Well, today is the day. NM arrives in T minus 6 hours. I feel strong. I feel prepared (mostly). But I'm anxious. And nervous.
I learned last night that NSis really has been diagnosed with a very early stage cancer. It makes me sad. She is a very young woman. She has been dealt some very bad cards in life. She has struggled to live a normal life. But she has made horrible choices. She chooses to take no responsibility in life. She uses and throws people away. She has pushed people away over and over, which has left her alone.
Alone, except for her family. And so, as sad as I am about her diagnosis, I can't help but worrying about how this will effect me. That makes me feel selfish. This diagnosis has given her and NM something tangible to grasp onto. Something to hold over my head and try to beat me with. Something to push off anything of concern or importance in my life. My life will never take priority, because NSis will always have this as a trump card. It will permeate and muddy all of our future conversations. It will be the pulpit upon which NM gives her "family" sermons. It makes me sad. And tired. I know what I have to do. I'm going to give her what I can, and then keep going in my life. I can only support her in the ways she allows me too. And I can not carry her weight when she carries none of it herself. I am not her mother. I am not her friend.
NM will be here for the weekend. At the end of the weekend, I have a funeral to attend (not one that NM will go to). It will be a long weekend. And in the midst, I'm attempting to celebrate my son. Attempting to celebrate the miracle that is his life. To be joyful and present and there for him.
Wish me luck.
Good luck sweet Jess. I'm sorry about your sister, and your sadness. Just remember, you didn't cause her cancer, and you can't cure it. All you can do is be there in a way that feels authentic to you and when you cannot, wherever you draw that line, stick to it. Your son won't "matter" to them. Expect that. He won't get the focused attention he deserves. Expect that. But he has YOU for that. How lucky he is to have you. And you him. Interact with NM and NSis, but do not let them alter how you feel about your life and what you have. Please.
ReplyDeleteI think you have the inner strength you need to do this, Jessie, so it isn't entirely based on luck. But, I'm sending you a few four-leaf clovers and tossing the salt over my shoulder for you too. It's not going to be easy, but you CAN do it.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jonsi
I'm praying that you keep your boundaries strong!! You won't be able to keep yourself and your family going without those wonderfully strong boundaries - you can nurture and encourage your Nsis while still protecting yourself and the ones you love. Put your own oxygen mask on first - breathe in, breathe out...
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, we, your friends, will be here when you run to blog about the things your mother says to you. We'll be right here, to help give you a reality check.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the support and love. I feel it will help carry me through.
ReplyDeleteHow you doing girlfriend? Surviving Mom and Sis? We are here for you and I know I speak for others in being concerned that you are holding steady during their visit. Thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. I'm actually hanging in there and feeling strong.
DeleteNSis never showed (I never thought she would to begin with; mostly pronouncements from NM that she was coming to deflect attention back to the REAL issues of the family.) But, I've been blessed with NMIL and my (now confirmed) N-Sister-in-law to fill the gaps, should I have felt some reprieve in the weekend!
Thanks again for thinking of me. I have limited time to write, but am counting the moments until I'm alone with my blog and able to release all this anxiety of it all.
I wish you luck and strength and send hugs!
ReplyDeleteI flinched a little when you said that your sis was dealt a bad hand of cards because a whole lot of us are, but not all of us use those bad cards to trick others into giving up their "better" hand.
Thank goodness you finally found out what's really going on; NSis sure kept you all hanging long enough!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you're attending a funeral, too. I look forward to hearing how everything went, even if you have to vent a lot!
Jessie, I'm sending positive vibes and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteKeep your boundaries and your values firm and stick to them.
I'm sorry that your sis has cancer. It is a terrible illness. Do what is comfortable for you but don't let your sis and NM use that illness to make you do or accept things you wouldn't otherwise.
My NM had cancer last year, a very early stage, and was cured. Since then, she goes from doctor to hospital so that they will find out that she is still ill. She doesn't want to be cured. She used to dangle her cancer in front of me and whisper to me that I was the cause and that I was killing her. And now that she is OK, she still wants her cancer back. How sick is that.
Don't let your FOO use it against you.
You are not selfish for having your boundaries and taking care of yourself. You are not guilty of anything.
If they try to make you feel bad about yourself, or push you aside because your sis is now "more important", we are still here for you :)
:hugs: