Henny Penny

Sometimes I think my FOO lives in an alternative universe.  A universe where everything is miserable and horrible.  Where creatures lurk in every corner waiting to jump out and grab you.  Sometimes I don't even know if they are sane.   It seems like the only reality they have is laced in drama and chaos.  That they are addicted to the drama to feel alive.  

No wonder I have felt crazy for so many years.  I'm like Alice in Wonderland, trying to make sense of nonsense.  Trying to rationalize and explain pure craziness.  I'm like an observer to Henny Penny as she runs around claiming the world is ending.  Wondering how she can make the leap to the sky falling from being hit in the head.  Wondering how every few months, a new crisis looms on the horizon.  How we've never, ever, ever had a normal fucking relationship.  How they've never had a normal fucking day.  How everything is so up in the air all the time.

I see them screaming, panicking that the sky is falling and there is nothing I can do.  I am expected to run, screaming, and flailing too.  And less than this is seen as cold and disloyal.   Telling them that I can't live in a perpetual state of chaos is too stressful for me, makes me a weakling.  It is my weakness, not being able to live in the bullshit.  A way to make me out as not as strong.

But how many people have real hardships.  Real struggles and live life still.  How many people face reality and keep going.  Not push it down or minimize the struggle, but just keep going.  Just keep living.  Why must the world stop.  Why must we live in a state of "numbness" in my family?  Why must it always be so damned, fucking difficult?  How can they not see the absurdity of it all?

I am so tired of this bullshit.  I'm tired of my extended family looking at us like freaks.  I'm tired of trying to explain away the unexplainable.  I'm tired of late night phone calls.  I'm tired of getting worked up over the possibles.  I'm tired of living in perpetual chaos.  I'm tired of being "cold" and "heartless" for not responding to every little (and every big) drama.  Of not giving the "right" response and being hounded for it.  Of being pushed and pulled and used.  I'm tired of trying to explain to DH why I put up with it in the first place.  Of feeling, somehow, I need to apologize for having a "normal" life.  Like I somehow am a stuck-up snob because I just have "normal problems" to deal with and my problems can't compare to the drama of others.  Of the implications I should feel guilty for not being "unlucky" and having all the chaos of my FOO.  That I owe them more because I haven't been burdened like them.  Tired of feeling like shit and it effecting my kids because it taxes me so much.  Tired of being a crutch instead of a human being.  Tired of never being able to explain to others what the hell actually goes on in my family and why they are so fucking crazy.  Because really, what sister doesn't support and love and call her sister with cancer.  Who doesn't reach out and do all she should?  Who doesn't do all she can for those who love her?  Someone who has never been loved back.