In and Out of the FOG

The F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) is eating me alive.  I am struggling.  Struggling in my desire to protect myself, my family, my life from being swallowed by the chaos of my sister's life.  Struggling to put my new found skills to use.  Knowing in my head what I should do.  But feeling in my heart and stomach and body such an ache.  Such stress, and anxiety, and hurt.

I finally sent my sister a quick email.  I didn't want to call.  I didn't want to play her games, listen to her sob, knowing that it was all a bunch of unloading.  I know that she has either not called, or talked little with, my parents.  She still hasn't communicated with me at all.  Which is crap.  She needs to be an adult.  I'm tired of chasing her around, throwing myself at her, desperate to have her let me help her.  So, I emailed.  I told her I had heard she had health problems (because no one still knows what the actual diagnosis is and she STILL hasn't made a follow up appointment, even with NM on her back).  I told her to let me know if she needed anything.  That I was thinking of her.  I felt good about the message.  I wasn't playing into anything, but felt I was extending myself to her, but wasn't wading into the pool of crap.   She responded with "I am.  I would like a friend."  And that's it.  I don't even know what to do with that.  She still didn't address anything directly.  I'm sure that there is anger and annoyance and b.s. in the reply.  I'm not sure what effect she expected the reply to have on me.

This was my one really "fun" week of the summer.  My family knew that.  I have had to fight them all for it over and over.  I doubt that this is too much of a coincidence that it is dropped on me now.  I don't have the time or the energy or the will to devote anything to this.  This week was supposed to be about my family.  Having fun with my kids.  I feel attacked by this.  And I'm sure my FOO would say I was being selfish.  And how could I just go on with my life when they are struggling so (this is a theme in my relationship with them).  I feel guilt.  Guilt that I'm not calling.  Guilt that I am happy in my life.  Guilt that I let their toxicity seep into my life and that it makes me stressed.  And angry.  And that I am less patient and tolerant and available for my kids.  That is effects the type of mom and wife that I am.  That I feel guilty for even thinking about myself and how this effects me.  That I struggle with what a "healthy" family member's obligation to all this would be, compared with my feelings of trained obligation.  That a lot of me just wants to ignore it and hope it all goes away.  But that in doing that things would be irreparably changed.  That it is taking a big step.  That I'm angry.  That I'm struggling with my feelings at all.  That I often feel just the "fight or flight" feeling.  Like a chicken with my head cut off, panicked, and I'm struggling to remain calm.  Struggling through the constant emails and texts and implications that I'm not doing enough.

I'm just struggling and sinking and trying desperately to stay afloat.