I've been doing a lot of thinking about anger lately. Obviously, I've been feeling a lot of anger lately. Anger is such a new and scary emotion for me. So many blogger friends have pointed out that anger is a good thing. It is a sign that my boundaries have been violated. It is a signal from my body that I don't feel comfortable with something. It is a sign to myself to change something. And I agree with that. It has pointed out some very specific problems to me. And I haven't felt a vengeful anger. My anger, although a result of certain people, is not directed back at anybody. I'm trying to find ways to release and express anger in healthy ways (anybody know of any healthy ways to express anger?). All of this thinking, however, got me thinking even further. Why is this so damn difficult for me? Why can I not feel anger? Why does it sometimes come washing over me in crashing waves? Why does being angry frighten me and make me feel so out of control?
I have a young son. When he becomes angry, I've worked hard to teach him how to express it in appropriate ways. I've worked hard to not dismiss his anger, allow him to feel it, and to let him know he is safe. I've read that anger can be a scary emotion for a child. And that's when it hit me. In my personal experience with anger, I'm still a small child. No one held my hand or comforted me or taught me appropriate ways to express anger. I'm still a four year old girl in my coping abilities with anger, afraid it will swallow me whole and I won't be able to control it. Not only did they not teach me how to deal with it, they instilled that I shouldn't even feel anger.
When I was younger I was never allowed to be angry with my parents (or really anyone). I say allowed, because that is the feeling I get when I think about it. And I can remember very, very few times I even ventured into anger. My parents got angry. My dad, in particular, could be very angry. His anger frightened me and was unpredictable. It was intense and often out of the blue. My sister had a similar temperament. And when she was angry, she was violent. She was out of control and vengeful and lashed out at anyone in reach (usually me.)
I remember getting angry with my dad once. We needed to move my bed for some reason. I was 16 or so at the time, and had a delicate, glass collection of things set up in my room. I had suggested we move it. He was rushed and said it would be fine. Well, surprise, he started crashing into my things knocking them to the floor. I began to get angry and said so. He yelled back. He told me I was ungrateful. That he didn't give a shit about my things. That I shouldn't have them there in the first place. I reminded him that I had offered to move them. This did not help the situation. I don't remember the exact outcome, but I remember I was not happy and that there was no apology.
In my child-mind, I was trained to believe that anger equaled disrespect. To be angry with my parents (even if done in a respectful way) was disrespectful, disloyal, rebellious, and not allowed. My being angry pointed to a character flaw. My being angry meant that their was something wrong with who I was. They never related my anger to the incident at hand, but rather to me being a bad person. Only bad, disrespectful, horrible, miserable children became angry with their parents.
As I grew up, I rarely expressed anger to anyone. When I tried to confront my mother when she treated me disrespectfully as an adult (and again, I always started in a respectful manner), she would become enraged. She would turn it around on me, dismissing the incident at hand. She would say that I wasn't really upset about what she was doing in the present, but about the divorce. And I was never allowed to be angry about the divorce, either. Because if I was angry about the divorce, that suggested to her that she was wrong (which I never suggested) and she couldn't be wrong. So, by some weird game of logic, she had not only dismissed my present anger, but any anger I'd felt in the past. It often was baffling for me. I actually am a reasonable debater, but arguing with her was like arguing with the wind. Things would just fly out of nowhere. If I pressed the issue, she would attack my character. Again, she would link my anger to my character flaws. To me being a bad daughter, not appreciating her enough. Because if I appreciated her and respected her, I could never be angry with her. And if that didn't work, she'd start bawling. Go all over dramatic and "I"m a bad mom" on me. Pinning my anger to her was impossible.
I struggled so much in my twenties to be assertive and express anger. I struggled to be assertive with my MIL. But she often attacked me in a similar way. If I suggested that I felt her behaviors were not OK, she would become defensive and snippy and loud. One time, in my early days of pregnancy we had gone out to dinner with all of my in-laws. I had stood up to go to the bathroom and I'd instantly felt inspected. Like I was a pig, up for show in the ring. When I came back, MIL and SIL started discussing my growing belly, but not in a thoughtful way. It was more like I was an object instead of a person and I was becoming upset. When my FIL stated he hadn't even noticed, I made a remark thanking him for not making me feel like a piece of meat (although I was a bit more tactful). To this, my MIL snarked "WELL, I guess WE are the RUDE ones on this end of the table!" I remember feeling so unsafe in expressing my feelings. I felt cowed.
And as I started to think about all of this today, I linked a new emotion to my anger: vulnerability. When I express or feel anger, I feel vulnerable. I feel open to attack. I do not feel comfortable expressing anger to hardly anyone, as I feel it points me out as weak. Even with my DH. I always worry that my anger will lead to some sort of abandonment. That if I choose to be anger or express anger (and I struggle with even feeling I have a right to these feelings) that it leaves me open to love being taken away from me. To being judged. To being left alone. To being out of control. To being unsafe. To being seen as a horrible person.
It seems so ironic to me, as I write this. Anger is vulnerability and weakness to me, and I would guess that for most narcs, being angry makes them feel powerful.
I think the problem is that we experience more than anger. If my anger was just anger, I might find it more easy to cope. At least using the pop psychology methods.
ReplyDeleteBut my anger is a hybrid of anger, and remorse, and feeling taken advantage of, and a nuance of so many emotions that I find it impossible to get a handle on them all.
One day I want to take it out on them.
The next I want to take it out on myself.
Then people standing in line writing a check in the express line.
But I CAN say it gets better.
And it becomes more manageable.
For now.
Don't hold me to it.
Ah, the people writing checks in the express line...been there. I've often wanted to throw a loaf of bread at them.
DeleteBut very good points. The mixture of emotions is so difficult to sort through, let alone feel. Very good points, Q.
Very interesting post Jessie, I relate so much to it. I don't feel a vengeful anger either, sometimes I think is more like VERY STRONG INDIGNATION, and sometimes it hits me days or months after the events, once I've had time to digest it and realise what was really going on (with narcs it's hard to see things at the time they happen since everything is behind smoke and mirrors). My experience with my family is that their anger is not a true emotion but a performance they put on to get what they want, I have seen this in one of my friend's husband too, he would be sweet as pie while asking for something, if she said no then he'd become really nasty. My sister used to do that to me all the time. It used to irritate me so much this being sickly sweet because it felt so fake and that at the minute I'd said no she'd turn into a gorgon.
ReplyDeleteYes, their anger isn't about expressing an emotion, but about wielding power over people. Frightening them and bullying them into submission.
DeleteI often used to get angry well after the situation too. DH used to believe I was just over analyzing things. But I think I walked away from the situation not feeling well about it, and it would take me (as you said) awhile to sort through the crap. That was/is a difficult thing to explain to him. That I'm not just looking for problems.
Jessie, I really like this post. I went and go through exactly what you describe about anger. Have since I was a child and started to sense/feel I was being badly treated. Dismissed. Pushed aside. Treated like I had no right to exist. Or to want anything. My father was the one "allowed" anger in the house. When he wasn't home, my mother was allowed it. I remember once, when he was away, my sisters were sitting down to eat (teens) and my mother took a plate of broccoli and out of the blue threw it up into the ceiling. Smashed the whole thing. There was massive shock. We never knew what she was mad at, and weren't owed an explanation. In general I'd say that my parents were/are incapable of taking criticism. My father still is, to this day. If you imply he's done or said something wrong or unfair, you are an "ingrate." This is always their biggest trump card. Well, guess what? If they are allowed to be angry, so are you. Period. The logic is so simple, but it's one they deny from the time you are young. Anger can be vulnerability, but it can also be strength, when it's directed at the right target, in the right intensity for the offense. And then you simply stand your ground. Stand your ground. You too are allowed to be every inch the person they allow themselves to be. And then some, because you're better than you narc parents and sis. They'll never admit, and they don't have to. You don't need their stamp of approval to decide who you get to be. Enough of my morning sermon!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that sermon! I really needed it today. I can't describe how much it helps to be reminded by this community that I have rights and am behaving appropriately.
DeleteSometimes I feel like they've slipped me a drug. A drug that makes me feel numb and complacent and alters my perceptions of reality. A drug induced "narc coma", if you will. And I am struggling to wake up. I have moments (more and more of them) where I see the reality and able to shake off the haze. But the drugs are strong, and pull me back down. It's a fight to clear them out of my head.
I agree that anger is strength (as apposed to power as I see it with narcs.) It is a sign of internal strength and knowing one's self. Of belief in one's self and believing one deserves basic respect and dignity.
Like your mother, mine trained me to supress all emotion, including anger. Becuase anger was, as you so aptly put it, a character flaw, and no good little child will disrespect his or her parents with anger.
ReplyDelete...yeah...
To show emotion was to be vulnerable, and for one, my mother was never taught that - she came from what my wife and I suspect was an acoholic family (her father and enabling mother). We actually asked my mother once if they ever talked about anything, and she said they didn't. Of all her lies, I think that was a very small moment of truth - though she didn't get any details or specifics, nor "would she have been able to" we think. Vulnerability and emotional intelligence was not encouraged with my mother by her mother, and subesquently, she passed that onto me. Don't be vulnerable, don't show emotion, save for the appearance of happiness. That's what it was for them, the appearance of being a cohesive family unit. Since that's what my mother knew, that's what we were, a pretend cohesive family unit.
Behind the scenes though, chaos. My mother was stuted at birth with respect to emotions. She then chose not to think for herself and embrace that lack of emotion and passed it onto her kids. And to bring it all back around, if her kids can't see what she's really doing to us, then we can't be angry with her, and her mind, expose a character flaw. Hell would freeze over before she would let her kids think for themselves.
To add to my previous comment.
ReplyDeleteSince I wasn't given the right tools to deal with any emotion, but in this case anger, it comes out extremely unhealthy ways. I want to break things, break myself, as Q pointed out, and infrequently I do those things. Someone who has a healthy grasp on their anger doesn't need to hurt him/herself, or other people, or break things. S/He wouldn't become so pressurized from the buildup of anger that, were a piece of coal be placed in one of the fists, it would turn to diamond. The pressure would erupt from me on anyone or thing closest to me. That would be my wife, or a wall, or the ground, or myself. I believe that's called self-destructive rage.
My toolbox is growing, but like anything, it takes time to get used to using these new-fangled tools.
The very best,
I sometimes feels my new "tools" get the best of me as they are so foreign. I'm struggling to get them under control. But I'm also determined to make it work.
DeleteI also have felt the pressure of the anger. It is much less frequent lately. But I found it bubbling out in ways that made me sad. Ways that where so unhealthy and usually directed at myself. Punishing myself over and over for the emotions I felt I shouldn't be feeling.
It all seems so complicated to me. Removing all real emotions, trying to suppress them and ignore them. All to replace them with some faux emotions. To strip reality and replace it with some conjured up version. Maybe that's why I feel such a need to live in simplicity. To remove all of this extraneous crap.
Thanks for your thoughts and support LSV.
Thanks Jessie, it is a really good post. I needed it.
ReplyDeleteI also had the same experience with my NM, feelings being forbidden, and me being attacked if I ever expressed and feelings besides overflowing love and gratitude towards her.
If I'm angry at her, I am always attacked, and being instantly labeled as "too aggressive without a reason", "hurting my poor mother", "ingrate", "selfish", you name it.
I have also noticed the fear of abandonment factor, when I'm talking to other "normal people" and I express discontent, sadness or anger, I always start panicking after a few minutes that they must hate me, they must be angry at me, that finally they see me for who I am and will immediately abandon me and never talk to me again.
I guess this results from being emotionally invalidated from a very young age.
I understand what you are going throught.
:hugs:
Hi Jessie,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your post, too.
I've known for many years now that the things my mother did were cruel and unacceptable, but I am still split off from anger. I feel all sorts of other emotions but anger does not seem to exist when I relate it to my own situation (I have no problem feeling anger on behalf of other people). Like others have mentioned, I was simply not "allowed" to feel angry.
My doctor told me this was the reason for the seemingly intractable depression I've had since age 11 (at least.) The anger is turned inwards, not outwards were it can be experienced and dealt with. When encountering a situation that would reasonably make a person angry, I feel confusion, frustration, shame and helplessness instead.
There are a few other emotions I'm split off from, but the anger issue is the most psychically destructive one, IMO.
I hope it gets better for you.