Releasing the past in order to find myself

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Destruction

I think my sister is out to destroy herself.  I don't know how else to explain her life.

She has always struggled.  Her life and behaviors can be described as risky at best (I would describe them as far more extreme).  She is narcissistic to a fault.

I called my father today to tell him that my son's medical procedure went well.  As I tried to close up the conversation, he asked meekly if I had heard from my sister.  I sighed.  No.  I thought, now what?

As I've stated, my sister has been diagnosed with a very serious medical condition.  Very serious.  However, the information has only trickled in and has had to be pried from her.   She finished up treatment a couple of weeks ago.  She announced this medial condition on facebook (while drunk, I imagine) and then quickly retracted it.  My father and I learned about the condition from a relative.  She has willing accepted money and support from my parents but has provided them very little information in return.  I haven't heard from her at all, despite reaching out twice.  Out of the blue, last week, she texted asking about my holiday plans as if everything was normal.

My father told me today that she had gotten hysterical on the phone with him.  She was crying and screaming.  She was wailing that he boyfriend is abusive.  This isn't the first boyfriend who has been abusive, in fact, far from it (and this is actually a fact, as opposed to the "poor me" stories I sometimes get.).  She told my father she didn't know what to do.  Her told her that, yes, she did.  Kick him out and get out of it.  She became more hysterical.  She started screaming, blaming my father and mother for all the horrible things in her life.  She said that her childhood ruined her life.  He finally hung up on her and called 911.  He hasn't heard from her since.

I also had to talk to my mother today about my son's medical procedure.  She stated that my father and my sister had had a "fight".  Sounded like a hell of a lot more than a fight to me.  She then proceded to tell me that this boyfriend is very abusive.  My mother puts all the blame on him.  And while, yes, he is the abuser, I can't help feeling my sister  has some responsibility to get some help.  And to be honest, she's also very violent.  Very violent.  I know these situations are never as black and white as she makes them out to be.    And then my mother tells me my sister is back with the guy.  Then my mother, very quickly, had to get off the phone.

I'm just so very, very tired of this shit.  How my sister's life went from being all about her medical condition to being all about her abusive boyfriend in two weeks, I do not know...OK, well, I do.   And  I do feel for my sister.  I cried a few tears for the wreck of a life she's created.   She and I walked a similar path in childhood.  She and I have a similar story.  Part of me can't help but feel that, if circumstances were a tad bit different, I could be in her shoes.  But ultimately, I know that's not true.  Her childhood did change the course of her life.  Our parents screwed her just as much as me.  But she's also, never once, taken any responsibility for her choices as an adult.  She's remained entitled, and blaming, and childish.  She's remained vindictive and angry.  We have all lived as hostages to her insane life.  Always wondering if the next phone call will be the one were they tell us she's dead.  It's always the same thing over and over with her and it never gets better, only worse.

I didn't sleep more than two hours last night.  It was a long, hard day as I supported and cared for my son.  I stood crying, alone, in the hospital bathroom after they wheeled him away before I got my shit together and went back to wait for him after his procedure.   And in the end, it all became about my sister and FOO again.  For fuck's sake.  I'm so tired of this shit.

15 comments:

  1. (((Jessica))) I'm so sorry it became about your sister. I'm sorry you were alone, in more ways than one. I'm so glad the procedure went well. WHOOHOO!

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    1. Thanks Judy. It sucks that me and my family have so little familial support (and even if they had been there, they would've been more distracting than supportive). But we are becoming stronger for it.

      And yes, WHOOHOO! I was so relieved and happy that it all went well. So not fun to watch your little guy go through hard things like that.

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  2. Forgive me if someone else already suggested this, but do you really think your sister is truly ill? Because her behavior and secrecy suggests to me she is faking it for attention.

    I hope I don't offend by writing this. But that's my read.

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    1. No offense taken at all. In fact, many people, including my DH have suggested this illness is either fabricated or exaggerated. She lives far from all of us and we have no actual "proof" of her illness. And I've seen her blow things out of proportion before (she really believes what she's saying in her head, but she's out of whack with reality). That's the hard part with all of it. There is a lot of incomplete or incongruent information. And she's hiding out a lot, refusing to talk to people directly. I had felt like I should support her, but how do you support someone when you don't even know what's going on?!?
      And yeah, if she is faking it or exaggerating it, that's just sick.

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    2. At one point in my life, my NF had me believing he was dying of a brain tumor. Noop. Not true. Narcissists are absolutely capable of lying about this sort of stuff.

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  3. "We have all lived as hostages to her insane life." Such a good way to put it. That's just it, isn't it? Like you, I can't get my head around why they make such diametrically opposed choices. I know that there's not much of a gap with you and your sister's age. With mine is only 15 months and we shared the same bedroom until I was 24. I just don't understand how they can be so different. I'm sorry that you've had this to deal with on top of your little boy's surgery. It's just not fair.

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    1. It is amazing isn't it? I think with my sister, she started off with a more "volatile" temperament. Then, she was coddled and enabled and allowed to run all over me and my mother. She fought horribly with my dad because he was trying to set boundaries (but often in inappropriate ways) and then my mother would go behind his back and undo them. She has such a sense of entitlement. Plus, I believe she's the golden child.

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  4. I am so sorry that in there obsession over your sister they couldn't see you. I sending healing thoughts for your son and you.

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    1. Thank you. He is already doing much better today. Kids are resilient.

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    2. Hurrah. Thanks for letting me know.

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  5. It's great to hear your son's medical thing went well.
    Has your sister been known to lie? If so, her medical crisis might be a false story for attention...money...an excuse? Seems weird that she's avoided your efforts to connect with her twice, unless that's normal? I was thinking that maybe she knew you'd see through her bull easier than the parents would?
    Anyhow, it just seems so unfair that your sister gets atention for mostly contrived/avoidable drama and you're left without support.

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    1. Yes, Trisha, it is sad that she has to create such havoc just to feel important.
      As I told VR above, yes, it is quite possible this condition (and the situation with the boyfriend) is fabricated or twisted. I would not put it beyond her to do this for money, to avoid responsibility, deflect blame for something from herself. Her stance on reality is often very, very skewed. And I agree, I think she was afraid I'd call her out on her crap and avoided me until it was "over".

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  6. "We have all lived as hostages to her insane life. Always wondering if the next phone call will be the one were they tell us she's dead. It's always the same thing over and over with her and it never gets better, only worse."

    I hear that.

    I hate the stressful loneliness you felt at the medical procedure amidst FOO drama. It can feel like being on the moon.
    Hugs.

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    1. Sometimes I swear I live in the damn twilight zone. Or a really, really, really bad soap opera.

      I mean, my very young kid is in having surgery, and my sister has to find a way to circle the wagons back around her.

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  7. I'm relieved that your son's medical situation was successfully resolved. Your sister and mother continue to make your life hell. I wish there was a way to get more distance from them!

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