The Anxiety of Leaving my Children

People have been pushing me to leave my children with a babysitter almost since they were born.  In fact, before I was even pregnant my MIL (mother-in-law) used to say "I will watch the baby..." all the time.  Before I had kids, I never thought I'd have too much trouble with leaving my kids.  But I've found it far harder than I though, and for a variety of reasons.

As a disclaimer, I have left my kids.  I've left my son with my mother for a couple hours at a time on a few occasions (mainly when I had my second son).  I take Caleb to preschool two days a week.  I've left him with my SIL.  I just don't leave him often.  He is 3.  My baby, I've only left with my mom once for an hour.  Their dad stays with them a lot so I do get some time to myself.

But, you'd think I never left my kids.  Our friends constantly suggest we get a babysitter.  Mainly it is the friends without kids.  They don't understand that it's not that easy to just plop your kids (one of which is breastfeeding) and go out for the night.  Babysitters are expensive and the grandparents are an iffy option.  Our other friends have grandparents who are pretty much nannies.  They also don't get my concerns.  I feel so judged and pushed.

My mother, the narcissist, has watched my kids on occasion.  Never at night, but for a few hours here or there.  I can not trust her much longer.  She is really good for a few hours.  But then it starts to get on her nerves.  The novelty wears off and the kids get annoying.  She gets short with them.  She snaps.  She can be mean.  She orders them around pushing for control of them.   Even when she is here for an extended period of a few days, my older son gets testy and agitated until she leaves.  She makes everyone tense and on edge.   And then there is the price I pay after the fact.  When she takes the baby, she makes a big production of telling me that the baby didn't "need me".  She'll say to my son "See, you don't need your mom.  You did just fine without her.  You don't need her.  Tell her you don't need her."  And for those of you who have a narcissistic mother, I'm sure you can see what she is doing.  Divide and conquer.  Make herself look like she is just as good, if not better, than I am at taking care of my son.   It's good to know my son didn't have an awful time away from me.   But I don't think I need to be pushed away like that.  Then, there is always the martyr part of the babysitting.  As much as she pushes and pushes to babysit, after the fact, she'll complain how tired or exhausted she is.  Or how much we owe her (in appreciation) for babysitting.  Even when she is just here helping me with my kids (and I still do 90% of the work) she'll complain to my stepdad how exhausted she is.  (Which is funny, because if I say that taking care of the kids is a lot of work, she'll dismiss my feelings, telling me "well, you just do it.  When I had kids, I just got used to it.  It's not that much work if you do it everyday.  You should be used to it.").  She pushed my husband to leave one day and get out to do a hobby he loves.  She exclaimed how much she loves spending time with me and my kids.  Well, when he came back she snipped over and over about how, while HE was out having FUN, she took care of HIS kids all day.  Never mind, that I was there all day too.  You'd have thought she'd done it all by herself and he made her watch them.  Her babysitting is never free.  There is always a penalty.

My MIL is not much better.    She doesn't have the closest relationships with my sons.  She doesn't take a lot of time to get on the floor and play.  She doesn't ask them questions and really listen to them.  She spends a lot of time telling them how she feels about this or that.  It's hard to explain.  But her only conversations with them seem to be monologues about how she thinks or feels about them.  It sounds silly, I know, for me to say I get annoyed by her endless declarations of love.  But it's more than that.  It's just that every comment is related to her.  How she feels, what she thinks, what she likes.  It's never just "that's a nice shirt."  It's "GRANDMA likes your shirt."  "GRANDMA thinks your cute."    She just talks AT my kids, not to my kids.  And when she's not doing that, she's wrangling them on her lap, kissing them over and over, despite the fact that they want to get away.  It just seems she is always sucking energy and never giving anything back.  The kids are there to fulfill her needs for attention and gratification.

All of that I could tolerate, however, if I didn't have serious concerns about my kids safety in her care.  She is very scattered and unfocused.  She is very hyper and bounces around a lot.  She rushes through things in order to get them done, and often misses little details.  She has never watched my kids, but she does watch my niece and nephew.  Yes, nothing has ever happened to them.  But not for her lack of trying.  Here are a few of the things that happened that make me nervous:
*She can never figure out child car seats.  She has failed to buckle my niece into her seat correctly on so many occasions, I've lost count.   She has entrusted my FIL to buckle her in (who didn't know how to do it and had never received instruction) and didn't double check it so it remained loose.  She couldn't get her arms in once and had to have my husband do it.  She's just plain forgot to buckle her on a couple of occasions.
*We were at a swimming party when my niece was three.  We were all in the pool, but my SIL had put MIL specifically in charge of my niece.  I was holding my three month old when my niece fell under the water and and couldn't regain her feet.  I ran over and yanked her out of the pool.  My niece had been too far out for her height but had a "floaty" toy, so I guess MIL thought that was sufficient.  Now I understand accidents happen,  but what bothered me, is that it happened AGAIN, about 5 minutes later.  I again reached over and grabbed the sputtering child, trying desperately not to fall in myself with the baby.   I told MIL that she needed to be in the pool with her.  (She was sitting on the side).  She's fine, she argued.  This ticked me off.  She's not fine, she's three and someone needs to be in the pool with her!  Her uncle was right there, she snapped.  (This is a recurring idea with her.  She expects everyone else to be in charge with her.  That is a nice thought, but you can't count on someone else to look out for your kids.  They usually think someone else is watching and will walk away.  Hubby and I have a strict rule that we always have to make a point of saying out loud to each other who is in charge.  Then no one assumes the other is doing it and walks away, turns their back, etc.)  Anyway, she continued to argue with me, but finally stomped over and put a life jacket on her.  The whole incident left me shaken.  It's bad enough to let a toddler struggle underwater for any period of time, but then to argue it was fine, blew me away.
*She wanted to take my three year old on a carousel ride.  Not a kiddie carousel, but a big vintage one that goes very quickly.  He wanted to ride by himself, which is fine, as they have big seat belts, but after she got him buckled, she left him to go ride with my niece on the other side of the carousel.  She is always trying to be everything to all the kids at the same time, and consequently, often only is half focused on any one of them.  At the end of the ride, my son jumped off trying to get down.  There he dangled by the seat belt noosed around his armpits , feet a foot of the ground, as the ride still turned.  He was unhurt, but it was a miracle he hadn't choked himself, or hung off the other side where the gears and mechanisms are.
*She has put my niece to sleep on a half blown up air mattress when she was an infant.  She has fed her choking hazards.  She let my six month old suck on her metallic jewelry, paying no mind to the fact that it could pose a choking hazard and frankly is not a chew toy.  When hubby told her to not let her, she said "oh, he can't hurt my necklace".  The fricking necklace was the least of my concerns.  She was so busy with three kids on her lap, she didn't notice my four month old grabbing food off adults plates and trying to eat it.  She argued with my FIL that my 12 month old didn't need a seatbelt on a wagon ride.  Why would you NOT buckle him in, just to be safe?  She has not buckled my niece into a highchair and then turned her back.  My niece leaned way over to grab something and almost fell out.  One night, we went out to dinner and she could barely keep her eyes open she was so tired.  She decided to order a double beer (very tall glass) when she was driving my niece home.
*Hubby's family has loved filling me in on various crazy stories from their child hood.  She was driving the neighbor to school when he was 5, went around a corner, and the boy flew out the car door.  Her boys climbed the roof and ripped shingles off when they were 6-7 years old.  The boys shot bee bee guns at police cars.  The boys strung string across the rode to choke the neighbor lady as she rode her bike.  They set fires, got lost, etc.  Friends and relatives often remark about how their house was so chaotic when they were kids that it was like being in the monkey cage at the zoo.

Now, I know, accidents happen.  Kids get into things.  But she is SO unfocused.  So scattered, that these things seem to happen all the time.  She has such poor judgement.  She expects others to pick up her slack.  She doesn't take advantage of safety features that could help "just in case".  I don't understand why, if you have a seat belt, or restraint, or whatever, you wouldn't use it, especially with some one else's kid.  She forgets how little the kids are and allows things that they are not capable of.  When she watches my niece and nephew, they are hungry, always over tired, cranky, and crying.  She has a poor ability to anticipate the kids' needs until it's too late and they are screaming.  She is not very close to my son, even though he sees her way more than my parents.  He never asks about her like he does my dad, who he's seen only twice in four years.  She gets overtired quickly.  She doesn't know her own limits and often promises stuff that she is physically unable to do.  She can't say no to the kids and is always more worried that they will like her than keeping them safe.

So, these are my choices.  And as I think about either of them watching my kids, I have panic attacks.  I don't know what to do.  People do not understand these things, and think I'm just an overprotective, mean daughter-in-law/daughter.  But I worry about my kids.  If something happened to them, I'd never forgive my self.  I don't want to expose them to someone who would hurt them emotionally, or allow them to get hurt physically.  I know what it is like to be hung out to dry by your parents, and I don't want to not be there if they need me.  I want them to know I am there for them.  But I feel guilty.  I know they need time away from me.  I know my husband wants time with me.  I'd love to take a vacation away for the night.  But the sheer panic that closes off my throat each time I think about it, makes it seem impossible.   And as my kids get older and older, I know the time will come where I have to.