Epiphanies and Cowards

After a discussion today with another blogger about how a narcissist likes to display herself to the world I got to thinking about my NMIL.  I had discussed how, particularily as of late, she has been dressing way beneath her years.  Not just trying to be young.  But wearing things outfits more appropriate (if even then) for a teenager.  Exposing herself and dressing up in a way to gain attention.  Again, much like a teenager, strutting and preening to gain some desperately needed attention.  That I've seen her try on so many identities like a preschooler in the dress up clothes bin.
And as I did the dishes tonight I thought, how very, very sad for her.  How sad she is and how sad of a person she is.  And how I really ought to feel sorry for her.  But I don't.  And I've never been able to figure out why.  In describing her behavior to my mother once (yes, my own NM, oh the irony) she said "well, she really does sound like she has low self-esteem.  It's very sad."  I thought, well, yeah, it is.  But, why the hell don't I care.  I mean, I'm usually very compassionate for people like this.  I'm a champion of the down-trodden.  And I could see that so many of her behaviors stem from this sad, little place in her.  And for some reason that she is hurt.  And, in other situations, I would have compassion.  I would extend a little for someone like this, cut them some slack.  I mean, to use a completely simplistic example, when my kids are sick, they are not always pleasant to me.  They've raged and yelled and cried and become angry with me.  But I cut them some slack because they are sick.  Why couldn't I do this for MIL?  And then came the epiphany.  Because when my kids are sick, they are not 'attacking' out of a desire to hurt me.  They are like a wounded animal who swipes at you.  They aren't trying to hurt you but protect themselves.  NMIL is trying to protect herself, but she's also trying to hurt me.  The difference is that she believes that because she is hurting, so should everyone else.  I had a flashback to when NM was going through the worst of my Nsis's craziness.  I can vividly remember her crying to me "Why do I have to go through this all alone?!  It's not fair!  If I have to go through this, you and your Dad should have to too!!".  And that's the crux.  It's not bad enough that they are down in the hole.  They are bound and determined to pull you kicking and screaming into the hole too (as any good mother would).  They are going to be miserable, refuse to help themselves, and YOU are expected to keep them company.  If they feel rejected, you are going to feel it too.  If they feel slighted, they'll make you feel slighted.  An eye for an eye.  And that's what makes me so damned angry.  First and foremost, I didn't cause the harm in the first place.  I didn't have a damned thing to do with the hurt and anger and rage they are feeling.  So, for them to direct their "retaliation" back at me pisses me off.  Especially because their is nothing I can do to make that hurt better.  BECAUSE I DIDN'T CAUSE IT.  And secondly, I'm pissed off that they are such cowards that they can't direct their anger where it should be.  NM is so anger and vengeful and resentful against her parents.  She had a right to be.  But she's never said a word.  She's just gone about being the dutiful daughter.  And then playing the martyr for "all that she does" for such "horrible" people, but turns around and makes me pay for it.   I really don't know what NMIL is so pissed off about, as I actually know very little (as does husband) about what her childhood was like (weird, huh?)  Her parents seem like nice enough people, but we all know that "nice" people can be anything but.  And there is enough evidence for me to assume that something happened to turn her into this cold, childish, control freak who is hell bent on making me suffer too.
Well, fuck them.  I'm not your whipping boy anymore.  And I don't feel sorry for you because you are COWARDS.