Hope for the Best, but Have No Expectations

A friend of mine from high school was published in a national, high profile magazine.  He described in the essay a lifetime of homelessness, uncertainty, parental neglect, and instability.  My heart broke for the young him.  In comparison, my childhood seemed so much less horrible.  In one line he wrote of his father that he learned to hope for the best, but have no expectations.  And I realized, in some ways,  we were like two sides of the same coin.  We both had hope of something different, or normalcy, but really had no expectations that it would happen.
My sister missed my son's first birthday.  She didn't call, she didn't text.  She sent no email, no gifts, no cards.  She didn't acknowledge it at all.  This wasn't particularly surprising.  She has "missed" most of my children's (and my) big moments.  She often expresses how busy, broke, or preoccupied she is and that she will send something soon.  I think she's only sent gifts at Christmas or for birthdays about half the time (and almost always late). It's not the gift that I'm concerned about.  If she really was broke, I'd more than understand.  But during these times that she was too distressed to buy us gifts, I've listened to endless phone calls as she shops around for some random person in her life.  She stresses and over thinks and talks endlessly (as I was forced to listen to her shop on the phone) about what she should get her boss or current boyfriend or whomever (and always expensive gifts).  All the while, telling me that she couldn't get us anything.  And when she has acknowledged me or my kids, there are another million phone calls during which she complains endlessly that she can't find us anything.  Then the gifts arrive.  Too many gifts.  And then for a month afterward she complains about how she couldn't afford the gifts in the first place.  So, whether she gets us something or not, it is a pain in the ass.
Anyway, she completely ignored this milestone. (Not to mention my husband's birthday, which she never acknowledges).  All I wish is that she would call or text or just acknowledge that it happened.  She called about five days later.  I was too exhausted and sick (literally) to deal with it.  Today, she called twice.  I figured I couldn't put it off any longer and knew it would be a loose-loose situation for me.  I was ready for an assault.  I was ready for her to rage that I didn't understand how difficult her life was and how dare I expect her to acknowledge anything when things are so bad with her.  Or, she could have taken another tactic:  say she's so sorry, almost demand my forgiveness and understanding, and again complain that life is so difficult that she couldn't think of us.
What I didn't expect was for her not to say anything.  She didn't bring it up.  She didn't apologize, talk about it, or otherwise say anything.  She talked about moving in with her boyfriend, some random manager at her boyfriend's bar, her parking spot, and a million other trivial things.  She never mentioned it at all.  There were a couple lobbed remarks about what she was going through.  I finally tried to excuse myself from the conversation.  Her response was to finally ask "Are you OK?  Is everything alright with you?"  Not that she wanted the answer.  I brushed her off.  What would be the point in actually telling her? It would make no difference and only embroil me in argument I couldn't win.
But then the conversation changed.  She brought up my parents, the divorce, how moving in with her boyfriend was bring up a bunch of abandonment issues.  How freaked out she was.  And to be honest, I feel for her.  I know, only too personally, what our childhood did to us.  I offered some advice.  I suggested she find a therapist to help her express and validate her feelings.  I told her that if this boyfriend was as important as she claimed, she owed it to him to figure out was going on.  Will it help her?  Who knows?  It's such a difficult feeling.  I feel like she's drowning in the same sea that I'm attempting to escape.  How can I not throw her a lifeline?  If only I knew she actually wanted the lifeline and wasn't going to drag me rigth back in.  I do feel for her.  But it's depressing that she doesn't see that I'm struggling in the exact same ways.  I don't have anyone to call for the moral support she is so desperate to get from me.
I thought after the conversation that I'd be more upset and sad.  I really don't feel anything.  Not in a 'I've closed myself off from that and am choosing not to feel' way.  In fact, I gave myself permission to be mad, or sad, or angry.  But I just didn't feel that way.  I thought maybe I'm just hoping for the best, but expecting nothing.  But in the end, I don't even feel I have any hope left.  Our relationship is like a person I've been giving CPR to for our entire life.  I've been doing all the work for both of us.  Breathing in and out, giving and giving, taking nothing back, and hoping desperately for life to flow.  Maybe it's time I quit the CPR.  Maybe it's time I let it go.  Maybe it's time I realize I've done everything I can and I need to just walk away and let the paramedics take over.