I feel like I've written more lately about my NMIL than my NM, who is actually much more forthright in her narcissism. I guess, the reality is, that it's much easier to see it coming with NM. She doesn't hide it all very well, and she lacks a any subtlety in the way she goes about it. The result is that she is a very isolated, lonely person with no friends and little family support. She is prickly and offensive and if she doesn't have far to stray to isolate herself from everyone. It was easy to pin her as a NM, easy to see that she contributed immensely to our problems, easier for me not to completely blame myself. NMIL is much more crafty. She hides behind her "Christianity" and her kindness and her generosity and her selflessness. She is tolerated by lots of people. Often she is more than tolerated. Many people say they enjoy her (even if she is controlling, loud, overbearing in their words). Her sons adore her. I couldn't not pin myself on why I couldn't get along with her. I thought I just had a very conflicting personality with her. I thought I was crazy. Regardless, finally coming to grips with the fact that she has many narcissistic traits and, in my mind, is a full-blown narcissist has freed me. But I've processed my thoughts on her for a much shorter time as I've only recently come to my conclusions on her.
Anyway, NMIL likes to even things out. This is a trait she gets from her parents. She believes all of her children should be equal. Meaning they should have the same material possessions, experiences, and opportunities regardless of what the child actually contributes. My husband and I work hard, budget a lot, sacrifice and save, plan, and make good decisions. For this, we are punished. We are expected to contribute more than our share to family functions. We are expected to give more. We are expected to be more supportive, thoughtful, generous to our siblings as we have been "given" more. Now, I have NO problem being generous and helping out. However, I hate being FORCED to be generous to people who make no sacrifices, spend willynilly, save nothing, spend on new cars and expensive things (on credit) and generally do everything they can to NOT further there own position. My husband's siblings are reckless with money, impulsive, make poor choices and NMIL expects us to help bail them out.
A simple example of this happened after one of my husband's brothers got married. That evening, me, husband, NMIL, EFIL, two brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt and uncle-in-law, and husbands two cousins went to have a bite and a beer. It was late. Husband and I were actually going alone and everyone else invited themselves along. We were not in an area suitable for children. So, when we walked into the establishment we were told that the two cousins, who were under age, had to leave. Again, husband and I were already going to this place, everyone else tagged alone (it had been a LONG weekend and we needed to unwind). There were no other places besides bars to go. But NMIL became upset. Aunt and Uncle were upset. Everyone complained. I'm not sure what we were supposed to do, but I got the feeling that we were all supposed to leave. At the time I didn't have children, but having them now, I know that if this had been the case with me, I would've left. I wouldn't have expected everyone else to not have a beer at 9:30 at night because of my kids. Anyway, the kids left but not their parents. Husband split a sandwich with SIL. He also had one beer. I had one glass of wine out of a bottle that my other BIL drinks the rest of. Everyone else orders food and pitchers of beer. Then the check arrives. NMIL instantly exclaims that the aunt and uncle should not have to pay. They were inconvenienced and their pitcher should be bought for them. She then orders BIL (who drank a bottle of wine and food) to put his money away because he doesn't have any. Husband and I throw down more than enough (by a lot) to cover our half a sandwich, beer, and glass of wine) and a $20 tip (we worked in the service industry and never like to screw a waitress when there is a big party). BIL and SIL barely cover there bill, no tip. NMIL and EF barely cover their bill and leave a meager tip. She forks over no money for the three people she claims shouldn't have to pay. Of course, we come up short and there is no money for a tip. NMIL and EF start complaining that they have paid more than enough all weekend and refuse to pay more. Well, yes, they have paid for hotel rooms, food, the wedding, and a bunch of other stuff. But not for hubby and I. We paid our own gas, food, hotel, and all other expenditures. Husband's brothers have mooched food, free hotels, clothing for the wedding and wine tour fees. The BIL who got married expected his parents to pay for everything and maintained no budget. I see why they were annoyed (and in fact, husband and I discussed that BIL was milking money for the wedding before the wedding with his parents). What I don't see is why that was MY problem. I don't see why NMILs eyes are boring holes into me and husband. I don't understand why she expected us (and to be fair, BIL and SIL) to pick up the whole tab. And she knows BIL and SIL won't pick up more than their share. As a disclaimer, I have no problem with the money, it had nothing to do with the money. I have no problem picking up a tab. I just hate being forced to. I hate paying a penalty because NMIL feels bad that we chose a place (the only place) that was inconvenient for aunt and uncle. I don't see why we need to cover little BIL because he "has no money". I didn't like that EF was complaining about all the money he spent, so NMIL felt guilty and was taking it out on us. None of this is my problem. And this wasn't the first (or last) time this has happened. I just was so tired of being forced to cover for people who wouldn't do the same for me. Tired of having my hard earned (and hard saved) dollars go to cover reckless people. Husband and I stood our ground as we'd already payed more than our fair share over the weekend. We had payed completely for ourselves (plus a lot of extras) but were being treated like moochers. I was so angry. Finally, EF states that he just won't tip the waitress since she wouldn't serve the kids. "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I wanted to scream. So, husband and I threw down $60 more, as I won't screw the poor waitress. In the end, we pay $100 for a glass of wine, beer, and half a sandwich. Oh, and all NMIL's guilt and feelings of fairness.
AHHHrgh!!! She's the monster from the deep. I've read this about 4 times just to get it in my head what happened. What the hell did the bar staff think? Did you apologize on behalf of these crazies? EFIL is a jerk by the way. She's almost got control of everybodies bank accounts. Please don't give her your PIN. Keep your finances a deadly secret.
ReplyDeleteThe religion thing I know about. NM uses her regular churchgoing as confirmation of her closeness to Jesus and laughably the Queen. This confirms her saintliness and infallibilty . Therefore to go against her is a sin against god. Sound familiar?
I forgot to mention that your recent post inspired this post by triggering my memory of this incident. So thanks!
DeleteSorry that the post was a bit heavy on the details. I guess that is the crux of my relationship with NMIL, heavy on the details and difficult to wrap my head around. We definitely apologized to the poor staff (and I'm sure it won't surprise you to know that it isn't the only time I've felt the need to apologize/thank the staff profusely at a restaurant.) I was shocked at EFIL's suggestion. He can be cheap and thoughtless, but generally is a nice guy, so I was appalled. We have never, and will never, disclose our finances (most other family members know all about each other's finances). I always just thought I was an extra private person, but I now think all this enmeshment in each other's bank accounts is weird. Regardless, it is clear that my husband and I are comfortable financially, and the other's look to exploit that (less so lately). I never got how NMIL felt that bills and financial obligations towards mutual expenses (mutual expenses = anything that we all do together, even if it only benefits someone else...according to MIl) was proportioned out by NMIL according to bank account size (or suspected bank account size) or lack there of, not according to actual responsibility or fairness. In fact, I never understood why she felt she got to proportion things out at all. And for the record, my husband and I always pay our fair share (or more), never ask for help from our parents, have been on our own since he was 22 and I was 17.
The religion thing has always been such a bone of contention. When I first met her, she also had control over everybody's religious lives too. She told her sons what and how to believe. I, however, had very different views on how to go about religion (although we believed the same fundamentals). BIL used to engage in hurtful debates in which he proclaimed that all they thought was correct and that I had some sort of character flaw without ever being willing to actually listen to me or respect me (thankfully, he has since mellowed and actually is much more like me in his views). MIL never argued with me, or even debated, but just expected me to fall in line. I can't even really explain it, but she just acted like I already agreed with them. She pushed me to get baptized and pushed me to participate in church activities. The icing was that she would always tell her God had sent me messages...through her. "God told me to tell you to do this or that". She used it to manipulate everyone by using her "direct" connection to God and claiming eveything was God's idea. At the time, as a young girl, desperate for family and to get her to like me, I felt somewhat cared for and important. But I couldn't shake the feeling that it was also weird. I mean why couldn't God just talk directly to me....although I'm sure there was some subtle criticism on her part that I wasn't worthy of direct communication with God. So, yes, she was the direct messenger of God, and how could you argue with that?
Sorry for the long reply! It just all struck a chord with me.
I agree with Dave that she's the monster from the deep, but I would like to add the word "emerging" to the phrase, as in "the monster emerging from the deep" because it is only when you've detected the obvious narcissists that you start seeing the ones hiding "in the deep" too. My sister is like your mother, blatantly showing their narcissism in their dealings. My mother is like your MIL pretending the be the "nicest/longest suffering/most saintly" person in the world. It is very hard to see through their mask, funnily enough, the way my mother spoke about my brother's wife was one of the clues that she wasn't all she was purporting to be, it just didn't add up to her image of "all benevolent" person. "Anton Ego" is the same, also hiding behind his charity work and making sure everyone knows how much he does for others. He's so good at manufacturing his image, it took me over 10 years to realise what was really going on and only because "my gut" would not shut up and it was driving me nuts so that I started doing research and all the pieces started to fall in place and make sense.
ReplyDeleteI like that, "emerging from the deep". It is so true. It's easy to see crazy in my mom and sister. Much harder when it's ushered in through flying monkeys and hiding behind the saintly image. Plus, I think having only four sons, it was much easier for her to just claim she was "the mom of boys". She could just say she was doing things for them because they were boys and wouldn't think of it for themselves. And because they are boys (men) they don't always pick up on the subtlety of her handy work and just think it's "typical" mom stuff. It doesn't help that they come from a community which encourages moms to take charge and be all in control of everything. They see it as loving. I see it as controlling and manipulative.
DeleteWhere does your husband stand on all this? Especially since its' his Nparents you seem to be fighting in addition to yours.
ReplyDeleteWe are working through that. He has slowly distanced himself from them over the years and has become more supportive and understanding. He is just coming to grips with the fact that his mom is a narcissist. He always could see what I was saying about her, but believed she had everyone's best interests at heart. And un-weaving yourself from a family like his is difficult, as we all know.
DeleteWow, cool! Gods got your MIL on speed dial! Maybe she could get next weeks lottery numbers for you all. Please don't tell me that some your family actually go for this? Your MIL is either completely nuts or extremely cynical.
ReplyDeletePost was good, she's really got everybody jumping about, off balance, desperate to help. Must make her feel great.
No, my NM has a different approach, she even moved house about 20 years ago so she could attend services at the posh cathedral and not the local crumbly church with crumbly old vicar. She got sister and creep husband to move nearby too.
She's loves it there, it's the posh House of God and treats it very familiarly, because she's very close to God, so it's her house too. She's on more committees than I remember and loves speaking about the Bishop and Mrs Bishop, who probably are experts at avoiding her and the other silly clucking hens that she calls friends.
I'm quite sure she wants a stained glass window made in her honour, unveiled by the Queen no less and we'll all be in awe of the great splendour, bowing and swooning.