My mother sent me an email today asking about my kids and I, who have come down with an illness. She almost seems to enjoy when we get sick, as it gives her an excuse to call, text, and email.
Anyway, at the bottom, she said "had a great weekend! You are a good mom." Just like that, sort of tacked onto the end of the email like a salutation. Now, normally, this would be a nice comment to hear from someone. Normally, seeing this written wouldn't make me annoyed. But when it comes from my mother, it means next to nothing to me and it reeks of saccharine phoniness. I don't even know if she's serious. I'm not sure what it is she's referring to that makes her think I'm a good mom. I don't know if she's saying it to gain some sort of favor with me. It's possible she's saying it just to make herself look good. I'm sure that somehow she feels SHE needs to validate my mothering for me to feel good about myself. In fact, it's this last truth that bothers me the most. Do I appreciate validation from others? Yes. Do I need it? Hell no. Especially not from her. It annoys me because somehow, I sense she believes I think I am not a good mother. Funny how such a small statement, one that would be a compliment on the tongue of anyone else, is such a loaded, barbed statement with her.
Hmm...I have a notion too, that maybe she said it because she's trying to convince you (in that weird way that Narco-mommies seem to) that SHE'S a good mom. You know, since she's reaching out to you when you're all so sick and all. Maybe what she really means to say is, "I'm a good mom."
ReplyDeleteThat is a very good observation and accurate. She is always searching for ways to point out herself as a good mom. She knows deep down that she wasn't the best but she's made numerous comments fishing for affirmation of her mothering skills (from me and many others). She also likes to compare me to her as a mother and she makes sure she takes every opportunity to "tick off the boxes" (to use another bloggers term) of being a good mom.
DeleteI think that's what was so annoying about it. The comment was so phony, underhanded, and had very little to do with me being a good mom. It was about scoring points while at the same time implying that I too must feel insecure about my mothering and need her to affirm me (so much projection on her part).
I totally agree and I think I know how you feel (at least, I've felt the way you're describing, but it must be worse for you because it's your mom...it was only my MIL) It's frustrating, annoying, and upsetting having to deal with these people and their petty putdowns. Like, she's "saying" that "you're a good mom" but what she's really saying is that she thinks SHE'S a good mom, and that, by comparison, you're actually NOT a good mom at all.
DeleteI think there's a ton of people out there who would tell us WE'RE crazy for taking her one comment in such circles...but I don't think we're crazy at all.
I think that's just the mindfuck of dealing with narcissists.
And you know...part of the reason why I think her comment seemed so disingenuous is because it's so out of place, really inappropriate given the context of the email. Leave it to a narcissist...
That's exactly it Jonsi-it's way out of context. Just slapped there at the end. It's those simply little things that very few people would pick up on besides an ACON. The mindfuck. Like some poisonous drivel that tastes and looks like kool-aid. It has made me crazy in the past when I looked at statements like that and felt sick to my stomach. I could never put my finger on it.
DeleteI've been reading a lot of your blog this morning and I look forward to reading more. I have been "blessed" with a NM AND a NMIL. I would love for your input on my NMIL posts too, as you've been there.
Oh girl, I'm going to sit down with my cup of tea tonight and read everything I haven't read yet. Then, I'm going to go back and re-read things I already have. I think out of all the blogs I've read over the last year and a half, yours reminds me of our experiences the most.
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