Releasing the past in order to find myself

Saturday, June 9, 2012


I've been dinking around on the computer for the last hour or so, trying to finalize Father's Day cards.  I clicked over to Facebook to see check in.  I see that NSis has written a lovely message to my NMom.  A little background is in order.  NSis rarely uses facebook unless it's for "publicity".  Meaning, she likes to use it to get attention, start drama, or otherwise stir up controversy.   She claims that her boyfriend and her like to make fun of FB and see it as somewhat beneath them.   In the past six months, I have left post after post on her wall.  I've written her messages.  I receive no reply.  I understand I haven't been as available by phone to her.  I have two small children.  When I am not tending to them (which is almost always), it is nap time.  Nap time is spent either catching up on 1000 chores or taking a few precious moments to myself.  She works most evenings and weekends.  She has hardly called me in the past few months.  Before that, the phone calls were usually of the hysterical, 3 a.m. rants about her boyfriend/drama/the end of the world variety.  So, the best way for me to communicate is electronically.  She rarely sends my kids birthday or Christmas gifts, and if she does, they are usually late (although she always buys boyfriend/random friend/asshole boss a gift).  I don't need gifts for my kids.  I just would like some acknowledgement.
So, anyway, she missed my son's (and my husbands, but that always happens) birthday.  No call.  No card.  No nothing for this monumental first birthday in my son's life.  Nothing.  She calls four days later.  I am very sick and I know what she will say.  I'm a bad Aunt!  I am moving/had so much going on/so busy/don't know what to get so I couldn't acknowledge his birthday!  Blah, blah, blah.  Same old crap.  I didn't pick up.  Not to be vindictive.  Not to be mean.  Just because I was tired and emotional exhausted and the last thing I wanted to do was make her feel good about being a selfish ass.
So, onto the message.  My sister, who never uses FB, post to my mom:  "Thanks for the conversation to today.  It meant so much to me.  I miss you."  Huh.  I can't help feeling that this is a message to me.  That this is a sucker punch F-you.   Maybe I'm just paranoid.  Maybe I read into things too much.  But I can't shake the feeling that this is as much for me as it is for my mom.  A way to say that I haven't been there.  A way to say that I'm neglecting her.  A way to say that my mom and her have such a close connection.  Which is bullshit by the way.  They are the classic co-dependent pair.  They have a love/hate relationship.  They romanticize how wonderful the other is when they are apart and then fight like pitbulls the moment they are together (which I have to...use to have to...hear all about.)  I can't shake that this is to tell me I am a piece of shit.  All because I didn't make her feel better for ignoring my son.  She could've text my mom this message.  She does all the time.  She will talk to her tomorrow.  They talk non-stop.  This post was meant for me.  Crazy bitch.


  1. I don't think you're being paranoid, it's more than likely that you're spot on, everything narcs do is for effect and if possible, to incite to jealousy so they can feel they're above everybody else. My sister (when she was divorced) used to complain about how inconsiderate it was for people to show affection in public and not remember that some are own their own, you should see her with her husband now, they're in this permanent "boa-constrictor" hug, she even has her arm around his waist to cross the road, but it's all for show, as if to say: look at how much we love each other. I think your mum and your sister are doing a version of this to make you jealous, what they don't realise it's that you can see through their pretence. Still, it's very annoying.
    I wouldn't have answered the phone either: it's all-right for her not to reply to your FB messages for months but ONE time you don't pick up the phone and she' s sending subliminal messages?

    1. Yeah, I think it's not only for jealousy (which frankly, I'm not jealous of their crazy unhealthy relationship) but to say a big 'screw' you. Telling me I am not a good family member. Mom posted this morning one of those sappy quotes that said something to the effect of "We may argue, we may fight, we may not talk....but family is family and the love will always be there." Shows just how out of touch she is. This isn't some little argument. This is a lifetime of being treated like Cinderella to the evil stepsisters. I love that somehow, I should feel badly and comfort my poor sister who completely disregarded and disrespected me and my son.
      That is hilarious about your sister (in a sad-hilarious way.) That is so something my mom and sister would say. "How dare they be happy and express themselves. Why aren't they thinking of ME, a complete stranger!?!" So narcissistic. My mom always used to get mad when people would talk about their college days. She would complain that people should realize some people (some people=her) didn't go to college and it made them feel left out or lesser than. Whatever. I guess the world is only allowed to talk about or do things that has the narcissist's approval.

    2. Funnily enough when I showed my DH this post and read the bit about your mum and your sister's relationship, he said: "Oh man, that sounds just like your mum and your sister". How interesting that you should compare it to Cinderella, my email for blogging (when translated) means Cinderella.