Narcs playing Nice

I think one of the hardest things to wrap my head around was the fact that the narc is not a horrible person ALL of the time.  When I tried to play out if my Mom and MIL were narcs, it was so hard because I could recall so many of the nice things they'd done for me.  Not every interaction with them was horrible.  Not every experience was bad, and in fact, I can recall a lot of good memories.  It was just that I couldn't shake the stressful feeling, the anxiety, I had before and after every interaction with them.  I couldn't pin point the source of that feeling, because nothing that horrible had happened.

I think it's easy to say that Narcs can be generous, sweet, thoughtful people with people outside their own family.  I think it goes without saying that the golden child will be treated well.  My mom and MIL both are viewed by a lot of people as great mothers and grandmothers, sisters, wives, and daughters.   My MIL actually has a lot of friends and has been defended to me by several.  They all see the generous, fun loving, person.  Of course they do.  If she was such a horrible person, it would be quite difficult to maintain her narc supply.  Being adored and thought highly of is important in maintaining their position.  If they were mean to everyone, verbally abused everyone all the time, showed their true selves to everyone, they'd be lonely old women.  Maintaining this image to the "public" also helps them justify to themselves that it is us not them.  If everyone else thinks they are wonderful, it is easy for them to rationalize that there is no need to change or alter their behavior.  The problems lay squarely on the backs of everyone else.

But if I thought they were these malignant people I thought they were, how could I explain their nice behavior towards me.  I think first and foremost, no one is all bad.  Few people are truly  completely horrible monsters.  And of course, if they were, people would avoid them like the plague.  I think a lot of their good deeds are manipulations to  maintain that contact with both their narc supply and their outlet for their anger.  They provide just enough love, warmth, family that it keeps me bound to them.  If they lost me (or in MIL's case, my husband and kids), they would loose that narc supply. A lot of it is just a survival mechanism for them.  However,  I think sometimes my mom really does want to do nice things for me.  I think she thinks of me.  I think she cares for me.  The problem is that she cares for me because it is important to HER.  Not because she just cares for me.  She will do really nice things for me but there will be always be a catch.  She does nice things and then expects a payback.  And if there is no payback, then she can play the victim or the martyr.  She does nice things in order to hold it over my head.  I don't think she sets out thinking "If I buy Jessie this scarf, she'll have to do something nice for me."  But I do think she does things in an effort to "bank" points in her column.  It gives her a way to rationalize what a great mom she is.  It gives her a way to rationalize what a horrible person I (or whomever else) am because we never do for her what she does for us.  She does nice things for my kids and husband to score points too.  She thinks that if she does things for us/gives us stuff we will want to be around her more.  She also uses nice behavior to counter act her bad behavior.  If she's given us stuff or done stuff, she feels entitled to excuse some of her abusive behavior.

My MIL also does nice stuff for us.  She has flat out admitted (while laughing) that she gives things to my kids to bribe them into liking her and wanting to be around her.  She holds out promises of presents to maintain a closeness with her grandkids.  She uses promises of trips and money and gifts to secure her place of importance in the family.  She gifts things that will make her look good (although a lot of the time the gifts are someone else's idea, but she takes the credit for being "thoughtful" and finding the perfect gift).  She offers up family vacations in order to strong arm us into spending time with her.  She used to buy my husband season tickets to a sporting event, all in order to guarantee we would spend all games with her (I might add that she never offered to gift me the second ticked.  I always had to pay for it).  She offers up favors as a way of wiggling her way into her kids lives.  She offers to babysit every chance she gets.  She offers to show up for things even when it inconveniences her or her husband, all in an attempt to stay "connected" with her kids.  She has a horrible fear that her sons will cut her out of her life (she has told this directly too me, on several occasions) and so she does anything she can to cement her relationships, even if it means one son has to sacrifice for the other.  She will never say no in an attempt to maintain her image of perfect, sacrificing mother.  There is very little real sincerity in it, however, and it's always done for image.  And while I don't think this is a personal attack on me (or whomever), you can't help feeling less than important when people do things for you because it benefits THEM.  It just all feels so manipulative and shady.  There is always a price for what she does too, commitment to her of your time, energy, love and devotion.  Again, I believe it's about racking up points.  As if the points will even out all the lack of real thought, effort, or real connection.   She also uses these opportunities of helping to gather information, which she then spews to whomever will listen in her "I worry so much about them" tone.  I can't count how many times she has offered to help my SIL and then told me how sad SIL is that she can't do whatever it is she did for her.  Or she takes their trust in her and their confiding in her and shares it in a way with me that suggests she sees them as not measuring up.

There were many things that made me see things differently.  It was such a process.  But the best indicator was that I never felt better or happier or connected or any other emotion associated with family that you are supposed to have after having interactions with these women.  I always felt drained and suspicious and on edge; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I could never relax and be myself.  I always felt on guard.  I never felt noticed or seen.  I was always just a blank canvas they projected on or mirror they used to see the image of what they wanted themselves to be.