Unanswered Prayers

So, I've been praying a lot for God to guide me and give me strength.  He has answered me in so many ways.  Provided opportunities that have moved my healing along.  Provided insights that have made me more whole again.  But last night, he provided a crazy situation for me.

I have avoided leaving my children with my mother and MIL.  In fact, I haven't really had a babysitter period because I have not known how to rationalize this to the "grandmothers" and have hid behind my breastfeeding as an excuse.  But yesterday, my favorite band announced a concert and it is not something I can not go to.

First and foremost, my husband needs me.  We desperately need some time to just be the two of us.  This band is very important to us (as crazy as that sounds) and we need this time to just be us again.  Everything else we've had has been corrupted by our families and we need this time.  Not to mention, that in five years, I have not taken ONE day off from being a mom.  Not one.  I really think, no, I know, that my kids and I deserve to have a time where we are without each other to regroup.  My kids need some time away from me.  They need to know, that just because I'm not there, they will  be alright.

And in fact, I have left my oldest son.  He has been going to school two mornings a week for a year now.  Sad that I feel safe leaving my son with near strangers but the thought of leaving him with my MIL and Mom sends my anxiety racing.  And if I could somehow figure to NOT use the "moms" I would (I know this will be a suggestion, but I feel somehow, I will need to find a way to allow my kids alone time with their grandmothers).  I plan on finding a more consistent babysitter in my town.  But sometimes, it will require a grandmother.

Here's the reality,  I generally think my kids would be OK with the grandmas.  Ok, one grandma makes me extremely nervous.  She will, most likely, never be allowed to drive my small children, spend a lot of time with my small children, or watch them outside of my home (which is baby proofed, and should provide some cushion.)  She is a space cadet.  She would "tick off the boxes" (to use a good phrase from blogger, Kara) of childcare.  They wouldn't starve.  Eventually,  they will make it to sleep.  I think they will be OK.   But they will be overtired.  She will miss all emotional cues.  She will not be sympathetic when they are sad.  She will try to fix it or distract it and move on.  She will miss the small signs of my shy, independent boy.  She will  not know how to provide and emotional stability.  The other grandma will subtly undermine by sweet boy.  Not often, not intentionally, but she will somehow shame him in a sick game that suggests the shame she feels.  She probably will be short with him.  He will annoy her.

And I wrestle with it all.  Am I being a hypocrite for allowing women who have treated me so poorly access to my kids alone?  Will they damage my boys in the same way they've damaged me?  Or will an hour here, an hour there, teach them that some people are just ridiculous and that their parents unconditional love will carry through.  I can't bubble wrap them from every nasty person.  But what effect does a nasty (if not overtly, but subtly abusive) person do to them?  I don't believe my narcissistic grandmother changed me...but she really had limited access to me.  No contact is not an option.  Chaining my kids to me is not an option.  I need a release.  I need some time away.  But my guilt at not being there for my boys eats at me.  I trust them to deal with occasional disappointment, I think some less than positive feelings for them gives them character and resilience.  But where is the line?  Do these women deserve this?  It is eating me alive.

And as I wrote this, my mother called and left a voice mail.  She had heard about the concert (how in the world she found out this obscure piece of information, when she is SOOO busy at work, unnerves me) and called all hyped up...giddy even.  "I'm calling to see if you need a babysitter for XYZ.  I heard about it and wanted to see if you need a babysitter!!!!" .  What an innocent call from anyone else.  But all I can think is ick.  She is so giddy that she knows this is an opportunity that she has an advantage over me.  The news isn't five hours old and she's on the phone pushing.  Will my kids be all right for the hour and a half she has them?  (And the real sticking point is that she is putting them to bed.)  Probably so.  But what if?  Am I neurotic?  Am I hypocritical?  Does admitting your folks are so horrible, and not doing everything to protect MY family from them, make me horrible?