Bad Days

I'm having a bad day.  I'm not sure exactly why.  I know I'm depressed and sad and teary.  I'm tired and overwhelmed.  I feel like I have a lot to do but no energy or desire to do anything.  I'm irritable and cranky.   I'm being extra hard on myself today.  I'm questioning everything from my mothering to my goals in life to what the hell the point of any of it is.

Yesterday, a friend (I'll call friend EP) had texted DH a few weeks ago asking our plans for Trick or Treating.  Last year, we had plans for BIL and EP and their kids to come to our home and TorT.  Both BIL and EP had asked if they could come over, we hadn't invited them.  But we were happy to have them and their kids over.  Since I had a small infant at the time, we had told BIL and EP that we planned to go out early and while still daylight.  This plan had been in place for a week.  A few days before hand, BIL called twice to see if "things were still on".  I found this suspect, as he usually doesn't double check plans, but didn't think much of it.   On Halloween, DH came home to tell me that no one was coming.   Apparently,  EP and BIL had called each other earlier in the day, discussed how they didn't think the time I'd set to leave would work for them, and made plans with each other at EP's house.  They THEN called DH to cancel on us.   I wouldn't have cared if they had cancelled.  I understood it was difficult for them.  What bothered me is that no one said a thing for a week (both later claimed that they had not spoken to their wives and their wives put the ax on things.) and then the called each other and made alternative plans with each other, before the blew us off two hours before we were supposed to meet up.  I felt it was all suspect.  I fired off two texts to BIL and EP about how I thought it all seemed like b.s. and convoluted.  BIL (surprise) ignored me.  EP and I exchanged heated texts about the incident.  He claimed it wasn't intentional, apologized, and moved on.  Although, I was angry, I felt that I'd at least gotten to speak my piece.

I was surprised this year when EP called to ask what our plans were for TorT.  Of course, (and especially given our recent silent treatment status), BIL didn't ask about our plans at all.  But EP was coming.  DH explained that we are die-hard TorT people.  We'd go out early and be out late, but they were welcome to come if it worked for them.  EP said he'd be there as long as his work schedule didn't change.  By mid-afternoon, DH hadn't heard from EP and was going to call him.  I convinced him not to.  I told him that EP needed to be responsible for communicating with us.  It is not our job to call and double check everything with them (and everyone) all the time.  I want to let other people do some of the work in the relationship.  So, the appointed time came and went.  No friend.  No phone call.  Still no phone call today.  He just completely blew us off.

And today I'm a bit pissed off.  After the huge fiasco last year, I would've thought he'd been more respectful.  It just all seems like such bullshit.

I struggle with friendships.  I don't trust anyone really.   I have lots of friends but I often feel like the relationships are one way streets.  I have friends (and family) who love for me to host parties.  They love to invite themselves to my home.  I can't tell you when the last time someone invited me and my family to something.  I can't tell you the last time someone hosted me in their home.  I get lots of "I miss you!  We should make plans!!" but they don't ever call to make plans.  They always seem to put the responsibility on me.

DH has been pressuring me to go out with girlfriends.  I get the impression that he thinks that if I went out with a couple of friends that I would "feel better".    He likes to have a lot of friends.  He has a lot of friends.  He seems not to get that, yes, I need time for myself, but it doesn't always have to be with friends or at a "girls' night" in order to feel better.

And the truth is that I don't really know how to be friends with girls.  DH also has some fucked up distortion that I was a loner and an outcast as a kid.  That wasn't true.  I actually had a lot of friends.  I had a few close friends.  I tended to feel responsible to spend time with my family, to always be with my family, so I probably didn't hang out with others as much as I could've.  But I always had friends.  I made (and still make) friends easily.  I just don't know how to sustain any sort of relationship.  I was screwed over A LOT by my "friends" in the past.  I found women to be gossipy and catty and two-faced (and I realize not all women are, but the ones I found were.)  And then others just wanted too much of me.  Too much phone time, too much neediness, too much of me.   I always seemed to find friends who made me feel demanded of my time.  Or else it was all one sided.

I'll admit, I'm lonely at times.  I spend all day with my young children, deprived of adult conversations.  I wish I could just let go and have fun and talk with people.  But I feel like every time I  give someone the benefit of the doubt, they shit on me.  I feel like I'll be overwhelmed with demands and expectations.  I feel like they will take more than I can give.  I don't think I can be a good friend back.   And I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with my home and my kids and my crap that  I can't commit any more of myself to a friendship.  I really don't have anything else to give.  I barely have enough for myself at times.  It's a really unfortunate paradox for me.