I texted a couple of time with my sister. It was an exercise in futility. She just continued to be passive-aggression and vague, trying to bait me into looking like the bad guy. I decided that it was useless.
I'm still working on an email for her. I'm really struggling with it. I've determined that I will not be laying out all of my boundaries and getting into the meat of the relationship. I want to state clearly that we can not continue with our relationship as it is. That I will no longer be drawn into her drama (the ever present, soap opera worthy, murky, nasty drama that consumes her life). I also want to state clearly that she needs to treat me respectfully. That means being considerate of my FOC, my obligations to them, speaking to me in ways that aren't attacking and aren't abusive. That she at least feigns slight interest in my kids, my life, and the fact that I exist and have a life when I'm not on the other end of a phone line helping her with her myriad of self-created problems.
Anyway, I'm still working on it. I plan on sending it after Thanksgiving. I do not feel like dealing with her on Thanksgiving. I'm also interested to see if she will contact me before that.
She has not emailed, texted, or called. I did however, receive a phone call from her area code at 2 a.m. My guess is that it was her boyfriend. He was either calling to tell me she is in a nasty state because of me and wanted me to "fix it" or he was calling me because they were fighting, she was out of control. I've heard tale that he has done that with my mother. My mother is out of town, and I'm sure not answering her phone as much as usual. When NM is out of town, she tends to be less worried and concerned about her daughter's plights (as she should be, but as with most narcs, as soon as she's back and bored and needs some attention, her daughter's plights consume her again). So, I'm sure boyfriend did the next best thing and called me. It's ridiculous to me really. These are two people in their 30s and 40s who have to call their family to solve domestic disputes. When I heard the phone ring, I got up and immediately turned of the phone.
When I went back to sleep I had a dream that a news reporter was doing a story in the field behind my house. He told me that they had discovered that the mayor had built concrete containment units behind my home and that he was filling them with toxic materials. Although the mayor claimed the materials weren't toxic and/or were being contained so they wouldn't leak, it was clear that the toxins were leaching into the soil. I immediately panicked. It was clear that my babies had been drinking, bathing, and playing in toxins. I knew we had to move. I knew we had to sell our house and get out of there. I knew that we would take a huge loss on the house (I mean, who wants to buy a house next to toxic sludge) but we had to get out of there. It doesn't take Freud to explain this dream.
First - the more I think about it, the more I'm grooving with this idea: "I've determined that I will not be laying out all of my boundaries and getting into the meat of the relationship." I think it really would be exhausting (and probably futile) to lay out ALL of the boundaries when she refuses to respect even the most basic ones. If she seemed willing to listen and respect those, then maybe you could revisit the idea of explaining the harder ones.
ReplyDelete"She has not emailed, texted, or called." Oh, surprise, surprise. (Gee, why does that sound so familiar to me?) Once the latest crisis is over and they don't "need" you anymore, they get to go on with life as though nothing ever happened and go back to ignoring you. ESPECIALLY because you didn't do what they wanted while they were calling on you in their moment of distress. Now the silence isn't just silence, it's vindictive silence. Which is worse. The silence FEELS angry.
The dream is spot on - both you and your subconscious are brilliant. :o) The toxic sludge in close proximity, the fear for the well-being of the people most important in your life, the desperate feelings of an intense need to get away from it all - it's all there, in badass dream form.
My dreams are always pretty vivid, but I was amazed how clear and linear this one was.
DeleteYes, she kept baiting and baiting in those damn texts and when I quit playing she just gave up. I think Q said once about how the narcs just push pause, waiting in silence, until the next opportunity and then they just pick up right where they left off. That's where we are at. She's just got this on hold for the moment, waiting for me to make a move and then she'll pounce again. The silence is meant to hurt me and punish me. When I wouldn't back myself into a corner, she decided to circle around and wait me out.
And on the boundaries. Fuck. I'm clearly at square one with her again. I just am too tired to lay out a bunch of shit that she's just going to use against me. All she will do is find fault in me and cast me as the bad guy. At this point, I need to close the gates on her. Get her way the hell out to pasture. Let her mellow out there and get herself some help. Real relationships are a bit beyond her scope of accomplishments right now.
Sigh. "I'm clearly at square one with her again." I feel the same way about NMIL, oddly enough, because of all the shit that NSIL has been doing. Both of the sisters are circling now. And waiting for their "knights in shining armor" to ride in again.
DeleteLet them wait.
Healthy people don't need to have your boundaries defined for them. They understand them and have their own. Unhealthy people don't care about your boundaries. The importance of defining them isn't for the unhealthy people in your life. It's for you, so you know where you draw the line. The dream was a great visual of the problem.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm very clear that this is going to be for me only. In fact, it's very clear to me that this will be a huge turning point in our relationship. Because when she ignores my boundaries, I'll need to ignore her. And that will probably be the way of it.
DeleteWhen my NM first gave me the silent treatment, I was hurt and angry, at first. Then the light came on, silence meant peace. IMO, I wouldn't write again until she makes first contact after Thanksgiving and then I would delay several days at least. This is not passive agressive. This is establishing a new pattern of behavior that you will no longer jump when she says jump. This is very helpful to me because I was wondering what to do with someone that was pushing my boundaries. I need to establish new patterns of behavior just like this. I will let you know how I do. I think I will wait for the main discussion after Thanksgiving. I appreciate you sharing your challenges, helps me focus what I need to do in mine.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that my writing has helped you. It makes me feel as if some good is coming of this.
DeleteI only want to write to make it clear to her that the game has changed. That is, I will no longer be playing her games. I feel some what like this is hanging over my head. I haven't ever told her directly that she makes my life toxic, that I will not tolerate it, and that things need to change or there will be consequences. So, I feel I need to do that so that I can feel that I've stated my piece. She won't listen, she'll turn it around on me, but I think I'll feel some closure.
I look forward to seeing how you resolve your problem with you boundary pusher. Good luck!
That means writing her is about your needs. This is great. That also means you choose the time and place. Good luck to you, too!
Delete"These are two people in their 30s and 40s who have to call their family to solve domestic disputes. " Isn't that a sign that they're still children, who calls anyone at 2 a.m. in the morning for that? Surely they should be able to sort out their own stuff themselves.
ReplyDeleteI think what is hard with the setting boundaries is that it just feels like a pointless battle. I was thinking about all this stuff going on with my mother and how I need to be more firm in saying no to her when it downed on me that I have already been saying no, for years. She's just been ignoring me. What next for us then?
Then it's time for consequences dear. We need to start making some consequences and following through.
DeleteThis was my favourite line, too - when are these people going be ADULTS?! They're older than I am for crap's sake!
DeleteI think there's this unspoken rule in narc-fams: AUTONOMY IS WRONG.
We are the Borg. Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated! (We do not think for ourselves! We do not make up our own minds! We do not solve our own problems! We are one big dysfunctional blob!) <- okay, the Borg are quite efficient. I guess the metaphor ends there!
You're the only one that cares about your boundaries. Tell her you want a relationship and then enforce your boundaries on a case by case basis.
ReplyDeleteWhat if I don't want a relationship with this crazy person? I think that's the crux of what I'm trying to get across to her. While she's like this, I can't be around her. I know she doesn't give a shit about my boundaries (or me), but I think it gives me a starting point.
DeleteBut yeah, why bother to teach complicated swimming strokes to someone who can't even float.
Then go no contact. Nothing will draw you back in to the fray like making a formal declaration of you wanting to cut ties with her.
DeleteIsn't it crazy when you have a dream that doesn't need interpretation like that?
ReplyDeleteI had a dream where I was floating out in the ocean with nothing but a lifejacket. I noticed my parents and extended family were all around. It was a beautiful sunny day, the water was crystal clear and aqua (think carribean resort) and I could see the white sand beaches on shore. We were floating in huge waves. There was a helicopter lifting people one at a time out of the water. I kept letting people go ahead of me, thinking there was plenty of time. Finally one of the guys up in the helicopter yelled at me to grab the rope and get in because there was a huge storm coming and this was the last time they could lower the basket. I looked around at my parents and family, who were content to just stay put. Even though I was asleep, I remember the feeling of how scary it was but knowing that I had to do it. I had to save myself. I got in the basket and was lifted up. If nobody else was going to get in the basket then that wasn't my problem.
I didn't need any sort of dream interpretation for that one. And that was the week I went NC with the narcs.
Yes, some dreams really speak for themselves, don't they?
DeleteI love dream analysis. I think if we were to write down all of our dreams, they would tell the story of our lives in a really trippy way.
DeleteWhat I see here is 1) you don't really feel like having a relationship with your sister 2) you don't want to declare NC because that would cause more crazy drama, not less.
ReplyDeleteIf you calmly, charitably, politely establish - in written form - your basic boundaries, in reality that just might be enough to cause NC without any drama, because she'll feel she's the one in control, punishing you by her absence for your audacity. I say go for it.
The dream sure was eery. And incredibly clear. Hugs.
PA- you see things incredibly clearly. You are spot on and have put it in a much clearer way than I was able to articulate.
DeleteIt's hard even seeing someone write "you don't really feel like a relationship with your sister". Because it's the truth...mostly. I hate thinking I'll never talk to her again, but it's clear, having been left out of all of her b.s. lately, that I can not continue on with things as they were. That I was very unhappy with the relationship. It just hurts a lot.
I wanted to add a third point to PA's:
Delete3) You are worried for the safety and well-being of your family.
I think your subconscious mind is incredibly intelligent! That's a really cool dream, Jessie! I wish mine were as obvious as that (my subconscious is all over the map!). ;-)