Emotional Puberty

When my parents got divorced, I was 14.  I used to think that I got stuck developmentally at 14, because of my parents divorce.  That at 14, I was thrust into being an adult and I never got that chance to discover who I really was.  At a time when I was supposed to try out being a grown up, while still having the safety net of family to fall back on, I was unceremoniously tossed on the high wire without any net.  My childhood was over.  I didn't get to have a rebellion.  I didn't get to try on new identities.  I didn't get to figure myself out.  I just got to be an adult.  I think, now, that I would've gotten stuck in this stage regardless of if my parents divorced. I think I that the outcome would have been the same for me.  Because I didn't get stuck there due to the divorce, I got stuck there because of my parents.

I believe I always was expected to behave older than my age.  To be mature and responsible.  I was never allowed to be childish or immature.  These things were punished greatly.  I was rarely able to just be a kid, in the sense that my parents accepted my behavior as just typical childhood development.  And when my parents divorced, I was thrust into a world full of adult things I couldn't understand and were never explained to me.  It was chaotic and dramatic and scary.  No one stopped to make sure I was OK or understood or knew that anyone was there for me.  I grew up quickly.  I became an adult.  I took care of myself a lot (even more than before).  I knew I didn't have anyone to fall back on.  I became even more responsible than I had been.  Super responsible, that was me.  I didn't depend on my family at all and I was given minimal help through my teens and early adulthood.   I looked the part of perfect, responsible adult.

But, somehow I was arrested emotionally.  I ticked all the boxes of being an adult (thanks Kara, for that phrase) but I didn't feel like an adult.  I felt like a little girl.  I had a friend who always complimented me, told me that she was impressed with me, my style, my home and implied I had such a great sense of self.  I knew she had to be delusional.  When I looked at her, she always seemed like a grown up.  She was always put together, stylish, dressed like a grown woman.  If I even tried to dress like that, I felt like an impostor.  A little girl in her mother's fancy necklaces and boots.  Even after I got married, had my own children, owned my own home, started a career, had been out of my parents home for over a decade, I still felt like a girl.  And I'm not talking "child at heart", loving life in a child-like way feelings.  I felt insecure and unsure about myself.  I lacked any ideas of who I was or what I wanted to be.  I lacked any self identity.  I didn't know how to gauge my own feelings.  I felt like a ping pong ball emotionally, bouncing in reactivity to everything in my life.  I felt out of control and helpless.

I have felt recently like I've gone through emotional puberty.  I feel like I've suddenly found a safe place within myself to grow up.  I can't really explain where it is all coming from, but I suddenly feel more grown up and in control of myself than I ever have.   I noticed I have a new understanding with myself that it's OK to just be me, and if they don't like me that's fine.  Not everyone has to like me.  This has to be coming from all of this work I've done lately.  And I have to say I really like it.  I like been accountable to myself and myself only.

 I still have lots of work to do.  But I think even that is a big step.  To be able to look at myself and see what I need to work on.  I need to quit thinking I can fix everything or help everyone.  I have to quit thinking that everyone has to like what I do.  I have to quit feeling responsible for other's feelings.  I have to quit worrying so much about what everyone thinks of me.  I need to allow myself to let my emotions settle before I fully respond to things.  I need to continue to learn about myself, identify "me", and decide who I want to be in this world.  I need to not be so hard on myself.  I need to accept myself for who I am.


And on a side note, one of the reasons I was most angry with my mother related to this.  When she divorced my father, she was very busy with her own life.  I took on responsibilities beyond my years, took care of myself, picked myself off and dusted myself off.   When the "newness" of her new family wore off, she came back to me (several years later) and expected me to revert back to the child she had abandoned.  She wanted to come back in and play the role of engulfing mother.  She wanted me to be helpless and need her and look up to her.  She wanted me to revert to a younger age.  I can not tell you how angry this made me.  Not only was she unwilling to acknowledge that I'd changed, grown up, and moved on, but she wanted to erase it all for her own selfish needs.  She wanted to play the good ole narc-forget game and go back in time.  She wanted me (and still wants me) to remain a child forever.  A needy, helpless child who needs mommy to guide and protect me.  She still does this with my sister.  I see my in-laws doing it with my sibling-in-laws.  They all want to remain the savior to their children forever.  And consequently they have not grown up at all. As I've reached this new stage in my development, it makes me sad for my siblings that they will remain in this creepy frozen state forever.  Frankly,  I think NM is stuck as a child too.