NSis just texted me. I had a feeling this was coming. I noticed she's been baiting me on FB lately after deleting her account. Posting things to let me know that she's back on FB. I've been ignoring her.
Well, she just texted "I haven't heard from you in awhile. Are you mad at me?" What the hell? Um, no? What does she expect me to say? After all this crap and drama lately, you're going to put the responsibility on me for NC? I really have no clue how to respond.
jessie,
ReplyDeleteBait, bait, bait and YANK!
You haven't stepped in to rescue her from herself in the middle of all her drama. You had a conversation with NM where you refused to engage on the subject of NSis. I'm guessing NM passed this on with her own twist...
So, you must be mad at her, right? N's are ever the victim; it's one of the ways that they retain power over others.
I'm sure that you will find the correct way to respond, if you do at all. Hopefully you know that you don't have to respond right away?
Love,
Vanci
Yes, I'm thinking this one out very carefully.
DeleteBAIT is right. The more I think about it the more pissed I get. Such passive aggressive bullshit bait. She somehow manages to cast me as the bad guy for not getting a hold of her (I have. Several times. She just doesn't respond). Normally, that would've caused me to jump to defend myself. Then, her "are you mad at me?" victim game. More reasons to cast me as the horrible person. I'll have to sleep on this.
My darling, you've totally beat me to the punch. Reading her text, the first thing I thought was, "She's putting the onus for this LC/NC on Jessie. She's assuming victimhood and attributing all the demonstrative qualities to you."
DeleteMaybe you could text back. "Not mad. Just very busy. All's fine here."
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't give her any reason to whine back that she's not ok (if you say anything like "hope you're doing well", for instance. Too much of an opening for her). But it also is the bare minimum and let's her know YOU are good.
Just a suggestion. I hope you find one that fits feeling appropriate to you best. There isn't a good answer. These Ns don't leave us with any.
V.R. I love your response. I knew posting here would get me some good ideas. I've really been stumped as to what to say that wouldn't be inflammatory, but would make a point. Thanks so much!
DeleteAnd she definitely managed a lose/lose situation for me. She passive-aggressively cast me as the bad guy with two little sentences and made herself out as the victim.
Me, I tend to sit on things for a while. It gives me time to work through the emotional response before I try to make any kind of decision. That way I'm coming from a place of thought-out decision instead of knee-jerk reaction.
ReplyDeleteThanks Judy. I was actually got to see how far I've come today in that I didn't instantly reply. And I didn't feel any guilt that I didn't instantly reply. I definitely need to think about this one.
DeleteWhat does she want?
ReplyDeleteDon't let her hear you ask that.
I have a feeling she will have no problem telling you all about it.
But man, wouldn't it be nice to blunt and straightforward for once? If I wasn't dealing with a crazy person, that'd be the simple solution. As I am, it'd be like asking the devil in for tea.
DeleteWhat if you focus on you and what you want? I was thinking today that the N's usually twist everything around to where it's about them, so make it about you. For one thing that chases them away. : )
ReplyDeleteQ's Sis
Really good thought. When I've contacted her in the recent past (despite her feelings to the contrary), I kept it brief and not focused on her. And I got no response. Something for me to think about...
DeleteI haven't really got any advice to offer, but I really like Q's sis's idea. Bog her down with you and yours and maybe she will back off.
DeleteMaybe a non answer to her are you mad at me if you don't want to get into it. I use that constantly! Or a "I guess I haven't heard from you for a while".
Communication is a two way street after all.
My knee jerk reaction would be to send a text "Should I be?" Sometimes those little expressions are coming from a place that they know they acted out of line. Unfortunately, a question does engage them with more conversation and as mentioned above it is a foot in the door for her to talk about herself. I kind of like V.R.'s answer. Short, simple and about you. Or don't bother answering for a few days. Then a quick, "Wow I am super busy, do you want to hear about all the wonderful things I am doing?" Recognizing the problem is half the battle.
ReplyDeleteHer text is a classic passive-aggressive move to bait me into a fight. She is actually angry with ME and if I dared say that I am angry she would jump on me. She is extremely unstable right now and I don't care to engage in her crap. And in the end, after beating me up, she would want me to "support" her because she isn't getting the attention she wants from my parents right now.
DeleteI think simple and to the point is my best bet.
Another good strategy is to just ask questions about them and give them NOTHING about you. You'd think an N would love the opportunity to talk solely about themselves, but I guarantee they'll squirm when you don't give them info on you!!!! It's fun! >:-)
ReplyDelete