I had a lot of titles swirling around in my head for this post. My favorite: Go Fuck Yourself. Because I'm more than a little pissed off today. I'm more than a little angry. And maybe, as many of you pointed out, this might just be the final kick in the ass I needed.
A couple of positive points first. A big thank you to Quercus Garryanna (which by the way is a bitch to spell ;). I did look up what it means though . Very fitting!). She asked me today in an email if this narc stuff gets better. That little question stopped me for a minute. It helped pull my head back up beyond the murk. And I want to thank her for asking me that. Because, really, I do think it's better. In years past, a situation like yesterday would've sent me into a death spiral. I would have been teary and depressed and mopey for days. I would have been anxiety ridden and panicky. I would have felt overwhelmed with sadness and guilt and feelings of obligation. I would have felt an overwhelming urge to call NM and NSis and talk it out for hours (not really helping, but fulfilling their narc supply needs). I would not have been able to be angry in an appropriate way. Today, I am angry. But not in a screaming and yelling and throwing things, unhealthy angry way. I can be angry and sit with it and feel it and not be scared of it.
I also want to thank all of you for reading and offering your support yesterday. It is amazing what you all have given me: much needed reality checks, kicks in the pants, validation, and support. Oh, and a couple of virtual beers at the ULB Bar. I actually don't drink beer, but I do love a good whiskey. So, I got a hefty does of virtual whiskey last night. Thanks.
OK. I'm angry. This post is going to be all of the place as I have no real direction and so much has happened to process that I may just have to jump from one place to another.
I'm angry with my father. It has nothing to do with the situation at hand. But, in hunting him down to give him the news, I discovered he's on vacation. For the second week in as many months. I do not begrudge him a vacation. But as some of you may remember, he made demands on short notice this summer to visit me. He demanded one particular week and I learned later that the week he picked had to do with him running away from something he didn't want to do. And when I told him he needed to pick another week, any other week (and I had already told him that this week was out) he refused to come at all. He told me at the time that he doesn't like to "plan ahead". Which I guess is fine. But I have lots of other things in my life and if you can't try and be reasonable so be it. BUT, these two particular vacations have been planned out for almost a year. So, yeah, he doesn't want to plan ahead if it is for me. So, I'm angry.
I'm angry with my sister. Aside from the obvious verbal abuse she unleashed on me yesterday and the shame and blame she dumped on me, I'm angry because she is being deceptive. I do not know exactly how deceptive she is being and about what, but she is being deceptive. And she is doing it in order to control people. My father left a voice message last night that NSis is NOT having surgery now. You read that right (and I'm sure most of you are not shocked by this), but the HUGE FUCKING ISSUE is no longer an issue...for now...but could pop back up. She still is not being forthcoming, but in the endless stream of emails I've received to NM, what I can pick up is this (and keep in mind, I can not verify and of this, and nor do I necessarily believe any of it): NSis's doctor called yesterday to tell her that "oops. There may be other options." NSis said she panicked when she heard the initial news-that former test results were wrong-and scheduled the surgery because she just wanted to get this over with. But now there are more options. And she's going to be meeting with the doctor. Confused? Yeah, I would be too, except all I hear is blah, blah, blah, pay attention to me. And that's all that matters. Blah, blah, lies, blah, blah, ME!! I'm angry that NSis won't grow up. I'm angry that NSis blames everyone but herself. I'm angry that NSis expects everyone to drop everything to attend to her and her imagination. I'm angry because she is covering her vagueness and bullshit by saying she's "trying to protect everyone" and doesn't want anyone to worry about her. She bitches and complains about no support, but she won't let anyone support her. Aside from her treatment of me, she's been no better with my parents who have actually BEEN trying to be supportive of her. They've called, sent flowers, sent money, offered to visit. All of it has been refused or taken and not acknowledged or appreciated.
I'm angry with my mother. I'm angry that she calls me up and cries on my shoulder like a child. I'm angry that she gives two shits about the effect that it has on my life. I'm angry that she has called repeatedly and emailed over and over. I'm angry that in the emails she has said "I'm not making excuses for her BUT" and then goes onto to excuse all of NSis's behavior on hormones and stress and sadness. I'm angry that she thinks I'm delusional enough to forget that NSis has ALWAYS behaved like this, for years and years and years. And that this is not new. I'm angry that my mother created this little clusterfuck, waters it, feeds it, feeds off of it, and then complains about it. I'm angry that she complains to me about how fucked up it is and then chastises me for agreeing with her. I'm angry that in most of the emails today and most of the conversations of yesterday, she talked about how much it EFFECTED HER. She actually said, "it's hard being the mom." Well, I bet it fucking is. I'm angry she's used this to unload more of her medical dramas on me. I'm angry that she's sat around waiting for a moment to zing me to get back at me for not caring enough about her. I'm angry that twice now she's randomly inserted the phrase "Yeah, your sister says 'Just because I don't have her (Jessie's) fairytale life..." and then trails off. This comment is inserted in the most moment. The first time she said it, it caught me off guard (having a conversation with NM is like a game of "Whack a Mole". Before I can even respond to one statement, she pops up in another area.). Yesterday, I tried to pin her down on this statement. I asked her how in the hell that statement was even made. She said "I know, it is weird." I said, no, what kind of conversation where you having that the was her response? And what was the end of that response? And what did that mean? I told her I refuse to feel guilty because I have a normal life. I asked her what was the point of saying that? NM hemmed and hawed and changed the subject. I'm guessing that this little statement was more about NM communicating HER feelings towards me than my sister. Although I'm sure sister feels that way too, that I'm some snob who has disregarded her family, NM feels that way too. NM is jealous and spiteful and angry that I have continued to lead my life (and gasp! Be happy) despite the "hell" they are going through. If I'm not in a puddle on the floor, calling and checking on them, I'm a stuck up snobby bitch.
I'm angry that NM has used this opportunity to bomb me with her chaos (I'm currently no longer responding to these stupid emails). I'm angry that she sends me these emails that detail how my sister's night went, that she got a good night's sleep, that NM had a heart-to-heart with NSis about how NSis is feeling. Oh, and then she tacks on a "hope you are OK" bullshit line at the bottom. Gee, thanks for the bone. I'm angry that I know she CHOOSES to be this way. She makes chooses to put NSis first, well, herself first, and me last. I'm the bottom on her fucked up pyramid. I'm angry that my NM believes all the bullshit she spews. That she knows the truth. That she knows NSis is fishy. But that she covers for her, makes excuses for her, and defends her at every turn. And she expects me to eat everything she serves up. I'm angry that she enables NSis at every turn and calls everyone else lousy human beings for not being like her. I'm angry that she described herself yesterday as above this drama that NSis creates. That she identified herself as "calm, and collected, and (some other bullshit that implied she was serene and thoughtful)." Apparently, she forgot she was talking to her daughter. That I don't need her to label herself for me. That I would never buy the bullshit labels she's created for herself, and see them only as further proof of her disillusionment. That she is not cool and collected and peaceful. That she is spiteful and passive aggressive and quietly bides her time until she can enact revenge by beating you in the back of the head when you aren't looking. That she is no example of moral high ground and wisdom and serenity that she keeps trying to tell me she is. She's so desperate to have people admire her for her good character, yet she has none to admire.
I'm going to have to think about all of this for awhile.
Post Update; I just noticed my sister deleted me from her friends on FB. I guess that speaks loud and clear to me.