Releasing the past in order to find myself

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sucker Punched by Bullshit

I had a lot of titles swirling around in my head for this post.  My favorite: Go Fuck Yourself.  Because I'm more than a little pissed off today.  I'm more than a little angry.  And maybe, as many of you pointed out, this might just be the final kick in the ass I needed.

A couple of positive points first.  A big thank you to Quercus Garryanna (which by the way is a bitch to spell ;).  I did look up what it means though . Very fitting!).  She asked me today in an email if this narc stuff gets better.  That little question stopped me for a minute.  It helped pull my head back up beyond the murk.  And I want to thank her for asking me that.  Because, really, I do think it's better.  In years past, a situation like yesterday would've sent me into a death spiral.  I would have been teary and depressed and mopey for days.  I would have been anxiety ridden and panicky.  I would have felt overwhelmed with sadness and guilt and feelings of obligation.  I would have felt an overwhelming urge to call NM and NSis and talk it out for hours (not really helping, but fulfilling their narc supply needs).  I would not have been able to be angry in an appropriate way.  Today, I am angry.  But not in a screaming and yelling and throwing things, unhealthy angry way.  I can be angry and sit with it and feel it and not be scared of it.

I also want to thank all of you for reading and offering your support yesterday.  It is amazing what you all have given me: much needed reality checks, kicks in the pants, validation, and support.  Oh, and a couple of virtual beers at the ULB Bar.  I actually don't drink beer, but I do love a good whiskey.  So, I got a hefty does of virtual whiskey last night.  Thanks.

OK.  I'm angry.  This post is going to be all of the place as I have no real direction and so much has happened to process that I may just have to jump from one place to another.

I'm angry with my father.  It has nothing to do with the situation at hand.  But, in hunting him down to give him the news, I discovered he's on vacation.  For the second week in as many months.   I do not begrudge him a vacation.  But as some of you may remember, he made demands on short notice this summer to visit me.  He demanded one particular week and I learned later that the week he picked had to do with him running away from something he didn't want to do.  And when I told him he needed to pick another week, any other week (and I had already told him that this week was out) he refused to come at all.  He told me at the time that he doesn't like to "plan ahead".  Which I guess is fine.  But I have lots of other things in my life and if you can't try and be reasonable so be it.  BUT, these two particular vacations have been planned out for almost a year.  So, yeah, he doesn't want to plan ahead if it is for me.  So, I'm angry.

I'm angry with my sister.  Aside from the obvious verbal abuse she unleashed on me yesterday and the shame and blame she dumped on me, I'm angry because she is being deceptive.  I do not know exactly how deceptive she is being and about what, but she is being deceptive.  And she is doing it in order to control people.  My father left a voice message last night that NSis is NOT having surgery now.  You read that right (and I'm sure most of you are not shocked by this), but the HUGE FUCKING ISSUE is no longer an issue...for now...but could pop back up.   She still is not being forthcoming, but in the endless stream of emails I've received to NM, what I can pick up is this (and keep in mind, I can not verify and of this, and nor do I necessarily believe any of it):  NSis's doctor called yesterday to tell her that "oops.  There may be other options."  NSis said she panicked when she heard the initial news-that former test results were wrong-and scheduled the surgery because she just wanted to get this over with.  But now there are more options.  And she's going to be meeting with the doctor.  Confused?  Yeah, I would be too, except all I hear is blah, blah, blah, pay attention to me.  And that's all that matters.  Blah, blah, lies, blah, blah, ME!!  I'm angry that NSis won't grow up.  I'm angry that NSis blames everyone but herself.  I'm angry that NSis expects everyone to drop everything to attend to her and her imagination.  I'm angry because she is covering her vagueness and bullshit by saying she's "trying to protect everyone" and doesn't want anyone to worry about her.  She bitches and complains about no support, but she won't let anyone support her.  Aside from her treatment of me, she's been no better with my parents who have actually BEEN trying to be supportive of her.  They've called, sent flowers, sent money, offered to visit.  All of it has been refused or taken and not acknowledged or appreciated.

I'm angry with my mother.  I'm angry that she calls me up and cries on my shoulder like a child.  I'm angry that she gives two shits about the effect that it has on my life.  I'm angry that she has called repeatedly and emailed over and over. I'm angry that in the emails she has said "I'm not making excuses for her BUT" and then goes onto to excuse all of NSis's behavior on hormones and stress and sadness.  I'm angry that she thinks I'm delusional enough to forget that NSis has ALWAYS behaved like this, for years and years and years.  And that this is not new.  I'm angry that my mother created this little clusterfuck, waters it, feeds it, feeds off of it, and then complains about it.  I'm angry that she complains to me about how fucked up it is and then chastises me for agreeing with her.  I'm angry that in most of the emails today and most of the conversations of yesterday, she talked about how much it EFFECTED HER.  She actually said, "it's hard being the mom."  Well, I bet it fucking is.  I'm angry she's used this to unload more of her medical dramas on me.  I'm angry that she's sat around waiting for a moment to zing me to get back at me for not caring enough about her.  I'm angry that twice now she's randomly inserted the phrase "Yeah, your sister says 'Just because I don't have her (Jessie's) fairytale life..." and then trails off.  This comment is inserted in the most moment.  The first time she said it, it caught me off guard (having a conversation with NM is like a game of "Whack a Mole".  Before I can even respond to one statement, she pops up in another area.).  Yesterday, I tried to pin her down on this statement.  I asked her how in the hell that statement was even made.  She said "I know, it is weird."  I said, no, what kind of conversation where you having that the was her response?  And what was the end of that response?  And what did that mean?  I told her I refuse to feel guilty because I have a normal life.  I asked her what was the point of saying that?  NM hemmed and hawed and changed the subject.  I'm guessing that this little statement was more about NM communicating HER feelings towards me than my sister.  Although I'm sure sister feels that way too, that I'm some snob who has disregarded her family, NM feels that way too.  NM is jealous and spiteful and angry that I have continued to lead my life (and gasp! Be happy) despite the "hell" they are going through.  If I'm not in a puddle on the floor, calling and checking on them, I'm a stuck up snobby bitch.

I'm angry that NM has used this opportunity to bomb me with her chaos (I'm currently no longer responding to these stupid emails).  I'm angry that she sends me these emails that detail how my sister's night went, that she got a good night's sleep, that NM had a heart-to-heart with NSis about how NSis is feeling.  Oh, and then she tacks on a "hope you are OK" bullshit line at the bottom.  Gee, thanks for the bone.  I'm angry that I know she CHOOSES to be this way.  She makes chooses to put NSis first, well, herself first, and me last.  I'm the bottom on her fucked up pyramid.  I'm angry that my NM believes all the bullshit she spews.  That she knows the truth.  That she knows NSis is fishy.  But that she covers for her, makes excuses for her, and defends her at every turn.  And she expects me to eat everything she serves up.  I'm angry that she enables NSis at every turn and calls everyone else lousy human beings for not being like her.  I'm angry that she described herself yesterday as above this drama that NSis creates.  That she identified herself as "calm, and collected, and (some other bullshit that implied she was serene and thoughtful)."  Apparently, she forgot she was talking to her daughter.  That I don't need her to label herself for me.  That I would never buy the bullshit labels she's created for herself, and see them only as further proof of her disillusionment.  That she is not cool and collected and peaceful.  That she is spiteful and passive aggressive and quietly bides her time until she can enact revenge by beating you in the back of the head when you aren't looking.  That she is no example of moral high ground and wisdom and serenity that she keeps trying to tell me she is.  She's so desperate to have people admire her for her good character, yet she has none to admire.

I'm going to have to think about all of this for awhile.

Post Update;  I just noticed my sister deleted me from her friends on FB.  I guess that speaks loud and clear to me.


  1. It'll be interesting to see what they do now you're no longer going along with their script ;)
    And you're right, it is way better, it's good to remember how far we've come. Another fitting title could have been: Boldly going where no man has gone before.

    1. Well, I see she just deleted me from her facebook account. I guess she's icing me out of her life.

  2. Life does get better and better as time and practice of taking responsibility of your own life and allowing them the same privilege. My counselor taught me the 3Ds, Delete, Delete, Delete. I felt guilt at first but slowly I am taking real pleasure in using the delete key. Anger shines a glaring light on the hurt, fear and frustration. I think your post is an excellent example of identifying each person and their respective behaviors and why you feel the way you do. You are an amazing woman. Here's to growing stronger everyday.

    1. Thanks Ruth. I appreciate your kind words.

      I love what you said about allowing them the privilege of taking responsibility for their own life.

  3. Honey. This is not my usual comment. I don't feel like ' tough love' at this moment.

    Just, sweetie. Keep a list. Talk to Jonsi. Keep a list, an email binder, an excel spreadsheet... You only need (I think and I'm an admited asshole) facts here. You don't need to DO anything really, you just need (I mean I think you need0 to record facts. Get all SPOCK on the data <--ha ha any star trek fans) and just... sit and record it. Sort it. Hang with yourself and just BE.

    There is time enough to DO. Just be.

    And I'm sorry your family is such assholes. (hahahaha)

    1. Thanks Gladys. It sucks I'm at that point. But I am. I'm in the Binder of Facts Club.

      And thanks for reminding me to just be. To sit with this. Sometimes I think that is the absolute best thing I can do.

    2. Dudettes, my binder is over 400 pages long. Ain't nobody gonna mess with that shit.

      Also, keep voice recordings of voicemails for evidence, either for yourself to analyze later (you can always delete them down the road, who wants that stuff hanging around forever) or for evidence if you ever need it in court. You may never, but wouldn't it be nice to cover things? Even just a few recordings - a rage here, obvious lies there, could be of great help, I think. A way to prove that they are the crazy ones, because they'll sure as hell try to make you look like the crazy one.

    3. Um. I did just a wee bit more than facts in my binder. Just a wee bit of analysis here and there. :o)

      But I'm going to be putting sticky notes on the pages that a police officer or judge would be particularly interested in, for quick reference. And DH has copies of the most important documents at work, just in case he ever has to call the police there for any unwanted intrusions.

      Facts make me feel a lot better. And facts in a binder? Hell yes. That's my current solution to life's problems. Heck yes it is.

    4. Hooray for the Binder-O-Truth! (like the Necromonicon, only not bound in human flesh) - between you and Vanci, there is a SCORCHED EARTH sorta thing gonna go down. I almost cannot wait to hear how it goes. Because I want your narcs to be blown away. (mentally, I meant mentally.)

  4. It's probably better not to be her friend on FB, this way you won't have to see her updates. At first it feels awful but over time you'll feel better and better.

    Q's Sis

    1. I agree that it's better this way. The thing is she doesn't use the damn thing anyway. She's been back on for only the past week or so, trying to bait me into contact with her. I guess, for me, it just signals that she's willing to ax out my kids as well as me (it's about the only place she gets information about them or sees them at all) and it just confirms she doesn't give two shits about me or my family. She'd rather try and hurt me. And it is just so damn childish.

    2. Jessie - yes. She was baiting you. And it is far, FAR better for you to axe HER out of your kid's lives than to keep her in. She is poison, and your children don't need even a little bite of poison. FB gives her way too much info about you, and she uses it against you. You are doing a great job with this mess.

  5. jessie,
    I think that you're doing everything that you need to do to process this. And I think that you're doing a great job.

    Allowing myself to be angry at the (rightfully anger inducing) way that I was being treated was a big step for me.

    I'm rooting for you and wishing you a couple of peaceful days. :)


  6. You're sounding incredibly clear and strong to me now. Anger becomes you. Keep strong. Hugs.

  7. I am a so happy to see the anger, Jessie. I think that's one of the most important feelings to have, because it means you don't like the way you're being treated, it means you fully realize how much is wrong here. And there is a lot.

    More analysis soon - gotta shovel ourselves out here, lots of snow.

    Lots of hugs from me!

    1. Thanks Jonsi. And stay warm! We have snow coming down at the moment too!

      I still have my moments of feeling...I don't know, just sick. But I think I'm able to see things so much more clearly.

  8. All I can say is when times are at their worst. Narc's are at their chicken shit best. Hard times, real or imagined, kicks the hamster on the treadmill that drives their minds into high gear.

  9. I started reading your blog yesterday. I am only up to July, but I had to stop reading for now - and write.
    I snuck a peek at this recent post - haven't read it all the way through, but enough to know that you are growing. You are getting angry. GOOD!

    OMG - with so many NUTS around you, no wonder you doubt yourself! You have nobody normal around to ... well, balance the scales. I mean, nobody is truly normal -- we all have our quirks. But geez, all of these people are so far off the deep end -- and they accuse YOU of being the difficult one! This is so hard to read - I just shake in anger out of the injustice I feel for your situation.

    Ok - that said -- just a few quick words of advice and support. I've been through a lot with my own MIL (now deceased) and my M. I would say my M has many N traits, but not full blown. Just some big time disorders. My MIL -- less N traits, but more... I don't even know. She was religious when it suited her, was good at hiding behind the bible - was not consistantly a nice person. Pulled her mean girl crap on the scapegoat daughter, and then me -- the only DIL, as BIL was divorced.

    Before her death, I learned how to cope with her as best I could. If she was living, I think my life would probably still have a lot more stress in it - not because of her so much, but because of her PLUS her daughters. Three daughters, although one was the clear favorite. Which was the perfect way of treating them, as they all wanted to earn her favor, and one way of doing that was the Mean Girl Tag Team, against ME.

    I learned coping skills for my MIL, but during that time it started to become obvious that things I'd be angry at my MIL about - boundaries she would stomp --- I was letting my own M get away with the same, and a lot worse! She was becoming a wedge in my marriage!
    Like your M, she tried to create that wedge, and treated DH like an interloper. When that didn't work, she tried to butter him up, and get him on her side against me. (which didn't work)
    Everything just gets worse, when kids come along, doesn't it? I had my son, and things got worse. I was miserable. I eventually took charge with MIL and put her in her place. My M was harder, because I had been SO conditioned to be the "good daughter."
    When my son was 7 - it all came to a head. But thats another story for another day.

  10. What I want to tell you is that it gets better. It will never be a completely stress free life while they are alive - or unless you go C/O. I didn't want to do that either - although it was definitely on the table, as you have said it is, if big enough boundaries are trampled.
    It gets easier when the kids grow up! They are individuals with their own minds, and they aren't going to put up with the same krap from your FOO as you did - they don't have to! And you should be supportive of that (as I'm sure you will) as long as they are well mannered and respectful. (Although if Grandma isn't respectful and my son gives it right back to her - she is on her own!)
    It IS hard not to have that support network, oh gosh, is it ever! But that gets easier too! I know it seems like forever to you now - but all of a sudden your kids will be grown up, and it will seem like it happened in the blink of an eye.
    My one bit of advice for now -- don't let your FOO and your IL's ruin this special time for your family. This time when your kids are small, it can be such hard work, such frustration, etc -- especially when you don't have that network, and you have all these outside stressors! But do whatever you can to carve out special, fun and nice times for your IMMEDIATE family. Don't feel guily at leaving all those others OUT. They had their chance - this is your opportunity with your babies. They don't get their childhood back, there are no do-overs. I think a lot of MILs and M's like to butt in with the grandkids precisely because they never got to do their kids "their way" (or they were just too into themselves to be bothered) and they want to re-write history by trying to "parent" the Grandkids, or at least by stepping in where they shouldn't be.
    Not only that - but defend and protect your children from these idiots! When my M started criticizing my son the way she always criticizes everybody, especially me - thats when I found my voice. I discovered I CAN tell her "no", I can tell her when to back the F off, and she HAS to listen, she has no choice. Thats what you have to realize -- you have the power. This is your life. If you can't do it for your life, do it for your kids.
    I am hoping to read future posts where you stand up for yourself, and you aren't ashamed or guilty. Who cares what label they try to pin on you - anxious, over protective, organized -- what BS!!! Some of those things absolutely go with 'good mother' territory, and they are just pizzed because they can't say you aren't a good mother! When they say you are any of those things, take it as a compliment. I haven't read one single thing that you have done that isn't normal, and EVERYTHING they say and do is freakin' NUTS.
    I can't decide who is worse! First I think, OMG her MIL is off the wall. Then your NM. Then your sister. Then your father. Then your step mom! I know its easy to wonder if its you, because so many people in your life are CRAZY. But its not you. I think many times people from dysfunctional FOO's marry others from dysfunctional FOOs. Then you have divorce - and your dad just went from one kind of nut to another, which is also common. You poor thing -- hang in there! I will write again, after I read everything - which might take another day or two. -- Terry M.

    1. Terry, I'm glad you are here reading and commenting. It is good to hear that I'm not a nut-completely ;).

      Things are getting better. And the one thing I am adamant about (and so is my husband) is spending quality time with my kids. I know only too well how quickly it goes and I want to have no regrets. I agree whole heartedly that most of what my NM and MIL do is because of a desire to get back those years of their own kids' early days (for whatever reason).