Damn. I thought I was going to make it through the day. And it's been kind of a rough one. I'm having one of those days. Not a bad day. Just a pissy day. Hormonal day. Sick and tired of being sick and tired day. Mad at myself because I can't pull my ass out of a funk for my kids day. Mad because my husband's heading out for three days day. And he needs a break. And I shouldn't make him feel guilty for it. But I'm annoyed. And sad. And just pissy. And I've been short with my kid. And I've been sad.
No in-law drama. My parents-in-law are hosting my husband's cousin for the day. I find the fact that they are hosting my husband's cousin and his wife, who live two states away instead of us ironic. Sure, we could go if we wanted to. But inhaling the dog dander for hours on end would be the death of me. So, I guess that's out. My BIL and his wife life half a mile away. He texted that he has cooked a huge feast. They didn't invite us. But then why would they? They have lived in our town for four years and have never invited us to their home for dinner or drinks or anything (except one BBQ with a bunch of other people and one birthday party). So, I'm not surprised. I know. I don't invite them either. But I'm fucking tired. I've invited them over. And over. And over again. They come, they eat my food, the let me wait on them. And then they leave for better plans. Or they don't show up. Or they forget to thank me for slaving away. Or they forget to talk to me. So, there's that...
Talked to mom and dad. Same old, same old. NM was OK. No drama. Relatively nice conversation. Dad was grouchy. Bitched about gifts for Christmas. "We are all getting to be adults, right?", he says. Because I guess Christmas is only for kids. Neither of them brought up my sister.
I was waiting for her. Waiting for her to do something. At 4 p.m. I got a short "Happy thanksgiving." text. I responded with the same. She called me. I didn't answer. I didn't want to, but I was also in the middle of cooking. She called my husband. I didn't even know she had his phone number. Then she texted "please don't be mad at me."
DH laughed when I told him. He knew. I knew. But damn, I couldn't shake off the sucker punched feeling. I couldn't stop the tears. All I can hear is her voice when we were little girls. Please, Jessie, don't be mad at me. The same voice she used when she'd figured out she'd pushed me a little too far. The voice of a little girl who is scared. A child begging me to not leave her alone. It killed me. It is my weakness. This is the chink in my armor. That fucking voice. That little girl, with the big brown eyes. The sad, sad little girl.
You know, I know, it's not that fucking simple. This isn't a sibling squabble that will we can just "let go and move on from". I can't just not be mad at her any more. To be fair, I'm not mad at her now. I'm just so god damn tired of this shit. So FUCKING TIRED OF IT ALL.
I can't even write about this all without tears. I hurt for her. I hurt for me. I know that she misses that "big sister" she "needs". I am sad I can't be that for her anymore. I'm sad I can't rescue that little girl. It's like I can see her. Big brown eyes, dimpled cheeks, sweet and round and little on an island. Begging me to not be mad at her anymore. And I can't do a damned thing about it. Because she's not a little girl anymore.
What an impossible situation to be in, Jessie. No wonder you're upset. I think it's okay to be tired (though I sure know that feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired!).
ReplyDeleteI wonder how this would be (and I agree it's hokey and a little contrived) - what if you could sit down with that sad, scared little girl, put your arm around her, and kindly explain to her why you can't help her. Gently explain that although she thinks she's still a little girl, she really isn't and hasn't been for some time. See if you can explain how frustrated you feel and how you'd like to help her. And then explain to her what she has to do.
The thing is, that little girl really IS in YOUR HEAD. She doesn't exist in reality. So it's just fine to talk with her and reason with her and care for her - it doesn't affect anything except inside of you.
Do you think it would work? Might make you feel like you were able to do something? A bit of relief maybe? I hope it helps.
<3 QG
Thanks QG. Before I read down, I thought, QG must be crazy. There is no little girl really to "talk to". Because, as I read farther and saw you say, she only exists in my head. That little girl is like the chick in a horror film. The one that lures you in with their crying and then can turn into a rabid beast.
DeleteI'm sure she is sad. I'm sure she hurts. But she hurts for her "big sister" not any sort of genuine relationship with me. And for that, I'm just as much to blame as she is.
But, I'm going to consider your suggestion. <3
Damn it.
ReplyDeleteSigh.
I feel like crying for you Jessie. Like DH, you can't be your sister's white knight. Even if you could do what she wanted you to do, you couldn't save her. You could stretch yourself so thin that there'd be nothing left of you, and it still wouldn't fix her problems.
In that letter DH recently got from his sister, she said she "needed" him. Your sister didn't have to say it outright to let you know that's what she wants too.
I'm just so sorry. So sorry that you didn't get to have a healthy relationship with her, so sorry that she wants to be rescued, that you have to watch her self-destruct and know there is nothing you can do.
DH said when he read his sister's recent letter that he felt like he was reading the words of his twelve year old sister, a girl he barely knew, even then. Even though everything that she has done has been awful and cruel and gut-wrenching and manipulative, he still feels for her.
I don't know what else to say except that I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your pain.
I'm really sad that you have to go through this, the fact that you know she's trying to manipulate you through your compassion doesn't make it any less painful I'm afraid. Makes me sad too that she's stuck in that vortex and there might not be anything you can do to help unless she wants to get out of it herself -like we are doing-. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I just feel like a huge weight is sitting on me.
ReplyDeleteLast night I sent a text that said "I am not mad at you. I need some time to gather my thoughts, as there are things I need to discuss with you. I will contact you then. But I am not, nor have I been, mad at you." Because really I'm not, at least not in the way she's using "mad". As in, I am never going to speak to her again. Have I been angry with her behavior, yes. Angry with the situation, yes. Am I to the cut-you-out-of-my-life angry? Not yet.
She replied today with "I can respect that. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Please give your children a hug from me."
And that just made me feel shittier. I'd like to believe this is a step in the right direction. But I know better. She may be willing to respect me in some ways. But I can't escape the crazy when she spirals out of control. Sigh.
I've been feeling the same as you this week. Pissy. Distant. In a funk even though there is currently no direct narc contact.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part of dealing with narcs is actually coming to terms with yourself, so to speak. There is nothing I can do to get my parents to see where I'm coming from...I'm the one who has to change...Changing away from the people pleasing golden child that I once was to my new found black sheep role - just pisses me off that in order to free myself, I have to become the "bad guy" to people that I worked so hard my entire life to please...it's very freeing to finally do what I want for a change, yet terrifying. I've cried a lot of tears over this one, curled up in a ball on the couch wrapped in a blanket. DH has to remind me a lot that this doesn't make me a bad person. It's not easy.
I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving with your FOC. This was the first holiday in a while where I genuinely had a good time. We hung out with our neighbors and their friends. For the first time I didn't wonder where the narcs were or what they were doing. And still, this morning I found myself feeling guilty for actually having fun and not thinking about or feeling guilty about my parents yesterday (WTF!) I still have a long way to go.
Be gentle on yourself. This is a lot to deal with, and the holidays don't make it any easier. Take time to find things that make you happy. Even if it's little stuff - go out and order your favorite coffee/hot beverage...or watch a funny movie.
Hang in there!
One thing is certain: It isn't easy. It isn't easy realizing you can't help people who refuse to help themselves. It isn't easy accepting responsibility for yourself but not for them when they've taught you that you're responsible for them. It isn't easy accepting that they don't see a problem, so you are being the problem when all you're trying to do is be healthy. It isn't easy that somethings you hoped for are lost and there's nothing you could have done to change it because it was never in your hands to begin with. You earned being tired, so give yourself permission to take better care of yourself in order to shoulder the work you need to do to take care of you. You are worth taking care of.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessie, I'm sorry you had to deal with this. It's so complicated with siblings. I know with my sister I understand too well the pain she had in her childhood, but then at the same time she is so often a little parrot of the arrogance, judgement and criticism that our parents peppered us with. I have read about your sister and understand how complicated it is in your relationship, and am sending positive vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteSick and tired of being sick and tired...I know that tune. Its ok to be tired. Just reading how much emotional junk you encountered in one day makes me feel tired. From what I read you were hit with rejection, rejection, feel the way someone else wants you to feel, one miss but blasted by the other grouch does not sound like a restful Thanksgiving at all. Maybe next year you can plan to go camping somewhere or just turn off the phones with just you FOC. I think you have lived in the emotional pits for so long you are not recognizing how much crap got dumped on you in those conversations you mentioned. Yup, makes total sense to feel tired and sick. Hope you get a break next for a couple of days. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruth. Sometimes I get hard on myself because I get so down about all of this. It's better than it used to be, but it still creeps up on me, especially on days like this.
DeleteHugs. I so understand. Take care.
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