My mother has been sending me lengthy, detailed, but confusing messages about my sister. They are very lengthy. They contain lots and lots of information, but very few things that I can pin down. Most of what she has communicated me has been inconsistent with previous statements. I don't know if she is telling me bullshit, passing on bullshit from my sister, or a combination of both. I suspect it's a combination of both. I still have no actual facts or concrete information to help me draw some conclusions about the real nature of sister's medical condition. Frankly, I've kind of enjoyed being in the dark.
So, on Thursday night, I got a lengthy email detailing a new procedure. Once again, at the end there was a same tag saying she hoped I was doing OK. I've actually been quite sick. Very, very sick. She knew that. Normally, I would've been getting texts and calls to check on me and lots of urgings to go to the doctor. You know, general engulfing behaviors. But nothing this time. I didn't respond to the email.
Yesterday in the late afternoon, she called and didn't leave a message. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't generally rush to return phone calls to people when they don't leave messages. My assumption is that, if you don't leave a message you are calling to bullshit. Or that it wasn't anything. If you want me to call you back, then leave me a message telling me to do so. And I will. But I resent that she assumes that I should call her back just because I see her name on my caller ID. She has complained before that my aunt didn't call her back after calling her several times over two days. I asked if she left a message. She said "NO. But you would assume someone would call you back after several times of seeing you called." All about you much?
Last night, (about three hours later), I got an email that said "I tried to call you today. Is everything OK with you?" I didn't reply right away. Later in the night, I replied back that I was sick, not feeling well, and having been resting and sleeping (I only replied to stop her from escalating in phone calls). I got a message back almost immediately that said she was sorry I was sick, detailed a "crisis" in her life, and then added "hope you feel better at the end". Oh, and she said she thought it was unusually that the virus was lasting so long. With anyone else, I wouldn't think twice about this. But projection is NM's middle name. I've recently suspected that she thinks I lie about things. Recently I watched her testing out something I said by trying to "catch me" by asking my husband questions. And I think she thinks I'm lying about being sick. I kept thinking, why the hell would she think I'm lying? I'm not a liar. Why is she acting like I am? Simple projection. She thinks I'm lying because she does. She creates 'excuses' for things to get out of things. She says she's ill to cover herself. It pisses me off that she would think I'm fabricating illness just to get out of calling her back. But I guess it's par for the course with a narcissist. They naturally assume everyone stoops to the same levels they do. It's not about her perceptions of me, but her perceptions of reality.
Anyway, I haven't heard from her today. But I did get a phone call from my sister. She didn't leave a message. I don't think I'll call her back either.
My thing about people calling and not leaving messages is that "It must not be very important." I even say that of myself whenever I'm calling someone and don't leave a message. I don't want them to call me back badly enough to leave a message -or- what I wanted to say wasn't important enough to leave a message about it. So I'm totally with you on not calling anyone back if they can't be bothered to leave a message. All that says to me is that they're either trying to hook you into calling them without giving away too much (or anything) about what they wanted to say (to keep you off guard) or else they just don't want to put in the effort and want YOU to do all the legwork. (The tracking them down, the asking of questions, the getting to the bottom of things, etc).
ReplyDelete"...I tried to call you today. Is everything OK with you?" AHHHH! I remember NMIL emailing DH once, after she'd had a surgery, wait, let me get the exact quote here: "Is everything alright with you? With Jonsi? I haven’t heard from you and I had my surgery so I was wondering if everything was ok." Like, um. Can you say, the same? It's like they're all reading from the same damn script, I swear.
Really, what your NM was saying was, "How come you didn't answer the phone/ask about me/find out how I'm doing/take care of me?" Maybe she wants to believe that it's just your illness that has kept you from doing those things, instead of you simply not wanting to deal with her bullshit and taking your time in responding until a moment when you feel comfortable. (No, that couldn't possibly be it. Jessie must be so sick, she couldn't get up and answer the phone, or call me back when I blew up her phone a million times).
Beyond that, the suggestion that she has even one ounce of concern for your well being is completely ludicrous. That's not a genuine - gee, hope you're okay! It's more like, "I'll just ask her how she's doing, so that she thinks I give a shit, and then I'll launch right into what's the matter with me so that she is forced to respond."
BULLSHIT. Where's my stamp?
It is bullshit. And I'm so tired of the bait being thrown out in an effort to force me to respond. If she was actually calling to see how I was yesterday, she would've left a message. Or she would start with that instead of tacking it on in the end. It shows me how little she cares and how all the theatrics in times past about how I was where just theatrics. Something to pass the time and not genuine concern.
DeleteI get so tired of the "I whistled and you didn't respond immediately!" mentality. Even if I wasn't sick, she called almost right before dinner time on a Friday night. Why do I have to drop everything all the damn time?! Fact is, I don't. And she can kiss my ass if she doesn't like it.
And thanks for validating my thoughts on not leaving a message. If it's important, someone will leave a message. If they want a return call, they will leave a message. I'm not a damn mind reader. I think she thinks she doesn't OWE me the right of knowing what she is calling for. She is my mother and I should respond immediately just because she is my mother. Screw whatever is going on in my life. It's all about control and power. Why doesn't every damn thing be such a production?
In summation: NM is baiting you; doesn't care about you; is full of theatrics; is disingenuous, and entitled, and seeking power and control at every turn. Oh, and thinks of you as her beck-and-call girl. That just about sums her up pretty nicely, I think.
DeleteWhy does every thing have to be such a production? That's something I keep pondering myself. My first thought is that, of course, blowing things way out of proportion and behaving in a ridiculous manner gets the most amount of attention. My next question, whenever I find myself asking, "Why, with the drama!" is usually what (besides attention, of course) is she really after, and what the fuck else is coming down the pike. Because she isn't done yet. And what really sucks is giving them that inch means they'll next be demanding their mile. It freaking sucks.
You've summed it up perfectly. And there is more to come. There is always more to come.
DeleteI wish it could be normal. Mom calls. I'm busy at the moment, but call back when I can. We enjoy a conversation for a bit (not hours) and move on. No drama, no theatrics, no whining, a little bit of support. Why is it so damn hard for these people?
Yep, your mum is definitively projecting. The Spanish version of the saying "It takes a thief..." goes "A thief thinks everybody else is a thief too".
ReplyDeleteMy mother and brother used to leave ominous messages on my answering machine. In the end I decided to get one of those 1950's retro phones: no answering machine and no ID. It annoys them no end (Including MIL) that now there is no record that they called and therefore no obligation to call them back.
Nmothers are weird with illness, I always get the feeling that it irritates my mother if I'm ill (as if I shouldn't be ill or -like you said- I'm making it up). They'll go on and on about someone else's illness but somehow you're not allowed to be ill yourself. It's very peculiar :P
I sometimes think new technology has been more of a curse than a blessing. Oh, to have those days when long distance calls cost so much money that they happened rarely ;).
DeleteI ended up getting rid of my answering machine because the only messages I ever got were from my mother baiting me into calling her. Every single call I made back turned into the all about mom show, complete with every bit of negative news and gossip she could pull out of her ass. I know my calling her back satisfied her need for attention, and every time I got off the phone with her, I was overwhelmingly depressed. The only power I felt I had over the situation was the power not to answer. Now, when the home phone rings or my cell rings her tone, I'm definitely triggered. Nervous, nauseous.
ReplyDeleteOne of my first indicators something was really wrong with my relationship with my mother was what my DH said about me after I spoke with my mom on the phone. He pointed out that every time I got off the phone with my mom, I was grouchy, depressed, and angry. It NEVER was a pleasant experience. I never felt like she understood me (in fact, she often made me feel worse about things), I always felt drained, and I always felt negative about the world. It really was an eye opening realization for me.
DeleteMy husband told me a similar thing a few years ago -- how it took me 3 weeks to calm down after 5 minutes around my mother.
DeleteI recognize the pattern. I thought for years that my mom's calls for me were about me. Took a bit of distance and years of counseling to learn what you are learning. When I interact with my mother it is not about me. What ever it is, it is always about her needs, her reassurance, her concern. I was hurt at first. Then I finally understood how freeing it was to realize that her mental garbage dumps were not about me. I am not a garbage collector so I put out a no dumping sign. As Jonsi said, they all seem to have the same play book. Take care, Ruth
ReplyDeleteI wonder why that is. Why do they all act like carbon copies of each other? How can they all be so eerily similar?
DeleteRuth, it was also very liberating for me to realize my father's phone calls had nothing to do with me. I used to become anxious and agitated if I saw his number on caller ID, but after this realization I was able to 1) detach 2) share no information about myself on the phone that could be used against me 3) accept no negative information about other people (that was one of the boundaries I imposed - I don't want to hear your complaints about people I know - he was offended and then didn't call me for weeks, and when the silent treatment didn't bring me back into line, things changed).
DeleteWith these changes, our phone calls can now last all of 45 seconds :D "How are you? - Fine. - How are the kids? - Fine. - Are you going away for the weekend? - We'll see." I say the same things even if we all have colds and know for sure we'll be going away for the weekend. If he mentions anyone else he might have a problem with, my reaction is absolute silence. Leave no opening, no vulnerable spot in the fortress.
This worked for me, and now I no longer dread his calls. But he is an ignoring narc at this point. He's not interested in putting me down enough to really push for info or reactions. I've no idea what would work with your mom, Jessie. If you just flat-out refused to take part in any drama whatsoever, in anything that makes you uncomfortable, would this instantly mean no communication at all?
First time I read upsi's blog she received an email from her mother that I had almost the identical letter in my email from my mother. It was down right spooky. Then it was validating to understand it really isn't me. Hugs.
DeleteSeems like they're putting on a big drama play and they need an audience, which is you? I hate this kind of b.s.
ReplyDeleteQ's Sis