NM's Boundary Violations

My mother has problems with boundries.  When I was a kid, I thought this was normal.  She never respected my privacy.  She never granted me dignity.  She picked out all of the clothes we bought.  Every special occasion, she picked out the outfit.  She would pick my hairstyles (usually what was "easiest") for her.  She had to know everything.  When I got my first kiss, she demanded to know about it immediately.  Didn't ask.  Demanded.  The irony is that she hates snopey people.   She always thinks people are spying on her.  She won't befriend any of my step-siblings on face book because she thinks they'll be nosy.  And what if they are?  It's not like her life is that interesting.  She's snooped through check books and bank accounts.  She is a signer on my checking account (has been since I was a kid) and I'm sure she "checks up".  She's gone through my sisters things.  She's gone through my son's closet, just to "see what clothes he needed".  Sure.  She was snooping to see if I'd kept all the preppy crap she bought him.  All the uncomfortable "cute" clothes she bought.    When I had some complications after my first c-section (very personal, bodily function complications) she announced them to all my relatives.  I was mortified.  When I told her that my MIL informed me about some very private experiences at my SIL's delivery, she said "So?  She has a right to tell her experiences.  She has a right to tell her experience of the situation".  Um, no, she didn't.   I felt my MIL was privileged to be included, and as such should respect my SIL's privacy.
My husband is certain Hilda snoops through our things.  She stalks me on facebook.  I resisted this for so long. I wanted a space that was mine.  But she guilted me into being her friend.  She watches (and comments on) all my posts.  When my son was born, she would wander into our bedroom in the morning.  We are not that kind of family.  I would have been chastised if I'd walked into her bedroom while my step dad was still in bed.  She follows me around my house when I try to step away for moments of privacy with my husband or sons.  I've actually had to shut the door in her face.  My mother demands to know exactly where on the road we are when we travel to her home.  She expects hourly updates.  But she never will let me know even an approximation of when she will arrive at mine.  She delights in "surprising" me.  She presses me for information on my sister and my dad.  And my paternal grandmother, whom she claims she loves even though my grandmother can't stand her for what she did to my dad. She "overhears" my conversations with my husband.  And if we are ever talking at some distance from her, even if it has nothing to do with her, she barks "what? what's going on?".  She never knows when to excuse herself or just plain butt out.

When we built our new home, I purposely designed no windows near the entrance.  I hated that she would knock on the door and then peer through our living room window to see if we were coming.  (My MIL does this too, but it's more like this excited, yappy puppy who bounces from the door to the window.  This also annoyed me).  Well, the last two times, my mother has gone through our fence, walked around back and pressed her face up against our living room window.  The last time this happened I was nursing my son, and thinking I had privacy, was doing this uncovered.  Any other time, I would have been admonished by mom  for the impropriety of nursing in front of my step-dad (and in fact, I know she's complained to my sister how I just 'whip my boob out' in front of her).  My mother found it humorous this time.  I jumped up and ran from the room with my son.  Half embarrassed, half angry and I needed time to calm down.  My mother followed me into my bedroom.  Opened the door and walked right in.  And then acted so hurt when I shooed her from the room.

She feels the need to give her approval on everything.  As another blogger I read said, she can't just walk into a room, notice something new and say "oh, that's nice!"  She has to pause, screw up her face, and then deem it acceptable. I often find her staring around my house, taking notes.   When I got married, I asked her if my makeup looked OK.  She instantly busied herself  fixing, or adding to, or really I don't know what the hell she did.  She just made it look like she was doing something.  And for the record, I do my own makeup perfectly well.  I have a picture of this moment.  I've always hated the scrunched up look on her face as she "fixes" me. I've seen this look a lot.  She's looking down her scrunched up nose as if she smells something foul.   She constantly acts as if she is my sons' parent more than my husband.  She is jealous of him and says so.  She says it isn't fair that my sons' get so excited to see him.  She makes attempts to jump in and discipline over the top of me.  She tries to finish my sentences.  She always makes a big point of saying "we" to my husband when describing how she and I and my kids spent the day.  As if she and I were a team, when in reality I did most of the work, and she just made herself feel important.  She takes credit for my ideas.  When my oldest son was little and he would cry, she would refuse to give him to me.  She would actually walk away from me and turn her back.  He'd be crying and reaching for me and I'd have to wrestle him away.

My absolute favorite though is that she refers to me as "Little Hilda".  Oh, your just a little me.  Hank says your just like me.  You do everything how I do.  Like hell I am.  And I'll fight until my dying day to be myself.  I'm nobody's mini-me.