Fear, Legacy, and Smoke and Mirrors

This process has been hard for me.  That sounds so silly.  How does writing anonymous posts that no one I actually know cause harm?  Why is it so hard and scary?  But I've read some other blogs and some of the comments on my posts, and to say I'm floored, is putting it mildly. They have taken the wind out of me and caused things to bubble up in me that have been long repressed.   I'm often surprised at how many people have similar stories.  Things that have hurt my feelings and made me feel badly have happened to others.  And to realize that they are NOT normal things is a bit shocking. To see that yes, these things were very harmful and could screw up your life and you are not overreacting, or too sensitive, or too dramatic.  To see that others actually think my mom is a crazy person too.

I don't know how I even stumbled on the fact that she was a narcissist.  I just remember reading a list to my husband and asking him if it sounded like Hilda.  Yes, it does he said.  Before, I thought that she and I were mutually responsible for our problems.  I knew she was a nut job, but I didn't realize how far gone she was.

Life seemed to be a house of smoke and mirrors. I never knew (and still often don't) what the truth is, where my feelings have validity.  What is me and what is just a reflection of me that my mother created.  It's hard when I leave the little safety of this blog and look at it all in the harsh light of reality.  I doubt myself.  I wonder if I'm just oversensitive. Should I just let it go; we all have difficult mothers sometimes.   It's been so hard to explain to people.  I don't tell people many things.  My husband sees it, but even he, who is so supportive, sometimes seems to dilute the validity of my feelings.  Yes, that was fucked up, but she meant well.  Yes, she shouldn't have said that, but she just is a sad person.  I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you.  When I had my son, my mother-daughter conflict was highlighted a bit to some friends.  They would be sympathetic but they never could fully understand the depth of it.  She never beat me, or really verbally assaulted me.  She isn't an alcoholic or a drug addict.  There was never anything I could specifically point to.  And then I stumbled on it today.  She's like Chinese Water torture.  Drop by drop she has driven me crazy.  Not one thing has ever been that bad. Yes, much of it is in the past.  But that's the thing.  It's been the slow drip of incident upon incident that has driven me crazy.  Those past moments were intensified and stacked upon.  Each new hurt amplified the one before because it reminded me that she was never sorry for any of it, and would continue to do it.

I don't trust her.  I never underestimate that she'll throw me under the bus.  She's done it before.  She's sacrificed me for her own selfish needs.  And then she comes back expecting me to be grateful.  To act like she's been the best mom in the world.  To thank her for all that she's done for me.  To need her. Everyone makes mistakes.

  I can't even tell her anything any more.  If I do, it always ends up one of two ways.  She either uses it against me or she uses it to make herself look better.  "Well, what did I do when I was a young mom..."  I never asked for her opinion.  I don't want her advice.  She feels such an overwhelming need to be the "wise" mother.    Or she will imply that I am weak.  She took care of two kids and didn't complain.  You just do it, Jessie.  Everyone does it.  You're being a mother isn't so special and you shouldn't complain so much.  Not that I'm always complaining.  But sometimes being a mom  is hard, or I've had a bad day, or no sleep for weeks.  What do other mothers say to their daughters in these situations I wonder?  Am I just a big baby?

I've often looked at myself and wondered how I got to be who I am.  I have a lot of flaws.  I am overly anxious.  I get stressed easily.  I have an overwhelming desire to be perfect.  I am extremely guarded.  I never like to let people see how I'm feeling, as I am afraid it will make me vulnerable.  I will be open to attack.  I'm good at being composed.   I struggle to set boundaries.  I feel endlessly guilty if I stand up for myself.  I take ownership for other people's feelings.  I worry and stress so much about how what I say or do will be perceived by others.  I'm so afraid of abandonment and being alone that I wall myself off before I can get close.  I don't trust in myself that I'll have the strength to pick myself back up.  I don't really trust anyone.  As a mom, I constantly struggle with the right thing to do.  Am I being too overprotective?  Is this about my feelings or am I just doing what a good mom would to protect her child?  Am I too harsh or insensitive?  Do I make my kids feel important and special?  Am I doing what is best for them?  I have no gauge for what "normal" is.

And the thing that worries me most is fearing that I'll be just like her.  She often implies that now I'll know how she has felt.  Now I'll know what it's like to raise ungrateful brats who throw you to the wind.  She's recently been snipping about how she's been telling people how difficult teenage daughters can be.  I wonder how the hell she would know.  She wasn't there for most of my teenage years.  And by most accounts, I was a good, responsible kid.  But  I hear her voice in my head.  Be careful, Jessie, pay backs a bitch.  If you treat your own mom horrible, some day karma will bite you and you'll get treated horribly by your own kids.  It's a fine line between being honorable and respectful of her (as I don't want to stoop to her level) and protecting myself.