My Baby

My NM (narcissistic mother) told me for many years that she didn't want to become a grandmother yet.  She was too young.  As a side note, she had a similar reaction when I called to tell her I was engaged.  I was so excited to call and tell her I was getting married.  "What?!  I can't deal with this.  I've been so stressed that I will be turning 50 next year.  I can't deal with this.  Talk to your step-dad."  And she got off the phone.  When she finally did get back on to talk to me, she clearly wasn't happy about it.
But back to the point.  One day, she declared she was ready to be a grandmother.  This didn't influence me, as I was already planning on having a baby.  Before my son was born and during the first year, she spent thousands of dollars on stuff.  Junk mainly.  And I was never grateful enough.  My father and she had been young and had less money when I was born.  I'm sure she felt, in fact I know she felt, she was a great savior.  That she was providing for us all that she had to do without.  Never mind that I didn't want, or like, most of what she bought.  Or that my husband and I were perfectly capable of providing for my son.
When Jake was born, she became obsessed.  "Obsessed" was my step-father's word.  And she was.  He consumed all of her thoughts and mind.  She completely ignored me when around him.  In the middle of a sentence, she would interrupt and start talking to the baby.  She would just stare at him as he ate, ignoring her own meal.  In fact, she stared at him all the time.  She was obsessed too with being the "favorite" grandparent.  She told me repeatedly that she would be closest to my son, as I parented so much like her, and we sounded so much alike.  It was weird.

But it got weirder.  She would often refer to herself as "mom".  A typical slip up.  But she would refer to me as "grandma".  Not a slip up.  She started to try and isolate my son from his father.  If she was holding him, she'd say "Tell daddy no!  No daddy" when Paul tried to take the baby.  She'd do this when my husband would give an instruction about my baby.  I would always stop her, but she acted as if it was a game.  Like she was being funny.  She bought my son TONS of toys.  She never went anywhere without buying him tons of crap.  She waltzed in one time with my (then two) son's first big boy bike.  He couldn't even ride a tricycle at the time.  I was saddened.  I had wanted to get my son his first bike.  I had wanted my SON to pick it out.  I had wanted to make it a special event for my son, when he was ready.  She stole many such moments.  She had to pick out the first Christmas outfit.  She bought him a Christmas stocking.  None of these things  would have been such a big deal on their own.  And in fact, in trying to explain why it bothered me so badly, I just sounded superficial and controlling.  But if felt like she was trying to have him be HER son.  Like she was purposely imposing on every big moment.

She told me a story once about a man she met on the plane.  He had told her that if she fed the baby when he was very little, it would bond them forever.  She brought this up many times.  Unfortunately for her, I breastfed exclusively.  And my son refused bottles.  This annoyed her so much.  She would take every opportunity to rush in a head of me and meet his needs.  She never noticed these needs, but noticed me about to meet them, and she would snatch whatever it was from me.  The only thing she wouldn't do (or at least often) is change diapers.  She hated this.

When my son began to grow up and get ideas of his own, things started to change.  It got worse when my second son was born.  These are the incidents that really stick out in my mind about this time:

*My husband, son, NM, and I were having dinner.  Jake was just under 3.  He wanted so desperately to be a big boy and join in the "conversation" at the dinner table.  He was telling a somewhat involved story and he was laboring a bit over the sentence structures.  Paul and I found it endearing and adorable.  He'd been going on for about five minutes when, apparently, she became bored.  She interrupted him and started telling her own story.  Hubby and I were used to her doing this to us, but it shocked me she would do it to him.
*My husband and step-father would spend a lot of time together.  When they would come home, before they even hung up their coats she would be at them.  "Jake, show them what grandma taught you".  And then she'd make him perform like a circus seal all the tricks she'd taught him.  She didn't encourage him, she out and out told him what to say and do.  I told her to knock it off once. "What?  I'm just proud of him.  I want them to see what he can do".  I felt so helpless.
*When Caleb was born, Jake was understandably shaken up.  I was gone for 5 days in the hospital and life was chaotic.  He was also under NM's care alot.  By the end, he was tired, cranky, and just off.  I felt so badly for him and said as such to my mom.  "He needs some attention," I said.  "He's gotten enough attention!  I've given him plenty of attention."  Well, he needed his MOM's attention.  She was not a substitute for me and it annoyed me she thought she was.  He was scared and jealous.  All understandably so.  And she had absolutely no empathy.
*While she was here during my son's birth, I made some plans for special outings for fun, as I knew I wouldn't be able to do a lot with Jake once she left (surgery and all).  NM made it clear she thought this was a bit ridiculous of me (catering to my child), but went along.  Most of the time she was "exhausted" and grouchy by the time we came home, even though she did little of the actual work.  It was clear going to the playground and such were not want SHE wanted to do.  When we got home one day, I was unpacking the car and Jake wanted to ride his tricycle.  I asked her to take him around the block and let him play for a few minutes.  Within about five minutes, Jake was running through the door crying.  What happened? I asked.  She said simple "He didn't want to get off his bike." and she smirked.  This incident haunts me.  I still have no idea what happened.  And even the fact that she could only spare five minutes bothers me.  Five minutes was it because she was "old" and "tired".  For her precious grandson who had been her obsession for so long.
*We were talking about my son starting preschool.  He was SO excited and we were talking it up.  "Oh, Jake, I can't believe you're going to preschool" she said.  "That makes grandma SOOO sad!".  "MOM!" I chastised.  "Why would you say that?  You'll confuse him.  This is a good thing.  He won't understand why it would make YOU sad".  Again with the smirk.  And nothing else.  But at least she shut up.
*She bought a train table for my son's 2nd birthday.  One that I had to put together, I might add, because she "wouldn't have time" when she arrived.  We had just moved and I had a million other things to do, but I dutifully put it together.  More for him than her, but still.  A year later, she was at our house and he hadn't been playing with it all that much.  "Why don't you play with that table I bought you?"  She pestered him about it over and over.  Because he's 3.  Because he has other things to play.  Because he has a mind of his frickin' own lady!  Leave him be.
*I asked her to help my son with a puzzle.  My son became distracted by a cartoon for a moment.  She literally ripped the puzzle piece from his hand because she knew where it went.  She then finished the puzzle by herself.  A CHILD'S 60 piece jigsaw puzzle by herself.  And she was so smug and proud when she did.  She seemed so childish and immature.

She makes me nervous.  I don't trust her.  Everyone says she's the doting grandma.  She says all the right things.  I always wonder how much I'm seeing through the lens of my own feelings about my childhood.  She sure as hell never treated me like she does him.  But everyone says she's just excited or just loves him so much.  They all act like it's normal.  Just another thing that makes me feel off balance.  Another way I don't trust myself to perceive reality.