Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I am "The Mom": NM's views on entitlement
This is one of my mom's favorite phrases. As if it justifies all her feelings of entitlement. And she says it in the same way someone would say "The Queen", as in "The Queen has arrived." She's often berated me with this phrase. I am "The Mom", you should respect me. You should follow my advice, directive, whims, as I am "The Mom". If my husband should dare not concede to her every command, she gets angry, stating she is "The Mom" and, I assume, should be in control. When I had my second son, we asked her to watch my oldest son. I thought she would be proud of this. I don't let people watch my son often, and I thought she'd take pride that I wanted her with my son as this special time. Nope. She decided she wanted to be in the operating room. "Tell MIL she can come babysit. I want to be at the hospital." She would NEVER have suggested someone else watch her beloved grandson at any other time. I explained that you are only allowed on extra person in the room. "OH, they will let ME in. I am The Mom!!" She professed. Wow, I thought at the birth of my son, I would be known as "the mom". It never occurred to her that having her watch my son would make me the most comfortable at a stressful time. She never even asked if I wanted her there. That's what she wanted, so that's what she demanded. Luckily, it didn't happen.
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That's sickening!
ReplyDeleteMy father is the same way. I should honor thy father and thy mother. He follows his religion and uses it to excuse his behavior. He's also said that he deserves respect simply becuase he is older. Not earning respect...deserving it.
Two vastly different concepts.
Yes, and she loves to be a horrible person to people and then brush it away with "well, I'm the mom (or grandma or MIL) and you have to respect me." Total power struggle.
DeleteEew - and how about the fact that she's expecting you to remain loyal to her and to her way of thinking, even though you've got your own family to attend to now. Her being "the mom" means she sees you as being nothing, and your husband as being less-than-nothing.
Delete"If my husband should dare not concede to her every command, she gets angry, stating she is "The Mom" and, I assume, should be in control." I'd be thinking, "Fuck you, bitch. You're sure as hell not MY mom." Unfortunately, from what I'm reading so far, his mom isn't much better, right?
No, his mom is not much better...which brings me to a thought I hadn't had before. I always wondered how he could brush it all off so much. He's only gotten really angry with her once. Other than that he just shrugs and walks away. I think now that this is probably because HIS mom conditioned him for this. He can be very withdrawn and reserved in his emotions. I hate to admit this, but I've actually had to REALLY poke at him at times to get him to react emotionally (not that I do this often, but there have been some really bad moments with our families and he just would shut off. It took a lot of prying for me to get out how he really felt.) It's not that I want to hurt him, just not close down and withdraw. He is loving and supportive, especially with our kids. He is generous and fun loving. But when it comes to conflict, he just retreats stoically. I believe that his mom never allowed him to have any feelings of dissension, hurt, or anger. He has talked a lot about perfectionism as a teen, bouts of anger when he wasn't perfect, and pushing his mom away when she tried to "console" him. All very interesting when I think about it....Thanks for the insight.
DeleteAnd yes, my mom (and NMIL) are big on hierarchy. Everyone has a place. NM sees the family as a pyramid, with herself perched on top. She has complete control, can see everything, all while being supported solely by those "beneath" her. At least that's her vision. I've often compared NMIL (even before I knew about narcs) as think she was the hub of a wheel and we are all spokes. She decides when, how, and how quickly we all move and we are all tied together through her.
Whoa. I think we might be married to the same man. "He's only gotten really angry with her once. Other than that he just shrugs and walks away. I think now that this is probably because HIS mom conditioned him for this." Sadly, I know all about this. I agree with you, I think they've been "groomed" (much like a child by a pedophile) to shut down the anger and even sadness and tuck it far, far away, so that mommy-dearest never gets attacked for what she's doing.
DeleteSame here, only I am the one that would shut down in conflict situations. Interestingly enough we did discover by accident that I could interact with his mother without all the drama and my husband could cope with my mother, she did anything he asked. So we made a pact and helped each other out with the drama from our respective parents. Interesting way to bond a couple. :)
ReplyDeleteWell, that is fortunate for you! I wish that I could deal with one or the other of our moms. I wish that that BOTH weren't so damned difficult.
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