My Mother-in-Law

My relationship with my mother has colored every other relationship in my life.  It seems that she has fitted me with glasses, forcing me to see thing through her lens.  And as I break free, I'm often unsure if I'm seeing someone for who they are, or through the narcissistic lens.

One such relationship is with my mother-in-law, June.  June and I have never been particularly close.  She and I  are very different people.  She is loud and boisterous and hyper.  She often does not see others or  notice the effect she has on others around her.  She lacks self-awareness and is often unable to predict the consequences of her actions.  She is unable to step outside of herself and view things as others do, especially as others might perceive her.  She is blunt and speaks before she thinks.  She is controlling, manipulative, passive-agressive, and critical.  She tends to live in extremes.  Often things are labeled as "the best", and she seems to be very black and white in her thinking.  One thing is the best, and others line up in descending order.

Now, in looking at this description, it seems she has a lot of narcissistic characteristics.  And in fact, she and my mother's behaviors often feel the same to me.  The difference is that I don't believe her to be acting from the same place.  I don't see her as a person who is controlling others to boost herself or in a need to be the most powerful.  She is generous and I truly believe she wants what is best for her children and those around her.  She just spends so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy, that she often ends up making everyone unhappy.  I believe she has ADHD (and I don't throw these terms around, I actually have lots of experience in diagnostics for mental disorders).  I believe this is the root of a lot of her behaviors.  Regardless, though, the effect she has on me is very similar to the effect my mother has on me.

Here are some of the things she has done to drive me crazy:

*She often "teases" people but I find it to be mean.  When my husband graduated from college, the family had a big party.  Probably 45 people were there.  I overhead laughing at the next table.  When I asked what they were laughing at (quite loudly) no one responded.  Finally, when pressed, my MIL said "well, I was saying that I read an article about how laughing can increase your breast size and I said you must not laugh very much!" She cackled, everyone cackled, and I felt so embarrassed.  She will poke fun of people's weights or appearance.
*She struggles with boundries.  She's always standing too close or listening in on a conversation I'm having with someone else.  She's walked in on me changing twice (and she's only had the opportunity to do this about half a dozen times, so proportion wise, it's a lot).  I've purposely moved away from her as she sat too close to me.  She then followed me and actually pursued me around the room.  She asks very personal questions.  Her first question to me when she came to meet her grandson was if my nipples hurt.  Her FIRST question.
*She's pushy.  If she doesn't like my response to something, she'll keep asking.  Lots of times she'll just ignore me and do what she wanted to do anyway.  She harassed me for years about having grandkids.  I told her repeatedly that her son and I weren't ready, we needed to be more secure financially, but she pushed and pushed because all her "friends had grandkids".   She pushed us to get married.  She often pushes us to do things like she did (get married in the same month, live in a neighborhood like hers, relive my husband's childhood through my kids' childhoods.
*She can be rude.  She notices imperfections in my home keeping (I'm actually a very clean, organized person) but she'll point out the smallest thing.  She has told me my son has my "wide forehead".  She also told me that my son "unfortunately, has the Stewart (hubby's paternal side) nose.  None of MY boys has that nose, but I think your son will".  This blew me away.  Not only did she insult my son and her husband's family but then managed to boost herself up at the same time.  Not to mention that my son DOESN'T have that nose and that two of her son's DO.  I always feel like I'm under a microscope when she visits.  She always says "oh, you don't have to clean for us".  But she notices if we don't.  And she is not an overly clean person.  In fact, very cluttered and disorganized.  She has told my Sister-in-law she is getting fat ( while most of her family is overweight).  She often makes fun of people's appearances.
*She is very complimentary.  Often I believe her. But she seems to be complimenting me to try and gain my favor.  And she copies the thing that she complimented me on and then claims it for her own.  Sometimes though she is jealous.  I make a really good lasagna that she had heard about.  I finally made it for her.  She said "You do make a really good lasagna.  But I make really good spaghetti."  What kind of compliment is that?  It is typical for her to compliment herself, especially when it is something she really shouldn't take credit for.
*She likes to have her thumb on her kids.  She used to be worse and has gotten better.  But she tends to think of everyone as one big family unit still.  She expects the more fortunate kids to help out the less fortunate (weather it be with money, time, etc.).  She almost acts like everything is community property.  She often has "family vacations" planned that are manditory.  My husband and I always are required to pay our share.  Rarely do the other family members pay.  What irks me especially about this is that hubby and I are fortunate because we budget and work hard.  Other family members are spenders and don't work.  Why should we have to work hard so that others can benefit?  She tries to control relationships between family members by getting involved in things that don't involve her.  She will sacrifice someone's feelings to keep the peace (or the peace in her mind) with another.   She often likes to sweep things under the table instead of dealing with them and expects everyone else to do the same.  She used to (but less so now with my husband) use one child to convince another one of her children to do something she wanted.  "Why don't you tell them..." so that it would seem her idea came from someone else.  I've often felt bullied by her to do what she wanted.  It used to be that she would tell me that God had sent her special messages for me.  That God had told her I needed something or another to be told to me.  She also prays a lot that people will do what she wants them to do.  She sees nothing wrong with this.  She'll take from one person and give it to another, disrespecting someone's individual needs.  I've seen her take food off one grandkid's plate and give it to another because the second child finished first.  Doesn't matter if the first kid isn't finished yet or how that child feels about it.  This drives me insane.  All my in-laws have helped themselves to food off my plate without asking (after they've snarfed down their food.  I eat slower.  I always go away from family meals hungry)
*She is inconsiderate.  Actually, both of my in-laws are.  They like to drop by unannounced.  At dinner time or nap time.  They expect us to accommodate their schedule (and the schedule of Brother and Sister-in-law).  She shows up late for birthday parties.  When she comes in she makes a big scene about arriving, grabs all the kids and then hogs them the rest of the day.  She has exposed my kids to illness because she wanted to see them.  This is sneaky because she knows we would tell them not to visit if we knew they were sick.  So, she tells us after they have been here for awhile.  They often announce their plans instead of asking to see what works for us.  They never call us ahead of time, even when they know full well they will plan on stopping.  I feel like they bulldoze me.
*She makes me feel like a snob.  I am not.  I just grew up with some rules of decorum.  I try to be respectful of others.  And I am raising my children that way.  She will tell her sons "Don't do that, Jessie doesn't like it" as they put back food from their plate into the main dish if they don't like it.  It makes me feel small and stupid.
*She has first tier and second tier family members.  Her sons, her, and her husband are first tier.  She has ornaments with names on them on her Christmas tree.  First tier people got big ornaments.  Second tier people (me and my sister-in-laws) and the dog got much smaller ornaments.  She gives much more expensive gifts to her sons.  She makes sure that all of her sons favorite meals are at holiday gatherings, but ridiculed my SIL for wanting something special.  She picks out special gifts for her sons, but has a "rote" gift she gives me and my SIL.  She gives us the same thing every year and the same thing to both of us even though we have different taste.  I understand her sons are her actual children and I expect some favoritism.  And it's not about the gifts or money.  It's about the blatant display of separation between us.
*She is gossipy.  She'll tell me things that she thinks my SIL and BIL are doing wrong with their kids but acts like it's out of  her concern for them.  But she doesn't mention it to them because she doesn't want to interfere and be "that MIL".  I don't trust her with anything because she tells everyone everything.  She doesn't respect privacy.  She accidentally sent pictures of my SIL's exposed body after delivery of her baby to her husband's boss.  And thought it was funny.  I can only imagine what "concerns" she expresses to my SIL about me.
*One of the biggest bones of contention is that I'm allergic to her dog.  When BIL and SIL could no longer keep their dog, she took it, knowing full well that I was allergic.  Now, she has every right to have a dog and I would never begrudge her it.  But it makes it difficult to go to her house.  For years, I was made to feel like my life-threatening allergy was a nuisance, like she had to go to all this extra work to accommodate me.   She has never once asked me about my asthma or allergies or how she can make it easier on me, but often comes to me with "cures".  I spent years and money on medications, shots, and every thing I could to stop it.  Nothing worked.  She now lets the family's 6 dogs come to her house on holidays, and then acts hurt that we don't go.  I know there has been rumbling behind my back that I can't attend.  When I would go they would put the dog in a back room.  The dog would shortly be back out because the dog was whining and felt "left out".   The dog always laid at my feet but no one moved it.  There was one wooden chair in the house I could sit in because they others were covered in hair and dander.    Finally, when I got pregnant, I decided enough was enough.  I couldn't go because I refused to put myself or my baby's health at risk to appease someone.  The kicker was when she told me she'd never get a cat because my BIL and SIL are allergic and they "would kill" her.  It makes it hard on hubby because we often can't go to his home town to visit.  Or we have to spend lots of money to visit.  And then we can't go to his parents house for more than a few hours.  He totally supports me, but it sucks for him.
*She pushed me to be friends.  But it came from a "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" stance.  She always told me that she didn't want to be "that MIL" because she didn't want to loose her sons.  But in doing so, she's pushed me away.  She tried to force a relationship and friendship but didn't want to let it develop and blossom over time.  She seemed anxious and panicked about getting me into the fold, so to speak.  She wasn't interested in finding a mutual satisfying relationship.  It was all about meeting her needs and she either ignored or plain bowled over anything I felt.  Most of her behaviors towards me feel phony.

So, I'm stuck with this woman and feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.  I always feel like something is wrong with me as I've struggled with both the "mothers" in my life so much. Is it just me?   How much of what I feel is tainted by my relationship with MY mom.  How much is she really overbearing, pushy, and just plain socially inept?  And how to I resolve my feelings with her?  For years, I spent trying to do what I could to make it work.  I never rocked the boat.  I never stood up to her.  I never laid down boundries.  And now things are out of control.   There is so many things simmering.  And, now, when I do say something, she becomes huffy and offended.   Often she is so defensive that the point is lost.  I never learned to speak frankly with my own mother (in fact, was discouraged to do so) and now I don't know what to do in this situation.  Where is the line between a boundary and being rude?