Sometimes I feel, well a lot of the time I feel, so alone in all this. Wearing this mask that everyone wants me to have is exhausting. People just don't understand. They can never fully understand as it's such a subversive, misty, blurry experience. And even when I try to explain, I can see the person start to fold under the weight of it all. I can see them avert their eyes, or dismiss the truth.
They can never see how much these experiences colored everything in my life. Sure, I wouldn't be the person I am without these experiences. Odds are, I never would've met my husband or had my kids if mother hadn't made some of the choices she made. Yes, there were positive outcomes. But the loneliness, the isolation, the difficulty trusting anyone consume me at times. I have no idea who I really am. There is no internal compass to help direct me in my life. I'm a ship lost at sea. And even if I knew my way, I have no port to call home.
I often feel as an outcast. A black sheep. A trouble maker. Hard, cold, overly sensitive. People have used these words to describe me. Am I really that person? Sometimes I feel like Frankenstein's monster. A patch worked together creation of others. A freak in the eyes of most. Just so, so isolated.
I just found your blog on another blog and read the whole thing! I'm struggling with the legacy of my Nmother who died last year. You're so wise to deal with this Now, to resolve these issues while your children are young, to learn how to define who you are while you're young - hurrah for you! In my reading, I've come across the word "empath" - it sounds ever so much better than "overly sensitive"' which I've been accused of my whole life - so I've decided to use "empath" instead!
ReplyDeleteThanks Toto! I too hate "overly sensitive". Lots of times I feel being sensitive is a good thing. And often, I find that those who call me "overly sensitive" are "under sensitive". So, I'm trying to stand in who I am and find the positives. Now, as for being young and wise. Well, sometimes I feel so old. Like I've lived lifetimes already! But glad to know you are out there listening.
ReplyDeleteTHat's so true about the 'sensitive' label. I blog on DS (Daily Strength). All my stuff is on there. Narc dad and goldenchild Narc bro and (I think) borderline mum.It's a good site come and see. Just friend request me and I'll add you.x
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