Gifts and Parties: How NM uses special occasions to wield power

I have so many stories to share from my past.  Stories that may be boring or redundant for others to hear, but I need to tell.  I have to share some of the current episodes too.  So, forgive my seesawing back and forth.

After Christmas is usually a recharging period for me.  It's easy for me to hide and not face the many family obligations of the holiday season.  To decompress.  I haven't talked to my sister since Christmas, except once on Easter.  She has another (her third in a year) new job and a boyfriend.  And life is complicated for her.  I guess.  I have emailed, texted, facebooked.  She stated she misses me.  But I haven't heard from her.  My Dad just informed me that he has been depressed and antisocial (not unusual for him).  So, I've barely talked to him either.  My kids have been sick.  Really sick.  I was in the doctor's office or ER with one or the other for five weeks straight.  Not a horrible situation, but stressful and exhausting.  My mom has been baiting me.  She sends texts or emails that require responses.  And then when I respond,  I'm swallowed by texts, emails, messages.  I used the kids being sick to hide out a bit.  She always tells me that she is so "worried" about the kids.  She demands that I text her in the morning to let her know how the kids are.  I hate this, because it informs her that I am near my phone.  Usually, she calls immediately.  But lately, the replies I've gotten are three paragraphs about her ailments.  She has skin cancer, a bad rash, back problems.  And then one line asking how the kids are.  There are no lines asking how I am.  One email had the title "biopsy".  I almost deleted it on the spot.  I also receive emails detailing how my aunt is so sick, and my grandfather was almost admitted to the hospital.  I never know how true these emails are as everyone is always dying.  And how much is for dramatic effect.  There is also the endless complaints about my step-family.  Yeah, that same step-family she dumped us for.  They now annoy her to no end.   If I agree with her though she turns it on me, acting as if I'm being judgemental or harsh.  "Well, you know Jessie, being a new parent is tough" she counters when I agreed with her assessment of my step-brother.  No shit.  I'm also a new parent.  I've never heard you say that to me.

Anyway, my son's 1st birthday is approaching.  She used this to start a new onslaught of emails.  She loves to give gifts.  Love to be admired for it.  Loves to complain that no one appreciates all  that she does for us.  She once admonished my three year old for not playing with the train table she bought him enough.  She had bought it a year prior.  And he plays with it all the time but not enough for her.  Each time a gift giving occasion comes, she works herself into a tizzy to get the perfect (read: most expensive, most admirable) gift.  Now a little background.  My sons have three sets of grandparents who all ask me for ideas, as do the aunts and uncles.  I also have to reserve some ideas for his dad and I.   I've suggested college fund money, but no one likes that idea.  So, I'm forced to come up with a list, divvy it out so no one duplicates (because that would piss everyone off), and hope that I'm not offending with what I ask for.  Plus, I really try to suggest things that my son actually wants, instead of random crap that I pack away into boxes.  He doesn't ask for much, so I want him to get the things he does ask for.  This year my mom asked for ideas.  I told her I'd work on it, but it'd help to give me a price range.  She replied "oh, just give me lots of ideas then I'll pick what I want and can spend (she's always "broke" but actually far from it)".  I explained that I have lots of people to suggest ideas for and that she can really help me out if she gives me some guidelines.  She retorts back that "Well, I was just trying to get something you don't already have.  But I'll just come up with my own stuff."  Why does this have to be so difficult?  Why does this piss her off?  So, I write up a wish list and give her some additional ideas.  She hems and haws between them.  I tell her to let me know what she chooses and I'll let MIL have the other ideas.  I haven't heard from her since (a week ago).

And I feel horrible enough as I just dread the event.  I want so desperately to make it a special day for my son.  I want to celebrate him.  But my family makes it so difficult.  My mother will be smug and smirk in the corner and observe everyone.  She will be stand offish and try and put people in their place.  The last two birthday parties she felt the need to suggest I rearrange the table.  "Why?" I asked.  "Oh, I don't know, I just thought it would look better this way."  She has no reasoning.  She just has to put her stamp on things.  Suggest she knows better.  I will hand out responsibilities to my mom and MIL.  Neither will like her assigned job and will be jealous of the other.  They will fight over my son.  My in-laws are not much better.  They always show up late.  And then they make a huge production of themselves.  Gathering the grandkids and sequestering them for themselves.  They are loud and overbearing and showy.  The hog the kids and don't let anyone else see them.  When Jake, my oldest turned one, they showed up a half hour late.  They then spent an hour putting together the wagon they bought in the living room away from the party (because god forbid my one year old see it first).  They missed most of the party and then trotted out the wagon gloating about what a wonderful gift it was.  Look how much he likes it! they crowed.  Never mind that I had picked out the gift.  They had nothing to do with it except paying for it.  But I didn't care, I just wanted my son to have it.  It just annoyed me so much that they made such a big deal out of it (partly because I could feel my mother seething in the corner and partly because I just felt it was rude).  I feel SOOO guilty.  I need to suck it up for my son, but I just dread it all so much.  And they all wonder why I get so "stressed out".  Poor neurotic, anxious Jessie they'll think.