Hilda, my narcissistic mother

My mother had a difficult childhood.  A very difficult childhood as far as I can tell.  She had an alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.  She took on a lot of responsibility.  She is very responsible.  But she is also childish and immature.  My father thought she had multiple personalities, he once told me.  She seemed to change to him.  She has no friends.  She is lonely.

She holds grudges.  One time in college she pressed me for days about how I had slept when I came home.  How my room was.  I always said it was fine.  I think she wanted me to say how wonderful it was to be home. How relaxed and happy I was to be "home".  But this wasn't my home.  This was her home with my step-father.  Finally, I admitted that the bed was hard.  It was hard and my legs would go to sleep from it.  Years later, she came to stay in my home.  I asked her how she slept.  Guess what?  The bed was hard.  This bed had a feather tick mattress topper.  I had slept in the bed.  It was not hard.  A light bulb went off when I realized that she was trying to get even with me.  I can't even tell you how I knew, but I did.  She is so subtle and sneaky but she makes her point.

She is entitled and condescending.  She believes she should have privileges solely based on the fact that she is "old", or a woman, or a mother/grandmother.  She has expected people to move out of the way because she "was walking here first" even if she wasn't.  She talks down to people she believes are below her in their station in life.  She maintains a hierarchy.  She demands respect simple because she feels it is owed to her.  She does not show respect back or expect to have to earn respect.  She will do things and then condemn others.  She got upset with my 3 year old for calling her a stinker.  She calls him a stinker all the time.  She is VERY offended if someone swears in front of her.  She swears.  She loves to put people in their place.  She is always so proud of herself for "standing up" for herself.  But she's usually not standing up for herself.  The comments come off as rude or bitter or just plain mean.  She thinks that attacking someone else means she is defending herself.

She attempts to correct me all the time.  Usually it's about grammar and usually she is wrong.  But man she LOVES to tell me that I say something wrong.  She used to ask me to correct her words.  She has a hang up about being stupid, not being educated enough.  Well, that was a mistake.  She took it personally when I did correct her and now holds a grudge.  She likes to pick fights about politics but she has no information to back anything she says up.  She can't have an intelligent discussion.  Not because she's unable but because she resorts to below the belt retorts...and she doesn't read up on what she's talking about.  She has no ability to try and see the other side.  These "discussions" usually result in her crying and declaring that I'm calling her stupid.

She wants to be the hero.  The wise mother that everyone asks for advice.  She wants to be held in great esteem and regard.  She wants to be important and come first.  She gives gifts expecting admiration and indebtedness.  You can never thank her enough.  She does more for everyone else.  She is a selfless giver.

You're damned if you, damned if you don't with her.  I wrote one of her favorite sports heroes once.  I wrote a beautiful letter, describing her sacrifice and determination and grit.  I asked if he could send her an autograph so I could thank her for all she'd done for me (I was still young at the time and wanted so badly to please her).  I got the autograph and framed it along with the letter for Christmas (and truth be told,  I thought the letter would please her more).  She was ecstatic.  But she hated my letter.  I'd make her look bad and this sports star probably thought badly of her.  During my wedding she complained endlessly that I wasn't involving her enough.  She was a part of it enough.  What she really  wanted was to be in charge of it all.  She wanted to make all the decisions and then have me do all the work to execute her visions.  She wanted all the glory and none of the work.  Well, when she didn't get her way, she invented jobs for herself. She made all these aisle runners and party favors.  On the day of the wedding she complained that SHE was the only one setting every thing up while we (the bridal party) just sat around getting ready.  She was working so hard and didn't get to do her hair or look nice.

She is a bottomless bit.  She rails against my sister for never acknowledging her on Christmas or Mother's Days with cards or gifts.  I always do.  And although I always remember, always put in a lot of thought, it's more important to her that my sister DIDN'T do anything.  Nobody appreciates her enough.

She plays people against each other.  She often describes how someone is treating her badly to someone else.  She is very convincing when describing the trespasses of others and creates very negative impressions about people.

I would not describe her as friendly.  Often she seems aloof and distant.  She is judgmental and small minded.  She seems phony and  puts on airs.  She doesn't have many friends because she writes people off for the slightest things.  It scares me that my sister and I are all she has.  I hate that she makes me feel she is so dependent on me.  She has no real hobbies, no real activities.  She doesn't have many interests.

She repeats herself, a lot.  I'm not sure if this is due to not listening, not getting the response she wants, or just plain losing her mind.  She does not listen.  She interrupts and cuts me off mid sentence.  I get so many emails that either repeat her "wise advice" or that ask me the same questions over and over.  And god forbid I call her on that.  Again, I would be implying she's stupid.

She gets angry I don't call her more.  But every conversation is usually an hour or more long.  I don't have an hour every other day to devote to her and her ailments (she has MANY).  And the conversations are depressing.  Someone is dying (not really) or sick or treating her badly.  Everyone is out to get her.  She will stall on the phone "Well, lets see...what else is going on...let's see".  She will repeat this to keep me on the phone even though all conversation is exhausted.

Lately she has been lying.  Well, she's always kind of lied.  But lately it's about stupid stuff.  She has a million TV shows she keeps up on.  I know because she sends me texts through them asking what  I think.  (and gets angry if I don't text back immediately).  Then, when I ask her if she watched a particular program she'll say "I don't really watch TV.  I work so much and have to commute two hours a day and by the time I get home and make dinner it's bedtime."  Oh yeah, and she's a martyr.

She is preoccupied with money and status and material things.  She is very, very jealous.  She hates for anyone to have better than her.  She will try to take people down a peg if she thinks they have more than her.

She believes her self to be a generous, selfless, thoughtful person.  She believes she is wise and in tune with people.  She believes she reads people well.  She believes she has it harder than everyone else and has handled her hardships better than everyone else.  No one has every respected her as much as she deserves. Everyone takes from her and no one gives back.