“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I don't know why I continue to expect more out of my mother. I don't know why I expect that things will be different. I don't know why it bothers me when the same thing happens over and over.
My in-laws are coming to visit AGAIN. They have been here every other weekend, if not every weekend, for the past year. Things would be different if we had a different relationship. But I find them overbearing, disrespectful, demanding, and intrusive. It hangs a black cloud over the weekend, as I wait for the "in-law bomb" to drop.
Anyway, I was stewing over this and sent an email to my mother. I knew better. I knew I was not going to get the response I wanted. I asked her about her weekend with her extended family. She replied, in great detail, all the gossip. Then, there was a small bit about my sister. I replied with my two cents, told her about my in-laws, and told her I have a bad cold.
Her response was text book. I could have written it myself. She responded to my two cents by arguing that I was now wrong (although I was agreeing with HER). She made me out to be judgemental, taking the side of the person she was originally slandering, and acting as if she was now their supporter. How sorry she felt for them. How hard it was for them. She told me she was sorry I was sick, but then included a paragraph about the progress of her latest ailments. And then, she went on to complain about the extended family again. In a four paragraph email, she made one comment about my in-laws. She said she understood. She also said that "hell, I'd like to visit you more too. But I know you need your family time." Now, on the surface this appears to be a understanding mother. It's not. This is a jab. A sucker punch. She tells me she understands, and then when I'm open, she shoots me with how I'm not doing enough for her. I want to scream at her, "maybe if you didn't do crap like this, you would be welcome more often. Maybe if you didn't always have to make me feel badly, I would ask you down more. Maybe if you were helpful, or kind, or supportive, or nice, I would want to come visit YOU!! But as it is, I have to drag myself to visit you because it is so exhausting."
Why do I do this to myself? Why is there such hope that things will be different? Maybe I really am insane. I'm trying to do things differently, but old habits die hard I guess. And somewhere, I still haven't let go of the hope that somewhere in my mom is the person I wish she could be.
I love that quote, the first time I heard it I thought I should tattoo it on my brain.
ReplyDeleteWhat you describe about your mother making you out to be judgemental my brother does to me every time I lower my guard. Last conversation I had with him he was complaining about my mother and when I said what I thought myself, he started defending her, so you end up looking like you're the one doing the bitching. It is SOOOO annoying...
You are not insane, it is really hard to let go of bad relationships, a part of you just wants to keep going back to fix it because we have invested so much in it. I think it's called "The Slot Machine Syndrome".
I am sorry about your weekend being invaded by the in-laws, I hope it's not too painful.
Hugs.
Why do you keep hoping things will be different? Why do you want to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are generally good? Because you're SANE. For a sane person, it takes a long time to be taught that normal human interactions do not work with some people. The knowledge doesn't come naturally, because it's not normal.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree with Cassandra. You learn over time, just like you wear training wheels on a bike and then just ride without them.
ReplyDeleteYou insane? Your MOM's insane. If you're insane, I like insane you! There's a monster in your mom, behind the lies and the face. If you remember some of your dreams, you'll see it.