Buzzing Around

I've been wanting to write more posts about NM and my last visit (and I will) but I've been very busy as of late.  DH and I got very sick for three weeks or so and then we've had just one thing after the other to contend with.
As it is, I've been continuing to receive craziness from NM, and even though I shouldn't be, I'm always surprised by the in roads she chooses to "get" at me.  But, that's another post.

I haven't seen my MIL since she called my husband and offered up her faux apology.  I knew at the time that she wasn't sincere and I really had no hope of things changing.  But, since it was such a completely different tactic from her, the whole situation set off my anxiety.  I was stressed about how this all would play out.

I was guessing that MIL's tactic was that, when she called, DH would say "Oh, no, you're a great mom." and that he'd get the hint that HE actually needed to change his behavior.  I  believe her subtle message was "(DH), by not doing what I want, you've made ME feel badly.  Please fix this.  Or else." She stated in her conversation with DH that her main objective was MORE time with us and I saw very little of her actually wanting to change our relationship.

To DH's credit, he told her that we needed to work on boundaries, to back off of me, and to give us some space.

About two weeks later, FIL was calling to meet up with us.  So much for space.  I could tell DH was wanting to comply.  He said he was still going to speak with his mother, but he wanted to get my input before he talked to her (thumbs up for the fact he is consulting me, thumbs down for the fact that he still hasn't actually talked to her about the issues.  However, I don't feel like these things need to be on a timeline, and so he still can talk to about it all.)  I was very sick, so I didn't have to go.  DH met them at my BIL's house.  I was very anxious, wondering what she was going to say to DH and how she would latch onto my kids.  I rationalized, though, that the kids would be seeing their cousins (whom they really wanted to see) and MIL would be allowed little inroads to them.

When DH came home, he seemed quiet.  He said that things had been fine.  MIL had not hoovered over my older son (as usually) but had played a lot with my younger son (whom she usually ignores).  This made me anxious.  Other than that, DH said that MIL was very quiet and stayed to herself a lot.  FIL only referenced me when he asked DH on the phone "who all is coming over?"  They didn't ask how I was feeling or what I was sick with, as they normally would.

In the next few days, I noticed DH having (sudden) irritability.  It took us several tense discussions and an argument for me to finally notice that EVERY TIME he goes around his parents, he comes back sullen and argumentative.  This is another post, but I do think it was good for both of us to finally see that connection.  That things between us are fine, then he goes and sees his parents, and suddenly he has "issues" with me.

This visit with his parents also started the nagging from MIL about gift ideas.  We really did try to get her something as quickly as possible (I like to be considerate) but since we are giving ideas out to 5 or six different people, it can be complicated to organize.  I know she sent several texts reminding DH to get her the list (she'd had her own ideas, but DH told her to hold off.)  Several days after the gift ideas were sent, she texted that she had gotten YS something different.  This royally pissed me off.  I know it shouldn't, but these games around gift giving get tiresome.   DH said he understood my feelings and that he was going to tell her.  But he didn't, until finally one day (when I was at my wit's end about all of this) I called him on it.  He ended up texting her.  She feigned to not understand why it was a big deal, but ended up just buying extra gifts (and the one we had suggested) for the kids.

So, all of this has happened in the three weeks since she offered to change, and DH told her to give us some space.  During this time, MIL also made contact with me on three separate occasions.  She has been reduced to "restricted" status on my FB page, which means she can only see what I make public, which is nothing aside from my cover/profile photos.    I changed my photos twice and within an hour, MIL had "liked" them.  These are the ONLY access she has to me and I felt crowded that she would immediately like them.  Especially since DH specifically told her to not offer lame flattery (not that "likes" are always flattery, but in her case, it seems to be pathetic attempts to appear interested).  She also sent to my email address (not DH's) an electronic Thanksgiving card.  FOUR DAYS LATE (it arrived Monday morning).  A couple of things about these cards: I dislike them wholly.  You have to spend minutes watching the LAMEST graphics in order to get the message.  She has never sent me (or DH) a Thanksgiving card before.  We received no phone call on Thanksgiving or text from them and had no contact with them at all (which is also odd).  She picks out real paper cards for my kids and DH, but I always get these e-cards on my birthday.  Last Mother's Day, she acknowledged me with one of these cards, but it was also several days late.  (It's an E-CARD.  How can it be late?!)  The message was generic and not addressed to anyone in particular.  

This was the FOURTH contact we'd had from her (not including the little texts) in five weeks time.  I was feeling so pressed in on and claustrophobic.  With my niece and nephews birthdays coming up, I was feeling down right panicky.  Having not actually seen MIL since the beginning of September, I was not happy about having to see her and I feared confrontation.  Or that she would come up and insist on apologizing and "making things right".  I didn't want to be forced, in front of people, to accept her apology.  I didn't want to talk about it at all.  I mean, frankly, she's never even mentioned to ME that she felt she was feeling badly about her behavior.  She's only said things to DH.  And then she ignored every thing he asked of her.

The ILs called the day before the party to NOW insist that they wanted to make a plan to arrange ANOTHER visit to drop off gifts, as the gifts they ordered hadn't arrived yet and couldn't exchange them at the party.  (I think this is a ploy by MIL too to arrange a separate "gift opening" get together, as we always have to do, every year.)  I know was positively hyperventilating at feeling so penned in.  DH said they had planned next weekend.  He did approach me before he called them back and I told him about feeling so claustrophobic and that I needed some space.  That his parents were completely ignoring our boundaries and forcing an increase in contact.  DH arranged for after Christmas to exchange gifts, although we've made no plans yet except for a date.  I figure, when that time comes, I'll decide if I want to even go.  But I didn't like all the pressure of committing to another visit, when I was so stressed about the party and visit the next day.

  I was shaking when I walked into the place, but had a plan to make myself busy with the kids during the activities.  My youngest is still small enough to need me around.  They showed up late (as usually.  I heard my BIL on the phone giving them instructions on where to go.  They had gone to a different venue.  Not coincidentally, this is the same reason they gave for showing up late to my son's party: they didn't know where it was.  But they'd been to my son's venue twice before.  It all sounded like bullshit excuses to me. ).  I think it's horrible that they are always late, but it worked out for me and bought me time to get across the large gym and hide out.  I could feel MIL's eyes watching me when she came in.  As the adults left the entry way and ventured out to the kids, I could see her inching closer and closer, maneuvering.  I finally had to move out of her line of sight, as it was making me uncomfortable, and frankly, irritated to see her face (her facial expression, a combination of glee, and squinting, and nose up in the air, drives me crazy).  Thankfully, at that moment, my youngest son peed his pants.  Not bad enough to have to leave, but bad enough I had to run home and get him clothes (I've never been so thankful for an accident.)  I bolted and was so thankful to have 30 minutes of time taken up.  When I arrived back at the party, it was almost over.  MIL was busy "helping" (taking over for my) SIL with the cupcakes and things (SIL doesn't seem to mind, as she seems to have her head up her ass most of the time.  She spent a lot of the party with some random baby strapped on her chest instead of interacting with her own kids at the party).  I made sure to hang back a bit, near my youngest, waiting for him to finish up so I could change him.

And then she made a beeline for me.  I saw her coming from across the room, in a straight, determined line for me.  Sigh.  I was hoping we could exchange some random pleasantries and be done with it.  Nope.  She was going to hunt me down.  And this is a woman who stalks me around rooms.  I have literally moved chairs to get away from her at times, and she follows me.  She has NO respect for my personal space, listens in on my conversations with others and butts in, and I always feel so trapped around her.

I ignore her as she walks up and stands next to me.  "So, are you ready?" she asks.  I know exactly what she's referring to, as we have the SAME conversation and my niece and nephew parties every year.  This time I pause.  I had decided on "medium chill" with her.  I would answer kindly and politely and with as little response as possible.  I was not interested in engaging in conversation iwth her and I was going to refuse to participate in her charade.

Luckily, I've gotten enough control over my anxiety that I could pause and take a deep breathe, "Ready for what?"

This through her and I saw her bristle and be taken aback.  "Well, uh, uh, for Christmas.  Are you all done?"

I continued to look out at the party and not turn towards her, "Pretty much."

She continues, starting in on her "interrogation" style of conversation, where she fires one question after another at you, not really listening to the responses.  "I mean, do you have your tree up?"

"Yup".

"Well, what about the shopping? Are you done? "  She presses on.

"Mostly."

The old lady is persistent.  "Well, but like do you have them all wrapped under the tree?"

I mean, seriously, does she not take hints?  Or maybe stop drilling me and just engage in some easy conversation, lady?  I hate feeling attacked.  But I notice DH has come closer and is watching (he was giving explicit instructions to keep an eye on me this time and rescue me if necessary.)

"I've done some." I reply.  She continues "Well, I asked (OS) if he was excited and he said 'yes, there are 11 more day!'".  And then she cackles.  I smile and nod.  And then I decide to excuse myself and take YS to the bathroom.  I don't say goodbye, or even look at her, but just take off.  Maybe rude, but I was finished being interrogated.

When I came back, she was busy taking over and "helping" with the gift unwrapping.  It amazes me that BIL just wanders around while MIL does all of the work with this stuff, but I suppose that shows you how everything is "supposed" to work in this family.  I'm able to skirt around her and talk to another friend.  I go up to my niece and nephew and say good bye and happy birthday.  Neither child acknowledges me or even looks at me. (I love my niece and nephew, but manners are not their strong suit).  I gather the kids to go (DH and FIL had gone outside to give them our gifts for Christmas).  OS gets ahead of me, and when I go out I find MIL about to buy him sweets from a vending machine.  She knows she's been "caught" and suddenly starts blubbering asking if it's OK with me.  (She was going to give the sweets to OS and my nephew.  I don't know what she expected to give my YS - the ignored child - but I'm guessing nothing.  She KNEW we were leaving and she also knew my kids had just had a ton of sweets at the party.)  I told her no, it was not OK as we were leaving for dinner.  She got flustered (I secretly enjoyed this, although I shouldn't have) and flung the money at OS, saying he could keep the dollar.  She then realized that my YS would need a dollar and frantically searched for him, with my nephew bugging her for one too.  I left her rummaging in her purse, after having the boys say thank you and a quick good bye and left.  She hollered "have a good Christmas" and I said "you too" and made a dash for the door.

Outside, I expected her to come out to further talk, as FIL was still out saying goodbye.  Luckily, I was spared.  I tried to make sure to be kind and open and pleasant to FIL.  I do like him, despite his codependency and enmeshment and avoidance of confrontation.  And I think he likes me too.  Even though MIL clearly has issues with me, and he is paying the consequences now, he was very kind to me, making sure to say goodbye.  I think he wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but I busied myself with the car seats, because I was sort of feeling uncomfortable.  He couldn't squish down between the cars and said a hearty and kind goodbye before walking back to DH.  I think it speaks volumes that he has tried to maintain kindness and goodwill.


So, I feel SO relieved today.  I'm free of the old bat for two whole weeks!  (Now, if NM would just leave me the fuck alone, I could have a nice little holiday.)  But I do have pangs for the future.  I feel more confident, free, and hopeful than I have in a long time.  I don't feel like I'm bound to put up with her behavior forever.  I told DH what had happened and warned him that this is how I will be dealing with her for the foreseeable future: pleasant but detached.  I will walk away and leave if she presses too hard.  I'm ready to take care of myself and if she feels I'm being rude/unkind/pissed at her, so be it.  I don't care.  I'm still feeling very anxious, but I don't feel helpless anymore.  Progress, right?

So, questions:  Any suggestions on how to deal with her interrogative questions?  Any suggestions on the situation as a whole?

Processing an Apology

So, I came home from the grocery store and DH and I sat down for lunch.  He immediately told me that he'd gotten a text from MIL this morning, asking him to call her back when he had the time to talk.  He was instantly anxious, he said, and worried that someone was ill or dead (his grandparents aren't well, as are other family members) and called her back immediately.  She never asks him to call her like that.  She rarely talks to him on the phone.  She usually goes through FIL. 

But no one had died, she had called to offer an apology.  She told DH that she feared that she'd been a bad MIL.  That she had noticed the growing tension.  That she felt she'd done some things wrong.

WTF, you say?  An apology?  From the woman who has never (if rarely) ever claimed responsibility for the way things are?  Who's never even acknowledged "the way things are" (we are one big happy family, don't cha know?)

Don't worry, I was instantly skeptical.  But let me back up a bit.

Around a month back, we had DS's birthday (for those of you that don't know, every birthday of my kids has been run over by the Ns).  As usual, NM and her husband came.  And MIL and FIL come.  And as an added bonus they all went to DS's soccer game.  I was ready, and as prepared as I could be for the weekend.  I handled NM well enough (can you ever say well?)  We hadn't seen the ILs much over the summer.  During YS's birthday in June, MIL had showed up 45 minutes into the party and clearly had given YS's birthday very little thought. 

So, MIL comes into the soccer game nervous, fidgety and weird.  I had decided to just "hang back".  Not be rude, but not extend myself in any way.  No "hello" first.  No phony smiles.  Just a wave.  MIL pulled her chair up so close to DH that she was practically sitting on top of him (she nudged FIL out of the way to get to him).  The whole hour and a half, she peppered DH with, what I can only call an "interrogation".  She dominated his attention, the entire time, in the guise of "trying to make conversation" (or so DH called it, just claiming she was nervous).  It went something like this "What kind of party is DS having?  Is he having cupcakes or cake?  What kind of cake?  Does he have a man teacher or a woman teacher?  Does he take his lunch or eat at school?"  (Seriously, these are direct quotes.  And it went on for an hour.)  There was a particularly tense moment when I stated an opposing point of view (MIL just bristled and didn't say anything).    It was so weird.  You'd think we'd had a huge falling out, with the way MIL was so tense and agitated.  But the thing was, I wasn't rude.  I hadn't been rude (or even much different that I'd always been).  I was quiet, distant, and a bit to myself.  I just hadn't extended myself at all.  When we got home, DH stated that we'd "both" been difficult.  I asked him how?  What had I done that was so "difficult"?  I pointed out that this tense, icky environment had always been like this for me.  He'd just had the comfort of hiding in the conversation with his father, leaving me alone with his mother, and me putting on the fake smile and phony talk to get through it all. 

The next day, MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL all walked into the party without acknowledging me.  That didn't make a "point" of doing it, but how they could walk two feet from me and not see me was crazy.  FIL and BIL never spoke to me the entire party.  I doubt it was totally intentional, but just shows how little class they have if it was clearly a mistake.  How do you come to your nephew's party, but not ever greet his mother, the hostess?  MIL approached me (cornered me, while alone) to offer some patter about the cupcakes (she kept complimenting the taste -which came from a box - but missed the artistic, and complicated presentation of the cupcakes.  I know that sounds silly, but the artistic component was really unique and to not say anything just seemed....odd.)  She also offered (as usual) to help me once everything else was done.  They left their dog tied up to a tree in the parking lot.  The anxiety ridden barking dog.  And when I suggested to MIL that it was barking at people trying to entire the facility she seemed annoyed.  The whole thing was odd.  MIL never once went to play with my kids.  She stood in the area between the two play areas (as is usual).

Oh, and FIL made some comment about it being "all about Jessie" to my mother (who, somewhat gleefully related to me) when I had objected to my son participating in a sport.  It was a bit of a sucker punch to me. 

So, that was a few weeks ago.  FIL and MIL have not called once to see about coming to any other soccer games.  I haven't ventured enough along thinking about why.  They've been in our town for many of the weekends.

************

Saturday Morning:  MIL calls and says they are coming into town (the attend sporting games in the fall in our town about every other weekend from September through December).  She leaves a message that she wants to "get together".   My guess is that she wanted to stop by our house and "hang out".  This is their m.o. and it drives me crazy.   They just want to pop by, when it's convenient to them and around their schedule.  They never considered nap times, or that it's almost dinner time (and that I would either have to just eat around them, or scramble to find food to feed them.  And the kids HAD to eat.)  We've tried in the past to schedule at different times (like before the games, so they had to LEAVE, but they often wiggled out of that.  Once, they'd been "up drinking" too late and didn't come, so said they'd "just stop by after the game instead."  Um NO. )  They also just want to stop by (often on Sunday evenings) when they are driving through our town.  And then they just want to "hang out" and be a part of the family, as if we don't have chores, baths, dinners, or school to get ready for.

This time, our house was a mess and we had plans to be out for the day.  I'm sure MIL assumed DH was staying home to watch the game, but we had gone out to a family outing instead.   DH texted his mother that we could meet for dinner at 5 (dinner works much better for me, I told DH.  I feel less trapped - both physically and emotionally.  MIL often physically corners me.  They also don't know when they've over stayed their welcome, so dinner -with and "end point" helps....although they still drag it out.)  We hear nothing from MIL until after the game.  She sends a text at 3:30 "Just got back to the car.  That is a little late for us."  Then, in another text "Can't we just drop off the apple sauce and then leave."  She always has "something" to drop off.  She's well aware that, unless she has something, which she guilts us into having to accept (we don't want the applesauce, fruit, or whatever else she has.  And she only brings one or two things at a time.)  DH was annoyed.  He's beginning to see how it has to be all about them.  I thought the whole thing was over complicated.  Why not just call your son and ask what his plans are for the day and when, if any, would be a good time to meet up?  And then try to be accommodating or say that you'll have to catch them next time?  DH didn't respond.  It wouldn't have mattered, we couldn't have met up anyway, as we were still at the family event.  Later, FIL called and left a message that they had to get back to their town  for something (DH didn't really know what and later I saw MIL on FB).  And they wanted to get together the next time (two weeks) they game for a game.

************************

So, DH calls MIL back and she tells him she's done some thinking and fears she's been a bad MIL to me.  DH agrees (whoo hoo!).  She states that she's been offensive, she thinks.  Yes, very offensive, DH agrees.  She says that she's tired of saying things and then thinking later that she shouldn't have said them (hmm, think before you fucking talk!)  DH points out that she has really offended me by getting another dog (I'm very allergic) by adopting BIL's dog (whom they didn't want to care for anymore.  That's how MIL got her first dog.  She also used to invited FOUR other dogs -BIL's dogs- to holiday gatherings and then refuse to understand why it was difficult for me to attend family holidays.   She wouldn't even put the dogs outside.  She also used to tell people that she didn't understand why I didn't visit more.  BUT, she wouldn't get a cat because BIL and SIL are allergic - and not deathly allergic like me.  They could take an antihistamine and be fine.  )  She says she knows, and that the next dog will be hypoallergenic (I've heard this before from her, when her last dog was about to die.  She was unwilling to hear me as I tried to explain not all hypoallergenic dogs are.)  DH pointed out that is not the point.  The point was also not that she HAD a dog, but that she made it much worse with the dog and by inviting all of the others. 

He pointed out that things REALLY would take effort to change.  That boundaries would be put up.  That things would never be like they are with BIL and SIL, whose house they just come and go at.  That it would take work.  Lots of work on her part.  Willingness to change and hear criticism.  That she needed to quite being so superficial with me and really take the time to get to know me.  That he   needed to quit communicating compliments THROUGH HIM.  That she needed to quite communicating with me at all through him.  She said "well Jessie is one of the coolest people I know".  But she also told DH "I'm still going to compliment her hair or nails (the superficial compliments DH told her to stop.) because I DO like them."  To me, it sounds like she didn't hear a word he said.  She completely missed the point. 

She did say that she knows that she was wrong to "pressure" me into things so much.  This is her sanitized word for BULLYING.  MANIPULATING.  CONTROLLING.  STRONG ARMING.  I made sure to point that out to DH.  She ADMITTED pressuring me.  This woman is the most controlling person I know, but hides it extremely well (for the most part).  And she's AWARE of it.  This is a big thing, I think.

Oh, MIL had told DH that "all I want is to spend more time with you guys."  So, all SHE WANTS is to spend more time.  Not to heal things, not to change things, not to grow closer.  Her end game is to spend more time with us.  She wants to "hang out" with ME because I'm "cool"?  Not kind, considerate, thoughtful, fun to be around?  Sounds an awful lot like NS to me.  She wants to be associated with me.  (I often have felt this when their was a sudden switch in our relationship.  She suddenly went from putting me down to suddenly wanting to emulate me.  I read the other day that Ns like to "fast track" knowledge.  So, they find someone they admire and then try to model themselves after them.  But the whole premise is faulty, because they've done nothing to actually BE more like that person, but rather just "tried on" the other person.  I feel this is what MIL is now trying to do to me.)  I also note that she didn't say she wanted to be a bigger part of her grandkids lives, get to know them better, or be a more supportive grandmother.  Not that I expected any or all of these things specifically, but the fact that NONE of them were in the conversation and it was only about WANTING to spend more time, I am suspicious.  I also notice that never, in the whole conversation did she ask DH what WE wanted, needed, felt, hoped for.    I suspect, that because she views DH and I as the "good family" she's wanting to attach herself to us for the NS.  My sons are smart, handsome, and well liked.   We, as a family, are well liked and do well for ourselves (not to brag.)  SIL and BIL are not as satisfactory in meeting her needs, although they are JUST like her.  I don't see anywhere where this is any more than an attempt to insert herself in our lives. 

I suspect that when we didn't jump to meet her, she panicked.  It really was a very small boundary, and I think her intense reaction to it speaks volumes.  I think she's afraid we are moving away from her and is desperate to get us back in the "fold".  She's hoovering.  Do I think she genuinely feels bad and remorseful?  Quite possible.  I think, in the presence of consequences, she's really wanting to "fix" things.  But she really has no clue how to do it.  Because she's an N and she can't think about how to fix the relationship, only how to offer bandaids and platitudes.  I KNOW that she hasn't had a sudden bought of insight, like she claims.  Many of the things she pointed to herself, she has said before to me.  She knows the dogs are an issue (they have been for 16 years).  She clearly knows she's been offensive in the past.  She is offering lots of defenses and excuses for her behavior.  When DH offered her up specific things to do, she countered them and said she was still going to do them.

DH realized during the phone call that he was starting to ramble and told her that he really needed to think about it all and call her back.  He said he is not sure if things will change, and is rational enough to realize we will have to watch her behavior change.  He is shocked, as he said, "my mother has never done anything like this before (accept responsibility and apologize) and she doesn't have the balls to."  So, he is surprised by the gesture.  But, thankfully, he's not falling for it immediately.

We talked about it more afterwards.  I told him that I hoped he'd quit providing her with a "check list" of the things she needed to change, and start asking HER what she planned to change, what SHE saw as the issues.  I told him I hoped he'd stop saying that she was offensive to ME, but offensive to US.  He asked that, in the future, I would say to her when she was upsetting me.  At first I agreed, but then said I'd only do that when I felt comfortable.  I am unwilling to put myself out their as a "practice dummy" for her to work on her N rage on.   I told him to give her some very concrete examples of where she has crossed the line (like favoring one of our children over the other and claiming that God has told her my older son is "more special") but that to be careful and selective about what he shares.  Or to share slowly. 

The whole thing had me shaking.  I'm heading to my NM's house this weekend, and I didn't need more stress.  I didn't feel immediately emotional about the apology, but I definitely am concerned about what this means in the future.  I am very glad that the elephant in the room has finally been spoken about and I know longer have to "put on a happy face" around this woman.  I know she KNOWS now.  (I always knew she knew what the fuck she was doing to me, but she would act like everything was fine all of the time.  If I ever tried to bring anything up, she raged until I shut up.)  She can't deny she knows.   I don't buy the "I'm a mad MIL" thing either.  She has always claimed to "not want to be THAT MIL" so how she is with her DILs is always on her mind.  She just has chosen to be THAT MIL.  I've heard this before too when it started to dawn on her that she hadn't prepared her sons well enough.  Then, I got lots of "I haven't been a good mom."   But she never changed anything. 

At any rate, I feel thankful that DH is finally defending and protecting me.  I think MIL would've gone on doing what she was doing forever until we finally decided to not do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.  (Seriously, all of this because we asked to meet for dinner and then wouldn't meet any other way?)  I'm glad he sees that it will take tons of work and will be a long process (he told MIL not to expect an instant relationship.)  I'm thankful he isn't just accepting what she says and going back to playing pretend. 

I don't see her changing.  At all.  But if she does, at least that will be a good thing.  And at worse, I know longer have to play the "crazy one" who is seeing things that aren't there.  MIL has admitted she knows she's done wrong and she can't take that back.  But I don't see her trying, at all, to be any different in the future.  Hopefully, this will help keep her at arm's length away from me.