Changes with NM

So.  NM.  Was it better.  No, not particularly.   Did she get to me?  No, not particularly.

I'm getting to the point where I've pretty much emotionally detached from her.  I don't feel this aching need for her to get me or understand me or validate me.  I'm unwilling to accept any sort of "love" or "caring" from her, as I know it isn't real (or is fleeting).  She doesn't work me up (as much) emotionally.  Sure, she's still annoying as hell, but I'm don't get overworked and over raw around her.  I've learned to LEAVE the scene when I can't take anymore (I disappeared for chunks of time over the weekend.  She only came "looking" for me once.   I did not allow her to amp up the drama.)

It's interesting watching her from a much more distance, unemotional place.  She is. such. a. child.   It's amazing to me the many ways this woman can bring things back to herself.  I mention I'm not thrilled with my son's kindergarten teacher.  "OH!  Not like YOUR kindergarten teacher, huh!"  She seems to take personal responsibility for my teacher, like she GIFTED the woman to me.  She also did this with when I mentioned my sons doctors and how I was switching.  She completely MISSED the points I was trying to make and never asked WHY I was switching or felt uneasy with the teacher.   In the past, this would've made me feel invalidated and angry.  But this time, shrug.  I told her that I had little memory of either of these people, which annoyed her. 

Every conversation turns around to what she would do, how she did it, or what it was like when I was a kid (because, apparently, I can't remember how SHE did things as a mom).  Everything is said in a way that clues me in that she believes she's giving advice.  Propping herself up.  Patting herself on the back.  I rarely begin conversations at all because she doesn't listen and will tune into her phone or the kids.  This used to annoy me too, but now I just say "Are you listening?"  When she nods and "ummm hummm" I say "no you're not".   Then, I stop the conversation.  Even if she tells me to continue.  Nope, you had your chance.  It gets tiring listening to her was poetic about herself, disguising it as conversation. 

She also demands TONS of attention.  She gets pissy and complains if the kids spend too much time with her husband.  But then she gets pissy and complains when OS takes up "too much" of her attention.  Or puts demands on her.  Once, when the kids and I asked her to come outside and look at something, she purposely procrastinated.  In the past, I would've fumed.  This time, when OS complained that she wasn't coming, I said "Do you know the kids are waitng for you?" and then to my son "I guess she's not interested."  She likes to be asked to do things and then to stall.  I'll have to remember this in the future.  She keeps bringing up people no one cares about and making huge announcements about what is going on (her coworker's daughter was getting married and NM was very involved in the drama, texting for updates and then expecting our rapt attention as she discussed it.)  She kept bring up the same trivial bullshit over and over (SD!  I'm so worried about the weather and we may not be able to camp out next weekend.  She brought this up every day and stressed over the weather report.  She made us go shopping for camping equipment.  It would really be comical how she demands so much attention if it wasn't so annoying).

She's also profoundly negative.  How she describes things, even when not intending to be a bitch, comes out pissy.  For example, DH and stepdad were going to go somewhere and NM asked "Or will OS throw a fit because he can't go."  It's the "throw a fit" part that gets me.  It's an awful negative characterization by my standards.   When we were leaving for OS's game, she came up and started nagging Stepdad (SD) , saying "Do you still have to brush your teeth?!?  Well you better get going!!! We are leaving soon!!"  Then she stood there patting herself on the back (out loud) for "taking the reins".  She went on and on about how she had to lord over stepdad and keep him on track (which is untrue.  SD is very considerate and (mostly) thoughtful (he has been known to pout) and always is ready on time.  The whole situation was very emasculating for SD, in my opinion, and NM would not let it go.  She gets this gleeful expression when she does stuff like this and thinks she's being 'strong" and "in charge" and hides it behind the fact that "he's being rude and inconsiderate of Jessie and DH".  Lots and lots of shaming go on around her.  I've learned to ignore her when she does this or walk away.  Before she'd try and haul me into participating, but I ignore it.   Interestingly, since I've begun to stand up to NM, my relationship with SD has improved.  His much kinder, no longer snarks at me, and seems considerate and interested in me.  (Side note, my father and I's relationship has also improved once I removed myself from all of the drama with my sister.)  I assumed SD would attack me for taking on NM, but he seems to be grateful for it. 

I also notice that NM requires CONSTANT validation.  She forces people to agree with what she says.  For example "I also do such and such, don't I SD, don't I!"  It's not a question.  Poor SD always just nods.  It's like watching her use him as a mirror in real time.  She says something and then forces "the mirror" to reflect it back by agreeing with her.  I quit doing this too.  I either ignore her questions, or give a contrary opinion.  Not to piss her off, but because that's how I feel. 

She also is quite contradictory, speaking out of both sides of her ass.   In the midst of a conversation she said that she "likes having my kids grown and gone.  I like my life and having it to myself. I don't want to go back to parenting and take care of kids all of the time."  And then two seconds later she talked about how she would drop everything to care for her grandsons all of the time. 

After the soccer game, NM knew I was upset.  I decided to let her see how I was feeling.  (I know TW, don't kill me.)  I had no expectations of validation, gave no information that would make me vulnerable, but (factually) explained what bothers me and express the appropriate emotions with it.    I'm sick and tired of either hiding my emotions or pretending it's OK.   I know that this opens NM up with information, but I don't care.  She already had the information and could clearly see what was going on.  I expressed how ANGRY I was with MIL at the game.   I didn't allow NM to comfort me (I pushed off all hugs she tried to give me.  Fuck that.  And some hug from NM wasn't going to wipe away my emotions.  I actually think showing her my emotions bothers her.  Another reason I don't mind not hiding them from her.)

The first incident the following day came when she brought up a family reunion she wants to plan with her FOO.  This FOO of is VERY dysfunctional, not close and has rarely gotten together.  Plus, NM wants NSIS to be there.  She asked what I thought, all bubbly and excited.  I said "good luck with that.  Your family doesn't seem to be the "family reunion" type."  (Plus, she's already told me that they were struggling to agree on doing it.  No one wanted to take it on....because no one really wants to do it.  I'm sure they think it sounds as uncomfortable and fraught with tension as I do.)  This pissed NM off and she started arguing that my perceptions were wrong.  Well, so be it.  Then, she went on and on about the plans for it.  I ignored it and finally turned my back.  (I was making cupcakes at the time, and one batch came out completely wonky.  The first ones were good, but the last few I'd completely messed up.  I told DH you could see the evolution of the conversation in those cupcakes.)  This pissed her off more and she bustled outside to make a phone call.  I'm guessing to NSIS (who the fuck else would she call.  She has no friends and has no one she needed to call. )  She never said who she was talking to, but was out there for an half an hour (she also used to do this, calling me when frustrated while visiting NSIS, so it's a habit for her).   I'll admit, it pissed me off.  She also used to have a habit of calling NSIS the second BEFORE she would walk into my home to visit.  She would spend the first ten minutes of a visit with us describing me, my house, and everything to my sister before she would even greet me.  I hated this.  And you can't call her on it.  She just says "aren't I allowed "me" time?!"  When the kids complain she's on her phone instead of playing she says she's "tired".  I told her last time that she always says how much she doesn't get to spend time with the kids, that it seems a shame to waste time she IS with the kids on her phone. 

The next day, she cornered me as we all prepared to go out for a walk.  She does this often to force "alone time" on me.  She calls it "mother - daughter" time when my son asks where we were (almost implying my son is being obnoxious for asking it, like he's annoyed that I got NM's attention.  Which maybe he is, he's six and likes to be played with.  But she reacts as if he's doing something selfish and uncaring. Just another example of how she her reactions are skewed in a negative way that makes the other person feel shamed.)

She kept flitting around from topic to topic.  First asking about my grandmother who is dying.  I've avoided the topic in the past, but I know she knows now.  I gave her the information I have: she's dying, I don't know when, I don't know of what type of cancer, and I don't know how she is (this is a whole other story).  NM starts in on what my she told my sister to do.  Starts pestering me about questions about my dad.  I close off.  She flits to another topic: my dad.  Asks if he came to visit this year.  I say no.  She starts to give an opinion on my father, how he should take time off, how he should visit my sister (even though she visited him instead, the first time in SEVEN years.  But of course he is expected to dance around my sister too), blah, blah.  I've been down that road.  I say "yes, I wish he visited more.  But it's his loss and I can't force him to do more than he does."  I show no emotion, I state the facts, and then I quit responding.

She says some more crap.  Then she brings up her father, an alcoholic, asshole of a man who has is spoiled and has always expected his own way.  He was a horrible father and a piss poor grandfather (he wasn't mean to us, but could care less.  He's done some kind things for me in the past, but he's not, by any stretch, a good grandfather.  I have few feelings towards him except mild kindness and duty. Note: not obligation, but duty.)  She says that he brought up that he felt like a horrible dad.  NM gets up on her soap box again (I really don't know how to explain this.  She takes this odd, mature, superior tone where she acts as if she's schooling all of us.  It's sort of like a lecture.   I suppose with her family, she is imparting wisdom, but for me, it just seems ridiculous. )  She said she told grandfather "we got both good things from you and bad things dad.  It wasn't all bad...." blah, blah.  I appreciate that she's seeing him from a continuum, but I actually feel she's glossing over the bad things.  Like she's "balancing" things out.  I do not believe that good things, balance out bad.  I'm finally able to see that my childhood DID have good things in it, that I took lessons from both my mother and father, that she wasn't awful, all the time.  But I certainly wouldn't level it out and say that it was OK.  And it seemed she was saying this all to seem superior rather than any real understanding of what she was saying.  And I couldn't stop myself.  Matter of factually, I said "but he wasn't a good dad.  You maybe have gotten a good work ethic from him, but he was a horrible father."  She sputtered.  "And he was a piss poor grandfather."  She sputtered again, regrouped and started in on her lecture again about how to "properly view parents in good and bad light" and how my grandfather blames my grandmother for all the "bad" traits in the kids.  I kept all emotion out of my voice and again said "he was not a good grandfather and she was not a good grandmother."  She stopped and then, like a switch, agreed with me.  But not because she got it, but because it gave her a moment to vent about him.   I said "he is a spoiled, selfish man who only focuses on himself. "  And then there she was back to the childish NM, bitching about how awful he is, how horrible he was, how spoiled he is.  It was rather crazy to watch in real time. 

And then DH and SD and the kids came back.  She lost "her moment".  I felt SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.  I dislike these moments of being trapped by her, but at least I am no longer afraid of them.  She can't drag me down.  I didn't respond emotionally and was able to think about things before I responded.  I also didn't allow her to feed me a lot of bullshit.  I spoke my truth.

Also, when I talked to her about MILs behavior at the party (NM FORCES me to drive with her.  She loads all of the party shit in her car before I have a chance, and when I, repeatedly tell her no, she argues.  Last time, I was able to get my way, this time I could care less.)  She told me that all the things I'd told her about MIL (I gave her very factual, concrete examples of her behavior.  In the past, I've fluttered around my feelings and have been unable to say WHY MIL bothers me so much.)  NM said "maybe I shouldn't be so nice to her tomorrow."  (I may have mentioned that NM and MIL like to pretend that they are going to be friends.)  In the car going to the party, she told me how much it bothered her to hear I'm treated like that.  (Which is crap, she's heard it all before.  And while it bothers her and she's said it bothered her before, she still makes 'nicey-nicey' with MIL.)  So, at first, NM goes on attack mode with them.  Purposely trying to be snarky to them.  Then, she tells me at one point MIL was annoying her and going off, so IN ORDER TO TRY AND DEFLECT THAT, NM pulled out her phone and started showing MIL pictures of an accomplishment in which she's being publically recognized (and lord, was I sick of hearing about that).   I thought it so messed up that NM's solution to MILs arrogance and intrusions and selfishness is just to talk about herself.  I guess she fights "fire" with "fire".    MIL, for her part, tolerates NM and politely nods and smiles her phony smile (I wish I could describe it.  It's a smile, but there is a hint of smirk in it, along with panic and anxiety and contempt).   

I find it interesting to watch how NMs reaction to them treating me badly is to talk about how it upsets HER.  But then when she can support me, she doesn't (I did tell MIL she was wrong about the theme of my son's party.  NM told MIL she had been calling it the same thing.  Thanks for the support NM!)  She kept trying to pull me in for a hug, which I resisted.    Her hugs feel like a cheap band aid and method for her to feel like she's doing something.  She said "it's OK to accept a hug."  Um, nope.  It's not, from you NM.  Because that puts me in a vulnerable position.  I can speak my truth, but I will not accept her compassion, as that puts me at risk of being hurt.  She offers no verbal support.  She offers no validation.  She offers lots of "you should just do this".   She clearly has no ability to really support someone.  I'm glad I did it.  I don't worry about retribution.  I didn't feel vulnerable to her.  Will she use this?  Most likely.  But I want her to know that she, NSIS, and everyone else aren't the only ones who are dealing with things and working through life.

Other than that, she pulled a couple messed up things with the kids.  She brings piles of presents.  And she always gives gifts of the "theme" (for example dinosaurs) to the kid who is less interested in that.  (So, for example, she'll give some dinosaur stuff to OS - who is very interested - and more to his brother.  She feels that "it's not fair for OS" to get all of that stuff -like he's "hogging" the interest or something.  Again, assigning negative intentions to harmless behaviors.)  This time, when my boys protested in front of her the unfairness (she also managed not to get right something I very specifically told her was necessary to get a specific toy.  She asks for tons of ideas but always fucks up one or two.  This isn't due to an accident.) I let them.  Before,  I would've stressed out about her thinking my kids are ungrateful.  She's going to think that regardless.  So, I let them say how they felt.  I reminded my kids later that "Grandma struggles with what is fair and doesn't understand that.  I would hope that you would express gratitude, but your feelings are valid and I understand why you would feel that way.  And you are always able to tell me how you feel."  It pisses me off she disguises these little jabs in presents. 

My OS also confronted her for calling him a brat.  He said (to DH and me) "Hey mom.  We were playing and (little brother) wanted something I didn't want to give him.  I heard grandma tell LB that I was being a brat, but she said she called me a (and damn, I can't remember what the word was but it was something that sounded like brat but was less innocuous).  NM immediately argued that she was right.  And then when she knew she'd been caught and I repeatedly told OS that that was NOT OK.  And that Grandma -and everyone -should refrain from calling names.  And that I understood why that would bother him.  Then she tried to tell me that "brat" wasn't a big deal (she and SD come from people that think calling kids "turds" "brats" "spoiled" or "babies" is OK.  MIL and FIL also feel that way.  I know some people feel it's not a big deal, but I DO.)  I immediately told her YES, it is, don't do it again.  I know it sucks -and some people will have judgement- that I allow her around my kids when she says/does this shit.  But I am proud that I've taught my sons to stand up, to confront, to call them on the bullshit and that I will support them in that.  That I will protect them from that as best I can.  (Also, NM is off babysitting duty.  She is rarely allowed alone around my kids.)  I'm trying to do the best I can (DH insists kids have access to their grandparents and that they will resent me for keeping them from their grandparents.  And OS actually really loves NM and likes her to come.   So, I sometimes feel stuck.  Plus, I can't protect them from every narcissist out there, so I hope this teaches them some tools.)  But maybe that's all rationalization and excuses.

So, that's why I called a therapist today.  I'm overwhelmed at talking to someone.  I feel afraid, for some reason.  I worry she will not believe me.  I spoke to her, briefly on the phone today.  When I said that both my mother and MIL are narcissists she, in disbelief said "BOTH of them?!"  I said yup.  She quickly regrouped and said "well, you know, that isn't actually that surprising.  I can see how that happened."  Is that a good sign or a bad sign?  I hyperventilated for an hour after making the appointment, pacing and teary-eyed.  I'm looking forward to having outside perspective, but I'm terrified of being told I'm wrong.  And that it is all me....

My grandmother

It was no secret growing up that my grandmother, NM's mother, was off.  Or crazy.  Or "weird" as NM called her.  No one hid it from me and my sister.  My aunts and uncles and cousins all knew it.  We talked about it. It was sort of a family joke.   Nobody was under any delusion that she was a "normal" grandmother.

Both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town. Growing up,  I was much closer to my father's parents, although I can see now that it wasn't exactly a close relationship either.  But, compared to my mother's parents, dad's parents were the "normal" ones.   We used to drive down and visit once a month or so.  We'd spend the majority of the day at dad's parents' house and then drive over for our obligatory visit with mom's parents.  We would spend about an hour or so there and then leave.  We didn't do "family" dinners there (mom had three siblings who lived nearby or in our town.)   We didn't stay the night.  We didn't do anything with them.  We never spent more than half a day there.  I can't remember one time (although I'm sure it happened once or twice) that my grandparents visited our house.  They didn't attend school plays, or science fairs, or graduations.  Nm never left us with them or had them babysit.  On occasion, we would stay with my dad's parents.  Nm would have my sister and I go over for dinner with her parents, but we NEVER stayed there.  Ever.  As I grew older, I'd walk over and visit her if I was staying at my other grandmother's.  I can remember dragging my favorite cousin over to visit her.  He hated going.

Grandma was an odd duck to say the least and NM never tried to hide it from me.    NM always spoke of how difficult her childhood had been.  She always spoke of how weird Grandma was.  Grandma rarely left the house.  She had paranoid delusions that the neighbors were out to get her.  She spied on the neighbors.  She was a hypochondriac that always had some physical ailment or another (that the doctors could never diagnose).  She was quiet and reserved, rather pinched really, but she was always watching and observing everything you did.  She was not warm, or friendly, and rarely made an effort to actually get to know me.  She complained A LOT.  It was a family joke about how negative and full of complaint grandma was.  She wasn't educated, but she wasn't dumb.  She never worked.  She was a meticulous house keeper.  In fact, her home almost felt sterile.   I can remember, on occasion, catching glimpses of her as a "real" person and I always enjoyed that (she had a fondness for Elvis; she liked to dance). But really, she didn't seem to have a lot of depth to her personality.   She always seemed to keep herself at a distance, emotionally hidden away.   I learned later that she took a lot of valium, which would explain her sedated and lethargic speech and movements.  She showed little interest in her grandkids.  Even the ones who lived in town with her saw little of her.  They invited her endlessly to things, but she never went.  Getting her to their weddings was a small feat. 

Grandma ran away and eloped with my grandfather when she was still in high school.  NM always described grandma's relationship with her parents as good, especially with her father.  Grandma was a daddy's girl, they would tell me.  I always liked my great-grandfather, but my memories of him were of after he had a debilitating stroke, so it was hard to really gauge what he was like.  Great grandma was a little quirky, but nice.  Maybe a touch childlike if I remember correctly.    I didn't have a sense that she was not a good mother, but really, how could I know?

Grandpa was significantly older than grandma (especially considering she was still in high school).  He picked her up from school one day and they ran away and got married.  Grandpa had been raised by his two aunts, didn't really know his young, unwed mother, and didn't meet his father until he was an adult.  He was a blue color, working man, with tattoos on his arms and a drinking problem.  He was gruff and rough around the edges.  He was harsh and could be scary.  NM says that he was spoiled and babied as a child( treated almost like a doll, if you ask me).

Life as a young married couple was hard.  They were broke and grandpa was often in the bars.  Coupled with the fact that grandmother didn't like to leave the house much, life as a child in their home sounded miserable, at best.  Nm talks of lots of fights, screaming, and yelling.  Her father was brutish and scary and violent (although to what extent, I don't know.)  The family moved around a lot.  Grandma was pregnant almost immediately and was pregnant again with NM only months after delivering her first and only son.   NM talks of being poor and holes in the floors and her shoes and not having enough to eat. 

NM described her mother as cruel sometimes, taunting and teasing to get rises out of NM.  She described her as critical and mean.   She said grandmother didn't make a very good mother and NM often stepped in to do a lot of the work.  NM's older brother was the "golden boy" (NM's words, not mine) and was spoiled and coddled.  NM, as the oldest sister, took care of the family, did a lot of the housework and ran a lot of the errands outside of the house, as well as much of the childcare for her two younger sisters.  NM remembers being left outside in the car outside of  bars (in cold, snowy weather) while her parents went in to drink.  Or having to fetch her dad from the bar.  She told stories about having to walk home in snow and having to drag her "whiny" brother with her.  I always got the impression NM had to be the tough one.  She certainly likes to wear the mantle of being "strong" now....except when she's playing the victim.  When she got old enough, she started chipping in money from her job to pay the bills and paid for most of her own needs (clothes, yearbooks, pocket money).   Her mother was cold, neglectful, and distant.  She didn't seem much of a mother at all.  I often think NM married my father just to get the hell out of her parents' house. 

In many ways, I sympathize with NM.  It had to have been a horrible childhood.  She never kept details from me.   It was always out in the open and she discussed how her relationship with her mother was strained because of her childhood and I can remember feeling very sorry for her as a child.  And how fortunate I was.   I can also remember my father telling me that NM had "a bad childhood" and I remember it being said in a sort of "excuse" way whenever I was conflicted about NM. 

In her adult relationship with her mother, NM never hid the fact that her relationship was still strained and difficult.  I can remember her complaining a lot about her mother.  I can remember her not wanting to visit.   I remember her telling me that she always struggled to buy her mom a mother's day card, as there were no cards for "marginal" mothers (oh, the irony, as I stand in the card aisle looking for that same card.)  They never seemed close.  NM didn't call her a lot (and complained when she did).  She didn't depend on her mother, or look to her for support, as far as I could see.  But she continued to do her duty.  Looking after her parents.  Sending them money on occasion.  When grandmother got ill and died, NM stepped in and did the hard work and arranged medications and hospital bills and stuff like that. 

The day grandma died, I can remember how cold and stony NM was.  She made my aunt cry because she told aunt that she should quit being such a baby about it.  She had no sympathy or empathy for anyone feeling badly that day.  I don't think it even occurred to her that I might be upset at all.  She made it out like I was there to support HER, not like I was there to be part of a family mourning their matriarch (if you could call her that). 

And really,  I wasn't terribly upset.  Sure, the death of a family member is never easy.  But we had never been particularly close and she had been sick for awhile.  One thing I think I can say for NM is that, by being open and honest, she saved me from being hurt by my grandmother.  I don't remember feeling particularly sad or upset that she wasn't a "normal grandma".  I just had always understood her to be the way she was.  I had no expectations of her.  I didn't feel I missed out.  She didn't hurt my feelings.  Partially, I'm sure that had to do with grandma being of the ignoring variety of narc.  I don't really remember feeling too much of anything for her.  Maybe a small fondness?  I visited her as an adult, and didn't find the conversations horrible (as so many family members did).  I didn't feel sorry for her either.  I just remember feeling accepting of who she was: a nut case.  She sent me letters in college, filled with complaints about the neighbors, which was as much as she'd ever reached out to me.  She never got to know me.  And I always felt like I'd fulfilled any obligation I had to her. 

Standing by her coffin on the day of her funeral, my older female cousin and I were discussing her.  No one in our family is particularly close, so it was a bit of a weird moment for me to have her confide in me.  She said, tears in her eyes,  "I never really felt like I knew her.  I knew nothing about her childhood, her family.  Did you?"  Probably being a tad unsympathetic, I said, "yes, I did."  And I felt I did.  I asked her the questions I wanted, learned about her family, looked through her family photos.  I'd maintained enough of a relationship with grandma.  I didn't feel regret or loss or really anything. 

Later, that same cousin (and her mother, NM's SIL, a bit of a black sheep in the family) wrote blog posts about how upset they were that grandma hadn't involved themselves in their lives more.  How desperately they'd wished she'd participated more in their family.  How much regret and sadness they felt over it all.  At the time, I really didn't understand their feelings.  In fact, I thought it was a tad disrespectful to write a blog post about what a horrible mother and grandmother she was days after she died.  But, as time has passed, I can see how much they were needing to process.

And I've come to understand their point of view a tad bit more.  See, my aunt's mother (cousin's other grandmother) was a very involved grandmother.  She was the cookie-baking, at-all-events, help-you plan-your-wedding grandma.  They knew what it could look like.  Even though my other grandmother was better (by a LONG shot) she still wasn't that involved as a grandmother (she's a whole other story).  I really didn't know any better.  I'd had no expectations at all for my grandmother, where as, they had a whole list of things they wished my grandmother could've been.  It was an interesting revelation for me. 

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The reason I bring this all up now, is that NM sent me a truckload of emails yesterday.  She was going though old pictures on her computer and when she found one that struck her, she forwarded it to me with her comments (which sucked, by the way.  Her depressing walk down memory lane was bad enough, without forcing me to witness it.)

One of the photos was a picture of me and my grandmother, when I was an adult, chatting about grandma's flowers.  NM always loved this picture.  I think she somehow projected an image of "family" onto that picture that really skewed the reality of  the situation.  She's sent me that picture many times.

As a side note, that picture (or rather, NM's feelings about it) irritates me.   I have gotten the feeling in the past that NM somehow projects her mother onto me.  That somewhere, in NM's deluded mind, she has overlapped the two of us.  For one, I think that my NM has always used me to fill spaces in herself that her mother should have.  She used me to care for her, fill her up, give her the unconditional love that she didn't get from her mom.  And when I can't (or won't) live up to those expectations, her anger at her mother, and her feelings of abandonment by her mother, are also projected onto me.  It really frustrates me as she seems to see us in such an overlap, like she has enmeshed me and grandma so much in her mind that we are interchangeable.   And so, when I "reject" her, all that anger comes pouring back at me.  She loves to tell me how much I remind her of her mother....and it's not because she's giving me a compliment, although she acts like she is.

So, anyway, this picture was labeled with the comment "just having one of those miss my mom days".   Good God, spare me.  These kinds of comments put me in such an uncomfortable position.  Ignore it, and I'm ignoring MY mother's pain at losing HER mother.  Respond to it, and I'm not only feeding her need for attention, but I'm also playing into her bullshit false memories that NM has created of her mom.

See, NOW,  NM seems to remember her mother as a good, kind, supportive mom.  On the five year anniversary of her death (a few months back), NM posted on FB a paragraph discussing all the wonderful things she misses about her mom.  Now, while the actual examples are (mostly) true things she did like about her mom, it creates a false impression.  These five (or so) memories are so horrible out balanced by the BILLIONS of shitty things grandma was as a mom.   NM going on about how she "wishes (she) could call (her mom) to just chat or get support" about made me want to vomit.  When the hell did that happen?  Never.  She created an image (and posted it for everyone to see) of a mother that was completely fictitious.  Every year on the anniversary of grandma's death, or the anniversary of grandma's birthday, NM makes a big production about missing her mom (these anniversaries are months apart during the holiday season, so she usually drags it out between the two.)  She posts things on FB about wanting "just one more conversation" with her mom.  How a mother's love never dies. Just. so. much. bullshit.  It's often hard to even look at, as it is so phony and fake.  Plus, NM uses this "grief" to try and bully me into things: visits, attention from me and my kids, putting my holidays on hold to work around her (because "this time of year is so hard for me since grandma died").

Seriously, sometimes I really feel like I could vomit over it all.  And yes, I know, she is doing it for attention.  Clearly.  So, I try to give her as little attention as I can when she behaves like this.

But what I don't get is that she actually seems to believe this shit.  And I can't figure out why.  Is it to somehow lay guilt at me so that I remember she could die any day and give into her demands?  I know that's part of it.  She loves to post things about "acknowledging people when they are here because you'll miss your mom someday."  Is she trying to construct a new reality in order to deal with the mother she never had?  Is it somewhat easier to completely make up a new mom, now that her mom isn't here to actually contradict her concocted version?  Is she just really that diluted and mentally ill that she believes her own shit?  Is it because she's never really worked through her feelings about her mom?  She always seemed to have a pretty clear view of who her mom was (she never acted or stated that she thought grandma was a good mom when she was alive.  In fact, like I said above, it was quite the opposite).  How can she create this false mom now?  It often makes me wonder just how fucked in the head she is.

Another reason I ask is because I want to make sure I resolve all my issues with my NM now.   I have no delusions anymore than NM is going to be the mom I need.  It was a LONG, HARD process of grieving for her.  I can remember, when I first started writing this blog and someone told me that my mother clearly doesn't love me.  I remember looking in the mirror, brushing my teeth, and breaking down in sobs.   She had to love me, right?  To get to the point of understanding that she never loved me like a mother should (that she would chuck me under the bus at a moment's notice to save her own ass) as a fucking ordeal.  But I feel I'm making peace with it.  And I can't imagine that I'm going to be devastated when she dies (man, that's a hard thing to write).

NM is getting older (but far from old).  Am I going to miss her if something happens to her?  She always threatens me that I will.  What can I do to prevent myself from becoming deluded like NM and making a saint out of someone who clearly wasn't?  Am  I going to regret this emotional distance I've created from her?  I don't at the moment.  Accepting that she can not support me, can not be trusted with my thoughts, feelings, and details of my life, keeping her at arm's length has giving me a degree of peace I've never felt before.  But when I watch Nm behave like she is and....well, it freaks me the hell out.