Depressions Shadow

A friend told me last week about "living in the shadow of depression."

Lately, I've been living in NM's shadow.  It started around February, when she started hassling me to come visit.  As usual, she had to create issues and try to impose herself into "family" situations, instead of arranging a visit that would work for both of us. 

During the visit, NM created a situation in which she offered to "exchange secrets" with my son and not "tell on him" for breaking a lamp (in exchange, she told him that he couldn't say that she'd accidentally let him see some gifts I had stashed away for him for Valentine's Day.)  She felt like they were bonding.  I felt like she'd taught him to not tell someone when he'd done something wrong, as long as he "fixed" it.  That it was OK to keep secrets from his parents and to exchange secrets.  This bothered me IMMENSELY.  And I made sure to address it. 

Then, NM drummed up some drama over my sister.  See this post for details on this situation.  Basically, NM whined and cried about how our estrangement is so hard on HER.  She gave little sympathy to me.  She often has been insensitive and unfair, detailing my sister's life to me and refusing to allow me space from NSIS by constantly talking about her to me. 

Also, during this time, NM seized on a situation to try and "cement" a bond with my younger son by coming to his "rescue" when he was upset over a lost toy.  She did this by sending alternative toys for him, hoping he'd pick one and she'd be the hero. She had not real concern for my son, or me, or how we were dealing with things.  She had no confidence in me, as his mother, to deal with the problem.  She never asked about my son or how he was doing, but kept sending things and telling me how hard the situation was on HER.   Also, in the process, she purposely left out giving toys to my older son, and in the second "shipment" sent him only a pair of pants.  He is still in preschool and was, in my mind, understandably hurt.

My older son was NM's obsession when he was born.  Seriously.  She over bought, over spent, and over did everything, despite my protests (and then I just started putting things directly into a donation box.)  She was completely over indulgent (material wise) and was desperate to be important to my son.  She way over did things.  And she actually had all of his love.  If it was his love she wanted, she didn't need to look for it, or buy it, or coerce it.  She just had to accept it.  And she didn't. 

When he got older, and my younger son was born, OS began to fall out of favor.  She started to create situations in which she could then "correct" him (showing him tons of toys and then chastising him for being greedy when he pointed out a bunch of things he liked.  He was three or four at the time.  Another time, he was upset I was leaving the house for a few minutes.  NM "misheard" him say something negative to me and tried to reprimand him for that.).  It seemed that he was being pushed out of NM's "heart" to make room for my "new and improved" source of NS for her,  my younger son.  You could almost see NM trying to find reasons to favor my younger son.

When she sent the first box, with extra stuff for my younger son, I talked about it with my OS and let it go.  When it happened again, I addressed NM about it.  She told me it "figured he'd keep track."  As if it was my son's fault for noticing she was being unfair.  She laughed it off. 

It was so disturbing to me that she would slight one kid in order to make the other feel "special".  Not only did it not make my younger son special, but it made him feel bad.  It created a bad feeling around the situation.  It should me that, in NM's warped brain, it order to "feel special" someone else has to feel "less special".  Or not special at all. 

NM kept chalking it up to feeling "badly" for my younger son.  And just wanting him to have "special grandparent moments".  Really, she just likes the NS from my younger son.  He's still a toddler, still little, still squishy.  My older son has started to develop that pesky individual personality that NM seems to loathe.  The whole thing smacks of my childhood.  Treating me less, in order to make my sister feel special.  Offering me up things and then criticizing me for taking them.  Favoring one of the other and creating jealousy and resentment.  Not being fair, but always making the appearance of being fair.  In NM's mind she IS being fair to my OS, because he "got stuff too" when he was YS's age.   It doesn't occur to her, that at 5 years old, he should still expect to "get stuff too".  That he shouldn't be denied, so that NM can pretend my YS is an only child.

NM, a few days ago, snuck in another dig.  I'd told her a story (the ONE time I've talked to her on the phone in the last six months.  And in trying to change the subject, I told her an endearing story about my YS).  After the phone call, I got SIX more texts from NM (I had been pushing to get off the phone.  She later said she was "sorry to get off the phone early" and so was continuing the conversation.  In one text, she told me "your stepfather loves OS, but he has a real soft spot for YS."  WTF!!!?!  How am I suppose to take that, especially as his mother.  She doesn't seem to understand (or maybe she does) that she's basically saying they like YS better.  (And again, it would never be OK to favor one, but YS is favored purely because he's still little and not a threat to NM's fragile ego yet.)

Last night, NM started up again, trying to push for ideas for my YS's birthday.  In our phone call the other day, she had been so negative, so bitter, so gossipy.  She made some comment about how she "couldn't spend all her leisure time being a grandma" and so appreciated ideas for his birthday.  I tried to remember that, in the end, this was about my son, so if I could offer up a few ideas, so be it.  She then created drama by purposefully being vague about what she was getting (and since I had something similar or the same, I was trying to get out of her what she was getting).  I was already annoyed when she emailed "Of course, I'm sure OS will get his nose out of joint about" YS getting the gift.  She said she "felt bad" because YS doesn't get the same amount.  She wished she "could have more one on one time" with YS.  Again, she clearly doesn't get my point about being fair.  I came unglued.  I was so pissed off by this point.  How dare she AGAIN criticize my son for situations that SHE is creating.  I told her that she was unfair.  That she was not being equal.  I told her to knock it off. 

I woke up this morning to a message that completely dogged the point.  She somehow whined about "how much harder" it is to be fair as a grandmother than mother (REALLY?!  Because I don't remember her being fair at all.  And this was the NM who, just weeks ago, was lamenting all of the horrible things she did to drive a wedge between NSis and me.  Unfairness would be up at the top of that list.)  She blamed it on my stepsiblings being competitive and jealous and that she was "projecting" that on to us.  But she "had to stop and tell myself that we don't do that."  WE?!  I'm at a loss here.  She said that she "appreciated the feedback".  Like I'm giving her directions on the job.  And that she often doesn't know when she's "not being fair".  Well, considering this is the fucking third or fourth conversation about it, you'd think she'd get it by now. 

I'm so over it.