Lonely in a Crowded Room

I'm feeling desperately lonely and depressed lately.  I just can't seem to shake it.  I feel at any moment I could burst into tears.  So, I finally allowed myself a nice hot shower today, away from the kids, hoping to just wretch it all out.  But nothing came.  I feel blocked, or numb, or walled up.  I'm trying so hard to figure out what in the hell I'm feeling, but I can't even stumble on what to call it.

It's interfering with my life.  I've been an awful, irritable wife lately.  I'm crabby and bitchy.  One of my fleas, given to me by my mother, is that I can be critical.  For no reason at all.  Just spit out snarky comments, finding negative things to say about my DH.  Most of the time, I've reigned them in, managed to keep them in my head and not spit them out.  But a few have escaped.  And then I feel even more awful.  Because I don't mean any of them.

I'm short with my children.  They can feel my grouchiness and fatigue and stress.  It shows up most with my oldest son.  And he mirrors it back to me with his own grouchiness and short temper.  I wake up with desperate anxiety that they are growing too fast, that I'm missing out on creating memories, that I am being swallowed up by time.  And when I waste precious moments with sadness and temper, I hate myself.

I have told two of my close friends that I am struggling.  One ignored me.  The other sad, oh, that's too bad, hopefully we can get together after the holidays.   My husband tells me that lots of people care for me.  I think they enjoy having me in their corner, playing their cheerleader, being their in a pinch, supporting them, being an armchair therapist and sounding board.  But when I turn around, not one of them is in my corner.  I'm a bucket with a hole in the bottom.  And no fresh water to fill me up.

Another friend stopped by recently.  He talked to me and my husband about how two of our other friends are struggling.  How he hoped we could reach out.  Help push one friend into therapy.  I was a bit amazed.  How he could so easily see these other people's pain, yet as I sat in front of him, he saw nothing.

Few people do.  Maybe I'm just that good at hiding it.  Maybe they don't want to see it.  I think it's a little of both.  

We weren't invited to a friend's Christmas party the other day.  DH had been excited about it, and I think it upset him when I pointed out that we weren't invited.  He (and another friend) were sure that there was a mistake, but as it dawned on him that we were probably left out, I felt he was sad.  Although he's not blaming me, I'm sure that he can't help but wonder what it is that got us left of the guest list.  I can't help but think it's me.  The hostess doesn't care for me too much.  To be honest, I don't care for her much either.  She "offered" up her opinions of me and my MIL's relationship one time, based purely on second hand facts and offered me up an scolding in the end.  Without ever ONCE learning about my side of the story.  Not that I would've told her anyway.  It was none of her business.  Anyway,  I find her constant pushy opinions off putting.  Regardless, they like my DH (and we are all technically family), so I was saddened by it all.  I sometimes feel like an anchor weighing my husband down.

He's a social butterfly.  He loves people and going out and talking to others.  I'm a bit more reserved.  And I know that my recent concentration on expecting others to treat us well has pointed out some huge gaps in our friendships.   I know that sometimes he gets angry at the messenger, instead of the assholes that haven't been real friends this whole time.

I worry that I will fail my kids, not teaching them how to have good friendships.  I worry that they will be lonely too.  That my recent crusade is keeping them from other friends and family and isolating us.

I want so desperately to enjoy this time of year.  My kids are so excited.  I actually completed a lot of my holiday prep.  So, I'm just left to sit around and think.  And it's not been too good for me lately.