Another Long Weekend

When my mother came for my son's birthday in May, it ended horribly.  She picked fights with me until I final stood up to her and stopped her.   I told her that if she wanted any kind of relationship with me, she needed to stop condescending me and treat me as an adult.  She even tried to rope my husband into the situation, telling him (after I left the room but could still her here) that what I was "doing wasn't right".  I'm assuming "what (I) was doing" was being NC with my sister and that most of the reason she was picking the fight with me was so that she could yell at me about being NC with my (forever-in-chaos) sister.  I'm not so sure she really cares that I'm NC with my sister, other than dealing with my sisters drama falls mostly on her.  Oh, and it looks bad.  Oh, and it probably leaves her at a disadvantage when trying to triangulate.  Among other things.
After she left, she "reached out" to me several times trying to get me to mend the relationship to "what it used to be".  (She clearly is trying to label our relationship as good "before", but she knows damn well, it's never been good.  I just kept myself quite and never fought back, so it was "good" for her.  Not me.)  I finally responded that our relationship needed some serious work and that it would take time and effort.  She agreed.  And then I didn't hear from her again for three months (except once, when she caught wind that I was on vacation and demanded to know where I was).  She started playing games again with me about a month ago.  NM is a very tit for tat kind of person, so because she believes I am withholding or ignoring her or not "reaching out", she behaves the same way to me.  So, she would ask me questions and then not respond for awhile.  She pulled out a fabricated story that she uses every. single. time, she comes to visit.  She demands to know what the plans are, as she claims that work is "so busy" (and she's always about to be "let go" so she has to be careful.  She's worked for the same company for 35 years) and that "other coworkers are looking to take time off".  You'd think she'd remember the bullshit she tells me every time, but no.  Anyway, she went back and forth, telling me she would get a hotel (which I had hoped) but then asked at the last moment to stay here.
Now, before anyone criticizes, I know, I know.  I know that was a bad decision to allow her here.  I know I should (probably) be NC.  I know all of the things I should be doing.  However, I did it because my kids already know something is up.  They also know that grandma has been less than welcome and we've had very limited contact.  They have been upset by this.  They also miss my step father, who is (mostly) a very nice man and grandfather to them.   I feel that I have gone into extreme LC with her and that I could handle a day and a half of her being here, especially with SD (step dad) here (he tends to keep her in check a bit.  One of the problems with the last trip was that he didn't come.  So, she got drunk and started picking fights.  Also, my husband does not want to go NC, with either my FOO or his NFOO.  He feels my kids will resent not having grandparents and I struggle with that thought.

I have done a lot of work and I did feel a whole lot less anxious about the whole thing (in addition to NM, I also have to deal with NMIL during this weekend.  She also likes to stir up drama.  I also have a SIL who likes to create drama too and always "complicates" the birthday parties.  She is always late, or doesn't show, or one time, stomped off in a fit because she was angry with my BIL.)  My husband's been gone a lot for work and life has been hectic, and so I was surprised at how calm I was remaining.

And then, NM showed up over an hour earlier than she normally would.  And the weekend started.  So, here are some highlights:

*As I said, she should up early.  This is typical NM, to try and throw me off balance.  I've had her sneak around my home and knock on my living room windows (as I was nursing my baby-openly- and with SD in tow) in order to "surprise me".  She thinks it's funny to throw people curve balls and laughs gleefully.  She knows my son doesn't get home from school until later in the afternoon and my husband works, but she showed up at 3:30.  I was not done cleaning (and was upset) so I said a breezy hello and said "oops!  I was just finishing vacuuming! I'll be with you in a minute."  I hadn't had a chance to get my son settled from school, I hadn't had a moment to do some calming exercises, like I'd hoped.  And I know she did it on purpose.  She always at least calls when she gets into town, but not this time.  So, it doesn't start well.

* I continue vacuuming, calming myself and regrouping.  When I go to say hello (she and SD huddled back into my kids rooms, which I wasn't happy about.  I had also hoped to have my son straighten his room after school, but no such luck.)  she was gone.  It had been, maybe, 10 minutes.  I talked briefly to stepdad, apologizing for not being ready and not expecting them early.  His reaction told me he also knew she was trying to screw with me.  (NM's vengeful side and her get-even-nature, are well known to both me and SD.)  Because I couldn't find her, I went out into the garage to go outside and gather some tarps I'd had out, but hadn't had a chance to put away.  As I came around the corner, she jumped.  There she was, on the phone.....with my sister.  I was pissed immediately.  She used to do this to me, before we went NC.  She'd have my sister on the phone as she walked in the door of my house, describing me, my home, what I had going on....before she even said hello.  She used to claim my sister was "jealous" of her spending time with me and "always" called right as she was pulling in.  I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now.  I think it is so ridiculous that she needed to be on the phone with my sister.  I'm sure she was crying about how I hadn't greeted her like she wanted.  (Also, in May when she was here, she also used this phone trick to stir up drama.  She kept jumping up to check her phone -making a big scene - or checking her iphone watch.  Then, tons of huffing and blowing and sighing.  Every time we went to do anything, there was a "sudden" emergency text.  She claimed my aunt was having some problem with my cousin and was demanding support.  I ended up peeking at her phone....which she left open to the messages....when she set it down and found out SHE was texting my aunt and asking how it was all going.  My aunt kept telling her not to worry and enjoy her weekend.)

*NM spends several minutes talking on the phone to my sister, going around the corner of the garage so I can't here her.  She then comes in, but I'm now starting to cook cupcakes (which I had needed to do and since she was busy....).  She hasn't come to say hello at all.  When I go looking for her (again, another 10 minutes later), she's got my older son outside.  I watch from the window as he tries to show her some of his soccer footwork.  She's scrolling on her fucking phone.  I'm annoyed that, this boy whom she claims is so damn important is trying to show her something and she's ignoring him.  And she's only been here 20 minutes.  So, I open the door and tell him he needs to come do his homework.  She starts paying attention.  He comes in (after smarting off.  He tends to smart off, mostly, when she is around) and I ask him who grandma was talking to (I know, I shouldn't put him in the middle, but I wanted to know if he knew).  Of course he knew.  "Auntie Drama.  (NM) said my moves were so good that she videotaped her and sent them to auntie."  Now I'm really pissed.  My sister has only marginally (at best) paid any attention to my kids.  She forgets their birthdays.  She rarely sends gifts or spent time with them before NC.  I had to take both of my kids to meet HER, not the other way around.  She is jealous of the attention they receive from me.  She is a horrible influence around them and sets bad examples (swearing profusely, drinking, complaining endlessly if she has to do too many "kid" centered thing, being vulgar and exposing them to vulgar things, along with her abusive boyfriend.  She wanted to bring her abusive boyfriend to meet me for the first time....and stay in my home for days...immediately after my C-section with my second son.  When I said no, she refused to come).  She few times she saw my kids, she paid attention to them for a limited amount of time and then grew bored and went back to drawing attention to herself.  She has never expressed any genuine interest in my kids (my youngest, 5, she's only met once at 2 months.  He was a year and a half old when I went NC).  I felt it was such a violation that NM would send a video of my kids to her.  I felt that it crossed big boundaries.  I felt that NM was placing my sister's wants over mine.  I felt she was using my son and manipulating him into thinking my sister actually gives a shit about him.  (NM wants everyone to think well of my sister).

*So, I go back to the cupcakes and son goes downstairs to play with his brother, SD, and NM.  I come down a few minutes later and she won't look at me.  She does not say hello or greet me at all.  I had tried to be friendly (but disconnected) as I came down to say hello, but she blatantly wouldn't look at me.  As I watch the game, I notice she is starting to bristle at my older son.  He used to be her "everything" but when he turned 5, she started to lash out at him.  She would do things to put him in his place and often projected negative characteristics onto him (i.e. that he was greedy, or selfish, or mean, or stubborn, or controlling, or rigid).  My son is very independent.  And he can, on occasion, be bossy.  But he's also a good leader (that is the word his teachers repeatedly use).  He is polite, but definitely doesn't allow people to walk on him.  He is not passive and a follower, which bugs the shit out of NM.  He is not obedient ("disrespectful" in her terms) and she hates that she can't control him.  So, she creates situations in which she can then chastise him for being "greedy" or "mean".  But she does it very, very covertly.  She once sent a package loaded with gifts for his little brother and light on gifts for him (after she got in trouble with me for her convincing him to keep a secret from me) and when I pointed it out that he noticed, she snorted and said "figures he'd keep track!" as if he was being petty and ungrateful.  He was 5 at the time.
Anyway, as I watch the game, she clearly has it in his mind that he's trying to win the game and is shifting things in his favor.  (She also favors my little son and so is overprotective).  In reality, he has noticed the shift of her attention and the favoritism, and he's really just trying to get her attention by winning and showing them how smart he is.  Especially since it's "his" birthday weekend (and NM had told him that little son got more attention last time, as it was his birthday) he just wanted to impress them.  But he wasn't playing outside the rules and, I felt, he was actually being pretty kind to his little brother.  But NM started snorting and implying he was cheating giving him a disdainful evil eye.  (Later, when he accused her of changing up the rules to favor his little brother, she retorted with "you're a cheater!!"  I wasn't in the immediate vicinity to intervene, but called my son to come upstairs and help me.)
It really bothers me that she sets my son up like this.  On her last day here, she came up, smuggly laughing that my son "doesn't like that I challenge his way of doing things".  Firstly, she is not "challenging" him.  She's pulling rank, as an adult, and telling him he can't do things as he sees.   She doesn't negotiate or discuss it with him, she just antagonizes him.  Her goal seems to be to "put him in his place" (she loves to put people "in their place") or "take him down a peg" (another phrase she loves).  And even if, even if, she felt his behavior was unacceptable, it is not up to HER to correct his character.  (I will add, she has something negative to say about damn near every one of her grand kids or grand nieces/nephews.  She is highly critical.  It is hard for me, as my son is a very assertive kid and her criticism stings.  But none, NONE, of his variety of teachers or coaches or friends' parents have ever characterized him in such a negative way.  Most have nothing but positive things to say about him.)  I really wish I would have said "why do you feel you need to challenge him?"  I wish I would have stood up for him.  But I didn't.  She was set to leave and wouldn't be around him much anymore (I did try and keep him distanced from her as much as possible, with lots of activities or with alone time with SD, whom my kids love to hang out with.)  I knew she was laying in wait for something to latch on to and pick a fight.  So, I bit my tongue and walked away not saying anything.
Several other times, my son came up crying.  Once, he claimed that they wouldn't let him play (she wouldn't.  When he tried to join in, she grabbed him and held him from playing.)  Another time, she changed the rules on a football game (and is an avid football fan, so she knows the rules) so that he couldn't score or make plays (she was again holding on to him).  I felt so badly for him.  But....and maybe this is horrible....but I thought they were very mild examples showing him that grandma isn't this loving, wonderful woman he convinces himself she is (he gets very upset when I explain that grandma is a bully and can be mean and that's why we don't see her as much or go visit her.  He claims he loves her and seems to forget the nasty things she does in favor of remembering the good.)  Since my DH doesn't see NC as an option, I feel that letting him see bits and pieces of her nasty side and agreeing with him that it's not right and I'm sorry that she acts like that, helps him to protect himself.  It helps him to see that, just because someone buys you off, it doesn't mean they "love" you or are "nice" to you.  But maybe I'm wrong.  I'm just trying to work with what I've got at the moment. Everyone I've talked to says that I can't "control" their relationship or his perceptions of her.  That I can't "disparage" her.  And he repeatedly gets angry with me when I've told him that I am keeping her at a distance for his own well-being because he only had the doting, "loving" grandma for so long.
I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong.  I struggle with what to do.  In any event, my son distanced himself from her the rest of the weekend.  She tried, the last day, to say "come see me!  I haven't hardly seen you and spent any time with you!"  But by this time, he was over her (and all she wanted was to cuddle him physically, which is not something he enjoys).

*As far as my younger son (who is 5 and a lot more cuddly), she took every opportunity to cuddle him (even running up to put him back in bed over and over.  She knows I do not like this, but she did it anyway.  And by the last time, I was sick of arguing with her.  She made a big deal the next day about how she slept with him and how much that made him happy and go to sleep.  BLECH.)  She likes to put on this cartoon-ish personality around little kids.  It's not a pleasant personality, but is cloying and ridiculous.  She often likes to dance around, squeak and make little stupid noises that drive me crazy, but gets a little kids attention.  She likes to see them think she is funny and pay attention to her "performances".  It is obnoxious, at the least.  However, my son does see through her a bit and tends to stick with SD.   But she revels in any attention he gives her.

*She can't stand to be told what to do and acts like a child if I ask her to be on time for anything.  We had to be to the kids' soccer games on time and she suddenly couldn't get herself together to get in the car (despite being told what time we were leaving).  When we got there, she spends time dawdling, putting on her coat and then sllllloooowwwwly walking to the game while holding youngest's hand (I wanted to smack her).

*She basically kept her distance from me.  We both seemed to be practicing "medium chill" or "grey rock".  She only asked me ONE question about myself and that was right before she left.  She works in human resources, so she puts on her "human resources" persona around me.  When I tried to tell her bits about the vacation that she demanded to know I was on (and demanded pictures), she gave only vague, blah responses.  I could see her simmering, but she remained cool and aloof. She left without saying "I love your" or any of the other responses she usually says, which is fine with me.

*My husband got a new job.  She asked him tons of questions about it and it was clear she wanted him to like his new job.  Not for his sake, but because she thinks it's prestigious and will make him more money.  When I told her, back in May, that I was struggling and things were hard for me (as my husband was traveling a ton more and it was upsetting to the kids) she said "I'm sure, but I'm really excited for DH."  I guess her excitement trumps my struggles.  Not once, all summer, nor on this visit, did she ask how me or the kids are handling this.

*While she was here, she asked to post on photo on FB.  I said fine (she kept trying to shove all of the photos she took in my face, but I responded distantly).  She posted not one, but THREE.  She asked if she could post photos from soccer.   I said no.  I also said it's against league policy, as there are other kids there.  She said "OK" and then sent me the same photos....twice.  When I didn't respond, she made up a cloying post about "missing" the kids and posted the photos (although she did crop out the other kids, so she was "technically" following my direction.).

For my part, I felt that I handled her reasonably well.  She did not rile me up.  She did not get to me.  Sure she hurt me at times, but it didn't cut me that deeply and I was able to recover.  Anytime she tried to direct things to herself, I ignored her.  I spent a lot of time talking to SD (who was very nice).  I maintained grey rock.

But it still wore me completely out.  I've had an emotional hangover for two days now.  I am ruminating about the situation with my older son, wishing I'd said something, but not wanting to give her fuel to start an argument.  I feel very alone and without support, as my husband doesn't seem to get how difficult this is for me.  (He is very contradictory about how I should deal with difficult situations and I find that frustrating).  I am very sad and have been grieving a lot.  I'm feeling a bit depressed.  But I'm trying to find my way through it.  I don't know if any of this is progress or not.  I guess we'll see.

Changes with NM

So.  NM.  Was it better.  No, not particularly.   Did she get to me?  No, not particularly.

I'm getting to the point where I've pretty much emotionally detached from her.  I don't feel this aching need for her to get me or understand me or validate me.  I'm unwilling to accept any sort of "love" or "caring" from her, as I know it isn't real (or is fleeting).  She doesn't work me up (as much) emotionally.  Sure, she's still annoying as hell, but I'm don't get overworked and over raw around her.  I've learned to LEAVE the scene when I can't take anymore (I disappeared for chunks of time over the weekend.  She only came "looking" for me once.   I did not allow her to amp up the drama.)

It's interesting watching her from a much more distance, unemotional place.  She is. such. a. child.   It's amazing to me the many ways this woman can bring things back to herself.  I mention I'm not thrilled with my son's kindergarten teacher.  "OH!  Not like YOUR kindergarten teacher, huh!"  She seems to take personal responsibility for my teacher, like she GIFTED the woman to me.  She also did this with when I mentioned my sons doctors and how I was switching.  She completely MISSED the points I was trying to make and never asked WHY I was switching or felt uneasy with the teacher.   In the past, this would've made me feel invalidated and angry.  But this time, shrug.  I told her that I had little memory of either of these people, which annoyed her. 

Every conversation turns around to what she would do, how she did it, or what it was like when I was a kid (because, apparently, I can't remember how SHE did things as a mom).  Everything is said in a way that clues me in that she believes she's giving advice.  Propping herself up.  Patting herself on the back.  I rarely begin conversations at all because she doesn't listen and will tune into her phone or the kids.  This used to annoy me too, but now I just say "Are you listening?"  When she nods and "ummm hummm" I say "no you're not".   Then, I stop the conversation.  Even if she tells me to continue.  Nope, you had your chance.  It gets tiring listening to her was poetic about herself, disguising it as conversation. 

She also demands TONS of attention.  She gets pissy and complains if the kids spend too much time with her husband.  But then she gets pissy and complains when OS takes up "too much" of her attention.  Or puts demands on her.  Once, when the kids and I asked her to come outside and look at something, she purposely procrastinated.  In the past, I would've fumed.  This time, when OS complained that she wasn't coming, I said "Do you know the kids are waitng for you?" and then to my son "I guess she's not interested."  She likes to be asked to do things and then to stall.  I'll have to remember this in the future.  She keeps bringing up people no one cares about and making huge announcements about what is going on (her coworker's daughter was getting married and NM was very involved in the drama, texting for updates and then expecting our rapt attention as she discussed it.)  She kept bring up the same trivial bullshit over and over (SD!  I'm so worried about the weather and we may not be able to camp out next weekend.  She brought this up every day and stressed over the weather report.  She made us go shopping for camping equipment.  It would really be comical how she demands so much attention if it wasn't so annoying).

She's also profoundly negative.  How she describes things, even when not intending to be a bitch, comes out pissy.  For example, DH and stepdad were going to go somewhere and NM asked "Or will OS throw a fit because he can't go."  It's the "throw a fit" part that gets me.  It's an awful negative characterization by my standards.   When we were leaving for OS's game, she came up and started nagging Stepdad (SD) , saying "Do you still have to brush your teeth?!?  Well you better get going!!! We are leaving soon!!"  Then she stood there patting herself on the back (out loud) for "taking the reins".  She went on and on about how she had to lord over stepdad and keep him on track (which is untrue.  SD is very considerate and (mostly) thoughtful (he has been known to pout) and always is ready on time.  The whole situation was very emasculating for SD, in my opinion, and NM would not let it go.  She gets this gleeful expression when she does stuff like this and thinks she's being 'strong" and "in charge" and hides it behind the fact that "he's being rude and inconsiderate of Jessie and DH".  Lots and lots of shaming go on around her.  I've learned to ignore her when she does this or walk away.  Before she'd try and haul me into participating, but I ignore it.   Interestingly, since I've begun to stand up to NM, my relationship with SD has improved.  His much kinder, no longer snarks at me, and seems considerate and interested in me.  (Side note, my father and I's relationship has also improved once I removed myself from all of the drama with my sister.)  I assumed SD would attack me for taking on NM, but he seems to be grateful for it. 

I also notice that NM requires CONSTANT validation.  She forces people to agree with what she says.  For example "I also do such and such, don't I SD, don't I!"  It's not a question.  Poor SD always just nods.  It's like watching her use him as a mirror in real time.  She says something and then forces "the mirror" to reflect it back by agreeing with her.  I quit doing this too.  I either ignore her questions, or give a contrary opinion.  Not to piss her off, but because that's how I feel. 

She also is quite contradictory, speaking out of both sides of her ass.   In the midst of a conversation she said that she "likes having my kids grown and gone.  I like my life and having it to myself. I don't want to go back to parenting and take care of kids all of the time."  And then two seconds later she talked about how she would drop everything to care for her grandsons all of the time. 

After the soccer game, NM knew I was upset.  I decided to let her see how I was feeling.  (I know TW, don't kill me.)  I had no expectations of validation, gave no information that would make me vulnerable, but (factually) explained what bothers me and express the appropriate emotions with it.    I'm sick and tired of either hiding my emotions or pretending it's OK.   I know that this opens NM up with information, but I don't care.  She already had the information and could clearly see what was going on.  I expressed how ANGRY I was with MIL at the game.   I didn't allow NM to comfort me (I pushed off all hugs she tried to give me.  Fuck that.  And some hug from NM wasn't going to wipe away my emotions.  I actually think showing her my emotions bothers her.  Another reason I don't mind not hiding them from her.)

The first incident the following day came when she brought up a family reunion she wants to plan with her FOO.  This FOO of is VERY dysfunctional, not close and has rarely gotten together.  Plus, NM wants NSIS to be there.  She asked what I thought, all bubbly and excited.  I said "good luck with that.  Your family doesn't seem to be the "family reunion" type."  (Plus, she's already told me that they were struggling to agree on doing it.  No one wanted to take it on....because no one really wants to do it.  I'm sure they think it sounds as uncomfortable and fraught with tension as I do.)  This pissed NM off and she started arguing that my perceptions were wrong.  Well, so be it.  Then, she went on and on about the plans for it.  I ignored it and finally turned my back.  (I was making cupcakes at the time, and one batch came out completely wonky.  The first ones were good, but the last few I'd completely messed up.  I told DH you could see the evolution of the conversation in those cupcakes.)  This pissed her off more and she bustled outside to make a phone call.  I'm guessing to NSIS (who the fuck else would she call.  She has no friends and has no one she needed to call. )  She never said who she was talking to, but was out there for an half an hour (she also used to do this, calling me when frustrated while visiting NSIS, so it's a habit for her).   I'll admit, it pissed me off.  She also used to have a habit of calling NSIS the second BEFORE she would walk into my home to visit.  She would spend the first ten minutes of a visit with us describing me, my house, and everything to my sister before she would even greet me.  I hated this.  And you can't call her on it.  She just says "aren't I allowed "me" time?!"  When the kids complain she's on her phone instead of playing she says she's "tired".  I told her last time that she always says how much she doesn't get to spend time with the kids, that it seems a shame to waste time she IS with the kids on her phone. 

The next day, she cornered me as we all prepared to go out for a walk.  She does this often to force "alone time" on me.  She calls it "mother - daughter" time when my son asks where we were (almost implying my son is being obnoxious for asking it, like he's annoyed that I got NM's attention.  Which maybe he is, he's six and likes to be played with.  But she reacts as if he's doing something selfish and uncaring. Just another example of how she her reactions are skewed in a negative way that makes the other person feel shamed.)

She kept flitting around from topic to topic.  First asking about my grandmother who is dying.  I've avoided the topic in the past, but I know she knows now.  I gave her the information I have: she's dying, I don't know when, I don't know of what type of cancer, and I don't know how she is (this is a whole other story).  NM starts in on what my she told my sister to do.  Starts pestering me about questions about my dad.  I close off.  She flits to another topic: my dad.  Asks if he came to visit this year.  I say no.  She starts to give an opinion on my father, how he should take time off, how he should visit my sister (even though she visited him instead, the first time in SEVEN years.  But of course he is expected to dance around my sister too), blah, blah.  I've been down that road.  I say "yes, I wish he visited more.  But it's his loss and I can't force him to do more than he does."  I show no emotion, I state the facts, and then I quit responding.

She says some more crap.  Then she brings up her father, an alcoholic, asshole of a man who has is spoiled and has always expected his own way.  He was a horrible father and a piss poor grandfather (he wasn't mean to us, but could care less.  He's done some kind things for me in the past, but he's not, by any stretch, a good grandfather.  I have few feelings towards him except mild kindness and duty. Note: not obligation, but duty.)  She says that he brought up that he felt like a horrible dad.  NM gets up on her soap box again (I really don't know how to explain this.  She takes this odd, mature, superior tone where she acts as if she's schooling all of us.  It's sort of like a lecture.   I suppose with her family, she is imparting wisdom, but for me, it just seems ridiculous. )  She said she told grandfather "we got both good things from you and bad things dad.  It wasn't all bad...." blah, blah.  I appreciate that she's seeing him from a continuum, but I actually feel she's glossing over the bad things.  Like she's "balancing" things out.  I do not believe that good things, balance out bad.  I'm finally able to see that my childhood DID have good things in it, that I took lessons from both my mother and father, that she wasn't awful, all the time.  But I certainly wouldn't level it out and say that it was OK.  And it seemed she was saying this all to seem superior rather than any real understanding of what she was saying.  And I couldn't stop myself.  Matter of factually, I said "but he wasn't a good dad.  You maybe have gotten a good work ethic from him, but he was a horrible father."  She sputtered.  "And he was a piss poor grandfather."  She sputtered again, regrouped and started in on her lecture again about how to "properly view parents in good and bad light" and how my grandfather blames my grandmother for all the "bad" traits in the kids.  I kept all emotion out of my voice and again said "he was not a good grandfather and she was not a good grandmother."  She stopped and then, like a switch, agreed with me.  But not because she got it, but because it gave her a moment to vent about him.   I said "he is a spoiled, selfish man who only focuses on himself. "  And then there she was back to the childish NM, bitching about how awful he is, how horrible he was, how spoiled he is.  It was rather crazy to watch in real time. 

And then DH and SD and the kids came back.  She lost "her moment".  I felt SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.  I dislike these moments of being trapped by her, but at least I am no longer afraid of them.  She can't drag me down.  I didn't respond emotionally and was able to think about things before I responded.  I also didn't allow her to feed me a lot of bullshit.  I spoke my truth.

Also, when I talked to her about MILs behavior at the party (NM FORCES me to drive with her.  She loads all of the party shit in her car before I have a chance, and when I, repeatedly tell her no, she argues.  Last time, I was able to get my way, this time I could care less.)  She told me that all the things I'd told her about MIL (I gave her very factual, concrete examples of her behavior.  In the past, I've fluttered around my feelings and have been unable to say WHY MIL bothers me so much.)  NM said "maybe I shouldn't be so nice to her tomorrow."  (I may have mentioned that NM and MIL like to pretend that they are going to be friends.)  In the car going to the party, she told me how much it bothered her to hear I'm treated like that.  (Which is crap, she's heard it all before.  And while it bothers her and she's said it bothered her before, she still makes 'nicey-nicey' with MIL.)  So, at first, NM goes on attack mode with them.  Purposely trying to be snarky to them.  Then, she tells me at one point MIL was annoying her and going off, so IN ORDER TO TRY AND DEFLECT THAT, NM pulled out her phone and started showing MIL pictures of an accomplishment in which she's being publically recognized (and lord, was I sick of hearing about that).   I thought it so messed up that NM's solution to MILs arrogance and intrusions and selfishness is just to talk about herself.  I guess she fights "fire" with "fire".    MIL, for her part, tolerates NM and politely nods and smiles her phony smile (I wish I could describe it.  It's a smile, but there is a hint of smirk in it, along with panic and anxiety and contempt).   

I find it interesting to watch how NMs reaction to them treating me badly is to talk about how it upsets HER.  But then when she can support me, she doesn't (I did tell MIL she was wrong about the theme of my son's party.  NM told MIL she had been calling it the same thing.  Thanks for the support NM!)  She kept trying to pull me in for a hug, which I resisted.    Her hugs feel like a cheap band aid and method for her to feel like she's doing something.  She said "it's OK to accept a hug."  Um, nope.  It's not, from you NM.  Because that puts me in a vulnerable position.  I can speak my truth, but I will not accept her compassion, as that puts me at risk of being hurt.  She offers no verbal support.  She offers no validation.  She offers lots of "you should just do this".   She clearly has no ability to really support someone.  I'm glad I did it.  I don't worry about retribution.  I didn't feel vulnerable to her.  Will she use this?  Most likely.  But I want her to know that she, NSIS, and everyone else aren't the only ones who are dealing with things and working through life.

Other than that, she pulled a couple messed up things with the kids.  She brings piles of presents.  And she always gives gifts of the "theme" (for example dinosaurs) to the kid who is less interested in that.  (So, for example, she'll give some dinosaur stuff to OS - who is very interested - and more to his brother.  She feels that "it's not fair for OS" to get all of that stuff -like he's "hogging" the interest or something.  Again, assigning negative intentions to harmless behaviors.)  This time, when my boys protested in front of her the unfairness (she also managed not to get right something I very specifically told her was necessary to get a specific toy.  She asks for tons of ideas but always fucks up one or two.  This isn't due to an accident.) I let them.  Before,  I would've stressed out about her thinking my kids are ungrateful.  She's going to think that regardless.  So, I let them say how they felt.  I reminded my kids later that "Grandma struggles with what is fair and doesn't understand that.  I would hope that you would express gratitude, but your feelings are valid and I understand why you would feel that way.  And you are always able to tell me how you feel."  It pisses me off she disguises these little jabs in presents. 

My OS also confronted her for calling him a brat.  He said (to DH and me) "Hey mom.  We were playing and (little brother) wanted something I didn't want to give him.  I heard grandma tell LB that I was being a brat, but she said she called me a (and damn, I can't remember what the word was but it was something that sounded like brat but was less innocuous).  NM immediately argued that she was right.  And then when she knew she'd been caught and I repeatedly told OS that that was NOT OK.  And that Grandma -and everyone -should refrain from calling names.  And that I understood why that would bother him.  Then she tried to tell me that "brat" wasn't a big deal (she and SD come from people that think calling kids "turds" "brats" "spoiled" or "babies" is OK.  MIL and FIL also feel that way.  I know some people feel it's not a big deal, but I DO.)  I immediately told her YES, it is, don't do it again.  I know it sucks -and some people will have judgement- that I allow her around my kids when she says/does this shit.  But I am proud that I've taught my sons to stand up, to confront, to call them on the bullshit and that I will support them in that.  That I will protect them from that as best I can.  (Also, NM is off babysitting duty.  She is rarely allowed alone around my kids.)  I'm trying to do the best I can (DH insists kids have access to their grandparents and that they will resent me for keeping them from their grandparents.  And OS actually really loves NM and likes her to come.   So, I sometimes feel stuck.  Plus, I can't protect them from every narcissist out there, so I hope this teaches them some tools.)  But maybe that's all rationalization and excuses.

So, that's why I called a therapist today.  I'm overwhelmed at talking to someone.  I feel afraid, for some reason.  I worry she will not believe me.  I spoke to her, briefly on the phone today.  When I said that both my mother and MIL are narcissists she, in disbelief said "BOTH of them?!"  I said yup.  She quickly regrouped and said "well, you know, that isn't actually that surprising.  I can see how that happened."  Is that a good sign or a bad sign?  I hyperventilated for an hour after making the appointment, pacing and teary-eyed.  I'm looking forward to having outside perspective, but I'm terrified of being told I'm wrong.  And that it is all me....

Checking In

A couple of months ago, my youngest son decided he wasn't going to nap.  At all.  No quiet time, nothing.  So, there went my blogging time.  That and summer's gotten busy, and I've just had not time to check in.

But, I've been overwhelmed, depressed and thought it a good time to process a few things.  I had been feeling a lot better.  I had been gaining big strides, making lots of progress.  I was experiencing much less anxiety.  I felt stronger and happier than I had in a long time (still not strong, or really all that happy, but I felt better.  I was working hard to remember that I wouldn't be "there" immediately in this process.  )

And then I got tired of dealing with it all.  Some inkling of realization that "this is reality.  They really are these difficult people and I'm really going to have to deal with them, like this, every day forever.  There will be no change, no progress, no "relationship" with them.  Because they are incapable of it.  So, I will now only be "managing" them."  That was a hard thing to come to terms with.  Since the "record plea for peace" NM has been keeping her distance.  Mostly.  That means weekly, sometimes daily, emails or texts.  Often several texts in one day (think like 10).  But mostly she's been quiet.  She did "perk up" when we went on vacation.  I avoided telling her before we left that we were going.  She found out when we were in the middle of it.  Then I got "text me when you get home" and emails about her latest argument with her husband and bugging me to let her know "how things went" and "how is the driving going".  Leave me alone. 

She's been bringing up my sister when she gets a chance.  Just throwing her in.  "Oh, you saw that.  NSIS said this about it."  Or "Oh, you're on vacation?  I just booked tickets to visit (the city Nsis lives in)." (It was a tad more subtle than this, because she linked something we were doing on vacation, to something she will also do in NSIS's town.  None the less, it was pretty obvious her point.) 

My step sister (I have two SS and two SB's -plus spouses- on my mother's side.  We have never had a relationship.  They never really cared to include us - we were on their "turf" as NM tried to "assimilate" us into their life, not vice versa.  They weren't mean, just completely ignored me and NSIS.  This got worse when NSis started acting out in high school and all family members were greatly impacted, including them.) had decided she wanted to do a "family photo shoot" HAHAHAH.  I haven't seen some of these people in YEARS and only communicate through the family Christmas card exchange, despite all living relatively close and having opportunities to see each other.  Once, this particular step sister drove across the state to attend a business conference at the resort I worked at.  It's not a big place and I was easy to find, but she never made it down the staircase to the restaurant to find me.  Anyway, she wanted a family photo shoot to "celebrate" our "parent's marriage".  Again, HAHAHA.  Not only would I have had to take vacation time to accommodate their Sunday afternoon time slot (they all live close and can travel home and back in one day), we would've had to drive 6 hours, each way, and.....BE IN A PICTURE WITH NSIS AND HER SCUZZY BOYFRIEND.  Um, no. 

Why in the world Nm even fantasized this would happen, I don't know.  I haven't spoken to NSIS in two years.  What, would we just show up and throw our arm's around each other?  The ultimate "pretend" game?  I'm sure NM thought....hoped... that we would be the reason to "finally come together" and she could take credit for the reconciliation.  But, at the same time, NM kept saying how ridiculous she thought the photo was (she dislikes SS and was angry that SS didn't think about "her children" when planning the photo.  That it's "all about SS".)

Anyway, I refused to go.  I was very proud of myself, as I didn't JADE (much).  In any course, I stayed emotionally neutral.  Even when NM pointed out that "NSIS's boyfriend is insisting they come.  He thinks it's important to support me."  HAHAHAHAH!  Oh yeah, the physically abusive, freaky boyfriend, wants to support you?  Good for you.  (And for the record, NM booked her vacation to see NSIS the weekend before the shoot was supposed to happen.  So, I know they are not going.  I'm not surprised.  NSIS hasn't been back to my mother's home in 6- SIX- years.)

So, that was that.  All this came up at my youngest son's birthday.  On that note, the party went well.  I invited people OUTSIDE of the family, and what do you know, it was mostly pleasant ;).

NM did try some of her bullshit.  We had an incident in February, in which she watched my sons for a half hour while I went out for a walk.  Later that night, NM laughingly told me, "Don't tell OS, but he knocked over  a lamp today.  I accidently showed him some of your gifts for him when getting a new light bulb for the lamp.  I told him, if he didn't tell on me to you, I wouldn't tell on him."  She told me this laughingly and thought it was hysterical.  I was sickened.  That she would BLACK MAIL my son, and then make him think he was doing a favor was disgusting.  That she would convince him that lying to me - and lying in general - was OK, as long as you don't get caught, is so messed up.  I told her in no uncertain terms that she couldn't pull that bullshit with my kid.  There was of course, retaliation for that for me, but that's another story.

Anyway, she told me "I'll babysit, and I promise, we won't have a lamp incident."  I didn't think it was funny.

She took my MIL's side several times when I was discussing some of the things that MIL had been doing to me.  She even made sure to spend extra time "bonding" (her word) with MIL and discussing getting together to "hang out" for the weekend.  Clearly, she's trying to hurt my feelings.  Completely dismissing what I've said about MIL and believing MIL is a "good person". (also despite what she's said and seen of MIL in the past.  She's only a fan of MIL when she's angry with me.)

She was OK with the kids.  She wasn't too obnoxious, except for a DAYS long pat on the back for putting my son to bed.  Making sure to retell all of the wonderful things she did to get him to sleep.  (The implication is that she was a hero for doing something I couldn't or wouldn't do.  Or that she was "saving me" from doing.)  I ignored this.

She did pick a huge political argument, although she let step father do most of the actually arguing.  She just sat, kicking my stepfather under the table and rolling her eyes whenever I was speaking (I was turned away from her, DH told me about this later.)  She's just brimming under her cool, controlled, icy exterior to get at me, it seems.  Wanting so badly to put me in my place, but being unable to and not wanting to blow her cover. 

So, aside from that, it's been quiet around her when it comes to her.  Aside from that.  It's kind of crazy to write all of that down and then think about how this is her, on "mellow".  That she's often been a lot worse (or maybe I've handled it a lot more poorly?)

SIL and BIL haven't been around much.  They're busy crafting a new personality (new looks, new attitudes, new friends.  Aside from narcissism, they seem to be having a mid-life crisis).    Even friends of their's have been complaining about them to DH about how they've just "dumped" everyone and moved on.  BUT, at least they are out of my hair for awhile.

No news on the NSIS front.  She occasional leaves a comment on my FB photos.  Or likes random comments I put up.  I'm guessing that's more to keep me on my toes.  There is no rhyme or reason.  Or maybe that's how I "appear" in her mind; random notes that float in and out of her consciousness.  I doubt she thinks about me and our situation nearly as much as I think about her.

The in-laws.   Well, I haven't seen them a lot.  That helps.  I did have an incident that triggered a bunch of feelings that  I will write about in my next post.  I've really been able to clarify my understanding of the dynamics in DH's family.  Not that the understanding helps much.  Sometimes I feel still stuck in the same trap of dysfunction with them.  No matter how much progress I make.  DH can SEE everything, but hasn't bothered to fully un-enmesh with them.  He keeps saying "yes, I see how they are, but they are family and we have to be around the."  I'm trying to get him to see that being around them doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit.  Peace at all cost.  I feel like, if I say I don't like something and they can't handle it and blow up at me, that's on THEM.  He seems to feel the opposite. 

In addition, here are a few highlights:

MIL planned a birthday party for FIL.  She is notoriously horrible at this stuff (she CAN NOT communicate with vendors and always has issues. )  She is scattered and disorganized (at a party, serving alcohol, she had NO water for people.  And nothing other than soda for the kids - she knows my kids don't drink soda, it's actually DH's rule).  She attempted several times to get DH to take over.  Thankfully, he wiggled out.  The party was OK (she avoided me) but the next day we got a lot of pressure to stop by.  When we did (I knew we were going, but DH kept telling me we weren't....and then that morning breakfast plans got cancelled and we had to go over there), I refused to go in the house because of the dog.  It was a chilly day, but not horrible, but FIL kept complaining he had to come outside (the kids were playing outside too, but he didn't care). 

At the party, my MIL got all three kids cake, except my youngest (he wasn't right by them, but close.  And she's always pushing food on the other kids.  And there was only four kids, her grandkids, so it was odd she left him out.)  She also gave the three other kids the sportsball magnets off the cake and left out my son (he's the littlest, but only by six months than his cousin.)  Again, he wasn't right there, but I think it's unfair to give all the kids one, and not him just because he wasn't standing there.  (I'd say it was coincidence too, but last summer, she gave a NEW toy to my OS - her golden boy- and nothing to my younger son - who was 2, small, but not small enough to be excluded.)

The day after the party, MIL shoved a bag of clothes she had bought for my sons (and not at HER son, who was beside her.  I'm guessing I was supposed to be thankful and give her a "point.")  True to form, most of it was unattractive.  But the kicker was that the stuff for my son was for an infant.  He was a month from THREE at the time.  But she'd bought him 12-18 months cloths.  As she shoved them at me, she told me how "cute they were"  and "such a good deal".  Way to toot your own horn MIL.

As I've written before, BIL and SIL planned a "family vacation" with MIL and FIL over the weekend of my younger son's birthday.  Nobody bothered to tell us (we all know when the parties will be each year and MIL and FIL make a big deal about being invited).    DH found out by accident.  MIL called weeks before the party, in a panic (we had purposely not told her when we scheduled it, by misfortunate, it had to be the day after they got back and they would be able to attend.) saying they would "change their flights".  Yeah, right.  Such a martyr move (I'll change my flight to come!!!!  How about just offering up a fucking apology, lady?)  She then asks DH for ideas for gifts, and is taken a back when we say we've given out all of our ideas already.

The day of the party, MIL and FIL are FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE.  I can't help but notice there absence.  And I must say I was a bit gleeful.  Finally, the f-ers were getting CAUGHT.   MIL spoke little to me but, hoofed off (she waddles like one of those "Weeble-Waddle" people when she walksand bustles past people a lot.  Huge boobs out, charging forward.) Later, as I drove home with NM, she commented on MIL being late and explained that MIL had been lost.  LIE!  MIL had just been to the party place a few months before.  It's not hard to find and it's a small area between three major roads.  So, she had to call BIL to "give her directions" (she is such a child, that she often expects her son's to help her figure out how to get places.)  And besides, 45 minutes for lost?  I live in a fairly small town, which MIL comes to about 20 weekends a year.  Anyway, MIL does not speak to me the entire time.  She continues to waddle-bustle past me, always in a "hurry".  The gift she brings for my SON, is wrapped in girly-pink wrapping paper (not that I'm all about gender appropriate, but it just so clearly showed how little she gives a shit about my son.)  DH later told me that she had explained to him that, not only were they lost, but that FIL had so busy setting up the camp trailer (they had decided to camp outside my town.) that they lost track of time.  I'm not sure wtf she was doing that impaired her from telling time, but it was all FIL's fault.  So, she LIED to my mother, covered her ass and blamed FIL (with a shifty explanation in my book) , and actually admitted, that yes, they were late due to their own poor planning.  And I didn't get an apology or an explanation at all.

She also gave both my kids money for their piggy bank.  The older son, whose not even the birthday boy, got MORE.

The next day, she and FIL come to my kids game (which the "luckily" could come to when we told them about it last minute.  They'd had the schedule of all the other games, but couldn't make those.  Not coincidentally, it was also DH's birthday.  I'm sure I was expected to invite them over afterwards, but I'd had my fill.  This is when NM decide to swoop in and "bond" with MIL, ignoring my kids' pleas to come home and play, and instead hanging out with MIL in the parking lot for half an hour.)  FIL, who is a mostly nice guy, guffawed and made jokes about the kids (5 year olds.).  It wasn't wholly in appropriate (not man jokes) but I still thought not OK.    MIL didn't talk to me the whole game, not say hi.  (I'm guessing she felt shame for not showing up at the party on time.  So, instead of apologizing and move on, she decides to be nervous and tense and act weird.)  She did manage to yell "TAG YOUR BASE" at my son (none of yell at the kids.  They are little, very little.)  I was glad they were away from me.

So, that was months ago, and I've had some peace and quiet.  After next weekend, I'll have a few more weeks of peace.  However, some issues have really clarified in my mind about my in-laws and I'll explore them in my next post.

Depressions Shadow

A friend told me last week about "living in the shadow of depression."

Lately, I've been living in NM's shadow.  It started around February, when she started hassling me to come visit.  As usual, she had to create issues and try to impose herself into "family" situations, instead of arranging a visit that would work for both of us. 

During the visit, NM created a situation in which she offered to "exchange secrets" with my son and not "tell on him" for breaking a lamp (in exchange, she told him that he couldn't say that she'd accidentally let him see some gifts I had stashed away for him for Valentine's Day.)  She felt like they were bonding.  I felt like she'd taught him to not tell someone when he'd done something wrong, as long as he "fixed" it.  That it was OK to keep secrets from his parents and to exchange secrets.  This bothered me IMMENSELY.  And I made sure to address it. 

Then, NM drummed up some drama over my sister.  See this post for details on this situation.  Basically, NM whined and cried about how our estrangement is so hard on HER.  She gave little sympathy to me.  She often has been insensitive and unfair, detailing my sister's life to me and refusing to allow me space from NSIS by constantly talking about her to me. 

Also, during this time, NM seized on a situation to try and "cement" a bond with my younger son by coming to his "rescue" when he was upset over a lost toy.  She did this by sending alternative toys for him, hoping he'd pick one and she'd be the hero. She had not real concern for my son, or me, or how we were dealing with things.  She had no confidence in me, as his mother, to deal with the problem.  She never asked about my son or how he was doing, but kept sending things and telling me how hard the situation was on HER.   Also, in the process, she purposely left out giving toys to my older son, and in the second "shipment" sent him only a pair of pants.  He is still in preschool and was, in my mind, understandably hurt.

My older son was NM's obsession when he was born.  Seriously.  She over bought, over spent, and over did everything, despite my protests (and then I just started putting things directly into a donation box.)  She was completely over indulgent (material wise) and was desperate to be important to my son.  She way over did things.  And she actually had all of his love.  If it was his love she wanted, she didn't need to look for it, or buy it, or coerce it.  She just had to accept it.  And she didn't. 

When he got older, and my younger son was born, OS began to fall out of favor.  She started to create situations in which she could then "correct" him (showing him tons of toys and then chastising him for being greedy when he pointed out a bunch of things he liked.  He was three or four at the time.  Another time, he was upset I was leaving the house for a few minutes.  NM "misheard" him say something negative to me and tried to reprimand him for that.).  It seemed that he was being pushed out of NM's "heart" to make room for my "new and improved" source of NS for her,  my younger son.  You could almost see NM trying to find reasons to favor my younger son.

When she sent the first box, with extra stuff for my younger son, I talked about it with my OS and let it go.  When it happened again, I addressed NM about it.  She told me it "figured he'd keep track."  As if it was my son's fault for noticing she was being unfair.  She laughed it off. 

It was so disturbing to me that she would slight one kid in order to make the other feel "special".  Not only did it not make my younger son special, but it made him feel bad.  It created a bad feeling around the situation.  It should me that, in NM's warped brain, it order to "feel special" someone else has to feel "less special".  Or not special at all. 

NM kept chalking it up to feeling "badly" for my younger son.  And just wanting him to have "special grandparent moments".  Really, she just likes the NS from my younger son.  He's still a toddler, still little, still squishy.  My older son has started to develop that pesky individual personality that NM seems to loathe.  The whole thing smacks of my childhood.  Treating me less, in order to make my sister feel special.  Offering me up things and then criticizing me for taking them.  Favoring one of the other and creating jealousy and resentment.  Not being fair, but always making the appearance of being fair.  In NM's mind she IS being fair to my OS, because he "got stuff too" when he was YS's age.   It doesn't occur to her, that at 5 years old, he should still expect to "get stuff too".  That he shouldn't be denied, so that NM can pretend my YS is an only child.

NM, a few days ago, snuck in another dig.  I'd told her a story (the ONE time I've talked to her on the phone in the last six months.  And in trying to change the subject, I told her an endearing story about my YS).  After the phone call, I got SIX more texts from NM (I had been pushing to get off the phone.  She later said she was "sorry to get off the phone early" and so was continuing the conversation.  In one text, she told me "your stepfather loves OS, but he has a real soft spot for YS."  WTF!!!?!  How am I suppose to take that, especially as his mother.  She doesn't seem to understand (or maybe she does) that she's basically saying they like YS better.  (And again, it would never be OK to favor one, but YS is favored purely because he's still little and not a threat to NM's fragile ego yet.)

Last night, NM started up again, trying to push for ideas for my YS's birthday.  In our phone call the other day, she had been so negative, so bitter, so gossipy.  She made some comment about how she "couldn't spend all her leisure time being a grandma" and so appreciated ideas for his birthday.  I tried to remember that, in the end, this was about my son, so if I could offer up a few ideas, so be it.  She then created drama by purposefully being vague about what she was getting (and since I had something similar or the same, I was trying to get out of her what she was getting).  I was already annoyed when she emailed "Of course, I'm sure OS will get his nose out of joint about" YS getting the gift.  She said she "felt bad" because YS doesn't get the same amount.  She wished she "could have more one on one time" with YS.  Again, she clearly doesn't get my point about being fair.  I came unglued.  I was so pissed off by this point.  How dare she AGAIN criticize my son for situations that SHE is creating.  I told her that she was unfair.  That she was not being equal.  I told her to knock it off. 

I woke up this morning to a message that completely dogged the point.  She somehow whined about "how much harder" it is to be fair as a grandmother than mother (REALLY?!  Because I don't remember her being fair at all.  And this was the NM who, just weeks ago, was lamenting all of the horrible things she did to drive a wedge between NSis and me.  Unfairness would be up at the top of that list.)  She blamed it on my stepsiblings being competitive and jealous and that she was "projecting" that on to us.  But she "had to stop and tell myself that we don't do that."  WE?!  I'm at a loss here.  She said that she "appreciated the feedback".  Like I'm giving her directions on the job.  And that she often doesn't know when she's "not being fair".  Well, considering this is the fucking third or fourth conversation about it, you'd think she'd get it by now. 

I'm so over it. 

My grandmother

It was no secret growing up that my grandmother, NM's mother, was off.  Or crazy.  Or "weird" as NM called her.  No one hid it from me and my sister.  My aunts and uncles and cousins all knew it.  We talked about it. It was sort of a family joke.   Nobody was under any delusion that she was a "normal" grandmother.

Both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town. Growing up,  I was much closer to my father's parents, although I can see now that it wasn't exactly a close relationship either.  But, compared to my mother's parents, dad's parents were the "normal" ones.   We used to drive down and visit once a month or so.  We'd spend the majority of the day at dad's parents' house and then drive over for our obligatory visit with mom's parents.  We would spend about an hour or so there and then leave.  We didn't do "family" dinners there (mom had three siblings who lived nearby or in our town.)   We didn't stay the night.  We didn't do anything with them.  We never spent more than half a day there.  I can't remember one time (although I'm sure it happened once or twice) that my grandparents visited our house.  They didn't attend school plays, or science fairs, or graduations.  Nm never left us with them or had them babysit.  On occasion, we would stay with my dad's parents.  Nm would have my sister and I go over for dinner with her parents, but we NEVER stayed there.  Ever.  As I grew older, I'd walk over and visit her if I was staying at my other grandmother's.  I can remember dragging my favorite cousin over to visit her.  He hated going.

Grandma was an odd duck to say the least and NM never tried to hide it from me.    NM always spoke of how difficult her childhood had been.  She always spoke of how weird Grandma was.  Grandma rarely left the house.  She had paranoid delusions that the neighbors were out to get her.  She spied on the neighbors.  She was a hypochondriac that always had some physical ailment or another (that the doctors could never diagnose).  She was quiet and reserved, rather pinched really, but she was always watching and observing everything you did.  She was not warm, or friendly, and rarely made an effort to actually get to know me.  She complained A LOT.  It was a family joke about how negative and full of complaint grandma was.  She wasn't educated, but she wasn't dumb.  She never worked.  She was a meticulous house keeper.  In fact, her home almost felt sterile.   I can remember, on occasion, catching glimpses of her as a "real" person and I always enjoyed that (she had a fondness for Elvis; she liked to dance). But really, she didn't seem to have a lot of depth to her personality.   She always seemed to keep herself at a distance, emotionally hidden away.   I learned later that she took a lot of valium, which would explain her sedated and lethargic speech and movements.  She showed little interest in her grandkids.  Even the ones who lived in town with her saw little of her.  They invited her endlessly to things, but she never went.  Getting her to their weddings was a small feat. 

Grandma ran away and eloped with my grandfather when she was still in high school.  NM always described grandma's relationship with her parents as good, especially with her father.  Grandma was a daddy's girl, they would tell me.  I always liked my great-grandfather, but my memories of him were of after he had a debilitating stroke, so it was hard to really gauge what he was like.  Great grandma was a little quirky, but nice.  Maybe a touch childlike if I remember correctly.    I didn't have a sense that she was not a good mother, but really, how could I know?

Grandpa was significantly older than grandma (especially considering she was still in high school).  He picked her up from school one day and they ran away and got married.  Grandpa had been raised by his two aunts, didn't really know his young, unwed mother, and didn't meet his father until he was an adult.  He was a blue color, working man, with tattoos on his arms and a drinking problem.  He was gruff and rough around the edges.  He was harsh and could be scary.  NM says that he was spoiled and babied as a child( treated almost like a doll, if you ask me).

Life as a young married couple was hard.  They were broke and grandpa was often in the bars.  Coupled with the fact that grandmother didn't like to leave the house much, life as a child in their home sounded miserable, at best.  Nm talks of lots of fights, screaming, and yelling.  Her father was brutish and scary and violent (although to what extent, I don't know.)  The family moved around a lot.  Grandma was pregnant almost immediately and was pregnant again with NM only months after delivering her first and only son.   NM talks of being poor and holes in the floors and her shoes and not having enough to eat. 

NM described her mother as cruel sometimes, taunting and teasing to get rises out of NM.  She described her as critical and mean.   She said grandmother didn't make a very good mother and NM often stepped in to do a lot of the work.  NM's older brother was the "golden boy" (NM's words, not mine) and was spoiled and coddled.  NM, as the oldest sister, took care of the family, did a lot of the housework and ran a lot of the errands outside of the house, as well as much of the childcare for her two younger sisters.  NM remembers being left outside in the car outside of  bars (in cold, snowy weather) while her parents went in to drink.  Or having to fetch her dad from the bar.  She told stories about having to walk home in snow and having to drag her "whiny" brother with her.  I always got the impression NM had to be the tough one.  She certainly likes to wear the mantle of being "strong" now....except when she's playing the victim.  When she got old enough, she started chipping in money from her job to pay the bills and paid for most of her own needs (clothes, yearbooks, pocket money).   Her mother was cold, neglectful, and distant.  She didn't seem much of a mother at all.  I often think NM married my father just to get the hell out of her parents' house. 

In many ways, I sympathize with NM.  It had to have been a horrible childhood.  She never kept details from me.   It was always out in the open and she discussed how her relationship with her mother was strained because of her childhood and I can remember feeling very sorry for her as a child.  And how fortunate I was.   I can also remember my father telling me that NM had "a bad childhood" and I remember it being said in a sort of "excuse" way whenever I was conflicted about NM. 

In her adult relationship with her mother, NM never hid the fact that her relationship was still strained and difficult.  I can remember her complaining a lot about her mother.  I can remember her not wanting to visit.   I remember her telling me that she always struggled to buy her mom a mother's day card, as there were no cards for "marginal" mothers (oh, the irony, as I stand in the card aisle looking for that same card.)  They never seemed close.  NM didn't call her a lot (and complained when she did).  She didn't depend on her mother, or look to her for support, as far as I could see.  But she continued to do her duty.  Looking after her parents.  Sending them money on occasion.  When grandmother got ill and died, NM stepped in and did the hard work and arranged medications and hospital bills and stuff like that. 

The day grandma died, I can remember how cold and stony NM was.  She made my aunt cry because she told aunt that she should quit being such a baby about it.  She had no sympathy or empathy for anyone feeling badly that day.  I don't think it even occurred to her that I might be upset at all.  She made it out like I was there to support HER, not like I was there to be part of a family mourning their matriarch (if you could call her that). 

And really,  I wasn't terribly upset.  Sure, the death of a family member is never easy.  But we had never been particularly close and she had been sick for awhile.  One thing I think I can say for NM is that, by being open and honest, she saved me from being hurt by my grandmother.  I don't remember feeling particularly sad or upset that she wasn't a "normal grandma".  I just had always understood her to be the way she was.  I had no expectations of her.  I didn't feel I missed out.  She didn't hurt my feelings.  Partially, I'm sure that had to do with grandma being of the ignoring variety of narc.  I don't really remember feeling too much of anything for her.  Maybe a small fondness?  I visited her as an adult, and didn't find the conversations horrible (as so many family members did).  I didn't feel sorry for her either.  I just remember feeling accepting of who she was: a nut case.  She sent me letters in college, filled with complaints about the neighbors, which was as much as she'd ever reached out to me.  She never got to know me.  And I always felt like I'd fulfilled any obligation I had to her. 

Standing by her coffin on the day of her funeral, my older female cousin and I were discussing her.  No one in our family is particularly close, so it was a bit of a weird moment for me to have her confide in me.  She said, tears in her eyes,  "I never really felt like I knew her.  I knew nothing about her childhood, her family.  Did you?"  Probably being a tad unsympathetic, I said, "yes, I did."  And I felt I did.  I asked her the questions I wanted, learned about her family, looked through her family photos.  I'd maintained enough of a relationship with grandma.  I didn't feel regret or loss or really anything. 

Later, that same cousin (and her mother, NM's SIL, a bit of a black sheep in the family) wrote blog posts about how upset they were that grandma hadn't involved themselves in their lives more.  How desperately they'd wished she'd participated more in their family.  How much regret and sadness they felt over it all.  At the time, I really didn't understand their feelings.  In fact, I thought it was a tad disrespectful to write a blog post about what a horrible mother and grandmother she was days after she died.  But, as time has passed, I can see how much they were needing to process.

And I've come to understand their point of view a tad bit more.  See, my aunt's mother (cousin's other grandmother) was a very involved grandmother.  She was the cookie-baking, at-all-events, help-you plan-your-wedding grandma.  They knew what it could look like.  Even though my other grandmother was better (by a LONG shot) she still wasn't that involved as a grandmother (she's a whole other story).  I really didn't know any better.  I'd had no expectations at all for my grandmother, where as, they had a whole list of things they wished my grandmother could've been.  It was an interesting revelation for me. 

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The reason I bring this all up now, is that NM sent me a truckload of emails yesterday.  She was going though old pictures on her computer and when she found one that struck her, she forwarded it to me with her comments (which sucked, by the way.  Her depressing walk down memory lane was bad enough, without forcing me to witness it.)

One of the photos was a picture of me and my grandmother, when I was an adult, chatting about grandma's flowers.  NM always loved this picture.  I think she somehow projected an image of "family" onto that picture that really skewed the reality of  the situation.  She's sent me that picture many times.

As a side note, that picture (or rather, NM's feelings about it) irritates me.   I have gotten the feeling in the past that NM somehow projects her mother onto me.  That somewhere, in NM's deluded mind, she has overlapped the two of us.  For one, I think that my NM has always used me to fill spaces in herself that her mother should have.  She used me to care for her, fill her up, give her the unconditional love that she didn't get from her mom.  And when I can't (or won't) live up to those expectations, her anger at her mother, and her feelings of abandonment by her mother, are also projected onto me.  It really frustrates me as she seems to see us in such an overlap, like she has enmeshed me and grandma so much in her mind that we are interchangeable.   And so, when I "reject" her, all that anger comes pouring back at me.  She loves to tell me how much I remind her of her mother....and it's not because she's giving me a compliment, although she acts like she is.

So, anyway, this picture was labeled with the comment "just having one of those miss my mom days".   Good God, spare me.  These kinds of comments put me in such an uncomfortable position.  Ignore it, and I'm ignoring MY mother's pain at losing HER mother.  Respond to it, and I'm not only feeding her need for attention, but I'm also playing into her bullshit false memories that NM has created of her mom.

See, NOW,  NM seems to remember her mother as a good, kind, supportive mom.  On the five year anniversary of her death (a few months back), NM posted on FB a paragraph discussing all the wonderful things she misses about her mom.  Now, while the actual examples are (mostly) true things she did like about her mom, it creates a false impression.  These five (or so) memories are so horrible out balanced by the BILLIONS of shitty things grandma was as a mom.   NM going on about how she "wishes (she) could call (her mom) to just chat or get support" about made me want to vomit.  When the hell did that happen?  Never.  She created an image (and posted it for everyone to see) of a mother that was completely fictitious.  Every year on the anniversary of grandma's death, or the anniversary of grandma's birthday, NM makes a big production about missing her mom (these anniversaries are months apart during the holiday season, so she usually drags it out between the two.)  She posts things on FB about wanting "just one more conversation" with her mom.  How a mother's love never dies. Just. so. much. bullshit.  It's often hard to even look at, as it is so phony and fake.  Plus, NM uses this "grief" to try and bully me into things: visits, attention from me and my kids, putting my holidays on hold to work around her (because "this time of year is so hard for me since grandma died").

Seriously, sometimes I really feel like I could vomit over it all.  And yes, I know, she is doing it for attention.  Clearly.  So, I try to give her as little attention as I can when she behaves like this.

But what I don't get is that she actually seems to believe this shit.  And I can't figure out why.  Is it to somehow lay guilt at me so that I remember she could die any day and give into her demands?  I know that's part of it.  She loves to post things about "acknowledging people when they are here because you'll miss your mom someday."  Is she trying to construct a new reality in order to deal with the mother she never had?  Is it somewhat easier to completely make up a new mom, now that her mom isn't here to actually contradict her concocted version?  Is she just really that diluted and mentally ill that she believes her own shit?  Is it because she's never really worked through her feelings about her mom?  She always seemed to have a pretty clear view of who her mom was (she never acted or stated that she thought grandma was a good mom when she was alive.  In fact, like I said above, it was quite the opposite).  How can she create this false mom now?  It often makes me wonder just how fucked in the head she is.

Another reason I ask is because I want to make sure I resolve all my issues with my NM now.   I have no delusions anymore than NM is going to be the mom I need.  It was a LONG, HARD process of grieving for her.  I can remember, when I first started writing this blog and someone told me that my mother clearly doesn't love me.  I remember looking in the mirror, brushing my teeth, and breaking down in sobs.   She had to love me, right?  To get to the point of understanding that she never loved me like a mother should (that she would chuck me under the bus at a moment's notice to save her own ass) as a fucking ordeal.  But I feel I'm making peace with it.  And I can't imagine that I'm going to be devastated when she dies (man, that's a hard thing to write).

NM is getting older (but far from old).  Am I going to miss her if something happens to her?  She always threatens me that I will.  What can I do to prevent myself from becoming deluded like NM and making a saint out of someone who clearly wasn't?  Am  I going to regret this emotional distance I've created from her?  I don't at the moment.  Accepting that she can not support me, can not be trusted with my thoughts, feelings, and details of my life, keeping her at arm's length has giving me a degree of peace I've never felt before.  But when I watch Nm behave like she is and....well, it freaks me the hell out.