Gifting narc supply

The holiday season is upon us.  There are so many things to "look forward" to in that respect.  Not only do we have all the stresses and challenges of "normal" people, but our FOO love to ramp up the chaos at this time too.  I've been wanting to write this post for a long time now.  I'm not exactly sure why, except maybe to get it off my chest.  Something to look at and see the patterns.  Reminders of what the hell I'm trying to get away from.

My NM makes gift giving a chore for ME.  She requires that I provide her with lists.  Registries if you will.  I am expected to provide a long list of choices ranging in style and price for all the members of my family.   She wants to "shop" from the list.  Often times, the choices I've supplied for my kids are "not special enough".  She wants for her gifts to be the best and most enjoyed gifts my kids get.  She over does it and over spends.  And even when I do provide the list, she often picks out something on her own anyway.   I hate providing the list.  Not that I mind supplying ideas.  But she requires a ton of choices.  I've told her that my kids only really want two or three things and by supplying a long list, I'm almost guaranteeing that they won't get what they really want.  Most of the ideas are extraneous stuff I've thought up to round out the list.  She also won't supply me with a price range.  "Just give me stuff in all price ranges and I'll choose what I want!" She laughs, as if I'm making it all too difficult for my own good.  She also wants an exclusive list.  She wants a list that I don't provide to my in-laws, my father, or my kids' aunts and uncles.  It is so exhausting and trying.  I finally told her recently that I would provide one list for everyone.  This annoys her.  She wants to be the one to get the gifts my kids love the most, wants to be original, wants to make it a big deal.  She just doesn't want to do any of the work.  She often tries to out do me and my husband (or worse, Santa).  Then, we are expected to have huge reactions.  And tell her how thankful we are over and over and over.  And my kids are expected to LOVE the toys, and only those toys forever.

My NSis, when she does gifts, is just as annoying.  She also demands ideas.  Then she calls me up while she's shopping and spends hours of my time discussing what she's looking at at the store.  I mean, it is for my kids after all, so I'm expected to put in my time too.  She also calls me panicked about other people's gifts.  She stresses, she debates, she talks to sales clerks, all while I'm on the phone with her.  She is a last minute gift buyer and she visits her stress onto me when she has to rush to the post office.  And when she has to pay extra fees.  And then, during the month of January, she complains and complains about how broke she is.  How much money she didn't have to spend...on me.  I've tried to desperately to get her to not buy me anything.  Fortunately, last year, she finally listened.  I did still get the phone call as she AGONIZED over what to get her boyfriend (whom she could afford expensive gifts for, just not for her family).  I could've cared less.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't expect gifts.  In fact, it wouldn't bother me at all to not get a gift.  It's just the blatant disregard for my feelings.  How she makes it my problem.  All of my FOO complains endlessly about getting me and my family gifts.  What a pain it is.  How much money it costs.  Blah, blah.   I don't want gifts that cause people such strife.

My MIL really takes the cake with gift giving though.  Now, I'm going to point out.  Most of these gifts are not horrible by themselves.  I'm sure in the right context with the right person, the gifts she gives me would be appropriate and appreciated.  I guess, for me, most of these gifts feel like bribes and manipulations.  It's all for show.  Even the way she gives the gifts becomes about attention and competition.  I love to gift wrap.  I like a nice glass of wine, a holiday movie, and a quiet room to wrap in.  I'm careful and, one thing that NM did teach me, wrap the packages well.  I love to embellish them or come up with creative ways to wrap them.  I do it because I like to.  I do it because I like giving someone a pretty gift.  I don't do it to get attention.  MIL used to make TONS of comments about how well I wrapped gifts, how she bragged to her friends about how her DIL (notice it's still about her) wraps the best gifts.  She is a horrible gift wrapper.  They always looked like a man with all thumbs taped it together (not be judgmental  just to give you a mental image.  I don't really care what the gifts look like that are for me).  Anyway, pretty soon, she started making her gifts wrapped to me be more and more ornate and carefully wrapped.  I could tell she spent a lot of time wrapping them.  Maybe I should've found it to be an endearing gesture.  But I didn't.  I found it to be weird. Competitive.  Like somehow, she thought it would impress me.   For about two years, I made beautiful gift baskets for people.  I painstakingly picked out things I thought would go together.  I wrapped them carefully.  I made them for weddings, birthdays, Christmas.  So, guess who started putting baskets together?  You got it, NMIL.  It's completely her MO to copy whatever I'm doing (that makes me feel like a school girl to write, but it feels like school girl behavior.  And it makes me feel like she's trying to copy my identity   To morph into everything I am.  There is nothing I have or do that she doesn't try to emulate too.)

MIL also asks for ideas for my kids.   She uses gifts as bribes for my kids.  She's flat told me she does and she was proud of it!  She loves to tell my son she has a gift for him, but then not give it to him until we leave.  I spend most visits fielding his questions as to where it is while she keeps his attention on her.   These gifts are never particularly thoughtful, just something to fill a space.  When my son turned 1, she asked for ideas for his birthday.  I proved the idea for her.  She and FIL spent the first hour of the party putting the damn thing together (in another room from the party while we waited).  She then pranced it out and proceeding to brag about what a wonderful gift she had bought.  It's bad enough to brag about your gift, it's even worse to brag about something that wasn't even your idea.

MIL's gifts to me have never been about a desire to gift me with something she thinks I would like.  They are about serving her agenda, about making her look good, or about getting something she wants in return.  For example:

MIL likes to get "pat" gifts.  Meaning she picks a particular thing and then each year you get the same thing just a different version.  Right now, it's cook books.  Every year I get a cookbook.  For several years, it was the little Christmas houses.  She wanted me to collect them like she does.  She kept telling me to decide which collection I wanted.  I told her over and over I didn't want them, I didn't have room, on and on.  It feel on deaf ears.  One year she bough me four to start with.  And then she bought one each year.  Not even ones that I particularly liked or that would relate to me.  Just houses she found on the discontinued list.  I know I threw a wrench in her plans when I started requesting particular ones.  And then, when DH told her to stop, we had too many, that really messed up her holidays.

She once bought me a book about how to be a good Christian wife.  I am a feminist and while spiritual, not particularly devout Christian.  I was newly married at this Christmas.  I should've tossed it in the trash, but I was trying to be a good DIL.  The book was so offensive, so anti-woman, so from the 1950s I almost laughed.  I couldn't get past the first few chapters.  I asked her if she had read the book.  No, she hadn't.  I wondered why the hell she would give me a book she knew nothing about?  I wondered where my husband's copy of "how to be a good husband" was?  I wondered why she thought I needed to be a good Christian wife?  I wondered why the hell she felt I needed a book about how to be a good wife at all?

She used to get me a stocking filled with deodorant,  mouthwash, and generic toothbrushes.  While these might be good gifts for a broke college kid, they reeked to me of laziness.  They were all generic and travel size.  Just filler for the sake of filler.  DH said she used to buy this stuff for him as a kid at Christmas all the time.  I thought, what kind of parent fills their kids' stockings with shit they should be providing their kids anyway?  DH and I also got a crow bar once (stuffed into one of her "pretty baskets") that they had found on the clearance table.  When I laughed, FIL snapped that "everybody needs a crow bar."

Back when my BILs' used to buy me gifts, it was clear that she was behind all of them.   It made me feel so cared for that they all just had mommy do their shopping for them.  One year I got 4 bottles of the same lotion.  I could've taken baths in the shit.  One year i got a hat and scarf set; except one brother gave me the scarf and MIL gave me the hat.  It was emblazoned with a beer logo for a brand that I don't drink but DH does.  One year a BIL gave me a Christmas ornament that I suspect MIL just re-gifted.   It was such an odd ornament to give a 20 year old girl (it was a ceramic old lady's purse) that I couldn't imagine why they would select it for me.

MIL had me try a glass of wine from a winery she liked.  Apparently saying that I liked the wine to her, meant that the winery was now my favorite winery of all time.  When you go to wineries, you often get a cheap, complimentary glass with your tasting fee.  MIL gave me one of these cheap glasses and gave the other to my SIL, because I "loved" that winery so much.   At least I fair somewhat better than SIL;  MIL just duplicates whatever she gets for me and gives it to SIL.  If there is any way to give even less thought to a gift than she gives me, it's to give gifts to someone that you picked out for someone else.

Once, when DH and I were broke and first married, she bought us a stereo receiver.  I still don't know what the hell it did, but I do know that we were expected to buy the speakers that went with it ourselves (for $200).

When I got married, MIL bought me a pair of "sexy" (read: somewhat trashy) underwear to wear (on my wedding night?).  She ended up giving all her DILs a pair of underwear at their bridal showers, but since I didn't have a bridal shower, she just gave them to me right before my wedding.  I was so grossed out.  I mean, nothing makes a girl feel sexier than wearing the underwear MIL picked out for you.  And the thing is, I don't think she really picked them out for me. I think she picked them our for DH...because she wanted a grandkid so badly (she was on my ass constantly).  It grossed me out.  She also bought me an old lady night gown just like her's.  Because she didn't "felt badly" for me because of what I chose to wear to bed.  I wore a t-shirt to bed because that's what I liked, not slinky, silky nighty with embroidered flowers on it.

She often picked out gifts that she actually wanted, but couldn't bring herself to buy for herself.   One time it was a carved (expensive) decorative bird that she'd seen at some art show.  I told her repeatedly that I didn't want them.  I knew she would expect me to display them (she had even told me where I should display them).  Another time it was an antique pair of Victorian lamps.  She had asked me what style I was going to decorate my new home.  One look around my house at the time would've told her that I was not into brass, and Victorian, and antique.  But she is.  And she told me how much she loved the lamps.  How they'd be perfect at my bedside.  And, uncomfortably, she offered them to me in front of my SIL, who couldn't help but look hurt.  By this point in my marriage, I was getting better at speaking up for myself.  I told her no.

MIL loves to give gifts that she gets something out of.  Once, when we asked for a gift certificate to a hotel DH and I liked, she gave us a gift certificate to another place.  Because we "go to the other place all the time" and because she wanted us to check out her new place and tell her if it was worth going to.

She used to give DH one ticket of a pair of season tickets to a sports team every year for his birthday (another pat gift).   She and FIL also had tickets right next to his.  I was required to pay for the other ticket.  I never understood why.  Why not just give us the pair for Christmas?  Why not give it to me for my birthday?  I suspect that she didn't want to upset her other sons by gifting the ticket to me.  Or that she didn't want to pay that much money for my gift.   But really, who else was going to go with DH?  It felt like she forced me to pay for that ticket...or half of a gift she gave to him.   And a gift that she got benefit out of because we spent 7 weekends with her.

It wasn't uncommon for her to give a gift that required that we chip in.  She told me for years that she wanted to go on a cruise with all her kids.  This sounded like hell to me.  Not only did I not want to spend my very few vacation days (I used to want to spend them seeing my FOO, whom I rarely got to see) on a trip that I didn't select, I didn't want to go with the in-laws.  The thought of being trapped together and being forced to do everything together (rarely did anyone ever do anything without each other) with a loud, argumentative family made my toes curl.   Well, one Christmas she announced to the whole family that she would be buying us a cruise the following January and to schedule the time off.  She said she would be paying for the cruise, but we would have to pay for our airfare and our travel money.  Maybe this would be a nice offer for some families.  Like if they all got to discuss it and decide on it together.  But I felt ambushed.  Everyone else was SO excited (although none of them had the means to pay for anything.)  DH and I were saving for our first home (among other things).  We did not have the extra $1000 it would've cost for airfare (and if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to spend it that way).  I told her that we didn't have the money for airfare.  She snapped that it could be DH and I's Christmas gift to each other.  I explained that DH and I don't spend $500 on each other for Christmas.  She snapped then we could drive.  It is a two day drive from our home to the cruise line's port.  We would've had to pay for gas, parking fees, and a hotel for two nights.  That didn't seem any cheaper.  I was appalled that someone would spring a "gift" on me, expect to pay for half of it, and decide what my gift to my husband would be.  And in the end, SHE would be the one benefiting from her "family" vacation.  Thank god, it fell through.

Gifts and Parties: How NM uses special occasions to wield power

I have so many stories to share from my past.  Stories that may be boring or redundant for others to hear, but I need to tell.  I have to share some of the current episodes too.  So, forgive my seesawing back and forth.

After Christmas is usually a recharging period for me.  It's easy for me to hide and not face the many family obligations of the holiday season.  To decompress.  I haven't talked to my sister since Christmas, except once on Easter.  She has another (her third in a year) new job and a boyfriend.  And life is complicated for her.  I guess.  I have emailed, texted, facebooked.  She stated she misses me.  But I haven't heard from her.  My Dad just informed me that he has been depressed and antisocial (not unusual for him).  So, I've barely talked to him either.  My kids have been sick.  Really sick.  I was in the doctor's office or ER with one or the other for five weeks straight.  Not a horrible situation, but stressful and exhausting.  My mom has been baiting me.  She sends texts or emails that require responses.  And then when I respond,  I'm swallowed by texts, emails, messages.  I used the kids being sick to hide out a bit.  She always tells me that she is so "worried" about the kids.  She demands that I text her in the morning to let her know how the kids are.  I hate this, because it informs her that I am near my phone.  Usually, she calls immediately.  But lately, the replies I've gotten are three paragraphs about her ailments.  She has skin cancer, a bad rash, back problems.  And then one line asking how the kids are.  There are no lines asking how I am.  One email had the title "biopsy".  I almost deleted it on the spot.  I also receive emails detailing how my aunt is so sick, and my grandfather was almost admitted to the hospital.  I never know how true these emails are as everyone is always dying.  And how much is for dramatic effect.  There is also the endless complaints about my step-family.  Yeah, that same step-family she dumped us for.  They now annoy her to no end.   If I agree with her though she turns it on me, acting as if I'm being judgemental or harsh.  "Well, you know Jessie, being a new parent is tough" she counters when I agreed with her assessment of my step-brother.  No shit.  I'm also a new parent.  I've never heard you say that to me.

Anyway, my son's 1st birthday is approaching.  She used this to start a new onslaught of emails.  She loves to give gifts.  Love to be admired for it.  Loves to complain that no one appreciates all  that she does for us.  She once admonished my three year old for not playing with the train table she bought him enough.  She had bought it a year prior.  And he plays with it all the time but not enough for her.  Each time a gift giving occasion comes, she works herself into a tizzy to get the perfect (read: most expensive, most admirable) gift.  Now a little background.  My sons have three sets of grandparents who all ask me for ideas, as do the aunts and uncles.  I also have to reserve some ideas for his dad and I.   I've suggested college fund money, but no one likes that idea.  So, I'm forced to come up with a list, divvy it out so no one duplicates (because that would piss everyone off), and hope that I'm not offending with what I ask for.  Plus, I really try to suggest things that my son actually wants, instead of random crap that I pack away into boxes.  He doesn't ask for much, so I want him to get the things he does ask for.  This year my mom asked for ideas.  I told her I'd work on it, but it'd help to give me a price range.  She replied "oh, just give me lots of ideas then I'll pick what I want and can spend (she's always "broke" but actually far from it)".  I explained that I have lots of people to suggest ideas for and that she can really help me out if she gives me some guidelines.  She retorts back that "Well, I was just trying to get something you don't already have.  But I'll just come up with my own stuff."  Why does this have to be so difficult?  Why does this piss her off?  So, I write up a wish list and give her some additional ideas.  She hems and haws between them.  I tell her to let me know what she chooses and I'll let MIL have the other ideas.  I haven't heard from her since (a week ago).

And I feel horrible enough as I just dread the event.  I want so desperately to make it a special day for my son.  I want to celebrate him.  But my family makes it so difficult.  My mother will be smug and smirk in the corner and observe everyone.  She will be stand offish and try and put people in their place.  The last two birthday parties she felt the need to suggest I rearrange the table.  "Why?" I asked.  "Oh, I don't know, I just thought it would look better this way."  She has no reasoning.  She just has to put her stamp on things.  Suggest she knows better.  I will hand out responsibilities to my mom and MIL.  Neither will like her assigned job and will be jealous of the other.  They will fight over my son.  My in-laws are not much better.  They always show up late.  And then they make a huge production of themselves.  Gathering the grandkids and sequestering them for themselves.  They are loud and overbearing and showy.  The hog the kids and don't let anyone else see them.  When Jake, my oldest turned one, they showed up a half hour late.  They then spent an hour putting together the wagon they bought in the living room away from the party (because god forbid my one year old see it first).  They missed most of the party and then trotted out the wagon gloating about what a wonderful gift it was.  Look how much he likes it! they crowed.  Never mind that I had picked out the gift.  They had nothing to do with it except paying for it.  But I didn't care, I just wanted my son to have it.  It just annoyed me so much that they made such a big deal out of it (partly because I could feel my mother seething in the corner and partly because I just felt it was rude).  I feel SOOO guilty.  I need to suck it up for my son, but I just dread it all so much.  And they all wonder why I get so "stressed out".  Poor neurotic, anxious Jessie they'll think.  

Battling Christmas Plans: NM's use of guilt and intimidation

My mother announced last year, half way into November, that she wanted to visit in the three weekends before Christmas.  She stated the first week was out, as she was going on vacation.  She then stated that she would decide last minute between the next two weekends, depending on the weather conditions. It annoyed me that she wanted to hold us hostage to her whims. Why couldn't she just pick a weekend.  This is an extremely busy time of year for us. But I said none of that. I did tell her that we did have a lot of things going on in those two weeks.  My niece was having her second birthday party, my nephew was set to be born around the same time, in addition to the usually press of holiday parties, work functions, shopping, and our own little family traditions I squeeze in.  In the following weeks, the drama was overwhelming. I received phone calls and emails and texts, lamenting the weather and updating me on every storm that might come.  I repeatedly tried to pin her down on a weekend, as we had other family and friends asking to make plans with us.  No, she couldn't make plans.  No, she didn't know when she was coming.  Stressed, I finally informed her that although she was welcome to come, we did have things we had to commit to.  She became increasingly dramatic.  As it turned out, my nephew was born the first weekend in December.  My husband's family was all in town.  This pushed my niece's birthday to the second weekend in December.  I called mom to let her know.  "Well, I guess that will be alright.  It's only for the evening".  She stated, implying it wouldn't impose on her too much.  I told her no, it would be in the afternoon on Saturday, so most of Saturday we would be busy.  I wasn't trying to push her off, but these events were out of my control, and I really couldn't drop them all to accommodate my mother who STILL wouldn't commit.  As the second weekend in December approached, and she still was drawing out the dramatics of when to come, and the snow, and the horrible roads (and let it be said, I've traveled these roads most Christmas' to her house). I suggested that maybe it would be best to wait until New Year's weekend.  This infuriated her.  She became cold and unresponsive.  I talked to her several more times over the next few weeks, and although she didn't come on New Year's, I assumed it was over.  I actually felt good about setting some boundries.  Then in a phone call in January, it all came out.  While discussing my sister, she stated "I've done a lot of soul searching and I've decided that I need to make myself happy, even if my kids don't care about me".  I was FLOORED.  I lost it.  First off, we weren't even discussing me.  And I never told her she couldn't come.  I simple suggested she come after the dreaded "bad roads" were over, when we could give her more time.  She pouted and whined and said how important it was for her to see my son at Christmas time now that her mother had died and the holidays were so hard.  (For the record, she never really liked my grandmother.  They had a distant relationship at best.  Grandma had died two years before and her death only came up when mom was needing attention).  She couldn't believe I'd be so cruel, but she accepted she wouldn't make it up to see us until my second child was born (this was January; the baby was due in June).  I told her that would be just fine with me.  And hung up the phone.