Don't Stand So Close......

My relationship with my NMIL has never been easy.  While I don't think she's malignant, like my mother, she has caused conflict in my marriage, tainted all important events, and generally makes me miserable.
She is a woman with a very fragile ego and demands constant stroking from her sons and her husband.  She likes to be adored, likes to be "the best", and likes to be told she's above all others.  She likes to be admired and likes to be in control.  Having four sons whom she groomed to cater to her, she has been very successful in maintaining her control over her sons and the family.  She created an environment in which everyone was to believe the same things, think the same things, like the same things, and behave the same way.  Individuality was offensive.
Along I came.  I was young and fresh off of dealing with the after effects of my parents divorce and coming to realize something was really "off" with my own NM.  I admired the closeness of my (now) husband's family.  They were big, boisterous and "complete".
However, I soon came to realize that, in order to fit in, I had to give up all my individuality and confirm.  I had to accept I no longer had boundaries and control over my own life.  I didn't recognize it as that at the time.  I was just trying to be liked and fit in.  I was very in love with my husband.
At the very beginning, NMIL told me she was afraid of losing her boys to future DILs.  DH and I had barely been dating and I'd given her no reason to believe I would "take" her sons from her.  From that point on, she seemed to be determined to control me so that she wouldn't lose her son.  She worked through him, manipulating him, gas lighting him, and convincing him to do what she wanted/when she wanted.  If I objected, I was being difficult.  She tried to control everything from where we lived, how we lived, to what we ate and how we spent our money.  She very covertly shamed, blamed, and undermined whenever someone didn't do what she wanted.  She used the family to bully people into submission (if someone didn't do what she wanted, she would send someone else in to "convince" them).  But it was all very under the radar.  My BILs still don't seem to see how much she controls them.  (When they go on vacations with her, MIL plans them with her son.  The DILs are left out.  MIL is consulted for all major decisions.  MIL takes on co-parenting duties with my niece and nephew....and in fact, sees her self as the sole guiding force of the kids.)
As you can imagine, this didn't sit with me well.  I spent a lot of time feeling bullied and controlled.  And I felt helpless.  My husband would become angry if I wanted to do something different.  We spent a lot of time working on it.  Finally, he started to wake up and see the truth (that something was off with his mother) but he still believes that it is something "fixable" and "we" (she and I) can work it out.  However, he did start setting boundaries and we went LC.  Particularly when he started to see how she was with the kids (and the influence she had on my niece and nephew and their perceptions of life) he put up boundaries.  She is not a loving or sweet grandmother, nor is she particularly safe with the children (she tends to take the easy way out on things and does not supervise well).  She does not make emotional connections with the kids.  Rather, she has a superficial and shallow transactional relationship (she actually told me once she was bribing my child to get him to pay attention to her) and she uses them for narcissistic supply (among other things).  She does not know the kids as individuals at all.  (In fact, she doesn't even ever ask questions to them to learn about them.  She just makes statements "at" them.)
When she started to see she was losing control of me (and my husband), she took another tactic.  She started in with phony flattery (especially to my husband).   She thought by showering me with compliments, I would suddenly like her.  But she still tried to be controlling, still felt entitled to us and our time, still tried to force us into her box.  I actually preferred her to be more overtly bossy, as opposed to this fake nice lady who was all over me.  Around this time, she also started to physically follow me around.
It started by eaves dropping and hanging on the fringe of groups of people I was talking to when we were in public.  She'd suddenly butt in and I'd turn, shocked to see she'd been standing there (she had plenty of other people to talk to).  She was often listening in when I'd talk to my husband.  She couldn't stand to be "left out" of anything and inserted herself into my proximity.  She definitely lacks some social awareness, but she's not stupid.  She's awkward, but behaves well enough that most people think she's a nice, normal lady.  So these odd behaviors towards me really struck me.
When we would take the kids to visit, she'd say hello and then latch on to me.  I had expected her to spend time with the kids, but nope, she would sit next to me.  And follow me around.  And distance I tried to put between us, she'd squash.  I used to be closer to my SIL and we would arrange all visits so that she and my BIL would also be there.  It gave me an alternative outlet.  NMIL told SIL that I "acted weird" towards her when SIL was around and so asked SIL to see her separately from us.  SIL agreed (which began the down fall of our shaky relationship).  MIL had me isolated again.
She would offer up trite and ridiculous compliments to me ("I like your toenail polish"  "you grew lots of vegetables in your garden"  really stupid stuff that was not really a compliment.  She never complimented anything of substance, lest I be perceived as "better" than her.)  But to my husband, she would call up saying she wanted to spend more time with us and hadn't been the best MIL.  She wanted to know what she could do.  She claimed I was "the coolest person" she knew. And she wanted to hang out with m. (blech).  She even apologized....to HIM.... for her behavior (I heard none of this).  He asked her to back off and give me space and respect our boundaries.  She backed off, but only a bit.  She continued to demand to drop by, demand us to fit into their plans (instead of coordinating things WITH us), demand we give into her "want" of spending time with us.
But whenever she was around us, she'd hound me.  If I went into another room, she followed me.  If I went outside, she followed me.  She ignored the kids to try and make (lame and shallow) conversation with me (again, more like statements she would make AT me, instead of showing genuine friendliness and interest).  One time, we were sitting across from each other on opposite sofas.  She slowly slid off her's to the floor.  Then, she inched closer and closer until she was at my feet.  I felt backed into a corner.  Another time, I moved chairs no less than four times in a room.  She followed me every damn time.  It was unnerving.   At this point, I expressed to DH that I'd only like to meet them in public and that we had to coordinate were we sat so he buffered her (she lacks other physical boundaries and liked to eat off my kids plates which drove me nuts.  When my oldest was an infant, she helped himself to his baby snacks while we were out.  She also has serious emotional incest issues with my husband and his older brother.  She doesn't respect privacy and has walked in on me several times while changing.  However, she is very buttoned up with her own personal space.  She has insisted that I "cuddle" with her at a coldfootball game and was offended when I wouldn't.  During my husband's teenage years, they didn't have a TV in the living room and everyone watched TV in her bed together.  She bought all of her DIL's underwear for them to wear on their wedding night.  ICK.  I could go on and on.)
We had pushed back to LC and shortly there after she got sick.  For six (glorious) months, she was hospitalized and was very close to death (don't get me wrong, I wish her no harm.  And I was sorry she was suffering.  However, it was so peaceful while she was gone.  I finally felt free from her hoovering around us all the time and dropping in whenever. )  For almost a year, she was too sick to do much and we hardly saw her.  That was a year ago, and now we are seeing her more and more.  DH still struggles with wanting a "normal" family for his kids.  He loves his dad and wants him to be around (although he is starting to lose his hero worship for him).   He believes his mother is "trying".  I believe she is white knuckling it.
In the last few months we've been seeing them more and more.  DH sees that as coincidental.  I see it as "give them an inch" they'll take a mile.  They have suddenly decided to start attending my kids sports functions (that's a whole other story, as being a star athlete is very big NS for my ILs.  Up until now, they haven't put much attention into it, as the kids are young and not "stars" yet.  They ended up no-showing several times when they said they'd come to watch.  As "important" as we are, it's easy for them to ditch us, or expect us to change plans, for something better to them.)
I consented to one game for my kids (to feel supported) and my husband.  It wasn't bad, but it was uncomfortable.  She sat behind me tense and pouty (she complained a lot about having wet feet).  She's usually loud and boisterous, unless she's somewhere she's not in charge and she acts very cowed in those situations.  She just generally seems cranky.  My FIL, while a nice guy, also thinks it's funny to point things out and make a big deal about them.  It really bothers me, as he's always laughing at the kids playing.  I'm not sure if he thinks these things are "cute" but he makes such a loud guffaw about it that it feels a bit like making fun of them.  At this game, my young son's shoe came untied and he couldn't get out the double knot.   FIL drew tons of attention to it by laughing and pointing it out.  (I feel really uncomfortable during these situations, but feel pressured to join in the laughing.....like I'm being a stick in the mud by not joining in.)  DH's FOO teases relentlessly (expect MIL.  No one teases MIL, she gets pissed) and makes big deals about things and laughs loudly.  I felt the shoe tying things was ridiculous and make a big deal out of it for so long could embarrass the kids (sort of "look everyone!  Look at him!!"  It just sort of has that feeling about it.  My husband, accustomed to this sort of teasing, misses it a lot.)
I thought I'd be done for a bit with them, but no luck.  They invited themselves to my son's football game yesterday.   I get very anxious when they are coming around (I realize I often feel helpless.  I feel if I say or do anything they perceive as "different" or "not going along" my husband will get upset with me.  He often gets cranky with me after we see his family.  I'm not generally a difficult person, but he accuses me of it with his family.)  I was not thrilled about them coming and, since my husband is a coach, I would be stuck with them by myself.  I worked with a friend to arrange our chairs so that it left no spot next to me during the game.  I told DH that I did not feel like entertaining them during the game and planned to be polite by keep my distance. (I wanted to enjoy the game too, not listen to FIL and MIL cackle at all the things they found funny.)  They arrived just as the game was beginning (they can never be on time, so that works to my advantage) and I could see FIL was frustrated with the lack of room.  He also expressed annoyance that the game had started before the game time (all the kids were there, so the ref started.  Be early next time.)  I was polite and greeted them and shrugged off the "game started" comment.  And then I turned back to watch the game.  He went down to sit in another spot (with my nephew.  They were babysitting my niece and nephew.  They were supposed to come to the game last week, but rearranged it all at the last minute because they, now, were needed to babysit.  So, I spent two weeks very anxious.)
However, MIL remained parked right behind me.  Parents rarely actually sit during these games, so I was standing.  She stood right behind my chair.  The energy coming from behind me was uncomfortable as I could "feel" her intent on me.  Eventually, she hollered (she always hollers) up at me to ask where my other son is.  I'm not sure if she expected me  to have him waiting there for her or what.  I told her he was playing.  She said something stupid in return ("oh, he plays too?")  I turned back around.  Pretty soon, she's inching up between the chairs, standing to my right,but behind me.  I move down to a friend of mine and make conversation.  She moves closer again.  She's standing all by herself, without my FIL, so it's clear she's trying to get to me.  I again involve myself with the game and move further away.  I HATE this stalking she does.  I hate feeling like she's forcing herself on me.  I hate feeling my space invaded.  If I had wanted to talk to her, I would have.  If I wanted to interact, I would have.  Why couldn't she just go sit with her husband and watch the game (that she was supposedly here to see)?  I feel misplaced guilt about what I'm "supposed" to be doing (chatting them up, making MIL feel comfortable -everyone is responsible for her feelings, making sure everyone knows DH's parents are there.)  I've often felt this pressure in the past to "give" them myself and do what they want.  I hated feeling that way and felt I was putting on a show instead of being myself.   Any other game, I walk around, chat minimally with other parents, and I watch the game.  Why should this be different because they are there?  My husband doesn't sit and chat the whole damn time.  Hell, he hardly ever sits and talks with his mom at all.  Why should I have to?
Later, I go back down the sideline to give my son some water.  She is standing right behind the players (which is weird.  Most of the parents don't stand there.  They give the coaches and players some room.)  But not NMIL.  She's got my niece (who she's using as a shield, she does this a lot) and trying to get my son's attention.  "(OS)! (OS)!  Did you see who is here?  Your cousin is here?!"  He waves a bit and goes back to focusing on the game.  She tries again to get his attention and he walks away.  (He wasn't being rude, he really was so focused he wasn't even paying attention).  I think it's ridiculous that she's demanding his attention while he is supposed to be focused on the game.  It makes my stomach churn.
Luckily, my nephew got stick (not for my nephew, obviously) and they have to leave.  They do not say goodbye to me and take off.  (I was so glad we didn't have to sit and chat after the game.  They tend to "linger" and you can't get rid of them. It takes an hour to say goodbye to them.)
I couldn't help but feel that they were annoyed with me.  I know I didn't live up to what they wanted and I'm sure they saw me as "rude" and "stand offish".  And while I certainly wasn't interested in talking to them, I wasn't acting any different than I would have had they not been there.  I struggle with the feelings of guilt though.  And then I get annoyed remembering how she stalks and lurks around me.
Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?  Holding my ground does nothing (and only rewards her and encourages her.)  If I grey rock, she sees me as rude.  She has none of these expectations for her own son.  I don't want to feel I'm running away from her, but I also don't want to be pinned and cornered.  And I don't want to be forced and pushed into being friendly and social with her.  If she would just be friendly, but distant, with me, I would be just fine with her.  If she could just back the fuck off of me, I'd be good.  I do not want to be friends with someone who's been cruel and mean to me.  I have no illusions that things will get better if we just "try" (she's too self absorbed to be friendly with and friendly only gives her license to control you.)  I feel a bit stuck.  Any thoughts are welcome.

The Good Girl

Hi all.  It's been awhile since I've written here.  I've been working on healing in a few different ways, and so the blog has been neglected.  It's been hard to come up with full posts and and ways to put things so they make sense and so posts have been hard.  Most of what I've been working on is small details put that are forming into "big picture" ideas.

The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me.  All in all, my FOO had a really nice time.  We were busier than usual.  I was happier than usual.  I was able to fully be in the moment.  But with any holiday,  the Ns come buzzing around like flies.  They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick.

At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS.  The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister.  The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all.  My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I.  She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee.  I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction.   She hounded me a ton over Christmas.  Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon.  Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy.  She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful".  I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.

I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister.  No sadness, no angry, no disappointment.  If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem).  If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.

Growing up, my mother was quite distant.  I remember her spending a lot of time on chores.  She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else.  She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays.  She just never felt very interested in me at all.  We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got.  My mother has a big issue with being poor).  But I was clothed and fed.  I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'.   We were well "taken care of".  But I don't remember being really maternal at all.  She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara).

I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed.  I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further.  I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants.  She was vocal, volatile, and intense).  I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister.  Just give in so that my sister would behave.  I was the ultimate "good girl".  I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves.  I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated).  It's not that this necessarily came naturally.  I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl.  I did whatever it took be the good girl.  I helped out, I was friendly and kind.  I did all my homework and chores.  Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid.  Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister.  I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister.  From the time I was very young.  I was the perfect mother's helper.  (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are."  She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)

When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years.  The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing.  Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine".  Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos.    It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me.  It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through.  If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately.  My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy.  I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy."  I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father.  But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do.   I wasn't allowed to talk about it.  When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me.  She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce.  And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.)  The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.

In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me.  It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent.  She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level.  She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel.  She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted.  And in a lot of ways, I did just that.  As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy.  I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself.  And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off).    So,  I tried to make her happy.  Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again.  The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.

But, of course, it didn't.  Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her.  She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted.  She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool.  It worked on my sister but not me.).  If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful.  If I did take it, I took advantage of her.  If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled.  I just couldn't win.

And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me.  She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times.  Little insults, little digs.  Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations.  For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her.  I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.

I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s.  Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her.  I decided to try talking things out with her.  This did NOT go over well.  Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce".  Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this.  I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her.  I WAS still upset about the divorce.  I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had never acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down.  I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was.

But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now.  My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior.  It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me.  It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals.  It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother.  Her expectation that I was to fix it.  It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me.  Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.

These interactions left me baffled and hurt.  I again felt so minimized.  I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship.  My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so offensive to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all.  If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset.  And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me.  I didn't want to hurt my mother.  

The pressure kept building though.  I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark.  We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce.  You're just still upset I married your step father."  I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt.  I knew it would NOT end well if I did.  I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt.  Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back.  She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her.  But I didn't.  I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it.  I wasn't mean towards her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt.  And she went beserk.  We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out.  It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out.  She was screaming at my husband to take her home.  He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out.  I was sobbing.  She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel.  She got out with out a word.  The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer.  She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.

From that moment on, things were never quite the same.  As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center.  And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile.  She played the victim.   She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled.  She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA!  And she knows how much I struggle with them.)  She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets.  In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays.  I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask.  I don't make an effort to see her.

In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK.  She's never asked to make things better.  She's continued to pretend everything is fine.  She's never asked me if somethings wrong.  When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it.  She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie).  But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with.  She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are.

The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me.  It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me.  Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )

As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over.  This is the one tool she uses on me the most.  My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family.  She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage.  It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants.  I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time.  I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot.  But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded.

I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too.  I want to be the "good DIL".  I want to make the family happy and get along.  I want to compromise and make it work.

Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters.  I can never be good enough or just "good".   I have to do every little thing they tell me too.  I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am.  I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want.  And even then, they will not be happy.

I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do.  And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder.  There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy.  A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along.  I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right.  In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing.  Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person.  I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me.  I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be.  I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area.   I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being.    I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being.

Mixed Emotions

I've been having a hard time lately.   A weird, funky depression has hit me and I'm struggling to pull myself out of it.  Part of this has to do to with some recent developments surrounding my NMIL.  Please note this will be a rambling post.  Also note that I am not trying to be judgmental or critical of NMIL and her issues, but that I feel the details of what is going on speaks to the larger picture.  I have already been told once -by an ACoN- that  I am just "taking her inventory" in an attempt to control her.  Hearing that pushed me into a bad place after opening up about some very difficult feelings for me.

MIL is very ill.  She has always had stomach issues.  Several years ago, she had major surgery to deal with stomach issues.  She was told then to get her diet under control.  (She was also supposed to modify FIL's diet by cooking more healthfully).  A couple of months back, she was stricken with an infection in her abdomen.  (I'm going to leave out the details, out of respect.)  The infection is due, most likely to poor food choices and not modifying her diet.  She had surgery to remove it and spent over a week in the hospital.  Three days after being released from the hospital, she was at my son's birthday, indulging on cupcakes and snack foods.  Despite wincing in pain, she allowed my kids to climb all over her.  Two days later (five after being out of the hospital and major surgery and illness) she remained committed to taking a distant vacation with FIL.  I can not imagine that she ate well on this trip (she really has no self control.  This is not a judgement, just an observation.)  On the return trip, she picked up my niece and nephew to babysit.  She had not been out of the hospital for more than two weeks.  And sure enough, as could've probably been predicted because she was not taking care of herself, she wound up back in the hospital.  Infections again, reactions to medications, and tons of pain.  She came out of the hospital for mere days, and was back in the hospital again.  They can't figure out why she isn't healing.  It is looking quite serious.

MIL also has food issues.  I do not begrudge anyone their coping mechanisms and fully understand vices.  I have mine too.   But I do not ignore my issues and believe myself "healthy".  As with any alcoholic or drug addict or shop alcoholic, she seems to have a compulsion to eat in order to soothe emotions she does not want to feel.

As is probably obvious, MIL has emotional issues.  She only has two: glee and anger.  And maybe boredom.  She absolutely will not deal with any other emotions.  At all.  And so she consoles herself with food.  I've seen it over and over.  And while she is eating, she is completely oblivious to it.  She sort of "sneaks" it on herself (by slivering off teeny "extra" helpings.  She suddenly has eating two or three extra servings, but sees it only as "a little sliver").   Whenever she is in emotional discomfort she eats.  And then she complains (and reacts jealously to my thinness) about her weight.  She is forever on a "diet".  Not a healthy eating plan, but a diet.  To me, the connection seems obvious.  If you don't deal with your emotions, repress them constantly, and then "soothe" yourself with junk, it's bound to catch up with you.

Now, I have lots of sympathy for people who are struggling, who have emotional issues and addiction issues.  But when someone won't even ADMIT that they struggle or have issues and claim some sort of superiority over others....well, I have less compassion for that.

This woman has spent almost two decades scapegoating me and bullying me and pushing "her way of life" on me.  She has acted morally superior and put me down and blamed me.  She has refused, even for a second to thing that maybe SHE is the problem.  She refuses to take a look at herself and has continued to do whatever she wants, despite the consequences.  And she expects everyone else to be just like her.  She didn't allow her kids to develop any sort of emotional health.  She taught them to ignore any and all emotions too.  Several of them have rage and stomach issues too.  She has refused any attempts to change the dynamics of relationships.   And she expects everyone to go along with her unhealthy way of being and any suggestion to the contrary is met with anger or ignoring on her part.

I'm struggling to feel any compassion for her.  I feel AWFUL saying that.  But I'm struggling to feel badly for someone who will not help herself.  I am struggling to feel compassion for someone who has never felt it for me, and rarely feels it for others.    Any compassion for her makes me feel vulnerable and afraid.  I'm sorry she is sick.

But I'm also feeling relief that she is not bothering me at the moment.  Before she went into the hospital, she was "winding up" on my husband again and I could feel another N-wave coming at me.  I feel badly that my relief is coming from her pain and agony.

I'm angry that she hasn't taken better care of herself.  That she continued to proclaim that stuffing your emotions and not dealing with anything is the "right" way of dealing with things.  That putting "the family" above taking care of ourselves as individuals is the "moral high ground".  That never saying no (like to my FIL about the trip and my BIL about watching his kids) came above taking care of herself.  That this is the "rightous" thing she has always expected out of me (and my husband).  That martyr yourself is the right thing to do.  She can not say no.  Almost all of her relationships are "transactional" (this isn't my term).  Meaning, she does things for people and then she draw love back.   And if you say "no" to her, it means you don't love her.  I'm angry that this sort of unhealthy behavior contributed to her not being well now.  And all the while I've been condemned as a "bad" person, "unkind" for daring to ever put my physical (and God forbit, my emotional) well being as a priority.

I'm terrified of what this means.  DH and I FINALLY had started setting boundaries.  She was not happy about it, but I was finally feeling relief and some control over my own life.  I wasn't feeling helpless anymore.  We had separated and have distanced ourselves from his family.  I wonder how all of this will effect that progress.  I wonder how dynamics will change from here on out.  I am afraid that, if something should happen to her, DH will come to resent me.  That his family will resent me.  That I will (as always )be blamed for being "against" the family (this was the story up until now: if I didn't go along with whatever MIL decided, I was "against" the family).  I wonder if something should happen, how much FIL will attach himself to us.  Not that I don't like FIL, but he is extremely co-dependent on MIL.

I'm sad that I feel a tad bit of relief thinking about what might happen if this is it for her.....I don't even like saying that out loud.  I feel like an awful person.  Who feels positive feelings about something like that?

Especially in the face of the fact that so many people are so upset.  FIL is devastated and overwhelmed.  My husband is stressed.   His siblings are upset (although, oddly, two of them -one of them the golden child- have not gone to visit her at all.   And it's not because he can't go.  He lives close enough and has spent the weekends visiting other family members, so it seems odd to me.....)  Partially, it's annoying seeing so many people tell her how wonderful she is.  And maybe she is to them.  But she wasn't to me.  (There I go again, being a jerk.  Seriously, I have spent a lot of time beating myself up for these feelings.)  I struggled to see one of her son's describe her as the "strongest" person he knows.  For me, she has always seemed weak: frightened, angry, resentful, bitter, and repressed.  It's frustrating that a woman whom I've never seen had a vulnerable moment in her life be described as "strong".

It also makes me fearful about what happens in the future with my own family.  I feel so much healthier being away from my sister.  But what happens when something happens to our parents?  The thought of having to deal with her (and the odds of that happening are getting better and better) makes me upset and sad.

And some of this just makes me sad.  It didn't have to be like this.  Our family didn't have to be like this.  Her whole illness sort of seems symbolic to me of the whole "infection" in the family.  Constant repression, constant "soothing" with outside things, no emotions allowed and a sickness eating us from the inside out.

I appreciate any thoughts, but please be gentle with me.  It took a lot for me to own up to a lot of these feelings.  I've beaten myself up quite a bit in the last few weeks.  It has made me doubt so much of my choices and I'm struggling to stand in my truth.  I often wonder if I'm just a horrible, callous person.

The Last Supper

Many of the stories from this evening I've told before, but not in one post.  I was triggered by another blog on adult bullying into remembering this evening and I thought I'd like to get it all out for my records.  Please feel free to skip it.  (It will also be unedited and most likely misspelled, so please excuse me.)

This was three years ago, almost to the month. The details may seem like not that big of deal, but the whole experience really wore on me.  MIL and FIL had wanted to meet with us and BIL and SIL and our children for dinner.  At the time, my oldest child was not quite four and my youngest was an infant.  It was a very busy weekend in our town and when we arrived at the restaurant there was a long line.  MIL and FIL were at the bar.  The restaurant has a buzzer system (they buzz you when a table is read), so BIL, SIL, DH, and I took our children down to a local park to play.

Over an hour went by and we still had no table.  It was getting later (very near my children's bed time) and the kids were getting hungry, tired, and cranky.  I had not brought along extra snacks, as I usually do, and I was getting anxious and upset.  I felt we should have decided that it was getting too late and just call it a night.  Or, at a minimum, when the time ticked away, we maybe should have discussed another alternative (like getting food from the grocery store and having a picnic instead).  But everyone said it should just be "a few more minutes".

Finally we were paged and I was not looking forward to the meal.  MIL was in her usual giddy mood, sopping up the glory of being in the middle of her family.   As we walked to the table, she kept telling my young son that she had a gift for him but it was in the car (just out in the parking lot).  She had told him as we arrived at the restaurant that she had something for him and so he, being three, was quite anxious to get it.  I finally asked her why she just didn't go get it for him.  My son was following her around asking when he could have it and she kept telling him he'd have to wait.  I grew irritated.  When I asked her to get it, she replied "it's out in the car".  I said "well, you should go get it for him.  Right now, you're bribing him to get him to sit by you by withholding it."  She snickered - she gets this gleeful look on her face, "tee-hee-hee"ing and smirking.  "I know!"  she said.  "That's not really OK with me.  You can not bribe my children."  I told her.  Not that it did any good.  She just ignored me.

As we sat down, of course, my son wanted to sit next to her and FIL.  Usually, I try to keep me and my kids at arm's length from MIL.  She has some odd quirks at restaurants and it helps me to feel better if we are out of her reach.

MIL has some weird issues with food.  Clearly, food is a comfort source to her, but it's more than that.  Her entire FB feed is filled with recipe after recipe.  She's not an overly heavy woman, although definitely overweight, and she is constantly on a diet.  She is very jealous that I am not heavy.  She can not control herself around food.  She will select a small amount for her own plate, but then she will pick little pieces off the main plate.  I've seen her devour two extra pieces of pizza this way, cutting sliver after sliver off pieces left in the box until she has finished two more.  But she'll claim she only at one and wonder why she gains weight.  BIL also does this.  MIL also has no problem criticizing my SIL for what she eats and threatening she'll "get fat and BIL doesn't like that." (I about fell of my chair when SIL told me she said this to her.)  At a recent meal, MIL ordered a plate of nachos "for the table".  However, when it came, she placed it in front of herself. She doled out some to others (she never really offered anyone any) by using her own fingers, which she then would lick off.  She pretty much ate the whole plate herself.  And then she ordered a "small bowl of soup" for her actual meal.  It's amazing to watch how much she deludes herself.

She is also quite possessive over ALL of the food on the table.  She takes inventory over what everyone has and is constantly scoping out what people are eating.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't mind sharing bites or allowing people tastes of food.  I'm OK with family style dining.  (Although, with my ILs, they snarf food down so fast that I often don't get very much to eat.  If we eat pizza, I generally get one piece, as I'm a slow eater, before they devour what is left.)  When we first started dating, I would try and chat with the family at meals.  However, I quickly learned that after they inhaled their food, they would start eyeing my plate and helping themselves.  Again, I would go away hungry.

And MIL seems to get some sort of pleasure out of the specific act of eating someone else's food.  It's hard to explain, but it feels like a way of "marking her territory".  Like she gets some intimacy out of having my husband, especially, share his food with her.  It's not so much about the food, but about the person who's food it is.  She also is constantly trying to force him to eat her food off her plate.  Again, I stress, it's not about the sharing of the food for her, but about the invasion of his boundaries that she likes.  It's weird and frankly grosses me out (MIL has some emotional incest problems.  She often seems to see my husband as a companion, someone to admire her, rather than a mother-son relationship.  She also used to use DH and BIL as surrogate spouses to get the other siblings "in line" when she couldn't get FIL to help.  FIL tends to be a bit of a child himself and doesn't take a leadership role in the family.  He likes to be taken care of.)  Due to her lack of boundaries in this area, DH and I always try to sit away from MIL.  (He sees it too.)

I don't mind sharing or giving bites, but I don't like food being taken off my plate without asking.  I don't like when I haven't even had a chance to try my food before she's demanding some.  I don't like when they hog down their food and then demand some of mine before I've had my fill.  They act like I'm "odd" for feeling this way.

On this night, DH and I had agreed to order a small appetizer and a meal for my son immediately upon sitting down so that we could get the kids home for bed.   BIL ordered food for his kids, but he, SIL, MIL, and FIL all decided to languish over the menu and decide at some time later.

When the food arrives, MIL instantly starts bobbing and weaving and almost raising out of her chair to see what we are having.  Keep in mind, she has a very large meal on it's way and DH and I are splitting a small appetizer between the two of us.  She starts in on my husband "what do you have down there?!?"  DH tells her.  Then she asks for a taste of his beer (personally, and this is my issue, but I don't like sharing drinks with a bunch of people as the germ factor gets to me.)  She starts hassling my husband again, asking him how it tastes.  Clearly she wants some.  The woman can't wait for her own food (remember, she's a bit of a glutton) and she's trying to poach off our small meal.

At this point, the kids meals come.  They (MIL, because she always orders for my niece and nephew) had ordered pizza (a very large one) for my small niece.  My son ordered a burger which came with fries.  MIL instantly starts swiping his fries and dipping them in his ketchup (again, the germ factor.  This grosses me out.  I've also seen her use my son's napkin.  To me, this is a huge boundary violation.)  MIL starts hollering that my niece needs some fries too.  MIL think it's HER job to distribute food and determine who needs what.  Niece was not asking for fries, nor did she seem particularly concerned about it.  And yes, my son had more than he could eat, but DH and I had planned to share with him.  MIL also thinks it's her job to "re-distribute" family resources, determining who should pay for things, and how much.  She takes from some and gives to others as SHE sees fit and it really drives me crazy.

I'm becoming increasingly agitated by all of this.  DH grabs a plate, loads it with fries and passes it down to to my niece.  MIL is clearly annoyed by this and keeps grabbing fries and swiping them in my son's ketchup.  So, DH hands down the ketchup.

And this is were the lecture starts.  MIL starts in, while addressing my son, "It's GOOD to share.  WE SHARE IN THIS FAMILY."  She goes on and on for about five minutes as I precede to feel shamed and embarrassed.  Clearly the lecture is meant for me.  DH claims it's not, because she didn't address me directly, but I know it was.  We've had similar issues in the past and she bristles at me putting up boundaries.  It annoys her that DH limits her invading his meal space.  She is loudly proclaiming for the whole table the virtues of sharing.  But it's clear that it's being directed towards my end of the table.

And I am more than willing to share.  I am a very generous person.  But, as I thought later, this isn't sharing!!  Sharing involves on person making a choice about what they would like to give and to give.  And one has to feel ownership over something in order to share it.  If it is a communal resources that is NOT sharing.  And if some TAKES from you without asking, that is not sharing, that is TAKING.  If you have no choice in the matter, how can that be sharing?  I do not make my children share either.  If you force them to do it, than the lesson of it feeling good to share is missed.  They don't get the actual point.  I encourage it.  I talk about it.  But I do not force it.  I do not force my kids to give me or my husband food off their plate.  I always allow them to make the choice.   I felt violated by her making the choice for my son AND by going against my parental authority of how I want to teach my children.

By now, I'm FUMING.  I'm embarrassed, feeling shamed, and feeling very violated.  I'm also feeling very isolated.  I am often an "outsider" labeled as an odd duck with odd ways in the family.  It has been pointed out many times before, when I've upheld -what I believe to be- basic manners and conventions, that I'm uptight or rigid (things like asking before borrowing something, returning it in good shape, not putting food off your plate back into a family dish, not wandering around the table inspecting peoples meals when you are a grown up.  Seriously, DH's adult brother -granted he has some learning disabilities but is capable of understanding basic conventions - will walk around the table in restaurants examining what everyone has ordered.  They have no boundaries when it comes to food and I am the "odd duck" for expecting some.)  We finish up our food, throw down money for our share of the bill and attempt to leave.

At this point, MIL jumps up and declares NOW she's ready to give my son he gift.  I take my infant and go to our car, asking them to please hurry as we need to get the baby to bed.  They take my son and are gone for quit a bit.  When I see them finally coming, my FIL is meandering down to our car, pointing out other vehicles and naming the brand names of cars.  They clearly know we are in a hurry, but are dawdling.  When they get to the car, the stall some more and start conversations and open the car door to play with the baby.  I am FURIOUS but still sit there, saying nothing.  I know if I say anything that 1) I'll explode and 2) DH will be angry with me for "causing trouble" and "being difficult".

We finally leave and I am shaking with anger.  To be honest, I've rarely been that angry.  I felt violated, shamed, angry, hurt, and disrespected.  I can not even speak I'm so angry (and I rarely get like that.)  I have had enough of being a doormat to these people.  DH asks me what's wrong.  I tell him I'm angry.  He says "you hate my family!"  He becomes increasingly upset with ME.  Sure, MIL crossed some lines, he says, but was it that big of a deal?  Sure, they dawdled, but they were just trying to spend time with my son (by the way, they have NO respect for our time.  It is a huge issue with me that their time is important, while our's is not.)

We get home and put the kids to bed and I continue to be upset.  This was long before I understood shaming, or social collusion, or adult bullying.  This is before I learned about boundaries.  All I knew was that I was angry and my husband was blaming me for over reacting and ruining the meal.  For never being able to get along with my in-laws.  The discussion continues in which he points out that I "can't get along with anyone".  Anyone includes my NM and my NSIS and his family.  He disregards all of the people I DO get along with.  He is blaming me for all of the problems in the family and saying that I need to learn "how to deal with it".  But I don't know how to deal with it.  How to make my feelings of being violated go away.  How to not feel completely helpless in the situation.

I ended up that night in my closet with my father's pistol, ready to commit suicide.  I could not figure out any other way out.  I seemed to be the root of everyone's problems and I felt if I just "got out of the way" they could all go on and be happy.  DH talked me out of it and put me to bed, as I shook and cried.  He thought I was being dramatic and threatening suicide for effect.  I knew that I was seriously at the end of my rope.

I sunk into a deep depression and then shortly after stumbled upon narcissism.  It all finally made sense and the cloud started to lift.  I quit feeling I was the root of all problems.  It has been a LONG road.  DH still doesn't always understand it, although he's MUCH better.  But I no longer feel helpless.  I no longer feel I am to blame.  I no longer feel suicide is my only option.

Buzzing Around

I've been wanting to write more posts about NM and my last visit (and I will) but I've been very busy as of late.  DH and I got very sick for three weeks or so and then we've had just one thing after the other to contend with.
As it is, I've been continuing to receive craziness from NM, and even though I shouldn't be, I'm always surprised by the in roads she chooses to "get" at me.  But, that's another post.

I haven't seen my MIL since she called my husband and offered up her faux apology.  I knew at the time that she wasn't sincere and I really had no hope of things changing.  But, since it was such a completely different tactic from her, the whole situation set off my anxiety.  I was stressed about how this all would play out.

I was guessing that MIL's tactic was that, when she called, DH would say "Oh, no, you're a great mom." and that he'd get the hint that HE actually needed to change his behavior.  I  believe her subtle message was "(DH), by not doing what I want, you've made ME feel badly.  Please fix this.  Or else." She stated in her conversation with DH that her main objective was MORE time with us and I saw very little of her actually wanting to change our relationship.

To DH's credit, he told her that we needed to work on boundaries, to back off of me, and to give us some space.

About two weeks later, FIL was calling to meet up with us.  So much for space.  I could tell DH was wanting to comply.  He said he was still going to speak with his mother, but he wanted to get my input before he talked to her (thumbs up for the fact he is consulting me, thumbs down for the fact that he still hasn't actually talked to her about the issues.  However, I don't feel like these things need to be on a timeline, and so he still can talk to about it all.)  I was very sick, so I didn't have to go.  DH met them at my BIL's house.  I was very anxious, wondering what she was going to say to DH and how she would latch onto my kids.  I rationalized, though, that the kids would be seeing their cousins (whom they really wanted to see) and MIL would be allowed little inroads to them.

When DH came home, he seemed quiet.  He said that things had been fine.  MIL had not hoovered over my older son (as usually) but had played a lot with my younger son (whom she usually ignores).  This made me anxious.  Other than that, DH said that MIL was very quiet and stayed to herself a lot.  FIL only referenced me when he asked DH on the phone "who all is coming over?"  They didn't ask how I was feeling or what I was sick with, as they normally would.

In the next few days, I noticed DH having (sudden) irritability.  It took us several tense discussions and an argument for me to finally notice that EVERY TIME he goes around his parents, he comes back sullen and argumentative.  This is another post, but I do think it was good for both of us to finally see that connection.  That things between us are fine, then he goes and sees his parents, and suddenly he has "issues" with me.

This visit with his parents also started the nagging from MIL about gift ideas.  We really did try to get her something as quickly as possible (I like to be considerate) but since we are giving ideas out to 5 or six different people, it can be complicated to organize.  I know she sent several texts reminding DH to get her the list (she'd had her own ideas, but DH told her to hold off.)  Several days after the gift ideas were sent, she texted that she had gotten YS something different.  This royally pissed me off.  I know it shouldn't, but these games around gift giving get tiresome.   DH said he understood my feelings and that he was going to tell her.  But he didn't, until finally one day (when I was at my wit's end about all of this) I called him on it.  He ended up texting her.  She feigned to not understand why it was a big deal, but ended up just buying extra gifts (and the one we had suggested) for the kids.

So, all of this has happened in the three weeks since she offered to change, and DH told her to give us some space.  During this time, MIL also made contact with me on three separate occasions.  She has been reduced to "restricted" status on my FB page, which means she can only see what I make public, which is nothing aside from my cover/profile photos.    I changed my photos twice and within an hour, MIL had "liked" them.  These are the ONLY access she has to me and I felt crowded that she would immediately like them.  Especially since DH specifically told her to not offer lame flattery (not that "likes" are always flattery, but in her case, it seems to be pathetic attempts to appear interested).  She also sent to my email address (not DH's) an electronic Thanksgiving card.  FOUR DAYS LATE (it arrived Monday morning).  A couple of things about these cards: I dislike them wholly.  You have to spend minutes watching the LAMEST graphics in order to get the message.  She has never sent me (or DH) a Thanksgiving card before.  We received no phone call on Thanksgiving or text from them and had no contact with them at all (which is also odd).  She picks out real paper cards for my kids and DH, but I always get these e-cards on my birthday.  Last Mother's Day, she acknowledged me with one of these cards, but it was also several days late.  (It's an E-CARD.  How can it be late?!)  The message was generic and not addressed to anyone in particular.  

This was the FOURTH contact we'd had from her (not including the little texts) in five weeks time.  I was feeling so pressed in on and claustrophobic.  With my niece and nephews birthdays coming up, I was feeling down right panicky.  Having not actually seen MIL since the beginning of September, I was not happy about having to see her and I feared confrontation.  Or that she would come up and insist on apologizing and "making things right".  I didn't want to be forced, in front of people, to accept her apology.  I didn't want to talk about it at all.  I mean, frankly, she's never even mentioned to ME that she felt she was feeling badly about her behavior.  She's only said things to DH.  And then she ignored every thing he asked of her.

The ILs called the day before the party to NOW insist that they wanted to make a plan to arrange ANOTHER visit to drop off gifts, as the gifts they ordered hadn't arrived yet and couldn't exchange them at the party.  (I think this is a ploy by MIL too to arrange a separate "gift opening" get together, as we always have to do, every year.)  I know was positively hyperventilating at feeling so penned in.  DH said they had planned next weekend.  He did approach me before he called them back and I told him about feeling so claustrophobic and that I needed some space.  That his parents were completely ignoring our boundaries and forcing an increase in contact.  DH arranged for after Christmas to exchange gifts, although we've made no plans yet except for a date.  I figure, when that time comes, I'll decide if I want to even go.  But I didn't like all the pressure of committing to another visit, when I was so stressed about the party and visit the next day.

  I was shaking when I walked into the place, but had a plan to make myself busy with the kids during the activities.  My youngest is still small enough to need me around.  They showed up late (as usually.  I heard my BIL on the phone giving them instructions on where to go.  They had gone to a different venue.  Not coincidentally, this is the same reason they gave for showing up late to my son's party: they didn't know where it was.  But they'd been to my son's venue twice before.  It all sounded like bullshit excuses to me. ).  I think it's horrible that they are always late, but it worked out for me and bought me time to get across the large gym and hide out.  I could feel MIL's eyes watching me when she came in.  As the adults left the entry way and ventured out to the kids, I could see her inching closer and closer, maneuvering.  I finally had to move out of her line of sight, as it was making me uncomfortable, and frankly, irritated to see her face (her facial expression, a combination of glee, and squinting, and nose up in the air, drives me crazy).  Thankfully, at that moment, my youngest son peed his pants.  Not bad enough to have to leave, but bad enough I had to run home and get him clothes (I've never been so thankful for an accident.)  I bolted and was so thankful to have 30 minutes of time taken up.  When I arrived back at the party, it was almost over.  MIL was busy "helping" (taking over for my) SIL with the cupcakes and things (SIL doesn't seem to mind, as she seems to have her head up her ass most of the time.  She spent a lot of the party with some random baby strapped on her chest instead of interacting with her own kids at the party).  I made sure to hang back a bit, near my youngest, waiting for him to finish up so I could change him.

And then she made a beeline for me.  I saw her coming from across the room, in a straight, determined line for me.  Sigh.  I was hoping we could exchange some random pleasantries and be done with it.  Nope.  She was going to hunt me down.  And this is a woman who stalks me around rooms.  I have literally moved chairs to get away from her at times, and she follows me.  She has NO respect for my personal space, listens in on my conversations with others and butts in, and I always feel so trapped around her.

I ignore her as she walks up and stands next to me.  "So, are you ready?" she asks.  I know exactly what she's referring to, as we have the SAME conversation and my niece and nephew parties every year.  This time I pause.  I had decided on "medium chill" with her.  I would answer kindly and politely and with as little response as possible.  I was not interested in engaging in conversation iwth her and I was going to refuse to participate in her charade.

Luckily, I've gotten enough control over my anxiety that I could pause and take a deep breathe, "Ready for what?"

This through her and I saw her bristle and be taken aback.  "Well, uh, uh, for Christmas.  Are you all done?"

I continued to look out at the party and not turn towards her, "Pretty much."

She continues, starting in on her "interrogation" style of conversation, where she fires one question after another at you, not really listening to the responses.  "I mean, do you have your tree up?"

"Yup".

"Well, what about the shopping? Are you done? "  She presses on.

"Mostly."

The old lady is persistent.  "Well, but like do you have them all wrapped under the tree?"

I mean, seriously, does she not take hints?  Or maybe stop drilling me and just engage in some easy conversation, lady?  I hate feeling attacked.  But I notice DH has come closer and is watching (he was giving explicit instructions to keep an eye on me this time and rescue me if necessary.)

"I've done some." I reply.  She continues "Well, I asked (OS) if he was excited and he said 'yes, there are 11 more day!'".  And then she cackles.  I smile and nod.  And then I decide to excuse myself and take YS to the bathroom.  I don't say goodbye, or even look at her, but just take off.  Maybe rude, but I was finished being interrogated.

When I came back, she was busy taking over and "helping" with the gift unwrapping.  It amazes me that BIL just wanders around while MIL does all of the work with this stuff, but I suppose that shows you how everything is "supposed" to work in this family.  I'm able to skirt around her and talk to another friend.  I go up to my niece and nephew and say good bye and happy birthday.  Neither child acknowledges me or even looks at me. (I love my niece and nephew, but manners are not their strong suit).  I gather the kids to go (DH and FIL had gone outside to give them our gifts for Christmas).  OS gets ahead of me, and when I go out I find MIL about to buy him sweets from a vending machine.  She knows she's been "caught" and suddenly starts blubbering asking if it's OK with me.  (She was going to give the sweets to OS and my nephew.  I don't know what she expected to give my YS - the ignored child - but I'm guessing nothing.  She KNEW we were leaving and she also knew my kids had just had a ton of sweets at the party.)  I told her no, it was not OK as we were leaving for dinner.  She got flustered (I secretly enjoyed this, although I shouldn't have) and flung the money at OS, saying he could keep the dollar.  She then realized that my YS would need a dollar and frantically searched for him, with my nephew bugging her for one too.  I left her rummaging in her purse, after having the boys say thank you and a quick good bye and left.  She hollered "have a good Christmas" and I said "you too" and made a dash for the door.

Outside, I expected her to come out to further talk, as FIL was still out saying goodbye.  Luckily, I was spared.  I tried to make sure to be kind and open and pleasant to FIL.  I do like him, despite his codependency and enmeshment and avoidance of confrontation.  And I think he likes me too.  Even though MIL clearly has issues with me, and he is paying the consequences now, he was very kind to me, making sure to say goodbye.  I think he wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but I busied myself with the car seats, because I was sort of feeling uncomfortable.  He couldn't squish down between the cars and said a hearty and kind goodbye before walking back to DH.  I think it speaks volumes that he has tried to maintain kindness and goodwill.


So, I feel SO relieved today.  I'm free of the old bat for two whole weeks!  (Now, if NM would just leave me the fuck alone, I could have a nice little holiday.)  But I do have pangs for the future.  I feel more confident, free, and hopeful than I have in a long time.  I don't feel like I'm bound to put up with her behavior forever.  I told DH what had happened and warned him that this is how I will be dealing with her for the foreseeable future: pleasant but detached.  I will walk away and leave if she presses too hard.  I'm ready to take care of myself and if she feels I'm being rude/unkind/pissed at her, so be it.  I don't care.  I'm still feeling very anxious, but I don't feel helpless anymore.  Progress, right?

So, questions:  Any suggestions on how to deal with her interrogative questions?  Any suggestions on the situation as a whole?

Mosquito

So, it's been radio silence (sort of) since MIL called with her "apology".  DH told her at the time that he would call her back after he'd had some time to think.  In the interim, we took a trip to NM's house (long story, which I will tell later) and were gone for most of the time since that phone call (in addition to having Halloween and then having other commitments when we got back.)  MIL was aware that we had left town.

Before the "apology", and after MIL stomped her feet because we hadn't arranged our schedule to accommodate her, she had FIL call and leave a message that he hoped, since they'd missed us, they could see us the next time they were in town (during the Fall, they come into our town about every two weeks, if not every weekend).  But this was pre-apology, so I didn't know if the "request" was still valid.

Personally, I thought MIL should let DH have the time and space he needed.   But as the time grew closer for their weekend in town, I could almost feel her energy looming over me and around me.  Like, somewhere in the ether, I could feel her anxiety pushing on us to "deal" with the issue and "get back to normal".

I didn't buy the apology from the beginning.  I'm guessing she called, saying she's been a "bad MIL" and has "done some thinking" as mere platitudes and "tokens" to manipulate DH.  I believe she expected DH to say "oh, no, mom!  You're a great MIL.  We've just been busy."  And then, in her fantasy, I imagine she expected DH to apologize to HER for not making time for her and then making up for it all by spending all kinds of time with her....I mean, one of her statements was "I want to spend more time with you."  THIS is her goal, not working on the relationship, or thinking about what she needs to do better.

I also suspect this has something to do with SIL1 and BIL1, whom they usually spend the whole weekend with, babysitting their kids and staying at their house.  I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm getting odd feelings from that direction.  SIL pulled her FB account almost immediately after posting some new photos of her and her kids (on a trip without BIL).  This is not like her and seemed strange (note:  MIL also said to DH "I'm tired of saying things to people and having them take offense to them."  She had indicated to DH that she feels she has "offended" me many times too.  I'm guessing she's less interested in SAYING less offensive things, just that WE take less offense.  Anyway, I'm wondering if she's said something and ticked off SIL1. I also know that my other SIL(2) and BIL(2) are having marital problems -they've hinted on FB, but I'm not sure what is going on there either.  SIL(2) chewed me out at my son's birthday because I let DH communicate invitations through his brother and I don't tell her.  We are not close, do not communicate at all, and this seems silly to me.  If BIL(2) can't tell her what plans he makes with his family, that is HIS problem, in my opinion.  I'm hypothesizing that she, like me and SIL, is getting annoyed that the FOO always comes first and that we are left out of giving opinions or making plans.)

Anyway, I'm guessing that MIL sees much more potential in sucking NS from me and my family at the moment, as the well is going dry over at SIL1's house.  It annoys me to NO end that she just "switches" like this.  I've seen her do it over and over: she and her "best friend" sister get into conflict? She just ignores that sister and starts hanging out with the other one.  She requires a "primary" relationship (NS source) and can cast aside the one for another like an old sandwich that no longer feeds her needs.  (Two side notes: she never goes and sucks NS from DH's two younger brothers.  While we have to see her every month - if not more- she NEVER goes to visit SIL2 and BIL2.  Their home is only another two hours from ours.  She only sucks NS from the youngest BIL, when she can go to the restaurant he manages and get waited on and tons of attention.   The second note:  BIL1 -the one MIL usually sucks from - has been calling DH a ton to do things.   DH has noted this as odd; BIL has been too "busy" with other friends for the most part in the past year or so to do anything with us.  He never calls to set up time and relied on us to set up any time together -and he'd often blow us off.  I think DH hopes that BIL is wising up.  I've tried to gently point out that this is BIL's pattern: he makes new friends, spends all of his time with them and then gets bored - sound familiar?-  We are his "if I have nothing better to do" choice.  He cycles back anytime these fleeting friendships wither away.  I hope, desperately, that DH can see that.)

So, back to my point.  All of this stuff is floating around in the air.  The air feels thick, even to DH, with foreshadowing.  Like a storm is brewing....or something.  But, we don't actually KNOW anything that is going on, so it's a bit unnerving.

On the Friday before they were to come into town, MIL called DH's phone.  She didn't leave a message and only called once, but I had been expecting it.  She wanted to visit the next day, clearly.  It annoyed me to no end that she wasn't allowing DH to work through things and giving him some space.  But, because of FIL's earlier message, I'm guessing she felt we had some obligation to meet up.  I know DH feels guilty that he hasn't called her back, but I don't think he needs to work on HER timetable.  And seriously, we have been gone for six days of the 11 days between when she called to apologize and when "time was up" to get back with the program.  And that's the key, I think she is just hoping to go back to "business as usual".  She's thinking, "I apologized and now it's over and now you need to do what I want and spend untold amounts of time together."

On the following Monday, DH got a call from his brother (BIL2) with questions (related to DH's work).  FIL happened to be with BIL and BIL handed off the phone to him, despite neither DH nor FIL asking to talk to the other (this doesn't surprise me, as BIL2 tends to always pass the phone around).  FIL acted like nothing  is going on.  He asked DH about our trip (of course, like the good little boy he is, BIL1 - the one who used to be NS and has been calling us - had called his mommy and reported exactly what we had been up to.  It annoys me SO much that news travels so fast in this family.  No one is allowed to tell their own stories, as the gossips tend to run with information).   I'm guessing that my FIL, who is quite spoiled and likes life to be "easy", is just trying to ignore it all (that's been his m.o. in the FOO.  Just keep his head down, ignore any drama or chaos, and then move on like nothing is going on.)  In a way, I'm sort of glad that FIL is staying out of it and not "taking sides".  But, I pointed out to DH, it bothers me that, considering FIL and DH think they are so "close", that they are completely ignoring the elephant in the room.  That FIL, having to assume that things might be difficult for DH right now, hasn't bothered to call, check in, or check on DH to see if he's OK.

Last night, I switched my profile picture on FB.  MIL has been on restricted access on my FB for over a month now, since she poached my son's picture off my page and used it to write her own post (directed AT my son.  How the hell is my six year old son going to see something on HER page?  Clearly, he is not, and it was all so she could look like a good grandmother to her friends.)  This new profile photo has been the only photo she's been allowed access to.  And of course, she "liked" it immediately.  Granted, it's a beautiful landscape photo, but it felt more like a "HEY!! YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME.  I'M STILL HERE AND NOT GOING AWAY!!!!" reminder from her. And I can't help but think she jumped on a chance (seeing as it's been her only one) to send a subtle message that she won't allow me any space either.  She's like a mosquito who's annoying buzzing is always reminding me she's there, even if I can't see her.  I can swat her away for a moment, but she always comes back, threatening to suck my life blood from me.

And not even to mention, DH had also told her, specifically, to quit offering phony flattery to me.  To stop with all of the "I like your toenail polish" b.s.  (To which, she refused because "sometimes I DO like her stuff and I'm going to tell her.  Way to miss the point, MIL!)  To me, this is just one more form of her lame flattery and attempts to manipulate my view point of her.  "Hey!  maybe if I like her photo, she'll think I'm a good MIL and like me too!!!!!"  Or maybe she's just clueless and impulsive and can't control herself.  Either way, I wish she'd stay the hell out of my space.

Oh, did I mention that, in all of this time, MIL has made no attempt to reach out to ME and apologize?  Nope.  Just phony "likes" on FB.

Too bad they don't make "MIL spray" the same way they make mosquito spray.

Denial

The weekend ended up being very loaded and I am very exhausted by it all.  NM was OK, or rather, I handled her OK.  I will write more about my interactions with her later.  But I struggled with my MIL.

On Saturday, they showed up at my son's game.  They had been told about it, but hadn't confirmed they were coming, so I figured they weren't.  No suck luck.  MIL bustled immediately next to DH, so close their chairs touched.  She then preceded her "interrogation".  Or at least that's what if felt like to me.  Question after question after question.  "Does DS have a woman teacher? Does he eat hot or cold lunch?  When does he get home?"  "What kind of party is DS having?  What decorations did you buy?  What is he having a cake or cupcakes?  What kind?"  Writing it down doesn't sound so bad, but it was just one question after another.  There was no "conversation" to the conversation.  She would ask a question and DH would answer.  And then another immediate question.  There was no open ended questions in which a conversation could be sparked.  She directed none of the questions at me.  DH believes that she is "just trying to make conversation" and "doesn't know what to say".   Maybe.  Her anxiety is palatable (which is so odd, because she isn't an "anxious" person in general.  DH believes that I make her anxious.  I also believe that my NM makes her anxious. ) 

When the woman walked up, I gave a half-assed wave (and I will admit, she makes my skin crawl.  I wish, with all I'm worth, that I didn't feel so anxious, angry, and irritated around her.  That I could just emotionally disconnect like I've learned to do with my NM.  I'm not sure why this is, but I believe it has something to do with her still having "hooks" in my DH and me feeling like she can still control me through him.)  I don't make more of an effort because I don't want to encourage her.  I am not interested in being her friend or having a relationship.  This bothers DH.  I am willing to tolerate her and be cordial, but I'm not interested in being friendly.  DH sees this as "contributing" to the problem.

But I will point out that MIL didn't say hi to me either.  She gave a general wave to the group.  Several times she asked questions or made comments that really should've been directed at me.  "Wow" she told DH "that's a nice camera you have".  I was holding the camera, the whole family knows that I take all the family photos, and she's seen my camera a DOZEN times or more, which made the "compliment" seem phony and bullshitty.   I will also say I was anxious about my son's game, tired, stressed from NM, and hadn't made conversation with anyone else either.  MIL also proceeded to tell DH who of his brothers were coming to the party the next day.  It annoyed me that none of them had bothered to call DH himself.   It is this sort of thing that makes me feel enmeshed and icky and like all information has to go through MIL.  She has to know EVERYTHING that is going on.  But no one else sees it like that.

Anyway, when we got home, DH and I were discussing it and he said he felt we "both contributed" and "both to blame" and that neither of us tried.  I suppose this is true, but I told him that I had purposely not made any effort to see what happened.   In my analysis of the situation, if I don't approach MIL, if I don't make myself available, then SHE gets all anxious and weird and closes off.  I pointed out that both MIL and BIL expect everyone to come to them.  And if they don't, then they just ignore you.  As MIL and BIL are not shy and are very outgoing people, I can only see this as a self-centered N trait. 

The next day at the party, ALL of my ILs came into the party, greeted the woman I was talking to and walked past me.  Granted, I had my back to them, but seriously.  They know it was me.  When I called "hello" to MIL as she skirted past me, she quickly turned, gave a phony smirk smile and then bustled past me.  I didn't see her again for awhile. 

A bit later, NM approached me and relayed a story in which FIL asked if my son would participate in a particular sport (not ironically, the sport my husband was a "star" in and that everyone associates DH with.  I am not fond of this sport for a number of reasons.   Some of which is that meets take all day and that you often spend most of your weekend at them, as opposed to say baseball where you spend a couple of hours one day.  I also think some of the things children are expected to do for this sport are not healthy.  And I don't want to push my kid to do something just because his dad did.   And my kid already does other sports.  Plus I want him in other activities BESIDES sports.)  Anyway, NM said "Jessie doesn't want him to."  FIL replied "so it's all about Jessie?"

I'll admit, this one crushed me.  I know they think I control my kids and DH.  I know they think I'm over cautious with my kids and uptight.  But it hurt to hear him say this about me.  I thought I, slightly, had an ally with FIL.  And the truth is, this sport is what FIL wants DS to do.  FIL also was very pushy in having DH do this sport.  In fact, FIL is often to wrapped into sports and I think it is his way of escaping reality.  He can talk sports with his kids and think he's connecting.  I've often seen him retreat into sports during family functions.  I even found him in the bar during my wedding reception watching a football game. 

In addition, I was giving several other bits of bad news.  And my girl, who keeps claiming she wants to be my friend, who I've confided in about my family issues, who knows these parties are hard for me, decided to DROP OFF HER DAUGHTER SO SHE COULD GO SHOPPING.  She could see I was visibly shaken when she stopped and still left. 

MIL approached me and my son later with some more of her interrogations.  She wonders why the kids don't have a relationship with her, but all she does is fire off questions.  She doesn't take time to really listen or ask them things so that THEY can talk and share with her.  During the party she stood between the two play areas.  This is typical for her. She doesn't bother to go in, play with the kids, or interact (all other parents do, except my FIL who, surprise, watches football).  She also approached me toward the end of the party and asked "Can I put the food away?"  I'd already put away most of it, but left out the snacks, as we had 20 more minutes.  It always drives me nuts how she only offers to help with very specific jobs.  She doesn't ask what she can do, but offers up what she wants to do.  And if you say yes, she doesn't ask how you'd like things (like where to put them) but just starts stuffing things wherever.  NM does the same thing.  I'm sure I'm being petty, but it doesn't feel like they are helping when they are steam rolling over me and not asking how I need things done. 

SIL spoke to me briefly.  BIL (MIL's GC) didn't say hi at all.  This is a game we play, as I rarely say hi to him because I (accidently) discovered that if I didn't approach him (over a year ago) he just ignored me.  For an entire year, I just didn't say hello first.  And he just ignored me.  When I did say hello, he would talk to me.  It's very, very strange.

I went home from the party shattered.  I was bummed I had such a horrible time and had ended up in a back room crying by myself.  I felt horrible that I couldn't enjoy my son's party.  I felt sad and guilty that I was having drama during his party.  I only hope that I pulled myself together enough and that he didn't notice.   I really tried to connect with the children (and a few adult friends) and stay out of the fray.    I didn't say anything to MIL, and she kept dancing around me, but I had no desire at that point.

DH was oblivious to all of this all.  When we got home, I left the kids to play with their toys and my stepdad and went to cry (again) in my walk in closet.  He came to find me and I could see he was visibly shaken when I told him what happened.  He was kind and consoling, but he didn't say that his father was wrong.   He said he was surprised his dad said that and was sure he was joking.  I said, even if he was joking, it wasn't very kind. 

DH didn't sleep at all that night.  He is so upset about this all.  I think he KNOWS how things are.  I mean, he can't deny that his parents don't make an effort to actually get to know his kid.  That just "being in the room" with them doesn't count.  That his brothers are horribly uncles who only pay attention to the kids when they want to.  That they don't make any effort to actually be involved with our kids.  He can't deny that the family has issues.

But he can NOT let go of the fact that he wants is family in his life.  The next day I told him that by making a big deal out of his parents or uncles throwing crumbs at our kids, he is teaching them that is all they are worth.  He said I'm teaching our kids that I can't have a decent relationship with ANYONE in the family (I pointed out later that this is a generalization and splitting and just not true).  I pointed out that I have just as good a relationship with most of them as he does.  I'm just not satisfied with surface-y relationships and relationships in which real love and support and affiliation is absent.  

I know this is killing DH.  I know he wants a big family, huge celebrations, love and support.  I get that.  But he can't get that he never had that BEFORE I pointed it out.  That, many years ago, when I DID TRY,  the relationship wasn't any better.  That NM and my sister (yes, he threw my sister at me) are impossible to have a family relationship with.  He knows that this is a particular vulnerable thing for me, to say it's just me, and saying that NM and my sister is my problem is just bullshit.   And he knows it too.  And frankly, I think I have been dealing with NM just fine, considering I haven't completely cut her off. 

I don't know where to go from here with him about this.  He seems stuck in the "put up with it" phase.  Or the denial phase.  Or somewhere in between.  He simultaneously tells me that my mother and sister are the craziest people he's every met, that he doesn't like either of them, but then tells me that I'm teaching my kids not to have relationships with immediate family.  I feel stuck, as what he says is technically true.  I am keeping my mother and sister at arm's length.  But that's due to THEM, not me. 

We've been going around this all for two days.  I get that he's feeling sad and depressed.  I've told him I'm not asking him to cut off his family, only to look at it realistically.  To quit putting more into it (and describing it) as more than it is.  To get rid of some of that baggage so we can make room for people who really do love us.  To try and help me work on healthy boundaries, healthy ways of interacting (with them and us) so that we can teach our kids that.  To set boundaries with his family.  To stick up and protect his wife and kids from their scapegoating and favoritism  (did I mention MIL blatantly favors my older son?  This is one of the things that has finally helped DS see the light.) 

I get how hard this is for him, the grieving, the denial, the wanting it to be different.  And I'm thankful he's not so anger and completely blaming me anymore.  I've seen his empathy for me and his commitment to our marriage and family grown.  I know he can look at our boys (whom everyone says are so smart, well behaved, sweet, and considerate) and see that, if I was the stingy bitch they think I am, the kids wouldn't be so great (a lot is just because I have great kids, but I have helped).  I just don't know how to move from here.  I don't know what to do.  I know that I'm ready to speak up, and fuck them if they don't like it.  I know that I'm going to try to focus on what I want and need and not feel guilty.  I just don't know if he can go there. 

Checking In

A couple of months ago, my youngest son decided he wasn't going to nap.  At all.  No quiet time, nothing.  So, there went my blogging time.  That and summer's gotten busy, and I've just had not time to check in.

But, I've been overwhelmed, depressed and thought it a good time to process a few things.  I had been feeling a lot better.  I had been gaining big strides, making lots of progress.  I was experiencing much less anxiety.  I felt stronger and happier than I had in a long time (still not strong, or really all that happy, but I felt better.  I was working hard to remember that I wouldn't be "there" immediately in this process.  )

And then I got tired of dealing with it all.  Some inkling of realization that "this is reality.  They really are these difficult people and I'm really going to have to deal with them, like this, every day forever.  There will be no change, no progress, no "relationship" with them.  Because they are incapable of it.  So, I will now only be "managing" them."  That was a hard thing to come to terms with.  Since the "record plea for peace" NM has been keeping her distance.  Mostly.  That means weekly, sometimes daily, emails or texts.  Often several texts in one day (think like 10).  But mostly she's been quiet.  She did "perk up" when we went on vacation.  I avoided telling her before we left that we were going.  She found out when we were in the middle of it.  Then I got "text me when you get home" and emails about her latest argument with her husband and bugging me to let her know "how things went" and "how is the driving going".  Leave me alone. 

She's been bringing up my sister when she gets a chance.  Just throwing her in.  "Oh, you saw that.  NSIS said this about it."  Or "Oh, you're on vacation?  I just booked tickets to visit (the city Nsis lives in)." (It was a tad more subtle than this, because she linked something we were doing on vacation, to something she will also do in NSIS's town.  None the less, it was pretty obvious her point.) 

My step sister (I have two SS and two SB's -plus spouses- on my mother's side.  We have never had a relationship.  They never really cared to include us - we were on their "turf" as NM tried to "assimilate" us into their life, not vice versa.  They weren't mean, just completely ignored me and NSIS.  This got worse when NSis started acting out in high school and all family members were greatly impacted, including them.) had decided she wanted to do a "family photo shoot" HAHAHAH.  I haven't seen some of these people in YEARS and only communicate through the family Christmas card exchange, despite all living relatively close and having opportunities to see each other.  Once, this particular step sister drove across the state to attend a business conference at the resort I worked at.  It's not a big place and I was easy to find, but she never made it down the staircase to the restaurant to find me.  Anyway, she wanted a family photo shoot to "celebrate" our "parent's marriage".  Again, HAHAHA.  Not only would I have had to take vacation time to accommodate their Sunday afternoon time slot (they all live close and can travel home and back in one day), we would've had to drive 6 hours, each way, and.....BE IN A PICTURE WITH NSIS AND HER SCUZZY BOYFRIEND.  Um, no. 

Why in the world Nm even fantasized this would happen, I don't know.  I haven't spoken to NSIS in two years.  What, would we just show up and throw our arm's around each other?  The ultimate "pretend" game?  I'm sure NM thought....hoped... that we would be the reason to "finally come together" and she could take credit for the reconciliation.  But, at the same time, NM kept saying how ridiculous she thought the photo was (she dislikes SS and was angry that SS didn't think about "her children" when planning the photo.  That it's "all about SS".)

Anyway, I refused to go.  I was very proud of myself, as I didn't JADE (much).  In any course, I stayed emotionally neutral.  Even when NM pointed out that "NSIS's boyfriend is insisting they come.  He thinks it's important to support me."  HAHAHAHAH!  Oh yeah, the physically abusive, freaky boyfriend, wants to support you?  Good for you.  (And for the record, NM booked her vacation to see NSIS the weekend before the shoot was supposed to happen.  So, I know they are not going.  I'm not surprised.  NSIS hasn't been back to my mother's home in 6- SIX- years.)

So, that was that.  All this came up at my youngest son's birthday.  On that note, the party went well.  I invited people OUTSIDE of the family, and what do you know, it was mostly pleasant ;).

NM did try some of her bullshit.  We had an incident in February, in which she watched my sons for a half hour while I went out for a walk.  Later that night, NM laughingly told me, "Don't tell OS, but he knocked over  a lamp today.  I accidently showed him some of your gifts for him when getting a new light bulb for the lamp.  I told him, if he didn't tell on me to you, I wouldn't tell on him."  She told me this laughingly and thought it was hysterical.  I was sickened.  That she would BLACK MAIL my son, and then make him think he was doing a favor was disgusting.  That she would convince him that lying to me - and lying in general - was OK, as long as you don't get caught, is so messed up.  I told her in no uncertain terms that she couldn't pull that bullshit with my kid.  There was of course, retaliation for that for me, but that's another story.

Anyway, she told me "I'll babysit, and I promise, we won't have a lamp incident."  I didn't think it was funny.

She took my MIL's side several times when I was discussing some of the things that MIL had been doing to me.  She even made sure to spend extra time "bonding" (her word) with MIL and discussing getting together to "hang out" for the weekend.  Clearly, she's trying to hurt my feelings.  Completely dismissing what I've said about MIL and believing MIL is a "good person". (also despite what she's said and seen of MIL in the past.  She's only a fan of MIL when she's angry with me.)

She was OK with the kids.  She wasn't too obnoxious, except for a DAYS long pat on the back for putting my son to bed.  Making sure to retell all of the wonderful things she did to get him to sleep.  (The implication is that she was a hero for doing something I couldn't or wouldn't do.  Or that she was "saving me" from doing.)  I ignored this.

She did pick a huge political argument, although she let step father do most of the actually arguing.  She just sat, kicking my stepfather under the table and rolling her eyes whenever I was speaking (I was turned away from her, DH told me about this later.)  She's just brimming under her cool, controlled, icy exterior to get at me, it seems.  Wanting so badly to put me in my place, but being unable to and not wanting to blow her cover. 

So, aside from that, it's been quiet around her when it comes to her.  Aside from that.  It's kind of crazy to write all of that down and then think about how this is her, on "mellow".  That she's often been a lot worse (or maybe I've handled it a lot more poorly?)

SIL and BIL haven't been around much.  They're busy crafting a new personality (new looks, new attitudes, new friends.  Aside from narcissism, they seem to be having a mid-life crisis).    Even friends of their's have been complaining about them to DH about how they've just "dumped" everyone and moved on.  BUT, at least they are out of my hair for awhile.

No news on the NSIS front.  She occasional leaves a comment on my FB photos.  Or likes random comments I put up.  I'm guessing that's more to keep me on my toes.  There is no rhyme or reason.  Or maybe that's how I "appear" in her mind; random notes that float in and out of her consciousness.  I doubt she thinks about me and our situation nearly as much as I think about her.

The in-laws.   Well, I haven't seen them a lot.  That helps.  I did have an incident that triggered a bunch of feelings that  I will write about in my next post.  I've really been able to clarify my understanding of the dynamics in DH's family.  Not that the understanding helps much.  Sometimes I feel still stuck in the same trap of dysfunction with them.  No matter how much progress I make.  DH can SEE everything, but hasn't bothered to fully un-enmesh with them.  He keeps saying "yes, I see how they are, but they are family and we have to be around the."  I'm trying to get him to see that being around them doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit.  Peace at all cost.  I feel like, if I say I don't like something and they can't handle it and blow up at me, that's on THEM.  He seems to feel the opposite. 

In addition, here are a few highlights:

MIL planned a birthday party for FIL.  She is notoriously horrible at this stuff (she CAN NOT communicate with vendors and always has issues. )  She is scattered and disorganized (at a party, serving alcohol, she had NO water for people.  And nothing other than soda for the kids - she knows my kids don't drink soda, it's actually DH's rule).  She attempted several times to get DH to take over.  Thankfully, he wiggled out.  The party was OK (she avoided me) but the next day we got a lot of pressure to stop by.  When we did (I knew we were going, but DH kept telling me we weren't....and then that morning breakfast plans got cancelled and we had to go over there), I refused to go in the house because of the dog.  It was a chilly day, but not horrible, but FIL kept complaining he had to come outside (the kids were playing outside too, but he didn't care). 

At the party, my MIL got all three kids cake, except my youngest (he wasn't right by them, but close.  And she's always pushing food on the other kids.  And there was only four kids, her grandkids, so it was odd she left him out.)  She also gave the three other kids the sportsball magnets off the cake and left out my son (he's the littlest, but only by six months than his cousin.)  Again, he wasn't right there, but I think it's unfair to give all the kids one, and not him just because he wasn't standing there.  (I'd say it was coincidence too, but last summer, she gave a NEW toy to my OS - her golden boy- and nothing to my younger son - who was 2, small, but not small enough to be excluded.)

The day after the party, MIL shoved a bag of clothes she had bought for my sons (and not at HER son, who was beside her.  I'm guessing I was supposed to be thankful and give her a "point.")  True to form, most of it was unattractive.  But the kicker was that the stuff for my son was for an infant.  He was a month from THREE at the time.  But she'd bought him 12-18 months cloths.  As she shoved them at me, she told me how "cute they were"  and "such a good deal".  Way to toot your own horn MIL.

As I've written before, BIL and SIL planned a "family vacation" with MIL and FIL over the weekend of my younger son's birthday.  Nobody bothered to tell us (we all know when the parties will be each year and MIL and FIL make a big deal about being invited).    DH found out by accident.  MIL called weeks before the party, in a panic (we had purposely not told her when we scheduled it, by misfortunate, it had to be the day after they got back and they would be able to attend.) saying they would "change their flights".  Yeah, right.  Such a martyr move (I'll change my flight to come!!!!  How about just offering up a fucking apology, lady?)  She then asks DH for ideas for gifts, and is taken a back when we say we've given out all of our ideas already.

The day of the party, MIL and FIL are FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE.  I can't help but notice there absence.  And I must say I was a bit gleeful.  Finally, the f-ers were getting CAUGHT.   MIL spoke little to me but, hoofed off (she waddles like one of those "Weeble-Waddle" people when she walksand bustles past people a lot.  Huge boobs out, charging forward.) Later, as I drove home with NM, she commented on MIL being late and explained that MIL had been lost.  LIE!  MIL had just been to the party place a few months before.  It's not hard to find and it's a small area between three major roads.  So, she had to call BIL to "give her directions" (she is such a child, that she often expects her son's to help her figure out how to get places.)  And besides, 45 minutes for lost?  I live in a fairly small town, which MIL comes to about 20 weekends a year.  Anyway, MIL does not speak to me the entire time.  She continues to waddle-bustle past me, always in a "hurry".  The gift she brings for my SON, is wrapped in girly-pink wrapping paper (not that I'm all about gender appropriate, but it just so clearly showed how little she gives a shit about my son.)  DH later told me that she had explained to him that, not only were they lost, but that FIL had so busy setting up the camp trailer (they had decided to camp outside my town.) that they lost track of time.  I'm not sure wtf she was doing that impaired her from telling time, but it was all FIL's fault.  So, she LIED to my mother, covered her ass and blamed FIL (with a shifty explanation in my book) , and actually admitted, that yes, they were late due to their own poor planning.  And I didn't get an apology or an explanation at all.

She also gave both my kids money for their piggy bank.  The older son, whose not even the birthday boy, got MORE.

The next day, she and FIL come to my kids game (which the "luckily" could come to when we told them about it last minute.  They'd had the schedule of all the other games, but couldn't make those.  Not coincidentally, it was also DH's birthday.  I'm sure I was expected to invite them over afterwards, but I'd had my fill.  This is when NM decide to swoop in and "bond" with MIL, ignoring my kids' pleas to come home and play, and instead hanging out with MIL in the parking lot for half an hour.)  FIL, who is a mostly nice guy, guffawed and made jokes about the kids (5 year olds.).  It wasn't wholly in appropriate (not man jokes) but I still thought not OK.    MIL didn't talk to me the whole game, not say hi.  (I'm guessing she felt shame for not showing up at the party on time.  So, instead of apologizing and move on, she decides to be nervous and tense and act weird.)  She did manage to yell "TAG YOUR BASE" at my son (none of yell at the kids.  They are little, very little.)  I was glad they were away from me.

So, that was months ago, and I've had some peace and quiet.  After next weekend, I'll have a few more weeks of peace.  However, some issues have really clarified in my mind about my in-laws and I'll explore them in my next post.