"She's beautiful, inside and out" (Or, why am I such a misfit)

Fellow blogger, Judy, often titles posts "Brain Dump" when needing to get something off her mind. This is going to be a "Heart Dump" post.  I just need to get some feelings off my chest so they quit festering.

While all of this stuff has been going on with MIL, I've seen her family hardly do anything to help her or my FIL out.  One BIL went down and actually helped.  We tried (twice) to stop by and see her.  Her GC, seemingly, had lakes to visit and other activities to do.  DH finally organized a trip for all of MIL's kids to come and see her.  That was it.

Yet, they continue to play big, happy family on FB.  (I know, I shouldn't look at FB.  They are all on "restricted" status, so I can't see if I don't look, but sometimes I get curious.  Plus, it keeps me in the loop, so I'm never taken by surprise by their antics.  It also helps to keep track of what they are lying about.)  They talk about "family" and hanging out together....yet, when BIL and SIL were up at a family vacation home, all I saw were tons of photos of the FRIENDS they took up (probably to show off).  One of our mutual friends describes it as BIL's "fan club", which seems about right.

It was SIL's birthday, and they all made a HUGE deal wishing her happy birthday.  Every one of them has an addiction to exclamation points.  (Seriously!!!! Everything they say is followed by them!!!!! I don't even think they know how to use periods!!!!!)  BIL said "Happy Birthday, Sis!!!"  She is not his actual sister.  He has NEVER referred to me as his sister.  In fact, he didn't even wish me a happy birthday this year.  Or the year before that.  He and SIL are not particularly close (although SIL and BIL are very dependent on this BIL for "advice".  They treat him sort of like a parent and he loves that they "look up" to him and "admire" him.  He likes that they maintain the image of himself that he has created.)  My other SIL, whom I used to be close too until I found out she sold me out repeatedly, made a big gushy thing about "can't wait to see you!!!!!".  I live five minutes from her house.  I haven't seen her in months (unless you count her crabby, pouty butt at my son's birthday party.  She was hung over and had all kinds of attitude about having to be there.)

I know it's an act.  I know that it's phony.  I know that I don't want any part of that bullshit.  And I refuse to play into their egos.  But it still upsets me.

My NM and NSIS just got back from a vacation they took together.  NM was in Vegas for a conference.  She had told me she was having my aunt come down and stay with her a few days.  She did not say that she was having my sister come down.  NM tells me all of her comings and goings, so to omit this information was intentional.  I got to find out on FB, when they started posting tons of gushy photos of the two of them gambling and drinking.    They kept saying how "beautiful" the other one was and how much FUN they were having, just the two of them.  I had no desire to be there (I took two "girls vacations" with them a decade ago.  Either my sister or I were crying the entire time.).  And I guess I probably should have appreciated not being put on the spot and asked to go.  But there seemed to be an insensitivity to their posting all their photos.  NM has repeatedly told me how "close" they are now (in the time that I've been NC with NSIS).  NSIS has been making such a big deal about what a "wonderful mom" NM is.  Although I don't think they were trying to send me a message by posting them, I can't help but think that they hoped I'd be jealous.  Or mad.  Or feel badly about it all.  That's just how they are (I know this, because I've seen NM do it to other people.)

I'm sure it's very phony (after the first drunken night and all of the posts, I saw nothing for the next few days until NM changed her profile photo to one of her and my sister.  The previous one for the past two months had also been of her and my sister.)  I've watched my mother "construct" posts before to make things look better than they are.  I wonder if their relationship is always as "happy" as they claim it to be (I'm not sure how it could be.  Before I went NC, they both complained about the other one often . I can't imagine that everything has changed in that time.  Although they certainly seem to want me to think so.  I wonder if they want me to believe it's BECAUSE I'm out of the picture.)

But it does hurt.  It irritates me and rubs me the wrong way.  But why?!?  Why do I care?  Why can't I let all of this go?  Why does it matter to me that they are continuing on with their charade (or maybe they all really believe they are "one big happy family....without Jessie".  I know partly it makes me doubt myself.  Like maybe if I tried just a bit harder, looked the other way when they pulled out their bullshit, let things go, I could handle it.  Or that maybe I'm just a fucking misfit and can't manage to fit in.  How can they all continue on like this?  Do they really think this is what "family" is?  Surface crap that doesn't actually extend to real love, compassion, or consideration?  The only one of my BILs (my husband's blood siblings) that acknowledges my kids on their birthdays is the one that has to (because his kids are invited to the party).   None of them acknowledge my DH on his birthday.  My sister has ignored my children since I put up the boundary that I would only speak with her on email and only after we addressed some of my concerns about our relationship.  She claims she LOVES them so much, yet does nothing of substance to prove it.  NM has never bothered to ask why I feel the way I do regarding my sister, has not asked if something is wrong with me (I mean, if your daughter pulled away from you, wouldn't you ASK if everything was OK).  NM actually doesn't ask about me at all.  When she does contact me, it's to bitch about my step siblings or talk about herself.  I know THAT is the reality of the situation, so why do these phony displays of love bother me so much?

I'm just so frustrated with myself.  I want to move on.  I want to not care.  I want to let them live their phony bullshit without me.  Why can't I?

Rage, then Anger, than Annoyance, and then Hurt

My NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed.  The relationships have always been very codependent.

As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister.  We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there.  In social situations, we were always together.  Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her.   In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going.  Not so much in others.  We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.)  My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).

My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship.  NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM.  NM always babied her and coddled her.  NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father).  Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants.  NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.)  NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I.  NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off.  NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.

NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too.  When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.)  I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores.  I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her.  NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge".  If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded.  My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.)

NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her.  She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.)  She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts.  Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more.  I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.)  She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.)

Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel.  How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own.  No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her.  I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints.  For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.)  Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.

My sister is very dependent on my mother.  When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out.  She got ALL of the therapy.  She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all).  She relies on my mother to help her out.  But she also gets very annoyed with her.  NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about.  NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home.  She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more.  NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P)  My sister rarely visited NM in her home.

Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better.  They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of).  I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent).  They act very lovey dovey on FB.  They are very defensive about each other.  While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it.

My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister.  She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister.  She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation.  Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say).  When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me.  She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile.  She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me".  I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation.  In fact, she doesn't even ask about me.

I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.)  I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything.  NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.)  But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation).  I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy".  But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?

NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS.  Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love".  BARF.

I do not want to be on NM's profile.  I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else.  She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public).  I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together.  In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them.  Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering.  Few real conversations.  Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself.  The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible.

But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister.  It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside.  That she has taken sides (which I've always felt).  When my sister was in town, fine.  But just randomly?  And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo.  It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS.  And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something.  I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people.  She loves to bait.

Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing.  You should be acknowledging it!!!")  I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet.  And photos like that one just plain piss me off.  I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt.

Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore.  (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.)  But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this.  How my well being is of little concern to her.  Now of this shocks me or surprises me.  And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters".  Blech.

Narcissistic Ping Pong (Or: Why it's a Bitch to set Boundaries with an N)

A little background first.  NM has been privy to many times that I have been upset by MIL.  I have confided in her many times and she has seen, first hand, some of the crazy behaviors MIL has had towards me.  In the beginning, when I actually thought she had my back, I would tell her a lot of stuff.  I've learned to temper what I say (where it was later used as "evidence" of why I was wrong in arguments.  Clearly, I couldn't get along with "anyone", neither NM, MIL, or NSIS, so it must be ME, she would imply.  In a discussion with NM about an issue I was having with NM, my confidence was turned into "proof" that was wrong.)  If NM didn't throw it in my face, I know NM felt a secret "alliance" with MIL.  I know my difficulties with my MIL helped her to believe it was all my fault too.

Rarely did my NM express any real empathy or sympathy.  She'd offer a few stories about how she was treated as a DIL, and then run off on a tangent with that.  And I never felt like I had her support.  She gives MIL just as much credibility as me in the issue.  Meaning: to NM, it's like just as much me as it is my MIL.  I get no benefit of the doubt as her daughter.

Several times, she's become indignant at MIL's behavior towards me.  I've heard "I can't believe how these people treat you.  It really pisses me off."  And I really do believe she is fully angry and sees the treatment for what it is.  Not to support me, but because she loves to take the victim side that someone would treat HER daughter that way.  She and my MIL have had a few minor scuffles.  NM has been annoyed (by her own admission) by MIL's behavior at times and sees MIL as trying to one up her.  She often expresses jealousy over the fact that we (and the grandkids) "see MIL more often."  followed up with "you'd think they'd be closer."

When I've explained clear hazards with MIL babysitting, NM agrees that it's an issue, but than always suggests that MIL should babysit too.  I think this is more about her being angry that I don't allow EITHER of them alone with the kids and so she thinks she and MIL are on the same "team" to get freer access to the kids.

Several times, NM has flat agreed with MIL.  Several times, she completely invalidates me by saying "Well, she's always been nice to me."  "(DH's parents) are so nice."  (Step mom does this too me too.) Last summer, she spent time after OS's baseball game chatting with my ILs in the parking lot (about 20 minutes) instead of spending her last bit of time with her grandkids (whom she says she doesn't get enough time with.)  When we called to see if they were OK because they hadn't arrived yet, she said "WHAT? Can't we bond with your ILs?"

Which, I suppose, if they actually liked each other would be fine.  But they don't.  They dance around each other like animals over territory, very careful to always be cordially distant.  But, like I said, they've had confrontations.  MIL has clearly pissed off my NM on occasion.  But they don't talk often, aren't friends, and don't see each other.  They occasionally bond about "their generation".  And this summer MIL invited NM up to hang out at their vacation property.  Blech.


So, fast forward.  I have spent SIX years trying to get NM to tone down gifts: less money (it's obscene), less quantity (it's obscene), and when all else failed, just the SIZE.  (Gifts are often 2X3 ft. square -or more- and don't fold up.  These are not easy to store.  And my kids actually do use all of their toys (part of being a stay at home mom) and so it's hard to just give them away if they are still using them.  Anyway, it's my house, and if I don't want huge toys, so be it.  (And I'd even be willing to compromise, an occasional big gift if it was really cool and would be special to the kids.  But not 3 times a year: their birthday, their brother's birthday, and Christmas.  And a special extra trip for toys every time they visit. )  I have TRIED and tried and tried to curtail this shit.  Talking, boundaries, making it "clear".  But it's always circumvented: they've told the kids they have a "surprise", so it's hard to refuse or some other method.  When I would find a stop to it, they'd find a new route.  And it's "they".  Step dad teams up with NM on this one.  Grandparents are "meant" to spoil the kids.  It's their "right".  And, in some ways, they do spoil the kids in good ways: really cool experiences with Grand dad and some neat things.  But it is so excessive.

Two months ago, NM and I were talking about a similar situation in which a parent refused a grandparent's gift that was too large after being told it was not OK.  She thought this was awful and said "You tell me all of the time that I can't buy large gifts, but I do it anyway.  I mean, if I find something cool."  So, she clearly has heard my boundary, she clearly understands my boundary, and she clearly is choosing to ignore this boundary.  And she is choosing to justify it was an argument that sounds awfully a lot like something I said above: that I would allow it if it was "once and awhile".  But it's not.  It's all of the time.  Every time, three times a year.  She conveniently neglects this point.

I take this opportunity to tell her to please, please, please, please, please to not get a large gift for my son's this Christmas.

She sends me an email to "please do no be mad at the size of YS's gift."  Followed by a large (expensive, I found out today) gift.  Sigh.

I decided that I had laid down the boundary, she ignored it, and now it was time to be clear about the consequences of doing this again.

The therapist suggested this is "pushing back" but I felt that was too aggressive a descriptive for what I was doing.  I felt this was merely standing my ground.  How do you all feel?

When she emailed asking if the package had arrived, I replied something to the effect of "It did, at least the larger of the two.  I sure hope it is the larger of the two, as it is very big.  I'll have to ask you to stop sending big gifts or I will start sending them back."  I had DH proof read it for "emotional loadedness".  Which I'm sure she'd see anyway, but he said it was fine.

Several days later, I got a very pathetic, guilt laden, hurt-that-I-called-her-out email in return.  Hurt that I had refused her "gift".  She offered up the receipt and to just let her know and she'd "work on this at the birthdays."

Then radio silence.  Then an email about how she needs to get started on a family reunion she's planning this summer at her house for her side of the family.  A family that has tried to politely tell her they are not interested.  A reunion with my sister in attendance.  Despite REPEATED rebuffs of getting together with my sister, despite a two year estrangement, she thinks my sister and will show up and stay together at my mother's house.  She's wanting me to commit to dates I have open.  She hasn't really spoken to any one else yet for concrete days (I'm sure she'd say, "well, I wanted to give you first consideration" but she's really trying to shore me up and make me commit.  Give her something to hold me to.)  I IGNORED this email.  It felt like an obvious trap.  I could see no road from a response on my part that would end well for me.

In between this, she puts on my sister's FB page "love you babes!!"  which is so 'un'-her (it's the FB her, the manufactured mom).  I get nothing (fine).  I have been avoiding liking her page, but I just can't "like" bullshit and lies.

Radio silence.  She texts and asks if I got my grandfather's Christmas card.  He's getting old and can't write as well, you know.  So he wasn't sure you got it.  I don't know why I need to tell my NM every year that I get my grandfather's card so that she can tell him (I always send a thank you card.  Not right away but always...oh, he sends a little bit of money for the kids and is anxious to know it arrived.)  But, whatever.  Sometimes replying to this "bullshit" stuff gets me off the hook with bigger stuff and she moves on after I ignore her.  So, I reply that I got it, sent her Christmas gifts out and hope she had a nice weekend.

She replies earlier today that she got the package (and then something to tell DH).  I didn't reply.  Wasn't really feeling in the mood to play "text ping pong" and figured her text didn't need a reply (sometimes if you reply, you get caught up in a huge thread and she won't let the texting stop.)

Tonight, she texted me and asked for my in-laws address.  No reason why.  Just wanting their address.

At the same time, she texted my husband a thank you for a gift he'd sent my step dad (not HER and my step dad, just step dad.  Not sure why she was thanking him.)  No question about HIS parent's address.

She has my in-laws address too.  They have exchanged "sympathy" cards when their parents died.  (Side note, MIL sent a sympathy card to my mother when her mother died, but nothing to me, as it was my grandmother.  But, whatever.  In fact, I don't remember them expressing sympathy at all.)  Other than that, they have NEVER exchanged cards.  NM and MIL rarely exchange Christmas cards with anyone.

I can't help but feel she is choosing to send my MIL a Christmas card to hurt my feelings.  Maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe I'm reading too much into the situation.  It's quite possible.  It's time's like this I wonder if I'm crazy, finding conspiracy where there is none.

It is quite possible she was moved by DH being kind to my step father (which he really was) and thought "I want to send MIL and FIL a card."  And, by her own admission, NM is always sad how few people are on her Christmas card list (actually, she bitches about it, but whatever.  She's sad.)  I get it.

But, what I don't get, is how it doesn't even OCCUR to her that, by befriending a woman who has caused her daughter SO MUCH PAIN, it feels like betrayal.  I'm not asking her to be mean, or rude, or unkind to this woman.  It makes it easier that they get along.  I wish she could support me more in my struggle with MIL (do you KNOW how much that would help to at least feel I had my mom on my side?).  But it is what it is.  I'm not asking them to fight. (And for the record, MIL and my SIL's mother can't stand each other.)

But it hurts like hell that my mom would befriend someone who hurts me so much.  That it hasn't occurred to her that she has totally invalidated me.  I know, to her, it's just a Christmas card.  But to me, it feels like betrayal.  But maybe I'm crazy.

Not a good mom

Lately, NM has been pulling out the "I know I wasn't a good mom" card.  A lot.  I couldn't quite put my finger on why that was bothering me so much.

When I was a child, I idolized my mother.  I wrote stories dedicated to (and about) her.  She was my hero: strong, proud, hard working. 

After the mess of the divorce, and in my twenties, I tried repeatedly to tell her how I felt about her mothering.  CLEARLY, she had not been the best mother.  She had, in essence, abandoned us while she ran around.  She kept claiming it was "her time to be happy".  I remember thinking how something about that logic didn't seem right at the time with that statement.   I remember thinking, was she not happy before?  Is she blaming me for her unhappiness during my childhood?  And now I think, is it an either/or situation?  That either her kids or her could be happy? 

Whenever I confronted my mother about her behavior (present behavior, things she was doing in the moment to upset me) she would turn it around and blame it on my "long-held resentment" over the divorce.   I wasn't mad at her.  I was mad at the divorce.  It did not matter that she caused the divorce, handled the divorce poorly, abandoned her kids at the time of the divorce, among other things.  She would. not. hear. me.  She demanded that I treat her like a good mother.  That I give her the respect and "pay back" for all she did for me.  I was NOT ALLOWED to tell her she wasn't a perfect mom.

When I had my kids, she kept bringing up the things she did for me as a mom.  She wanted me to be like her.  She wanted me to "finally" appreciate her or at least that's what she was thinking in her mind.  She never outright said that.  She expressed anger at my father because he said my MIL was a good mother (ha!) and didn't mention her.  She might say that she "didn't do everything" right, but she clearly still believed she was a good mom.  She brought up all the things she did for me as a kid: swimming lessons, occasional crafts, dance lessons.  You know, all the THINGS, that give you the 'love' of a mother.

So, this new "I'm not a good mom" bullshit is unnerving.  Every once and awhile she'd relinquish that she was a shitty mother.  Usually when I had her trapped in an argument and she didn't have a "move".  She'd go pathetic and weak.  She'd start yelling "I know! I know!  I was a bad mom, what do you want me to do about it!!!  I'm sorry OK!!!"  This did not help.  Really, all I wanted was some sympathy for my childhood.  For her to hear my side of the story.  I did not need a "confession".

She has implied lately that some "things have come out around your sister" (I'm guessing in therapy, but who knows.  It could just be some "heart to heart" conversations.) that have "indicated" to her that "some of the "mistakes"" she made as a mom "might" have contributed to pain in my life.  Maybe.  Sort of.  Little stupid things she may have done.  One that ONE bad day.   Right.   I'm curious too as to why, after YEARS of me trying to tell her this, she's "suddenly" seeing the light.

My guess is that she isn't seeing the light.  In the past few conversations, she's mentioned "I know I wasn't the best mom."  And it makes the hair on my neck stand up.  There is something fishy about it.  First and foremost, she never really makes admissions about WHAT she did that was shitty.  Just "some stuff".  She never really apologizes....although she said she "was not asking for my forgivenss" which means that is exactly what she wants.  (And let's not forget the fact that she is CONTINUING to do the things she did to me as a kid.  Her behavior has not been reflected on and has not changed.)

I couldn't figure out what her angle was in telling me the bad mom story.  Pity?  To look like a victim?  To disarm me?  Make me feel guilty?

It just occurred to me it's most likely a trap.  Because really, I'd LOVE to say, "YUP.  You were a horrible mother.  And you continue to be."  And I couldn't figure out what was holding me back from telling her the truth.

It's because it's a trap.  If I saw that, she'll be able to play the vicitim.  She'll have me "anger" and "resentment" at her being a bad mom as an excuse to deflect from the real reason for my anger.  That she is treating me and my sons horribly.  That she is continuing to play the same old bullshit games.  I can only imagine the rage and tirade and pity party she will throw herself if I dared actually agree with her. 

She's laying out bait, hoping I'll bite, so she can bite back.  No thanks.  I think I'll pass.

Floating In

I hadn't thought about this particular memory in a long time.  It sort of floated into my consciousness the other day, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I remember at the time feeling absolutely dejected, although on the surface, it didn't seem like such a big deal.

I've written before about my parents divorce and how it just devastated me.  Of course, it wasn't a complete shock, as my parents fought a lot and didn't seem particularly in love.  Our house was a negative, somewhat cold household.  But I was 14 and I remember thinking that parents don't get divorced when their kids are 14.  I can remember thinking that I was "safe" from that happening (which, for a kid to be thinking about that at all must mean I had some inklings things were not good).  It came shortly on the heels of my father losing his job and going back to college (which made money more scarce, and amped up NM's anxiety) and the death of my grandfather.   I sort of felt like I was in a tail spin.

And the divorce itself was hard.  My dad fell apart and my sister fell apart.  It was like a bomb exploded in my life, shattering the pieces to the far corners of the world.  And then there was NM.  She was happy for the most part.  She felt it was "finally (her) turn to be happy".  She was in love, in a new romance, and she had stars in her eyes.  The problem was, she also decided to "check out" of being a mom at that point (not that she had been a gold star mom before that, but she completely took a vacation from almost all mom duties).

NM was completely checkout and it she never checked in to see how I was doing.  I got no counseling.  She never discussed my feelings (when I tried, she made it clear I was infringing on her happiness and I didn't have a right to deny her her happiness.  And, hell, I wanted her to be happy, right?).  My dad was so devastated that he was useless.  My sister was spiraling out of control. 

I remember that for a long time (weeks, a month?)  I didn't come out of my bedroom.  I borrowed my father's small black and white television for my room.  I got up, took a shower, and went back to my room until the bus came.   I didn't talk to anyone.  I went to school, came home, and went back to my room.  I came out to eat dinner (silently) and went back to my room for the rest of the day.   Even if I only did this for a week, shouldn't that have been enough to clue NM into the fact that maybe I wasn't handling things that well.  I do remember my dad coming back to check on me.  Once.  But at least he asked me if I was OK.  NM just ignored me.

NM had an affair with the man she would later marry.  I remember not feeling very kindly towards my stepdad.  How could I like him?  He was the reason (in my mind) my parents divorced.  When NM introduced us to him, she gave us no warning.  NSIS and I were lounging around on a Sunday, watching TV, when she rolled in with him and his kids.  I remember feeling completely off guard and...just weird.  It was weird.  And NM expected us to love him as much as SHE loved him.  She told me, not too many years ago, that she had felt that step dad would be a "better" father for us.   Like she had traded my "old" dad in and got us a new, better, (richer), model.  I remember feeling very bitter, but NM would have none of that.

When she got married, it was a small "family" affair.  Just me, NSIS, my aunt, uncle, and two cousins and stepdad's parents and kids.  Maybe a friend or two.  Most of NM's family didn't come (I wonder why now....)  NM had decided that NSIS and I should sing NM and stepdad's "song" for their wedding.

There was a lot of little things that NM kept secret.  She and stepdad signed their cards, and had on the cake, a number (213).  NM wouldn't tell me what it meant, but I imagine that it was the hotel room number where they would meet up (I DID know that they had one specific hotel that they would meet at.  I can't remember how I found that out....)

So, all these secret little things, toted as "romantic symbols", the marriage itself, the wedding made me feel so many things.  Grossed out, bitter, angry, sad.  I felt all hope I had that my parents would get back together would disappear when NM got married again.  It was a really, really rough day for me and NSIS.  I struggled to put on the happy face and be "happy" like NM wanted.  I struggled with the step family who didn't seem to want anything to do with us.  I struggled to accept the step father whom I felt had betrayed my family, whom I blamed for so many things. 

And NM wanted me to get up and SING HER DAMN LOVE SONG TOO.  I remember telling her I didn't want to do.  I didn't tell her exactly why (I mean, she wasn't interested in my feelings) but it had to occur to her that this would be a hard day.  Somewhere, along the line, when NSIS was drinking or I was locking myself in my room, or I went to high school every day in sweat pants, a flannel and no makeup that something was WRONG.  She HAD to have known.  It HAD to have occurred to her that her wedding might be hard on me and NSIS.

But she, apparently, didn't give a shit.  Because she was pushing, hard, for NSIS and I to sing that damn song.  I remember her attributing my not wanting to do it to nerves.  Maybe I even told her I was too nervous.  But she had to know that wasn't true either.  I had been in theater for YEARS, performed a ton of solos in front of people.  I didn't have stage fright. 

I just didn't want to stand up and be a part of her "celebration" of her marriage.  A marriage that symbolized, to me, the end of my family, the end of my childhood, the reason my mother abandoned me.   She abandoned me and my sister for her "new" family, and now she wanted to celebrate that.  And she expected me to play my part of happy, little daughter.  She didn't care that I felt I was dishonoring my father.  That I felt I was being disrespectful by acknowledging, by singing their "love song", to them.  I remember feeling so horribly conflicted. 

And she either didn't care, didn't notice, or didn't want to notice.  It doesn't really matter.  All she cared about that day was herself.  All she cared about was HER happiness, HER marriage, and God forbid, she have to put that aside for a moment and think about how her children might be processing that day. 

It's not a huge thing, singing a song at a wedding.  But it symbolizes so much of what was wrong in her damn head.  And how enmeshed I was.  Because I ended up singing the damn song. 

Mother's Little Helper

I have some random memories floating around lately.  And also, some relationships in my life have come into much clearer focus.  So, I have some random stories to tell.  I'm really not sure what they have to do with anything, except that I want to write them.  I've avoided discussing individuals in my life in too much detail, as some sense of wanting to respect their privacy has held me back.  But now, although I still don't want to reveal to much about any one person, I need to write these stories down.

NM always says I was a good baby and toddler.  Compliant, easy going.  Easy.  I was always "easy" she said.  NSIS was not.  NSIS was demanding and irritable.  More needy. 

And so, from the start, I became mommy's little helper.  I helped coddle NSIS.  I gave in so that NSIS wouldn't cry.  I tried not to make NSIS mad.  I worked hard to keep her happy.  I worked hard to help NM. 

NM always says that I was a pretty good child.  That is putting it mildly.  I rarely got in trouble.  I did all my chores.  I got straight As.  Always.  My teachers loved me. (I was teacher's helper too.  I didn't realize until much later that, although I liked to help, I sometimes resented being too busy "helping" to enjoy things the other kids did at school.   Like goofing off, or having more social time.)  I did lots of chores.  I was in charge every day after school  and all summer long of my sister.  I did chores and was expected to make her do her's.  HA.  NSIS would explode.  She was violent and very physically abusive.  This wasn't a "sibling" fight.  This was every few days, her attacking me, me trying to restrain her (I never wanted to hurt her).  Me living in fear of pissing her off.  But also being "in charge" of forcing this willful child to do things she didn't want to do.  And if she didn't do her chores, I got in trouble. 

I also got in trouble if I called my mom, begging for help.  She saw the bruises and bite marks and claw chunks from my arms.  She new my sister raged.  But we "both" were fighting.  So, I got in trouble for that too. 

But I continued to help.  I often felt sorry for my mom.  I wanted to help.  I always tried to smooth things over.  I always was the good girl.  The less trouble I got in, the less trauma there was around our house.  My dad was depressed and often raged and life at home was tense.  I wanted to help.  I offered to start dinners for my mom.  I never asked for help on homework.  I didn't ask to be involved in activities because I knew it would stress my mom out to get me there. 

When my family exploded with the divorce and we all fell apart, NM disappeared for a few years.  Sure, she was still "there", but she was often busy.  Busy with her new boyfriend and his family.  Traveling to see them.  Enjoying her "new life".  She left me in charge of NSIS a lot more.  Whole weekends.  Over night.  With a child that snuck out and drank constantly. 

But I was still the "good girl".  I quit expressing my feeling about the divorce and how upset I was because NM said I couldn't feel that way because it was her "turn to be happy".  So, I ducked my head and shut up.  I still got on honor roll at school.   I was in school activities.  I held down a job.  I often (like most of the week) would stay at my boyfriend's parents house so I could go to work. 

I tried to be there for NM.  By now, NSIS was in full on crazy mode.  FULL on.  I felt badly again for NM.  The stress showed on her face.  I tried to help her with my sister.  I helped hold her down when she was trying to leave.  I stood by to help NM when NSIS was out of control.  I listened to her.  My first year of college, NM called me constantly with horror story updates of what my sister had been doing (really, truly, the stories were often horrific to me.  Still are.)  I wanted to be there for NM.  NM dropped NSIS off one weekend (a weekend of a friend's wedding that NM forced me to take NSIS to.  Which was just were I wanted my 17 year old, out of control sister was at a wedding of collage aged kids.)  I listened to NM.  I offered advice (that was rarely taken).  I tried to reason with NSIS.  I tried to talk to her.  I really couldn't stand her at the time. 

Slowly, NSIS evened out a little bit (although did not mellow out.  She is still is very crazy but it's not as intense.)  But I continued to be there for NM.  I listened as she complained about her new family (the family she had "dumped" me and my sister for a few years earlier.  I was reminded that I should be "over that" and have "moved on" and how long was I going to talk about the divorce for).  I listened for HOURS every week on the phone.  I drove to see her.  I visited several times a year.  She visited me.  I listened to her talk about NSIS, how hard it was.  How NSIS was still getting into serious situations.  I agonized with her.  I tried to help her with NSIS. 

I had always idolized my mother when little.  I wrote books about her and dedicated to her.  I crafted special gifts.  I saved my money to buy her presents.  I cooked and cleaned and babysat.  And this continued as I got into my late 20s.  I bought special gifts.  I tried to find ways to make her feel special.  I worked hard to develop a relationship with my step father (a man who helped my mom cheat on my father).  I tried to blend into NM's new family (like she wanted me too).  I cooked special meals, took her out to special dinners.  I celebrated her birthdays and most holidays with her.  I bought nice wine when she came.  I tried. And fucking tried. 

I continued to be NM's venting partner when she needed to unload about NSIS.  She unloaded her stress and pain and anxiety onto me.  She wouldn't let me separate from it.  She often said that she "shouldn't be the only one who has to deal with (NSIS)".  That the responsibility of it was shared.  And since my dad refused to do that with her, I became that person. 

I sent Mother's Day Cards, birthday gifts, thoughtfully bought and carefully wrapped.  I tried to find ways to listen to her advice (which I often didn't want, but felt it made her feel "included" in things.)  I continued to listen to HOURS of complaints.  HOURS of negativity.  NSIS did little of this.  NSIS often forgot NM's birthday.  Often didn't send cards (or even call).  Kept NM up stressed at night.  Called NM screaming in the middle of the night (on the phone, often drunk, often in serious trouble).  She was a difficult child.  She was a difficult teenager who was involved in almost everyone of parents' worst nightmares that I can think of.  She often didn't acknowledge or even thank my mother.  She got in trouble and didn't care (and certainly didn't feel remorse).  She caused horrific stress to my step father (and step family).  Again, put them in actual danger. 

And very recently, NM described BOTH me and my sister as ungrateful, neglectful children.  Children who certainly didn't appreciate her, didn't show her respect, didn't love her enough.  Both of us.  All that shit I did, all those years.  I didn't do it to earn her love; I did it because I DID love her.  And it didn't matter to her at all.  To her, I was the same as my selfish, crazy, mean little sister.  Ungrateful little brats, the both of us. 

Sometimes I don't know if it hurts more that she doesn't know how to love me, or that she wouldn't allow me to love her.  God knows I tried. 

Family

When I was little, family was the most important thing to me.  I was aware of my feelings in a way I doubt other kids think about their family.  I remember always wanting to be with my family.  I passed up on social events to stay home and hang out with my family.  I am allergic to animals, so I actually couldn't go to other people's houses as much, which just compounded the problem.  But I didn't mind.  I LOVED spending time with my family.  I loved my mother.  I idolized her.  I have a book I wrote about her, in which I embellished a small act on her part into her "saving my life" (I remember that's how she had conveyed the seriousness of the event at the time).  I wrote poems about her, poems about my family, homework assignments spotlighted my family.

I loved family get-togethers.  We frequently got together with my father's family and I loved it.  The cousins, my grandma, the aunts and uncles.  I loved being around different people.  We rarely got together with my mother's family, at least not all together.  But we saw them.  My parents had a couple of friends we saw.  I loved that too.

My little sister was my constant companion.  She went every where with me (except the times she went with her friends).  I watched her on every holiday and summer break.  We were in the same classes (mom putting me in the younger age group, so we would be together.  Always even.  Also, it helped NM not have to run around to double the activities).  My sister always expected to share my friends (and later boyfriends).  We were close.  She was violent.  I was afraid of her and her temper.  But we were "close".

But none of us was really close.  Not really.  I can look back and see how we all kind of just floated together.  Like boats, tethered together on the sea.  Bouncing into each other and near each other, but not really connecting.  We did lots of things together.  But I don't remember a lot of glowing memories.  I don't remember feeling that was of love.  NM and NSis were close, completely enmeshed.  And on occasion, they would let me hang out too.  Lots of times I was relegated to dad.  Working in the garage.  I spent a lot of time alone.  I read books, I played in my room.   I remember pulling together for my sister's homework as a team, but I don't remember anyone really being excited by anything I did.  I was just there, a constant.  I remember being asked a lot to accommodate my sister so she didn't tantrum.  She got her way a lot.  NM recently told me that sister had told her she was a big softie with us.  NM loved that she was referred to this way.  She liked being the nice parent (she used my dad as an enforcer).  NM was a softie, with my sister (and for what it's worth, the soft treatment wasn't preferential and most likely fucked my sister up completely.).  I was NM's assistant, her helper, her little me.

But I felt almost a desperate desire to be around them.  When the divorce hit, I was stunned.  I was 14 (ish, I really struggle to remember the exact order of things and dates.  It's all a blur).  I remember feeling like my family had exploded.  Like it had died.  We all seemed to be blown in different directions.

I was devastated.  I struggled so much with the complete dissolution of my family.  Everyone (except me) went crazy for a time; some longer than others.  I tried so desperately to hang onto the pieces.  To hold it together.  I remember feeling very alone.  Forgotten, abandoned.

Through my twenties, I did everything I could to improve the relationships with my family that were so rapidly deteriorating.  Every interaction with my sister and mother ended badly.  Fights, arguments  lots of tears.  I racked my brain about how to fix it.  My dad has always been distant, and continued to be (My father, not a narcissist, but a very self-centered person, recently asked me why I wasn't eating the eggs he'd made for breakfast.  I informed him, as I have on every visit in the last few years - around 5- that I have hated eggs since I was 2.  I've never eaten eggs.  Anyone close to me knows this.  He doesn't know it.)

I hosted my family.  I bought thoughtful gifts.  I supported my sister through every drunk, tearful, 3 a.m. phone call, and the various sob fests in between.  I watched her repeatedly create such horrific havoc in her own life - and consequently that of her "family."  Then, she would demand support, endless hours to vent or unleash, long tirades about how unfair it all was.  But no change, no attempts to grow up and make things better.

I had glimmers things would get better.  Moments that I thought things were getting better.  Break throughs.  And falls back wards.  Lots and lots of slips backwards.

I find it ironic.  Ironic that it is me that they accuse of not being there for my "family".  Of not living up to my obligation.  It's ironic that they accuse me of being "cold", and "calloused", and completely uninterested in family.

It's the same way with my in-laws now.  When I started out with them, I wanted so much to fit in.  To be a part of a big, "loving", family.  But twists and turns, and I've somehow come to be the enemy to them now too.  I'm the one out to destroy the family.  I'm the one on the outside.

I just don't get it.   Can't people realize that if I hadn't been about to kill myself, I would never have had to step away from my "family"?  That someone like me, who idolizes and worships her family, would never run for the hills screaming, if it hadn't gone very, very wrong?  That I'm not interested in being right, or having my way, or controlling the family.  That it isn't about some petty disagreement.  That this is about someone finally having to step away from family before it killed me or sucked me down with it into crazy town.

The Elephant in the Room

Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills.  I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better.  But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw.  So, again this post will be about her.

I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon.  I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them.  I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids.  As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all).  But it was manageable   I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.

Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend.  I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me.  When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed.  But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger.  As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced  how I could approach him in a less aggressive way.  When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home.  I had expected you home at 4."  He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off.  OK.  I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door.  I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.)  I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help.  He agreed.

It was wonderful.  I felt accomplished.  I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening.  So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back.  He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday.  They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner."  So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it.  MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them.  No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL.  Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs.  There is an agenda to it:  she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL.  It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line.  She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky.  Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say.  But it just seems like this happens all the time.  MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans.  No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us.  Sure, we can refuse to go.  We can say we have other plans.  But we know there is an implied demand that we comply.  It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact.  We are never consulted.  And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.

But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it.  But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too.  They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour.  I told (MIL) that we couldn't."  So, here we were.  Another surprise visit.  A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour.  BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time.  But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated.  My stomach started hurting.  I tensed up.  I started shaking and getting antsy.  What in the hell was going on?  My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go.  This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.

A little background to the farm tours.  The farm is down the street from my house.  I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend).  SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise).  I believe they went with us once.  But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends.  Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to.  But this isn't the first time this has happened.  It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else.  It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together.  In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids  (cousins of close age) can play.  DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us.  Ever.  After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together.  So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people.  And that's what happened here.  BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL.  We are not family apparently   And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us.  MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all.   They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us.  Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother.   She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch.  Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)

I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table.  But hearing about the farm just shut me down.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him my feelings.  I needed to get it out and I needed his support.  But I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't understand.  I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me.  But it sounded stupid.  Why couldn't they go to the tour?  They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically.  Another habit she has.  She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.)  DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic.  And that's what I'm sure I sounded like.  This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place.   She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.

I thought and thought about it.  I consumed a glass of wine.  And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:

MIL is like an elephant.  A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force.  You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons.  The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face.  And she's running at me with a flag in her hand.  Constantly.  This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine.  She just barrels right over the top of me.  It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle.  She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself.  So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine.  She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way.  She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created.  For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others.  AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me.  (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share.  That family does share.  There are no boundaries).  She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too.  She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there.  She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself.  She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything.  It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself.  How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created).  She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm.  It'll be an annual "family thing".  And she does this to me over and over and over and over.

But here is the hard part.  Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant.  They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!"  "She's just excited" they'll exclaim.  They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour.  Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own".  They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go.  They'll say, why do you need credit?  But the thing is, I don't need the credit.  But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT.  She has to be in charge and directing it all.  No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her.  Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants.  No one sees that she has buried me in the ground.  They just see a loving, excited grandma.  I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.

A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant.  That is what she is to me.  Recognizing this has helped.  I actually was able to communicate this to DH.  He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.

But what do I do now?  How do I stop a charging elephant?  How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?

Phonies

After my last post, something Kara said got me thinking more about my anger towards my MIL.   What exactly it is that pisses me off.

I've said before how much I dislike phoniness in people.  I spoke before of my BIL (her son and "mini-me", a term I hate, but actually feel is apt here) and how fake and superficial he is.  How he is all surface and, in my opinion, has little depth.

MIL is a bunch of window dressing too.  In all honesty,  I really know very little about what MIL really likes or cares about.  She projects being a devout Christian.  She projects being very connected to her family.  She loves when people envy her "close" family and point out how wonderful we all are.  She likes the "best" of things.  Not necessarily the most expensive or fanciest things.  But she likes to be "in the know".  She likes to be trendy and be the first one to know about things.  She loves to recommend restaurants and wines and resorts.  She is easily swayed by other's opinions.  If someone she respects (or even someone she feels is knowledgeable  says something, she believes it and adopts their opinion for herself.   She rarely questions something.  It doesn't matter if how she personally feels about something.  If someone tells her a wine is awesome, she will say it is awesome too.  I've seen her quickly take on my husband's opinions about all kinds of things.  If he likes a wine or a beer, she likes it.  If he is eating a food, she has to try it and proclaim how much  she LOVES it (she is often overly extreme in her descriptions of things.  Things are THE BEST.  Or she LOVES something.)  She wants to fit in.  She does very little thinking for herself.   DH and I have often joked that he could hand her a glass of rancid wine, and if he talked it up enough, she too would proclaim it to be wonderful.  She has been spoon fed her beliefs on religion by her parents and never questions.  In fact, I rarely see her question anything from certain people in her life.  She is easily swayed by those she deems authorities.   However, if someone (often me) expresses an alternative opinion, she has to prove I'm wrong.  She does not have an ability to allow for multiple opinions to be "right".  She is very, very black and white.  I used to blame a lot of this on, what I believe to be ADHD.  But it just kept being more than that.   MIL is flighty.  She flits from interest to interest (and is always, coincidentally involved in anything her kids are involved in: sports, travel, wine.  Their interests are now her interests).  I've never seen her stick with anything except church, and even then she has waffled in her "convictions" as her preacher son expressed doubts.  She even has moved churches recently, with little explanation, despite being very devoted to her church several years back.  She loves get rich quick schemes and is a dreamer.  And talent of mine she notices, she instantly proclaims that I should do that for a profession.  I know of not one single interest, hobby, or idea that she has come to in her own way.  And consequently, nothing sticks.  Nothing has been a constant in her life.

When I first met her, she was very self assured in her way being the right way.  She badgered me.  She pushed me.  In my opinion, she bullied me.  Subtly.  She has a keen ability to undercut people's character or appearance in an extremely subtle way.  She bossed me around relentlessly.  DH used to say it's because she was the mom of four boys and just was used to being in charge.  So, she just took charge of me too.  She expected me to just do what she wanted.  I was desperate to please her and tried hard to be respectful.  She didn't raise children but directed them on paths she found to be right.  She had an opinion about everything I did and did not allow for much dissent.  She wanted me to be married in the same month as she, she pushed for the god-awful veil that she wanted me to wear and then criticized the one I wanted.  She pushed relentlessly for grand children.  Despite me continued attempts to explain why I wasn't ready, she pushed.  Once, she even told me that she wanted grand children because all her friends had grand children.  Oh, well then, I'll get right on that.  Because there is no better reason to have kids than for their grandmother to "fit in" with her friends.  And she told me I was expected to have the first grandchild and told SIL she had to wait for me and DH to have that child before they could have one.  I never understood why, except that that was the way MIL wanted it to be.  Or God told her that was the way it should be.  Such crap.  She decided who was ready and who wasn't to have kids.  She pushed me to create a home and life for my kids that was the same as the one she had created for DH.  It was like she wanted to recreate DH's childhood through me and DH.   She bought all DH's work wardrobe when he graduated college.  She called him to regulate his brothers.  She put family decisions on DH's shoulders, so to avoid blame herself should it back fire.  She manipulated in whispers behind my back and DH's back.  She tried to create a hierarchy with DH in charge of the family, something that caused extreme resentment from my SIL.

It would've been easier at this time to stand up to her.  I wish, desperately at times, that I could go back and stand up to her.  Put my foot down.  But any sort of dissent on my part got her angry.  And I didn't want to get her angry.  I wanted her to like me.    I felt at the time such a strong tearing inside of me.  I was trying so hard to be myself, but I knew the more I tried to be myself, the more upset she got.  Anything I said that she didn't like was met with a snarky laugh that came off like she was teasing me, but was meant to express her anger at me.  But in a way no one could call her on.  She huffed a lot.  And most of that was lost on DH.  He didn't see then (and still struggles to see) her subtle expressions of disdain or anger.  How her huffs and eye rolls and quiet, sneaky secret whispers just out of ear shot got to me.  He told me to just let it go and ignore it like he did.  But I couldn't.

After awhile, she realized she couldn't control me.   I also believe she felt DH's loyalty starting to shift.  So, she seemed to adopt the policy of becoming like me.  Because, after all, if DH thought so highly of me, there must be something to that.  So, she started adopting my tastes, my hobbies, my talents for herself.  And that's where the phoniness came in.  She started complimenting me all the damn time.  But the thing is, the compliments where never really about me, but rather something she coveted in me.  I've never heard the woman say "Jessie, you are a really good..."  All her compliments, to everyone, begin with "I think you are good at."  Every, single one begins with the "I think" statement.  It is all in relation to her opinions on things.  Even when she's told me she is bragging to someone else about me, she says "MY DIL, is so good at...".  It drives me crazy.  She's attempting to control me by winning me over now.  She thinks that by telling me she likes my toe nail polish or the color I picked for my walls or some other trivial piece of crap, I'll think she is a nice person.  This is also how she tries to get to my kids.  She tells them "grammy thinks you are so smart.  Grammy thinks you are so athletic."   She's trying to make them think she is being complimentary to them and make them like her more.  But she's still setting them up to cater to her opinions of things.  If "grammy" likes something you do, then you get a compliment.    She compliments my shoes or my earrings, while at the same time proclaiming she's going to get some for herself.  Instead of trying to make me her, she is trying to be me.  I guess, she assumes that I'll then like her more?  It seems so stupid to me.  But I'm not a narc.

But the part that makes me angry is that she has be in a bind.  She never insults me directly.  She's never been out and out rude (although I think she's been rude a million times, it's just easy for other's to explain away.  "She didn't mean it like that") or called me names or spoke negatively about me without couching it in "I'm concerned" terms.    She compliments me.  And, although I know these compliments are fake and phony, and an attempt to control my feelings towards her, how the hell do you call someone on that?  How do you say, when you told me my toe nail polish was nice, you were being an ass?  I would sound like a loon.  And she knows that.

I can't not be the bad DIL, because there is nothing to point to.  What I can point to seems petty.  My NM and NSis are obviously bitchy at times.  I have clear evidence of them being assholes.  MIL hides her asshole-ery amongst "love" and "concern" and fake bullshit compliments.  She hides her controlling nature behind wanting to help.  On the rare occasion that she still snarks, it comes so far out of left field that I don't see it coming (not too very long ago, my husband was talking to her and FIL about her babysitting my niece and how my BIL and SIL had become overly-dependent on grandparents to help them care for their kids.  MIL snapped "well, I'd do babysit for you too, but you don't want me to."  We all knew the comment was directed at me.  It was accusatory and made her out to be a victim of sorts.  She also knew that I couldn't get into a discussion about her babysitting without getting into a discussion about the deeper issues in our relationship.  We were in her house, she had DH and FIL to (in her mind) back her up.  She was looking for a fight, or at the least to put me in my place and express her anger at me in a way that I wasn't prepared to discuss.  She was also looking to deflect any guilt she felt about being overly involved with my niece back on to me.  These situations come up a lot.  She turns any sort of "attack" that she feels back onto me being somehow wrong.  It makes it extremely difficult to discuss anything.  And for what it's worth, she had never once discussed being upset about not babysitting to me before this comment nor in the three years since -in which I still haven't let her babysit.  She has never, once, confronted me directly about anything.  It's either behind my back, in a snarky passive-aggressive way to my face, or she pretends that she is not upset.)  She is always shucking and jiving, to borrow a phrase from some other bloggers.  You can not pin her down on anything without her turning it back on me, stomping off and getting defensive, or ignoring it all together.  I can't confront her, but she won't confront me either.  And she also has an amazing ability to do these things when no one else is around to see it.  It's hard to prove something that no one else sees.

What makes me angriest is to see her perpetuating this phoniness onto my kids.  She has a certain enraptured smile, with half closed eyes as she rocks and hums and holds my kids (or my niece and nephew) that makes me want to slap her.  I can clearly see it isn't because she is making a connection with the kids or feeling love, but rather because she is pulling off the narc supply they provide her.  They make her feel love, they make her feel special.  She is getting her physical attention needs met.  It is not about providing loving, physical contact to the kids (hence, she often misses the cues that the kids are over it.)  Although she isn't malignant or nasty to the kids, she does try to control the relationships.  She has pushed for my son and my niece to be super close.  She labels my son as "all boy" despite knowing little about who he is.   She doesn't send him little cards or stickers in the mail the way the other grandmas do.  In fact, when she is not with him (and often when she is) she pays him little to no attention.  She can not have meaningful interactions with him.  When he was a young baby, she literally held his fingers and pushed the buttons on a toy in order to "teach" him how it worked.  She had no concern for him learning how to do it, or giving him an experience, or working within his abilities to experience something with him.   Recently, she wanted to start up a conversation with him (about something she had heard about through FIL.  DH rarely talks to MIL.  And it was clear that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because of the way she refrenced this thing.)  I should give her credit for starting a conversation because, mostly, she talks at him or about him to us, never to him.   So, we were all in the swimming pool, my son floats by and she tries to start this indepth conversation about this toy with him.  He just said "yeah" (because all of her questions are yes/no and never open ended or asking about his opinions, shocker) and kept going.    Luckily, I don't think she's doing any harm to him, because she is such a non-entity.  My brilliant, with a remarkable memory, son often calls her the wrong name.  He sees her most often and he has NO trouble with any other grandparents' names (even ones he rarely sees) but he frequently calls her another grandmother's name.  But I'm keeping my eye out.  I'm waiting.  I'm sure it won't take long for her negativity to pop out and I'm waiting.

But the thing is, everyone else sees a loving grandmother.  A grandmother who is being denied the "right" to babysit her grand kids. (For new readers, not only do I keep her from watching my kids because I don't think she will listen at ALL to the instructions I give her, but she struggles seriously with safety issues.  She's very unfocused (ADD) and does not think ahead for risks.  I've seen it time and again with my niece and nephew.  She also has no ability to read emotional cues in my sensitive and subtle children.  She also gets defensive if I suggest how to do something or "miss-hears" me.  She struggles to listen to me in the first place and when I have asked her to do things in the past, she rarely does things the way I ask.  I'm not a control freak, but I do have some ways of doing things that I would expect her to follow.).  I believe I am seen as controlling, unwilling to let go of my kids, and bitter by others.  It has created some serious frustration for me.

She's just slippery, I guess, and I'm frustrated.  This is a woman who offers to help me clean up a party that I've cleaned up (while she sat and watched).  A woman who apologizes to my husband when she's wronged me.  A woman who loves to look like a loving grandmother, but it is all loving in one direction: towards her.  Everything she does with the kids is to get them to love and care for her.  She compliments me on phony things and when I credit someone else for the things the thing she complimented me on, she suddenly looses interest in washing me with her praise.  She appears good and kind and thoughtful and helpful.  I appear mean and bitchy and grudge-holding.  I appear to be bitter and holding onto typical DIL bullshit.  I appear to be denying her her grand kids, her son, and the close family.  I am to blame for the turmoil in the family because I insist on being different (or difficult, depending on who you ask).  I am the one choosing to not be in the family, rather than her pushing me out as punishment for not conforming.

Not seeing her is not an option.  DH is not willing to lose his relationship with his father or extended family.  Calling her out right on shit causes a scene.  Although that's where I am at with her (and even then I think she senses this and has started "tiptoeing" around me like I am some ticking time bomb).  Any suggestions?  Any thoughts?  How do you pin a snake down?  How do you deal with such underhanded passive-aggressiveness?  How do I maintain my sanity?  How do I not deck her when she gets that smarmy, "serene", ah look my whole family is together look?

And as an after note:  When I first met MIL, I thought she was a bit rude and mean.  I thought she was thoughtless and flaky and unfocused.  I chalked it up to her having ADHD.  Clearly, she just misses social cues, I thought.  She speaks before she thinks.   She is unfocused and doesn't mean to be thoughtless.  I bought DH's excuse that, as the mom of four boys, she just had a more "masculine" approach to things (despite being raised with four girls and the fact that my grandmother, who also raised four boys wasn't like this).  The teasing and making fun of people and the family picking on people was "normal" with boys.  That's just how they were.  I bought the family excuse that she was just scattered and having to corral four wild (and ADHD) boys made her controlling and bossy.  I kept assuming she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

But things never fully added up.  When she was told she hurt someone's feelings, she didn't apologize.  She didn't change her ways (and thanks Kara for recently pointing this out on your blog).  She just kept doing it.   And so many, many things couldn't be explained away by ADHD and mothering boys.

When I found the 25 Characteristics of NMs, I was reading it in relation to my mother.  What I found was that I kept saying, oh, that's MIL!  Many of the criteria applied to her.  So much so, that even DH couldn't deny it.  He did say that my NM was more "obvious" and that his wasn't "that bad" (because he misses her subtle nature).  I doubted myself for a long time about her being a narcissist.  But I just can't find any other way to explain her than with this: she is an emotional child, self-centered, and self-absorbed who can't put anyone else above herself.  She is a narcissist.

Sucker Punched by Bullshit

I had a lot of titles swirling around in my head for this post.  My favorite: Go Fuck Yourself.  Because I'm more than a little pissed off today.  I'm more than a little angry.  And maybe, as many of you pointed out, this might just be the final kick in the ass I needed.

A couple of positive points first.  A big thank you to Quercus Garryanna (which by the way is a bitch to spell ;).  I did look up what it means though . Very fitting!).  She asked me today in an email if this narc stuff gets better.  That little question stopped me for a minute.  It helped pull my head back up beyond the murk.  And I want to thank her for asking me that.  Because, really, I do think it's better.  In years past, a situation like yesterday would've sent me into a death spiral.  I would have been teary and depressed and mopey for days.  I would have been anxiety ridden and panicky.  I would have felt overwhelmed with sadness and guilt and feelings of obligation.  I would have felt an overwhelming urge to call NM and NSis and talk it out for hours (not really helping, but fulfilling their narc supply needs).  I would not have been able to be angry in an appropriate way.  Today, I am angry.  But not in a screaming and yelling and throwing things, unhealthy angry way.  I can be angry and sit with it and feel it and not be scared of it.

I also want to thank all of you for reading and offering your support yesterday.  It is amazing what you all have given me: much needed reality checks, kicks in the pants, validation, and support.  Oh, and a couple of virtual beers at the ULB Bar.  I actually don't drink beer, but I do love a good whiskey.  So, I got a hefty does of virtual whiskey last night.  Thanks.

OK.  I'm angry.  This post is going to be all of the place as I have no real direction and so much has happened to process that I may just have to jump from one place to another.

I'm angry with my father.  It has nothing to do with the situation at hand.  But, in hunting him down to give him the news, I discovered he's on vacation.  For the second week in as many months.   I do not begrudge him a vacation.  But as some of you may remember, he made demands on short notice this summer to visit me.  He demanded one particular week and I learned later that the week he picked had to do with him running away from something he didn't want to do.  And when I told him he needed to pick another week, any other week (and I had already told him that this week was out) he refused to come at all.  He told me at the time that he doesn't like to "plan ahead".  Which I guess is fine.  But I have lots of other things in my life and if you can't try and be reasonable so be it.  BUT, these two particular vacations have been planned out for almost a year.  So, yeah, he doesn't want to plan ahead if it is for me.  So, I'm angry.

I'm angry with my sister.  Aside from the obvious verbal abuse she unleashed on me yesterday and the shame and blame she dumped on me, I'm angry because she is being deceptive.  I do not know exactly how deceptive she is being and about what, but she is being deceptive.  And she is doing it in order to control people.  My father left a voice message last night that NSis is NOT having surgery now.  You read that right (and I'm sure most of you are not shocked by this), but the HUGE FUCKING ISSUE is no longer an issue...for now...but could pop back up.   She still is not being forthcoming, but in the endless stream of emails I've received to NM, what I can pick up is this (and keep in mind, I can not verify and of this, and nor do I necessarily believe any of it):  NSis's doctor called yesterday to tell her that "oops.  There may be other options."  NSis said she panicked when she heard the initial news-that former test results were wrong-and scheduled the surgery because she just wanted to get this over with.  But now there are more options.  And she's going to be meeting with the doctor.  Confused?  Yeah, I would be too, except all I hear is blah, blah, blah, pay attention to me.  And that's all that matters.  Blah, blah, lies, blah, blah, ME!!  I'm angry that NSis won't grow up.  I'm angry that NSis blames everyone but herself.  I'm angry that NSis expects everyone to drop everything to attend to her and her imagination.  I'm angry because she is covering her vagueness and bullshit by saying she's "trying to protect everyone" and doesn't want anyone to worry about her.  She bitches and complains about no support, but she won't let anyone support her.  Aside from her treatment of me, she's been no better with my parents who have actually BEEN trying to be supportive of her.  They've called, sent flowers, sent money, offered to visit.  All of it has been refused or taken and not acknowledged or appreciated.

I'm angry with my mother.  I'm angry that she calls me up and cries on my shoulder like a child.  I'm angry that she gives two shits about the effect that it has on my life.  I'm angry that she has called repeatedly and emailed over and over. I'm angry that in the emails she has said "I'm not making excuses for her BUT" and then goes onto to excuse all of NSis's behavior on hormones and stress and sadness.  I'm angry that she thinks I'm delusional enough to forget that NSis has ALWAYS behaved like this, for years and years and years.  And that this is not new.  I'm angry that my mother created this little clusterfuck, waters it, feeds it, feeds off of it, and then complains about it.  I'm angry that she complains to me about how fucked up it is and then chastises me for agreeing with her.  I'm angry that in most of the emails today and most of the conversations of yesterday, she talked about how much it EFFECTED HER.  She actually said, "it's hard being the mom."  Well, I bet it fucking is.  I'm angry she's used this to unload more of her medical dramas on me.  I'm angry that she's sat around waiting for a moment to zing me to get back at me for not caring enough about her.  I'm angry that twice now she's randomly inserted the phrase "Yeah, your sister says 'Just because I don't have her (Jessie's) fairytale life..." and then trails off.  This comment is inserted in the most moment.  The first time she said it, it caught me off guard (having a conversation with NM is like a game of "Whack a Mole".  Before I can even respond to one statement, she pops up in another area.).  Yesterday, I tried to pin her down on this statement.  I asked her how in the hell that statement was even made.  She said "I know, it is weird."  I said, no, what kind of conversation where you having that the was her response?  And what was the end of that response?  And what did that mean?  I told her I refuse to feel guilty because I have a normal life.  I asked her what was the point of saying that?  NM hemmed and hawed and changed the subject.  I'm guessing that this little statement was more about NM communicating HER feelings towards me than my sister.  Although I'm sure sister feels that way too, that I'm some snob who has disregarded her family, NM feels that way too.  NM is jealous and spiteful and angry that I have continued to lead my life (and gasp! Be happy) despite the "hell" they are going through.  If I'm not in a puddle on the floor, calling and checking on them, I'm a stuck up snobby bitch.

I'm angry that NM has used this opportunity to bomb me with her chaos (I'm currently no longer responding to these stupid emails).  I'm angry that she sends me these emails that detail how my sister's night went, that she got a good night's sleep, that NM had a heart-to-heart with NSis about how NSis is feeling.  Oh, and then she tacks on a "hope you are OK" bullshit line at the bottom.  Gee, thanks for the bone.  I'm angry that I know she CHOOSES to be this way.  She makes chooses to put NSis first, well, herself first, and me last.  I'm the bottom on her fucked up pyramid.  I'm angry that my NM believes all the bullshit she spews.  That she knows the truth.  That she knows NSis is fishy.  But that she covers for her, makes excuses for her, and defends her at every turn.  And she expects me to eat everything she serves up.  I'm angry that she enables NSis at every turn and calls everyone else lousy human beings for not being like her.  I'm angry that she described herself yesterday as above this drama that NSis creates.  That she identified herself as "calm, and collected, and (some other bullshit that implied she was serene and thoughtful)."  Apparently, she forgot she was talking to her daughter.  That I don't need her to label herself for me.  That I would never buy the bullshit labels she's created for herself, and see them only as further proof of her disillusionment.  That she is not cool and collected and peaceful.  That she is spiteful and passive aggressive and quietly bides her time until she can enact revenge by beating you in the back of the head when you aren't looking.  That she is no example of moral high ground and wisdom and serenity that she keeps trying to tell me she is.  She's so desperate to have people admire her for her good character, yet she has none to admire.

I'm going to have to think about all of this for awhile.


Post Update;  I just noticed my sister deleted me from her friends on FB.  I guess that speaks loud and clear to me.

Shaken but not Stirred

I'm shaking and crying and upset as I write this.  Fucking narcs.

My NM called today.  I let it go to voice mail.  I waited to listen to it.  I assumed she was calling to see how I was feeling.  Nope.  Her voice was shaky and it was clear something was wrong.  So, I called her back.

Her story was that my sister had called.  Her boyfriend was moving out.  There was drama and chaos on the phone.  And then NSis comes out with the fact that the follow up test for her cancer were wrong.  The lab had called and they had "made a mistake".  And she was going to have surgery to remove her uterus on Thursday.   Apparently,  the boyfriend just found out about this today too.  Hard not to miss that coincidence.  NM was heading home to make airline reservations, but Nsis was refusing to have her come out.  NSis said that if NM came our for the surgery she wouldn't answer the phone.  NM is destraught and crying.  She says that NSis is trying to protect everyone and do things on her own and didn't want to burden anyone.  But NM doesn't think NSis should do this on her own.  Nm says she's having her own health problems.  I ask "like what".  NM says, oh, well, like my blood pressure (this has been an issue of months now).  And her doctor put her on an antidepressant and she was at the hospital with an anxiety attack.  And she dissolves into tears again.  I believe NM's emotion.  I do think she's upset.  But it's all weirdly placed emotion.  NM asks me if I think she should call my dad.  Funny, because she's never asked my permission before.  NM becomes confusing to talk to and I offer to call my dad (who also hasn't spoken to my sister as she's been verbally assaulting him lately).   NM initially refuses but then thanks me for being willing to call him as she gets off the phone.

So, I try to call my dad at three locations.  And I try to call my husband.  And NSis is trying to call.  I haven't been able to formulate my full reply to her text from yesterday (see two posts back.)  I take a few minutes to gather myself.  I take a few minutes to bide some time.  I answer the next time she calls.  And she lets loose on me.  She snaps immediately asking why I'm hanging up on her (I really thought I had her on the other line. I didn't know that I was hanging up on her when I disconnected from my calls).  I tell her I wasn't and try to discuss it with her.  She yells at me for not responding to her text yesterday.  I tell her I haven't been able to. She interrupts and assaults me for not "calling her back" for the past two months.  I try desperately to remain calm.  I explain I did try to reach her but that she responded with vague statements.  I say that I understand she's having a hard time.  She launches into a tyraid about her recent problems and how I've not been there at all for her.  I tell her I will not allow her to verbally assault me like she's been doing to my dad.  "LIKE DAD, huh?"  She snarls.  Oops.  I should've stopped at verbal assault.  She screams at me some more.  I again tell her I will not listen to her assault me, but that I understand she's having a hard time.  She screams at me again for not being there.  And I lost my shit.  I scream back that she's never once been fucking there for me.  Not once.  "OH YEAH!  I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE!"  And I hang up the phone.

I felt sucker punched.  I was shaking so badly I couldn't stand up.  I sobbed uncontrollably.  And I sat in the feeling for a moment.  No one should make me feel like that.  And I decided I was done.

I called my husband and told him the story and calmed myself down.   Then, I called my mother and told her that I am uninterested in further communication from my sister until she gets some help.  I explained what had happened and that I would not be involved with some one like that.  That I can take stress, that I can support people, that I'm not running from anything, but that I will not allow someone to abuse me like that anymore.   I explained that the actions of my sister in the past few months have been childish, unstable, and inconsistent   That  I can not piece together the truth from what she's said.  That she has been sneaky, deceptive, and inconsistent with my parent's too, which leads me to question the truth of what's going on.  That I will no longer play these games with her.  NM seems relieved.  She seems calmed by this.  WTF?  She agrees with me.  She says she understands.  She says that she wouldn't want to deal with it either.  That NSis has been calling and assaulting her (I might add that NM told me in the first conversation that NSis had contacted my grandmother and had an "emotional" conversation.  Huh.)  She tells me that I've done nothing wrong in the situation.  She has an appointment (this is actually legit) and has to go.

During my time on the phone, Nsis called me back four more times.  I got two voice mails.  I told DH that I will not be listening to them, and that he'll have to erase them for me.  He suggested that I text her back that when she wants to have an adult conversation with me that I'll listen.  But I don't fucking think so.  You can't have an adult conversation with the mentally deranged.