Real Life Examples

For my friends out there, struggling with what is narcissism, here are some examples from my mother's recent visit which highlight her manipulative self.  None of them, in and of themselves, means too much, but taken as a whole, they paint a picture of crazy.  And keep in mind, these are just a few, a very few from this ONE weekend. 

*The day my parents were set to arrive, I was noticing how beautiful it was in my town.  My actual thought was "wow, it looks like Ireland here, it is so green, I'll bet NM comments on how green and pretty it is".  When NM shows up, she gets to talking about the rain in her part of the state.  "It's just green and lush, not like the rest of the state, which is so brown."  I glance out the window.  I say "You mean, between here and there, because it's pretty green outside, we've had lots of rain."  "No" she says, "It looks brown here, compared to home."  Um, OK.  She goes on and on.  And while I can agree she's partially correct, that between here and there is dry and brown, any fool can look out the window and see how beautiful it is here.  But she won't let it go (and frankly,  I couldn't really either.  I mean the woman was insistent that my eyes were deceiving me.)  It was pure competition (and really, who the fuck cares?).  But I couldn't understand how she could think I would agree with her. 

*She was showing me pictures one night that she'd taken at the party.  She has one of my husband and MIL.  MIL is cuddled up behind my husband and my skin crawls.  I cringe.  MIL does have a habit of clinging to my husband in pictures, but this is ridiculous.  NM says "I know.  I knew that you wouldn't like this one.  I only took it to make her feel better."  So, I try not to think about it and I don't want to bring it up to DH (all of this shit can get overwhelming, and really what would be the point of discussing it with him, the photos over).  But I can't get past it, and I finally bring it up to DH.  And as I'm describing the picture, I say-as I see him perk up to say something too-"and I'm sure MIL was partially hiding behind you."  I mean, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL, but I could see there was something else going on in that picture.  I mean, the woman was in her swimsuit, an uncomfortable time to take a picture for any woman, but more so for MIL who is really uncomfortable with her body. (I might add that NM refused to swim, I'll cover that one later).  DH tells me "Well, actually, she was hiding behind me."  He concedes that MIL can cling to him, but then tells me that NM actually pushed the picture on them.  That NM kept saying "move closer".  That NM pushed the picture even though they didn't want it.  NM made it sound, to me, like she was being kind, giving into MIL's need for attention (interesting that NM can spot that in MIL).  I was outraged.  Again, I don't have a lot of sympathy for MIL and she's a big girl who could have said no.  But it makes me angry that she pushed her into being uncomfortable.  That she pushed her into doing something she wouldn't do herself.  That NM knew the picture would upset me, but not only took it but set up the situation to take it and then show it to me.  And then she hid it behind MIL's attention getting.  In the past, I never really believed my mother was a liar who set people up.  Clearly she is.  It's taken a lot for that to sink in this past week.

*The party was at a pool (obviously).  When NM was here, I told her that and said that it would be fine if she and step father (who hates swimming) didn't want to participate in that part of the party.  I had hoped she would, as I could have used her help and she's never had an issue swimming with the kids before, but I would have been fine with them not.  I said to let me know, because I had a certain amount of people who could be let into the pool area.  This, I could tell, annoyed her.  I could almost read her mind: I was being cheap by not just paying for her and letting them decide.  For me, I don't know why she couldn't just make a damn decision and had to play it out.  So, two days before the party I get a text that she's had a small medical procedure and will just "put" her "toes in".  Maybe she had the damn procedure.  Who knows?  She made a big deal of sending step dad up for antibiotic cream for it one morning (but not surprisingly, not the next morning).  She must have felt she had to "prove" it to me.  Anyway, what bugged me was why she couldn't just say, "I don't want to swim.  Would it be OK for me to just come in and take picture and watch."  Cool.  That would have been fine.  Why all the drama?  Why the subterfuge?  Seriously?  Over something this small.  Oh, and she sent me a text saying "If you've already paid for me, I'll be glad to pay you back."  You know, because I'm petty and cheap. 

*DH, NM, and I were sitting on the deck.  I went into the house to refresh my drink.  I was gone for five minutes.  NM immediately told DH she would soon be visiting my sister, that sister and her (abusive) boyfriend are in counseling, and that sister is having another "biopsy" for her mystery illness.  At least, sister is supposed to have this.  I've been giving strict orders to not discuss NSis with NM (from NSis herself).  So, I don't discuss her.  I dislike that NM was feeding (and triangulating) my husband information to give to me.  I hate that she uses him like that.  And, for fuck sake, I was gone five minutes!  She purposely had me "over hear" part of the conversation, which I ignored.  (And as a side note, when she had DH alone another time, she was pumping him for information about a family situation that is none of her business.  And yes,  DH and I did talk about not giving her information.  I hate feeling like I'm keeping secrets or with holding, but I know the information will be used against me.)

*NM brought up a painful, childhood memory for me of a time I fucked up really badly.  She wondered aloud "Now, I went over and helped you..." and then described, in detail, events that never happened.  When I corrected her, she said "Oh, that's right, I came over and..." and then described how she "fixed" something for me.  Again, not true.  In fact, if she'd done what she'd said, the situation wouldn't have been a fuck up for me.  AND, she would have helped me cover something up.  AND, I wouldn't have the memory of her shaming me for being an embarrassment for this fuck up.

*NM talked about how she was telling a coworker how difficult teenagers are.  How teenage girls can be such a pain in the ass, with all their "hormones" and such.  This isn't the first time she's brought this up.  Clearly, as she speaks, she seems to forget that she's discussing ME, her daughter who was once a teenager.  She also seems to forget that during my teenage years she was abandoning me and my sister, fucking around having an affair, leaving us on weekends, and divorcing my dad for a "better dad" (yes, she once told me she divorced my dad because she thought this man would make a better dad).  I hardly lived with her (I lived with my dad for a year and then I "lived" at my boyfriends my senior year.  I didn't actually live there, but crashed on their couch and lived out of a duffel bag for 5-7 nights of the week).  I didn't sneak out, I didn't drink (much), I didn't do drugs.  Yes, there were some fucked up things that happened, but she doesn't think for a moment that maybe it was a reaction to our parents divorcing in a horrific and ugly way, my mother running off every weekend, and the extreme reactions of my father to the divorce.  Nope, we were just horrible, little teenage shits.  This statement enrages me so much that I have to leave the room.

*NM snarks that she doesn't get to really get to know my kids "when she only sees them twice a year".  Um, I had just seen her twice in ONE month.  But, OK.  Believe what you like.

*NM makes a huge deal of needing another grandchild.  She has gone on and on about how hard my pregnancies are on her.  But now, she keeps hinting that she was expecting a pregnancy announcement.  She says she needs  "a little girl to be my companion when I come up" because my sons "favor" my step dad (they don't really, but they are starting to figure out that NM sucks the life out of you).  She guilts and guilts me. 

*I'm discussing a gift I'm got for my son.  I say that, if he liked it, I found the rest of the set of toys at the discount store and I was going to get them for him.  She, clearly not listening, says "I'll have to see if I can find them.  Write down the names so I know."  I sigh.  This is common for her to hear whatever the hell she wants to.  And she's distracted by trying to force my son into wearing the hat she bought him so she can take a picture.  I'm trying to distract her from doing that.  I let it go though instead of argue that she she's misheard (this is a futile effort, as she NEVER hears that she isn't paying attention and misheard me.  She just keeps repeating what she thinks she heard).  I figure she didn't hear anything of what I said, but later she asks for the name of the trucks.  I'm sure she bitched that, after all she bought for my son, I was expecting more. 

*She poses my kids in "selfies" (those phone pictures people take of themselves.) with her.   She's always saying "hold your head closer to mine" and other such commands.  Then she posts them with saccrine descriptions of how close she is with the kids. 


This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Really, the weekend was exhausting.  It's like standing on a tennis court and having a wooden spoon to use as a racket while a ball machine lobs tennis balls at your head, all day.  I can't say I was sorry to see her go. 

Status Update

So, here is a very abbreviated version of what has been going on with the narcs.  I provide this update, so that it'll be easier to write out my next couple of posts.

In-laws = BIL and SIL have been a bit MIA.  They have been circling me wide at almost every event (which has been rare) that we've seen them out.  To my advantage, they've pissed off a few mutual friends, so we've been around them less.  We did see them lately, when SIL stood to he side, waiting for me to approach her to tell her how good she looks (with her skinny new ass and her big new boobs).  BIL skirted around me, but did manage to put DH on the hook (in order to relieve his own embarrassment at he situaion) by asking him what he thought of his wife's "fake" boobs.  Nice, really, nice.

The parents-in-law are coming for the weekend.  The whole weekend.  MIL invited herself (and then booked a hotel room, as no one offered up their house) and announced the whole weekend as a celebration for FIL.  We were initially invited to dinner.  Then, hints came in suggesting other activities.  It irritates me to no end that MIL makes these proclamations and then "suggests" we entertain and give up our weekend for them.  No thoughts or consideration to anyone else's plans.  And she is so damn good at covertly hinting at things to DH that he feels obligated to spend time with them.  It's a hard line, because I really have seen very little of them lately and DH wants to see his father, but on the other hand, I feel like then I'm encouraging MIL's bad behavior.  I'm anxious.  Very anxious.  But I'm remembering to breathe and that helps.  I've got lines prepared and some strategies at the ready.  Cross your fingers for me.

NM has been quiet.  She has not called me in almost a year.  I didn't ask her too.  I did tell her that conversations on the phone, for extended periods were hard due to always having children underfoot.  She must have taken that as a hint and stepped off.  I'm sure I'll pay for it come accounting day.  But for right now, it works for me.  She texts and emails a lot (every couple of days) and when it doesn't cost me too much, I reply.  If she baits or goads or hints, I just don't respond.  It has been working well.  But I'm suspicious.  Very suspicious.  She did pull a very mild stunt, to get at DH, but it was so small I ignored it.  Luckily, NM doesn't scare me.

I flew my family and I down to see my father a bit back.  It was a last minute deal, which luckily minimized the regret I first felt.  I had just gotten away from a visit from NM, and then had to deal with my father.  I stressed endlessly.  I do have a post in mind to detail some of the tactics I used to get through it all, but I'll save that for later.  For right now, I'll say the visit actually went very well.  I felt good leaving the visit (there were even other family visits mentioned, which I'll talk about below).  Step mother and I actually had a really good visit.  She was well-behaved and even offered me some moral support about my sister.  I've down graded her from narc to just an extremely overbearing, controlling, somewhat black and white, very opinionated, and a bit self-righteous person.  But she has a heart.  I saw it.  It's in there.  My father, is also a control freak, angry, self centered person who can be very irritable, but he is not a narcissist either.  And the visit really did go well ;).  Dad behaved himself really well and even managed a lot of self regulation.  He was kind and good to my children.  I actually got to see grandparents who are not trying to just get supply in return from the grand kids.  The distinction is subtle, but it's there.  There was an ease to it that I never feel with NM or NMIL.  I always have to have my ear to the ground with them.  There may be a post in this too; the differences in grand parenting.  But I felt good leaving the visit.  I held my ground, I was grown up, I didn't slip (too much) into feeling like a bullied child.  We had fun, the kids had fun, I survived airport security and two flights with two toddlers!

During the visit, I had a visit with my uncle and his wife.  It was wonderful and I felt like I belonged.  Like a little peace was place back in my heart.  This didn't last long.  We had all talked about a family reunion.  I offered to start an email chain to talk about it.  This didn't sit well with family members who felt a reunion had already been planned...yet they hadn't TOLD anyone about it.  Long story short, one extended family member, whom I've only met once, ripped me a new one for being ungrateful and in the wrong, although she never mentioned me.  Several relatives called me or my dad to discuss how horribly this family member had spoken.  But no one said anything.  No one.  The just let it die.  And so, I guess some reunion is planned, but no one will talk about it and lots of family members were given no voice in it.  One of my aunts kind of talked out of both sides of her mouth, and as the get together is at her house (and her DIL is the one that got on me)I don't think I'll go.  The damn thing was going to be complicated to attend as it was, and then when it all fell apart, I just gave up.

This reunion was the second time NSIS turned up the heat on me.  She sent me a quick line suggesting that this other woman was a peach.  I replied, "yes, she is."

My sister and I haven't spoken on the phone since 2 days after my younger son's first birthday.  At that time, she called, complained for over an hour about her boyfriend (and her subsequent fears of commitment due to our horrid childhood), and never ONCE mentioned my son, his birthday, or anything else that might be going on in my life.  I let it go, as I usually do, because I was actually surprised that she was exploring how her past was effecting her future.

Several months later, I heard (as readers may recall) from an extended family member that my sister (very young sister) had cancer.  Lots of drama ensued.  I fielded lots of calls from hysterical NM and my upset father.  NSis had announced, late at night, that she had cancer and then quickly took it down.  She did not call me or my father and had not mentioned it once to NM, who had visited just weeks earlier.  There was a lot of confusion.  I refused to call my sister, as I felt that she needed to call me.  I wasn't trying to be a brat.  I wanted to respect her privacy, allow her the time to reach out to me, or just plain give her breathing room (which I surmised is what I would have done with any other grown up who had chosen not to call me.)  I waited for awhile and sent to separate communications telling her I was available if she needed me.  I didn't push or pry.  She replied back vaguely.  I knew that she expected me to hunt her down, pry things out of her, and let her play the victim.  Still to this day, I have no idea if she even had cancer.  But let me say, the circumstances around the event are sketchy at best (I have not spoken to either of my parents about this since November, as I wanted to quit having them be the middle man.  To my knowledge, neither of them really knows the truth either, although they both tried to help and both offered to visit.  She declined all offers of help except money.).  At the same time, NSis was going through significant problems with her boyfriend (violent issues) that were resulting in her possibly being evicted.   From what I saw, these issues with NSis's boyfriend seemed to be at the fore front of NSis's priorities.

Around late fall, NM called me, again hysterical, claiming Nsis was having surgery.  While NSis did appear to have some sort of medical procedure, the procedure NM called me about was not it.  NSis, in the midst of this NSis called me (While ignoring NM's calls.  My parents had become increasingly frustrated that NSis often was difficult to get a hold of, wouldn't return phone calls, and was clear with information.  She had also called my father several times in a screaming, hysterical fit of anger.  One time, out of concern for her safety, he had called the cops.  Oh, and also during this time my grandmother had a heart attack.  NSis was in such a rage at one point that she didn't even hear my father tell her this, but continued to scream like a banshee at him for all the wrong he'd done.  Then, NSis tried to play the "good girl" game and "reach out" to my grandmother.  She also had texted me at this time -in the middle of the night, the same night my father had told her the information - that grandmother had gone to the hospital.  Of course, I already knew this information and it annoyed me that she would text it to me, especially at 3 a.m.).  When NSis called, I was actually attempting to call my husband.  I accidentally picked up her line and immediately hung up.  When she called again and again, I was trying to call husband at the same time, and I believe I hung up on her twice again.  I was frantic to speak to DH first and calm myself down before I talked to her (she induces HUGE anxiety in me.  She is mean and volatile and screams at me.)  I finally answered, and what do you know, she laid into me.  Raged against me for not being there, ignoring her, blah, blah, blah.  I'll admit, she got to me.  I tried to rationalize.  I told her, calmly, that I would not allow her to verbally abuse me like she had my father. This ENRAGED her to a point, that I couldn't deal with it.  I told her to fuck off and hung up. (She later claimed I told her to fuck off and die.  Funny how narcs can add or delete words to amp things up.)

She continued to try to reach me.  I informed her that I would be contacting her through email only.  I told her that I would email her when I could to explain my feelings.  She harassed me with texts all through Thanksgiving.  Telling me she missed her sister.  Blah, blah.  Give the kids a hug for me.  Blah, blah.

I did send her an email.  A thoughtful, calm email in which I stated some basic things that had led to me moving away from her (I avoided details, as I felt that it would just bog us down in that, which wasn't the point.  It was the patterns of her behavior which I needed to address).   She replied that she was stunned.  She laid into me with blame, shame, and anger.  Told me how horrible I was for not supporting her medical bullshit.  How dare I criticize her, she wanted to know, when she was struggling so hard.  She told me that she would get back to me more when she could wrap her head around the craziness that I had emailed her.  (For what it's worth, I had two fellow bloggers read and edit this email and help me create it in a way that was as calm, collected, and adult as I could.  I tried very hard to eliminate any accusations and just clearly establish boundaries.)

For months, my sister chose to not follow up with her thoughts she had promised.  She sent a quick reply text to one I sent for her birthday.  There may have been a quick text at Christmas.  I don't remember now.

Shortly after NM visited in February, I received the email she'd promised.  This email was coincidentally timed after my mother's visit, when I am certain that NM relayed the news that my family would be visiting my father.  This email too was wretched, really.  Again full of gas lighting, crazy making, shaming, projections.  She played the victim and the martyr too.  If I wasn't worried about being found out, I'd publish her emails in entirety  as they are such text book examples of narcissistic communication.  Alas, you'll just have to take my word for it (there are a few other of my blogger friends who have also weighed in on these emails and have come to the same conclusions as me about them.)  At the bottom of the message, NSis got to her real point.  She ordered me to at least "respect" her enough to not discuss our issues with mom and dad and make them go betweens.  This part is so laughable but so clearly outlines her fucked up thinking.  I had not discussed NSis with my parents since November and I had, in fact, clearly told my parents that I would no longer be discussing NSis or accepting any information about her.  If NSis wanted to reach me, she could.  NSis's accusations that I had been discussing her behind her back was pure projection and an attempt to control triangulation for her own uses.

I replied that I would be responding to this email, but later.  She replied, "thanks. I appreciate that." or something similar.  Two minutes later, she sent another email asking if I liked a piece of furniture she wanted to buy.  WTF?  Last I'd heard, she was broke.  And beyond that, how the hell did we get back to playing pretend and offering up sisterly advice on furniture?  I supposed that since she had gotten all of her feelings out and raged against me, she felt better and it was over for her.  She got "back" at me for not supporting her and then moved on.

The trip with Dad went well, as described above, and we actually never mentioned NSis. I did talk to step mom one night, not really discussing NSis, but telling step mom how hard it's really been for me and that I hoped my father could understand that I am trying to protect myself (he has always stated I owe NSis nothing and am not responsible for her.)  Step mother was kind and supportive.  During this trip, the family reunion came up.

First, NSis sent the "peachy" remark.  Then, NM stepped in as a flying monkey, describing how sad NSis was that she couldn't go to the reunion, as she didn't have a ride.  The stench of obligation was all over the email.  I could guess what she was hinting at.  I ignored this email.  NSis brought up on the family email chain that she didn't have a ride either.  I ignored this too.

Last week, NSis sent me a text saying she'd sent my kids a package and to let her know when it gets there.  Strange....(not really).  She hasn't sent (or even acknowledged) my kids on their last two birthdays for one and one birthday for the other or on Christmas.  One Christmas she told me that she was too broke for gifts for the kids, but then spent hours on the phone agonizing over what to buy her boyfriend.  And it's not about the gifts, but the total lack of thought for them.  So, the "gifts" arrive.  This reeks of lame attempts to get me back into the fold.  And I'm angry that she thinks sending a package will somehow make me forget that she's treated me like dirt, very recently.   I text her back saying we received it, the kids enjoyed it, and thank you.

Two days later (the email was sent in the middle of the night, I suspect she'd been drinking), I received an email demanding all of the family photos be sent to her.  That I was keeping her "childhood" from her.  That I had no right to keep them and that NM had given them to me expecting me to "do right" by them.  Um, OK. NM did give me the family photos, as she was sick of storing reminders of her ex-husband and I am the responsible one.  NSis has destroyed or lost many family memories before this.  And besides, I had never suggested that I wouldn't give her her share.  Again, this was a clear manipulation tactic.  And I bit.  I'd been trying to figure out a way to communicate to her a response to her email, and this was a clear opportunity.

I wrote back an email, clearly stating my boundaries again.  I pointed out her manipulations and gas lighting and stated I wouldn't be falling for her accusations and guilt trips.  I explained that, despite her insistence that I was being sneaky and "hiding" from her and being passive, that I was merely taking my time to sort through things.  And that this time had allowed me to see that, no, things still haven't changed.

NSis wrote back a scathing email, degrading me and verbally abusing me.  She told me what a piece of shit I was and how disappointed she was with me due to what I've "become".  I didn't get this email until a lengthy texting chain which started with her calling me a "nasty bitch".  I was able to ignore the first few texts and phone calls.  Then she told me I was ridiculous and demanded I call her that day.  I took this as an opportunity to tell her that I actually do have other things going on in my life (I actually was really busy, but that shouldn't matter) and I don't need to drop everything in order to allow her time to scream at me and call me names.  She told me that she wouldn't call me names.  Um, you just texted me that I'm a nasty bitch. Between the email and the texts, she called me abusive, told me I was scum for reducing her beautiful gestures of amends to fake crap, told me I'd turned into a horrible person, accused me of triangulation (I told her I'd give the pictures back to my mother.  I mean, it's a HUGE box full of photo albums.  I'm not really going to send that shit), told me I was horrible for ranking her "out" of the family and pushing her out of the family.  Somewhere in there, she accused ME of withholding the children she never makes an effort to communicate with.  She told me I've turned into a horrible person and she's disappointed and saddened by it.  My friend Kara summed it up by saying she threw every narc trick at me but the kitchen sink.  As Jonsi said, it was "textbook" narc.    NSis finished up with a text saying that her only intent was to have a friendly call and "catch up" about "good and positive" things.  Was she deluded?  SHE started the communication chain by accusing me, basically, of stealing the family photos out from under her.  She called me nasty names, verbally abused me, harassed me, refused to stop when I told her I was done, and blamed it all on me and my defective personality.  What amazed me was her ability to shift tactics with in minutes.  It was like talking to Sybil.  One minute she was kind and nice and wanting to make amends, the next she's raging at me and telling me I'm worthless (she even threatened during one early email to not have a relationship with me.)I do wonder if there are other factors (bipolar or borderline) that play into her behavior, but regardless, she is dangerous to me.

So, that in a nut shell has been my life since Christmas.  I'm exhausted.  And tired.  And the thing is, I'm disheartened to know that it is never going to stop.  Even if I go NC with NSis, she will never let me go.  She'll always be there, waiting, to jump on any opportunity to get me.  I hate that, even with NC, ACoNs are left looking over their shoulder, waiting for the boogie man to jump out of the shadows.  That, even with boundaries, we jump at a phone ringing or get sinking feelings (instead of happy ones) when an unexpected package shows up.  I'm tired of the fact that every damn birthday or holiday or anything wonderful has to be mired with drama and crap.  Even if I've stayed out of the fray or walled me and my FOC off, they are still there, on the other side of the fence, waiting to engulf us at all times.  I'm tired of mending fences and using my sheer will to hold them up, only to have MIL barge through them again.  Any crack in the wall, is an invitation to engulf us again.  I'm pissed off that I've had to make decisions about my future based on what I can deal with from these people.   Or that we've had to bow out of things we loved, because the narcs took over.  This shit SUCKS.

I will say, on a positive note, that even as tired as a I am, I'm stronger.  And better.  They may be wearing me out, but I'm holding my own.  I'm not in a ball on the floor in tears.  I'm not wandering around like a zombie, unable to participate in life.  I'm not beating myself up at every opportunity.  I'm not perfect, I still have a lot to learn and do, but it's getting better.

The Elephant in the Room

Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills.  I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better.  But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw.  So, again this post will be about her.

I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon.  I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them.  I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids.  As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all).  But it was manageable   I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.

Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend.  I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me.  When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed.  But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger.  As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced  how I could approach him in a less aggressive way.  When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home.  I had expected you home at 4."  He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off.  OK.  I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door.  I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.)  I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help.  He agreed.

It was wonderful.  I felt accomplished.  I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening.  So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back.  He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday.  They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner."  So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it.  MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them.  No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL.  Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs.  There is an agenda to it:  she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL.  It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line.  She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky.  Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say.  But it just seems like this happens all the time.  MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans.  No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us.  Sure, we can refuse to go.  We can say we have other plans.  But we know there is an implied demand that we comply.  It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact.  We are never consulted.  And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.

But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it.  But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too.  They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour.  I told (MIL) that we couldn't."  So, here we were.  Another surprise visit.  A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour.  BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time.  But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated.  My stomach started hurting.  I tensed up.  I started shaking and getting antsy.  What in the hell was going on?  My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go.  This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.

A little background to the farm tours.  The farm is down the street from my house.  I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend).  SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise).  I believe they went with us once.  But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends.  Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to.  But this isn't the first time this has happened.  It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else.  It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together.  In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids  (cousins of close age) can play.  DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us.  Ever.  After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together.  So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people.  And that's what happened here.  BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL.  We are not family apparently   And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us.  MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all.   They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us.  Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother.   She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch.  Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)

I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table.  But hearing about the farm just shut me down.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him my feelings.  I needed to get it out and I needed his support.  But I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't understand.  I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me.  But it sounded stupid.  Why couldn't they go to the tour?  They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically.  Another habit she has.  She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.)  DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic.  And that's what I'm sure I sounded like.  This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place.   She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.

I thought and thought about it.  I consumed a glass of wine.  And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:

MIL is like an elephant.  A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force.  You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons.  The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face.  And she's running at me with a flag in her hand.  Constantly.  This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine.  She just barrels right over the top of me.  It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle.  She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself.  So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine.  She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way.  She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created.  For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others.  AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me.  (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share.  That family does share.  There are no boundaries).  She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too.  She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there.  She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself.  She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything.  It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself.  How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created).  She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm.  It'll be an annual "family thing".  And she does this to me over and over and over and over.

But here is the hard part.  Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant.  They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!"  "She's just excited" they'll exclaim.  They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour.  Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own".  They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go.  They'll say, why do you need credit?  But the thing is, I don't need the credit.  But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT.  She has to be in charge and directing it all.  No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her.  Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants.  No one sees that she has buried me in the ground.  They just see a loving, excited grandma.  I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.

A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant.  That is what she is to me.  Recognizing this has helped.  I actually was able to communicate this to DH.  He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.

But what do I do now?  How do I stop a charging elephant?  How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?

Worm Vent

Is it just me, or do narcissists have a way of implanting things in your brain?  Like little worms that crawl in an infest your brain with toxicity.  It seems that NM has away of implanting little things in my head.  I don't always feel it at first, or maybe it's just like a pin prick.  But then days or weeks later, I begin to think about some little things she slipped into the conversation.  Some little wormy piece of subterfuge that burrows in, waiting for an opportune moment.   Like a bomb on a timer, implanted way into the bowels of my soul, ticking away waiting to blow.

I used to think I was just over analyzing things.  That I was thinking too much about stuff.  DH tells me that.  And probably, that is somewhat true.  But I think there is a lot to it.  I don't think NM always does it intentionally.  Sometimes she does.  Sometimes it's a little passive-agressive remark, slipped in under my arm to nail me in a weak spot.  Something so passive-aggressive I don't even understand the full effect of her words until later.  Sometimes, I think I'm just so busy blocking her blows that I can't fully pay attention to what she says.  I'm ducking and weaving and doing my best to avoid her traps.  It's not until later, when I'm able to put my guard down that I can actual attend to what she said.  And sometimes, her little barbs are just a by-product of who she is.  Sneaky, subversive and manipulative.  It's so a part of who she is, I don't always recognize it.

Something she said in our recent conversation has gotten under my skin.  I noticed it right away, but it's still annoying me now.  And I need to vent, to dispel the little toxic worm from my brain.

NM told me that she knows things about my sister that "would make (my) toes curl."  She hinted that she is a bastion of untold secrets, vile, horrible things that she has been burdened with.    That she alone carries this burden.  She's told me crap like this before.  She's insinuated that she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders with NSis's secrets (as well as other's secrets that she's also been burdened with).  This bothers me for so many reasons.

First, it's like she's throwing it in my face.  As I discussed with my last post on worrying,  she implies (indirectly) that by not being burdened with said secrets, I am somehow lesser than her.  I'm a less supportive family member, I'm less involved, I'm just less.  It is somehow a flaw of mine.  She implies that she is somehow stronger, better, and more attuned to my sister.  She implies that she is more giving, more involved, more...well, just more.  She somehow finds it to be a check mark in her "win" category. 

I want to scream at her, "what the hell do you want, a medal?".  I wonder what is the "appropriate" response she expects?  What am I possibly supposed to say to that?  I could ask her what the secrets are.  But she would never tell.  She just likes to dance around, claiming her superiority at knowing said secrets.  And am I supposed to want to know these secrets?  Am I supposed to feel sorrier for my sister with this mystery knowledge?  It makes me angry that she hints how horrible and awful the information is, and lets me imagine all the disgusting, vile things it could be without every really telling me what it is.   I find it so childish and immature.

And really, I think it's ridiculous she knows this shit to begin with.  There are things about me that would curl her toes.  But I don't tell her everything.  She's my mother.  She doesn't need to know all of my deepest and darkest secrets (not that there is a lot, but I would surely shock prim and proper her).   I wonder if she thinks she is somehow better for swimming down in my sister's shit with her.  I wonder if she thinks she is a good mom because my sister tells her everything.  Good for them.  I think I'll pass.

I hate that she gets off on this.  I hate that she even brings it up.  I hate that she uses it to chastise me.  I hate that it irritates me after the fact.  I hate that she thinks this is a good thing, or an honorable thing, or that somehow she is a "better" person than me for having all this sullied knowledge.  I hate that she thinks I'm a "lesser" person because I am not involved.  And how could I be involved?  Just another lose/lose wormy little situation.

My Weekend in the Narc Hood Part 1

I've been rolling the events of my weekend around in my head.  I really wasn't going to post about it.  Because really I didn't know what to say.  And some of the details were other people's private details.  I've been (probably poorly) trying to limit (edit?) some of the details of my life to protect my anonimity.  And I didn't know how I could discuss all that's happened without compromising myself a bit.  But then I decided I really didn't care anymore.  I'm not saying anything that I wouldn't discuss directly with the people involved.  And it all just started to get so crazy, that I needed to write it all down; for myself, and for some outside perspective.

Before I start, I'll apologize that this post might be a bit tangential.  There is a lot of background and side stories that figure into the events (isn't there always with narcs?).  Also, I've been dealing with crap from both my husband's family and my family.   Although its all been going on concurrently,  I decided to separate the two situations into two separate posts.  So, here goes part 1:

I think my sister is going crazy.  For a little recap:  sister claimed several months back that she had cancer.  Cancer of the lady parts.  Which lady parts is still up for debate.  Sister is in her early 30s.  Sister was diagnosed in early 2012 (and all of this is speculative, because nothing has been directly told to me by my sister.  And even if she had told me directly, it's all suspect at this point.)  In August, sister announced, very late at night and on FB that she has cancer.  She hadn't told my dad and hadn't told me.  I reached out on several occasions to get her to talk, but got vague answers, if at all.  As I've been told, sister got radiation and hormone treatment (all as outpatient) once a week for a  month.  She was very vague with everyone.  She avoided all phone calls from my father and mother, or took them sparingly, claiming she was fatigued or too upset to talk.  She never returned my attempts to contact her.  During this time, she also ignored my son's birthday (nothing new, she's missed the last several) and ignored my son's surgery.   She took money from my dad, managed to go out and cash the check, but never managed to call and thank him or even say she got it.   She called my dad once and screamed at him for being a bad father and ruining her life (because of situations revolving around my parents' divorce almost 20 years ago).  She was so hysterical that my dad finally had to hang up and call the cops.  She also stated to him that her boyfriend is beating her (she has been in many relationships where domestic violence is involved.)  She cried that she didn't know what to do, and was unwilling to listen to him offer solutions.   During this time, my father offered to come visit and help or stay with her, but she told him it was unnecessary.  She called my father in the middle of the night, twice, the night before her retest for cancer with a "panic attack" (I have no way to validate it as a panic attack, but these were my sister's words).  My father talked to her for over an hour at 3:30 a.m.   My sister never called to let him know the results of said retest.

My mother (NM) has also had limited contact with my sister, but has been her unwavering supporter.  Although my sister has offered limited information, and often brushed her off, (and I'm sure also accepted money from her), my mother has repeatedly lobbied for sister's "support" during her time of crisis.  NM has admonished me for not supporting sister enough (during my son's birthday, and if you'll remember, they tried to have a little "reunion" during this time to show my sister support...during my son's birthday).  NM has offered up lots of excuses for sister.  She has vilified sister's boyfriend as an abuser.  She has found lots of ways to excuse sister from any and all responsibility for herself.    NM has also managed to sneak in a few jabs at my father (a man she cheated on and left) for not being their enough for sister AND for NM!  NM has called my father several times to discuss sister, for no other reason that I can see, than to create drama.  

NM sent me an email over the weekend detailing how sister and her abusive boyfriend had a nice weekend together.  My broke sister, who took off lots of time for treatment, took off several days to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday (included, I'm sure, was a nice material gift.  Many, many times, I've listened to my sister cry that she's too broke to buy Christmas gifts for her family-not that I expect one-and then cry that she can't decide which expensive gift to buy her boyfriend.).  Sister and boyfriend also went out and bought new items for their apartment (relatively pricey ones).  Guess daddy's check helped out right in time.

So, last night I get an email from my dad telling me that my beloved Grandmother had a heart attack and was life flighted to a larger hospital for treatment.  (Yes, the email was a horrible choice, one I would have been upset about, had he not called me today to follow up. )  A little more background, Grandmother does not like my mother and hasn't since the divorce.  She's never been calloused or judgmental  but my mother pulled some really crappy shit around that time (some of which was directly against my grandmother) and my grandmother has chosen to not want anything to do with NM (and fairly so).   Around 8 years ago, my sister went to visit my grandmother.  For some reason, my sister didn't feel like my mother was welcoming and kind enough to her.  So after the visit, my sister wrote a long (and not kind) email to my grandmother.  This caused another rift.  My sister, as recently as six months ago, said she really never cared to talk to my grandmother, and blamed my grandmother for the fight.

This morning, very, very early in the morning (read: long before most people are up) my sister started text messaging me and calling me in a tizzy over my grandmother.    I hadn't slept most of last night and I was not happy to get this early wake up call (also, my sister works odd hours so she's often up in the very early morning.  She thinks nothing of calling people at 2 or 3 a.m.   Often she is drunk and hysterical.  Often she's in a fight with someone.  She takes it personally when you are not there to "support her".  I've confronted her, and until today, she's stopped calling me like that.  My mother turns off her phone at night.  Dad has been getting the majority of the calls lately).  When I finally got up, I wondered what in the hell my sister possibly could need to discuss with me about my grandma.   It was almost like she was rushing to tell me the "gossip".   She obviously had no impulse control.

My mother also sent text messages.  In one, she asked if I was "doing OK".  Ever since I told her I wanted their drama out of my life, she treats me as if I'm just too fragile and "not strong" enough to deal with stress.  Stress is one thing, stupid drama is another.  In the next texts, she details that all the information she's managed to drum up from one of my relatives that she has contact with.   It really, really pissed me off that she felt I was not adult enough to get the information myself.  That she had to rush and get the "scoop" and get involved.  And that it was all for the sake of being in the middle of everything.  She also tells me that my dad "wasn't very forthcoming" with information for my sister.   And that my sister wants to call my grandma.  WTF?  I want to call and yell for her to keep sister away from my grandmother.  I mean, my sister is unstable, not particularily nice, and the last thing she needs is a call from my long, lost sister.  But I decide it's not my place to tell my sister (through my mother, none-the-less) what to do.  I'm really, really annoyed with both of them.  But I decide to ignore them.

My father calls this afternoon to update me and let me know what's going on (he had another family member's funeral to go to this morning).  He tells me that my sister called him last night screaming and verbally abusing him again for ruining her life.  Now, while I do agree that the period of time my sister is referring to did change our lives forever, and that she needs to process it to move on, I'm not sure how screaming at my dad will change that.  And while my dad can be a self-absorbed, selfish, one-sided person, he has ALWAYS owned up to his part in the divorce and the aftermath.  He has always apologized (a real apology) and claimed his part.  He may not totally get how bad it was, but he's always held himself accountable.  And after 20 years, and a lot of bad choices on my sister's part, she needs to take some responsibility for treating herself.  (And I've got to wonder in all of this, what the hell happened with her cancer?  It's all but been forgotten as far as I know).   My sister yells at my father for not paying child support and rationalizes that this is why he owes her money.  It's all his fault she screams.

And here's the kicker.  My dad tries three times (THREE TIMES) to tell my sister that my grandmother has had a heart attack and is in intensive care.  He told me that every time she just continues to rail against him.  Until he finally has to hang up.  And turn off the phone.  And it's not until this morning that she becomes SO upset about my grandmother that she makes early morning phone calls to me.

I've kind of had it at this point.  This is all so ridiculous in my mind.  All I can think is WTF?  What the hell is going through her little head? I've been wrestling for awhile with all the secrets about my sister that my mom and sister have had me keep from my dad.  How they collaberate in getting him to give my sister money.  How my mom boosts my sister up into believing he owes her something.  How my sister has flown off to visit her very abusive ex-boyfriend not to long ago (once in the city where my father lives.  Sister didn't bother to go visit my dad at this time).   How my sister lies and manipulates to get what she wants.  I struggle with how much this information is none of my business, and not my crap to tell, and I might be a gossip for telling my dad, how I really need to stay out of it and how much she is lying and manipulating my dad to get what she wants.  It's hard to know all these "secrets" of hers.  And to know my dad makes decisions on how to help her that aren't based in knowing the whole truth.   I have struggled with what the right thing to do was.  But today I told him some things.  Today I told him I thought my sister was lying about her cancer.  Maybe not totally, but that things don't add up.  I told him that she is seriously mentally ill and that he needs to quit enabling her.  I told him that she lies and manipulates him.  I stopped short of some of the things I think would've really hurt him.  I'm so conflicted.  I feel like she's been abusing him.  But I also think he's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions on things.

And I can't help but think that in the end, my grandmother's in the hospital and it's all about them again.  Even if it's somewhat unintentional, they've greased the wheels so much that it circles back around to them.  I think my sister is going crazy (well is getting crazier).  I think my mother is feeding her crazy side.  I'm very afraid for what's ahead.  Things just don't feel good right now.

Crying Wolf

*This post has been edited from it's former self which was loaded with grammatical, thematic, and spelling errors.  In my rush to get it all out, I didn't bother to re-read it and I thank all of you who stumbled through the garbled version I first posted.

You all had warned me.  Told me to be on the lookout.  I had said it was too quiet around here, still in it's quietness.  And you all warned me that  they were just bidding their time and would ramp it up.  Well, today it hit.

I got a call from my Dad this morning.  If you remember, this was the week he was supposed to visit.  I was sure that he was calling to tell me he was coming anyway.  Or that it was bad news.  Either way, it couldn't be good for him to be calling bright and early in the morning.  I let it go to voice mail.  The message was worse than I had expected.   He had received a call from my Aunt saying that my sister had cancer.

I was dumbstruck.  How this Aunt knew my sister had cancer was disturbing as she could've only got the information of FB.  The fact that neither my Dad or I knew nothing about her having cancer was disturbing.  He had tried calling her but got no response or call back.   I was away from home when I got the call, so I stressed the whole way back.   Rushing to get to my computer.   Nothing on FB.  I emailed mom.  She called immediately.  I hadn't wanted to talk to neither her nor my sister.  But I figured I might as well deal with it.

Mom started in with 20 questions about where my Dad was.  Every question she asked, I responded with "Why?  What is going on?"  Again and again, is he home, where is he, exactly WHERE is he?  Why?  I responded.  Where he is at is none of her damn business.  Then she lets loose.  Detailing that my sister had gone to the doctor and been told she had something "like cancer".  Or something that could be cancer.  Or something.   She didn't have any specifics.  But the crazy part is, that this was SIX MONTHS AGO and NSis hadn't been back to the doctor since.   She didn't have any money.  Or was afraid.  Or couldn't deal.  It was all so fucked up.  She had "let it slip" in a conversation with my mother three days ago.

 NM and my conversation was insane.  It wound around to how NSis and her (newly) live in boyfriend are fighting.  And NM had "confronted" him but saved what she really needed to say if she needed to confront him "to his face".  She's all tough and mean, I guess.  What exactly she confronted him on is up in the air too.  I guess because he's an ass (which I think he is) but so is NSis.  She is no picnic to be in a relationship with.   They've only lived together for about two months and this has been the second or third fight where she's kicked him out, or he's not come home, or the drama has reached a fever pitch.  It's ridiculous.  And NM is all in the middle of it.   Telling him that he doesn't need to be supportive of NSis, she doesn't need him,  she has her family.  I really don't know how the conversation about NSis's cancer turned into this.  And back to the cancer.  I argue.  I think it seems fishy.  NSis had posted on FB, late at night, that she has cancer.  Friends and family were upset (understandably).  Who the hell tells everyone about cancer on FB?  Least of all their immediate family?  What the fuck is that?  NM and I go rounds about how NSis always has crap and drama in her life (big drama, ALWAYS).  How this seems sudden diagnosis seems weird to me.  That something is off.    And what was the actually diagnosis, again?  Well, this time NM is certain that  the NSis actually said the words cancer.  That isn't what she said in the beginning.  Then we go rounds about how NSis needs to grow up, and NM needs to butt out of her life and let her grown up.  And NSis needs to make her own doctors appointments and take charge and communicate like a grown up.  NM states she is going go get NSis to sign a privacy waiver so NM can talk to the doctor too.  Awesome.  Then, we have some brief, teary, moments where NM bitches about my Dad and his lack of support for his daughter and how horrible this is for her to go through "alone".  And how she agonized over calling Dad and having to tell him about it.  I took the reigns and said not to worry, I'd call him.

By this point, I was angry.  Shaking angry.  NM said she hadn't wanted to tell me because she didn't want to stress me out.  Apparently, I'm too fucking fragile to deal with this.  Well, it's not the damn cancer I can't deal with.  It's all the drama, and the crap, and the lies, and the bullshit.  It's not even knowing what in the hell is going on.  It's having to call my dad to say that no one knows what is going on.  It's the "bait" that's laid out, so that NSis can feel important while everyone scrambles to call her.  Her holding all the cards.  And I don't know.  Maybe she is sick.  That would be horrible.  But I'm so tired of stressing about "could be" and "maybe" and "possibles".   I'm so tired of the secrecy and smoke and mirrors.  I'm so tired of everyone getting all worked up when no one has anything concrete to get worked up over.  And, frankly, this is nothing new.  There is always some fucking crisis going on.  And yes, they are real crises, but a lot of them are of my sister's doing.  She's always getting robbed or held up or hit by a car or in an accident or beat up by a boyfriend or in a fight or losing her job.  Mom says she has "bad luck".  Really?  How can someone be that damn unlucky????  She's been going around dealing with a lot of the stuff from our childhood lately.  She's been slipping into bad habits, talking to old assholes she shouldn't, drinking too much.  She's always in trouble with money.  She's very bright and a hard worker, but is always getting "screwed" by her employers.  I've spent years with knots in my stomach.  Years dealing with late night phone calls with her sobbing.  She often is sick and has hospital bills.  It's all been too much.  Especially since it's all one way.  There is no return.  There is no support back.  There is no concern or respect for me.  If there was I wouldn't have had to hear THIRD HAND ab out her cancer!!  All I can say  is that I'm so damn angry.  And I'm sure I am a cold-hearted bitch to my NM and NSis.  I'm sure I'm supposed to be doing more, crying more, devastated.  Problem is, I don't even know what I'd be crying about.

I called my Dad, who is on vacation.  We talked about it.  At least he is a voice of reason.  At least he sees through the bullshit.  He can be a selfish ass,  but he is not careless and insensitive and blinded by the bullshit.  He figures he tried to get a hold of her and did his part.  She can call him back now.  He's tired of the games too.  He's tired of my mother's games.  He's tired of her accusing him of not helping out more.

It's just all so fucked up.  I just want to lead a normal, drama free life.  Who has a crazy-ass family like this?  Why is it always such turmoil?  Why is it so fucking difficult?  I know that no life is perfect or that you don't hit rough patches.  But, Good Lord, I feel like we are always on a road with potholes the size of craters.  I'm getting off this damn road.  I don't know what my next step is.  I sent off a quick email to NM, when she inquired how it went with my Dad.  I haven't called my sister.  I don't really have anything to say.  And frankly, if she wants to tell me something, she can call me.  I can support her and be there for her, but I'm not going to chase after her and profess my undying love.  And if this wasn't the millionth time this has happened, I could be more understanding.  If I was told the truth, I could help.  If NM didn't inundate me with weekly reports of the sick and dying, I wouldn't be so calloused.  It's all just so sick.

NM's Reward for her Long Suffering

Reading through the blogs, so many repressed memories have come back, slamming me in the face.  So many things that I've just set aside and moved past.  Buried way back inside my head and heart.  But a few days ago, I read lifesizevision's post about discovering his mother's affair, and so many things came back to me.

I really hadn't thought about my mother's affair in a long time.  It had been so totally eclipsed by so many other hurts, abuses, and layers of pain, that it had faded into the background.  In reading lifesizevision's post I  was reminded about how much it had hurt me at the time.  How betrayed I felt.  And I struggled with why I had dismissed this offense and now, hardly even thought about it.

Mom and I had gone to pick up my little sister from a school function.  It was dark, the rain poured down, and my sister was expected at any minute.  And mom dropped the bomb shell.  The next day, my dad would be looking for an apartment.  He'd be moving out.  They were divorcing.  She didn't even have the decency to tell me this face to face, in a place I could process it.  She ambushed me, knowing NSis would be arriving shortly.  Knowing that I'd never let on, as I wouldn't want to upset her.  She offered no explanation, no excuses, no reasons.  Offered me no comfort.

I remember being devasted and scared and confused.  I sat in my room for a long time, probably a month.  I took my Dad's old T.V. from his room.  I came out of my room only to shower and eat dinner.  I remember my Dad checking on me once.  I remember, that for the most part, they left me alone.  No one came for me. I remember Dad falling apart.  My stoic, unemotional, detached dad came apart at the seams.  This terrified me.  But where was my mother?  Absent, gone....

I don't remember how I found out about the affair.  I have some vague recollection that it was my father who told me.  It's shocking to me how much I've blocked out.  Like some war veteran who only has flashbacks.   He was a man my mother worked with.  It had been going on a long time.  There were lots of secrets.  My mother wouldn't answer any questions about what had happened.  We were "children" and didn't need to know what went on, too young to be exposed to that.  Ha.  The irony must have been lost on her that we "children" had already been exposed to it and that she had expected us to grow up and deal with it like adults as we took care of ourselves because she was out cavorting around.

My sister read my dad's journal at some point and told me much later that mom had gone back and forth between this new man and my dad.  Played them against each other.  I always wondered what she had told the new man (now EStep-father, ESF).  I believe she lied and told him it was all over.  When his own daughter had an affair, and married the "new man", ESF disliked this new man greatly.  I wondered how he reconciled that with his own behavior, or how much mom had lied to him to convince him he wasn't that man.

It was another surprise attack when mom introduced us to her new man.  She often left us on the weekends to go be with him and his family.  She never took us along, because it was too early.  So she left us, two broken, damaged teenagers to our own devices for the whole weekend.  She never thought about how much this would hurt us.  How abandoned we felt.  How it was clear she was choosing this "new family" over her own.  She was having a grand old time while we drowned in the mess she left.  I played mom to my little sister.  I fed her, watched her, got her out of trouble.  And my sister was a trainwreck at 14.  Drinking, sneaking out of the house, sleeping with boys, throwing parties at my house.  Problems that would be difficult for an adult to deal with.  But they were my problems now.

So, one day mom pranced into the TV room with new man and new man's kids.  They'd had a delightful weekend.  She gave us no warning.  We were laying around when they walked in.  I remember feeling embarrassed that she had introduced us while we were just relaxing.  She acted like a teenage girl with a crush.  All giddy and smiley and happy.  And she expected us to be too.

We had many arguments about new man.  She argued that I was a selfish, horrible brat.  That I had no right to be angry with him or not like him.  That I OWED HER to be nice to him, accept him as my family, be respectful.  I was not allowed to be angry, or hurt, or upset.  I wan't allowed to have any feelings about the situation that weren't positive.  She reasoned that she had put up with years of abuse from my father and that it was her turn to be happy now.  She had found her "soul mate".  She was finally happy and putting herself first.  And how dare I suggest that she didn't deserve this.  How dare I try to deny her this happiness.  She railed against me for my betrayal of her by not being happy about it.  I see the absurdity now.  She had destroyed my family, betrayed me, my father, and my sister, forced a new man into my life, and I was expected to be HAPPY ABOUT THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.  She never once admitted any wrong doing.  She never once apologized.  What did she have to be sorry about, she reasoned?  She'd done nothing wrong except finally put herself first.  She couldn't even separate out that while her commitment to my father and her betrayal of that was enough, that she had also made a commitment to us, as her kids.  That by abandoning us when we needed her most, selling us out for her new found happiness, abandoning all of her responsibilities as a mother was even more of a betrayal.

When she married the new man, we also were expected to smile, be happy, not rain on her parade.  How dare we have any negative emotions.  This is what made her happy.  She even bullied us into singing her and new husband's wedding song.  It made my stomach hurt.  Torture.  Abuse.  Horrific memories.  She and new hubby had a secret number that they used to use to sign all of their cards.  Some secret code number.  I know, even though she refused to tell me what it signified, that this was the hotel number of the room they would meet up in.  For years, they signed all of their cards with that number.  For years, she would get us rooms at this hotel when we stayed in town.  And I remember vividly how prominently it was displayed on her wedding cake.  I remember thinking at the time how stupid she must've thought me to be.  I remember thinking what a HUGE SLAP IN THE FACE it was.  How I choked on that damn cake.  How I wish now that she had choked on that damn cake.   What a horrible wretch of a person.  Who does that to her kids?  Who betrays them and then demands that they be happy about it?  Accuses them of disloyalty and feigns hurt if the kids dare to have some negative emotions about it?  Who places the blame on her kids for not doing everything they can to make her new marriage and family work out?  Who denies their kids any right to their feelings or reactions?  My fucked up mother, that's who.

Years later, as we continued to fight about it all, she would claim she did it all for me.  She would through it in my face that I was just angry about the divorce if I even disagreed with her.  Like it was some flaw on my part.  And yes, I was angry about it all still.  I'd never been allowed to process any of it.  Never been to therapy (mom would never have taken ME to therapy, what was there to need therapy about, this was a GOOD thing).  The fallout from this one event still rained down around me.  I was being forced to go back to the "way things were", not that they were that way to begin with.  She had no idea how badly she had betrayed my trust, destroyed any notions of what I thought our relationship was, destroyed our relationship period.  She just expected me to move on and get on with things.  And so, if I dared get angry with her, I could have no valid reason, other than the divorce, which I actually had no valid reason to be angry about either.  And then, in one fight, she blamed it on me.  My dad was a horrible man, she claimed.  Angry, no job at the time (he'd been laid off and was going back to college, and was working).  She wanted a "better" life for me and my sister.  New hubby would offer security (monetary).  I was in shock to think that she thought she could just trade out one man for a new man as my father like it was a new pair of shoes.  That she thought I could just disconnect and except the substitute and move on.  That, when backed into a corner, she'd somehow placed all the blame on me.