The Elephant in the Room

Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills.  I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better.  But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw.  So, again this post will be about her.

I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon.  I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them.  I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids.  As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all).  But it was manageable   I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.

Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend.  I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me.  When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed.  But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger.  As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced  how I could approach him in a less aggressive way.  When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home.  I had expected you home at 4."  He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off.  OK.  I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door.  I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.)  I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help.  He agreed.

It was wonderful.  I felt accomplished.  I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening.  So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back.  He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday.  They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner."  So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it.  MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them.  No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL.  Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs.  There is an agenda to it:  she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL.  It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line.  She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky.  Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say.  But it just seems like this happens all the time.  MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans.  No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us.  Sure, we can refuse to go.  We can say we have other plans.  But we know there is an implied demand that we comply.  It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact.  We are never consulted.  And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.

But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it.  But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too.  They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour.  I told (MIL) that we couldn't."  So, here we were.  Another surprise visit.  A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour.  BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time.  But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated.  My stomach started hurting.  I tensed up.  I started shaking and getting antsy.  What in the hell was going on?  My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go.  This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.

A little background to the farm tours.  The farm is down the street from my house.  I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend).  SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise).  I believe they went with us once.  But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends.  Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to.  But this isn't the first time this has happened.  It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else.  It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together.  In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids  (cousins of close age) can play.  DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us.  Ever.  After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together.  So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people.  And that's what happened here.  BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL.  We are not family apparently   And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us.  MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all.   They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us.  Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother.   She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch.  Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)

I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table.  But hearing about the farm just shut me down.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him my feelings.  I needed to get it out and I needed his support.  But I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't understand.  I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me.  But it sounded stupid.  Why couldn't they go to the tour?  They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically.  Another habit she has.  She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.)  DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic.  And that's what I'm sure I sounded like.  This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place.   She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.

I thought and thought about it.  I consumed a glass of wine.  And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:

MIL is like an elephant.  A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force.  You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons.  The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face.  And she's running at me with a flag in her hand.  Constantly.  This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine.  She just barrels right over the top of me.  It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle.  She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself.  So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine.  She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way.  She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created.  For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others.  AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me.  (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share.  That family does share.  There are no boundaries).  She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too.  She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there.  She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself.  She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything.  It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself.  How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created).  She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm.  It'll be an annual "family thing".  And she does this to me over and over and over and over.

But here is the hard part.  Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant.  They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!"  "She's just excited" they'll exclaim.  They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour.  Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own".  They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go.  They'll say, why do you need credit?  But the thing is, I don't need the credit.  But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT.  She has to be in charge and directing it all.  No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her.  Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants.  No one sees that she has buried me in the ground.  They just see a loving, excited grandma.  I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.

A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant.  That is what she is to me.  Recognizing this has helped.  I actually was able to communicate this to DH.  He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.

But what do I do now?  How do I stop a charging elephant?  How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?

Bad Days

I'm having a bad day.  I'm not sure exactly why.  I know I'm depressed and sad and teary.  I'm tired and overwhelmed.  I feel like I have a lot to do but no energy or desire to do anything.  I'm irritable and cranky.   I'm being extra hard on myself today.  I'm questioning everything from my mothering to my goals in life to what the hell the point of any of it is.

Yesterday, a friend (I'll call friend EP) had texted DH a few weeks ago asking our plans for Trick or Treating.  Last year, we had plans for BIL and EP and their kids to come to our home and TorT.  Both BIL and EP had asked if they could come over, we hadn't invited them.  But we were happy to have them and their kids over.  Since I had a small infant at the time, we had told BIL and EP that we planned to go out early and while still daylight.  This plan had been in place for a week.  A few days before hand, BIL called twice to see if "things were still on".  I found this suspect, as he usually doesn't double check plans, but didn't think much of it.   On Halloween, DH came home to tell me that no one was coming.   Apparently,  EP and BIL had called each other earlier in the day, discussed how they didn't think the time I'd set to leave would work for them, and made plans with each other at EP's house.  They THEN called DH to cancel on us.   I wouldn't have cared if they had cancelled.  I understood it was difficult for them.  What bothered me is that no one said a thing for a week (both later claimed that they had not spoken to their wives and their wives put the ax on things.) and then the called each other and made alternative plans with each other, before the blew us off two hours before we were supposed to meet up.  I felt it was all suspect.  I fired off two texts to BIL and EP about how I thought it all seemed like b.s. and convoluted.  BIL (surprise) ignored me.  EP and I exchanged heated texts about the incident.  He claimed it wasn't intentional, apologized, and moved on.  Although, I was angry, I felt that I'd at least gotten to speak my piece.

I was surprised this year when EP called to ask what our plans were for TorT.  Of course, (and especially given our recent silent treatment status), BIL didn't ask about our plans at all.  But EP was coming.  DH explained that we are die-hard TorT people.  We'd go out early and be out late, but they were welcome to come if it worked for them.  EP said he'd be there as long as his work schedule didn't change.  By mid-afternoon, DH hadn't heard from EP and was going to call him.  I convinced him not to.  I told him that EP needed to be responsible for communicating with us.  It is not our job to call and double check everything with them (and everyone) all the time.  I want to let other people do some of the work in the relationship.  So, the appointed time came and went.  No friend.  No phone call.  Still no phone call today.  He just completely blew us off.

And today I'm a bit pissed off.  After the huge fiasco last year, I would've thought he'd been more respectful.  It just all seems like such bullshit.

I struggle with friendships.  I don't trust anyone really.   I have lots of friends but I often feel like the relationships are one way streets.  I have friends (and family) who love for me to host parties.  They love to invite themselves to my home.  I can't tell you when the last time someone invited me and my family to something.  I can't tell you the last time someone hosted me in their home.  I get lots of "I miss you!  We should make plans!!" but they don't ever call to make plans.  They always seem to put the responsibility on me.

DH has been pressuring me to go out with girlfriends.  I get the impression that he thinks that if I went out with a couple of friends that I would "feel better".    He likes to have a lot of friends.  He has a lot of friends.  He seems not to get that, yes, I need time for myself, but it doesn't always have to be with friends or at a "girls' night" in order to feel better.

And the truth is that I don't really know how to be friends with girls.  DH also has some fucked up distortion that I was a loner and an outcast as a kid.  That wasn't true.  I actually had a lot of friends.  I had a few close friends.  I tended to feel responsible to spend time with my family, to always be with my family, so I probably didn't hang out with others as much as I could've.  But I always had friends.  I made (and still make) friends easily.  I just don't know how to sustain any sort of relationship.  I was screwed over A LOT by my "friends" in the past.  I found women to be gossipy and catty and two-faced (and I realize not all women are, but the ones I found were.)  And then others just wanted too much of me.  Too much phone time, too much neediness, too much of me.   I always seemed to find friends who made me feel demanded of my time.  Or else it was all one sided.

I'll admit, I'm lonely at times.  I spend all day with my young children, deprived of adult conversations.  I wish I could just let go and have fun and talk with people.  But I feel like every time I  give someone the benefit of the doubt, they shit on me.  I feel like I'll be overwhelmed with demands and expectations.  I feel like they will take more than I can give.  I don't think I can be a good friend back.   And I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with my home and my kids and my crap that  I can't commit any more of myself to a friendship.  I really don't have anything else to give.  I barely have enough for myself at times.  It's a really unfortunate paradox for me.

Your Life is Better Than Her's

I apologize ahead of time for the scatter-brained nature of this post.

NM is playing games again.  I've mentioned before that she promised me a favor.  I knew ahead of time that she'd make me pay.  And pay she has.  It started almost a month ago.  She has to travel to my home for this favor.  Normally, I'd get 500 phone calls/emails/texts wanting to discuss the trip.  She said nothing.  And she continued to say nothing about the trip.  I thought, OK, well, let's play this out.  See how far it goes.  Well, two weeks ago, she started laying the groundwork.  I knew it was coming.  Tomorrow is NSIS's  "follow-up" appointment with the doctor.  I knew she was keeping her options open, in case she had to rush to NSis's side.  So, she started mentioning little things.  Slipping in how she wasn't feeling well.  Not returning my emails when I flat asked her if she was still coming.  She left my emails dangling for three whole days (this is a woman who texts/emails/calls several times a day.  I don't answer or respond, just for the record).  Finally, she decides to reply that she's "planning on coming."    Two days later, I get an email that she's got some physical ailment that will prevent her from coming...maybe...sort of.  Now, I'm annoyed.    I called out her bullshit.  Because, even though I can replace her, I actually kind of needed this favor.  And she knew that.  And she knew that it was actually a bit of an honor for me to have asked her  for this favor.  But instead of having any sort of acknowledgement of the honor (I know that sounds weird, since she's doing the favor for me) that I would select her to do this important thing for me, she's rubbing my nose in it.  I got pissed.  I called her bluff.  I told her not to worry about it.  Of course, then she became "cured"...sort of...but most likely.  Ugh.  The game playing.  I know, I know, quit playing her game.  I am glad that I didn't rise to her bait.  I didn't react.  I measured my responses.  I didn't let her get to me.  So, I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

You'd think that's be she'd be the one most on my mind, with all her game playing, but really it's my dad.  He's been trying to get a hold of me for awhile now.  We've been playing phone tag.  As I've told you all, I've been very busy (funeral, out of town on vacation, out of town wedding, "single parent" for several nights while DH was out of town, etc.).  Plus, I've got two little kids.  Trying to fit in phone calls (and these are not five minute calls, but usually an hour or so) in between naps, lunch, baths, dinner, doctor's appointments, and school is difficult.  I usually have two free hours a day.  And by free, I mean that I get two hours to clean, cook, shower, and maybe, just maybe have some time for myself.  I'm not complaining, it's just life right now.  I can't talk on the phone when my kids are around because they start to fight for my attention.  And dad would not be happy about screaming kids in the background.  So, I tried to call him back several times, over several weeks.  Then, I knew he was going out of town on vacation.  So, I popped an email out saying that he should let me know when he gets back.  Well, as soon as he gets back, he calls and starts out with a comment about how I'm difficult to get a hold of.  Then, he makes some crack about my husband being in a profession of crooks (and just for the record, he doesn't have a high opinion of 99% of the population or their profession).  I'm starting to get annoyed.  He asks if I've heard from my sister.  I say no.  I tell him that she won't return my calls and I'm done trying to get a hold of her.  He says she won't call him back either and says he's about to write us BOTH off and quite calling us.  WTF.  How did I get lumped in with her?  He's always lumping me in with her.  He transfers his feelings about us back and forth like we are two ends of the same sea.  It takes me a minute to regroup.  My dad can be vicious.  He can also be very nice and kind.  He was much more vicious when I was a kid but he's been better for a long time now.  I'm always on alert, though.  I always expect the verbal beat down.

But I'm determined to be strong and stand up for myself.  I catch my breath and tell him that what he said was fucked up.  That lumping me in with his entitled, take everything, spoiled daughter is not cool.  That I, unlike her, have tried to call him back, several times.

 He doesn't say anything.  We move on.  We talk circles around my spoiled sister again.  He says he's tired of going circles around the same conversation (he always thinks he gets determine when a conversation is over).  We talk about my childhood.  He seems surprised when I tell him how life was with my mom and sister.  Genuinely surprised.  I wonder where the hell he was when I was a kid.  How he missed so much.  He apologizes for being such an ass when I was a kid.  He says he was a bad parent.  I believe he is sincere in his regret.  I know he's gained a lot of perspective and he knows he was abusive.   He hit us.  Not a lot, but enough.  Always for "discipline".  Problem was, the punishment never fit with the crime.  He hit us with a belt (that we had to go get) for not doing the dishes, fighting, not cleaning our rooms.  He left welts.  I have struggled for so long with this.  I always excused it.  He was only disciplining us, my child-mind rationalized.  It was  the only way he knew how.  That's what his parents did.    Everyone's parents spanked them.  I'm beginning to think they didn't.  And I don't know why, but his admitting it, made me feel free.  Like I could also speak out and say it was not OK what he did.

The conversation was heavy, but we moved on to my mother's and my sister's relationship.  I fished out a couple of things about narcissism to see how he'd react.  He agrees that my mother is deceitful.  He agrees she enables my sister.  But when I suggested that she likes to keep my sister dependent on her so that she can feel important he was stunned.  Why would a mom sabotage her own daughter? he asked, in disbelief.  I knew that he wouldn't be able to hear any more on the subject.

I tried to make it back to my original point.  See, he's been enabling NSis a lot lately too.  Sending her money, asking for no accountability from her.  Allowing her to continue to behave like a spoiled child.  I wanted him to know that I'm not trying to punish NSis.  I'm not in some petty sibling feud.  I told him that I expect her to treat me with the same dignity and respect and love that I've always treated her.  That the relationship needs to be reciprocal.  That she has obligations to me too.  He agreed.  He said that he didn't feel like it was my role to provide for her or take care of her.  I believed him.

But then he said, "But in the end, you're life is better than her's."  And there it was.  The excuse.  The dismissal.  The proof that, no matter how upset he is about how she acts towards him, he doesn't understand me at all.  That he does feel I owe her something.  Because my life is "better".  DH, when I told him this, said "well, that's awfully subjective.  I know lots of people who'd rather have her life than yours."  Which is true.  She has no responsibility.  She has no accountability.  She parties and sleeps until noon and spends money on herself.  Now, is she happy?  No.  Does she want more?  Yes.  But her life isn't some horrible mess.  And if it is, it's ALL due to choices she's made.  She's made the choice to lead her life the way she has.  And while I love my life, my kids, and my husband, it's no walk in the park all of the time.  My sister would fall apart with 2 years of three-hours-of-sleep a night, the endless routine of taking care of kids, kids puking in your hands, cleaning, cooking, and caring for others,  all to do it all over the next day.  To be responsible and think of someone besides herself would not be her cup of tea.  I love my life.  My sister, would not.  My dad would prefer my life, but not everyone thinks like my dad.    And even, let's assume, that my life is better?  Does that excuse her behavior?  Does that make me responsible for her?  Does that make her not responsible?  Does that make her unaccountable?  No, I don't think it does.

In and Out of the FOG

The F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) is eating me alive.  I am struggling.  Struggling in my desire to protect myself, my family, my life from being swallowed by the chaos of my sister's life.  Struggling to put my new found skills to use.  Knowing in my head what I should do.  But feeling in my heart and stomach and body such an ache.  Such stress, and anxiety, and hurt.

I finally sent my sister a quick email.  I didn't want to call.  I didn't want to play her games, listen to her sob, knowing that it was all a bunch of unloading.  I know that she has either not called, or talked little with, my parents.  She still hasn't communicated with me at all.  Which is crap.  She needs to be an adult.  I'm tired of chasing her around, throwing myself at her, desperate to have her let me help her.  So, I emailed.  I told her I had heard she had health problems (because no one still knows what the actual diagnosis is and she STILL hasn't made a follow up appointment, even with NM on her back).  I told her to let me know if she needed anything.  That I was thinking of her.  I felt good about the message.  I wasn't playing into anything, but felt I was extending myself to her, but wasn't wading into the pool of crap.   She responded with "I am.  I would like a friend."  And that's it.  I don't even know what to do with that.  She still didn't address anything directly.  I'm sure that there is anger and annoyance and b.s. in the reply.  I'm not sure what effect she expected the reply to have on me.

This was my one really "fun" week of the summer.  My family knew that.  I have had to fight them all for it over and over.  I doubt that this is too much of a coincidence that it is dropped on me now.  I don't have the time or the energy or the will to devote anything to this.  This week was supposed to be about my family.  Having fun with my kids.  I feel attacked by this.  And I'm sure my FOO would say I was being selfish.  And how could I just go on with my life when they are struggling so (this is a theme in my relationship with them).  I feel guilt.  Guilt that I'm not calling.  Guilt that I am happy in my life.  Guilt that I let their toxicity seep into my life and that it makes me stressed.  And angry.  And that I am less patient and tolerant and available for my kids.  That is effects the type of mom and wife that I am.  That I feel guilty for even thinking about myself and how this effects me.  That I struggle with what a "healthy" family member's obligation to all this would be, compared with my feelings of trained obligation.  That a lot of me just wants to ignore it and hope it all goes away.  But that in doing that things would be irreparably changed.  That it is taking a big step.  That I'm angry.  That I'm struggling with my feelings at all.  That I often feel just the "fight or flight" feeling.  Like a chicken with my head cut off, panicked, and I'm struggling to remain calm.  Struggling through the constant emails and texts and implications that I'm not doing enough.

I'm just struggling and sinking and trying desperately to stay afloat.

The Narcissistic Triple Crown

As we left the movie theater, I stated that I had really liked the movie.  "You couldn't have liked that movie.  It was very depressing.  It didn't have a positive message."  Well, I explained,  I didn't need a "positive message" to enjoy a movie.  Sometimes, seeing the underside of life brought interesting thoughts for me to ponder.  I enjoyed thinking of things from all angles, I stated.  And besides, the movie (a later Oscar winner), was well written, beautifully filmed, and entertaining.  And so it went, as I tried to explain why I had a right to like the movie, as she argued that I couldn't have liked the movie.  Because she hadn't liked the movie, it simply was a fact that it was a movie unworthy of liking.  Finally, she took the stance that, when I was her age (60), I would see the error of my ways and not like trivial things like this movie and choose to only have positive influences in my life.  I questioned my Dad.  Did he like the movie (as he was also close to 60)?  Well, yes he did.  It changed her mind not at all.  I simply was wrong for disagreeing with her opinion.

This would become a defining theme in my adult relationship with my stepmother (SM).  Her way was the "right way", the only way, and any differentiation of that was wrong.  She had met my Dad when I was in my last year of high school.  I had met her when I was 18.  They lived two states away, and so I saw her, on average, once a year.  She really knew nothing of me, but she knew what was best for me.  My sister got the worst of it, as she lived with them for quite awhile.  It was a chaotic, stressful time for them all.  And instead of helping my dad and sister get along, she inserted herself, tried to control it all, and generally drove them apart.  She refused to allow them a relationship that didn't involve her, and it ultimately separated them as my sister felt betrayed that dad didn't defend her more.

SM has three boys of her own.  She was a single mom for most of her life after an abusive relationship.  She is extremely enmeshed with them, even as they are married.  They call her constantly, seek her advice on everything, and she doesn't allow them to make decisions without her input.  She would budget her grown, married son's money every month;  going through their bills, determining how much they could spend.  She "requested" that everyone spend all holidays together.  All her kids and all their in-laws.  It never went well (as you can imagine.)  She disliked DIL's mother (another overly enmeshed mother) and they fought over turf.  She rarely has a nice thing to say about people and she is very black and white in her judgements.  She also has pushed for everyone to stay around her city.

Regardless, I rarely had too many problems with her.  She would offer her advice when we visited.  Offer up her opinion, but I could easily ignore her, as we saw her so rarely.  She would come to my home and make efforts to "teach" me how to be a grown up (despite me already being one, and functioning just fine the other 51 weeks of the year.)  One Christmas, she bugged me to help.  I finally asked her to complete the gravy, so I could finish up all the other last minute prep.  She proceeding to demand my attention as she "taught" me how to make gravy, as I ran around the kitchen trying to do everything else.  Dad asked me if I had known how to make gravy.  I explained I did.  He said nothing more about it.  She announced that she was going to "make herself at home".  Well, I like people to be comfortable in my home.  But what she meant was, she was going to treat my home as if it really was her home.  Helping herself to anything she wanted, commandeering the washing machine, going into any cupboard she felt necessary, taking apart old family albums to "make copies at home", and ripping apart my carefully organized scrap book of recipes to copy them onto my fancy, expensive stationary (if she'd just asked, I have a ton of normal notebooks to use.)

When I had my son, all hell broke loose.  They arrived a week and a half after my c-section to "help".  But she meant "to teach you how to be a mom".  She preached, she pushed, she scolded.  She and my father argued that because she had raised 3 sons, that I needed her advice.  They didn't ask what I knew, they didn't care if my opinion was different.  Any attempt to do what I thought was best was met with anger at my being stubborn and not doing what was best for the baby.   She insisted that I use a pacifier.  She snapped that the baby was nursing too much, using me as comfort.  I argued that he was a week and a half old,  we were attempting to get off to a good start, it gave me a chance to sit down, I didn't mind nursing, and that really, every two and a half hours was not that much.  I finally hid the pacifiers from her as she kept stuffing them down his throat.  When I came home from a half hour errand run, I found her rummaging through my bedroom looking for the pacifiers.  He was "about" to cry, she wanted to soothe him.   She knew best, after all.

She wanted to do the cooking, again "to teach me".  But I have been cooking since I was 13.  And although I would've loved someone to cook, I was tired of the huge messes she made and left after her cooking sessions.  So, I had food prepared ahead of time and frozen.  I had it all done.  She insisted she could help.  So, one day, I asked for help.  I said we needed to pull the carrots up from the garden, clean them, and chop the vegetables.  Well, she needed to have her iced tea first.  She sat on her ass as I, fresh incision in my abdomen, bent over the garden, pulled up the vegetables, washed them off with a hose, cleaned them further inside and finally chopped them all up.  Only as I finished up, did she also finish her tea and come inside.  God forbid she had to do things my way on my terms.

She left my house complaining to everyone who would listen how much of a spoiled brat I was.  I wouldn't listen to reason.  How I was harming my kid.  How I didn't respect that he wasn't "my baby" but the "family's baby".  She didn't care that I had gotten different advice from my pediatrician.  She didn't care that my mom and MIL had different advice.  I was the bitch for not listening to her (and her decades old advice.)

Things continued to get worse.  She declared herself a cutesy grandmother name that I hated.  She had asked me about it and I had told her that we were calling all the grandmother's the same thing (to avoid jealousy and such).  She didn't care.  Her DIL had picked this name and she expected me to use this childish name that I hate.  She nitpicks.  She finds fault.  She helps herself to my home in ways that push boundaries. When they visited two days after we moved into a new home, despite seeing the unpacked boxes in my garage, she constantly commented on the things I needed to provide a better guest experience.  All of the things I had but were unpacked.  I felt she was lucky to have a bed.  She always has critical judgments, always has a damn opinion.  ON EVERYTHING.  From what we serve, to what I eat (she claims I'm unhealthy, despite my weight being normal and hers being very much overweight), to how meals are prepared, to how we raise my son, the sleep he gets, the way I do laundry.  Everything is up for discussion, and my refusal to follow her opinions is MY personal flaw.  She has convinced my dad, somehow, that my kids are not as developed as her grandkids and he eats up her advice like it's law (which totally confuses me since he's not that type of person to just go with one person's thoughts).   She's slow and lumbering and makes people wait on her.  She can never be ready on time.  She requires 500 trips to the store to get things when she's here.  She and Dad call me anal and over organized.  They resent that I ask them to accommodate my kids.   Two of the last three times they've come here, they've arrived at 11:00 at night, despite the fact that I had a VERY newborn baby and was very short on sleep (and my husband had to work the next day).  And it's because they decide to go out to breakfast with relatives, or couldn't leave before 1 pm.  They have had little consideration or empathy for the fact that the last three visits have been at the three of the most stressful, difficult times for my family.  They make assumptions and judgments based on what they see during those visits, never taking into consideration that those were atypical times in our life, and often, things are different when you have house guests.  I always feel like I'm under inspection.

So, Dad called the other night and announced they wanted to visit...soon.  They couldn't arrange things before now, and want to come at one of the busiest times in our summer.  I would love for just Dad to come, as he actually, is pretty easy going, but that won't happen.  And he doesn't realize how stressed she makes me.  I really want the boys to see the grandfather.  And if it doesn't happen now, it won't happen for another year.  I would like to see my Dad.  I actually enjoy him.  I just wish he'd leave her behind.

Email Games with NM

So, not fully on purpose, I've been really distancing myself from my NM on the phone.  Luckily, I've had a lot of "excuses" to keep me from fully sending up her radar.  But I know it's wearing thin.  I can only imagine what is going on in her little head, and I'm trying my damnedest to not think about it.  I've only really talked to her four or five times since February, which has been such a nice, centering break.  Her calls always break me down, always go on forever, are depressing, and impossible to get off of.  She always has one more thing to say.......and on and on and on.
Anyway, I've been sending token email messages to maintain my front.  Not because I'm trying to be deceptive.  Mainly because I just don't have the energy or the strength to deal with her anger.  So, I've been throwing out little lifelines in order to protect myself (and my cover).
Yesterday, I sent her an email starting with some general pleasantries, explained that me and the kids, and now husband, have had ANOTHER horrendous cold (which is true), I've been behind on the housework/chores and so between resting and taking care of everyone I've been trying to catch up on stuff.  Finished it up with a few remarks about her upcoming trip to see my sister (as she has been laying that out there.).  Short and (sort of) sweet.
Last night, I received three separate messages (full of her damned '...'s -ellipses I now know- over 75 when I quit counting).  The majority of the messages described how sick everyone she knows is.  So and so called 911, so and so called in sick, I can't walk to my car without struggling to breathe.  One tiny sentence about me and my family being sick.  Then, a lot of details about her upcoming trip.  Many of the details she's related to me several times already.  A bit about NSister being glad Estep-dad is coming.  Well, of course she is.  EStep-dad diminishes her effect.  ESD requires a hotel.  ESD can take the brunt of her crap and anger.  I bet she was glad.
Today, I got a new email telling me she had time off next week and wanted to come down to "help me out".  WTF is that?  So, the only way to read my email is that I'm helpless and pathetic and she'll come down and help poor Jessie out?  Yeah, it's been a sucky couple of months, but I'm perfectly capable of helping myself. And note, she didn't ask HOW she could help me or if I needed anything, just offered to come and RESCUE ME.  Again, with extending "niceties" to look like the good mom, the good parent, and all the while, slinging insults at me under the table.  Plus, she uses it as an opportunity to strong arm me into seeing me.  I don't want to see her right now.  I actually have plans to head in her direction later the summer (to see my grandparents mainly) but like hell I would tell her that ahead of time.  So, she thinks this'll be the perfect opportunity to see us.  Maintain her little "six week" schedule.
The nice part of emails is that I can take a moment to collect myself.  At first, when I read the email, my stomach dropped.  I felt like a trapped animal, like I always do when NMIL or NM announce they are coming.  My fight-or-flight mechanism kicks in and I'm looking for a way out.  All adrenaline and panic. The guilt ran rampant and I felt an overwhelming need to answer immediately.  Offer up a negotiation.  But I didn't.  I went back to the email later and said "sorry it won't work out.  We won't be here."  Enough said.  Phew.  I don't feel strong, or confident, or really even good about the situation.  But I don't feel like a cornered animal.

NMIL Evens Things Out

I feel like I've written more lately about my NMIL than my NM, who is actually much more forthright in her narcissism.  I guess, the reality is, that it's much easier to see it coming with NM.  She doesn't hide it all very well, and she lacks a any subtlety  in the way she goes about it.  The result is that she is a very isolated, lonely person with no friends and little family support.  She is prickly and offensive and if she doesn't have far to stray to isolate herself from everyone.  It was easy to pin her as a NM, easy to see that she contributed immensely to our problems, easier for me not to completely blame myself.  NMIL is much more crafty.  She hides behind her "Christianity" and her kindness and her generosity and her selflessness.  She is tolerated by lots of people.  Often she is more than tolerated.  Many people say they enjoy her (even if she is controlling, loud, overbearing in their words).  Her sons adore her.  I couldn't not pin myself on why I couldn't get along with her.  I thought I just had a very conflicting personality with her.  I thought I was crazy.  Regardless, finally coming to grips with the fact that she has many narcissistic traits and, in my mind, is a full-blown narcissist has freed me.  But I've processed my thoughts on her for a much shorter time as I've only recently come to my conclusions on her.

Anyway, NMIL likes to even things out.  This is a trait she gets from her parents.  She believes all of her children should be equal.  Meaning they should have the same material possessions, experiences, and opportunities regardless of what the child actually contributes.  My husband and I work hard, budget a lot, sacrifice and save, plan, and make good decisions.  For this, we are punished.  We are expected to contribute more than our share to family functions.  We are expected to give more.  We are expected to be more supportive, thoughtful, generous to our siblings as we have been "given" more.  Now, I have NO problem being generous and helping out.  However, I hate being FORCED to be generous to people who make no sacrifices, spend willynilly, save nothing, spend on new cars and expensive things (on credit) and generally do everything they can to NOT further there own position.  My husband's siblings are reckless with money, impulsive, make poor choices and NMIL expects us to help bail them out.

A simple example of this happened after one of my husband's brothers got married.  That evening, me, husband, NMIL, EFIL, two brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt and uncle-in-law, and husbands two cousins went to have a bite and a beer.  It was late.  Husband and I were actually going alone and everyone else invited themselves along.  We were not in an area suitable for children.  So, when we walked into the establishment we were told that the two cousins, who were under age, had to leave.  Again, husband and I were already going to this place, everyone else tagged alone (it had been a LONG weekend and we needed to unwind).  There were no other places besides bars to go.  But NMIL became upset.  Aunt and Uncle were upset.  Everyone complained.  I'm not sure what we were supposed to do, but I got the feeling that we were all supposed to leave.  At the time I didn't have children, but having them now, I know that if this had been the case with me, I would've left.  I wouldn't have expected everyone else to not have a beer at 9:30 at night because of my kids.  Anyway, the kids left but not their parents.  Husband split a sandwich with SIL. He also had one beer.  I had one glass of wine out of a bottle that my other BIL drinks the rest of.  Everyone else orders food and pitchers of beer.  Then the check arrives.  NMIL instantly exclaims that the aunt and uncle should not have to pay.  They were inconvenienced and their pitcher should be bought for them.  She then orders BIL (who drank a bottle of wine and food) to put his money away because he doesn't have any. Husband and I throw down more than enough (by a lot) to cover our half a sandwich, beer, and glass of wine) and a $20 tip (we worked in the service industry and never like to screw a waitress when there is a big party).  BIL and SIL barely cover there bill, no tip.  NMIL and EF barely cover their bill and leave a meager tip.  She forks over no money for the three people she claims shouldn't have to pay.  Of course, we come up short and there is no money for a tip.  NMIL and EF start complaining that they have paid more than enough all weekend and refuse to pay more.  Well, yes, they have paid for hotel rooms, food, the wedding, and a bunch of other stuff.  But not for hubby and I.  We paid our own gas, food, hotel, and all other expenditures.  Husband's brothers have mooched food, free hotels, clothing for the wedding and wine tour fees.  The BIL who got married expected his parents to pay for everything and maintained no budget.  I see why they were annoyed (and in fact, husband and I discussed that BIL was milking money for the wedding before the wedding with his parents).  What I don't see is why that was MY problem.  I don't see why NMILs eyes are boring holes into me and husband.  I don't understand why she expected us (and to be fair, BIL and SIL) to pick up the whole tab.   And she knows BIL and SIL won't pick up more than their share.  As a disclaimer, I have no problem with the money, it had nothing to do with the money.  I have no problem picking up a tab.  I just hate being forced to.  I hate paying a penalty because NMIL feels bad that we chose a place (the only place) that was inconvenient for aunt and uncle.  I don't see why we need to cover little BIL because he "has no money".  I didn't like that EF was complaining about all the money he spent, so NMIL felt guilty and was taking it out on us.  None of this is my problem.  And this wasn't the first (or last) time this has happened.  I just was so tired of being forced to cover for people who wouldn't do the same for me.  Tired of having my hard earned (and hard saved) dollars go to cover reckless people.  Husband and I stood our ground as we'd already payed more than our fair share over the weekend.  We had payed completely for ourselves (plus a lot of extras) but were being treated like moochers.  I was so angry.  Finally, EF states that he just won't tip the waitress since she wouldn't serve the kids.  "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"  I wanted to scream.  So, husband and I threw down $60 more, as I won't screw the poor waitress.  In the end, we pay $100 for a glass of wine, beer, and half a sandwich.   Oh, and all NMIL's guilt and feelings of fairness.

Update on Mother-in-Law

So, I've done a ton of research in the past two months on Narcissism.  In a prior post, I wrote about my MIL, her horrible behavior towards me and how I was confused how it could seem so narcissistic, but not be.  Well, I've changed my mind, she is a narcissist too.  All that "generosity and caring" that I thought I saw, I know attribute to her attempts to control and retain attention from her kids.  Part of me felt "how can I have all these narcissists in my life?"  That didn't seem right.  But I've now learned how I've been primed to attract them.  How once you've been "trained" by a narcissist, others can smell it on you like a blood trail to a kill.
I came across an article about the 25 character traits of a narc.  As I read, I was floored.  My MIL ticked off so many boxes.  Almost as much as my mom.  I spent days writing out examples of how she fit the criteria.  And finally, with shaky hands I presented it to my husband.  I was so anxious, and I just knew he wouldn't believe me.  He'd think I was over analyzing.  Funny thing, though, he DID believe me.  He said he saw so much of it.  And while he didn't think she is as extreme or hurtful as my mother, he did acknowledge that she has caused a lot of problems with her behavior.  I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  I finally didn't feel so alone.  I felt believed.  It was a new dawn for me.

I've written a lengthy blog about my MIL, her behaviors,  and I don't want to rehash old material.  But I need to rewrite about her through my new perspective.  With my new understanding, I need to see it in writing all the ways she has manipulated and tried to control us.

She is no boundaries.  None.  She does not know how to let her sons be grown adults.  She rushes in at the slightest invitation into her children's lives.  She listens as her son complains about my SIL.  She knows all about their marriage.  She sees nothing wrong with him confiding in her over my SIL.  In fact, she has expressed that confiding in her makes her sons "good sons" in her eyes.  She does not view us as individuals, but parts of a conglomerate of people.  One blob with ten heads.  She expects us all to do things the way they've always done things.  There is this unwritten set of ways-of-being in the world, that we are all supposed to be.  We are supposed to share the same opinions of things.  We are all supposed to have the same interests.   Everything is communal.  Nothing is separate and individual.  What one has, belongs to everyone.  Sounds like one big, close family, but in fact the "family" swallows everyone whole.  No one is allowed to have a relationship that is seperate.  She must be aware of, and in the middle of all relationships.  She does not encourage the brothers to spend time with each other with out her.  In fact, although she likes her "alone" time with everyone, she always manages to show up when we are doing something with a sibling.  Or, when she's been excluded, she pouts and says hurtful things (One night, when my BIL and SIL stayed up late at a hotel we all were at, drinking without her, she snapped "sounds like you guys were swingers!"  WTF?  What a crazy, sick, weird thing to say.  But it was clear she felt left out.)  She can not allow anyone time without her.  Once, when she was supposed to be showering, and my son was going for a walk with his grandpa, she threw on clothes and ran out to join them.  She eavesdrops, she gossips, she shares EXTREMELY private information about others (like in which manner my sister-in-laws pubic hair was shaved during childbirth....just ew).  I can not tell her anything, and in fact hubby and I've taken to keeping things from her because she shares information with others to get attention for herself.  To make her seem like the close, connected mother, or just to make herself look better.  She will physically put herself between me and someone I'm talking to to invade a conversation.  She butts into conversations that she is not a part of.   She feels it is her job to portion out food to the grandkids.  If she feels one needs more of something, she'll remove it from another child's plate.  Regardless, if the kid even asked for it.  And she never asks.  She calls in "sharing" but I think it is taking when you grab from someone without asking.  She does weird things to feel connected, like using my son's napkin to wipe her own greasy fingers, even though there were plenty of other napkins.  There is not a plate on the table that she doesn't feel the need to sample.  It kills her if you do not offer her a bite of something and she stares or hints until you give her some of whatever you have.  She walks in on people when they should expect privacy.  She has no problem walking around in her underwear and encourages other family members to do this to.  She even bought me a little nighty to wear at her house, because I always wore sweats when I got up in the morning (she thought I slept like this, but I feel you should cover up somewhat.)
She turns everything back to herself.  Most compliments are framed in away to refer to herself or her family. When I first met her she would turn every topic back.  "OH, you are a dancer?  Well, (hubby) won a dance contest once."  ONCE.  And then I had to hear about the one time he danced over and over.  I've heard every family story repeatedly.  And despite 15 years with hubby, she still tells me stories about her family like I'm an outsider. She knows little about me, and in fact rarely asks.  She often forgets my step parents names.  She knows nothing about what I did in highschool or as a child.  She spent little time getting to know me at all and in fact, seemed to go about discriminating me into her world.  It never even occurred to her that I would do things differently, or view things differently.  I almost felt like I was expected to morph into a clone of what she defined her family as.  I was never given any respect for my individuality and personal preferences.  She pushed me to be like her, create a family like her, be Christian like her.  She rammed religion down my throat.  I do not like organized religion.  I didn't want to be pushed to be a part of her church things.  But she guilted and pushed...even pushing for my baptism.  I went along with it all, trying so hard to fit in and belong to a family again.  She had the assumption that her family would all do things just like she had, and why would they ever do things differently?
As my relationship with my husband evolved, she became very jealous of me and competitive.  She works to take me down a peg.  "Oh, well you make good lasagna.  But I make good spaghetti."  "Oh, well, I would do Christmas cards like you, but I just don't have time."  She can't just say, thanks for the card.  She takes everything I do as an indictment on her behavior.  She always feels she needs to justify herself, in relation to what I am.  If some one tells me I do something well, she either tries to do it too, or finds a way to minimize it.  She has humiliated me in public over my small chest (which I am fine with, but I don't like being made fun of in public).  She has made negative comments about my newborn son, saying he had an "unfortunate nose" and "his mom's broad forehead".  Then she says "none of MY boys have that nose".   How she can insult her tiny grandbaby was beyond me.  She makes big deals about telling me when my husband has told her something before me.  "Well, I knew all about that.  He told ME everything.  I knew what he was doing for you."  It always seemed so weird to me that she felt the need to compete to be more important.  She covets what I have and do.  She is always copying what I do, from clothes, to jewelry, to my interests.  If husband and I do something or get something, she has to get the same for herself.
She has this impression that she has a "perfect" family.  She is obsessed with the latest "best" thing in life.  She will do anything or like anything, if ANYONE says it is the best.  She has little personal identity and is always taking on the "mask" of whatever she thinks people will like the most at the time.  She also likes to project onto her kids what they should like.  She doesn't ask anyone what they think, but tells them.  "OH, you'll LOVE this blah, blah, blah."  She labels her family and assigns roles.  She micromanages and controls everything.  She has an insatiable need to be needed and be important to "her boys".  She acts like her sons are perfect and defends them against anything.  They are always right and everyone else is wrong.  She has assigned scapegoat status to the one son who had the misfortune of some learning disabilities and other social disorders.  They family has made a habit of holding him up as a sort of shield, or sacrifice, as if to say "see, he's weird.  We're not weird.  If it weren't for him, we'd be perfect."  They've held this child as the dumping ground for all the blame for any perceived criticisms of the family.  She can't take any critisism, about herself or her perfect sons, so this family member is the distraction.
Not only does she not take critisism, and in fact, becomes angry and arguementative but she really doesn't consider any one's opinion at all.  She makes the assumption that her family all has the same opinion and when she is confronted with my difference of opinion, she again gets huffy.  She treats my knowledge in my chosen profession as ridiculous...until she wanted me to 'fix' scapegoat son.  The only opinions she takes is if she feels it would lead her to having the 'best' of something.  And these opinions are only from random strangers.  She has the most shallow of relationships with most people I know.  She is phony, loud, and boisterous.  She will laugh the loudest at a joke, even though she rarely understands what the joke is.  She uses laughter to deflect from her nasty comments to and about people.  She always has to appear to be in on something.  She does not get social clues and often laughs at inappropriate things (like when  I told her I rushed my son to the E.R.).  The family's behavior in public leaves something to be desired (loud, rowdy, scene causing in restaurants) but she acts as if they are entitled to behave that way.  But with other's she will be very critical.
She does not know how to create a real relationship and often forces the issue.  She wanted she and I to be best friends and do everything together, but took no time to actually create a relationship.  She talks at me and my sons.  "Grammy thinks your...GRAMMY thinks"  "I bet you think, Jessie...."  "Jessie, you should do this as a profession...I think you'd do well".  She never asks how we feel, or think, or if we like things.  It's her projection onto us.  She can not read the social cues of my kids and often pushes them when they are feeling shy or upset.  She once mistook my son's crying as "happy noises".  Not sure how she did that.   Maybe it was just deflection from the guilt she felt for not noticing.  She uses my kids to suck emotional and physical attention.  She is always kissing, hugging, and holding them, even when they do not want this attention.  She exclaims how kids are good for cuddling with.  She gets her narc supply from cuddling all over them, and it's so one sided.  I don't know how to explain how I know this, but you can almost see it.  My older son rarely can remember her name, despite seeing her often and knowing all of his other grandparents' names, and I know it's because she doesn't forge any relationship with him.  She shows no interest in him as a person, but what he can provide for her.  She once pushed him into taking a picture because she wanted to show it off to her friends.  Not because she wanted a reminder of her precious grandson.  So she could show off.  She doesn't really play with him (more hovers over him), and when she does she's showing my son HOW to play, not playing with him.  She talks about him as if he isn't there (and he knows this and it makes him uncomfortable.)  She always is "measuring" up the grandkids to see who is doing what, and if my son isn't at the stage she thinks he should be she gets weirdly quiet about it.
Her relationship with my husband has always been weird (on her end).  She used to make him the golden child.  He was a star athlete, and I always felt she sucked up more than her fair share of attention for his accomplishments (although I couldn't put my finger on this at the time.)  She didn't see it as his success, but the families success.  She used to use him to get his brothers to do what she wanted.  She would tell him to tell the brothers things, so she would be distanced from it and remove herself from the 'blame' should any arise.  She would put him in charge of decisions that he shouldn't have and then when resentment and anger arose, she'd point it at hubby.  "Well, HE picked the restaurant."  He just thought he was being a good son.  He didn't see the position she was manipulating him into.  She wanted this super close relationship with him.  She invited herself on our vacations, included herself in things she shouldn't have, and took over activities that we used to do as a couple.  She just couldn't understand why we WOULDN'T want family involved in these things.  She often treated him as a co-parent.  When we started to separate, she started to get desperate.  She started pushing us to get married (in December, like she did, despite my extreme dislike of the idea).  She pushed relentlessly for grandkids, and felt she should dictate who had kids first.  She started to become 'helpless' in situations.  She need my husband to help her with things that were completely in her ability.  She was retired, has tons of time, and is supposedly very intelligent, but she needed husband to rescue her and help her.  She would bait him with insane comments to get his attention.  She seemed so childish and immature.  And when she isn't acting like a baby, she (and FIL) feel the need to treat us like children, unable to make our own decisions.  In fact, all of my BILs are still very child-like and depend on the in-laws to approve and help with all their decisions.  They do not act like adults.  And I've always felt like, in MILs eye, the perfect model is:  she is the center hub of a wheel, and we are all spokes off of her.  She turns us all and we orbit around her.  She connects everyone to everyone else.  I used to use this model even before I knew what narcissism is, and now, it only confirms what I think I already knew.
Sorry this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest.  Thanks to anyone who has made it to the end of my rant!

Oh, and one other small thing.  She is the worst gift giver.  My gifts are always a rote gift (she picks one thing out and gives me the same thing every year, just a different version.  Like cookbooks, or christmas ornaments).  One year she gave me a wine glass (one of two) that she got at a wine tasting (so it was cheap and inexpensive) from a winery she "knew" I liked.  I didn't like the winery.  She told me she thought I would like the winery, and somehow got the two confused in her head.  I've also received mouthwash, a toothbrush, and a crow bar.

Narcissistic Mom's mom

It was no secret growing up that everyone thought my grandmother (mom of narcissistic mother) was "weird".  She was reclusive and anxiety ridden and rarely left her home.  She was a hypochondriac that suffered from innumerable maladies.  She never baked me cookies, or babysat (really), attended events or dance recitals or birthday parties, or did any of the grandmotherly things.

Both sets of my grandparents lived in the same town.  Every so often, my parents would troop us down to visit.  We would spend most of the day at one grandparents' and then make our obligatory visit to the other's house for about an hour.  I remember my parents always viewing this visit as a chore.  Grandma was self absorbed, rarely asking about us and interacting with us kids.  She remarked on us and studied us, but she never played with us or talked to us.  She was always spying on the neighbors.  She moved slowly and softly as if in pain, but rarely was.  Although, I never really thought much of  our relationship, it never really occured to me how abnormal it was.  She was a normal grandmother to me.  I remember only two or three occasions that we had a real conversation.  I remember her rescuing me when my father announced that I'd gotten my period.  I have three or four letters that she wrote me in college.  True, they are full of complaints and negative news, but at least she wrote I thought at the time.  And it was more than I could say for my mom.  (My mom was so self absorbed in herself and her plights that she gave little thought to my struggles in college.  She visited all her problems, stresses, and worries on me at one of the most stressful times of my life.)   I was so sure grandma suffered from a sever anxiety disorder.  I was sure that she had a social phobia.  And maybe she did.  But it must've been much, much more than that.

Although I know a lot about my mother's parents,  I realize now that there are lots of holes.  Lots of things that are so crazy to me now have never been explained.  My grandfather is a gruff, emotional alcoholic.  He is tough and unfair and self-centered.  He and my grandmother slept in separate beds.  They eloped when she was still in high school.  There is a back story to this, but my mother won't tell me what it is.  They were poor.  My grandfather drank a lot and my mother tells many stories about nights left in the car while grandpa drank inside.  Or nights they had to go haul him out of the bar.   Grandma was a basket case.  She relied and expected my mom to do a lot of the house work and care for her siblings.  She rarely drove or left the house.  My mom worked to bring in extra money.  My grandmother was a bit neglectful and could be mean (she liked to do things to hurt my mom's feelings on purpose.)  Mom got married one month after highschool graduation and got the heck out of dodge.   My mom did not enjoy her company as an adult either, although they talked on the phone and visited.  My grandmother always disliked gifts my mom gave.  My mom always complained she could never find the right Mother's Day card for her.  I didn't understand this for so many years, but now, as I stand staring at cards that thank moms for being their kid's everything, I can't find a card either.  She was not a horrible person as far as I saw, just very unpleasant and unenjoyable to be around.

My cousins couldn't stand to be around her either.  I use to drag them over for a visit when they were in town. At her funeral and in blog posts thereafter, my cousin complained about what a cold, disconnected grandma she was.  How she had longed for a connection.  How she wished grandma could've been a part of their lives.  They were so angry.  She stood over grandma's coffin and asked me if I had ever felt I knew grandma.  I felt this was a bit inappropriate but replied I did.  And in fact, I had spent lots of nights looking through grandma's old pictures.  I knew a lot about her life in those pictures.  I knew how she felt about things.  She had sent me letters.  We had a love of dahlias in common.  At the time, I thought my cousin was overreacting a bit.  I didn't expect anything from my grandma, so I wasn't disappointed with getting nothing back.  My cousin however, had had a very involved grandma.  She knew there was a difference.  She had wanted more.  I understand my cousin a bit more as I write this post.  It had never occurred to me to expect a reciprocal relationship with grandma when she was alive.

I always knew that grandma was not a good mom.  I never fully understood it until now what exactly she did...and how my mother does the same things.  Mom is afraid of cats stemming from an incident when she was a kid and got scared by a cat.  She used to tell me that grandma used to sneak up and throw cats at her to scare her.  She thought this was just awful.  Yet, mom used to walk behind me and poke me with a stick on my feet to make me feel like it was a snake.  This was funny to her.  Mom told me the story of how when my grandmother first saw me as a baby, she told mom I had fat legs.  This hurt my mom's feelings.  (I wonder why my mom never thought about this hurting my feelings; to hear that my own grandmother had found fault with me as a baby.)  But guess what my mom said about my newborn son?  He had those same fat, little legs.  Mom has turned into a hypochondriac.   Mom has managed to make everything about her.   Mom has turned into the same recluse who does nothing but spy on the neighbors.   She loves to tell me know that I remind her of her mom.  She says it like she's saying a compliment, but we both know it's meant as an insult.

When Grandma died, mom was very cold and detached.  She ridiculed her siblings for their grief.  She made statements implying that she knew, and was the only one who knew, how sick grandma was and that she was dying.  Which might sort of  be true.  But why would you be proud of that?  She sneered that she had been the only one there in the last months that she had been sick and implied that now everyone had no right to be so upset because they should've been there all along.  She was so bitter and angry about how people were expressing their feelings, in fact, that they had emotions at all.   My poor aunt sobbed to me saying how she felt that she had let my mom down by not being stronger at the funeral.  When I told mom, she was cold, icy, and uncaring and snapped that my aunt should feel bad.   It was all so sad.  A family so broken apart that immediately after the funeral, everyone went their own way.  No family get together.  No telling of stories around the table.  Nothing.

Now, mom uses grandma's death to gain attention which makes me sick.  On every anniversary of grandma's death and birthday, mom expects us to rally around and giver her support.  She expects phone calls and sympathy and pampering.  She cries about how hard it is for her.  She uses it to force visits with me and my kids claiming she needs "to be around family at this time because it's so hard for me."  It has never occurred to her that I might have some sadness over my grandmother's death too.  She makes a special dish to "honor" her mother at meals.  She never honored her in life.  I'm really unsure why she honors her in death.  Actually, I'm not unsure.  It's so she can milk every little bit of the sadness for herself.  And all of these dramatics over a woman she could hardly stand.  Oh, and she also uses grandma's death to remind me about being nice to my own mother.   You'll miss me when I'm gone, she claims.  She posts stupid quotes on facebook talking about how much you miss your mother when she's gone.  How everything pales when your faced with life without her.  About what she wouldn't give for one more day with her.  

Birthday Drama

The subtitles of my mothers manipulations are finally coming to light for me and I'm finally allowing my self to not feel guilty for not playing into her games.  It's amazing to me how subversive it is.  How for so long, I knew something wasn't right but could never put my finger on it.
Since Easter, I've used my family being continually sick to help buffer me from my mother.  It's made it easy to excuse why I don't call, or haven't been available to chat.  But with my son's birthday coming up, I knew that I'd better ease back into things.  I knew that she was seething and resentful.  But all that was left behind when i called.  Since then, things are back to "normal".  I've been baraged by texts, phone calls, and emails.  In any given day, I have received one to ten communications.  Usually they are ridiculous things, used as bait to demand attention from her.
One of her favorite manipulation games centers around gifts.  She loves to give gifts.  Extravagant, expensive gifts.   Gifts that no one ever appreciates enough, or thanks her for enough, or loves her enough for.  Short of falling down and kissing her feet, our reaction to these gifts is never sufficient...and even then I doubt that'd be enough.  Anyway, TWO months ago, she emailed that she wanted ideas for my son's birthday.  She wanted to "get it out of the way".  She badgered me for ideas.  She wants a large list of ideas that she can then choose from.  She doesn't consider that I also have to provide ideas for other family members.  She doesn't consider that I don't have time to sit around coming up with magical lists that include items of all price ranges and styles.  At Christmas, I provided such a list.  When she saw my son, she whipped out a toy catalogue, had him pick from that and then bought him the crap he selected despite the fact that he already had the same toy at home.  So much for all my hard work making the damn list.  So, I told her that I would give her a few ideas, but there were only a few things that my son really needed (as we have a million toys already) and I didn't want to provide an endless list because, really, these few items would be the best.  I also suggested that she let me know as soon as possible what she'd selected so that I could pass the list on to the others.  This upset her.  I'm only supposed to provide ideas to HER.  (And as a side note, I provide all these ideas and then she acts like she's the best grandmother ever for providing such a PERFECT gift.  My MIL does this too.  I don't mind not getting credit, but the endless gloating about how wonderful they are really gets under my skin.  If it's the thought that counts, and they contribute no thought, then does it count?)  She emailed me and texted me and pondered over the list for two months.  She sent emails saying "next week, I'll select a gift, so you can pass it on".  Next week came and went.  She just loved having the control, holding it over me.  How do I know she wasn't just busy, just forgot?  Because she never is busy.  And this happens EVERY, SING:LE time there is a gift giving occasion.    So, she selected one gift.  I told her that was great.  Nope, not good enough.  She wanted to select another gift.  That took another month.  Then there is the barage of texts asking if it has been delivered.  I'm just worried it got lost, she'll text.  I see it was delivered, but you didn't let me know, she'll email.  Did it really get there? And even when I do email her that things arrive, she claims to not have seen those emails.   AAAHHHH!  Finally, I thought we were finished with the whole ordeal.  But now she wants MORE ideas.  For little gifts, special gifts she can get him.  Well, if it's supposed to be special, shouldn't she come up with the idea?  I tell her she has spent too much as it is (and for all her annoyance that I don't appreciate the gifts enough, it annoys her more that I reject her desire to spend too much.   This denies her the chance to be the hero/martyr and how dare I rob her of this opportunity).  Regardless, I have no more ideas for her.  I've given them all.  She emails me a suggestion that is more appropriate for my other son.  I suggest not to get this gift and that she's gotten plenty already.  So, last night, I get a voice mail.  "Hi, I was just calling to see if you had other ideas for (son's) birthday.  I just wanted to get him something he'd like, or something you didn't already have.  But I guess I'll just pick something up...I guess I'll just hope whatever I get works out...."  Can you feel the guilt dripping from her message?  All of this over a young child's birthday gift.  Nothing is given without a price.

Insanity

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”


I don't know why I continue to expect more out of my mother.  I don't know why I expect that things will be different.  I don't know why it bothers me when the same thing happens over and over.


My in-laws are coming to visit AGAIN.  They have been here every other weekend, if not every weekend, for the past year.  Things would be different if we had a different relationship.  But I find them overbearing, disrespectful, demanding, and intrusive.  It hangs a black cloud over the weekend, as I wait for the "in-law bomb" to drop.  


Anyway, I was stewing over this and sent an email to my mother.  I knew better.  I knew I was not going to get the response I wanted.  I asked her about her weekend with her extended family.  She replied, in great detail, all the gossip.  Then, there was a small bit about my sister.  I replied with my two cents, told her about my in-laws, and told her I have a bad cold.  


Her response was text book.  I could have written it myself.  She responded to my two cents by arguing that I was now wrong (although I was agreeing with HER).  She made me out to be judgemental, taking the side of the person she was originally slandering, and acting as if she was now their supporter.  How sorry she felt for them.  How hard it was for them.  She told me she was sorry I was sick, but then included a paragraph about the progress of her latest ailments.  And then, she went on to complain about the extended family again. In a four paragraph email, she made one comment about my in-laws.  She said she understood.  She also said that "hell, I'd like to visit you more too.  But I know you need your family time."  Now, on the surface this appears to be a understanding mother.  It's not.  This is a jab.  A sucker punch.  She tells me she understands, and then when I'm open, she shoots me with how I'm not doing enough for her.  I want to scream at her, "maybe if you didn't do crap like this, you would be welcome more often.  Maybe if you didn't always have to make me feel badly, I would ask you down more.  Maybe if you were helpful, or kind, or supportive, or nice, I would want to come visit YOU!!  But as it is, I have to drag myself to visit you because it is so exhausting."  


Why do I do this to myself?  Why is there such hope that things will be different?   Maybe I really am insane.  I'm trying to do things differently, but old habits die hard I guess.  And somewhere, I still haven't let go of the hope that somewhere in my mom is the person I wish she could be.  

The Anxiety of Leaving my Children

People have been pushing me to leave my children with a babysitter almost since they were born.  In fact, before I was even pregnant my MIL (mother-in-law) used to say "I will watch the baby..." all the time.  Before I had kids, I never thought I'd have too much trouble with leaving my kids.  But I've found it far harder than I though, and for a variety of reasons.

As a disclaimer, I have left my kids.  I've left my son with my mother for a couple hours at a time on a few occasions (mainly when I had my second son).  I take Caleb to preschool two days a week.  I've left him with my SIL.  I just don't leave him often.  He is 3.  My baby, I've only left with my mom once for an hour.  Their dad stays with them a lot so I do get some time to myself.

But, you'd think I never left my kids.  Our friends constantly suggest we get a babysitter.  Mainly it is the friends without kids.  They don't understand that it's not that easy to just plop your kids (one of which is breastfeeding) and go out for the night.  Babysitters are expensive and the grandparents are an iffy option.  Our other friends have grandparents who are pretty much nannies.  They also don't get my concerns.  I feel so judged and pushed.

My mother, the narcissist, has watched my kids on occasion.  Never at night, but for a few hours here or there.  I can not trust her much longer.  She is really good for a few hours.  But then it starts to get on her nerves.  The novelty wears off and the kids get annoying.  She gets short with them.  She snaps.  She can be mean.  She orders them around pushing for control of them.   Even when she is here for an extended period of a few days, my older son gets testy and agitated until she leaves.  She makes everyone tense and on edge.   And then there is the price I pay after the fact.  When she takes the baby, she makes a big production of telling me that the baby didn't "need me".  She'll say to my son "See, you don't need your mom.  You did just fine without her.  You don't need her.  Tell her you don't need her."  And for those of you who have a narcissistic mother, I'm sure you can see what she is doing.  Divide and conquer.  Make herself look like she is just as good, if not better, than I am at taking care of my son.   It's good to know my son didn't have an awful time away from me.   But I don't think I need to be pushed away like that.  Then, there is always the martyr part of the babysitting.  As much as she pushes and pushes to babysit, after the fact, she'll complain how tired or exhausted she is.  Or how much we owe her (in appreciation) for babysitting.  Even when she is just here helping me with my kids (and I still do 90% of the work) she'll complain to my stepdad how exhausted she is.  (Which is funny, because if I say that taking care of the kids is a lot of work, she'll dismiss my feelings, telling me "well, you just do it.  When I had kids, I just got used to it.  It's not that much work if you do it everyday.  You should be used to it.").  She pushed my husband to leave one day and get out to do a hobby he loves.  She exclaimed how much she loves spending time with me and my kids.  Well, when he came back she snipped over and over about how, while HE was out having FUN, she took care of HIS kids all day.  Never mind, that I was there all day too.  You'd have thought she'd done it all by herself and he made her watch them.  Her babysitting is never free.  There is always a penalty.

My MIL is not much better.    She doesn't have the closest relationships with my sons.  She doesn't take a lot of time to get on the floor and play.  She doesn't ask them questions and really listen to them.  She spends a lot of time telling them how she feels about this or that.  It's hard to explain.  But her only conversations with them seem to be monologues about how she thinks or feels about them.  It sounds silly, I know, for me to say I get annoyed by her endless declarations of love.  But it's more than that.  It's just that every comment is related to her.  How she feels, what she thinks, what she likes.  It's never just "that's a nice shirt."  It's "GRANDMA likes your shirt."  "GRANDMA thinks your cute."    She just talks AT my kids, not to my kids.  And when she's not doing that, she's wrangling them on her lap, kissing them over and over, despite the fact that they want to get away.  It just seems she is always sucking energy and never giving anything back.  The kids are there to fulfill her needs for attention and gratification.

All of that I could tolerate, however, if I didn't have serious concerns about my kids safety in her care.  She is very scattered and unfocused.  She is very hyper and bounces around a lot.  She rushes through things in order to get them done, and often misses little details.  She has never watched my kids, but she does watch my niece and nephew.  Yes, nothing has ever happened to them.  But not for her lack of trying.  Here are a few of the things that happened that make me nervous:
*She can never figure out child car seats.  She has failed to buckle my niece into her seat correctly on so many occasions, I've lost count.   She has entrusted my FIL to buckle her in (who didn't know how to do it and had never received instruction) and didn't double check it so it remained loose.  She couldn't get her arms in once and had to have my husband do it.  She's just plain forgot to buckle her on a couple of occasions.
*We were at a swimming party when my niece was three.  We were all in the pool, but my SIL had put MIL specifically in charge of my niece.  I was holding my three month old when my niece fell under the water and and couldn't regain her feet.  I ran over and yanked her out of the pool.  My niece had been too far out for her height but had a "floaty" toy, so I guess MIL thought that was sufficient.  Now I understand accidents happen,  but what bothered me, is that it happened AGAIN, about 5 minutes later.  I again reached over and grabbed the sputtering child, trying desperately not to fall in myself with the baby.   I told MIL that she needed to be in the pool with her.  (She was sitting on the side).  She's fine, she argued.  This ticked me off.  She's not fine, she's three and someone needs to be in the pool with her!  Her uncle was right there, she snapped.  (This is a recurring idea with her.  She expects everyone else to be in charge with her.  That is a nice thought, but you can't count on someone else to look out for your kids.  They usually think someone else is watching and will walk away.  Hubby and I have a strict rule that we always have to make a point of saying out loud to each other who is in charge.  Then no one assumes the other is doing it and walks away, turns their back, etc.)  Anyway, she continued to argue with me, but finally stomped over and put a life jacket on her.  The whole incident left me shaken.  It's bad enough to let a toddler struggle underwater for any period of time, but then to argue it was fine, blew me away.
*She wanted to take my three year old on a carousel ride.  Not a kiddie carousel, but a big vintage one that goes very quickly.  He wanted to ride by himself, which is fine, as they have big seat belts, but after she got him buckled, she left him to go ride with my niece on the other side of the carousel.  She is always trying to be everything to all the kids at the same time, and consequently, often only is half focused on any one of them.  At the end of the ride, my son jumped off trying to get down.  There he dangled by the seat belt noosed around his armpits , feet a foot of the ground, as the ride still turned.  He was unhurt, but it was a miracle he hadn't choked himself, or hung off the other side where the gears and mechanisms are.
*She has put my niece to sleep on a half blown up air mattress when she was an infant.  She has fed her choking hazards.  She let my six month old suck on her metallic jewelry, paying no mind to the fact that it could pose a choking hazard and frankly is not a chew toy.  When hubby told her to not let her, she said "oh, he can't hurt my necklace".  The fricking necklace was the least of my concerns.  She was so busy with three kids on her lap, she didn't notice my four month old grabbing food off adults plates and trying to eat it.  She argued with my FIL that my 12 month old didn't need a seatbelt on a wagon ride.  Why would you NOT buckle him in, just to be safe?  She has not buckled my niece into a highchair and then turned her back.  My niece leaned way over to grab something and almost fell out.  One night, we went out to dinner and she could barely keep her eyes open she was so tired.  She decided to order a double beer (very tall glass) when she was driving my niece home.
*Hubby's family has loved filling me in on various crazy stories from their child hood.  She was driving the neighbor to school when he was 5, went around a corner, and the boy flew out the car door.  Her boys climbed the roof and ripped shingles off when they were 6-7 years old.  The boys shot bee bee guns at police cars.  The boys strung string across the rode to choke the neighbor lady as she rode her bike.  They set fires, got lost, etc.  Friends and relatives often remark about how their house was so chaotic when they were kids that it was like being in the monkey cage at the zoo.

Now, I know, accidents happen.  Kids get into things.  But she is SO unfocused.  So scattered, that these things seem to happen all the time.  She has such poor judgement.  She expects others to pick up her slack.  She doesn't take advantage of safety features that could help "just in case".  I don't understand why, if you have a seat belt, or restraint, or whatever, you wouldn't use it, especially with some one else's kid.  She forgets how little the kids are and allows things that they are not capable of.  When she watches my niece and nephew, they are hungry, always over tired, cranky, and crying.  She has a poor ability to anticipate the kids' needs until it's too late and they are screaming.  She is not very close to my son, even though he sees her way more than my parents.  He never asks about her like he does my dad, who he's seen only twice in four years.  She gets overtired quickly.  She doesn't know her own limits and often promises stuff that she is physically unable to do.  She can't say no to the kids and is always more worried that they will like her than keeping them safe.

So, these are my choices.  And as I think about either of them watching my kids, I have panic attacks.  I don't know what to do.  People do not understand these things, and think I'm just an overprotective, mean daughter-in-law/daughter.  But I worry about my kids.  If something happened to them, I'd never forgive my self.  I don't want to expose them to someone who would hurt them emotionally, or allow them to get hurt physically.  I know what it is like to be hung out to dry by your parents, and I don't want to not be there if they need me.  I want them to know I am there for them.  But I feel guilty.  I know they need time away from me.  I know my husband wants time with me.  I'd love to take a vacation away for the night.  But the sheer panic that closes off my throat each time I think about it, makes it seem impossible.   And as my kids get older and older, I know the time will come where I have to.

Gifts and Parties: How NM uses special occasions to wield power

I have so many stories to share from my past.  Stories that may be boring or redundant for others to hear, but I need to tell.  I have to share some of the current episodes too.  So, forgive my seesawing back and forth.

After Christmas is usually a recharging period for me.  It's easy for me to hide and not face the many family obligations of the holiday season.  To decompress.  I haven't talked to my sister since Christmas, except once on Easter.  She has another (her third in a year) new job and a boyfriend.  And life is complicated for her.  I guess.  I have emailed, texted, facebooked.  She stated she misses me.  But I haven't heard from her.  My Dad just informed me that he has been depressed and antisocial (not unusual for him).  So, I've barely talked to him either.  My kids have been sick.  Really sick.  I was in the doctor's office or ER with one or the other for five weeks straight.  Not a horrible situation, but stressful and exhausting.  My mom has been baiting me.  She sends texts or emails that require responses.  And then when I respond,  I'm swallowed by texts, emails, messages.  I used the kids being sick to hide out a bit.  She always tells me that she is so "worried" about the kids.  She demands that I text her in the morning to let her know how the kids are.  I hate this, because it informs her that I am near my phone.  Usually, she calls immediately.  But lately, the replies I've gotten are three paragraphs about her ailments.  She has skin cancer, a bad rash, back problems.  And then one line asking how the kids are.  There are no lines asking how I am.  One email had the title "biopsy".  I almost deleted it on the spot.  I also receive emails detailing how my aunt is so sick, and my grandfather was almost admitted to the hospital.  I never know how true these emails are as everyone is always dying.  And how much is for dramatic effect.  There is also the endless complaints about my step-family.  Yeah, that same step-family she dumped us for.  They now annoy her to no end.   If I agree with her though she turns it on me, acting as if I'm being judgemental or harsh.  "Well, you know Jessie, being a new parent is tough" she counters when I agreed with her assessment of my step-brother.  No shit.  I'm also a new parent.  I've never heard you say that to me.

Anyway, my son's 1st birthday is approaching.  She used this to start a new onslaught of emails.  She loves to give gifts.  Love to be admired for it.  Loves to complain that no one appreciates all  that she does for us.  She once admonished my three year old for not playing with the train table she bought him enough.  She had bought it a year prior.  And he plays with it all the time but not enough for her.  Each time a gift giving occasion comes, she works herself into a tizzy to get the perfect (read: most expensive, most admirable) gift.  Now a little background.  My sons have three sets of grandparents who all ask me for ideas, as do the aunts and uncles.  I also have to reserve some ideas for his dad and I.   I've suggested college fund money, but no one likes that idea.  So, I'm forced to come up with a list, divvy it out so no one duplicates (because that would piss everyone off), and hope that I'm not offending with what I ask for.  Plus, I really try to suggest things that my son actually wants, instead of random crap that I pack away into boxes.  He doesn't ask for much, so I want him to get the things he does ask for.  This year my mom asked for ideas.  I told her I'd work on it, but it'd help to give me a price range.  She replied "oh, just give me lots of ideas then I'll pick what I want and can spend (she's always "broke" but actually far from it)".  I explained that I have lots of people to suggest ideas for and that she can really help me out if she gives me some guidelines.  She retorts back that "Well, I was just trying to get something you don't already have.  But I'll just come up with my own stuff."  Why does this have to be so difficult?  Why does this piss her off?  So, I write up a wish list and give her some additional ideas.  She hems and haws between them.  I tell her to let me know what she chooses and I'll let MIL have the other ideas.  I haven't heard from her since (a week ago).

And I feel horrible enough as I just dread the event.  I want so desperately to make it a special day for my son.  I want to celebrate him.  But my family makes it so difficult.  My mother will be smug and smirk in the corner and observe everyone.  She will be stand offish and try and put people in their place.  The last two birthday parties she felt the need to suggest I rearrange the table.  "Why?" I asked.  "Oh, I don't know, I just thought it would look better this way."  She has no reasoning.  She just has to put her stamp on things.  Suggest she knows better.  I will hand out responsibilities to my mom and MIL.  Neither will like her assigned job and will be jealous of the other.  They will fight over my son.  My in-laws are not much better.  They always show up late.  And then they make a huge production of themselves.  Gathering the grandkids and sequestering them for themselves.  They are loud and overbearing and showy.  The hog the kids and don't let anyone else see them.  When Jake, my oldest turned one, they showed up a half hour late.  They then spent an hour putting together the wagon they bought in the living room away from the party (because god forbid my one year old see it first).  They missed most of the party and then trotted out the wagon gloating about what a wonderful gift it was.  Look how much he likes it! they crowed.  Never mind that I had picked out the gift.  They had nothing to do with it except paying for it.  But I didn't care, I just wanted my son to have it.  It just annoyed me so much that they made such a big deal out of it (partly because I could feel my mother seething in the corner and partly because I just felt it was rude).  I feel SOOO guilty.  I need to suck it up for my son, but I just dread it all so much.  And they all wonder why I get so "stressed out".  Poor neurotic, anxious Jessie they'll think.