The Good Girl

Hi all.  It's been awhile since I've written here.  I've been working on healing in a few different ways, and so the blog has been neglected.  It's been hard to come up with full posts and and ways to put things so they make sense and so posts have been hard.  Most of what I've been working on is small details put that are forming into "big picture" ideas.

The holidays, while not horrible, were exhausting for me.  All in all, my FOO had a really nice time.  We were busier than usual.  I was happier than usual.  I was able to fully be in the moment.  But with any holiday,  the Ns come buzzing around like flies.  They have expectations, demands, and bone to pick.

At present, I am LC (and pushing for more) with my NM, LC with my in-laws, and NC with my NSIS.  The NC has been difficult for me, as I've come to realize I really do not want a relationship with my sister.  The few bits I've heard from her and about her, tell me she hasn't changed at all.  My MIL was very gravely ill this summer and it has led to a whole lot of changes between DH and I.  She allowed a lot of her true nature to shine through, and I believe he's seen things he can't unsee.  I've been pushing NM back further and further and it's been very interesting to watch her reaction.   She hounded me a ton over Christmas.  Lots of texts, lots of pressure to visit soon.  Because I didn't do what she wanted, she suddenly became cold, distant, and icy.  She started DARVO-ing, implying she was going to stop giving me "more chances" because I'd been "disrespectful".  I spent a lot of time thinking about how she views things and how she can possible believe something like that.

I have finally reached the conclusion that my mother absolutely can not handle any negative emotions from me or my sister.  No sadness, no angry, no disappointment.  If my sister feels that way, she does something to "fix" her (temperarily bandage the problem).  If I feel that way, she completely dismisses me, ignores me, pretends she doesn't hear me or doesn't see the issue, or attacks me for being angry with her.

Growing up, my mother was quite distant.  I remember her spending a lot of time on chores.  She worked full time, but when she wasn't, she cooked, cleaned, or really did anything else.  She didn't play with me, help me with homework, ask me about school or friends, help me run lines for my school plays.  She just never felt very interested in me at all.  We didn't have a lot of money (something my mother must have said a lot, as that was always the feeling I got.  My mother has a big issue with being poor).  But I was clothed and fed.  I had nice toys and had good (although not lavish, which is fine) Christmas'.   We were well "taken care of".  But I don't remember being really maternal at all.  She "ticked all the boxes" of what a mother should do (credit for that saying to my friend Kara).

I do remember her being very withdrawn and cold and depressed.  I remember always trying so hard to not upset her further.  I remember trying so hard to appease my sister (who was, unlike me, not afraid to act up or express her needs and wants.  She was vocal, volatile, and intense).  I know my mother asked me often to appease my sister.  Just give in so that my sister would behave.  I was the ultimate "good girl".  I realize I wasn't perfect, but I was always trying very, very hard to not make waves.  I was good in school (in fact, if I ever got in trouble, which I think maybe happened twice, I was devastated).  It's not that this necessarily came naturally.  I tried very, very hard to BE a good girl.  I did whatever it took be the good girl.  I helped out, I was friendly and kind.  I did all my homework and chores.  Even into my teens, I was a relatively good kid.  Despite a herendous divorce and my family life falling down around me, I still worked, got almost all As, participated in college level courses and extra-curricular activities, and took on a lot of the responsibility for my sister.  I had always taken on extra responsibilities involving my sister.  From the time I was very young.  I was the perfect mother's helper.  (You can imagine my hurt and surprise when my mother tells me now about how she'll tell anyone who listens how "hard raising teenage girls are."  She'll go on and on about "girls' - she knows enough not to call me out directly.)

When my parents divorced, my mother pretty much abandoned me for my teen years.  The little involvement she did have went down to almost nothing.  Despite being exceptionally depressed and upset about the divorce, my mother acted as if I should be "fine".  Any extra support went to my sister, who had seemed to explode into a pillar of problems, issues, and chaos.    It's not that NM had so many problems with my sister that she couldn't also attend to me.  It was that she never, ever considered how I was feeling or what I was going through.  If I expressed any dissent, hurt, or God forbid, the slightest degree of anger, she would shut me down immediately.  My unhappiness was impeding and dampening HER happiness, so I was not allowed to be unhappy.  I distinctly remember her telling me "It is my turn to be happy."  I can look back now and see how she felt she'd sacrificed for her family (she had an NM and an alcoholic father and had taken on a lot of family responsibilities herself) and than been so unhappy with my father.  But at the time, I was stunned that I wasn't allowed to have ANY feelings because it conflicted with what she wanted to do.   I wasn't allowed to talk about it.  When I spent three weeks locked in my room, only coming out for school, she ignored me.  She never asked how I felt, never talked to me about the divorce.  And in fact, she then pushed her "new" family at me and demanded that I fall into line and embrace these strangers (my step father, in particular, who she'd been having an affair with.)  The divorce was acrimonious, there was significant traumas, my sister was out of control, I was left alone a LOT to care for my sister on the weekend, yet my mother never once bothered to stop and consider how I feel.

In my mid-20s, she apparently grew bored with her new family and decided to swoop back in and take back the reigns as "THE mom" in charge of me.  It was at this point, she became very enmeshing and co-dependent.  She had been quite enmeshing when I was a child (not considering what I liked, who I was, or what I wanted) but as an adult, it took on a whole new level.  She wanted to operate my life like she was at the control panel.  She expected to push buttons and I would do whatever she wanted.  And in a lot of ways, I did just that.  As I said, since a young girl, I had always wanted to just make my mother happy.  I wanted to fix that unhappiness she seemed to have (which now came because my sister, 10 years later, as still extremely out of control and we never knew if any day she would find some way to kill herself.  And my the "shine" of the new family had worn off).    So,  I tried to make her happy.  Tried to do what she wanted and be the "good girl" again.  The wounds of the divorce hadn't healed (I had felt so utterly abandoned) but my mom was "back" and I so wanted to make it work.

But, of course, it didn't.  Any attempts to have a real relationship, express any individuality, act like an adult were insults to her.  She took great personal offense to me not accepting her "help" (money forced on me so she could strong arm me into doing what she wanted.  She now had a rich husband, so money became her favorite tool.  It worked on my sister but not me.).  If I didn't take what she offered, I was ungrateful.  If I did take it, I took advantage of her.  If I did take it and didn't do what she wanted, I was spoiled.  I just couldn't win.

And during this time, she tended to take out her own anger about how her life had turned out and project it onto me.  She had constant criticisms and was just down right nasty at times.  Little insults, little digs.  Constantly telling me that I didn't measure up to her expectations.  For a little girl who only wanted to please her mom, who had been terrified of losing her family during the divorce, I often acted desperately to please her.  I was in my 20s, but I still felt very much like a lost little girl.

I finally started to gather some courage and stand up to her in my late 20s.  Many events had become so difficult with her and I was frustrated and saddened that I couldn't figure out how to "get along" with her.  I decided to try talking things out with her.  This did NOT go over well.  Expressing any sort of feelings to her got regulated to "you're just still upset about the divorce".  Being a bit naive at the time and unsophisticated in dealing with Ns, I didn't have a response for this.  I didn't realize how she was shifting the point to take the pressure off of her.  I WAS still upset about the divorce.  I'd never had a chance to heal, my mother had never acknowledged that I even had a right to be upset about the divorce, and because she kept telling me that, my being upset was an affront to her happiness, I had stuffed all of my upset down.  I had wanted her to be happy, so I refused to acknowledge how upset and angry I was.

But that had NOTHING to do what was going on now.  My upset with my mother had to do with her controlling, belittling, demanding, and insensitive behavior.  It had to do with her insults and continued abuse of me.  It had to do with her emotionally raking me over the coals.  It had to do with her expectation that I was just as "responsible" for my sister and her out of control behavior as my own mother.  Her expectation that I was to fix it.  It had to do with my mother using me as her own personal psycho-therapist and dumping all of her problems on me.  Yes, the divorce wound was there, but it had nothing to do with what I was trying to resolve with my mother.

These interactions left me baffled and hurt.  I again felt so minimized.  I felt that I couldn't quite get to whatever it was I need to get to in my mother to make any difference in our relationship.  My feelings, my emotions, my anger with her, my hurt towards he was so offensive to her that she wouldn't allow me to express it at all.  If I did, she would become very wounded, hurt, angry, or upset.  And watching her feel like that was the ultimate discomfort for me.  I didn't want to hurt my mother.  

The pressure kept building though.  I remember one night in which she'd been drinking and had become particularly nasty in her criticism and snark.  We were driving home and she was yelling at me about how I was "just still upset about the divorce.  You're just still upset I married your step father."  I can remember fighting that feeling so badly to tell her how I felt.  I knew it would NOT end well if I did.  I remember her pushing and pushing me to tell her how I felt.  Not because she actually wanted to hear it, but because she was testing to me to see if I'd hold back.  She wanted me to deny every feeling I had and tell her that I wasn't angry with her, I wasn't upset with her, she was a GREAT mom and I loved her.  But I didn't.  I finally decided to give her what she'd been pushing me to do and I let her have it.  I wasn't mean towards her (I was still respectful, not calling her names or accusing her of anything) but I unleashed how I really felt.  And she went beserk.  We were in a Home Depot parking lot, me curled in a ball in the back seat, her screaming and clawing at the door to get out.  It was locked (automatically locks if the car travels over 15 mph) and she was like a caged animal trying to get out.  She was screaming at my husband to take her home.  He gently told her he thought we needed to just talk and figure things out.  I was sobbing.  She screamed so badly and freaked out so much that we took her to her hotel.  She got out with out a word.  The next day, she stopped by my house to say good bye and return a hair dryer.  She said not one word about it, didn't ask to resolve anything, but gave me a hug and figured that solved it all.

From that moment on, things were never quite the same.  As my kids came along, she demanded more and more to be put front and center.  And if I didn't, she became angry and hostile.  She played the victim.   She accused me of being unkind, keeping her from her grand kids, being selfish, and spoiled.  She accused me of favoring my in-laws (HAHA!  And she knows how much I struggle with them.)  She continues to dismiss me at every chance she gets.  In the last 4 years of LC, in which I went from talking to her for 2-3 hours every other day (well, listening to her, not really talking) to only talking briefly on holidays and birthdays.  I don't tell her anything about my life, and she doesn't ask.  I don't make an effort to see her.

In all this time, she's never once asked me how I'm feeling or if I'm OK.  She's never asked to make things better.  She's continued to pretend everything is fine.  She's never asked me if somethings wrong.  When I went NC with my sister, she never asked to hear my feelings on it.  She's preached to me about my sister, badgered me to get back into contact, and continued to share any and all details of how "great" my sister is doing (this is a lie).  But she's never asked what I need, how I'm doing, or if there is something SHE can help ME with.  She has never once, to my recollection really wanted to know what my feelings are.

The only time she cares is if it's a dramatic situation and she can suck up the NS from it or somehow position herself so she's pitying me.  It's only ever been to gain an advantage (like when my grandmother died almost a year ago, she suddenly became very "concerned" about me.  Interesting, because when her own mother died, she had no ability to see I might be grieving at all. )

As I've said no more and more to her, I can see that "good girl" image pop up in my head over and over.  This is the one tool she uses on me the most.  My willingness to be conscious, my desire to be the good daughter who makes her mother happy, my wish for a happier family.  She knows damn well that is my soft spot and uses it to her full advantage.  It really is difficult, because, often, I feel I'm compromising my own integrity by NOT doing what she wants.  I'm happy to give people what they ask for a lot of the time.  I'm happy to compromise and make people feel special and give a lot.  But when I discovered that she was using this to her advantage, asking more than she should have, and expecting total compliance, I was dumbfounded.

I've also realized that this is what sets me up to fail a lot with my NMIL too.  I want to be the "good DIL".  I want to make the family happy and get along.  I want to compromise and make it work.

Unfortunately, the goal of "good daughter/DIL" (and "good sister" ) is always changing in it's parameters.  I can never be good enough or just "good".   I have to do every little thing they tell me too.  I have to compromise and give up EVERYTHING that I am.  I have to relinquish any control over my life, my kids life and do whatever they want, whenever they want.  And even then, they will not be happy.

I have realized often in the past (intellectually) that I need to give up their definition of "good" and just do what I believe a good daughter would do.  And while I can understand that, the "doing" of that and fully taking that into my soul, is so much harder.  There is still a part of me that just wants her to be happy.  A part of me that just wants to figure it all out and get along.  I beat myself up routinely (aided by a lot of flying monkeys) for not being able to work out why I can't just be satisfied with doing what I know to be right.  In almost any area of my life, other than dealing with Ns, I'm very confident in knowing I've done the right thing.  Many people tell me I'm full of integrity and a kind and thoughtful person.  I just can't see what the next step is to getting rid of the discomfort of not living up to my mother's (and MIL's) expectations of me.  I'm not sure how to handle the criticism, nastiness, passive-aggressiveness, and shaming that comes from them when I don't live up to who they want me to be.  I don't know how to get self-esteem in that area.   I'm not sure how to deflect the gaslighting when they claim it's all me and I'm just a sorry excuse for a human being.    I can know it in my head, but how do I incorporate it into my being.

Won't Back Down

So, I survived the party weekend.  I'll try to keep this brief, but you know me.  A bit too wordy. 

When NM and Step father (SF, from now on) arrived, it was as uncomfortable as usual.  Several years ago, when I would travel the six hours to NM's home, she would DEMAND hourly texts as to where we were.  It use to annoy me to no end, so I started stretching them out more and more.  I felt a text saying when I was leaving and when we were close was sufficient.  NM didn't and it pissed her off.  So, she started refusing to text me at all.  It became a game of "surprise" hoping to catch me off guard. Several times she even showed up and went to the BACK of my home to look in the windows.

So, now, we play the game of "when is NM going to show up".  I don't bother to ask because that feeds her NS.  And she works it to her advantage and sets me up for more communication. 

They arrived in late afternoon and, as usually, it's stiff and strange.  We never really have the big family reception, everyone hugging and excited to see each other.  Years ago, I would be tense and uptight.  Now, she is sullen and moody.  They are both quiet and often seem pissy. 

I was in the middle of cooking when they walked in, so I couldn't give my full attention to NM and apologized and said I'd be with her in a minute.  She said fine, but continued to pile things on the counter I was cooking on and trying to pull attention from me (I really couldn't stop what I was doing).  And then, the moment I stopped and gave her my attention, she took off for the kids.  She would wander back in on occasion and tell me something but then the minute I would start saying something, she would walk off.  At one point, she was talking about her purse and struggling to find something in it.  I had recently gotten a new bag and was showing it to her, saying how convenient it was because it had lots of organizing compartments and I could keep the kids stuff separate from mine and how excited I was.  But as I looked up, I realized she was looking at her phone.  I stopped talking MID SENTENCE.  And guess what?  She didn't even notice.  She showed me the picture on her phone and then walked off. 

The evening didn't get much better.  I really do like to cook and entertain (but have been burnt out lately since most people I've had in my social circle take it for granted and don't reciprocate at all).  But tonight, I had cooked homemade pasta sauce.  I cooked down tomatoes and carrots and zucchini from my garden, simmering it all day.  I gathered fresh vegetables from the garden and made an amazing salad.  I made a special, separate sauce for my SF because of a dietary constraint.  I worked all day and it was amazing.  Not that you would've known it from NM and SF's reaction.  Not a thank you.  Not a "this is nice".  Not a "this is good".  Nothing.  Not that I expected much.  And I really didn't care.  But it just goes to show how little they notice that I do for them. 

NM, of course, talks a lot about herself.  She (AGAIN) brings out her newest business venture (selling stuff at home parties crap).  She's been trying to "sell" me (using me as a guinea pig) for awhile now.  I just nod and say 'um hm".  She likes to be an expert.  She likes to give lessons.  I just ignore it. 

She spends a lot of time with the kids, so I'm left alone a lot to cook (and clean up.  She does offer to help, but it's clear she doesn't really want to.  And she's a pain, demanding "help" while she cleans, so it's easier if I just do it.)  I always wonder what it must be like to have a mother who cooks for her kids or helps (my NM never did my laundry when I came home from college and rarely made "home cooked meals" to comfort her wayward college kid, like I heard other mothers did.)

The next morning it's a bit strained and uneasy.  Nothing really has happened, but it's like there is some undercurrent in the air.  She had wanted to go somewhere, DO something, in the morning.  But trying to get the kids up, dressed, fed, and gather all of the party stuff left me feeling there was little time to do anything else.  I can tell she's annoyed, but busies herself playing with the kids.  I would imagine that this should be good enough.  And by early afternoon, we are off to the party.

The party: Either I'm wising up and have better planning or they've all become easier to deal with.  I'm guessing it's the former.  Most of the party went off without a hitch.  We had an hour of structured "kid activity" time, which left little room for socializing among the adults.  I was a bit frustrated as one of my friends, Toby, just sat back and expected us to help his kid, despite being told that he needed to participate with him. 

MIL arrived on time.  But, as usual, with her, she has a million things to dole out (including some VERY ripe fruit swarming with fruit flies.  I swear she just gathers shit to bring to us-often old and regifted.)  And as usual, despite us trying to get the party going, she expects us to help her "off load" her stuff so she can calm down.  Until then, she is a bit manic and antsy.   I avoided her for most of the party.  She did offer to help, but I didn't need her help and said so.  She asked my son about activities that he clearly doesn't do (I'm not sure where the hell she heard that) but ignored it.

SIL was actually very helpful.  I'm not dumb enough to buy that she did it to really help me.  She can be, and has been in the past, very helpful.  She's very skillful at knowing what needs to be done and doing it, without taking over.  I did appreciate it and intend to tell her so.  At one time, I liked being around her (mostly) although we weren't that close.  But she's sneaky and untrustworthy and I know better than to get too close to her.  But, I did appreciate it her helping me with the kids. 

NM forced me to drive with her to the venue.  DH took the kids to get the balloons and I went early to set up.  NM has some weird resistance to me driving and NEVER lets me.  This time I tried to bring my own car, but she backed her's in front of mine saying she wanted to have her own car.  So, I was forced to drive with her.  She drove HALF of the speed limit the whole way there.  Despite me, repeatedly, telling her to speed up, she just meanders.  I'm not sure why the hell she does this.  She says she gets anxious in a different town (more reason to have me drive.  I'm not a horribly driver) but I know she drives just fine (and often fast), so I'm not sure what the deal is.

 On the ride there, we sat in silence.  I had nothing to say to her.  I've realized that I really don't enjoy spending time with my mother.  She is often pompous and needing to be the "wise" mother who is handing out advice.  I don't need her advice.  I can no longer share my thoughts or feelings with her.  She doesn't ask about my life or hobbies and when I try to share them with her, she zones out, talks over me, or walks off.  Or she makes fun of me (when I tried to show her my sewing projects, she said "WELL, quite the little Suzy Home maker, aren't we?").  I can't ask her about people in her life, because she dislikes them all.  I can't ask her about what is going on in her life, because there is nothing.  She has no hobbies, no interests (maybe one), and is involved in nothing.  I refuse to ask her about most people we know because she gossips or tells me negative things.  It was a long fucking ride. 

When we got there, she acted huffy because she decided to load two huge armfuls of stuff up and acted put out (I told her I was coming back for the stuff.)  We got up to the room and she instantly just starts grabbing stuff and putting it where she wants to (not where I want it to go).  I don't want to control it all, but she doesn't even know what I have.  She doesn't ask how she can help, but just does what she likes.  When I try to stop her, she acts offended.  She thinks, as the mom, she just KNOWS how I like things.

The worst part was during the cake.  I tried to set my son down next to it and asked the other kids crowding between him and the cake to move to the other side of it.  I'm trying to get pictures, worried that my cupcake tower (which is wobbling) will crash and trying to move two very stubborn preschoolers around.  I ask them to move (loudly) three times and then finally do it myself.  I'm not sure where the hell the parents are.  I've discovered that when I get upset or frustrated in these situations, I just put my head down and avoid eye contact.  I don't know why I do this, and it bugs the hell out of me.  Any thoughts?  Anyway, I'm taking pictures of my kid with his cupcake, while two VERY angry and glaring children stare at me.  I get the singing done and I suddenly have kids grabbing for things and demanding me to get them juice.  I figure that my only job is my two kids and (LOUDLY) tell Toby that his kid needs something (thanks for that suggestion TW).  Toby says "what does he need?"  I say "I don't know, ask him."

Then, during presents, I have to ask my niece and nephew repeatedly to move back.  I know they are excited and just want to be involved, but they are so close that I can't get pictures of my kid.  They also keep grabbing at his presents trying to open them.  My niece is almost 5, and considering I was a preschool teacher, I think that, although this might be normal behavior, it is behavior that needs to be corrected.  It's rude and pushy to try and open another kid's gifts.  I ask her to move back.  I move her back.  I ask her to move back.  I, again, move her back.  I'm feeling claustrophobic.  Then, MIL hands my younger son a gift for him so that "he won't feel left out."  I don't want my younger son to open a gift while my older son is opening his gifts.  He's old enough to be able to focus on someone else for 10 minutes and (as the youngest child) is handling it all just fine.  I put the gift aside, and I'm sure I look like a mean old shrew to her.

By this point, I'm flustered.  I feel overwhelmed with the kids.  I'm not understanding why the other parents aren't helping.  Toby has a habit of letting me take over with his kid.  He sits back and lets me feed him, get him stuff, and clean up after him.  I'm getting sick of it.  My SIL and BIL don't really believe in "rules" and like letting their children be more...um, "free"?  I'm thinking, I'm too strict, I look like a harpy, I don't like having to correct other people's children, but I don't want my kid to have to share his presents or not get a chance to be in the spotlight with his cake.  I'm wondering how I'm coming off to the other people.  Do I look like a hard ass?  This isn't the first time I've had to be the person in charge of the kids.  And I don't like it.  Am I wrong?  Am I over reacting.  I know I was frustrated and had less patience with the kids than I should've.  But I felt under the pressure and like all eyes are staring on me.

So, I finish up the gifts and start packing up (we only had a half hour).  I start packing up the food and my FIL complains.  He is a grazer.  He LOVES buffet food and will linger forever (he's also cheap, and will fill up on it and avoid a meal later).  I tell him to load up another plate and then I'm packing it up.  He's joking, and mostly nice about it, but I'm not in the mood. 

I hustle everyone out the door, pack the kids up and alert MIL that we are leaving.  She says goodbye to the boys in the car (as usual, she focuses mainly on my older son...that's another post thought). 

NM is behind us with the gifts and decides to make a stop.  She is gone for about an hour, but texts us to let us know where she is: buying a gun.  Seriously.  She has some paranoia that the world is changing and she fills unsafe driving by herself.  So, she is getting a gun.  OK.  When we don't respond, she calls my husband who kind of laughs her "checking in" off.  She later asks why he was so grumpy. 

My son is waiting and waiting for his gifts.  She has them all in the trunk of her car.  But we wait.  I'm getting frustrated, but he's handling it well, so I am doing OK. 

She gets here and we get out the gifts and she doles out her million more presents to my kids.  They are playing happily and it's well after dinner time, so I get up to start dinner.  She had offered to take us out, but says nothing.  When I go to start dinner, she says "Oh, is this what we are doing for dinner?"  I say, well, it's about our only choice right now, as the kids need to eat.  She appears annoyed that I mead the decision without talking to her. 

I can feel her circling.  She's been quiet and odd the whole time.  DH heads outside with SF to do something and the kids follow them out.  It's just her and I in the kitchen.

The first thing she asks is if my father is coming to visit.  I haven't told her he is coming in two weeks.  She is nosy and it's none of her business.  And there she will have an attitude about it (although I never quite know why).  Plus, whenever I've told her in the past that he is coming, she gets all offended and complains that he needs to go visit my sister too.  (And as background, he does visit her, but not as often.  They have a difficult relationship, and he doesn't particularly like going to visit her.  He did offer to visit her during her "cancer" but she refused...she refused everyone.  She also rarely visits my parents.  She has visited my mom once in seven years.  She has visited my father once in seven years; once she flew into his town but visited her abusive ex-boyfriend instead.  She has come to my home, but often at NM's expense.  NM always feels NSIS is getting the short end of the stick and is constantly taking up for her and demanding "equal" treatment.  She also expects all of us (including extended family) to coddle her, as NM does, make excuses for her lack of reciprocation, make excuses for her period, and bend to NSis, despite NSis being in her 30s). 

So, NM asks if my father is visiting (they have been divorced for 20 years).  I say "yes".  And she responds with "He really needs to go visit your sister!" in an exasperated tone.  And there it is.  I knew it was coming.  NM had been hinting around NSis.  Nsis, herself, had been hinting on FB (she rarely posts on FB) about visiting and my father's lack of visits (she said this to an odd, distant relative.  NSis had been posting odd posts, period, which I imagine where meant as some sort of "message")  NM had been detailing her recent visit to NSIS.  I had nodded and um-hmm-ed but didn't say much . I said "that's good." when NM told me NSIS had had a "checkup" for her condition and it all looked good.   I bet it did.  I sidestepped NM telling me how my NSIS makes the dish I was, at that moment preparing, but telling NM how I liked to do it.  NM changed the subject by cutting me off and saying "we all like to do it differently."  Um, OK.  So, NSIS's making of this dish is a story, but me telling you is boring you?

And when all that didn't work, she traps me by asking about my father's visit.  I tell her that that is none of my business.  That I don't know what his plans are.  That he has offered to visit her in the past and she refused.  I say it calmly and matter-of-factly.  I tell her that it's between NSIS and my father, as they are both adults and that it doesn't have to do with how often he visits me.  She is flustered and walks away and drops it.

She circles back.  She loops in my grandmother (my father's mother) and I tell her that my grandmother is moving.  She is surprised.  She usually hits up my paternal cousin for information (she works with him) but hadn't gotten this information.  I tell her that my father and I were discussing the move and how most of her belongings will be given away and if I wanted anything.  I tell her that a sentimental piece of my grandmother's cookery was given to me.  She gets sputter-y.  "WHAT ABOUT NSIS?  IS SOMEONE MAKING SURE SHE GETS SOMETHING?"  I say, I don't know.  That it's not between me.  Again, I stay calm and collected.  It's not my job to make sure NSIS gets anything.  NSIS has rarely made any effort to keep in contact with my grandmother.  She's, twice, had very upsetting confrontations with my grandmother.  Even when grandma had a heart attack, NM was sputtering that my grandmother needed to call NSIS about NSIS's medical condition.  It's always about NSIS. 

I repeat to NM that it's not place.  That I'm sure grandma has things for her, but I don't know and I haven't gotten involved. 

NM is worked up now.  (And the rest of this conversation gets fuzzy for me.  I was too busy avoiding the pit falls to remember it all verbatim.  I'll hit on the "highlights" with my thoughts in italics. And did I mention, I'm trying to cook dinner during this?)

NM is defending NSIS.  She is making points about how NSIS is forgotten and "better" be remembered.  I say that it's not my place.  I tell her that my father and NSIS are adults and will need to work it out for themselves.  NM says "well, I don't get in the middle either, but..." I cut her off.  I am not getting in the middle of it, I repeat.  Her relationship with my dad is not mine and doesn't effect mine.

NM starts in on how NSIS "misses me".  I say nothing.  She makes some remarks about how we can work it out.  I tell NM that I'm not discussing NSIS with her.  That NSIS, herself, asked me not to discuss her with our mother.  I say that I will not discuss it with her.  She keeps trying different angles.  She tells me that she "knows everything that has happened between you two."  "No.  You don't."  She takes on a superior tone, a smug tone, yes I do.  I say, "no.  you don't."  I'll admit, she almost had me for a minute.  I HATE when she tells me she knows me better than myself and that she knows everything that goes on.   I tell her that, as she has never bothered to ask me about my feelings, has never heard my side of the story, has never bothered to listen when I have told her my side of the story, she CLEARLY, does not know "all of it". 

Again, NM circles to another angle.  "Well, I just hope the two of you can work it out someday.  I just hope you can get back together.  I know how it is..." and then relates the experience to her and my aunt, who have had periodic estrangements.  I say "NSIS is not (aunt).  Aunt is weird and difficult, but she is NO NSIS."  NM smiles as if she's won a point, "I know how it is because of (aunt).  But I am not perfect either."  Her implication is that I'm not perfect either.  That it's a mutual between me and NSIS, this estrangement.  Ha.

"NSIS is not my aunt.  NSIS is abusive and cruel and mean.  NSIS lies and manipulates.  NSIS takes money from my father and then uses it for alternative purposes.  NSIS is not someone I want to be around anymore.  And besides, NSIS knows perfectly well how to "resolve" this rift between us.  I've told her, flatly, in an email how to do that."  I still am cool, calm, and collected.  I probably didn't need to say all I did about NSIS, but I really don't care.  It's the truth, I wasn't slandering her, and I was speaking calmly.  I repeat "NSIS had it all laid out for her in an email.  I'm sure she's read the email to you, since you know everything" I say to NM.  NM, generally surprised, says "what email?"  I say "what email?  Well, I guess you don't know everything then.  Regardless, she knows what I need to move on in this relationship and she's chosen not to do it.  She's chosen to try and buy me off with paltry peace offerings instead of making any real change.  And I won't move forward without that."

NM's stumped for a moment.  She then asks about the money from my father.  I say yes, he gives her money (not really the best thing to say, but not something I think my father would care for her to know).  The wheels are turning in NM's head.  She tries offering excuses up for NSIS.  I say, "Listen.  It's none of my business.  But the thing is, NSIS lies and is deceptive.  I know this because the stories I hear from you and the stories I hear from dad, don't correlate at all.  You both express COMPLETELY different accounts of things.  Somebody isn't telling the truth.  I believe NSIS lies to you and to dad, so you can not know the "whole truth".  I'm will not be a part of that anymore.  And I will not tolerate her abusive nature towards me, her manipulations, or her making me a part of deception."

NM again tries a new angle "Your father shouldn't discuss that with you." (HAHAHA.  Did she really just accuse me of gossiping behind someone's back?)  "You need to be careful.  He brings you up to NSIS and then says that NSIS needs to discuss things with you."  Well, that's just so convoluted I don't even know what to do with it.  She's accusing my dad, who's as straight forward as they get, of gossiping.  And frankly, aside from some basic "fact finding" we rarely discuss my sister, so I know he doesn't discuss me.  And clearly, he tells NSIS to deal with me herself, so how is he gossiping again?  All b.s.

Then NM tries to take my side when I repeat that, as NSIS is now, she is not healthy for me or my kids to be around .  She feigns sympathy.  Says that she always knew if she had to choose between her kids and her family, she'd choose her kids.  Gee, thanks.  But she has NEVER been in a situation like this.  She agrees as  I state that I do not want to expose my kids to NSIS's attention sucking behaviors that are often not child appropriate.  That NSIS's scuz ball of a boyfriend is not welcome around my kids.  I offer up a few examples of their inappropriate behavior around my kids.  NM seems disturbed.  When I make a few more statements, NM screws up her face, puffs out her cheeks, and closes one eye.  She looks like a cartoon character as she makes her exaggerated facial expressions.  She seems disturbed by what I'm saying, but I'm not sure why.  I don't really care.

And then NM goes pathetic.  She starts crying.  She states NSIS is toxic and hard to be around.  She says, dramatically, and with a pause, "That's why I ended up in the E.R. last fall."  Oh, fuck me.  I had forgotten that she told me about this before, and so I'm stunned for a minute.  But I quickly regroup.  Notice, she doesn't say WHAT the fuck she was in the E.R. for.  This is clearly for dramatic purposes.  "Why are you brining this up now, NM?  Why not then?"  Well, NM realizes she's getting beat.  She drops that line (it's pathetic anyway.  I remembered afterward she was in the hospital for a panic attack and got prescribed tranquilizers.  Good for her.  I suggested at the time she get some fucking therapy.  I would do the same now, but she knew this new tactic wasn't working.)

SO, then she tries "I just want to go back to the way our relationship was."  Sobs.  Ick.  And really, what fucking relationship?  The one where I had anxiety and panic attacks (oh, yeah, NM, I've had those too!  And a gun to my head!  So, guess what, we all have our mental health issues at time.  Get some help, I have.)  The relationship in which you dominated and controlled it all, demanding endless amounts of NS that was never enough?  Where you devalued and degraded me and accepted nothing I did as good enough?  Where I tried to be the perfect daughter and you shit on all attempts, and instead focused all your attention on NSIS?  Where you forced me to hand hold you and parent NSIS and made me fucking ill?  Yeah, let's go back to that.  "NM.  I call and text and email as much as I can.  Contact is hard on the phone with the kids, but I am in contact with you several times a week."  "I know." she sobs "things change.  I know it's hard.  I've been there and been busy...and someday you'll be where I am."  Where is that, NM?  Alone and desperate?  No, I won't.  Because I won't demand that my kids be my whole fucking life.  I won't be such an asshole that they won't want to be around me.  And if I am, than I'm sure I'll figure something to do with myself instead of whining and crying that no one loves me.  I despise that she threatens me like that: beware, someday, being a bitch to your mom will leave you alone too!

Then, NM ask for a hug.  I fucking recoil.  NO.  FUCKING. WAY.  I don't want a fucking hug.  And what fucking good would that do anyway.  She's on top of me, telling me how proud she fucking is of me and how much she loves me.  Frankly, I don't give a shit how proud she is of me.  It means NOTHING to me.  I walk away, and DH walks in.  Thank god.

He's in and out, but I tell him to come back I need his help.  He says he'll be right back in (he can tell something's up).  She tries a bit more shit (there is more to this confrontation, but I can't remember it all).  I tell her I'm done talking about it.  I walk away, again, from another hug.  I tell her again that NSIS is abusive and name calling.  She says "don't let her do that to you."  I say, "I don't.  That's why we are in the situation we are in."  Game.  Set.  Match.  I win. 

DH walks in and NM makes a big show about how he's "the best son-in-law".  Ick.  "I'm not just saying this, Jessie!"  OK. 

We get through dinner and she acts like nothing happened.  And then has the balls to ask me if I'm having another kids...because SHE wants me to.

Sigh.  She's never going to change. 

But I have.  I felt fucking awesome.  She NEVER rattled me.  She NEVER baited me or got me to respond.  I remained in control and strong.  It bothered me.  It made me sad.  It certainly pissed me off, but she didn't draw me into a drama match.  And I finished fucking dinner.  And it was good.

Afterwards, I was processing it.  I realized she never once seemed concerned about how it was effecting me.  She didn't even ask for my feelings.  She was only concerned about her and NSIS.  What they needed, who was screwing them, how life sucks for them.  Well, too damn bad.  I'm done with that shit.  It was amazing how clearly she fell into the narc patterns.  How easy it was to see them coming.  How little they stung.  Do I just not care anymore?  I'm sure there will be some backlash to this.  I'm sure that she will come at me again.  But I'm not fucking afraid of her anymore.


A couple of other things, mainly just to vent.  This woman has serious boundary issues.  DH was on the phone.  Instead of excusing herself, she just listened in.  I tried to get her to leave but she just "hung around" and, clearly, listened.  When a neighbor came to the door, she had to come around and peer over DH's shoulder.  She invited my son to climb into bed with her in the morning.  This bugged me and he was instructed to not do it again. 

She relishes the role of "older and wiser" with the kids.  She forces "teaching" moments on them, most of the time, not even knowing what she was doing.  She kept forcing DS to listen as she "instructed" the appropriate way to line up bowling pins.  He couldn't have cared less and told her, repeatedly, that he just wanted to play.  I told her that she was sucking all of the fun out of it.  She didn't care and just kept going on.  He finally walked away.  This annoys the hell out of me, as I feel she is taking advantage of a "captive" audience to appear as the great teacher.  Which she's not.  She also sets DS up, by purposely buying toys for my other son of DS's interests.  And when he suggested a way they could play together with it, she jumped on the chance to chastise him.  I nipped that shit in the bud immediately. 

She used several opportunities to put me down to DH, by acting like she "sympathized" with him in my treatment of him.  I was teasing him because he called something a funny combination name that was a completely different word, but similar sounding.  DH does not have an insecurity about his intellect, so me correcting him and teasing him doesn't bother him.  NM does have an insecurity about being "dumb" and it does bother  NM if I correct her (although she often ASKS me to correct her and I'm always kind.  Damn double bind.).  So, she says "don't worry, DH.  She does that to me too."  Yeah, well, fuck off. 

NM feels that everything that goes on should be run by her, and if she doesn't understand she expects an explanation.  But she doesn't ask for one, she states something in a weird way, like I'm some sort of freak for what I just said.  It's hard to explain.  But here's an example.  One evening, I needed a break, so I said I was going to get the mail.  I really don't need to tell her where I'm going anyway, but she watches me (and accounts for me) like a hawk.  I snuck off to email Kara during the ordeal and was only gone five minutes before I hear NM shrieking my name.  Geez.  Anyway, I say I'm going to get the mail.  "THE MAIL?!?"  NM says, screwing up her face and raising her voice at the end.  Another time, DH reminded me to bring ketchup.  She says, in the same raised voice and odd questioning way "KETCHUP?!?"  I say, yay, ketchup.  She repeats "KETCHUP?!?"  I say, yay, for the party.  Two can play this fucking game.  If you can't just say "what do you need ketchup for?"  then I can't answer you.  Finally, DH breaks in and tells her, but I figure if she's going to demand answers for questions she hasn't asked, she can kiss my ass.

So, there you are folks.  The last morning was tense.  NM did make some comments about coming again soon to watch DS play sports.  I let it go.  Step father gave me an extra long hug and was more than kind to me when leaving.  I felt it was sincere but I wondered why.  He and I have always been at a distance...until I started standing up for myself.   He seems to like me more now.  NM hugged me lamely goodbye.  Nothing was resolved and I don't expect it to be.  This is how it has always been and how it always will be.

I do worry about my son.  He loves her and ask for her a lot.  She is fun for him.  She can be silly and goofy and plays a lot with him.  She gives him a lot of attention.  But she's fucking dangerous.  I know, NC would be best.  But it's just not possible right now.  So, I hope I can help him navigate her and teach him how to deal with her.  I've already started.  And we work on it.  And he already notices a lot (which I capitalize on when I can).  I guess we'll just take one step at a time.  And if it gets worse, I know where the exit sign is. 

Thanks for reading, folks.  And thanks for all of the support.  Sneaking in and finding emails and loving concern sustained me through the weekend.  It all meant more to me than you'll know.  Thanks, Jessie.


 

I think you suck

I received an email today from my recently distant sister.  It is conveniently timed.  It is not a coincidence that NM left two days ago, and I received this email today.  Towards the end, NSis asks that I "respect" her and not speak to either of my parents about her as it makes them "uncomfortable".  This is pure bullshit, as I have not spoken to either of my parents about NSis in months and specifically told both of them I wouldn't be speaking about her.  So, I'd be curious to know what kind of conversation went on between NSis and NM about her visit.

I wrote NSis an email in response to our recent falling out in November.  I've only vaguely heard from her since then, and her response to me email was to say that she had nothing to say.  That I had stunned her so much that she was at a loss for words.

Today, NSis was textbook narc in her response.  She was calm and calculated in her word choices.  She remained emotionally distant and detached.  She barely hid her anger and rage at me.  She blamed me, guilted me, and shifted responsibility.  She feigned shock at my behavior and implied that I am somehow responsible for out latest dust up.  She projected her anger and rage onto me and gas lighted me at every turn.  She blamed me for her lack of interest in me and claimed I was personalizing her life too much.

She expressed that she felt she had always been supportive and there for me (although not in such a direct way) and implied I'd somehow failed as a sister during her recent "medical crisis" (otherwise known as the illness that will not be named by her).  She took low blows and hinted at all the ways she felt me to be lesser than what she expects from her sister.

She also professed how far she's come (in two months), how much she's changed (in two months), and how she now has great relationships (that she hasn't had in years) with my parents.  Because she's awesome.

And I'm not.  And it's the same old song and dance.  It surprised me not at all.  It was exactly what I expected of her, and that made me sad.  I knew what I was going to get from her but I had so much wanted to be wrong.

My Weekend in the Narc Hood Part 1

I've been rolling the events of my weekend around in my head.  I really wasn't going to post about it.  Because really I didn't know what to say.  And some of the details were other people's private details.  I've been (probably poorly) trying to limit (edit?) some of the details of my life to protect my anonimity.  And I didn't know how I could discuss all that's happened without compromising myself a bit.  But then I decided I really didn't care anymore.  I'm not saying anything that I wouldn't discuss directly with the people involved.  And it all just started to get so crazy, that I needed to write it all down; for myself, and for some outside perspective.

Before I start, I'll apologize that this post might be a bit tangential.  There is a lot of background and side stories that figure into the events (isn't there always with narcs?).  Also, I've been dealing with crap from both my husband's family and my family.   Although its all been going on concurrently,  I decided to separate the two situations into two separate posts.  So, here goes part 1:

I think my sister is going crazy.  For a little recap:  sister claimed several months back that she had cancer.  Cancer of the lady parts.  Which lady parts is still up for debate.  Sister is in her early 30s.  Sister was diagnosed in early 2012 (and all of this is speculative, because nothing has been directly told to me by my sister.  And even if she had told me directly, it's all suspect at this point.)  In August, sister announced, very late at night and on FB that she has cancer.  She hadn't told my dad and hadn't told me.  I reached out on several occasions to get her to talk, but got vague answers, if at all.  As I've been told, sister got radiation and hormone treatment (all as outpatient) once a week for a  month.  She was very vague with everyone.  She avoided all phone calls from my father and mother, or took them sparingly, claiming she was fatigued or too upset to talk.  She never returned my attempts to contact her.  During this time, she also ignored my son's birthday (nothing new, she's missed the last several) and ignored my son's surgery.   She took money from my dad, managed to go out and cash the check, but never managed to call and thank him or even say she got it.   She called my dad once and screamed at him for being a bad father and ruining her life (because of situations revolving around my parents' divorce almost 20 years ago).  She was so hysterical that my dad finally had to hang up and call the cops.  She also stated to him that her boyfriend is beating her (she has been in many relationships where domestic violence is involved.)  She cried that she didn't know what to do, and was unwilling to listen to him offer solutions.   During this time, my father offered to come visit and help or stay with her, but she told him it was unnecessary.  She called my father in the middle of the night, twice, the night before her retest for cancer with a "panic attack" (I have no way to validate it as a panic attack, but these were my sister's words).  My father talked to her for over an hour at 3:30 a.m.   My sister never called to let him know the results of said retest.

My mother (NM) has also had limited contact with my sister, but has been her unwavering supporter.  Although my sister has offered limited information, and often brushed her off, (and I'm sure also accepted money from her), my mother has repeatedly lobbied for sister's "support" during her time of crisis.  NM has admonished me for not supporting sister enough (during my son's birthday, and if you'll remember, they tried to have a little "reunion" during this time to show my sister support...during my son's birthday).  NM has offered up lots of excuses for sister.  She has vilified sister's boyfriend as an abuser.  She has found lots of ways to excuse sister from any and all responsibility for herself.    NM has also managed to sneak in a few jabs at my father (a man she cheated on and left) for not being their enough for sister AND for NM!  NM has called my father several times to discuss sister, for no other reason that I can see, than to create drama.  

NM sent me an email over the weekend detailing how sister and her abusive boyfriend had a nice weekend together.  My broke sister, who took off lots of time for treatment, took off several days to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday (included, I'm sure, was a nice material gift.  Many, many times, I've listened to my sister cry that she's too broke to buy Christmas gifts for her family-not that I expect one-and then cry that she can't decide which expensive gift to buy her boyfriend.).  Sister and boyfriend also went out and bought new items for their apartment (relatively pricey ones).  Guess daddy's check helped out right in time.

So, last night I get an email from my dad telling me that my beloved Grandmother had a heart attack and was life flighted to a larger hospital for treatment.  (Yes, the email was a horrible choice, one I would have been upset about, had he not called me today to follow up. )  A little more background, Grandmother does not like my mother and hasn't since the divorce.  She's never been calloused or judgmental  but my mother pulled some really crappy shit around that time (some of which was directly against my grandmother) and my grandmother has chosen to not want anything to do with NM (and fairly so).   Around 8 years ago, my sister went to visit my grandmother.  For some reason, my sister didn't feel like my mother was welcoming and kind enough to her.  So after the visit, my sister wrote a long (and not kind) email to my grandmother.  This caused another rift.  My sister, as recently as six months ago, said she really never cared to talk to my grandmother, and blamed my grandmother for the fight.

This morning, very, very early in the morning (read: long before most people are up) my sister started text messaging me and calling me in a tizzy over my grandmother.    I hadn't slept most of last night and I was not happy to get this early wake up call (also, my sister works odd hours so she's often up in the very early morning.  She thinks nothing of calling people at 2 or 3 a.m.   Often she is drunk and hysterical.  Often she's in a fight with someone.  She takes it personally when you are not there to "support her".  I've confronted her, and until today, she's stopped calling me like that.  My mother turns off her phone at night.  Dad has been getting the majority of the calls lately).  When I finally got up, I wondered what in the hell my sister possibly could need to discuss with me about my grandma.   It was almost like she was rushing to tell me the "gossip".   She obviously had no impulse control.

My mother also sent text messages.  In one, she asked if I was "doing OK".  Ever since I told her I wanted their drama out of my life, she treats me as if I'm just too fragile and "not strong" enough to deal with stress.  Stress is one thing, stupid drama is another.  In the next texts, she details that all the information she's managed to drum up from one of my relatives that she has contact with.   It really, really pissed me off that she felt I was not adult enough to get the information myself.  That she had to rush and get the "scoop" and get involved.  And that it was all for the sake of being in the middle of everything.  She also tells me that my dad "wasn't very forthcoming" with information for my sister.   And that my sister wants to call my grandma.  WTF?  I want to call and yell for her to keep sister away from my grandmother.  I mean, my sister is unstable, not particularily nice, and the last thing she needs is a call from my long, lost sister.  But I decide it's not my place to tell my sister (through my mother, none-the-less) what to do.  I'm really, really annoyed with both of them.  But I decide to ignore them.

My father calls this afternoon to update me and let me know what's going on (he had another family member's funeral to go to this morning).  He tells me that my sister called him last night screaming and verbally abusing him again for ruining her life.  Now, while I do agree that the period of time my sister is referring to did change our lives forever, and that she needs to process it to move on, I'm not sure how screaming at my dad will change that.  And while my dad can be a self-absorbed, selfish, one-sided person, he has ALWAYS owned up to his part in the divorce and the aftermath.  He has always apologized (a real apology) and claimed his part.  He may not totally get how bad it was, but he's always held himself accountable.  And after 20 years, and a lot of bad choices on my sister's part, she needs to take some responsibility for treating herself.  (And I've got to wonder in all of this, what the hell happened with her cancer?  It's all but been forgotten as far as I know).   My sister yells at my father for not paying child support and rationalizes that this is why he owes her money.  It's all his fault she screams.

And here's the kicker.  My dad tries three times (THREE TIMES) to tell my sister that my grandmother has had a heart attack and is in intensive care.  He told me that every time she just continues to rail against him.  Until he finally has to hang up.  And turn off the phone.  And it's not until this morning that she becomes SO upset about my grandmother that she makes early morning phone calls to me.

I've kind of had it at this point.  This is all so ridiculous in my mind.  All I can think is WTF?  What the hell is going through her little head? I've been wrestling for awhile with all the secrets about my sister that my mom and sister have had me keep from my dad.  How they collaberate in getting him to give my sister money.  How my mom boosts my sister up into believing he owes her something.  How my sister has flown off to visit her very abusive ex-boyfriend not to long ago (once in the city where my father lives.  Sister didn't bother to go visit my dad at this time).   How my sister lies and manipulates to get what she wants.  I struggle with how much this information is none of my business, and not my crap to tell, and I might be a gossip for telling my dad, how I really need to stay out of it and how much she is lying and manipulating my dad to get what she wants.  It's hard to know all these "secrets" of hers.  And to know my dad makes decisions on how to help her that aren't based in knowing the whole truth.   I have struggled with what the right thing to do was.  But today I told him some things.  Today I told him I thought my sister was lying about her cancer.  Maybe not totally, but that things don't add up.  I told him that she is seriously mentally ill and that he needs to quit enabling her.  I told him that she lies and manipulates him.  I stopped short of some of the things I think would've really hurt him.  I'm so conflicted.  I feel like she's been abusing him.  But I also think he's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions on things.

And I can't help but think that in the end, my grandmother's in the hospital and it's all about them again.  Even if it's somewhat unintentional, they've greased the wheels so much that it circles back around to them.  I think my sister is going crazy (well is getting crazier).  I think my mother is feeding her crazy side.  I'm very afraid for what's ahead.  Things just don't feel good right now.

NSis's Greatest Hits

I've written about my relationship with my sister before.  How we grew up, the triangulation, a basic story line.  But I wanted to write out some specific incidents so that I could look at her behavior in totality and not just individually.  Usually, I'm pretty good about doing this with people.  But DH made a very good point in relation to one specific event and a light bulb went off.  I realized how much I excused of her, how enmeshed I was with her, how much she manipulates, controls, and hurts me.

When DH and I moved into our new home, my sister, her boyfriend, my dad and his wife came to visit within days.  It was very stressful for me.  We had been working towards moving in for a year and it kept getting pushed back, until the two events landed virtually on top of each other.  I was a little sad that DH and I wouldn't even get to enjoy the first few days "settling in" but I thought it might be a fun, little "celebratory" way to break in our new home with family.  It wasn't.  NSis and her boyfriend arrived with gifts and flowers and were very thoughtful and helpful.  But it went down hill quickly.  My dad implied that the "gifts" my sister had brought had taxed her financially.  And that I should offer to pay for the food she had brought.  This was the first sign things weren't going well.  Here I was, cooking and entertaining 4 adults (with lots of beer to boot) and I knew that I was being labeled the bad guy for not "chipping in" on her gift.  Then,  NSis's boyfriend started getting on her nerves.  They started to fight.  She complained to me about him, and (in a lapse of judgement) I sided with her (I would later be characterized as being "rude" and making him "uncomfortable").  He was a whiny, lazy man sitting around letting me wait on him and complaining about the meals I served.  He complained that he hadn't gotten to see enough of our town (I hadn't even unpacked in my new home), that he wanted to go out barhopping, on and on.  Then, one night after we had all gone to bed, they get in a screaming match.  One thing led to another and he hoped in his car and left NSis here.  Left her 600 miles from her home.  And didn't look back.  She wakes me up in the middle of the night crying. I spent an hour at 2 in the morning, listening to her "vent".  It was all one sided and she was just spewing at me.    I'm sure I was expected to drive her back home but I couldn't and didn't.  She had to figure it out herself.  DH pointed out yesterday, that I had just moved into a new home.  I had the a lot on my plate.  But she must have felt she wasn't getting enough attention and created some drama.  It was horrible and draining.   Oh, and she ended up getting back together with the douche bag too.

When my sons were born, she promised she would come help.  The first time, she cancelled out last minute. I had expected that from her.  I had texted family around 5:30 in the morning about DS arrival.  She had been awake (having a crisis) and called immediately.  She was happy and excited.  She then asked if I'd called my Dad.  I told her no, that I was waiting until around 6, so that I didn't wake him up so early in the morning.  I didn't think it mattered if I called then or in half an hour and I thought it would be nice not to be woken up early in the morning.  Well, NSis took it upon herself to call.  She told my mother she "felt he deserved to know"  (and oh, the irony considering our current situation.).  She completely stole my thunder.  Making the announcement of my son to my father before I could.  She completely ignored my wishes and did what she wanted to garner attention for herself.   She was a mess when my next son was due, saying she was so worried about taking care of my older son (not that she would be doing it herself.  NM and DH were here).  But as usual, it was all about her.  I thought however, that maybe NM and NSis would cancel each other out in the situation and I could have a nice birth.  When my second son was born, she never said anything about coming.  She just acted like she'd never offered at all.  BUT, she had a crisis with her work, changed jobs, had to move out.  Her life, as usual, was in turmoil.

When it comes to my kids, NM always tells me they are the "light of NSis's eyes".  How much she loves them and cares about them.  Well, she's failed to acknowledge them the last several holidays and birthdays.  For my son's last birthday, she didn't even acknowledge it had happened.  She called several days later but never once said anything about it.  She did talk about how she was struggling, her love life, her moving life, her emotional state.  Never once said a damn thing about it.

She used to call all the time late at night, drunk, and sobbing.  She was always having a horrible problem that she needed to talk to family about.  Needed her family to support her.  It didn't matter that I had to work in the morning, or was up all night with an infant too, or had a family to take care of.  All that mattered was that SHE needed me.  I started turning off my phone.  I told her to quit calling me so late.  I told her that, unless it was an emergency, to not call.  She said she respected that.  But one night, I got a long message detailing what an asshole I was.  What a horrible sister I was.  That I was a snob, living my "perfect" life, and that I could never understand what she goes through.  This is a theme with her and my mother.  The have both said, and implied, that because she is "less fortunate" and I am "more fortunate" in life, that I should give more of my emotional life to her.  That I owe it to her to help her out.  That it is my job to help even us out.  NM gets angry if relatives send me Christmas cards but not her.  She feels they are leaving her out.  I feel  that they send me cards because I maintain relationships with them.  She ignores all of the relatives.  NM feels that I should overcompensate for NSis in life.  That it is my job to bridge life's little speed bumps for her.  That I am blessed with a husband, and home, and family and that she, the less fortunate, should be excused from reciprocating in any way.

When we are together, NSis often expects me to pay for everything.  She often pays one bill.  And then, she must figure she is "good".  She never offers again.  She always orders whatever the hell she wants and expects us to pick up the tab.  If she comes along on activities, she must feel that we should pay because she is doing us the "service" of joining us on our activities.  Activities she can't afford, and if we are rude enough to go some place with our kids she can't afford, we should pay.  She can be very generous at Christmas (well, used too) but then complains endlessly afterward how broke she is.  If she does anything for me, like buy gifts for my kids, she holds me hostage on the phone while she picks them out.

I won't even go into my wedding.  But, long story short, she did every thing she damn well could to start drama, make me look bad, and cause chaos with in the limits of trying to look like the "thoughtful" sister.

She has crisis after crisis.  Medical issue after medical issue.  And she is not responsible for any of it.  She is just the recipient of the short end of the stick.  If I listed out all of the things that have happened to her, just in the last five years, none of you would believe it.  She continues to socialize with horrible people from her past, but then acts like she can't help them contacting her.   She does nothing to try and improve her lot in life (aside from talking about it) and then expects that we should all rally around her.  She drops me if something (or someone) better comes along.  She is so concerned about herself that she rarely, if ever asks about me.  She never acknowledges my husband.  And if she does, she often is annoyed and pissed off at him.  She can become volatile and violent.  I have been, and continue to be, afraid of her rage at times.   She tells me I am a horrible sister, snobby, unwilling to help.  She always tells me she misses me, but makes no real effort to connect with me.  She acknowledges nothing in my life.  She expects me to prioritize her above my husband and kids.   She has never been happy for me for anything I've done.   She expects that if she is not happy, that I should not be happy.  That if she is having a crisis, then it is my crisis.  That if she is going through something, I should drop everything, fall to the floor sobbing for her, and spend every moment finding ways to help her.

I stand at a fork in the road with my relationship with her.  I can not go on like this.   NM thinks I'm too weak to handle things like this.  But in reality, it's the narcissism that I can't handle.  The drama, the chaos, the secrecy, the fishing for sympathy.  The implied obligation, the guilt, the fear of their retaliation should I not support them as they want me to.  The panic mode they send me to.  I will not subject my kids and family to this anymore.  I have to force myself to remember that life does not have to be this damned hard, ALL OF THE TIME.  I'm tired of being held hostage.

Acceptance

I've tried to tell my story to friends on many occasions.  I've tried to explain to others the effects NMIL and NM have had on me through the years.  When people question why I don't leave my kids with the grandparents more, or imply how wonderful it has that I have "such a loving family", to the one's who matter to me, I've tried to explain that it isn't all it looks like.

And the phrase I've gotten more than anything is: "You just need to learn to accept them for who they are."  Get over it.  Let it go.  Accept it and move on.  You can't change them.  And on and on.  Learn to accept them for who they are.

I've always hated that phrase.  It always implied fault on my part.  It always made me feel shameful and blamed.  It made me feel I had a character flaw, a negativity.  I always hated how dismissive it was and overly simplistic.  Like if I just got over myself, then it would all be OK.   And maybe for some people, this is the key.  That they do need to learn to let some things go.  But I have found "accepting" narcissists for who they are only made things worse, allowed them to get at my vulnerabilities.

I believe it made things worse because I didn't understand what "accepting" someone for who they are really meant.  Yes, I did need to accept (and grieve for) people as they are.  I needed to understand that it was not my job to change them.  It is not my responsibility to lift them up to a higher level of living.  It is not my job to determine their reality and hold their hand through creating a relationship with me.  I needed to accept that if they are going to be assholes, that is their choice not mine.

What I DON"T have to accept is their behavior towards me.  They may be assholes, but they are going to do it long distance (to paraphrase a TV doctor).   I can't change them, but I can change how I react and respond to their behavior.  I do not have to accept their abuse.  I do not have to tolerate boundary violations.  I have the right to protect myself, be myself, and stand up for myself.  I have the right to determine where my boundaries are and the consequences of violating them.  I can not change the narcs but I can change the choices I make in response to their behavior.  I don't have to "get over it" and "let it go" when someone repeatedly runs me over, refuses to acknowledge they ran me over, and then puts the car in reverse to back over me again.  I have the right to move out of their path.

And accepting them (and their choices) does not mean that I like them, like what they do, or condone their behavior in any way.  It does not mean I respect them, only their right to choose to be who they want to be.    And if that is a jerk, I respect myself enough to get out of their way.  I have to accept my limitations in the lives of others.  And while I hope that I may influence them, that something I say may be considered by them in their behavior towards me in the future, I can not change them.

So, I'm going to try to stand tall in my conviction that accepting someone does not mean putting up with all their crap.  That I don't have to feel guilty or badly if I choose to remove myself from situations that are toxic and abusive.  That the next time someone tells me that I need to accept someone, I will feel confident in telling them I have accepted them.  And that's why I have the distant, self-protecting, relationship I have with them.

NM's Reward for her Long Suffering

Reading through the blogs, so many repressed memories have come back, slamming me in the face.  So many things that I've just set aside and moved past.  Buried way back inside my head and heart.  But a few days ago, I read lifesizevision's post about discovering his mother's affair, and so many things came back to me.

I really hadn't thought about my mother's affair in a long time.  It had been so totally eclipsed by so many other hurts, abuses, and layers of pain, that it had faded into the background.  In reading lifesizevision's post I  was reminded about how much it had hurt me at the time.  How betrayed I felt.  And I struggled with why I had dismissed this offense and now, hardly even thought about it.

Mom and I had gone to pick up my little sister from a school function.  It was dark, the rain poured down, and my sister was expected at any minute.  And mom dropped the bomb shell.  The next day, my dad would be looking for an apartment.  He'd be moving out.  They were divorcing.  She didn't even have the decency to tell me this face to face, in a place I could process it.  She ambushed me, knowing NSis would be arriving shortly.  Knowing that I'd never let on, as I wouldn't want to upset her.  She offered no explanation, no excuses, no reasons.  Offered me no comfort.

I remember being devasted and scared and confused.  I sat in my room for a long time, probably a month.  I took my Dad's old T.V. from his room.  I came out of my room only to shower and eat dinner.  I remember my Dad checking on me once.  I remember, that for the most part, they left me alone.  No one came for me. I remember Dad falling apart.  My stoic, unemotional, detached dad came apart at the seams.  This terrified me.  But where was my mother?  Absent, gone....

I don't remember how I found out about the affair.  I have some vague recollection that it was my father who told me.  It's shocking to me how much I've blocked out.  Like some war veteran who only has flashbacks.   He was a man my mother worked with.  It had been going on a long time.  There were lots of secrets.  My mother wouldn't answer any questions about what had happened.  We were "children" and didn't need to know what went on, too young to be exposed to that.  Ha.  The irony must have been lost on her that we "children" had already been exposed to it and that she had expected us to grow up and deal with it like adults as we took care of ourselves because she was out cavorting around.

My sister read my dad's journal at some point and told me much later that mom had gone back and forth between this new man and my dad.  Played them against each other.  I always wondered what she had told the new man (now EStep-father, ESF).  I believe she lied and told him it was all over.  When his own daughter had an affair, and married the "new man", ESF disliked this new man greatly.  I wondered how he reconciled that with his own behavior, or how much mom had lied to him to convince him he wasn't that man.

It was another surprise attack when mom introduced us to her new man.  She often left us on the weekends to go be with him and his family.  She never took us along, because it was too early.  So she left us, two broken, damaged teenagers to our own devices for the whole weekend.  She never thought about how much this would hurt us.  How abandoned we felt.  How it was clear she was choosing this "new family" over her own.  She was having a grand old time while we drowned in the mess she left.  I played mom to my little sister.  I fed her, watched her, got her out of trouble.  And my sister was a trainwreck at 14.  Drinking, sneaking out of the house, sleeping with boys, throwing parties at my house.  Problems that would be difficult for an adult to deal with.  But they were my problems now.

So, one day mom pranced into the TV room with new man and new man's kids.  They'd had a delightful weekend.  She gave us no warning.  We were laying around when they walked in.  I remember feeling embarrassed that she had introduced us while we were just relaxing.  She acted like a teenage girl with a crush.  All giddy and smiley and happy.  And she expected us to be too.

We had many arguments about new man.  She argued that I was a selfish, horrible brat.  That I had no right to be angry with him or not like him.  That I OWED HER to be nice to him, accept him as my family, be respectful.  I was not allowed to be angry, or hurt, or upset.  I wan't allowed to have any feelings about the situation that weren't positive.  She reasoned that she had put up with years of abuse from my father and that it was her turn to be happy now.  She had found her "soul mate".  She was finally happy and putting herself first.  And how dare I suggest that she didn't deserve this.  How dare I try to deny her this happiness.  She railed against me for my betrayal of her by not being happy about it.  I see the absurdity now.  She had destroyed my family, betrayed me, my father, and my sister, forced a new man into my life, and I was expected to be HAPPY ABOUT THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.  She never once admitted any wrong doing.  She never once apologized.  What did she have to be sorry about, she reasoned?  She'd done nothing wrong except finally put herself first.  She couldn't even separate out that while her commitment to my father and her betrayal of that was enough, that she had also made a commitment to us, as her kids.  That by abandoning us when we needed her most, selling us out for her new found happiness, abandoning all of her responsibilities as a mother was even more of a betrayal.

When she married the new man, we also were expected to smile, be happy, not rain on her parade.  How dare we have any negative emotions.  This is what made her happy.  She even bullied us into singing her and new husband's wedding song.  It made my stomach hurt.  Torture.  Abuse.  Horrific memories.  She and new hubby had a secret number that they used to use to sign all of their cards.  Some secret code number.  I know, even though she refused to tell me what it signified, that this was the hotel number of the room they would meet up in.  For years, they signed all of their cards with that number.  For years, she would get us rooms at this hotel when we stayed in town.  And I remember vividly how prominently it was displayed on her wedding cake.  I remember thinking at the time how stupid she must've thought me to be.  I remember thinking what a HUGE SLAP IN THE FACE it was.  How I choked on that damn cake.  How I wish now that she had choked on that damn cake.   What a horrible wretch of a person.  Who does that to her kids?  Who betrays them and then demands that they be happy about it?  Accuses them of disloyalty and feigns hurt if the kids dare to have some negative emotions about it?  Who places the blame on her kids for not doing everything they can to make her new marriage and family work out?  Who denies their kids any right to their feelings or reactions?  My fucked up mother, that's who.

Years later, as we continued to fight about it all, she would claim she did it all for me.  She would through it in my face that I was just angry about the divorce if I even disagreed with her.  Like it was some flaw on my part.  And yes, I was angry about it all still.  I'd never been allowed to process any of it.  Never been to therapy (mom would never have taken ME to therapy, what was there to need therapy about, this was a GOOD thing).  The fallout from this one event still rained down around me.  I was being forced to go back to the "way things were", not that they were that way to begin with.  She had no idea how badly she had betrayed my trust, destroyed any notions of what I thought our relationship was, destroyed our relationship period.  She just expected me to move on and get on with things.  And so, if I dared get angry with her, I could have no valid reason, other than the divorce, which I actually had no valid reason to be angry about either.  And then, in one fight, she blamed it on me.  My dad was a horrible man, she claimed.  Angry, no job at the time (he'd been laid off and was going back to college, and was working).  She wanted a "better" life for me and my sister.  New hubby would offer security (monetary).  I was in shock to think that she thought she could just trade out one man for a new man as my father like it was a new pair of shoes.  That she thought I could just disconnect and except the substitute and move on.  That, when backed into a corner, she'd somehow placed all the blame on me.

Epiphanies and Cowards

After a discussion today with another blogger about how a narcissist likes to display herself to the world I got to thinking about my NMIL.  I had discussed how, particularily as of late, she has been dressing way beneath her years.  Not just trying to be young.  But wearing things outfits more appropriate (if even then) for a teenager.  Exposing herself and dressing up in a way to gain attention.  Again, much like a teenager, strutting and preening to gain some desperately needed attention.  That I've seen her try on so many identities like a preschooler in the dress up clothes bin.
And as I did the dishes tonight I thought, how very, very sad for her.  How sad she is and how sad of a person she is.  And how I really ought to feel sorry for her.  But I don't.  And I've never been able to figure out why.  In describing her behavior to my mother once (yes, my own NM, oh the irony) she said "well, she really does sound like she has low self-esteem.  It's very sad."  I thought, well, yeah, it is.  But, why the hell don't I care.  I mean, I'm usually very compassionate for people like this.  I'm a champion of the down-trodden.  And I could see that so many of her behaviors stem from this sad, little place in her.  And for some reason that she is hurt.  And, in other situations, I would have compassion.  I would extend a little for someone like this, cut them some slack.  I mean, to use a completely simplistic example, when my kids are sick, they are not always pleasant to me.  They've raged and yelled and cried and become angry with me.  But I cut them some slack because they are sick.  Why couldn't I do this for MIL?  And then came the epiphany.  Because when my kids are sick, they are not 'attacking' out of a desire to hurt me.  They are like a wounded animal who swipes at you.  They aren't trying to hurt you but protect themselves.  NMIL is trying to protect herself, but she's also trying to hurt me.  The difference is that she believes that because she is hurting, so should everyone else.  I had a flashback to when NM was going through the worst of my Nsis's craziness.  I can vividly remember her crying to me "Why do I have to go through this all alone?!  It's not fair!  If I have to go through this, you and your Dad should have to too!!".  And that's the crux.  It's not bad enough that they are down in the hole.  They are bound and determined to pull you kicking and screaming into the hole too (as any good mother would).  They are going to be miserable, refuse to help themselves, and YOU are expected to keep them company.  If they feel rejected, you are going to feel it too.  If they feel slighted, they'll make you feel slighted.  An eye for an eye.  And that's what makes me so damned angry.  First and foremost, I didn't cause the harm in the first place.  I didn't have a damned thing to do with the hurt and anger and rage they are feeling.  So, for them to direct their "retaliation" back at me pisses me off.  Especially because their is nothing I can do to make that hurt better.  BECAUSE I DIDN'T CAUSE IT.  And secondly, I'm pissed off that they are such cowards that they can't direct their anger where it should be.  NM is so anger and vengeful and resentful against her parents.  She had a right to be.  But she's never said a word.  She's just gone about being the dutiful daughter.  And then playing the martyr for "all that she does" for such "horrible" people, but turns around and makes me pay for it.   I really don't know what NMIL is so pissed off about, as I actually know very little (as does husband) about what her childhood was like (weird, huh?)  Her parents seem like nice enough people, but we all know that "nice" people can be anything but.  And there is enough evidence for me to assume that something happened to turn her into this cold, childish, control freak who is hell bent on making me suffer too.
Well, fuck them.  I'm not your whipping boy anymore.  And I don't feel sorry for you because you are COWARDS.

NMIL Evens Things Out

I feel like I've written more lately about my NMIL than my NM, who is actually much more forthright in her narcissism.  I guess, the reality is, that it's much easier to see it coming with NM.  She doesn't hide it all very well, and she lacks a any subtlety  in the way she goes about it.  The result is that she is a very isolated, lonely person with no friends and little family support.  She is prickly and offensive and if she doesn't have far to stray to isolate herself from everyone.  It was easy to pin her as a NM, easy to see that she contributed immensely to our problems, easier for me not to completely blame myself.  NMIL is much more crafty.  She hides behind her "Christianity" and her kindness and her generosity and her selflessness.  She is tolerated by lots of people.  Often she is more than tolerated.  Many people say they enjoy her (even if she is controlling, loud, overbearing in their words).  Her sons adore her.  I couldn't not pin myself on why I couldn't get along with her.  I thought I just had a very conflicting personality with her.  I thought I was crazy.  Regardless, finally coming to grips with the fact that she has many narcissistic traits and, in my mind, is a full-blown narcissist has freed me.  But I've processed my thoughts on her for a much shorter time as I've only recently come to my conclusions on her.

Anyway, NMIL likes to even things out.  This is a trait she gets from her parents.  She believes all of her children should be equal.  Meaning they should have the same material possessions, experiences, and opportunities regardless of what the child actually contributes.  My husband and I work hard, budget a lot, sacrifice and save, plan, and make good decisions.  For this, we are punished.  We are expected to contribute more than our share to family functions.  We are expected to give more.  We are expected to be more supportive, thoughtful, generous to our siblings as we have been "given" more.  Now, I have NO problem being generous and helping out.  However, I hate being FORCED to be generous to people who make no sacrifices, spend willynilly, save nothing, spend on new cars and expensive things (on credit) and generally do everything they can to NOT further there own position.  My husband's siblings are reckless with money, impulsive, make poor choices and NMIL expects us to help bail them out.

A simple example of this happened after one of my husband's brothers got married.  That evening, me, husband, NMIL, EFIL, two brothers-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt and uncle-in-law, and husbands two cousins went to have a bite and a beer.  It was late.  Husband and I were actually going alone and everyone else invited themselves along.  We were not in an area suitable for children.  So, when we walked into the establishment we were told that the two cousins, who were under age, had to leave.  Again, husband and I were already going to this place, everyone else tagged alone (it had been a LONG weekend and we needed to unwind).  There were no other places besides bars to go.  But NMIL became upset.  Aunt and Uncle were upset.  Everyone complained.  I'm not sure what we were supposed to do, but I got the feeling that we were all supposed to leave.  At the time I didn't have children, but having them now, I know that if this had been the case with me, I would've left.  I wouldn't have expected everyone else to not have a beer at 9:30 at night because of my kids.  Anyway, the kids left but not their parents.  Husband split a sandwich with SIL. He also had one beer.  I had one glass of wine out of a bottle that my other BIL drinks the rest of.  Everyone else orders food and pitchers of beer.  Then the check arrives.  NMIL instantly exclaims that the aunt and uncle should not have to pay.  They were inconvenienced and their pitcher should be bought for them.  She then orders BIL (who drank a bottle of wine and food) to put his money away because he doesn't have any. Husband and I throw down more than enough (by a lot) to cover our half a sandwich, beer, and glass of wine) and a $20 tip (we worked in the service industry and never like to screw a waitress when there is a big party).  BIL and SIL barely cover there bill, no tip.  NMIL and EF barely cover their bill and leave a meager tip.  She forks over no money for the three people she claims shouldn't have to pay.  Of course, we come up short and there is no money for a tip.  NMIL and EF start complaining that they have paid more than enough all weekend and refuse to pay more.  Well, yes, they have paid for hotel rooms, food, the wedding, and a bunch of other stuff.  But not for hubby and I.  We paid our own gas, food, hotel, and all other expenditures.  Husband's brothers have mooched food, free hotels, clothing for the wedding and wine tour fees.  The BIL who got married expected his parents to pay for everything and maintained no budget.  I see why they were annoyed (and in fact, husband and I discussed that BIL was milking money for the wedding before the wedding with his parents).  What I don't see is why that was MY problem.  I don't see why NMILs eyes are boring holes into me and husband.  I don't understand why she expected us (and to be fair, BIL and SIL) to pick up the whole tab.   And she knows BIL and SIL won't pick up more than their share.  As a disclaimer, I have no problem with the money, it had nothing to do with the money.  I have no problem picking up a tab.  I just hate being forced to.  I hate paying a penalty because NMIL feels bad that we chose a place (the only place) that was inconvenient for aunt and uncle.  I don't see why we need to cover little BIL because he "has no money".  I didn't like that EF was complaining about all the money he spent, so NMIL felt guilty and was taking it out on us.  None of this is my problem.  And this wasn't the first (or last) time this has happened.  I just was so tired of being forced to cover for people who wouldn't do the same for me.  Tired of having my hard earned (and hard saved) dollars go to cover reckless people.  Husband and I stood our ground as we'd already payed more than our fair share over the weekend.  We had payed completely for ourselves (plus a lot of extras) but were being treated like moochers.  I was so angry.  Finally, EF states that he just won't tip the waitress since she wouldn't serve the kids.  "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"  I wanted to scream.  So, husband and I threw down $60 more, as I won't screw the poor waitress.  In the end, we pay $100 for a glass of wine, beer, and half a sandwich.   Oh, and all NMIL's guilt and feelings of fairness.