Disconnected

I'm feeling ungrounded lately.  Our of sorts and cranky.  Thoughts and feelings and emotions are swirling around like leaves in a hurricane.  I can't seem to grasp any of them long enough to make sense of them. 

I'm tired, overwhelmed, and lonely.

Making new friends had been hard.  I'm trying.  I've been sorting out friends.  Figuring out who to let go, who to keep.  Realizing that not all friends have to be everything.  Learning to be more patient and less needy.  I'm not really good at that.  I have so few people I can count on that I overwhelm the people that I do have.  I'm feeling horrible lonely.  Mainly because I feel so disconnected.  So on the outside, looking in. 

NM, I've realized, relies on me WAY too much to "fill" her up.  She expects me to be her best friend, therapist, and sounding board all in one.  The woman contacts me almost every day, often several times a day.  She doesn't call (I've written about this, but two years ago I told her that I couldn't spend as much time on the phone.  She quit calling and so I enjoyed the peace and quiet.  And it's been this way every since.  I know she is now PURPOSELY not calling me to make a point: you don't call me, I won't call you.  Fine.)  BUT, I get text messages and FB messages and emails.  And when I don't respond immediately she puts out a search party.  Seriously.  A few weeks back we went away for the weekend.  Her messages got increasingly frantic.  In the past, when she can't get a hold of me, she's called my father, my in-laws, searching for me.  It was very embarrassing.  She's called my sister's co-workers.  I always used to "check in" so she wouldn't "worry".  But I felt controlled and infantilized.  So, I quit.  But, when she can't get a hold of me on any given day, she panics.  It sucks.  And it makes me feel tethered  to responding.

And I know it isn't because she's really worried....about me....she just loves to be worried.  And she's bored. 

I think about all of the people she has in her life.  Just today, she posted a truism on FB about sisters and said how much she loves her sisters.  Good for her.  Then lean on them too.  Quit making me be EVERYTHING to her.  And the truth is, I know their relationship isn't great.  Some of that is her fault, some theirs, but it could be better.  How about her  "soul mate" husband?  How about my sister whom she has a "close" relationship with?  She also has step daughters and step daughters-in-law, some of who have made an effort to get closer to her.  And my step father's aunt wants to hang out more too.  She seems to have WAY more family interested in her than I do in me.  Yet, there she is demanding my time.   I have little to no support.  And it pisses me off how much she depends on me.  Expects me just to be there when ever she texts her fucking pictures documenting her day. 

My youngest's birthday is coming up and their will be the yearly drama.  I hate that this celebration has to be tinged with negativity.  And a lot of that negativity is on my part.  I wish I was stronger and that I could let this all not get to me.  That I could look forward to the celebration and ignore all of the drama mongering. 

I'm anticipating an attack from NM.  She's been acting weird for the past few months.  And then, she posted lots of "my mom the saint" paragraphs on FB (her mom was a grade A narc).   Then, she pulled shit about trying to get my sister and I back together (so she could be the "hero").  Then, she posted pictures of her and my kids together and talked about how much she couldn't wait to see them.  When I couldn't take anymore, I quit responding to 90% of her texts/emails/ posts.  In her eye-for-an-eye mentality, she has quit "liking" any of my pictures.  While I could care less, it is a HUGE red flag that a storm is brewing.  This is a woman who routinely goes through all my pictures a million times and comments and "likes" everything.  She's up to something. 

My oldest finished preschool and is on to kindergarten.  While I'm so happy to see him grown, and I don't want to hold him back, it's painful to think how quickly the time has gone.   I just wish he could spend a little more time being little.  More time being all of the things. 


I'm angry that I spend so much time working through all of this.  I'm angry that it makes me angry and grouchy and that I haven't always been a great mom to my kids.  That time is flying and I don't know if I've enjoyed/appreciated/been present enough in my kids' lives.  That it is so hard to "heal" me while trying to be a good parent for my kids.   It can all be so exhausting and emotionally I can be raw.  And then somebody spills something or won't nap or I haven't slept in a week because someone is sick.  Time has gone SO fast and I haven't been nearly the mom I want to be.  I don't want to cling and hold onto my children, but I do realize sometimes that I don't have many other people in my life.  I don't want to make them the center of my life and overburden them, but I want to enjoy them and fully immerse myself in my family.  It's a hard line to walk. 

I want to be happier and more in the moment and able to ignore all of this shit.  I want to be able to enjoy my kids, be present, and not let the outside weigh on me.  I want to make the best of the relationship I have with my kids and not let the problems I have interfere and strain us.  I want them to have extended family and people who care about them.  Which, let's face it, they didn't have anyway.  My in-laws are supposed to "love" and "care" so much and everyone buys into the fantasy of a happy family, but no one is really there for anyone.  They couldn't even think about their grandson on his birthday and make him a priority. 

Then, you add all the other stressors of life.  Working on your marriage.  Worrying about money.  Thinking about how old I am and how old I'm getting.  (I know, I'm not THAT old, but it still just seems to go SO DAMN FAST.)   I'm trying to make friends.  My grandmother is very sick (but in true dysfunctional family fashion, I'm struggling to get information from anyone.)  I'm sad about that and her (very possible) death soon is bringing up all kinds of memories.  And the issues with my sister (who is always hovering on the periphery it seems) hang over my head too.  There was no finality to our relationship, so it just sits there.  But as  I look back at the extreme fucked-up-ness of our relationship, I don't even know where to begin to fix it.  And it doesn't help that she isn't interested in "fixing" it, but that I just be who she remembers me being.  That's like telling the chicken to get back in the egg.  Even if I wanted to, I'll never be that person again. 

It's just been one little thing piled on after another.

I'm feeling very much like throwing a tantrum on the floor sometimes.  Kicking and screaming that it isn't fair.  That it isn't fair that I have so few people to depend on and am so lonely.  Screaming that I can't deal with it all.  That I'm overwhelmed and tired and just plain sad.  I want to let the tears stream down my face but that's hard to do when you've got two kiddos running around.  I don't want to scare them. 

And now, I need to put down the laptop, get my ass off the couch, and get back to work.  There are clothes to fold, and laundry to do, and party favors to prepare.  There is no time for a tantrum.