I Know What It's Not

PrePost Update : No news on the NSis front.  I haven't had contact since Thanksgiving.  I texted, in response to a text from her, that I needed some time to collect my thoughts and then would have a discussion with her.  She told me that she "respected that".   So, I'm still working on my letter to her, trying to figure out what the hell I want to say.  And as a side note, NM has been quiet.  Very quiet.  Something's stewing in her brain, but I'm unsure what.

So, I've spent a lot of time researching this narcissism thing.  I know the signs.  I understand what it looks like.  I understand what it feels like to be an ACoN.  I understand what a healthy family is NOT supposed to be.

The thing is, I don't know what the hell it is supposed to look like.  What does a healthy family look like?  What does a healthy sibling relationship look like?  I assumed that it would be the opposite of what I had.   I've found it's not that simple.  I'm sure for some of us, it would be the opposite of what they grew up with.   But for me, it's not like that.   I've come across so many ways that a healthy family and an enmeshed/narco-FOO look the same.  I'm struggling to find the dividing line.

I'm struggling to find what a healthy sibling relationship is supposed to be.  How supportive are you supposed to be?  When do you know it's enough?  When do you think it's too little?  I don't have a lot of good role models.  DH and his brothers had an enmeshed or unilateral relationship.  He says he has always felt like the "adult" in the relationship.   Often, the relationships (including with the SILs and between the SILs) has been managed and directed by my MIL.  She likes to assign rolls...and rules, and regulations, and standards.    I told my on NM, recently in fact, that DH and I often feel like we are adults and our siblings seemed so much younger than us.  People who depend on us, expect us to pay for everything, treat us more like parents or older relatives than like contemporaries.  She became stiff and seemed offended and seemed to imply with her tone that I was being a snob or something.  She said something to the effect that that was ridiculous and that as everyone got older, age didn't matter and you all just relate on an "adult" level.   But not one of our siblings relate to us on an adult level.  I've never felt like we were "equal" (and I don't mean that in a snobby way, just that the relationship seemed out of whack.)  I find it ironic that NM could recognize how adult siblings should act towards each other, but didn't see that it wasn't that way at all.

How do you have a close family without being enmeshed?  I see so many, so many, families around me that seem more enmeshed than close.  DH grew up in a "close" community.  They pride themselves on being "family oriented and dedicated to their community".  But something strikes me about it as off.  Lots and lots of people from that community drink far too much.   Lots of people stay stuck in the community and never leave.  And those that do, get sucked back in.  I know that feeling part of the community is good for a lot of the people, but when does it cross the line of becoming unhealthy?   DH looks around and sees a lot of families just like his.  Weird, a bit crazy, but everyone assumes they are "close".   I see DH's family as having an undercurrent of anger and resentment, just below the surface.  I don't see brothers whom are really close and supportive and there for each other.  I see brothers who take from each other because that's what family does, and expect to be granted whatever they ask for.  Brothers that don't acknowledge each other's birthdays (DH only recently quit, after years and years of his brothers' ignoring his birthday).  I see one sided relationships and entitlement.  I see brothers that show up when it's convenient   Which, sometimes, should be how it is right?  They shouldn't have to jump every time someone else in the family says jump, but they should help out sometimes when another needs it.  I don't know.

I want my boys to be close.  My MIL already started pushing my son and his cousin to being "friends".  Lots of relatives make statements assuming they will be close.  It annoys me.  Let the kids grow their own relationships for fuck's sake.  And I want my boys to develop their own relationship with each other.  But I want to encourage them too.  Encourage them to be nice and kind to each other.  I think siblings make good people to "try out" socializing on.  To practice.  But is that wrong of me?  I think it's good for my older son to sometimes assume responsibility for his baby brother; it's good to learn to care for others.  But I don't want him to think it's his job.   I don't want to excuse his baby brother for things, and lay the "you're older and should know better" business.  But I want to make sure I don't let him skate either.  I love that my younger son always makes sure he gets his brother's water bottle too when he get's his own and takes it out to him.  I like him to be compassionate.  But I don't want either one to always have to be worried or care for each other.  Again, with my niece, my in-laws have stated that it'll be great that my son can protect her from boys when she gets older and "watch out for her".  This pisses me off.  Why should she be his job?  I don't want him getting into trouble over her.  But I do think it's good to stick up for your family at times.  Again, I don't know.  I'm just struggling.

What does a healthy relationship with siblings or parents look like to you?  What kinds of things can I encourage between my sons?  What should I avoid?