Changes with NM

So.  NM.  Was it better.  No, not particularly.   Did she get to me?  No, not particularly.

I'm getting to the point where I've pretty much emotionally detached from her.  I don't feel this aching need for her to get me or understand me or validate me.  I'm unwilling to accept any sort of "love" or "caring" from her, as I know it isn't real (or is fleeting).  She doesn't work me up (as much) emotionally.  Sure, she's still annoying as hell, but I'm don't get overworked and over raw around her.  I've learned to LEAVE the scene when I can't take anymore (I disappeared for chunks of time over the weekend.  She only came "looking" for me once.   I did not allow her to amp up the drama.)

It's interesting watching her from a much more distance, unemotional place.  She is. such. a. child.   It's amazing to me the many ways this woman can bring things back to herself.  I mention I'm not thrilled with my son's kindergarten teacher.  "OH!  Not like YOUR kindergarten teacher, huh!"  She seems to take personal responsibility for my teacher, like she GIFTED the woman to me.  She also did this with when I mentioned my sons doctors and how I was switching.  She completely MISSED the points I was trying to make and never asked WHY I was switching or felt uneasy with the teacher.   In the past, this would've made me feel invalidated and angry.  But this time, shrug.  I told her that I had little memory of either of these people, which annoyed her. 

Every conversation turns around to what she would do, how she did it, or what it was like when I was a kid (because, apparently, I can't remember how SHE did things as a mom).  Everything is said in a way that clues me in that she believes she's giving advice.  Propping herself up.  Patting herself on the back.  I rarely begin conversations at all because she doesn't listen and will tune into her phone or the kids.  This used to annoy me too, but now I just say "Are you listening?"  When she nods and "ummm hummm" I say "no you're not".   Then, I stop the conversation.  Even if she tells me to continue.  Nope, you had your chance.  It gets tiring listening to her was poetic about herself, disguising it as conversation. 

She also demands TONS of attention.  She gets pissy and complains if the kids spend too much time with her husband.  But then she gets pissy and complains when OS takes up "too much" of her attention.  Or puts demands on her.  Once, when the kids and I asked her to come outside and look at something, she purposely procrastinated.  In the past, I would've fumed.  This time, when OS complained that she wasn't coming, I said "Do you know the kids are waitng for you?" and then to my son "I guess she's not interested."  She likes to be asked to do things and then to stall.  I'll have to remember this in the future.  She keeps bringing up people no one cares about and making huge announcements about what is going on (her coworker's daughter was getting married and NM was very involved in the drama, texting for updates and then expecting our rapt attention as she discussed it.)  She kept bring up the same trivial bullshit over and over (SD!  I'm so worried about the weather and we may not be able to camp out next weekend.  She brought this up every day and stressed over the weather report.  She made us go shopping for camping equipment.  It would really be comical how she demands so much attention if it wasn't so annoying).

She's also profoundly negative.  How she describes things, even when not intending to be a bitch, comes out pissy.  For example, DH and stepdad were going to go somewhere and NM asked "Or will OS throw a fit because he can't go."  It's the "throw a fit" part that gets me.  It's an awful negative characterization by my standards.   When we were leaving for OS's game, she came up and started nagging Stepdad (SD) , saying "Do you still have to brush your teeth?!?  Well you better get going!!! We are leaving soon!!"  Then she stood there patting herself on the back (out loud) for "taking the reins".  She went on and on about how she had to lord over stepdad and keep him on track (which is untrue.  SD is very considerate and (mostly) thoughtful (he has been known to pout) and always is ready on time.  The whole situation was very emasculating for SD, in my opinion, and NM would not let it go.  She gets this gleeful expression when she does stuff like this and thinks she's being 'strong" and "in charge" and hides it behind the fact that "he's being rude and inconsiderate of Jessie and DH".  Lots and lots of shaming go on around her.  I've learned to ignore her when she does this or walk away.  Before she'd try and haul me into participating, but I ignore it.   Interestingly, since I've begun to stand up to NM, my relationship with SD has improved.  His much kinder, no longer snarks at me, and seems considerate and interested in me.  (Side note, my father and I's relationship has also improved once I removed myself from all of the drama with my sister.)  I assumed SD would attack me for taking on NM, but he seems to be grateful for it. 

I also notice that NM requires CONSTANT validation.  She forces people to agree with what she says.  For example "I also do such and such, don't I SD, don't I!"  It's not a question.  Poor SD always just nods.  It's like watching her use him as a mirror in real time.  She says something and then forces "the mirror" to reflect it back by agreeing with her.  I quit doing this too.  I either ignore her questions, or give a contrary opinion.  Not to piss her off, but because that's how I feel. 

She also is quite contradictory, speaking out of both sides of her ass.   In the midst of a conversation she said that she "likes having my kids grown and gone.  I like my life and having it to myself. I don't want to go back to parenting and take care of kids all of the time."  And then two seconds later she talked about how she would drop everything to care for her grandsons all of the time. 

After the soccer game, NM knew I was upset.  I decided to let her see how I was feeling.  (I know TW, don't kill me.)  I had no expectations of validation, gave no information that would make me vulnerable, but (factually) explained what bothers me and express the appropriate emotions with it.    I'm sick and tired of either hiding my emotions or pretending it's OK.   I know that this opens NM up with information, but I don't care.  She already had the information and could clearly see what was going on.  I expressed how ANGRY I was with MIL at the game.   I didn't allow NM to comfort me (I pushed off all hugs she tried to give me.  Fuck that.  And some hug from NM wasn't going to wipe away my emotions.  I actually think showing her my emotions bothers her.  Another reason I don't mind not hiding them from her.)

The first incident the following day came when she brought up a family reunion she wants to plan with her FOO.  This FOO of is VERY dysfunctional, not close and has rarely gotten together.  Plus, NM wants NSIS to be there.  She asked what I thought, all bubbly and excited.  I said "good luck with that.  Your family doesn't seem to be the "family reunion" type."  (Plus, she's already told me that they were struggling to agree on doing it.  No one wanted to take it on....because no one really wants to do it.  I'm sure they think it sounds as uncomfortable and fraught with tension as I do.)  This pissed NM off and she started arguing that my perceptions were wrong.  Well, so be it.  Then, she went on and on about the plans for it.  I ignored it and finally turned my back.  (I was making cupcakes at the time, and one batch came out completely wonky.  The first ones were good, but the last few I'd completely messed up.  I told DH you could see the evolution of the conversation in those cupcakes.)  This pissed her off more and she bustled outside to make a phone call.  I'm guessing to NSIS (who the fuck else would she call.  She has no friends and has no one she needed to call. )  She never said who she was talking to, but was out there for an half an hour (she also used to do this, calling me when frustrated while visiting NSIS, so it's a habit for her).   I'll admit, it pissed me off.  She also used to have a habit of calling NSIS the second BEFORE she would walk into my home to visit.  She would spend the first ten minutes of a visit with us describing me, my house, and everything to my sister before she would even greet me.  I hated this.  And you can't call her on it.  She just says "aren't I allowed "me" time?!"  When the kids complain she's on her phone instead of playing she says she's "tired".  I told her last time that she always says how much she doesn't get to spend time with the kids, that it seems a shame to waste time she IS with the kids on her phone. 

The next day, she cornered me as we all prepared to go out for a walk.  She does this often to force "alone time" on me.  She calls it "mother - daughter" time when my son asks where we were (almost implying my son is being obnoxious for asking it, like he's annoyed that I got NM's attention.  Which maybe he is, he's six and likes to be played with.  But she reacts as if he's doing something selfish and uncaring. Just another example of how she her reactions are skewed in a negative way that makes the other person feel shamed.)

She kept flitting around from topic to topic.  First asking about my grandmother who is dying.  I've avoided the topic in the past, but I know she knows now.  I gave her the information I have: she's dying, I don't know when, I don't know of what type of cancer, and I don't know how she is (this is a whole other story).  NM starts in on what my she told my sister to do.  Starts pestering me about questions about my dad.  I close off.  She flits to another topic: my dad.  Asks if he came to visit this year.  I say no.  She starts to give an opinion on my father, how he should take time off, how he should visit my sister (even though she visited him instead, the first time in SEVEN years.  But of course he is expected to dance around my sister too), blah, blah.  I've been down that road.  I say "yes, I wish he visited more.  But it's his loss and I can't force him to do more than he does."  I show no emotion, I state the facts, and then I quit responding.

She says some more crap.  Then she brings up her father, an alcoholic, asshole of a man who has is spoiled and has always expected his own way.  He was a horrible father and a piss poor grandfather (he wasn't mean to us, but could care less.  He's done some kind things for me in the past, but he's not, by any stretch, a good grandfather.  I have few feelings towards him except mild kindness and duty. Note: not obligation, but duty.)  She says that he brought up that he felt like a horrible dad.  NM gets up on her soap box again (I really don't know how to explain this.  She takes this odd, mature, superior tone where she acts as if she's schooling all of us.  It's sort of like a lecture.   I suppose with her family, she is imparting wisdom, but for me, it just seems ridiculous. )  She said she told grandfather "we got both good things from you and bad things dad.  It wasn't all bad...." blah, blah.  I appreciate that she's seeing him from a continuum, but I actually feel she's glossing over the bad things.  Like she's "balancing" things out.  I do not believe that good things, balance out bad.  I'm finally able to see that my childhood DID have good things in it, that I took lessons from both my mother and father, that she wasn't awful, all the time.  But I certainly wouldn't level it out and say that it was OK.  And it seemed she was saying this all to seem superior rather than any real understanding of what she was saying.  And I couldn't stop myself.  Matter of factually, I said "but he wasn't a good dad.  You maybe have gotten a good work ethic from him, but he was a horrible father."  She sputtered.  "And he was a piss poor grandfather."  She sputtered again, regrouped and started in on her lecture again about how to "properly view parents in good and bad light" and how my grandfather blames my grandmother for all the "bad" traits in the kids.  I kept all emotion out of my voice and again said "he was not a good grandfather and she was not a good grandmother."  She stopped and then, like a switch, agreed with me.  But not because she got it, but because it gave her a moment to vent about him.   I said "he is a spoiled, selfish man who only focuses on himself. "  And then there she was back to the childish NM, bitching about how awful he is, how horrible he was, how spoiled he is.  It was rather crazy to watch in real time. 

And then DH and SD and the kids came back.  She lost "her moment".  I felt SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.  I dislike these moments of being trapped by her, but at least I am no longer afraid of them.  She can't drag me down.  I didn't respond emotionally and was able to think about things before I responded.  I also didn't allow her to feed me a lot of bullshit.  I spoke my truth.

Also, when I talked to her about MILs behavior at the party (NM FORCES me to drive with her.  She loads all of the party shit in her car before I have a chance, and when I, repeatedly tell her no, she argues.  Last time, I was able to get my way, this time I could care less.)  She told me that all the things I'd told her about MIL (I gave her very factual, concrete examples of her behavior.  In the past, I've fluttered around my feelings and have been unable to say WHY MIL bothers me so much.)  NM said "maybe I shouldn't be so nice to her tomorrow."  (I may have mentioned that NM and MIL like to pretend that they are going to be friends.)  In the car going to the party, she told me how much it bothered her to hear I'm treated like that.  (Which is crap, she's heard it all before.  And while it bothers her and she's said it bothered her before, she still makes 'nicey-nicey' with MIL.)  So, at first, NM goes on attack mode with them.  Purposely trying to be snarky to them.  Then, she tells me at one point MIL was annoying her and going off, so IN ORDER TO TRY AND DEFLECT THAT, NM pulled out her phone and started showing MIL pictures of an accomplishment in which she's being publically recognized (and lord, was I sick of hearing about that).   I thought it so messed up that NM's solution to MILs arrogance and intrusions and selfishness is just to talk about herself.  I guess she fights "fire" with "fire".    MIL, for her part, tolerates NM and politely nods and smiles her phony smile (I wish I could describe it.  It's a smile, but there is a hint of smirk in it, along with panic and anxiety and contempt).   

I find it interesting to watch how NMs reaction to them treating me badly is to talk about how it upsets HER.  But then when she can support me, she doesn't (I did tell MIL she was wrong about the theme of my son's party.  NM told MIL she had been calling it the same thing.  Thanks for the support NM!)  She kept trying to pull me in for a hug, which I resisted.    Her hugs feel like a cheap band aid and method for her to feel like she's doing something.  She said "it's OK to accept a hug."  Um, nope.  It's not, from you NM.  Because that puts me in a vulnerable position.  I can speak my truth, but I will not accept her compassion, as that puts me at risk of being hurt.  She offers no verbal support.  She offers no validation.  She offers lots of "you should just do this".   She clearly has no ability to really support someone.  I'm glad I did it.  I don't worry about retribution.  I didn't feel vulnerable to her.  Will she use this?  Most likely.  But I want her to know that she, NSIS, and everyone else aren't the only ones who are dealing with things and working through life.

Other than that, she pulled a couple messed up things with the kids.  She brings piles of presents.  And she always gives gifts of the "theme" (for example dinosaurs) to the kid who is less interested in that.  (So, for example, she'll give some dinosaur stuff to OS - who is very interested - and more to his brother.  She feels that "it's not fair for OS" to get all of that stuff -like he's "hogging" the interest or something.  Again, assigning negative intentions to harmless behaviors.)  This time, when my boys protested in front of her the unfairness (she also managed not to get right something I very specifically told her was necessary to get a specific toy.  She asks for tons of ideas but always fucks up one or two.  This isn't due to an accident.) I let them.  Before,  I would've stressed out about her thinking my kids are ungrateful.  She's going to think that regardless.  So, I let them say how they felt.  I reminded my kids later that "Grandma struggles with what is fair and doesn't understand that.  I would hope that you would express gratitude, but your feelings are valid and I understand why you would feel that way.  And you are always able to tell me how you feel."  It pisses me off she disguises these little jabs in presents. 

My OS also confronted her for calling him a brat.  He said (to DH and me) "Hey mom.  We were playing and (little brother) wanted something I didn't want to give him.  I heard grandma tell LB that I was being a brat, but she said she called me a (and damn, I can't remember what the word was but it was something that sounded like brat but was less innocuous).  NM immediately argued that she was right.  And then when she knew she'd been caught and I repeatedly told OS that that was NOT OK.  And that Grandma -and everyone -should refrain from calling names.  And that I understood why that would bother him.  Then she tried to tell me that "brat" wasn't a big deal (she and SD come from people that think calling kids "turds" "brats" "spoiled" or "babies" is OK.  MIL and FIL also feel that way.  I know some people feel it's not a big deal, but I DO.)  I immediately told her YES, it is, don't do it again.  I know it sucks -and some people will have judgement- that I allow her around my kids when she says/does this shit.  But I am proud that I've taught my sons to stand up, to confront, to call them on the bullshit and that I will support them in that.  That I will protect them from that as best I can.  (Also, NM is off babysitting duty.  She is rarely allowed alone around my kids.)  I'm trying to do the best I can (DH insists kids have access to their grandparents and that they will resent me for keeping them from their grandparents.  And OS actually really loves NM and likes her to come.   So, I sometimes feel stuck.  Plus, I can't protect them from every narcissist out there, so I hope this teaches them some tools.)  But maybe that's all rationalization and excuses.

So, that's why I called a therapist today.  I'm overwhelmed at talking to someone.  I feel afraid, for some reason.  I worry she will not believe me.  I spoke to her, briefly on the phone today.  When I said that both my mother and MIL are narcissists she, in disbelief said "BOTH of them?!"  I said yup.  She quickly regrouped and said "well, you know, that isn't actually that surprising.  I can see how that happened."  Is that a good sign or a bad sign?  I hyperventilated for an hour after making the appointment, pacing and teary-eyed.  I'm looking forward to having outside perspective, but I'm terrified of being told I'm wrong.  And that it is all me....

Burying the Hatchet

NM arrives today for the weekend (for kiddo's birthday party).  She'll be here an extra day this time.  I'm trying not to be anxious.

I'm feeling so much better about her coming.  Well, not about her coming, but I'm handling myself better.  Still, the thought of all weekend with NM (and sprinkles of MIL too.  Lucky me!) is dire.  I'm trying to remember that allowing them to suck all of the happiness and joy out of me is letting them control me.  That I am still allowing them to be the center of my attention and focus, even if it is for negative reasons.

I'm guessing too that NM will bring up my sister and I'm not looking forward to that.  I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately.  I saw a picture she posted of herself and NM, with the caption "love my mama!"  I think this is odd, as she didn't ever call her "mama".  NM posted photos a month back of her trip to see NSIS with the caption "with my baby!  Happy mama!"  This whole "mama/baby" crap made me want to vomit.  It was a very visual representation of the relationship they have with each other: a mom and her BABY.  Not her grown, adult, in her 30s daughter.  But her BABY.

Looking at the photo, I was struck by how much I DO NOT miss being in their relationships.  They are both snuggled up, giggling.  I remembered how silly, infantile, and gossipy their relationship is.  Goofy, and not in a good way.   I always felt so out-of-place making myself behave that way.  Sure, I can act silly, but I often felt like we were teenage girls instead of grown women.  I do not, can not, go back to being like that.

And the thing is, I do not miss my sister.  What would their be to miss?  The drama, the chaos?  The fear?  I remember very few times I had a good, relaxed time with my sister.  I always felt on edge.  Always worried she would blow.  Always concerned she would get angry and freak out.  And now that I have kids, I can not risk that anymore.  I can not risk her screaming at her boyfriend and having a huge fight in front of them (like she did the last time she was at my house).  I can't risk her screaming at me.  I can't risk her playing with them and then becoming "bored" and focusing on herself (like she did when my OS was an infant/small baby).   I tried so hard to convince myself I enjoyed her company.  But I rarely did.

And the thing is, NM just does not get that.  She continues to believe/tell herself/project that my sister and I just had a "spat".    She recently mentioned a family reunion next summer in which she hopes me and my sister would both go.   She had hoped my sister and I would both attend a "family photo shoot" this past summer.  I just don't get it.  How in the world does she think that will go?  That we will just show up, fall into each other's arms and all will be OK?  I know, for the photo shoot, she had some fantasy that we would come together "for her (NM)", put our "pettiness" aside for the "bigger picture" and all that b.s.   I wondered how she thought we could just show up, after not talking for two years, almost three, and suddenly stand in a photo together like one big happy photo.

After she mentioned the reunion, I was feeling panicked and pressured.   Sure, I'd like to see some of these relatives (although there isn't much "family" about this family.  It's all scattered, dysfunctional, and tense.  At my grandmother's funeral, everyone kept their distance and never got together afterward, just went off in separate directions.)  But I just couldn't fathom how I could be around my sister.  The odds of her flying off shift on me would be HUGE (I mean the powder keg of ammunition against me is huge.  Even if NSIS came with the intent to get along, I know how easily I could piss her off and she'd lose it.  I don't really feel like having a conversation about her estrangement amongst a bunch of relatives I hardly associate with.)  And I can't just go be "buddy-buddy" and pretend everything is OK.  Two summers ago, NM tried to push me into picking up my sister and her boyfriend and bringing them to another family reunion (and provide them a place to stay with us).  We hadn't talked in a year at that point.  I wondered WHY NM thought I had that responsibility or should accept it. 

I know NM thinks I need to "forgive and forget" and that "life is short" and every other platitude that glosses over the reality of it.  The fact is, I HAVE tried everything to have a relationship with my sister.  I forgave, forgot, forgave, forgot and forgave again.  Over and over and over.  For things that my sister never apologized for and never really felt remorse for.  Things she never even admitted doing: stealing from me, allowing others to steal from me, beating me up, sleeping with my boyfriends.  I excused and forgave her for all the times she directed the spotlight away from me: on my wedding, during the birth of my children, when I moved into my new home.  Every single time she created drama or a scene or somehow stole the spotlight and focused it back on her.  And I forgave her.  I used all of NM's excuses for NSIS: she's jealous and doesn't know how to express it, she feels left out, she doesn't understand, her life has been hard lately, she didn't MEAN to hurt you, it's hard for her to see you get all of these things and makes her feel badly about herself......you get the idea.  I excused her over and over and over.  I thought I could help her "get better" and then, if I could just tough it out, we'd finally have the relationship I hoped for.  Or any relationship other than the one we have.  At least one where NSIS seemed to give a shit about me.

I spent the better part of THREE decades "trying".  In all of this time, NSIS did very little to contribute to our relationship.  She continued to take whatever she could get off of me (that she felt entitled too, as I am supposed to "support" NSIS as I am her sister).  She allowed me to pay for a lot, called in the middle of the night (screw the fact that I had work the next day), called and bitched for hours but never once asked about me or my kids.  She would ignore my husband or kids whenever she felt threatened that they might take up some of my attention.   During times I could have used her support, she dangled it out there, but then yanked it back, saying it would be too much for her to take off work/spend money to visit/ call me.  And I let that go.  I accepted whatever crumbs my sister wanted to throw at me and called them a feast.  And in return I helped her whenever and however she needed me.  (Sure, I wasn't ALWAYS there like NSIS would claim I should've been, but I really tried as hard as I could to do everything I could.)

And, in the end, the relationship was the same as it always was.  Lopsided, off balance, and toxic.  I do not miss the stress and the drama.  I don't miss the fear of hoping she'll behave in front of my friends and family at important times in my life.  I am not sad she is not at my sons' birthdays.  She's mean and glares at people and can be intimidating.  She is Unfriendly.  I don't miss having to gloss over that and pretend she's not that way.  I don't want to go back to the fear that she will hurt me or verbally abuse me (especially in front of my kids).  I don't want to go back to my kiddos seeing me cry when I get off the phone.  I don't want to go back to hyperventilating every time she called, as I never knew what to expect (some new HUGE crisis, or a verbal tongue lashing, or a lengthy discussion about how hard her life is while I tried- in vain- to console her.)

NM just doesn't get that.  And I don't think she's every cared to ask me how I feel, what I need, or what my concerns are.  Her concerns have always been for NSIS and doing what I can to placate NSIS.  I think NM secretly fears NSIS going further off the deep end and expects me to help "anchor" NSIS....or at least, not provide provocation.  I'm tired of stuffing myself down in order to prop up NSIS.  And I don't want to do it anymore.   And there is no way to explain that to NM.  Sigh.

Call Me Crazy

So, a situation came up in the past few days that I think highlights the difficulty of being an ACoN and being involved with narcs.  For many, many people, I don't think they'd ever understood why this ticked me off.  And if I told the story to someone off the street, they'd probably think that it is more "my" issue than my in-laws being inconsiderate. 

My younger son's birthday is a few months away.  I've begun making plans for his party.  I have gotten myself entangled into family parties (parties in which the grandparents and some of the aunts and uncles as well as some family friends come).   I like throwing the parties for my kids, I like doing something special for them, and I like to create a special experience for them.  The grandparents have always felt that they wanted to come (both my mother and my in-laws).  I had planned to reserve the party this week (and pay a deposit). 


So, yesterday, DH and BIL met up at the park with the kids.   During the conversation, DH asked BIL about a Disney trip they mentioned they were planning.  BIL and SIL had both told us months ago that they were wanting to do a Disney trip with both sets of their kids' grandparents (BIL's parents are DH's parents, and obviously, also my kids' grandparents.)   BIL told DH that they would be leaving the weekend before my sons' birthday and coming back on the weekend of his birthday.  My MIL and FIL are going with them (but not SIL's mother now). 

So, if this was a normal family, you'd just schedule a different time for our party, happy for their trip.  And maybe that's what I should do.  I could see how I could be accused of over reacting and just making this about expecting them to meet my needs.  One could say that I don't have a right to expect that they would consider my son's birthday when making their vacation plans.

But here are my gripes:

*My son's birthday is not a surprise.  The birthday parties are not a surprise.  We have had one for all my kids' birthdays (7 total) for the past 5 years.  BIL, SIL, their kids, MIL, and FIL have attended everyone (as they live in town).  We got to every one of their kids' birthday parties.  We think that it's important, as they are our FAMILY.  We always make a point (even though it is a really busy time of year) to keep their birthday weekend open.   (I should say that BIL and SIL don't seem to think it's a big deal for aunts and uncles to come.  In fact, they upset BIL's younger brother last year by telling him he could NOT come because they had to many "other" people coming.    BIL and SIL are all about making impressions and will push aside family for random people.  And they'd never miss a friend's kids birthday if they thought it would upset their "friends".)

*Most of the birthday parties have been upstaged by some drama on the part of my in-laws: The first one, BIL and SIL were well over an hour late.  MIL lied to us and said it had to do with her mother going to the hospital.  I found out later that SIL was so angry at MIL for stopping by her house before the party, that she had refused to come to my son's birthday (I'm not really sure WHY being angry at MIL was a good enough excuse for not coming to her nephew's first birthday, but she seemed to think it was.)  MIL and FIL spent the first few hours putting together the wagon they bought for my kid.  SOOOO, we spent the first two hours of a party that was only supposed to be two hours waiting on them.   At my second son's first birthday, MIL decided to invite some long lost relative (because they called her and she couldn't say no) to my son's intimate party.  It served to be a huge distraction.  At one party, SIL and BIL didn't show up until later, as they decided to go suitcase shopping instead (I caught the drift that SIL thinks that since it's a "kid's party" she didn't need to be there, even though he is her nephew.)  She sent the kids with my in-laws, who then were on babysitting duty (not that they did that, they plopped them with me) instead of celebrating my son.  When SIL and BIL did show up, there was so much tension between the two of them that neither one spoke to me or DH and then they promptly left.  They completely drew all the attention to themselves.  One party, MIL occupied herself by discussing the final moments of FIL's mother's death with every guest.  They are generally late, don't help, and always seem to create some sort of drama around themselves.  Last year, MIL complained that we didn't tell her soon enough about my older son's party (we told her over a month in advance) and she'd "almost scheduled something that weekend".  His birthday party is damn near the exact same every year, did it not occur to her that it might be around that time?  And doesn't the phone work both ways?  Couldn't she call and ask US?  Last year, she also tried to get us to rearrange our younger son's date to accommodate when she was in town babysitting my niece and nephew ("oh, it's not this weekend, but the following?  Oh."  Can you almost hear the big sigh.   Apparently having my son's aunt and uncle in attendance wasn't a big deal.)

*NO ONE BOTHERED TO CALL AND TELL US THEY SCHEDULED A TRIP.  I mean, fine, go on your little vacation together.  But do you think you could give us a call and let us know?  It feels an awful lot like they are not thinking about us at all.  MIL surely knows it's DS's birthday.  Why not call and give us a head's up?  It makes me feel like my son isn't a priority at all.  Like we don't even register on their "radar".  And I could give her that she's just "spacey" except she managed to schedule my FIL's birthday party months in advance. 

*If this wasn't the millionth time that we have been expected to just "rearrange" our plans to accommodate them, it wouldn't bother me so much.  But we are always an "afterthought".  We are always expected to work around them.  They don't seem to care much about making sure they are their for OUR kids at all.  BIL and SIL suck up MIL and FIL's time all the time (not that I really care, but the point is that it's HUGELY unbalanced).  I rarely ask anything of them, and they can't make it a priority at all. 

*These people talk and talk about how great a family they are, how wonderful they are together.  But it feels an awful lot like it's all on THEIR terms, on THEIR schedule, and revolved around THEIR needs.  They make no effort to accommodate anyone else (by not "popping in", not expecting us to just drop everything to do what they want, by not bothering to call and COMMUNICATE with us what is going on.  BIL and MIL just make plans, and we get whatever is left over.  Always.  MIL doesn't call and try and make plans with just us, or to see what we are doing.   I know, it works both ways and I don't call THEM to make plans - I don't want to make plans with them - but I find it interesting that MIL doesn't EVER bother to make plans to do anything with us when it is not an "add on" to something else she is doing.)

*And this one is a bit petty, because I really don't WANT to go with them....but I thought it was interesting they'd plan a "family Disney trip" and not even bother to see if we wanted to go.  Our kids are the exact same ages.  And they are they only grandkids of FIL and MIL's.  Is it a bit weird that they didn't even consider that we might like to go too (which I don't, but it feels like they are sucking up all of FIL and MIL"s resources for their own kids, and not thinking about our kids at all.  Again, I'd rather cut off my pinkie finger than vacation with MIL, but they don't seem to think about our feelings.)  And while I could expect that from BIL and SIL and not think too much of it, why has MIL not said anything about the trip to us?  (And for the record, MIL and FIL had to pay their own way and had to split the cost of the condo and trip.  It also is not a coincidence, in my book, that SIL's birthday happens to fall during the same week.  I'm guessing she and BIL plan to sneak away and leave the kids with the "babysitters".   SIL and BIL have always used their parents as "nannies" and depend on them to take the kids a lot. )   MIL and FIL are both retired and don't have tons of funds...I can't imagine they'd want to travel to Disney again.  Like I said, it's petty, because I don't want to go with them, but I find it messed up that the whole family would pack up and do a "family trip" over the top of my son's birthday. 

So, maybe I'm being petty.  Maybe I'm being ridiculous.  Maybe it's not a big deal to move it to another weekend.  I guess I'm just so sick of the chaos they seem to create around every party.  Is it that hard?  Are their nephews and grandsons so unimportant that they don't even think about it?  Am I being ridiculous or are they just truly selfish people?

For the record, DH said fuck them this time.  If they can't make an effort, than we will plan the party without them.  I was a bit surprised, but am feeling glad that he can finally see through this bullshit.  It's not a huge thing, but it the continual disregard for us at all that drives me crazy.  It is this pattern of them not making us a priority.  I don't need it all the time.  I don't need to "be in control".  But it would be nice if someone consider us at all.  If we weren't just "scenery" they move around at will.  It's so very subtle and I could be considered over reacting, but I just can't shake that we don't really matter at all.

Their Own Worst Enemy

I will never stop being amazed at how DIFFICULT narcs need to make everything.  How complicated, drama filled, over the top, and generally filled with lots of nothing for the sake of attention they have to make every little interaction.

Christmas (and the holidays) were....manageable. In addition to Chrismas and New Years, I also have to deal with NM's birthday, MIL's birthday, my birthday, NSis's birthday, my father's birthday, my niece and nephew's birthday (and the party full of DH's narc laced FOO it entails), and my BIL's birthday, all between Thanksgiving and New Year's.  MIL also crisscrosses to relatives homes, traveling through my town several times in the month.  She also has to make a "special" trip to drop off the gifts (because it would be TOO easy to drop them off during my niece and nephew's birthday party).  This year, she manipulated a "family gathering" at my BIL's house that was nothing short of exhausting.  In an email about it to my friend Kara, I said it was like spending an evening in the monkey house at the zoo, and I think the description is MORE than apt.   The holiday season is a field of landmines waiting to go off.  And while there were no specific "incidents", the holiday season was filled with the usually bullshit, drama, and attention seeking behaviors.    I had moments of real joy, love, and happiness with my children and husband.  And the narc drama was not crippling.  But it left a sort of whole, and emptiness in places.   A longing for things to be something I know they will never be. 

Anyway, I made it through and have emerged on the other side, a bit stronger, a bit clearer.  But very, very tired.  I've only, in the last week or so, managed to pull myself up by the boot straps. 

And, reinforcing to me why I always feel like "impending doom" is on the horizon, NM dropped an email on Thursday evening asking when she can visit.  I had been expecting it, as I have managed to side step her visiting for the last five and a half months. 

I was feeling confident, that I could manage the situation.  Give her few options, be specific, don't engage in chit chat, don't give her room to play games, make it clear that I wouldn't be "holding the month" open for her.

But wouldn't you know it, she managed to still piss me off.  And that pissed me off, that I was pissed.

I'll spare you the details, but she managed, in three emails to sucker punch me.  The emails were full of manipulation, guilt, negativity, and DRAMA. Most of the emails she complained about people.  She did ask how I was at all (she did say "hope all is well with you" but I don't see that as an invitation to a real conversation about me.  In the last few months, I've told her NOTHING about me or my kids.  And she doesn't ask (or "asks" when their is an audience and I can't really answer, and then never follows up.)  She managed to invite herself into three upcoming events in my life, which a "normal" mother would be more than welcome at, but she knows good and well I don't want her around to sour.  Her insistence, despite her acknowledging our relationship has changed, that she is still entitled to every part of my life is maddening.  That, of course, she's always welcome.

And I'm again left shaking my head at what a production she has to make everything.  Trying to weasel in time when my DH isn't home (now way in hell).  Trying to use "weather" and "bad roads" to not commit (and allow her time to draw out the drama).  It doesn't have to be this way.  Telling me she had "planned" to come this following weekend, but wasn't sure because she had chosen to go on vacation last weekend (I'm not sure when she had "planned" on filling me in).  I think she is still angling for me to open this weekend up for her. 

How about this, NM?  Pick a damn weekend and stick with it.  Don't "add on" days.  Don't email me 500 damn times about your concerns about the weather affecting you coming, or some illness cropping up, or something else that you are "worried" will effect you trip.  DH used to say that you were just "excited" and it leaks out.  But it's not excitement, it's a constant sucking of my time and attention.

It does not have to be this hard.  Why don't they get that?  That we would welcome them, love them, want to be around them, if they didn't make it a fucking 3 ring circus all of the time.