Buzzing Around

I've been wanting to write more posts about NM and my last visit (and I will) but I've been very busy as of late.  DH and I got very sick for three weeks or so and then we've had just one thing after the other to contend with.
As it is, I've been continuing to receive craziness from NM, and even though I shouldn't be, I'm always surprised by the in roads she chooses to "get" at me.  But, that's another post.

I haven't seen my MIL since she called my husband and offered up her faux apology.  I knew at the time that she wasn't sincere and I really had no hope of things changing.  But, since it was such a completely different tactic from her, the whole situation set off my anxiety.  I was stressed about how this all would play out.

I was guessing that MIL's tactic was that, when she called, DH would say "Oh, no, you're a great mom." and that he'd get the hint that HE actually needed to change his behavior.  I  believe her subtle message was "(DH), by not doing what I want, you've made ME feel badly.  Please fix this.  Or else." She stated in her conversation with DH that her main objective was MORE time with us and I saw very little of her actually wanting to change our relationship.

To DH's credit, he told her that we needed to work on boundaries, to back off of me, and to give us some space.

About two weeks later, FIL was calling to meet up with us.  So much for space.  I could tell DH was wanting to comply.  He said he was still going to speak with his mother, but he wanted to get my input before he talked to her (thumbs up for the fact he is consulting me, thumbs down for the fact that he still hasn't actually talked to her about the issues.  However, I don't feel like these things need to be on a timeline, and so he still can talk to about it all.)  I was very sick, so I didn't have to go.  DH met them at my BIL's house.  I was very anxious, wondering what she was going to say to DH and how she would latch onto my kids.  I rationalized, though, that the kids would be seeing their cousins (whom they really wanted to see) and MIL would be allowed little inroads to them.

When DH came home, he seemed quiet.  He said that things had been fine.  MIL had not hoovered over my older son (as usually) but had played a lot with my younger son (whom she usually ignores).  This made me anxious.  Other than that, DH said that MIL was very quiet and stayed to herself a lot.  FIL only referenced me when he asked DH on the phone "who all is coming over?"  They didn't ask how I was feeling or what I was sick with, as they normally would.

In the next few days, I noticed DH having (sudden) irritability.  It took us several tense discussions and an argument for me to finally notice that EVERY TIME he goes around his parents, he comes back sullen and argumentative.  This is another post, but I do think it was good for both of us to finally see that connection.  That things between us are fine, then he goes and sees his parents, and suddenly he has "issues" with me.

This visit with his parents also started the nagging from MIL about gift ideas.  We really did try to get her something as quickly as possible (I like to be considerate) but since we are giving ideas out to 5 or six different people, it can be complicated to organize.  I know she sent several texts reminding DH to get her the list (she'd had her own ideas, but DH told her to hold off.)  Several days after the gift ideas were sent, she texted that she had gotten YS something different.  This royally pissed me off.  I know it shouldn't, but these games around gift giving get tiresome.   DH said he understood my feelings and that he was going to tell her.  But he didn't, until finally one day (when I was at my wit's end about all of this) I called him on it.  He ended up texting her.  She feigned to not understand why it was a big deal, but ended up just buying extra gifts (and the one we had suggested) for the kids.

So, all of this has happened in the three weeks since she offered to change, and DH told her to give us some space.  During this time, MIL also made contact with me on three separate occasions.  She has been reduced to "restricted" status on my FB page, which means she can only see what I make public, which is nothing aside from my cover/profile photos.    I changed my photos twice and within an hour, MIL had "liked" them.  These are the ONLY access she has to me and I felt crowded that she would immediately like them.  Especially since DH specifically told her to not offer lame flattery (not that "likes" are always flattery, but in her case, it seems to be pathetic attempts to appear interested).  She also sent to my email address (not DH's) an electronic Thanksgiving card.  FOUR DAYS LATE (it arrived Monday morning).  A couple of things about these cards: I dislike them wholly.  You have to spend minutes watching the LAMEST graphics in order to get the message.  She has never sent me (or DH) a Thanksgiving card before.  We received no phone call on Thanksgiving or text from them and had no contact with them at all (which is also odd).  She picks out real paper cards for my kids and DH, but I always get these e-cards on my birthday.  Last Mother's Day, she acknowledged me with one of these cards, but it was also several days late.  (It's an E-CARD.  How can it be late?!)  The message was generic and not addressed to anyone in particular.  

This was the FOURTH contact we'd had from her (not including the little texts) in five weeks time.  I was feeling so pressed in on and claustrophobic.  With my niece and nephews birthdays coming up, I was feeling down right panicky.  Having not actually seen MIL since the beginning of September, I was not happy about having to see her and I feared confrontation.  Or that she would come up and insist on apologizing and "making things right".  I didn't want to be forced, in front of people, to accept her apology.  I didn't want to talk about it at all.  I mean, frankly, she's never even mentioned to ME that she felt she was feeling badly about her behavior.  She's only said things to DH.  And then she ignored every thing he asked of her.

The ILs called the day before the party to NOW insist that they wanted to make a plan to arrange ANOTHER visit to drop off gifts, as the gifts they ordered hadn't arrived yet and couldn't exchange them at the party.  (I think this is a ploy by MIL too to arrange a separate "gift opening" get together, as we always have to do, every year.)  I know was positively hyperventilating at feeling so penned in.  DH said they had planned next weekend.  He did approach me before he called them back and I told him about feeling so claustrophobic and that I needed some space.  That his parents were completely ignoring our boundaries and forcing an increase in contact.  DH arranged for after Christmas to exchange gifts, although we've made no plans yet except for a date.  I figure, when that time comes, I'll decide if I want to even go.  But I didn't like all the pressure of committing to another visit, when I was so stressed about the party and visit the next day.

  I was shaking when I walked into the place, but had a plan to make myself busy with the kids during the activities.  My youngest is still small enough to need me around.  They showed up late (as usually.  I heard my BIL on the phone giving them instructions on where to go.  They had gone to a different venue.  Not coincidentally, this is the same reason they gave for showing up late to my son's party: they didn't know where it was.  But they'd been to my son's venue twice before.  It all sounded like bullshit excuses to me. ).  I think it's horrible that they are always late, but it worked out for me and bought me time to get across the large gym and hide out.  I could feel MIL's eyes watching me when she came in.  As the adults left the entry way and ventured out to the kids, I could see her inching closer and closer, maneuvering.  I finally had to move out of her line of sight, as it was making me uncomfortable, and frankly, irritated to see her face (her facial expression, a combination of glee, and squinting, and nose up in the air, drives me crazy).  Thankfully, at that moment, my youngest son peed his pants.  Not bad enough to have to leave, but bad enough I had to run home and get him clothes (I've never been so thankful for an accident.)  I bolted and was so thankful to have 30 minutes of time taken up.  When I arrived back at the party, it was almost over.  MIL was busy "helping" (taking over for my) SIL with the cupcakes and things (SIL doesn't seem to mind, as she seems to have her head up her ass most of the time.  She spent a lot of the party with some random baby strapped on her chest instead of interacting with her own kids at the party).  I made sure to hang back a bit, near my youngest, waiting for him to finish up so I could change him.

And then she made a beeline for me.  I saw her coming from across the room, in a straight, determined line for me.  Sigh.  I was hoping we could exchange some random pleasantries and be done with it.  Nope.  She was going to hunt me down.  And this is a woman who stalks me around rooms.  I have literally moved chairs to get away from her at times, and she follows me.  She has NO respect for my personal space, listens in on my conversations with others and butts in, and I always feel so trapped around her.

I ignore her as she walks up and stands next to me.  "So, are you ready?" she asks.  I know exactly what she's referring to, as we have the SAME conversation and my niece and nephew parties every year.  This time I pause.  I had decided on "medium chill" with her.  I would answer kindly and politely and with as little response as possible.  I was not interested in engaging in conversation iwth her and I was going to refuse to participate in her charade.

Luckily, I've gotten enough control over my anxiety that I could pause and take a deep breathe, "Ready for what?"

This through her and I saw her bristle and be taken aback.  "Well, uh, uh, for Christmas.  Are you all done?"

I continued to look out at the party and not turn towards her, "Pretty much."

She continues, starting in on her "interrogation" style of conversation, where she fires one question after another at you, not really listening to the responses.  "I mean, do you have your tree up?"

"Yup".

"Well, what about the shopping? Are you done? "  She presses on.

"Mostly."

The old lady is persistent.  "Well, but like do you have them all wrapped under the tree?"

I mean, seriously, does she not take hints?  Or maybe stop drilling me and just engage in some easy conversation, lady?  I hate feeling attacked.  But I notice DH has come closer and is watching (he was giving explicit instructions to keep an eye on me this time and rescue me if necessary.)

"I've done some." I reply.  She continues "Well, I asked (OS) if he was excited and he said 'yes, there are 11 more day!'".  And then she cackles.  I smile and nod.  And then I decide to excuse myself and take YS to the bathroom.  I don't say goodbye, or even look at her, but just take off.  Maybe rude, but I was finished being interrogated.

When I came back, she was busy taking over and "helping" with the gift unwrapping.  It amazes me that BIL just wanders around while MIL does all of the work with this stuff, but I suppose that shows you how everything is "supposed" to work in this family.  I'm able to skirt around her and talk to another friend.  I go up to my niece and nephew and say good bye and happy birthday.  Neither child acknowledges me or even looks at me. (I love my niece and nephew, but manners are not their strong suit).  I gather the kids to go (DH and FIL had gone outside to give them our gifts for Christmas).  OS gets ahead of me, and when I go out I find MIL about to buy him sweets from a vending machine.  She knows she's been "caught" and suddenly starts blubbering asking if it's OK with me.  (She was going to give the sweets to OS and my nephew.  I don't know what she expected to give my YS - the ignored child - but I'm guessing nothing.  She KNEW we were leaving and she also knew my kids had just had a ton of sweets at the party.)  I told her no, it was not OK as we were leaving for dinner.  She got flustered (I secretly enjoyed this, although I shouldn't have) and flung the money at OS, saying he could keep the dollar.  She then realized that my YS would need a dollar and frantically searched for him, with my nephew bugging her for one too.  I left her rummaging in her purse, after having the boys say thank you and a quick good bye and left.  She hollered "have a good Christmas" and I said "you too" and made a dash for the door.

Outside, I expected her to come out to further talk, as FIL was still out saying goodbye.  Luckily, I was spared.  I tried to make sure to be kind and open and pleasant to FIL.  I do like him, despite his codependency and enmeshment and avoidance of confrontation.  And I think he likes me too.  Even though MIL clearly has issues with me, and he is paying the consequences now, he was very kind to me, making sure to say goodbye.  I think he wanted to give me a hug goodbye, but I busied myself with the car seats, because I was sort of feeling uncomfortable.  He couldn't squish down between the cars and said a hearty and kind goodbye before walking back to DH.  I think it speaks volumes that he has tried to maintain kindness and goodwill.


So, I feel SO relieved today.  I'm free of the old bat for two whole weeks!  (Now, if NM would just leave me the fuck alone, I could have a nice little holiday.)  But I do have pangs for the future.  I feel more confident, free, and hopeful than I have in a long time.  I don't feel like I'm bound to put up with her behavior forever.  I told DH what had happened and warned him that this is how I will be dealing with her for the foreseeable future: pleasant but detached.  I will walk away and leave if she presses too hard.  I'm ready to take care of myself and if she feels I'm being rude/unkind/pissed at her, so be it.  I don't care.  I'm still feeling very anxious, but I don't feel helpless anymore.  Progress, right?

So, questions:  Any suggestions on how to deal with her interrogative questions?  Any suggestions on the situation as a whole?

Thankful

This month is "thankful" month on FB.  And so each day people (other people, I don't do this shit, although maybe I should) post what they are thankful for.  One friend said tonight, "I am thankful for my mom."

My first thought was, I'm not.  I'm not thankful for my mother.  I got a raw deal, I think before I can stop myself.  And then I felt guilty.  Stomach ache guilty.  Who isn't thankful for their mom?  Lots of people had it worse.  At least your mom tried some of the time.  Once in a while.  She didn't beat you.

I comfort myself with the thought that's a normal though when you've been hurt and torn and pushed and left by your mother to not be "thankful" for that.  But still....

Do these people. those who are thankful for their parents, know something I don't?  A way to make peace and find the good?  I know a friend who's father beat him.  Beat him so badly, I've been told, that my friend's (a teenager at the time) friends tried to beat the father up to defend him.  And this friend professed he was thankful for his father's help with plumbing issues.  And how he always was there.  Am I missing something?  Am I cold and heartless and unforgiving?

My stomach hurt.

And  then I thought of a few more thoughts.

I don't like my mom. I've actually been feeling this for quite some time now.  I find her phony, and ignorant, and small minded.  I find her jealous and childish.  I find her boring.  We have never had an conversation that I can recall that was mentally stimulating to me.  She's not dumb.  She just doesn't engage in a conversation at all.  And it's boring.  She brings nothing but phony lines, and parroted lines, repeated b.s. or gossip to a conversation.  She can not engage.  I also find her a bit mean, gossipy, and jealous.  And petty.  If she wasn't my mom, I wouldn't enjoy her company.  I wonder if my struggles with her come solely from just not liking her. 

But that's not to say I've never had a good time with my mom.  Lately, I've had actual good memories of my childhood leak in.  I've held them at bay for so long.  I felt that, if I admitted on any level, that their was good, I was admitting the bad didn't happen or wasn't bad.  It took me a long time to reconcile that admitting to a good memory of my mother didn't discount, minimize, or deny the truth of the bad.  That it didn't even out.  That the "good" account of mothering doesn't "balance" out the "bad" account.  They don't cancel each other out.  And that being said, I can remember good in my mother.

I also feel sorry for my mother.  I'm sorry for the misery she grew up in that made her the emotional cripple she is today.  I do feel for her.  I have empathy for her.  I do feel the deck was stacked against her.

She wasn't a horrible mother ALL the time.  She did some good things.  She did try.  At times.  She didn't do these things to manipulate me.  All the time.  Sometimes she really wanted to be a good mom.  And she succeeding.  Sometimes. 

But she was a shitty mom and continues to be a shitty mom a lot of the time.

Another friend, a woman exactly my age, lost her mother this week, announcing  it (briefly) on FB.  My heart ached for her.  But I couldn't think how that would feel for me.  If I lost my mom.   It didn't make me feel, even for a moment, that I should treat my mom "better".  That I somehow will "miss her when she's gone".    I'm sure I will be sad.  I'm sure it will be upsetting.  But I can't say I won't somehow feel relief.  And that's a horrible thing to think, let alone write down. 

And then I feel guilty again.