Irrevokable Broken

After writing my last two posts, something has popped up in my brain, a feeling a remembered from my early 20s that I'm only really able to process now.

First, thanks to all of you who have offered your support, advice, compassion, and ear.  I truly appreciate it.  Thanks to Jonsi for helping break it down and process it.  And thanks to my dear, sweet, nurturing friend Kara for holding my hand a lot in the past few months.  Even across an ocean, I can feel you love and support and it has changed my life.

OK, so as I read all of your reactions to my childhood, I'm finally able to validate my own feelings of how shitty, horrible, and difficult my childhood was.  NM not only never validated these feelings, but actually accused me of being a horrible person for feeling this way. 

I never got over the fact that she, in essence, abandoned me and my sister for two years.  Sure, she was there, but she wasn't.  We were often physically, emotionally, and spiritually left alone.

But the worst part was, when in my early 20s, NM's new relationship (and her new family) suddenly lost her luster.  I'd made peace with her leaving.  I was, not thriving, but pulling my ass up by the boot straps and moving on.  But when NM's new family wasn't doing it for me anymore, she came back.  Not crawling back, apologizing, and seeing the wrong doings of her ways.  Nope, she came right back in, shoving the door down, and demanding, in the entitled way she has, her "proper" position as my mother.  Demanding respect.  Demanding I treat her in a way commiserate with her self appointed title as "The Mom".  No sense of understanding of what had happened, no apologies, no acknowledgement.  Just "go back to the way it was"  (which, frankly, was an illusion to begin with). 

I was SO DAMN ANGRY that she thought she had a right to just "resume" being my mom.  That she could come in and demand my damn, attention, respect, and love.  That she thought she was ENTITLED to it.  That still gets me.  Her entitlement.  She feels she has rights to all and every part of my life.  That, OF COURSE, she's welcome in my home, with my kids, in every private area of my life whenever she feels like it.  Because she's The Mom.  WTF, lady?  Where do you get off?  You fucking left me.  Left me.  And my sister.  To fend for ourselves.  And now, you just want to swoop back in and claim your "rights" to me.  You expect me to nurture you, love you, respect you, and deem authority and control to you?  You expect me to tell you what a great mom you are (seriously.  She has really said this.  That she was a GREAT mom.).  You want me to bolster your self esteem, play your therapist, and hold your hand?  You want to just be included back in?  I don't fucking get this.  Where the hell do you get off?

 I read a quote on FB the other day that said something to the effect of if you throw a plate on the ground, and it breaks, and you say your sorry, the plate just doesn't "go back" to the way it was.  You've never understood this, mom.  That things can't just "go back" (and again, go back to what, I don't know, because it wasn't there to begin with or you couldn't have done the things you did).  You have to work, to repair, to earn my trust and respect back as a mother.  You have to deserve the privilege of my trust, friendship, and access to my life.  And until you get that, the plate will always just lie there broken.  You may not take what you feel you deserve from me.  I don't know what kind of accounting you are using, but in my calculations, I've settled what I 'owe' you.  Anything else you get from me is pure kindness.  On my part.

The Saga of the Visit: game playing, covert b.s., and the art of saying NO

I have a follow up post in my mind which dovetails with my previous post "Don't Take it Personally", but I'll have to get back to it.  In fact, I have many posts filed away in my brain, but these darn narcs won't leave me alone long enough to get one out.  It's hard to keep up when I'm always fighting new battles!

NM has rallied again and brought on a whole new storm that I need to recount on this blog.  You are forewarned: this one may be long and it may not have any point, aside from documentation of this incident.  So, please feel free to skip it if your short on time (or interest ;)!)


So, after my father's visit in the beginning of September, I had a lovely three week "narc vacation".  My in-laws were in a foreign country and NM had just been here.  So, I knew I'd have some time just to myself (before the inevitable tidal wave came barreling back down).  Fall is always busy and added to that my in-laws are in town every other weekend or so.  But, I had three weeks of peace: I might add, not long enough.

Around mid-September NM started asking when she could come to one of DS's games.  I know she was annoyed that I hadn't asked her earlier (she always feels I should do the asking).  Honestly, and I shouldn't have to explain this, but I'd had tons going on.  And, I didn't want her here. After her confronting me the last time she was here, I wasn't in any rush to play that again.  But my son had wanted her to come.  So, I came up with a date.  It was the only date that would work and that he still had a game. 

I was a tad bit annoyed.  She hadn't bothered to ask how his games had been going up to this point.  She didn't ask if he liked it, or if he'd done well.  Nothing.  She did manage to write some emails complaining and gossiping.  And she had managed to inquire about my dad's visit (she has some weird thing about my dad and wanting to know about him.)

I gave her the date.  Of course, it didn't work for her.  She did have a legitimate reason to not come, but I do wonder if she could've gotten out of it if she'd really tried.  She does a lot of game playing with her visits: keeping plans up in the air, never fully committing, wanting us to keep several options open for her to choose from.  Well, I'd had enough of that.  And, seriously, this was the ONE game that would work.  She kept saying for me to let her know if another day would work.  But this was the last game, that was it, and I ignored her pushing for another date.  Usually, I would've felt guilty and worked around her.  But I didn't.  DH kept believing she would show up.  She didn't. 

Shortly after, I received an email from her:  "Is (DH) going hunting this year?"  The hairs on my arms stood up and I instantly was on alert.  I knew what she was meaning: I want to come down on opening weekend of hunting season and I want to know if he'll be there.  I'm using this as my "opening".   It really, really ticked me off.  Why can't she just be direct?  Why can't she just say what she wants? I hate that she works me like this.

I knew I should've just ignored it.  I knew it.  I've been working at ignoring these blatant "probes" with no explanation.  But I didn't ignore it.  I replied back that yes, DH hoped to go but was having problems getting his hunting buddies to commit.  And I left it at that.

She then replied that she "was thinking" of coming down that weekend.  And wanted to know my thoughts.  ha. 

I told her that I'd get back to her (this weekend was still three weeks away) when DH had his mind made up.  She also emailed to say that DH was welcome to come down and hunt on my family's land (and obvious ploy to get us down to her house.  We would all go and she's been pushing me to go to her home-while at the same time saying we couldn't come because of a remodel.  Hunting on the land is a big piece of bait she rolls out to get me to do things.  It's really complicated, but all you have to understand is she dangles this HUGE carrot in front of DH, knowing that I wouldn't deny him the opportunity.  And then she punishes me for accepting it.)

I ignored the hunting question and after two weeks, finally committed to the weekend she wanted.  But I told her that it had to be Saturday through Monday (instead of Friday through Sunday like she usually comes).  It was one of my first steps in setting a boundary.  I also told her in the email that the kids and I had  colds (this was related to something else, and just a piece of information I was telling her, but it comes into play later). 

She said that she would take Monday off and we would "go from there" (this is a huge hint of things to come that I had missed).  She also tried again to lure me to her house by saying she had asked my step dad if DH could come down and hunt (it's SD's land; I was a bit taken a back that she hadn't asked him first.  It only showed me more that she was working things behind the scenes to her advantage.  And there was no way I was going to inconvenience SD-he goes hunting with DH-knowing NM had talked him into it.  )

Also, intermixed with these communications by email, NM was sending me texts and FB messages.  It is never enough for her to keep one line of communication going.  So, during this time, NM was made aware of our illness.  I got a pat response of "hope you feel better" and then a HUGE email about how sick my aunt was.  Also, she was sending me tons of gossipy messages.

I also had had some professional portraits taken too.  The photographer had posted them on FB and I let her know.  She became all over-excited and told me that she had copied them off of FB to print out.  I was starting to feel claustrophobic over it all.  I felt like she had just "helped herself" to the pictures without even asking me if she could take them (AND they weren't mine to take off the photographer's website).  I had planned on giving her a nice digital CD so she could order prints (as I always do) but she just. couldn't. fucking. wait.  I was starting to feel steamrolled.  She also used the pictures to slide in a sly comment implying that she never sees the boys: "(DS) has sure changed since we were up".  Now, that my seem innocent, but it wasn't coming from NM.  She had been up five weeks before.  My son is not an infant.  He hadn't changed that much.    I offered up the professional link to all of the pictures (I had actually emailed about the same time she told me she had stolen the photos of FB).  But by this point, she was over it.  When she looked at the small selection on FB, I got FIVE separate messages about them.  But when she saw the whole set, she said "oh, they look nice."  Kara, my blogger friend, pointed out how hot and cold she is.  She's either smothering me with communications and attention or completely ignoring me (and pouting in a corner, I assume I'm supposed to believe). 

During this time (a matter of days and a million messages) she never once asked about my son's games, how we were feeling, and only a one line "how was your weekend" pathetic attempt to look interested.   Many months ago,  I started replying to her "how was your weekend" questions with simple, vague answers.  She never noticed and just plows right ahead with her own un-ending steam of consciousness emails. 

Then, I get a message to "be honest with" her if we are too sick for her to come.  The whole email struck me as odd.  When she hadn't cared before I had committed to the weekend, why is she asking now?  My guess is that she was feeling secure so she was feeling she could be generous with her "concern" now.  (And by the way, I had a LOT of help sorting this out with my blogger friend, Kara.  Many of these realizations came from her and from discussions with her.  So, I give her lots of credit in this.)  Also, the phrase "be honest with me" struck me.  Why wouldn't I be honest with her?  Because she knows she's conditioned me to do what she wants, despite what is best for me.

I chose to ignore this email.  She knew the children and I had been ill.  She had been pushing to come and ignoring that fact until I committed.  To add to that, she sent this email over a week before the weekend.  How the hell am I supposed to guess what I'll feel like in 10 days?  It all seemed to be drama drumming, sounding alarms for no apparent purpose except to make drama. 

She sent another email stating that she hadn't heard from me, but that she didn't need to come up.  She was OK with whatever I decided.  She also sent about four texts asking how I "was feeling" among other things.  I responded to the first one (it had nothing to do with me being sick) and ignored the rest, as I was out all afternoon and busy.  NM does not recognize that I have anything else going on in my life and if I don't answer her texts immediately, she gets upset.  It hadn't even been 12 hours when she emailed me to see why I hadn't responded to her earlier email and texts. 

I've gotten better about being selective about which texts I respond to.  I don't always feel that gut impulse to respond to every little thing she sends.  But she was really starting to swarm me by this point.  I mean, I was busy for an afternoon.  Leave me the hell alone.  I already said you could come, why bother me with asking how I'm feeling now.  I was getting fed up.  And I was starting to feel really, really overwhelmed.  I was beginning to second guess my decision.  I knew step dad and DH wouldn't be here for a buffer.  I was starting to feel caged in and anxious. 

 I sent out an email the next day saying I had been busy all day (and told her with what).  I also told her that we still weren't well.  That the colds had been up and down in severity (I'm guessing we got hit with a couple of bugs and we were run down).  I said it would be hard for me to guess how we would all feel in over a week.  I also included some information about a relative.

She completely ignored the information about the relative.  She completely ignored the other information I'd told her (it was about my son, so I thought it suspect that she didn't ask how it went.   Just goes to show how little "real" interest she has in me.)  She just said "thanks" and I guess I was to take that as "thanks for reinforcing that I'm coming down".  It was clear her inquiries about me being sick were phony and meant as covers for her trying to pull NS.  She didn't mention it again.

She did, in her response, talk about how excited SHE was to come (a full paragraph about this).  Then she included some family gossip (my step siblings were having a baby).  When I asked about the due date, she replied with another HUGE email detailing more gossip.  And then she dropped a bomb: she was planning to stay until Tuesday....if that was alright with me.

I lost it.  The walls were closing in.  She had pushed and pushed and pushed and clearly had no intention of respecting any boundaries I had tried to establish.  I was feeling more and more claustrophobic.  But I decided to push forward:  I slept on it and the next day,  I told her no, that that wasn't OK with me and that it would have to be Monday morning when she left because I wanted the kids to rest before school started on Tuesday and it would be a busy week with Halloween.  We love Halloween and I didn't want the kids so run down they got even sicker. I did not want her here an extra day, but somehow I knew that wouldn't fly with her.   I was shaking.  I was scared.  But she had told me flat out to "be honest with her" and it was OK to tell her if I was too sick and all that shit. 

Clearly, she meant none of it.  She "suggested" we  postpone the WHOLE trip (note, she didn't say "I won't come, it's a bad time for you" but instead "suggested" we postpone it, hoping I'll not bite)  Then, to make sure I didn't take her up on her offer, she loaded on a HEAP of guilt.  Saying she didn't realize Halloween was that week-bullshit-and on and on.  Oh, and to not buy her gifts for Christmas.  WTF?  The message itself wasn't all that telling, but I could feel the guilt and disdain and anger pushing through the email.  I can feel her undercurrents.  It was clear she was pouting that she didn't get her way.

By now,  I was becoming weary of all of this.  I was having full blown panic attacks (something I haven't had in 7-8 years).  I felt like I was standing up to an army.   All of this over one damn day?  And one silly trip?  Was she really willing to sell out seeing her "precious" grandkids over me telling her she had to limit her time? 

I tried to be strong and unemotional.  I told her (and I'm paraphrasing)  "OK, if that's what you want to do.  We would be fine for the weekend, but it would have to be three days.  But it's up to you."  Lob: the ball is back in her court.  I'm certainly not going to give her the satisfaction of saying I cancelled the damn trip.  And let me just say,  I REALLY hate game playing.  I hate that I'm even forced to participate.  But when you deal with narcs, you can not be straight forward and open: they use that to their advantage.  Strategizing and keeping things to yourself is the only way to manage. 

The next day, I got an email whining and crying that that wouldn't work for her.  That it was too hard of a drive for her to come down one day and go back the next (which is not true: this was a deception she hoped I wouldn't pick up on.  There was a full day between, and she had visited on this time frame many, many times before).    She claimed she "am getting older" and how hard it was (oh, cry me a river).  She did say though that she'd "see how the week went".  And that she could always stay in a hotel on Monday and go back on Tuesday.  This would defeat the whole damn point, as she would STILL be HERE all day Monday.  (By the way,  I did call her out on her deception.  She chose to ignore that email and started a new thread.)

I'm panicking now and I'm depressed.  My kid is asking my husband why I'm upset all the time.  I'm wondering how I can shelter him from this crap, while at the same time allow myself to express my emotions (I can't always control when and how they come up: I'm just not that healthy yet).  I'm sick to my stomach.  I really just want to tell her to not come.  But I know I've taken it this far, I need to stand my ground.  I can't allow her to make me the "bad guy" by just cancelling when she's the one pulling all kinds of sneaky tricks.  I can't allow her to bully me into getting her way or forcing me to wear the mantle of "bad kid" for not letting her come.  I won't give her that satisfaction.  I wasn't being a bad kid.  I had told her she could come.  I just had limited the time....actually, I was just forcing her to stick to the original agreement and not change unilaterally.  I was holding her to her word that I was able to do what was best for me, able to "be honest" and that she wouldn't mind. 

And during the whole thing,  I was a little bit shell shocked.  It seemed such a REALLY STUPID THING.  It's one day.  And I'm sure that was her thought, "it's one day", why won't she let me come?  But the thing is, it's ALWAYS one extra day.  Or one more text.  It's a slippery slope of her pushing her way without ever being concerned about how it effects me.  She ALWAYS has to create drama.  She always offers up things that she has no intention of honoring.   I felt like I was up against such an insurmountable thing.  But it was all about something so simple.  I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on, why I was so upset THIS time.  Why was I so upset over telling my mother NO?

I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I tried to remember that no was a complete sentence and I had a right to say no.  But I couldn't shake what was really bothering me about it.   I spent lots of time discussing it with DH and Kara (Thank God for them.  They were a life line.  And as a side note, I think, after this, DH finally "got it" fully.  He finally got why I was taking a stand over something that seemed so little.  He finally got fully on board with what I was trying to do.  He could see the patterns and what was going on.  He supported me fully.  It was awesome and has really moved our relationship to a different place.)  I finally stumbled upon it.  NM (and my father) raised me to always say yes to any request from a parent.  Always.  To not do so was disrespectful.  But more than that, for NM, to say no meant that I didn't love her.  Let me back up.  For NM, I've been taught to believe that if I really "loved her" I would do whatever she wanted.  Always agreeing with her, putting her first, doing what she wanted meant I loved her.  I "proved" my love by being compliant, always thinking about her and adoring her.  So, to say no, in her warped little brain, means I don't love her.  And here's the catch:  I don't like to hurt people.   I don't like to be disrespectful.  I would never tell her directly that I don't love her.  Because, partially, it's not the truth.  I will always have a love for her.  And she used that love, that desire to please her, to manipulate me.  She had me convinced that saying no was the same as saying I didn't love her.  I'm guessing this sounds confusing.  And really, it is.  I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen her messed up logic before.  It was the only reason I could think of as to why I felt so guilty for saying no.  Why I couldn't do it.  Why it made me sick.  It was just no.  It shouldn't be so hard.

And then my thinking went a little further.  When I said no, and told her I didn't "love her", she then would label me a bad daughter.  I've always been a bad daughter if I didn't go along with whatever she wanted me to do.  I remember when my parents divorced and I desperately tried to explain that I was depressed and upset.  She wouldn't allow it.  She said that  I couldn't be sad because divorcing my father (and marrying her affair partner) made her happy.  And it was "finally time for it to be about me.  I deserve to be happy."  And my sorrow infringed on her happiness.   So, if I wanted her to be happy, I'd suck down my emotions and let her be happy.  I look back and wonder why I had to pay the price for her happiness.  Why should couldn't see ANY kid would be unhappy in that situation.  Why she couldn't be a fucking adult and allow me my feelings, while still doing what she felt was best.  I wasn't telling her to stay with my dad, I was simply begging to express my feeling about it. 

And messages like that came over and over.  I was a bad daughter for not giving her every damn thing she wanted whenever she wanted it.  I didn't love her if I said no. 

And here's the break through: I AM NOT A FUCKING BAD DAUGHTER.  I am a good daughter.  I always have been.  Me saying no has no bearing on whether I'm a bad daughter or not.  I had to quite letting her decide what the definition of good daughter was.  I could easily list all of the wonderful things I do for her, but I know I don't need to here.  I've proven my love to her over and over and over.  And if she can't see that, that's her issue, not mine.  Being loving does not mean obedience.  I've welcomed her into my home, I've allowed her into my life, I've bought her thoughtful and sentimental gifts (that she's rejected), I've allowed her into some of the most precious times in my life and tried to include her.  I've been thoughtful and kind and considerate of her to the best I can. She is using one of the most wonderful things about me, being considerate and loving towards her, to manipulate and hurt me and control me.   Just because I won't drop everything and put her first constantly does not make me a bad daughter.  It makes me a grown up. 

It seems so simple, really.  I assume other grown ups don't think like this.  I assume that other, healthier individuals, have never had to rework this "mal-ware" installed in their brain.  It's been like I've awakened from a spell.  Like I've suddenly woken up to reality.  She doesn't have that control over me any more.   I don't have to be her puppet to prove my love for her.  I finally could breathe again. 

So, in the end, she decided to come anyway.  Shocker.  I told her that it (still) would have to be Saturday through Monday.  She said that she had already decided that (see how she maintains her delusion of control?)  She said she had a hair appointment on Tuesday he had to get back for.  It occurred to me how much she had lined out before she "checked" with me if it was OK.  She had always planned on staying until Tuesday.  She had had to arrange it ahead of time with her (controlling, she says) boss.  She completely ignored my repeated boundary of Monday and had planned on doing whatever she wanted anyway.  And she thought she'd just "slip" it in at the bottom of a long email, hoping I wouldn't notice.  She's sneaky and deceptive, and I'm sick of it. 

She tried to create more drama by demanding to know how I felt on Wednesday.  I got three emails.  I'm not sure WHY we needed to decide three days in advance.  Actually, I do know why.  She had to have control.  Stir drama.  And get me to commit so she could dance around hemming and hawing again.  I almost, almost, cancelled.  I didn't know if I could handle it.  But I didn't want her looming over my head any more bugging me to visit. 

I thought I'd get out of her coming when on Friday a family emergency came up and she had to drive a long way (remember, she's old and too "old" to drive to far in back to back days).  She was still drama-mongering, saying she wouldn't decide until Friday night or Saturday morning if she was coming.   I reminded her that our first snow storm of the year was going to hit (remember she's always worried about "the roads" and uses that to pin down several "options" for herself).  She said on Friday, at 10 p.m. that she was still coming.  Awesome. 

The next morning, around 7:30, the texts started coming in.  The kids were sleeping in and so was I.  Then the phone call came.  I finally looked at her texts.  I had a rare twist of luck and she had decided not to come after all due to the impending storm.  Hallelujah, it was a miracle!

 I wish I could say that stopped the texts.  It didn't.  I got a ton more over the weekend.  How sad she was.  How bummed she was. I had a momentary lapse of guilt.  That somehow, I should've let her come.  But then,  she sent me a "selfie" she took of herself.  The woman is 60, but she's laying in the leaves (after she saw a bunch of fall photos I had taken), pursing her lips, and taking selfies (I don't even like that word, let alone the posing and arrogance that seem to go along with them.)  The guilt dissipated and all  I could breathe was a sigh of relief.

I know she'll start in again soon.  She's already asking me to let her know if I have a free weekend coming up.  I'm ignoring it for now.  I need a break.  Time to regroup.  It's been a long couple of weeks and a huge amount of growth. 

(And to be fair, I'm still feeling shaky and not always as strong as I want to be in this.  But I hope this is a huge positive step.)  Thanks for reading all, if you are still with me. 

Growing Up (and out of Enmeshment)

My mother has always been taller than me.  By more than just a few inches.  She's also much bigger than me.  Not heavy, or overweight.  She's just big boned.  And I'm petite and lanky. 

So, it's been easy to always feel like adult and child.  Like she's the adult and I'm the child.  I've long struggled to feel grown up around her.

I remember before I really learned about narcissism, I never felt grown up.  I'm sure I've written about it before on here.  And I'm not talking about not feeling my age.  I had never felt grown up and autonomous.  I'd never felt like an individual person.  I felt silly putting on jewelry and dressing in more womanly clothes.   I always felt like other women around me had themselves much more put together than me. 

Slowly, as I learned about narcissism, my feelings of feeling like a child started to dissipate.  It was one of the first things I tried to do in order to change things around.  I started to feel more in control.  I tried to quiet the feelings of anxiety I felt whenever I didn't do what NM wanted.  I tried to remember that I was in charge of my life.  I tried to be content with making my own decisions and not worrying about what NM would think about it.  Or her reaction.  Or her retribution.  Because, really, she couldn't actually DO anything to me.  She's not like that.  The worse she does is guilt, and shame, and pout.  And I can ignore that.

But recent dealing with my mother have reminded me that becoming "un-enmeshed" is a lot harder than it looks.  Especially when the other person refuses, REFUSES, to acknowledge that you are a separate person. 

I had some family photos taken and I told NM that the photographer had put a few up, but that I would get more later.  I always give her a copy of all the professional photos I get taken and allow her to print from those.  But, apparently, she didn't want to wait for that this time.  She didn't ask if she could print any, didn't ask how to even get prints, but just copied them straight of FB to print.  And although it may seem like a silly thing, I felt violated.  Like she hadn't any respect for me as a grown ass woman of my own.  That those were MY photos that I had paid for, and although I was more than willing to share, she shouldn't just TAKE them.  That we are not this blob where everything belongs to everyone. 

She's always been like this.  I've never had privacy.  She's never respected my rights to keep some things to myself.  She's insisted, demanded, details on anything and everything she feels like.  Recently, my father came to visit and she's (slyly, in her mind) asked several times how the trip went.  I've refused to tell her because she's just trying to be snoopy.  She's not interested in how the visit went for ME, but is interested in my father (and his wife) and if my kids love him more than her.  And crap like that.

When she's in my home, she doesn't respect my privacy.  She feels free to wonder back to my bedroom, to come in when it's I'm trying to get away for a second.  She doesn't allow that my husband and I, as adults, may need some privacy to discuss things that are none of her business.  She'll but into conversations from another room "WHAT?!  What's going on?"  "Nothing" is not a good enough answer for her.  I've seen her linger in a room to listen to my husband on phone conversations.  They aren't private conversations, per se, but they have nothing to do with her and she's being rude, in my opinion. 

When she visits, I'm under constant surveillance.  If I leave the room, she wants to know where I'm going.  And why.  And when I'll be back.  She requires constant companionship when she visits.  If my husband spends time in the evening away from her and my step dad (as they sit and watch TV and search their phones.  It's not like they are offering conversation) she insists on knowing where he went.  On why he isn't spending time with them.  She doesn't take walks, or read a book, or offer to entertain herself in ANY way.  Even simple things like "I'm going to get the mail" are met with annoyingly shrill "THE MAIL?!?  Why would you need to get the mail NOW!"  Because I fucking want to, that's why.  And really, because the she is smothering me and suffocating me and I need some fucking air.  And she knows that's the REAL reason.  That's why she asks.  But I can't say that. 

She snoops through all of my FB stuff.  I can't comment on anyone else's things, or she'll know.  She stalks me in that respect.  Which, I really wouldn't care, but then she feels she has the right to ASK me about things she's learned by snooping.  It doesn't occur to her that if I don't offer information,  I don't want to discuss it with you.  After I posted a recent album of photos, she looked through it, at least, eight times.  Like in a row.  It just sort of creeps me out.  Like she's sucking some sort of weird supply by just looking at the photos.  It's obsessive, really. 

She snoops through my stuff.  My husband is sure she snoops through our mail and banking info and other things.  I've never caught her but I know it is a personal concern of her's that other people are snooping.  I always thought that meant that she'd respect OTHER people's privacy.  I'm sure it's just projection on her part: she snoops, so she believes everyone else does too. 

She used to snoop through my son's closet when he was born.  I'm sure she was checking to see if I was using the clothes she bought for him (she used to buy really "cutsy" outfits for him that were impractical for a newborn.  We argued often about it because I felt she was wasting her money.  She felt she was "being nice" and that I should be grateful.)

And when she's here, she sort of takes over as parent.  Like she's part of the "parenting team".  And I'm not talking about correcting the kids here or there, or keeping an eye out on them.  She wants to take over.  Once, when we went shopping I was trying to load up the stroller.  When I turned to get something else, she grabbed the stroller and took off.  She was bound and determined that SHE was going to be the one to push my kid.  As I called for her to come back, so I could finish up packing, she just kept going, faster and faster, ignoring me.  I finally yelled.  She came back, begrudgingly, and never apologized for leaving me behind (I mean the damn car doors weren't even shut before she barreled off).   She mimics me (literally) as  I say things to my kids.  For example: "It's time to come up for dinner, boys."  And before my kids even have a chance to respond, she starts in "Come on.  Come on.  It's time for dinner.  Let's go.  Hurry up."  It drives my older son nuts.  So much so, that he's told her that she doesn't need to "tell me things when my mom is here."  It happens constantly.  It's like having a parrot.  I feel like it not only undermines me, but gives the message that she thinks I'm not handling it right.  I don't need her "help".  She seems to think I do.  She parrots everything I say, steps in in front of my husband, and tries to take over.  It is so frustrating. 

She feels like (and tells me) that she knows me better than anyone.  She assumes she knows how I feel, knows what I will do, knows what I want.  She doesn't allow, at all, that she might not know the every crevice of my mind.  She does things, assuming she knows how I will do them.  In fact, she PRIDES herself on being able to know how I want things done.  The thing is, I often don't want things done like she does them.  And even if I do, a little respect, taking a backseat once in a while, communicating a desire to want to know how I like something, would go far with me.  But she can't give that to me.

And I've recently discovered how much like a child it makes me feel.  That it's hard to feel "grown up" when someone is constantly pushing your "autonomy" boundary.  When someone treats you like a child.  When someone feels that nothing you are belongs to you.  That your kids, your home, your life is all up for grabs.  That she is entitled to it all, without any respect due to me. That she can speak for me, make plans for me, and take from me without asking.    Enmeshment makes me feel helpless and smothered.  I feel claustrophobic and suffocated. 

I'm trying to figure out how to enact these last boundaries.  I've pushed her back in a lot of ways.  She doesn't go willingly.  In fact, she pouts and wallows in it.  But generally she does it away from where I can see it.  I've gotten a lot better at ignoring her blatant attempts to guilt and manipulate me.   But I don't know how to fully un-do the enmeshment.  I'm not sure exactly how I can fully be myself while she's trying to smother me and cover over me. 

Won't Back Down

So, I survived the party weekend.  I'll try to keep this brief, but you know me.  A bit too wordy. 

When NM and Step father (SF, from now on) arrived, it was as uncomfortable as usual.  Several years ago, when I would travel the six hours to NM's home, she would DEMAND hourly texts as to where we were.  It use to annoy me to no end, so I started stretching them out more and more.  I felt a text saying when I was leaving and when we were close was sufficient.  NM didn't and it pissed her off.  So, she started refusing to text me at all.  It became a game of "surprise" hoping to catch me off guard. Several times she even showed up and went to the BACK of my home to look in the windows.

So, now, we play the game of "when is NM going to show up".  I don't bother to ask because that feeds her NS.  And she works it to her advantage and sets me up for more communication. 

They arrived in late afternoon and, as usually, it's stiff and strange.  We never really have the big family reception, everyone hugging and excited to see each other.  Years ago, I would be tense and uptight.  Now, she is sullen and moody.  They are both quiet and often seem pissy. 

I was in the middle of cooking when they walked in, so I couldn't give my full attention to NM and apologized and said I'd be with her in a minute.  She said fine, but continued to pile things on the counter I was cooking on and trying to pull attention from me (I really couldn't stop what I was doing).  And then, the moment I stopped and gave her my attention, she took off for the kids.  She would wander back in on occasion and tell me something but then the minute I would start saying something, she would walk off.  At one point, she was talking about her purse and struggling to find something in it.  I had recently gotten a new bag and was showing it to her, saying how convenient it was because it had lots of organizing compartments and I could keep the kids stuff separate from mine and how excited I was.  But as I looked up, I realized she was looking at her phone.  I stopped talking MID SENTENCE.  And guess what?  She didn't even notice.  She showed me the picture on her phone and then walked off. 

The evening didn't get much better.  I really do like to cook and entertain (but have been burnt out lately since most people I've had in my social circle take it for granted and don't reciprocate at all).  But tonight, I had cooked homemade pasta sauce.  I cooked down tomatoes and carrots and zucchini from my garden, simmering it all day.  I gathered fresh vegetables from the garden and made an amazing salad.  I made a special, separate sauce for my SF because of a dietary constraint.  I worked all day and it was amazing.  Not that you would've known it from NM and SF's reaction.  Not a thank you.  Not a "this is nice".  Not a "this is good".  Nothing.  Not that I expected much.  And I really didn't care.  But it just goes to show how little they notice that I do for them. 

NM, of course, talks a lot about herself.  She (AGAIN) brings out her newest business venture (selling stuff at home parties crap).  She's been trying to "sell" me (using me as a guinea pig) for awhile now.  I just nod and say 'um hm".  She likes to be an expert.  She likes to give lessons.  I just ignore it. 

She spends a lot of time with the kids, so I'm left alone a lot to cook (and clean up.  She does offer to help, but it's clear she doesn't really want to.  And she's a pain, demanding "help" while she cleans, so it's easier if I just do it.)  I always wonder what it must be like to have a mother who cooks for her kids or helps (my NM never did my laundry when I came home from college and rarely made "home cooked meals" to comfort her wayward college kid, like I heard other mothers did.)

The next morning it's a bit strained and uneasy.  Nothing really has happened, but it's like there is some undercurrent in the air.  She had wanted to go somewhere, DO something, in the morning.  But trying to get the kids up, dressed, fed, and gather all of the party stuff left me feeling there was little time to do anything else.  I can tell she's annoyed, but busies herself playing with the kids.  I would imagine that this should be good enough.  And by early afternoon, we are off to the party.

The party: Either I'm wising up and have better planning or they've all become easier to deal with.  I'm guessing it's the former.  Most of the party went off without a hitch.  We had an hour of structured "kid activity" time, which left little room for socializing among the adults.  I was a bit frustrated as one of my friends, Toby, just sat back and expected us to help his kid, despite being told that he needed to participate with him. 

MIL arrived on time.  But, as usual, with her, she has a million things to dole out (including some VERY ripe fruit swarming with fruit flies.  I swear she just gathers shit to bring to us-often old and regifted.)  And as usual, despite us trying to get the party going, she expects us to help her "off load" her stuff so she can calm down.  Until then, she is a bit manic and antsy.   I avoided her for most of the party.  She did offer to help, but I didn't need her help and said so.  She asked my son about activities that he clearly doesn't do (I'm not sure where the hell she heard that) but ignored it.

SIL was actually very helpful.  I'm not dumb enough to buy that she did it to really help me.  She can be, and has been in the past, very helpful.  She's very skillful at knowing what needs to be done and doing it, without taking over.  I did appreciate it and intend to tell her so.  At one time, I liked being around her (mostly) although we weren't that close.  But she's sneaky and untrustworthy and I know better than to get too close to her.  But, I did appreciate it her helping me with the kids. 

NM forced me to drive with her to the venue.  DH took the kids to get the balloons and I went early to set up.  NM has some weird resistance to me driving and NEVER lets me.  This time I tried to bring my own car, but she backed her's in front of mine saying she wanted to have her own car.  So, I was forced to drive with her.  She drove HALF of the speed limit the whole way there.  Despite me, repeatedly, telling her to speed up, she just meanders.  I'm not sure why the hell she does this.  She says she gets anxious in a different town (more reason to have me drive.  I'm not a horribly driver) but I know she drives just fine (and often fast), so I'm not sure what the deal is.

 On the ride there, we sat in silence.  I had nothing to say to her.  I've realized that I really don't enjoy spending time with my mother.  She is often pompous and needing to be the "wise" mother who is handing out advice.  I don't need her advice.  I can no longer share my thoughts or feelings with her.  She doesn't ask about my life or hobbies and when I try to share them with her, she zones out, talks over me, or walks off.  Or she makes fun of me (when I tried to show her my sewing projects, she said "WELL, quite the little Suzy Home maker, aren't we?").  I can't ask her about people in her life, because she dislikes them all.  I can't ask her about what is going on in her life, because there is nothing.  She has no hobbies, no interests (maybe one), and is involved in nothing.  I refuse to ask her about most people we know because she gossips or tells me negative things.  It was a long fucking ride. 

When we got there, she acted huffy because she decided to load two huge armfuls of stuff up and acted put out (I told her I was coming back for the stuff.)  We got up to the room and she instantly just starts grabbing stuff and putting it where she wants to (not where I want it to go).  I don't want to control it all, but she doesn't even know what I have.  She doesn't ask how she can help, but just does what she likes.  When I try to stop her, she acts offended.  She thinks, as the mom, she just KNOWS how I like things.

The worst part was during the cake.  I tried to set my son down next to it and asked the other kids crowding between him and the cake to move to the other side of it.  I'm trying to get pictures, worried that my cupcake tower (which is wobbling) will crash and trying to move two very stubborn preschoolers around.  I ask them to move (loudly) three times and then finally do it myself.  I'm not sure where the hell the parents are.  I've discovered that when I get upset or frustrated in these situations, I just put my head down and avoid eye contact.  I don't know why I do this, and it bugs the hell out of me.  Any thoughts?  Anyway, I'm taking pictures of my kid with his cupcake, while two VERY angry and glaring children stare at me.  I get the singing done and I suddenly have kids grabbing for things and demanding me to get them juice.  I figure that my only job is my two kids and (LOUDLY) tell Toby that his kid needs something (thanks for that suggestion TW).  Toby says "what does he need?"  I say "I don't know, ask him."

Then, during presents, I have to ask my niece and nephew repeatedly to move back.  I know they are excited and just want to be involved, but they are so close that I can't get pictures of my kid.  They also keep grabbing at his presents trying to open them.  My niece is almost 5, and considering I was a preschool teacher, I think that, although this might be normal behavior, it is behavior that needs to be corrected.  It's rude and pushy to try and open another kid's gifts.  I ask her to move back.  I move her back.  I ask her to move back.  I, again, move her back.  I'm feeling claustrophobic.  Then, MIL hands my younger son a gift for him so that "he won't feel left out."  I don't want my younger son to open a gift while my older son is opening his gifts.  He's old enough to be able to focus on someone else for 10 minutes and (as the youngest child) is handling it all just fine.  I put the gift aside, and I'm sure I look like a mean old shrew to her.

By this point, I'm flustered.  I feel overwhelmed with the kids.  I'm not understanding why the other parents aren't helping.  Toby has a habit of letting me take over with his kid.  He sits back and lets me feed him, get him stuff, and clean up after him.  I'm getting sick of it.  My SIL and BIL don't really believe in "rules" and like letting their children be more...um, "free"?  I'm thinking, I'm too strict, I look like a harpy, I don't like having to correct other people's children, but I don't want my kid to have to share his presents or not get a chance to be in the spotlight with his cake.  I'm wondering how I'm coming off to the other people.  Do I look like a hard ass?  This isn't the first time I've had to be the person in charge of the kids.  And I don't like it.  Am I wrong?  Am I over reacting.  I know I was frustrated and had less patience with the kids than I should've.  But I felt under the pressure and like all eyes are staring on me.

So, I finish up the gifts and start packing up (we only had a half hour).  I start packing up the food and my FIL complains.  He is a grazer.  He LOVES buffet food and will linger forever (he's also cheap, and will fill up on it and avoid a meal later).  I tell him to load up another plate and then I'm packing it up.  He's joking, and mostly nice about it, but I'm not in the mood. 

I hustle everyone out the door, pack the kids up and alert MIL that we are leaving.  She says goodbye to the boys in the car (as usual, she focuses mainly on my older son...that's another post thought). 

NM is behind us with the gifts and decides to make a stop.  She is gone for about an hour, but texts us to let us know where she is: buying a gun.  Seriously.  She has some paranoia that the world is changing and she fills unsafe driving by herself.  So, she is getting a gun.  OK.  When we don't respond, she calls my husband who kind of laughs her "checking in" off.  She later asks why he was so grumpy. 

My son is waiting and waiting for his gifts.  She has them all in the trunk of her car.  But we wait.  I'm getting frustrated, but he's handling it well, so I am doing OK. 

She gets here and we get out the gifts and she doles out her million more presents to my kids.  They are playing happily and it's well after dinner time, so I get up to start dinner.  She had offered to take us out, but says nothing.  When I go to start dinner, she says "Oh, is this what we are doing for dinner?"  I say, well, it's about our only choice right now, as the kids need to eat.  She appears annoyed that I mead the decision without talking to her. 

I can feel her circling.  She's been quiet and odd the whole time.  DH heads outside with SF to do something and the kids follow them out.  It's just her and I in the kitchen.

The first thing she asks is if my father is coming to visit.  I haven't told her he is coming in two weeks.  She is nosy and it's none of her business.  And there she will have an attitude about it (although I never quite know why).  Plus, whenever I've told her in the past that he is coming, she gets all offended and complains that he needs to go visit my sister too.  (And as background, he does visit her, but not as often.  They have a difficult relationship, and he doesn't particularly like going to visit her.  He did offer to visit her during her "cancer" but she refused...she refused everyone.  She also rarely visits my parents.  She has visited my mom once in seven years.  She has visited my father once in seven years; once she flew into his town but visited her abusive ex-boyfriend instead.  She has come to my home, but often at NM's expense.  NM always feels NSIS is getting the short end of the stick and is constantly taking up for her and demanding "equal" treatment.  She also expects all of us (including extended family) to coddle her, as NM does, make excuses for her lack of reciprocation, make excuses for her period, and bend to NSis, despite NSis being in her 30s). 

So, NM asks if my father is visiting (they have been divorced for 20 years).  I say "yes".  And she responds with "He really needs to go visit your sister!" in an exasperated tone.  And there it is.  I knew it was coming.  NM had been hinting around NSis.  Nsis, herself, had been hinting on FB (she rarely posts on FB) about visiting and my father's lack of visits (she said this to an odd, distant relative.  NSis had been posting odd posts, period, which I imagine where meant as some sort of "message")  NM had been detailing her recent visit to NSIS.  I had nodded and um-hmm-ed but didn't say much . I said "that's good." when NM told me NSIS had had a "checkup" for her condition and it all looked good.   I bet it did.  I sidestepped NM telling me how my NSIS makes the dish I was, at that moment preparing, but telling NM how I liked to do it.  NM changed the subject by cutting me off and saying "we all like to do it differently."  Um, OK.  So, NSIS's making of this dish is a story, but me telling you is boring you?

And when all that didn't work, she traps me by asking about my father's visit.  I tell her that that is none of my business.  That I don't know what his plans are.  That he has offered to visit her in the past and she refused.  I say it calmly and matter-of-factly.  I tell her that it's between NSIS and my father, as they are both adults and that it doesn't have to do with how often he visits me.  She is flustered and walks away and drops it.

She circles back.  She loops in my grandmother (my father's mother) and I tell her that my grandmother is moving.  She is surprised.  She usually hits up my paternal cousin for information (she works with him) but hadn't gotten this information.  I tell her that my father and I were discussing the move and how most of her belongings will be given away and if I wanted anything.  I tell her that a sentimental piece of my grandmother's cookery was given to me.  She gets sputter-y.  "WHAT ABOUT NSIS?  IS SOMEONE MAKING SURE SHE GETS SOMETHING?"  I say, I don't know.  That it's not between me.  Again, I stay calm and collected.  It's not my job to make sure NSIS gets anything.  NSIS has rarely made any effort to keep in contact with my grandmother.  She's, twice, had very upsetting confrontations with my grandmother.  Even when grandma had a heart attack, NM was sputtering that my grandmother needed to call NSIS about NSIS's medical condition.  It's always about NSIS. 

I repeat to NM that it's not place.  That I'm sure grandma has things for her, but I don't know and I haven't gotten involved. 

NM is worked up now.  (And the rest of this conversation gets fuzzy for me.  I was too busy avoiding the pit falls to remember it all verbatim.  I'll hit on the "highlights" with my thoughts in italics. And did I mention, I'm trying to cook dinner during this?)

NM is defending NSIS.  She is making points about how NSIS is forgotten and "better" be remembered.  I say that it's not my place.  I tell her that my father and NSIS are adults and will need to work it out for themselves.  NM says "well, I don't get in the middle either, but..." I cut her off.  I am not getting in the middle of it, I repeat.  Her relationship with my dad is not mine and doesn't effect mine.

NM starts in on how NSIS "misses me".  I say nothing.  She makes some remarks about how we can work it out.  I tell NM that I'm not discussing NSIS with her.  That NSIS, herself, asked me not to discuss her with our mother.  I say that I will not discuss it with her.  She keeps trying different angles.  She tells me that she "knows everything that has happened between you two."  "No.  You don't."  She takes on a superior tone, a smug tone, yes I do.  I say, "no.  you don't."  I'll admit, she almost had me for a minute.  I HATE when she tells me she knows me better than myself and that she knows everything that goes on.   I tell her that, as she has never bothered to ask me about my feelings, has never heard my side of the story, has never bothered to listen when I have told her my side of the story, she CLEARLY, does not know "all of it". 

Again, NM circles to another angle.  "Well, I just hope the two of you can work it out someday.  I just hope you can get back together.  I know how it is..." and then relates the experience to her and my aunt, who have had periodic estrangements.  I say "NSIS is not (aunt).  Aunt is weird and difficult, but she is NO NSIS."  NM smiles as if she's won a point, "I know how it is because of (aunt).  But I am not perfect either."  Her implication is that I'm not perfect either.  That it's a mutual between me and NSIS, this estrangement.  Ha.

"NSIS is not my aunt.  NSIS is abusive and cruel and mean.  NSIS lies and manipulates.  NSIS takes money from my father and then uses it for alternative purposes.  NSIS is not someone I want to be around anymore.  And besides, NSIS knows perfectly well how to "resolve" this rift between us.  I've told her, flatly, in an email how to do that."  I still am cool, calm, and collected.  I probably didn't need to say all I did about NSIS, but I really don't care.  It's the truth, I wasn't slandering her, and I was speaking calmly.  I repeat "NSIS had it all laid out for her in an email.  I'm sure she's read the email to you, since you know everything" I say to NM.  NM, generally surprised, says "what email?"  I say "what email?  Well, I guess you don't know everything then.  Regardless, she knows what I need to move on in this relationship and she's chosen not to do it.  She's chosen to try and buy me off with paltry peace offerings instead of making any real change.  And I won't move forward without that."

NM's stumped for a moment.  She then asks about the money from my father.  I say yes, he gives her money (not really the best thing to say, but not something I think my father would care for her to know).  The wheels are turning in NM's head.  She tries offering excuses up for NSIS.  I say, "Listen.  It's none of my business.  But the thing is, NSIS lies and is deceptive.  I know this because the stories I hear from you and the stories I hear from dad, don't correlate at all.  You both express COMPLETELY different accounts of things.  Somebody isn't telling the truth.  I believe NSIS lies to you and to dad, so you can not know the "whole truth".  I'm will not be a part of that anymore.  And I will not tolerate her abusive nature towards me, her manipulations, or her making me a part of deception."

NM again tries a new angle "Your father shouldn't discuss that with you." (HAHAHA.  Did she really just accuse me of gossiping behind someone's back?)  "You need to be careful.  He brings you up to NSIS and then says that NSIS needs to discuss things with you."  Well, that's just so convoluted I don't even know what to do with it.  She's accusing my dad, who's as straight forward as they get, of gossiping.  And frankly, aside from some basic "fact finding" we rarely discuss my sister, so I know he doesn't discuss me.  And clearly, he tells NSIS to deal with me herself, so how is he gossiping again?  All b.s.

Then NM tries to take my side when I repeat that, as NSIS is now, she is not healthy for me or my kids to be around .  She feigns sympathy.  Says that she always knew if she had to choose between her kids and her family, she'd choose her kids.  Gee, thanks.  But she has NEVER been in a situation like this.  She agrees as  I state that I do not want to expose my kids to NSIS's attention sucking behaviors that are often not child appropriate.  That NSIS's scuz ball of a boyfriend is not welcome around my kids.  I offer up a few examples of their inappropriate behavior around my kids.  NM seems disturbed.  When I make a few more statements, NM screws up her face, puffs out her cheeks, and closes one eye.  She looks like a cartoon character as she makes her exaggerated facial expressions.  She seems disturbed by what I'm saying, but I'm not sure why.  I don't really care.

And then NM goes pathetic.  She starts crying.  She states NSIS is toxic and hard to be around.  She says, dramatically, and with a pause, "That's why I ended up in the E.R. last fall."  Oh, fuck me.  I had forgotten that she told me about this before, and so I'm stunned for a minute.  But I quickly regroup.  Notice, she doesn't say WHAT the fuck she was in the E.R. for.  This is clearly for dramatic purposes.  "Why are you brining this up now, NM?  Why not then?"  Well, NM realizes she's getting beat.  She drops that line (it's pathetic anyway.  I remembered afterward she was in the hospital for a panic attack and got prescribed tranquilizers.  Good for her.  I suggested at the time she get some fucking therapy.  I would do the same now, but she knew this new tactic wasn't working.)

SO, then she tries "I just want to go back to the way our relationship was."  Sobs.  Ick.  And really, what fucking relationship?  The one where I had anxiety and panic attacks (oh, yeah, NM, I've had those too!  And a gun to my head!  So, guess what, we all have our mental health issues at time.  Get some help, I have.)  The relationship in which you dominated and controlled it all, demanding endless amounts of NS that was never enough?  Where you devalued and degraded me and accepted nothing I did as good enough?  Where I tried to be the perfect daughter and you shit on all attempts, and instead focused all your attention on NSIS?  Where you forced me to hand hold you and parent NSIS and made me fucking ill?  Yeah, let's go back to that.  "NM.  I call and text and email as much as I can.  Contact is hard on the phone with the kids, but I am in contact with you several times a week."  "I know." she sobs "things change.  I know it's hard.  I've been there and been busy...and someday you'll be where I am."  Where is that, NM?  Alone and desperate?  No, I won't.  Because I won't demand that my kids be my whole fucking life.  I won't be such an asshole that they won't want to be around me.  And if I am, than I'm sure I'll figure something to do with myself instead of whining and crying that no one loves me.  I despise that she threatens me like that: beware, someday, being a bitch to your mom will leave you alone too!

Then, NM ask for a hug.  I fucking recoil.  NO.  FUCKING. WAY.  I don't want a fucking hug.  And what fucking good would that do anyway.  She's on top of me, telling me how proud she fucking is of me and how much she loves me.  Frankly, I don't give a shit how proud she is of me.  It means NOTHING to me.  I walk away, and DH walks in.  Thank god.

He's in and out, but I tell him to come back I need his help.  He says he'll be right back in (he can tell something's up).  She tries a bit more shit (there is more to this confrontation, but I can't remember it all).  I tell her I'm done talking about it.  I walk away, again, from another hug.  I tell her again that NSIS is abusive and name calling.  She says "don't let her do that to you."  I say, "I don't.  That's why we are in the situation we are in."  Game.  Set.  Match.  I win. 

DH walks in and NM makes a big show about how he's "the best son-in-law".  Ick.  "I'm not just saying this, Jessie!"  OK. 

We get through dinner and she acts like nothing happened.  And then has the balls to ask me if I'm having another kids...because SHE wants me to.

Sigh.  She's never going to change. 

But I have.  I felt fucking awesome.  She NEVER rattled me.  She NEVER baited me or got me to respond.  I remained in control and strong.  It bothered me.  It made me sad.  It certainly pissed me off, but she didn't draw me into a drama match.  And I finished fucking dinner.  And it was good.

Afterwards, I was processing it.  I realized she never once seemed concerned about how it was effecting me.  She didn't even ask for my feelings.  She was only concerned about her and NSIS.  What they needed, who was screwing them, how life sucks for them.  Well, too damn bad.  I'm done with that shit.  It was amazing how clearly she fell into the narc patterns.  How easy it was to see them coming.  How little they stung.  Do I just not care anymore?  I'm sure there will be some backlash to this.  I'm sure that she will come at me again.  But I'm not fucking afraid of her anymore.


A couple of other things, mainly just to vent.  This woman has serious boundary issues.  DH was on the phone.  Instead of excusing herself, she just listened in.  I tried to get her to leave but she just "hung around" and, clearly, listened.  When a neighbor came to the door, she had to come around and peer over DH's shoulder.  She invited my son to climb into bed with her in the morning.  This bugged me and he was instructed to not do it again. 

She relishes the role of "older and wiser" with the kids.  She forces "teaching" moments on them, most of the time, not even knowing what she was doing.  She kept forcing DS to listen as she "instructed" the appropriate way to line up bowling pins.  He couldn't have cared less and told her, repeatedly, that he just wanted to play.  I told her that she was sucking all of the fun out of it.  She didn't care and just kept going on.  He finally walked away.  This annoys the hell out of me, as I feel she is taking advantage of a "captive" audience to appear as the great teacher.  Which she's not.  She also sets DS up, by purposely buying toys for my other son of DS's interests.  And when he suggested a way they could play together with it, she jumped on the chance to chastise him.  I nipped that shit in the bud immediately. 

She used several opportunities to put me down to DH, by acting like she "sympathized" with him in my treatment of him.  I was teasing him because he called something a funny combination name that was a completely different word, but similar sounding.  DH does not have an insecurity about his intellect, so me correcting him and teasing him doesn't bother him.  NM does have an insecurity about being "dumb" and it does bother  NM if I correct her (although she often ASKS me to correct her and I'm always kind.  Damn double bind.).  So, she says "don't worry, DH.  She does that to me too."  Yeah, well, fuck off. 

NM feels that everything that goes on should be run by her, and if she doesn't understand she expects an explanation.  But she doesn't ask for one, she states something in a weird way, like I'm some sort of freak for what I just said.  It's hard to explain.  But here's an example.  One evening, I needed a break, so I said I was going to get the mail.  I really don't need to tell her where I'm going anyway, but she watches me (and accounts for me) like a hawk.  I snuck off to email Kara during the ordeal and was only gone five minutes before I hear NM shrieking my name.  Geez.  Anyway, I say I'm going to get the mail.  "THE MAIL?!?"  NM says, screwing up her face and raising her voice at the end.  Another time, DH reminded me to bring ketchup.  She says, in the same raised voice and odd questioning way "KETCHUP?!?"  I say, yay, ketchup.  She repeats "KETCHUP?!?"  I say, yay, for the party.  Two can play this fucking game.  If you can't just say "what do you need ketchup for?"  then I can't answer you.  Finally, DH breaks in and tells her, but I figure if she's going to demand answers for questions she hasn't asked, she can kiss my ass.

So, there you are folks.  The last morning was tense.  NM did make some comments about coming again soon to watch DS play sports.  I let it go.  Step father gave me an extra long hug and was more than kind to me when leaving.  I felt it was sincere but I wondered why.  He and I have always been at a distance...until I started standing up for myself.   He seems to like me more now.  NM hugged me lamely goodbye.  Nothing was resolved and I don't expect it to be.  This is how it has always been and how it always will be.

I do worry about my son.  He loves her and ask for her a lot.  She is fun for him.  She can be silly and goofy and plays a lot with him.  She gives him a lot of attention.  But she's fucking dangerous.  I know, NC would be best.  But it's just not possible right now.  So, I hope I can help him navigate her and teach him how to deal with her.  I've already started.  And we work on it.  And he already notices a lot (which I capitalize on when I can).  I guess we'll just take one step at a time.  And if it gets worse, I know where the exit sign is. 

Thanks for reading, folks.  And thanks for all of the support.  Sneaking in and finding emails and loving concern sustained me through the weekend.  It all meant more to me than you'll know.  Thanks, Jessie.


 

The Elephant in the Room

Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills.  I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better.  But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw.  So, again this post will be about her.

I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon.  I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them.  I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids.  As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all).  But it was manageable   I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.

Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend.  I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me.  When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed.  But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger.  As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced  how I could approach him in a less aggressive way.  When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home.  I had expected you home at 4."  He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off.  OK.  I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door.  I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.)  I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help.  He agreed.

It was wonderful.  I felt accomplished.  I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening.  So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back.  He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday.  They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner."  So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it.  MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them.  No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL.  Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs.  There is an agenda to it:  she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL.  It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line.  She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky.  Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say.  But it just seems like this happens all the time.  MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans.  No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us.  Sure, we can refuse to go.  We can say we have other plans.  But we know there is an implied demand that we comply.  It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact.  We are never consulted.  And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.

But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it.  But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too.  They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour.  I told (MIL) that we couldn't."  So, here we were.  Another surprise visit.  A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour.  BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time.  But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated.  My stomach started hurting.  I tensed up.  I started shaking and getting antsy.  What in the hell was going on?  My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go.  This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.

A little background to the farm tours.  The farm is down the street from my house.  I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend).  SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise).  I believe they went with us once.  But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends.  Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to.  But this isn't the first time this has happened.  It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else.  It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together.  In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids  (cousins of close age) can play.  DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us.  Ever.  After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together.  So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people.  And that's what happened here.  BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL.  We are not family apparently   And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us.  MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all.   They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us.  Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother.   She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch.  Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)

I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table.  But hearing about the farm just shut me down.  I had to tell him.  I had to tell him my feelings.  I needed to get it out and I needed his support.  But I knew better.  I knew he wouldn't understand.  I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me.  But it sounded stupid.  Why couldn't they go to the tour?  They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically.  Another habit she has.  She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.)  DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic.  And that's what I'm sure I sounded like.  This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place.   She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.

I thought and thought about it.  I consumed a glass of wine.  And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:

MIL is like an elephant.  A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force.  You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons.  The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face.  And she's running at me with a flag in her hand.  Constantly.  This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine.  She just barrels right over the top of me.  It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle.  She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself.  So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine.  She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way.  She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created.  For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others.  AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me.  (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share.  That family does share.  There are no boundaries).  She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too.  She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there.  She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself.  She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything.  It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself.  How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created).  She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm.  It'll be an annual "family thing".  And she does this to me over and over and over and over.

But here is the hard part.  Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant.  They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!"  "She's just excited" they'll exclaim.  They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour.  Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own".  They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go.  They'll say, why do you need credit?  But the thing is, I don't need the credit.  But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT.  She has to be in charge and directing it all.  No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her.  Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants.  No one sees that she has buried me in the ground.  They just see a loving, excited grandma.  I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.

A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant.  That is what she is to me.  Recognizing this has helped.  I actually was able to communicate this to DH.  He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.

But what do I do now?  How do I stop a charging elephant?  How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?

My Weekend in the Narc Hood Part 1

I've been rolling the events of my weekend around in my head.  I really wasn't going to post about it.  Because really I didn't know what to say.  And some of the details were other people's private details.  I've been (probably poorly) trying to limit (edit?) some of the details of my life to protect my anonimity.  And I didn't know how I could discuss all that's happened without compromising myself a bit.  But then I decided I really didn't care anymore.  I'm not saying anything that I wouldn't discuss directly with the people involved.  And it all just started to get so crazy, that I needed to write it all down; for myself, and for some outside perspective.

Before I start, I'll apologize that this post might be a bit tangential.  There is a lot of background and side stories that figure into the events (isn't there always with narcs?).  Also, I've been dealing with crap from both my husband's family and my family.   Although its all been going on concurrently,  I decided to separate the two situations into two separate posts.  So, here goes part 1:

I think my sister is going crazy.  For a little recap:  sister claimed several months back that she had cancer.  Cancer of the lady parts.  Which lady parts is still up for debate.  Sister is in her early 30s.  Sister was diagnosed in early 2012 (and all of this is speculative, because nothing has been directly told to me by my sister.  And even if she had told me directly, it's all suspect at this point.)  In August, sister announced, very late at night and on FB that she has cancer.  She hadn't told my dad and hadn't told me.  I reached out on several occasions to get her to talk, but got vague answers, if at all.  As I've been told, sister got radiation and hormone treatment (all as outpatient) once a week for a  month.  She was very vague with everyone.  She avoided all phone calls from my father and mother, or took them sparingly, claiming she was fatigued or too upset to talk.  She never returned my attempts to contact her.  During this time, she also ignored my son's birthday (nothing new, she's missed the last several) and ignored my son's surgery.   She took money from my dad, managed to go out and cash the check, but never managed to call and thank him or even say she got it.   She called my dad once and screamed at him for being a bad father and ruining her life (because of situations revolving around my parents' divorce almost 20 years ago).  She was so hysterical that my dad finally had to hang up and call the cops.  She also stated to him that her boyfriend is beating her (she has been in many relationships where domestic violence is involved.)  She cried that she didn't know what to do, and was unwilling to listen to him offer solutions.   During this time, my father offered to come visit and help or stay with her, but she told him it was unnecessary.  She called my father in the middle of the night, twice, the night before her retest for cancer with a "panic attack" (I have no way to validate it as a panic attack, but these were my sister's words).  My father talked to her for over an hour at 3:30 a.m.   My sister never called to let him know the results of said retest.

My mother (NM) has also had limited contact with my sister, but has been her unwavering supporter.  Although my sister has offered limited information, and often brushed her off, (and I'm sure also accepted money from her), my mother has repeatedly lobbied for sister's "support" during her time of crisis.  NM has admonished me for not supporting sister enough (during my son's birthday, and if you'll remember, they tried to have a little "reunion" during this time to show my sister support...during my son's birthday).  NM has offered up lots of excuses for sister.  She has vilified sister's boyfriend as an abuser.  She has found lots of ways to excuse sister from any and all responsibility for herself.    NM has also managed to sneak in a few jabs at my father (a man she cheated on and left) for not being their enough for sister AND for NM!  NM has called my father several times to discuss sister, for no other reason that I can see, than to create drama.  

NM sent me an email over the weekend detailing how sister and her abusive boyfriend had a nice weekend together.  My broke sister, who took off lots of time for treatment, took off several days to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday (included, I'm sure, was a nice material gift.  Many, many times, I've listened to my sister cry that she's too broke to buy Christmas gifts for her family-not that I expect one-and then cry that she can't decide which expensive gift to buy her boyfriend.).  Sister and boyfriend also went out and bought new items for their apartment (relatively pricey ones).  Guess daddy's check helped out right in time.

So, last night I get an email from my dad telling me that my beloved Grandmother had a heart attack and was life flighted to a larger hospital for treatment.  (Yes, the email was a horrible choice, one I would have been upset about, had he not called me today to follow up. )  A little more background, Grandmother does not like my mother and hasn't since the divorce.  She's never been calloused or judgmental  but my mother pulled some really crappy shit around that time (some of which was directly against my grandmother) and my grandmother has chosen to not want anything to do with NM (and fairly so).   Around 8 years ago, my sister went to visit my grandmother.  For some reason, my sister didn't feel like my mother was welcoming and kind enough to her.  So after the visit, my sister wrote a long (and not kind) email to my grandmother.  This caused another rift.  My sister, as recently as six months ago, said she really never cared to talk to my grandmother, and blamed my grandmother for the fight.

This morning, very, very early in the morning (read: long before most people are up) my sister started text messaging me and calling me in a tizzy over my grandmother.    I hadn't slept most of last night and I was not happy to get this early wake up call (also, my sister works odd hours so she's often up in the very early morning.  She thinks nothing of calling people at 2 or 3 a.m.   Often she is drunk and hysterical.  Often she's in a fight with someone.  She takes it personally when you are not there to "support her".  I've confronted her, and until today, she's stopped calling me like that.  My mother turns off her phone at night.  Dad has been getting the majority of the calls lately).  When I finally got up, I wondered what in the hell my sister possibly could need to discuss with me about my grandma.   It was almost like she was rushing to tell me the "gossip".   She obviously had no impulse control.

My mother also sent text messages.  In one, she asked if I was "doing OK".  Ever since I told her I wanted their drama out of my life, she treats me as if I'm just too fragile and "not strong" enough to deal with stress.  Stress is one thing, stupid drama is another.  In the next texts, she details that all the information she's managed to drum up from one of my relatives that she has contact with.   It really, really pissed me off that she felt I was not adult enough to get the information myself.  That she had to rush and get the "scoop" and get involved.  And that it was all for the sake of being in the middle of everything.  She also tells me that my dad "wasn't very forthcoming" with information for my sister.   And that my sister wants to call my grandma.  WTF?  I want to call and yell for her to keep sister away from my grandmother.  I mean, my sister is unstable, not particularily nice, and the last thing she needs is a call from my long, lost sister.  But I decide it's not my place to tell my sister (through my mother, none-the-less) what to do.  I'm really, really annoyed with both of them.  But I decide to ignore them.

My father calls this afternoon to update me and let me know what's going on (he had another family member's funeral to go to this morning).  He tells me that my sister called him last night screaming and verbally abusing him again for ruining her life.  Now, while I do agree that the period of time my sister is referring to did change our lives forever, and that she needs to process it to move on, I'm not sure how screaming at my dad will change that.  And while my dad can be a self-absorbed, selfish, one-sided person, he has ALWAYS owned up to his part in the divorce and the aftermath.  He has always apologized (a real apology) and claimed his part.  He may not totally get how bad it was, but he's always held himself accountable.  And after 20 years, and a lot of bad choices on my sister's part, she needs to take some responsibility for treating herself.  (And I've got to wonder in all of this, what the hell happened with her cancer?  It's all but been forgotten as far as I know).   My sister yells at my father for not paying child support and rationalizes that this is why he owes her money.  It's all his fault she screams.

And here's the kicker.  My dad tries three times (THREE TIMES) to tell my sister that my grandmother has had a heart attack and is in intensive care.  He told me that every time she just continues to rail against him.  Until he finally has to hang up.  And turn off the phone.  And it's not until this morning that she becomes SO upset about my grandmother that she makes early morning phone calls to me.

I've kind of had it at this point.  This is all so ridiculous in my mind.  All I can think is WTF?  What the hell is going through her little head? I've been wrestling for awhile with all the secrets about my sister that my mom and sister have had me keep from my dad.  How they collaberate in getting him to give my sister money.  How my mom boosts my sister up into believing he owes her something.  How my sister has flown off to visit her very abusive ex-boyfriend not to long ago (once in the city where my father lives.  Sister didn't bother to go visit my dad at this time).   How my sister lies and manipulates to get what she wants.  I struggle with how much this information is none of my business, and not my crap to tell, and I might be a gossip for telling my dad, how I really need to stay out of it and how much she is lying and manipulating my dad to get what she wants.  It's hard to know all these "secrets" of hers.  And to know my dad makes decisions on how to help her that aren't based in knowing the whole truth.   I have struggled with what the right thing to do was.  But today I told him some things.  Today I told him I thought my sister was lying about her cancer.  Maybe not totally, but that things don't add up.  I told him that she is seriously mentally ill and that he needs to quit enabling her.  I told him that she lies and manipulates him.  I stopped short of some of the things I think would've really hurt him.  I'm so conflicted.  I feel like she's been abusing him.  But I also think he's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions on things.

And I can't help but think that in the end, my grandmother's in the hospital and it's all about them again.  Even if it's somewhat unintentional, they've greased the wheels so much that it circles back around to them.  I think my sister is going crazy (well is getting crazier).  I think my mother is feeding her crazy side.  I'm very afraid for what's ahead.  Things just don't feel good right now.

Your Life is Better Than Her's

I apologize ahead of time for the scatter-brained nature of this post.

NM is playing games again.  I've mentioned before that she promised me a favor.  I knew ahead of time that she'd make me pay.  And pay she has.  It started almost a month ago.  She has to travel to my home for this favor.  Normally, I'd get 500 phone calls/emails/texts wanting to discuss the trip.  She said nothing.  And she continued to say nothing about the trip.  I thought, OK, well, let's play this out.  See how far it goes.  Well, two weeks ago, she started laying the groundwork.  I knew it was coming.  Tomorrow is NSIS's  "follow-up" appointment with the doctor.  I knew she was keeping her options open, in case she had to rush to NSis's side.  So, she started mentioning little things.  Slipping in how she wasn't feeling well.  Not returning my emails when I flat asked her if she was still coming.  She left my emails dangling for three whole days (this is a woman who texts/emails/calls several times a day.  I don't answer or respond, just for the record).  Finally, she decides to reply that she's "planning on coming."    Two days later, I get an email that she's got some physical ailment that will prevent her from coming...maybe...sort of.  Now, I'm annoyed.    I called out her bullshit.  Because, even though I can replace her, I actually kind of needed this favor.  And she knew that.  And she knew that it was actually a bit of an honor for me to have asked her  for this favor.  But instead of having any sort of acknowledgement of the honor (I know that sounds weird, since she's doing the favor for me) that I would select her to do this important thing for me, she's rubbing my nose in it.  I got pissed.  I called her bluff.  I told her not to worry about it.  Of course, then she became "cured"...sort of...but most likely.  Ugh.  The game playing.  I know, I know, quit playing her game.  I am glad that I didn't rise to her bait.  I didn't react.  I measured my responses.  I didn't let her get to me.  So, I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

You'd think that's be she'd be the one most on my mind, with all her game playing, but really it's my dad.  He's been trying to get a hold of me for awhile now.  We've been playing phone tag.  As I've told you all, I've been very busy (funeral, out of town on vacation, out of town wedding, "single parent" for several nights while DH was out of town, etc.).  Plus, I've got two little kids.  Trying to fit in phone calls (and these are not five minute calls, but usually an hour or so) in between naps, lunch, baths, dinner, doctor's appointments, and school is difficult.  I usually have two free hours a day.  And by free, I mean that I get two hours to clean, cook, shower, and maybe, just maybe have some time for myself.  I'm not complaining, it's just life right now.  I can't talk on the phone when my kids are around because they start to fight for my attention.  And dad would not be happy about screaming kids in the background.  So, I tried to call him back several times, over several weeks.  Then, I knew he was going out of town on vacation.  So, I popped an email out saying that he should let me know when he gets back.  Well, as soon as he gets back, he calls and starts out with a comment about how I'm difficult to get a hold of.  Then, he makes some crack about my husband being in a profession of crooks (and just for the record, he doesn't have a high opinion of 99% of the population or their profession).  I'm starting to get annoyed.  He asks if I've heard from my sister.  I say no.  I tell him that she won't return my calls and I'm done trying to get a hold of her.  He says she won't call him back either and says he's about to write us BOTH off and quite calling us.  WTF.  How did I get lumped in with her?  He's always lumping me in with her.  He transfers his feelings about us back and forth like we are two ends of the same sea.  It takes me a minute to regroup.  My dad can be vicious.  He can also be very nice and kind.  He was much more vicious when I was a kid but he's been better for a long time now.  I'm always on alert, though.  I always expect the verbal beat down.

But I'm determined to be strong and stand up for myself.  I catch my breath and tell him that what he said was fucked up.  That lumping me in with his entitled, take everything, spoiled daughter is not cool.  That I, unlike her, have tried to call him back, several times.

 He doesn't say anything.  We move on.  We talk circles around my spoiled sister again.  He says he's tired of going circles around the same conversation (he always thinks he gets determine when a conversation is over).  We talk about my childhood.  He seems surprised when I tell him how life was with my mom and sister.  Genuinely surprised.  I wonder where the hell he was when I was a kid.  How he missed so much.  He apologizes for being such an ass when I was a kid.  He says he was a bad parent.  I believe he is sincere in his regret.  I know he's gained a lot of perspective and he knows he was abusive.   He hit us.  Not a lot, but enough.  Always for "discipline".  Problem was, the punishment never fit with the crime.  He hit us with a belt (that we had to go get) for not doing the dishes, fighting, not cleaning our rooms.  He left welts.  I have struggled for so long with this.  I always excused it.  He was only disciplining us, my child-mind rationalized.  It was  the only way he knew how.  That's what his parents did.    Everyone's parents spanked them.  I'm beginning to think they didn't.  And I don't know why, but his admitting it, made me feel free.  Like I could also speak out and say it was not OK what he did.

The conversation was heavy, but we moved on to my mother's and my sister's relationship.  I fished out a couple of things about narcissism to see how he'd react.  He agrees that my mother is deceitful.  He agrees she enables my sister.  But when I suggested that she likes to keep my sister dependent on her so that she can feel important he was stunned.  Why would a mom sabotage her own daughter? he asked, in disbelief.  I knew that he wouldn't be able to hear any more on the subject.

I tried to make it back to my original point.  See, he's been enabling NSis a lot lately too.  Sending her money, asking for no accountability from her.  Allowing her to continue to behave like a spoiled child.  I wanted him to know that I'm not trying to punish NSis.  I'm not in some petty sibling feud.  I told him that I expect her to treat me with the same dignity and respect and love that I've always treated her.  That the relationship needs to be reciprocal.  That she has obligations to me too.  He agreed.  He said that he didn't feel like it was my role to provide for her or take care of her.  I believed him.

But then he said, "But in the end, you're life is better than her's."  And there it was.  The excuse.  The dismissal.  The proof that, no matter how upset he is about how she acts towards him, he doesn't understand me at all.  That he does feel I owe her something.  Because my life is "better".  DH, when I told him this, said "well, that's awfully subjective.  I know lots of people who'd rather have her life than yours."  Which is true.  She has no responsibility.  She has no accountability.  She parties and sleeps until noon and spends money on herself.  Now, is she happy?  No.  Does she want more?  Yes.  But her life isn't some horrible mess.  And if it is, it's ALL due to choices she's made.  She's made the choice to lead her life the way she has.  And while I love my life, my kids, and my husband, it's no walk in the park all of the time.  My sister would fall apart with 2 years of three-hours-of-sleep a night, the endless routine of taking care of kids, kids puking in your hands, cleaning, cooking, and caring for others,  all to do it all over the next day.  To be responsible and think of someone besides herself would not be her cup of tea.  I love my life.  My sister, would not.  My dad would prefer my life, but not everyone thinks like my dad.    And even, let's assume, that my life is better?  Does that excuse her behavior?  Does that make me responsible for her?  Does that make her not responsible?  Does that make her unaccountable?  No, I don't think it does.