Rage, then Anger, than Annoyance, and then Hurt

My NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed.  The relationships have always been very codependent.

As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister.  We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there.  In social situations, we were always together.  Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her.   In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going.  Not so much in others.  We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.)  My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).

My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship.  NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM.  NM always babied her and coddled her.  NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father).  Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants.  NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.)  NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I.  NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off.  NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.

NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too.  When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.)  I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores.  I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her.  NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge".  If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded.  My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.)

NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her.  She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.)  She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts.  Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more.  I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.)  She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.)

Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel.  How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own.  No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her.  I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints.  For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.)  Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.

My sister is very dependent on my mother.  When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out.  She got ALL of the therapy.  She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all).  She relies on my mother to help her out.  But she also gets very annoyed with her.  NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about.  NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home.  She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more.  NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P)  My sister rarely visited NM in her home.

Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better.  They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of).  I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent).  They act very lovey dovey on FB.  They are very defensive about each other.  While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it.

My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister.  She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister.  She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation.  Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say).  When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me.  She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile.  She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me".  I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation.  In fact, she doesn't even ask about me.

I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.)  I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything.  NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.)  But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation).  I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy".  But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?

NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS.  Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love".  BARF.

I do not want to be on NM's profile.  I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else.  She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public).  I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together.  In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them.  Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering.  Few real conversations.  Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself.  The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible.

But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister.  It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside.  That she has taken sides (which I've always felt).  When my sister was in town, fine.  But just randomly?  And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo.  It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS.  And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something.  I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people.  She loves to bait.

Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing.  You should be acknowledging it!!!")  I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet.  And photos like that one just plain piss me off.  I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt.

Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore.  (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.)  But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this.  How my well being is of little concern to her.  Now of this shocks me or surprises me.  And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters".  Blech.

Changes with NM

So.  NM.  Was it better.  No, not particularly.   Did she get to me?  No, not particularly.

I'm getting to the point where I've pretty much emotionally detached from her.  I don't feel this aching need for her to get me or understand me or validate me.  I'm unwilling to accept any sort of "love" or "caring" from her, as I know it isn't real (or is fleeting).  She doesn't work me up (as much) emotionally.  Sure, she's still annoying as hell, but I'm don't get overworked and over raw around her.  I've learned to LEAVE the scene when I can't take anymore (I disappeared for chunks of time over the weekend.  She only came "looking" for me once.   I did not allow her to amp up the drama.)

It's interesting watching her from a much more distance, unemotional place.  She is. such. a. child.   It's amazing to me the many ways this woman can bring things back to herself.  I mention I'm not thrilled with my son's kindergarten teacher.  "OH!  Not like YOUR kindergarten teacher, huh!"  She seems to take personal responsibility for my teacher, like she GIFTED the woman to me.  She also did this with when I mentioned my sons doctors and how I was switching.  She completely MISSED the points I was trying to make and never asked WHY I was switching or felt uneasy with the teacher.   In the past, this would've made me feel invalidated and angry.  But this time, shrug.  I told her that I had little memory of either of these people, which annoyed her. 

Every conversation turns around to what she would do, how she did it, or what it was like when I was a kid (because, apparently, I can't remember how SHE did things as a mom).  Everything is said in a way that clues me in that she believes she's giving advice.  Propping herself up.  Patting herself on the back.  I rarely begin conversations at all because she doesn't listen and will tune into her phone or the kids.  This used to annoy me too, but now I just say "Are you listening?"  When she nods and "ummm hummm" I say "no you're not".   Then, I stop the conversation.  Even if she tells me to continue.  Nope, you had your chance.  It gets tiring listening to her was poetic about herself, disguising it as conversation. 

She also demands TONS of attention.  She gets pissy and complains if the kids spend too much time with her husband.  But then she gets pissy and complains when OS takes up "too much" of her attention.  Or puts demands on her.  Once, when the kids and I asked her to come outside and look at something, she purposely procrastinated.  In the past, I would've fumed.  This time, when OS complained that she wasn't coming, I said "Do you know the kids are waitng for you?" and then to my son "I guess she's not interested."  She likes to be asked to do things and then to stall.  I'll have to remember this in the future.  She keeps bringing up people no one cares about and making huge announcements about what is going on (her coworker's daughter was getting married and NM was very involved in the drama, texting for updates and then expecting our rapt attention as she discussed it.)  She kept bring up the same trivial bullshit over and over (SD!  I'm so worried about the weather and we may not be able to camp out next weekend.  She brought this up every day and stressed over the weather report.  She made us go shopping for camping equipment.  It would really be comical how she demands so much attention if it wasn't so annoying).

She's also profoundly negative.  How she describes things, even when not intending to be a bitch, comes out pissy.  For example, DH and stepdad were going to go somewhere and NM asked "Or will OS throw a fit because he can't go."  It's the "throw a fit" part that gets me.  It's an awful negative characterization by my standards.   When we were leaving for OS's game, she came up and started nagging Stepdad (SD) , saying "Do you still have to brush your teeth?!?  Well you better get going!!! We are leaving soon!!"  Then she stood there patting herself on the back (out loud) for "taking the reins".  She went on and on about how she had to lord over stepdad and keep him on track (which is untrue.  SD is very considerate and (mostly) thoughtful (he has been known to pout) and always is ready on time.  The whole situation was very emasculating for SD, in my opinion, and NM would not let it go.  She gets this gleeful expression when she does stuff like this and thinks she's being 'strong" and "in charge" and hides it behind the fact that "he's being rude and inconsiderate of Jessie and DH".  Lots and lots of shaming go on around her.  I've learned to ignore her when she does this or walk away.  Before she'd try and haul me into participating, but I ignore it.   Interestingly, since I've begun to stand up to NM, my relationship with SD has improved.  His much kinder, no longer snarks at me, and seems considerate and interested in me.  (Side note, my father and I's relationship has also improved once I removed myself from all of the drama with my sister.)  I assumed SD would attack me for taking on NM, but he seems to be grateful for it. 

I also notice that NM requires CONSTANT validation.  She forces people to agree with what she says.  For example "I also do such and such, don't I SD, don't I!"  It's not a question.  Poor SD always just nods.  It's like watching her use him as a mirror in real time.  She says something and then forces "the mirror" to reflect it back by agreeing with her.  I quit doing this too.  I either ignore her questions, or give a contrary opinion.  Not to piss her off, but because that's how I feel. 

She also is quite contradictory, speaking out of both sides of her ass.   In the midst of a conversation she said that she "likes having my kids grown and gone.  I like my life and having it to myself. I don't want to go back to parenting and take care of kids all of the time."  And then two seconds later she talked about how she would drop everything to care for her grandsons all of the time. 

After the soccer game, NM knew I was upset.  I decided to let her see how I was feeling.  (I know TW, don't kill me.)  I had no expectations of validation, gave no information that would make me vulnerable, but (factually) explained what bothers me and express the appropriate emotions with it.    I'm sick and tired of either hiding my emotions or pretending it's OK.   I know that this opens NM up with information, but I don't care.  She already had the information and could clearly see what was going on.  I expressed how ANGRY I was with MIL at the game.   I didn't allow NM to comfort me (I pushed off all hugs she tried to give me.  Fuck that.  And some hug from NM wasn't going to wipe away my emotions.  I actually think showing her my emotions bothers her.  Another reason I don't mind not hiding them from her.)

The first incident the following day came when she brought up a family reunion she wants to plan with her FOO.  This FOO of is VERY dysfunctional, not close and has rarely gotten together.  Plus, NM wants NSIS to be there.  She asked what I thought, all bubbly and excited.  I said "good luck with that.  Your family doesn't seem to be the "family reunion" type."  (Plus, she's already told me that they were struggling to agree on doing it.  No one wanted to take it on....because no one really wants to do it.  I'm sure they think it sounds as uncomfortable and fraught with tension as I do.)  This pissed NM off and she started arguing that my perceptions were wrong.  Well, so be it.  Then, she went on and on about the plans for it.  I ignored it and finally turned my back.  (I was making cupcakes at the time, and one batch came out completely wonky.  The first ones were good, but the last few I'd completely messed up.  I told DH you could see the evolution of the conversation in those cupcakes.)  This pissed her off more and she bustled outside to make a phone call.  I'm guessing to NSIS (who the fuck else would she call.  She has no friends and has no one she needed to call. )  She never said who she was talking to, but was out there for an half an hour (she also used to do this, calling me when frustrated while visiting NSIS, so it's a habit for her).   I'll admit, it pissed me off.  She also used to have a habit of calling NSIS the second BEFORE she would walk into my home to visit.  She would spend the first ten minutes of a visit with us describing me, my house, and everything to my sister before she would even greet me.  I hated this.  And you can't call her on it.  She just says "aren't I allowed "me" time?!"  When the kids complain she's on her phone instead of playing she says she's "tired".  I told her last time that she always says how much she doesn't get to spend time with the kids, that it seems a shame to waste time she IS with the kids on her phone. 

The next day, she cornered me as we all prepared to go out for a walk.  She does this often to force "alone time" on me.  She calls it "mother - daughter" time when my son asks where we were (almost implying my son is being obnoxious for asking it, like he's annoyed that I got NM's attention.  Which maybe he is, he's six and likes to be played with.  But she reacts as if he's doing something selfish and uncaring. Just another example of how she her reactions are skewed in a negative way that makes the other person feel shamed.)

She kept flitting around from topic to topic.  First asking about my grandmother who is dying.  I've avoided the topic in the past, but I know she knows now.  I gave her the information I have: she's dying, I don't know when, I don't know of what type of cancer, and I don't know how she is (this is a whole other story).  NM starts in on what my she told my sister to do.  Starts pestering me about questions about my dad.  I close off.  She flits to another topic: my dad.  Asks if he came to visit this year.  I say no.  She starts to give an opinion on my father, how he should take time off, how he should visit my sister (even though she visited him instead, the first time in SEVEN years.  But of course he is expected to dance around my sister too), blah, blah.  I've been down that road.  I say "yes, I wish he visited more.  But it's his loss and I can't force him to do more than he does."  I show no emotion, I state the facts, and then I quit responding.

She says some more crap.  Then she brings up her father, an alcoholic, asshole of a man who has is spoiled and has always expected his own way.  He was a horrible father and a piss poor grandfather (he wasn't mean to us, but could care less.  He's done some kind things for me in the past, but he's not, by any stretch, a good grandfather.  I have few feelings towards him except mild kindness and duty. Note: not obligation, but duty.)  She says that he brought up that he felt like a horrible dad.  NM gets up on her soap box again (I really don't know how to explain this.  She takes this odd, mature, superior tone where she acts as if she's schooling all of us.  It's sort of like a lecture.   I suppose with her family, she is imparting wisdom, but for me, it just seems ridiculous. )  She said she told grandfather "we got both good things from you and bad things dad.  It wasn't all bad...." blah, blah.  I appreciate that she's seeing him from a continuum, but I actually feel she's glossing over the bad things.  Like she's "balancing" things out.  I do not believe that good things, balance out bad.  I'm finally able to see that my childhood DID have good things in it, that I took lessons from both my mother and father, that she wasn't awful, all the time.  But I certainly wouldn't level it out and say that it was OK.  And it seemed she was saying this all to seem superior rather than any real understanding of what she was saying.  And I couldn't stop myself.  Matter of factually, I said "but he wasn't a good dad.  You maybe have gotten a good work ethic from him, but he was a horrible father."  She sputtered.  "And he was a piss poor grandfather."  She sputtered again, regrouped and started in on her lecture again about how to "properly view parents in good and bad light" and how my grandfather blames my grandmother for all the "bad" traits in the kids.  I kept all emotion out of my voice and again said "he was not a good grandfather and she was not a good grandmother."  She stopped and then, like a switch, agreed with me.  But not because she got it, but because it gave her a moment to vent about him.   I said "he is a spoiled, selfish man who only focuses on himself. "  And then there she was back to the childish NM, bitching about how awful he is, how horrible he was, how spoiled he is.  It was rather crazy to watch in real time. 

And then DH and SD and the kids came back.  She lost "her moment".  I felt SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.  I dislike these moments of being trapped by her, but at least I am no longer afraid of them.  She can't drag me down.  I didn't respond emotionally and was able to think about things before I responded.  I also didn't allow her to feed me a lot of bullshit.  I spoke my truth.

Also, when I talked to her about MILs behavior at the party (NM FORCES me to drive with her.  She loads all of the party shit in her car before I have a chance, and when I, repeatedly tell her no, she argues.  Last time, I was able to get my way, this time I could care less.)  She told me that all the things I'd told her about MIL (I gave her very factual, concrete examples of her behavior.  In the past, I've fluttered around my feelings and have been unable to say WHY MIL bothers me so much.)  NM said "maybe I shouldn't be so nice to her tomorrow."  (I may have mentioned that NM and MIL like to pretend that they are going to be friends.)  In the car going to the party, she told me how much it bothered her to hear I'm treated like that.  (Which is crap, she's heard it all before.  And while it bothers her and she's said it bothered her before, she still makes 'nicey-nicey' with MIL.)  So, at first, NM goes on attack mode with them.  Purposely trying to be snarky to them.  Then, she tells me at one point MIL was annoying her and going off, so IN ORDER TO TRY AND DEFLECT THAT, NM pulled out her phone and started showing MIL pictures of an accomplishment in which she's being publically recognized (and lord, was I sick of hearing about that).   I thought it so messed up that NM's solution to MILs arrogance and intrusions and selfishness is just to talk about herself.  I guess she fights "fire" with "fire".    MIL, for her part, tolerates NM and politely nods and smiles her phony smile (I wish I could describe it.  It's a smile, but there is a hint of smirk in it, along with panic and anxiety and contempt).   

I find it interesting to watch how NMs reaction to them treating me badly is to talk about how it upsets HER.  But then when she can support me, she doesn't (I did tell MIL she was wrong about the theme of my son's party.  NM told MIL she had been calling it the same thing.  Thanks for the support NM!)  She kept trying to pull me in for a hug, which I resisted.    Her hugs feel like a cheap band aid and method for her to feel like she's doing something.  She said "it's OK to accept a hug."  Um, nope.  It's not, from you NM.  Because that puts me in a vulnerable position.  I can speak my truth, but I will not accept her compassion, as that puts me at risk of being hurt.  She offers no verbal support.  She offers no validation.  She offers lots of "you should just do this".   She clearly has no ability to really support someone.  I'm glad I did it.  I don't worry about retribution.  I didn't feel vulnerable to her.  Will she use this?  Most likely.  But I want her to know that she, NSIS, and everyone else aren't the only ones who are dealing with things and working through life.

Other than that, she pulled a couple messed up things with the kids.  She brings piles of presents.  And she always gives gifts of the "theme" (for example dinosaurs) to the kid who is less interested in that.  (So, for example, she'll give some dinosaur stuff to OS - who is very interested - and more to his brother.  She feels that "it's not fair for OS" to get all of that stuff -like he's "hogging" the interest or something.  Again, assigning negative intentions to harmless behaviors.)  This time, when my boys protested in front of her the unfairness (she also managed not to get right something I very specifically told her was necessary to get a specific toy.  She asks for tons of ideas but always fucks up one or two.  This isn't due to an accident.) I let them.  Before,  I would've stressed out about her thinking my kids are ungrateful.  She's going to think that regardless.  So, I let them say how they felt.  I reminded my kids later that "Grandma struggles with what is fair and doesn't understand that.  I would hope that you would express gratitude, but your feelings are valid and I understand why you would feel that way.  And you are always able to tell me how you feel."  It pisses me off she disguises these little jabs in presents. 

My OS also confronted her for calling him a brat.  He said (to DH and me) "Hey mom.  We were playing and (little brother) wanted something I didn't want to give him.  I heard grandma tell LB that I was being a brat, but she said she called me a (and damn, I can't remember what the word was but it was something that sounded like brat but was less innocuous).  NM immediately argued that she was right.  And then when she knew she'd been caught and I repeatedly told OS that that was NOT OK.  And that Grandma -and everyone -should refrain from calling names.  And that I understood why that would bother him.  Then she tried to tell me that "brat" wasn't a big deal (she and SD come from people that think calling kids "turds" "brats" "spoiled" or "babies" is OK.  MIL and FIL also feel that way.  I know some people feel it's not a big deal, but I DO.)  I immediately told her YES, it is, don't do it again.  I know it sucks -and some people will have judgement- that I allow her around my kids when she says/does this shit.  But I am proud that I've taught my sons to stand up, to confront, to call them on the bullshit and that I will support them in that.  That I will protect them from that as best I can.  (Also, NM is off babysitting duty.  She is rarely allowed alone around my kids.)  I'm trying to do the best I can (DH insists kids have access to their grandparents and that they will resent me for keeping them from their grandparents.  And OS actually really loves NM and likes her to come.   So, I sometimes feel stuck.  Plus, I can't protect them from every narcissist out there, so I hope this teaches them some tools.)  But maybe that's all rationalization and excuses.

So, that's why I called a therapist today.  I'm overwhelmed at talking to someone.  I feel afraid, for some reason.  I worry she will not believe me.  I spoke to her, briefly on the phone today.  When I said that both my mother and MIL are narcissists she, in disbelief said "BOTH of them?!"  I said yup.  She quickly regrouped and said "well, you know, that isn't actually that surprising.  I can see how that happened."  Is that a good sign or a bad sign?  I hyperventilated for an hour after making the appointment, pacing and teary-eyed.  I'm looking forward to having outside perspective, but I'm terrified of being told I'm wrong.  And that it is all me....

Phonies

After my last post, something Kara said got me thinking more about my anger towards my MIL.   What exactly it is that pisses me off.

I've said before how much I dislike phoniness in people.  I spoke before of my BIL (her son and "mini-me", a term I hate, but actually feel is apt here) and how fake and superficial he is.  How he is all surface and, in my opinion, has little depth.

MIL is a bunch of window dressing too.  In all honesty,  I really know very little about what MIL really likes or cares about.  She projects being a devout Christian.  She projects being very connected to her family.  She loves when people envy her "close" family and point out how wonderful we all are.  She likes the "best" of things.  Not necessarily the most expensive or fanciest things.  But she likes to be "in the know".  She likes to be trendy and be the first one to know about things.  She loves to recommend restaurants and wines and resorts.  She is easily swayed by other's opinions.  If someone she respects (or even someone she feels is knowledgeable  says something, she believes it and adopts their opinion for herself.   She rarely questions something.  It doesn't matter if how she personally feels about something.  If someone tells her a wine is awesome, she will say it is awesome too.  I've seen her quickly take on my husband's opinions about all kinds of things.  If he likes a wine or a beer, she likes it.  If he is eating a food, she has to try it and proclaim how much  she LOVES it (she is often overly extreme in her descriptions of things.  Things are THE BEST.  Or she LOVES something.)  She wants to fit in.  She does very little thinking for herself.   DH and I have often joked that he could hand her a glass of rancid wine, and if he talked it up enough, she too would proclaim it to be wonderful.  She has been spoon fed her beliefs on religion by her parents and never questions.  In fact, I rarely see her question anything from certain people in her life.  She is easily swayed by those she deems authorities.   However, if someone (often me) expresses an alternative opinion, she has to prove I'm wrong.  She does not have an ability to allow for multiple opinions to be "right".  She is very, very black and white.  I used to blame a lot of this on, what I believe to be ADHD.  But it just kept being more than that.   MIL is flighty.  She flits from interest to interest (and is always, coincidentally involved in anything her kids are involved in: sports, travel, wine.  Their interests are now her interests).  I've never seen her stick with anything except church, and even then she has waffled in her "convictions" as her preacher son expressed doubts.  She even has moved churches recently, with little explanation, despite being very devoted to her church several years back.  She loves get rich quick schemes and is a dreamer.  And talent of mine she notices, she instantly proclaims that I should do that for a profession.  I know of not one single interest, hobby, or idea that she has come to in her own way.  And consequently, nothing sticks.  Nothing has been a constant in her life.

When I first met her, she was very self assured in her way being the right way.  She badgered me.  She pushed me.  In my opinion, she bullied me.  Subtly.  She has a keen ability to undercut people's character or appearance in an extremely subtle way.  She bossed me around relentlessly.  DH used to say it's because she was the mom of four boys and just was used to being in charge.  So, she just took charge of me too.  She expected me to just do what she wanted.  I was desperate to please her and tried hard to be respectful.  She didn't raise children but directed them on paths she found to be right.  She had an opinion about everything I did and did not allow for much dissent.  She wanted me to be married in the same month as she, she pushed for the god-awful veil that she wanted me to wear and then criticized the one I wanted.  She pushed relentlessly for grand children.  Despite me continued attempts to explain why I wasn't ready, she pushed.  Once, she even told me that she wanted grand children because all her friends had grand children.  Oh, well then, I'll get right on that.  Because there is no better reason to have kids than for their grandmother to "fit in" with her friends.  And she told me I was expected to have the first grandchild and told SIL she had to wait for me and DH to have that child before they could have one.  I never understood why, except that that was the way MIL wanted it to be.  Or God told her that was the way it should be.  Such crap.  She decided who was ready and who wasn't to have kids.  She pushed me to create a home and life for my kids that was the same as the one she had created for DH.  It was like she wanted to recreate DH's childhood through me and DH.   She bought all DH's work wardrobe when he graduated college.  She called him to regulate his brothers.  She put family decisions on DH's shoulders, so to avoid blame herself should it back fire.  She manipulated in whispers behind my back and DH's back.  She tried to create a hierarchy with DH in charge of the family, something that caused extreme resentment from my SIL.

It would've been easier at this time to stand up to her.  I wish, desperately at times, that I could go back and stand up to her.  Put my foot down.  But any sort of dissent on my part got her angry.  And I didn't want to get her angry.  I wanted her to like me.    I felt at the time such a strong tearing inside of me.  I was trying so hard to be myself, but I knew the more I tried to be myself, the more upset she got.  Anything I said that she didn't like was met with a snarky laugh that came off like she was teasing me, but was meant to express her anger at me.  But in a way no one could call her on.  She huffed a lot.  And most of that was lost on DH.  He didn't see then (and still struggles to see) her subtle expressions of disdain or anger.  How her huffs and eye rolls and quiet, sneaky secret whispers just out of ear shot got to me.  He told me to just let it go and ignore it like he did.  But I couldn't.

After awhile, she realized she couldn't control me.   I also believe she felt DH's loyalty starting to shift.  So, she seemed to adopt the policy of becoming like me.  Because, after all, if DH thought so highly of me, there must be something to that.  So, she started adopting my tastes, my hobbies, my talents for herself.  And that's where the phoniness came in.  She started complimenting me all the damn time.  But the thing is, the compliments where never really about me, but rather something she coveted in me.  I've never heard the woman say "Jessie, you are a really good..."  All her compliments, to everyone, begin with "I think you are good at."  Every, single one begins with the "I think" statement.  It is all in relation to her opinions on things.  Even when she's told me she is bragging to someone else about me, she says "MY DIL, is so good at...".  It drives me crazy.  She's attempting to control me by winning me over now.  She thinks that by telling me she likes my toe nail polish or the color I picked for my walls or some other trivial piece of crap, I'll think she is a nice person.  This is also how she tries to get to my kids.  She tells them "grammy thinks you are so smart.  Grammy thinks you are so athletic."   She's trying to make them think she is being complimentary to them and make them like her more.  But she's still setting them up to cater to her opinions of things.  If "grammy" likes something you do, then you get a compliment.    She compliments my shoes or my earrings, while at the same time proclaiming she's going to get some for herself.  Instead of trying to make me her, she is trying to be me.  I guess, she assumes that I'll then like her more?  It seems so stupid to me.  But I'm not a narc.

But the part that makes me angry is that she has be in a bind.  She never insults me directly.  She's never been out and out rude (although I think she's been rude a million times, it's just easy for other's to explain away.  "She didn't mean it like that") or called me names or spoke negatively about me without couching it in "I'm concerned" terms.    She compliments me.  And, although I know these compliments are fake and phony, and an attempt to control my feelings towards her, how the hell do you call someone on that?  How do you say, when you told me my toe nail polish was nice, you were being an ass?  I would sound like a loon.  And she knows that.

I can't not be the bad DIL, because there is nothing to point to.  What I can point to seems petty.  My NM and NSis are obviously bitchy at times.  I have clear evidence of them being assholes.  MIL hides her asshole-ery amongst "love" and "concern" and fake bullshit compliments.  She hides her controlling nature behind wanting to help.  On the rare occasion that she still snarks, it comes so far out of left field that I don't see it coming (not too very long ago, my husband was talking to her and FIL about her babysitting my niece and how my BIL and SIL had become overly-dependent on grandparents to help them care for their kids.  MIL snapped "well, I'd do babysit for you too, but you don't want me to."  We all knew the comment was directed at me.  It was accusatory and made her out to be a victim of sorts.  She also knew that I couldn't get into a discussion about her babysitting without getting into a discussion about the deeper issues in our relationship.  We were in her house, she had DH and FIL to (in her mind) back her up.  She was looking for a fight, or at the least to put me in my place and express her anger at me in a way that I wasn't prepared to discuss.  She was also looking to deflect any guilt she felt about being overly involved with my niece back on to me.  These situations come up a lot.  She turns any sort of "attack" that she feels back onto me being somehow wrong.  It makes it extremely difficult to discuss anything.  And for what it's worth, she had never once discussed being upset about not babysitting to me before this comment nor in the three years since -in which I still haven't let her babysit.  She has never, once, confronted me directly about anything.  It's either behind my back, in a snarky passive-aggressive way to my face, or she pretends that she is not upset.)  She is always shucking and jiving, to borrow a phrase from some other bloggers.  You can not pin her down on anything without her turning it back on me, stomping off and getting defensive, or ignoring it all together.  I can't confront her, but she won't confront me either.  And she also has an amazing ability to do these things when no one else is around to see it.  It's hard to prove something that no one else sees.

What makes me angriest is to see her perpetuating this phoniness onto my kids.  She has a certain enraptured smile, with half closed eyes as she rocks and hums and holds my kids (or my niece and nephew) that makes me want to slap her.  I can clearly see it isn't because she is making a connection with the kids or feeling love, but rather because she is pulling off the narc supply they provide her.  They make her feel love, they make her feel special.  She is getting her physical attention needs met.  It is not about providing loving, physical contact to the kids (hence, she often misses the cues that the kids are over it.)  Although she isn't malignant or nasty to the kids, she does try to control the relationships.  She has pushed for my son and my niece to be super close.  She labels my son as "all boy" despite knowing little about who he is.   She doesn't send him little cards or stickers in the mail the way the other grandmas do.  In fact, when she is not with him (and often when she is) she pays him little to no attention.  She can not have meaningful interactions with him.  When he was a young baby, she literally held his fingers and pushed the buttons on a toy in order to "teach" him how it worked.  She had no concern for him learning how to do it, or giving him an experience, or working within his abilities to experience something with him.   Recently, she wanted to start up a conversation with him (about something she had heard about through FIL.  DH rarely talks to MIL.  And it was clear that she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because of the way she refrenced this thing.)  I should give her credit for starting a conversation because, mostly, she talks at him or about him to us, never to him.   So, we were all in the swimming pool, my son floats by and she tries to start this indepth conversation about this toy with him.  He just said "yeah" (because all of her questions are yes/no and never open ended or asking about his opinions, shocker) and kept going.    Luckily, I don't think she's doing any harm to him, because she is such a non-entity.  My brilliant, with a remarkable memory, son often calls her the wrong name.  He sees her most often and he has NO trouble with any other grandparents' names (even ones he rarely sees) but he frequently calls her another grandmother's name.  But I'm keeping my eye out.  I'm waiting.  I'm sure it won't take long for her negativity to pop out and I'm waiting.

But the thing is, everyone else sees a loving grandmother.  A grandmother who is being denied the "right" to babysit her grand kids. (For new readers, not only do I keep her from watching my kids because I don't think she will listen at ALL to the instructions I give her, but she struggles seriously with safety issues.  She's very unfocused (ADD) and does not think ahead for risks.  I've seen it time and again with my niece and nephew.  She also has no ability to read emotional cues in my sensitive and subtle children.  She also gets defensive if I suggest how to do something or "miss-hears" me.  She struggles to listen to me in the first place and when I have asked her to do things in the past, she rarely does things the way I ask.  I'm not a control freak, but I do have some ways of doing things that I would expect her to follow.).  I believe I am seen as controlling, unwilling to let go of my kids, and bitter by others.  It has created some serious frustration for me.

She's just slippery, I guess, and I'm frustrated.  This is a woman who offers to help me clean up a party that I've cleaned up (while she sat and watched).  A woman who apologizes to my husband when she's wronged me.  A woman who loves to look like a loving grandmother, but it is all loving in one direction: towards her.  Everything she does with the kids is to get them to love and care for her.  She compliments me on phony things and when I credit someone else for the things the thing she complimented me on, she suddenly looses interest in washing me with her praise.  She appears good and kind and thoughtful and helpful.  I appear mean and bitchy and grudge-holding.  I appear to be bitter and holding onto typical DIL bullshit.  I appear to be denying her her grand kids, her son, and the close family.  I am to blame for the turmoil in the family because I insist on being different (or difficult, depending on who you ask).  I am the one choosing to not be in the family, rather than her pushing me out as punishment for not conforming.

Not seeing her is not an option.  DH is not willing to lose his relationship with his father or extended family.  Calling her out right on shit causes a scene.  Although that's where I am at with her (and even then I think she senses this and has started "tiptoeing" around me like I am some ticking time bomb).  Any suggestions?  Any thoughts?  How do you pin a snake down?  How do you deal with such underhanded passive-aggressiveness?  How do I maintain my sanity?  How do I not deck her when she gets that smarmy, "serene", ah look my whole family is together look?

And as an after note:  When I first met MIL, I thought she was a bit rude and mean.  I thought she was thoughtless and flaky and unfocused.  I chalked it up to her having ADHD.  Clearly, she just misses social cues, I thought.  She speaks before she thinks.   She is unfocused and doesn't mean to be thoughtless.  I bought DH's excuse that, as the mom of four boys, she just had a more "masculine" approach to things (despite being raised with four girls and the fact that my grandmother, who also raised four boys wasn't like this).  The teasing and making fun of people and the family picking on people was "normal" with boys.  That's just how they were.  I bought the family excuse that she was just scattered and having to corral four wild (and ADHD) boys made her controlling and bossy.  I kept assuming she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

But things never fully added up.  When she was told she hurt someone's feelings, she didn't apologize.  She didn't change her ways (and thanks Kara for recently pointing this out on your blog).  She just kept doing it.   And so many, many things couldn't be explained away by ADHD and mothering boys.

When I found the 25 Characteristics of NMs, I was reading it in relation to my mother.  What I found was that I kept saying, oh, that's MIL!  Many of the criteria applied to her.  So much so, that even DH couldn't deny it.  He did say that my NM was more "obvious" and that his wasn't "that bad" (because he misses her subtle nature).  I doubted myself for a long time about her being a narcissist.  But I just can't find any other way to explain her than with this: she is an emotional child, self-centered, and self-absorbed who can't put anyone else above herself.  She is a narcissist.

Sisterhood

My sister and I were close, well closer, as children.  I was her protector and big sister.  I looked out for her. A lot.  I was technically in charge, although I wasn't supposed to let her know that, every day after school, on holidays, and during summer break.

We spent a lot of time together, played together, and hung out.  We were close in age.  She was temperamental and had a propensity for violence when angry.  She bit, hit, and gouged skin when she pinched me.  She could rage when angry.  I often had to deal with it by myself, as calling my mother just met with "Quit your fighting!  I'm at work."  But it was more than that.   More than just sibling stuff.  She beat on me regularity and I was fearful of her.

My mother did not seem to try, very hard, to stop her from attacking me.  My father told me to fight back.  I did, twice.  The first time, I finally go angry and dragged her down the stairs and shoved her out of door, locking her out until she calmed down.  My sister LOVES to tell this story now that we are adults as proof of what an asshole I was to her.  The second time was when we were teenagers, me a senior in high school.  I actually got the best of her that time.  I don't remember her physically attacking me after that.

My mother appeased my sister a lot.  I remember a lot of things we kept from my sister when she was really little, so that she wouldn't get mad.  She got her way a lot, and mom had convinced me that just giving her her way was easier than fighting.  My mother complained a lot to my dad that she couldn't get my sister to do anything.  My dad, a depressed hard-ass, would step in and over do things in an attempt at discipline.  And then, when he would leave, my mother would rush to my sister's aide and take back every boundary he'd just set down.  The family often helped my sister with her homework (me too).  My sister will say differently, but she was catered too.

But I loved her.  And we were friends, I suppose.  We had a lot of laughs.  I protected her and looked out for her.  I shared my friends.  I comforted her.  We were always lumped together by my mother from swim lessons to dance class.  I often was enrolled in lower age levels to accommodate my sister.

When my parents divorced, I went into ultra protector mode.  I took care of her, often literally.  NM left us alone a lot on weekends, and I was "in charge" again.  Except I couldn't control a depressed, wild preteen with a propensity to drink and sneak out and rebel.  But I was held accountable.  Often, I just covered for her, as it was easier than dealing with my mother who would rage at us for wrecking her weekend.  When I left to my dad's, she followed.  She hung out with my friends, was with me a lot.  But my dad and her fought, occasionally violently as he tried to get her under control.  I was still lumped in with her.  Once, when my NM found my sister's birth control, she searched my room too.

My sister moved back with my mother when dad and she could no longer be on the same room hardly.  My sister became out of control.  She snuck out, hung with drug dealers, did drugs, ran away.  And by this time my dad had moved, so I moved back with my mother too.  My sister stole from me (or allowed other's to steal from me), was drunk or high, hardly went to school, and was a general mess.  It was horrifying.  And my mother struggled to help her.  I hated being at home, so I often stayed at my boyfriend's house.  I had a job and was in the drama club.  So, I lived out of a duffel bag.  I fed myself at night.  I got myself to school.  I went to work, to practice, and did all my homework-almost straight As).

My sister got worse and worse.  Involved in a robbery, suicides, mental ward stays.  Drugs, and beaten, and raped, and drunk.  She dropped out of school when I was at college.  On one occasion, my mother had to drive eight hours away to pick her up because she'd run away.  My sister was sick.  Very sick. She tried to commit suicide many times.  And to this day, my grandmother and my sister have conflict over a time when NM dropped my sister off with her.  Grandma claims that my sister tried to steal from her and was horrible (which is most likely true).  Grandma claims NM was less than sympathetic.  NM also dropped my sister off with me at my college to stay for the weekend.  I was terrified all weekend my sister would freak out and embarrass me.

I often hated going home from college.  It was stressful and my sister and I openly despised each other now.  She was angry at me, stole from me, or was generally miserable.  My mother was stressed and looked horrible.  I blamed my sister and was SO angry at her for what she was doing to my mother.

Somehow, my mother got my sister a GED, got her in art school, and shipped her down to my father's.  There, she created more havoc and was still out of control.  My father and step-mother fought horribly and blamed my sister (occasionally, unfairly.  Stepmom's a doozy too.  But my sister does create chaos).  It was rough there too, and I often stressed as I listened to the stories.

My sister worked at some strip club as a cocktail waitress, she had an abusive boyfriend, she still was drinking and partying to excess.  Her boyfriend was an asshole and their relationship was abusive.  She got pulled over for drunk driving.  And on and on and on.

My sister and I often didn't speak at all during this time.  We were not close, knew nothing of each other, and never spent time together.  At my wedding, I prayed that she wouldn't cause chaos.  She did, but I was able to get around it.  We knew nothing of each other and disliked each other.

NM decided at this time to plan some "girls' weekends".  Two of the worst weekends of my life.  There was drama and fights and tears and rages.  It was a war zone, often with two people feuding and the other left comforting each other.  Often my sister and I comforted each other against NM.  We knew she was horrible to us, but we couldn't put the finger on it.

As horrible as these trips were, when they were done, NSis and I talked.  We started to compare notes (all you ACoNs know where I'm going with this).  We discovered the triangulation.  The attempts by NM to blame the other sister for all her "stress".  She would tell both of us how horrible the other was.  You can imagine my surprise when I discovered my mother blamed ME for any stress.  Here, I had thought I was supportive and the good daughter and the one who was helping her with my awful sister.  But some issues over my wedding and fights (as I figured out later) over my emerging independence, had apparently made me an enemy.

For awhile, I thought NSis was getting her shit together.  The boyfriend was a jerk, but she seemed better.  Normal.  More stable.  She seemed to come up for air and catch a glimpse of reality.  She got through college.  She and I talked about things.  We seemed to be closer now that we had identified "the enemy".  It was so nice to feel I had an ally.  That someone out there understood and I wasn't crazy.  That yes, NM could be horrible.  Sure, she still called me at 3 a.m. (despite me having to work in the morning) sobbing and drunk.  There were still A LOT of crazy things that happened...lots.  But they seemed to be getting farther apart.

Things went on like this for a couple of years.  NSis and her boyfriend's relationship kept dissolving into worse layers of dysfunction and I convinced NSis to get out, move away, start over.  I really believed that if she moved, got out from under the thumb of my parents, started over with new friends, she'd grow up.

So, she moved.  And things didn't get better.  She just found the same people in a different town.  She wound up in the same situations.  Still chaos.  Still drama.  Domestic violence.  Severe accidents. Suicides. Late night drunk phone calls.  Lots of drinking.  And she became less interested in me again.  She had no time to really be supportive.  I mean, she would make token gestures, but nothing significant.   And she demanded me to be there for her.  To support her.  She clung to me as her sounding board and foundation.  But she was angry and aggressive and I could never really tell her how I felt about anything.  I still feared a huge emotional reaction from her.  Whenever she was around,  I worried constantly about pissing her off.  I also made excuses for her and defended her and explained to my parents that they didn't know how hard things were for her.  I felt for so long it was my job to protect her, and I had a hard time laying that down.

She hurt my feelings.  She dismissed me.  On occasion, she'd call me up and chew me out for something I'd done.  Or blame me again for NM being angry.  She always acted like her life, her problems to priority.

And then, last summer all shit hit the fan, and I couldn't take it anymore.  And I'm no longer talking to my sister any more.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that this latest "riff" isn't just some little fight, but a life long pattern of dysfunction between us.  That the stress and anxiety and destruction she brought to my life was there for years.  That she was destroying me.  And I was sick of dealing with it.


I realized the other day that she's been weighing on my mind.  Over the holidays, we each had a birthday, and I was holding my breathe waiting for her attacks.  She tried desperately to manipulate me, but I held out for her to deal with me in a real way.  And now that the holidays have gone, I feel like the pressure valve has been turned down.  I don't feel it so pressingly.  My parents haven't mentioned her to me.  So, I don't know what is going on with her.  And it's peaceful.  But she's there, pressing me.  Pressing that little nagging voice in my head.  I know this isn't over yet.  And I'll have to figure out what to do soon.  And until I do, she'll always be like a weight sitting over my head.    But, really, we didn't have a "real" relationship at any point in our lives, what is there for us to build one on now?

Christmas Card

I got a Christmas card from my MIL last night.  And I was annoyed.  Big time.  It seems so stupid.  So insignificant.  I'll bet I'm reading into the thing too much.  But something about it just pissed me off.

It was a gold card.   Very "old ladyish".  Very religious. The kind with some artistic rendition of The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus.   I think it was one of those cards, that when purchased, some money goes to some charity.

Inside, she included two pictures.  One of the family, posed for a "family reunion picture" at a family funeral.  Taking the picture was a minefield of chaos.  Lots of chickens with their heads cut off.  MIL shouting "just take the picture!  Keep snapping."  No one was arranged.  The lighting was horrible.  Plus, it was a really difficult day.  As they organized the photo, I was pounding a Chardonnay at the bar.   MIL's sister, the photographer, says, "don't you want to be in the photo?".   I knew there was tons of time to make it out, as the chickens hadn't run around enough yet to settle into picture mode.  In most of the pictures, me and my family are squished in the back.  You can hardly see us.  But MIL is grinning wildly in the front.  In a blazing white dress, surrounded by "her family."  The second photo is a shot of her and FIL, cuddled up.

Not an unusual card.  If it came from anyone else, I wouldn't think twice.  But the thing is, I recieved this Christmas card as a follow up.  As in, she received my card, complete with a bunch of pictures of the kids (I sent them to all the grandparents.  Few of them take pictures of my kids.).  So, she got my card, dug some card out and sent me a card with her pictures in it (she referenced my pictures in her card, so I know she got ours first).  It just felt phony.  And, hell, I don't know what the right word would be.  I just felt wrong.  She sent the card purely because I sent her a card.  For no other reason. She added the photos because she has to mimic me.  She's done this to me before.  It feels so "tit for tat".  OH, Jessie did this, maybe if I do it too, she'll look favorably on me.  She'll have to like me!  She'll think I'm nice/kind/thoughtful.  It didn't feel genuine or authentic or something she wanted to do.  Most years she states "Thanks for your card, Jessie!  I didn't send out cards.  I was busy.  I just didn't have time."   Which, as I write it doesn't sound bad, but is so classic her.  She can't give me a compliment without somehow also negating it or justifying and excusing herself.  Can't she just say "thanks for the Christmas card." and leave it at that?  Why does she have to be in every conversation?  (That's rhetorical, I know the answer).

It irritates me too that she can't just let anything be mine.  It's almost like when she quit trying to "convert" me to her, she changed tactics and thought she'd pretend to be me.   This mirroring and mimicking she does of me, drives me nuts.  I can't just have anything be mine.  If I send pictures, she sends pictures.  If I say I don't like to bake,  she suddenly remarks how she no longer bakes, sort of kind of.  I get lots of praise for how pretty my Christmas packages look, so she somehow figures out how to wrap a gift so it doesn't look like a monkey did it (I know it's petty, it's not about the gifts, it's about her suddenly changing to be more like me.  It's creepy to me.).   She changes her hobbies, eating style, extracurricular activities to "fit in".  And it annoys me that she thinks I'm so stupid that I'll think better of her because she wraps a few gifts (still not well, I might add, just to be bitchy because I'm feeling that way) or sends me a photo of her snuggled up to her husband in the picture perfect picture of "true love".

She wrote in the card how she "can't wait to see you!".  A visit she finagled (she can't manage to get us gifts during the TWO other times-sometimes three-that she sees us during the holidays.  She has to have a 'special time' to drop them off.)  She shows up tomorrow.  I'm trying to not be annoyed.  I wish I could change my attitude.  I wish I could be more gracious.  I wish I wasn't already dreading her.  But I am.  Fuck.

Week in Review

OK, first and foremost, I'm guessing everyone is sick and tired of  this whole Charity thing.  I know I am.  So, although I am going to reference her in this post, the post is about ME and not her.  My failings, what I didn't see, my processing of the event. (And if you are sick of all of this, just skip this post).

Also, I wanted to provide a little update for those of you who may be wondering about things.  My NM did show up last week for the event, begrudgingly.  There was lots of moaning and production and sympathy pleas.  But she did show up.  I'm not really giving her credit for that, as much as I'm given myself credit for holding her accountable to her word.  She was relatively well-behaved.  Or maybe I just didn't care as much about her little pleas for sympathy.

My sister with the medical condition is still, somewhat MIA.  She apparently has been in treatment for this very serious medical illness.  However, information is sporadic and, often, unreliable.  I've been told she has run the course of the treatment and that, upon further tests, things seem to look good (but there is still more to run...I mean, a narc can't TOTALLY let the drama fall away.)  Anyway, I got a brief and odd text from my sister last week.  The timing was suspicious and the method in which she addressed me seemed to be a disarming move.  To my credit, I choose not to rush to answer her.  She had asked about my holiday plans and said I was welcome to email back.  I used the "medium chill" technique, suggested by fellow blogger Kara, and wrote a quick and to the point message late last week.  I've yet to hear from her.

Now onto the Blogger Incident.  This thing really messed with my mind.  After a long summer of being relatively narc free, I had felt I was stronger.  Then mid-August rolled around and it seemed I was being stormed by narcs from every angle.  Lots and lots of fucked up and crazy-making and just plain stressful things happened.  Last week, I felt exhausted.  Like I'd been in a marathon battle.  I felt I really need to address some of my painful memories.  I felt like I need to "clean house" so to speak.  I am very closed and private in my non-blog life.  I wanted to be open with myself and really, for maybe the first time, process and feel my emotions about the suicidal moments from my past.  I wanted to write and feel purged of those repressed feelings.  I wanted to admit to myself that I'd been week and a coward in my choices.  I had worried about what other bloggers would think.  I was not  in a current state of suicidal thoughts, and I needed to really process why I had gotten to that place.  Because, as I said in the blog, I never really wanted to die.  I had just felt so blamed, so dumped on, so accused.  I was at the end of my rope and had felt that, after all I'd tried, I was in the same damn spot I'd started in.  Feeling like I had to bend over and compromise myself, or figure a way out.  I felt like a burden to those around me.  I have not ever admitted to anyone, save my DH, about my suicidal thoughts.  I needed to fess up so to speak to my own blog.

And that was the state of mind I was in when the Incident occurred.  I found her blog post first.  Up until this point, I had found Charity to be eccentric.  A bit intense.  A bit over the top.  She seemed very desperate to fit in.  Maybe this was my first red flag.  However, I dismissed it.  Who the hell was I to determine how she needed to be in this community.  Several weeks back I had actually had thoughts about the community.  How we all take each other with a bit of faith and trust, not easy for any of us to do.  How we often open ourselves up in ways we wouldn't, or couldn't with even those closest to us.  I've gotten a few weird emails, my computer got hacked, and I wondered if this community laid me out for con artists.  You know, someone who would pose as an ACoN to win our trust, find out information on us (our real names, etc.) and use that to hurt us.  I never, ever dreamed someone would do it for narc supply.  And really, I dismissed anyone would do it all.  I thought, man, that'd sure be a hell of a lot of work to make all this shit up.  Create a persona, write a blog, spend hours reading and commenting.  I never thought of it again.

When I saw Charity's post, my first knee-jerk reaction was to rush into to soothe everyone.  That's my m.o. When their is crisis, or conflict, rush in to see what I can do.  First lesson for me in this: it is not my job to rush in.  And I need to look around and protect myself a bit before I rush in.  I started commenting every which way until Sunday on the posts.  I didn't think before I spoke.  I wanted to be helpful.  I didn't allow myself time to process any of it.  My first reaction to Charity was to believe her.  I really had no reason (that I had thought of at the time) to not believe her.  I was heartbroken for Upsi, but I really felt this woman, who had been so desperate to be a part of our community, and was a part of our community, would inspire more empathy. To me, she seemed on the brink, and I was afraid for her.   I was a bit shocked when some people headed for the hills away from her (and rightfully so).  It set me on a tailspin and I really had to do some serious thinking about everything.  Had I missed the signs?  Was I a moronic fool?   I thought "all this hard work I've done, all this change in me, and I got fucking duped again?  WTF?!"

And sigh.  I think the signs were there.  Many have been pointed out by others.  Here are a few more I found on closer inspection.  Red flag #1:  She signed the original comment anonymously.  Judy (and later Q) pointed out that this was huge.  And it was.  If she was that effed up on cold meds, how did she have the where with all to be so sneaky about it?  And if she really felt her thoughts were valid (although presented in a shitty way, as she stated) why did she own up to it?  I mean really, we all are "anonymous" here, but she felt to be even more covert.  BIG RED FLAG.  Red Flag #2:  She didn't own up to it right away.  Not OK. And she did it in such a public, dramatic, extreme form.  Red Flag #3:  Charity had always seemed dramatic and over the top.  I also found her blog to be a bit "showy" for lack of a better word.  And recently she had kind of amped it up.  She made several comments on my blog that she had (in a separate incident) mistaken her husband's medicine.  Which makes the new medicine debacle seem ridiculous.   And ironically, my NM has also used this "medication side effect" b.s. on me with in the last week.  I guess great minds think a like huh?  It seems as I look back, she was setting up the scene.  Like stage dressing.  I thought it was weird, but again, let it go, although I took a step back then.  She seemed crazy, but I'm used to crazy.   I think I'm desensitized to crazy.  Red Flag #4: I found this as the title of a latest post of hers: "Will The ACoN Who Had The Most Painful Childhood and the Worst Narcissistic Parent(s) Please Raise Your Hand?"  I hadn't thought too much about it, because the post really had little to do with the title.  But man, doesn't this strike you as a big ole red flag?  Red Flag #5: I remembered her posting one time about feeling invalidated because people were not responding to her comments.  She said she understood, that people are busy, but it was clear that she felt slighted by this.  I dismissed this, again, as someone desperate to fit in.  I believe I was wrong.  I believe, looking back, that she had been setting up this little stunt for quite some time.  Or at the very least, had had some growing resentment, and finally the damn burst.  She choose Upsi, because her jealousy got the best of her.  Jealous of Upsi's "ACoN glory, as she called it.  But while she targeted Upsi, she was actually trying to level an attack at all of us for not validating her enough.  Removing us all from her blog roll was weird.  Putting Upsi on her "blog sites recommended" was weird.  I mean, if you are in this emotional, horrible state over what you've done, why do you stop to "redecorate" your blog?

I wanted to feel for this woman.  I wanted to believe that she had stumbled and we could lift her back to the right path.  I was WRONG.  I missed the signs.  The one once of slack I'll give myself had to do with this:  She had one particular "identifying marker" that I associated with my mother (and no, it was not the damn hair, or her grey eyes...which by the way, she did focus a lot on her looks.  Oops, another flag I missed).  I think I transferred some of my feelings about my mother to her (or vice versa).  Somewhere, I think she represented hope to me that my mother might finally see the light.  I know that I had linked them in my mind.  

I also felt afraid, because I worried that everyone else might think I was crazy too.  Finding out how many people had crazy feelings towards, started my age old worry of "Do they think I'm crazy too?"  "What do they think of me?"  I felt afraid that if someone found me to weird, they would distance from me too.  This community has been a lifeline to me.  It has pulled me back from the brink, in many ways.  This incident made me feel shaky and scared and afraid of my place.  It made me wonder if I had shared too much or looked like a fool.  As I've never been this vulnerable and open with other people, I suddenly wondered if I'd made a mistake in opening myself up.   Lots and lots of things for me to work on, I've found.

And in the end, I've learned I have a long way to go.  I didn't think I was at the end of my journey, but I was a bit shocked to see that I'd only reached a small hill, and that once over it, the road stretches on for many more miles.  My narc radar is pretty bad and needs repair.  I'm a sucker for a good sob story.  I see the emotions and miss the content.  I saw the crazy and ran towards it, instead of away.  Lots to think about.  

My Relationship with NMIL

I am going to apologize for the ramblings I'm about to do.  I have so many thoughts swirling in my head, and I'm guessing it will all come out sort of jumbled.  So, hang on and bear with me.

As DH and I have embarked upon this narcissistic journey, it's been a rough road.  And although he can see my points about NM and conceeds that I have validity in what I saw about NMIL, he still can't see the big picture.  He's still missing the larger ramifications, effects, legacies.  He can't see the forest for the trees.  All he can see is the trees, lined up individually.  And when he sees the trees, he can't understand why I feel lost so deeply in her forest.  He can't see how all those trees have stacked upon each other to form one black wall.  Some of the trees seem so far in the past to him, he can't see why they still bother me, or I'm even still thinking about them.  But for me those trees are all linked together.  That farthest back tree is the foundation, the start of the forest, the moment I entered the deep woods.  And he has asked me, several times, in a very sad way if I hate her.  I don't hate her.  I've tried to explain that I hate the way she treats me.  I hate the way I've never stood up for myself.  I hate that he always has dismissed her, excused her, trivialized what I have said.

I can remember vividly staring at my reflection as I closed my car door.  I was about to meet DH's parents for the first time and I was shaking.  I wanted so badly for them to like me.  I wanted so badly to fit in.  I loved him dearly already, and I wanted him to be proud of me.  I was young, naive, and had no real identity in myself.  I was locked in a horrible time with my mother and felt very alone and outcast.  I had few girlfriends because I rarely trusted them.  And the ones I did, I always wound up hurt.  Not surprisingly, I was often the third wheel in a trio of friends (hello, NM and NSIS all over!) and I always felt hurt as i was locked on the outside.  But I wanted to impress.  I wanted to be liked.  I was young.

NMIL was a church going-type lady.  She sang in the choir, was involved in all kinds of groups.  She was a no nonsense lady who was raising four boys.  She was a bit tom boyish.  She hadn't changed her hair style since the late 80s (this was in the late 90s)  She was little, but round.  She had a big laugh and ruled her kids with a tight rein.  Her home was rowdy and boisterous and chaotic.  But it was decorated in dainty florals and old victorian furniture.  I learned later that the home had been her mother's.  She clearly hadn't changed a thing in the 20 years she lived there...literally.   For many, many years, not a picture changed on the wall, furniture never was rearranged, and even knickknacks that had been there for decades sat in the same spots in the bathroom.

And I wanted to fit in.  So, I kept my mouth shut and went with the flow.  I ignored how the family all lacked boundaries about walking around in their underwear, assuming it was "family of boy thing".  I went to sporting events and family picnics.  I met extended relatives and watched my mouth.  I talked little about myself, but just tried to assimilate.  I got the feeling, early on that that was expected of me.  To assimilate.  I smiled through gritted teeth as I was continually embarrassed by the family's loud, obnoxious behavior at restaurants (oh, this is just how we are!).  I ignored the teasing, and the name calling and the meanness, as I again took it for "a family of boys".  Boys will be boys.

I tolerated being made fun of and picked on for my small breasts (according to NMIL) in a very public way, on several occasions.  And I was aware this was a family joke that ran behind my back.  In fact, I became uncomfortable aware that ALL of me had been discussed by family members while not in my presence.  I sucked it up when my boundaries were violated and things were asked of me that I really couldn't afford to give.  I remember once an aunt telling her daughter to ask me for my hair barrettes that the daughter wanted. Because I should've just handed them over.  It didn't matter that I was poor, or loved the barettes, or couldn't afford to replace them.  I was just expected to give them because her daughter wanted them.

I tried to fit in.  I became a "Christian" because I knew it was very important to NMIL.  I even got baptized at her...um, insistence, I'll call it.  I took her along to wedding planning events and stood dutifully as she plopped a tacky, large wedding crown on my petite head.  I politely declined it, despite her insistance and offer to pay for it.  I explained it wasn't my style.  I argued as politely as I could that it just didn't go with my style.  I tried to not take it personally when she mocked and commented negatively about what  I had chose.  I listened to all the family war stories over and over and laughed at the jokes.  I took a very, long road trip with her to see DH and tried not to notice her almost bitter attitude as she dropped me off at his home and left for her hotel.  I pretended that DH and I maintained all sorts of Christian pureness.  I went along with lies when she bought (now SIL and BIL) and DH and I a hotel room on a family vacation and stated we had to sleep girls with girls and boys with boys.  Absurd, weird, and gross now that I think about it.  And I went on family vacations and went along with everything and tried to fit in.

The first red flags came when I dared to disagree with some of her Christian ideology.  She had a very strict, literal view of things and it hadn't occurred to any of her sons to dispute her.  They took her word for it that that was how things were.  When I started to dissent, and offer up altneratives, I was ridiculed and put down.  I remember feeling very badly.  Not that she argued against me.  She had BIL #2, who was to be the minister do that.  She just told me that God had told her messages to give me.  I found this odd.

NMIL raised her boys with the objective of getting it done.  In fact, that is how she always did everything.  It didn't matter how it got done, just that it was done.  She asked me once to help BIL4 with homework, a paper.  Having a teacher's soul, I sat down and began helping him.  Asking him questions, helping him form sentences.  But I would never have written it for him.  I had to many ethics to do that.  I knew that this kid's freshman teacher would never believe that he had written what I, a college educated and pretty literate person, would have written.  I thought he needed to do it himself.  I clearly remember her snatching the paper from me and complaining that she'd just "help" him herself.  I apparently was taking too long.   She never seemed to be interested in teaching her kids.  She just corrected after the fact.  And if she could find someone else to do part of it for her, she would.  She often commented how DH's coach in school had given him discipline.  She used teasing and yelling and name calling to keep her kids in line.  She herded them like cattle towards the finish line.  DH explained that she had it rough with four boys.  It was hard to control them.  She just was doing her best.  Maybe she was.  But she also seemed to have the philosophy of just throwing whatever at them and seeing what stuck.  It was chaotic and pieced together and frantic.  She never seemed to actually be in control despite always demanding to be in control.  And she hardly ever let them do things  for themselves.  She explained this under the guise that she was helping them, but in reality I think she just wanted to take the easy way out.  Just get it done as fast as possible.  Not actually teach her kids to fish, but just throw fish at them and pat herself on the back for being a good provider.  She picked paths for her kids and shoved them down them.  She picked all three of DH's brothers' career paths (only one stuck, and that one is in jeopardy at the moment.  I remember her hiring a resume writer for DH when he graduated college.  She claimed this lady was the best, but that was her typical m.o.  It didn't matter if the credentials were valid, as long as the person told her they were.   So, she made some lady to type up a basic resume.  She bought him some suits and some work clothes.  She dressed him up and pushed him out, expecting the world.  In image, her kids always looked the part of prepared grownups.  Unfortunately, she never gave them the actually skills to be grown ups.  And then she criticized them for their short comings and failings.  (And luckily, DH didn't need her help, succeeded on his own, and didn't take her hand holding.)  Again, she always wanted the result with out any work.

BIL3 has mental problems (learning and behavioral).  He was the whipping boy and family joke.  He took the brunt of the teasing and family stories about BIL3 were a favorite past time.  They still are.  And what I took for family reminising at the time has really started to bother me as of late.  He was held up as the "different one".  The reason the family was seen as crazy in the eyes of their town.  He was the shield they all hid behind, allowed themselves to feel "normal" behind.  I remember once suggesting that all of the family (except EFIL) had this particular disorder they liked to label BIL3 with.  You'd thought I'd accused them all of murder.  I assumed they all knew.  They were shocked that anyone would suggest they were like him.

After DH and I got married, NMIL ratched up the push for grandkids.  She bugged me all of the time.  She had begun to push her way into my and DH's life by buying us season tickets to a sporting event...with them. So, we saw them all the time.  It used to be one of our favorite things to do as a couple, but it got taken over.  Ironically, DH got his season ticket bought for him for his birthday.  I had to pay for mine myself.  DH always explained it was just that his parents spent less on me for my birthday.  I offered it to be my birthday and Christmas present.  NMIL always refused.  I don't think this was a coincidence or oversite.  Regardless, she used these games to start pushing me.  She hounded me for a grandkid (apparantly her son had no say, and it was all up to me, as she never bugged him.)  She whined that all her friends had grandkids.  She refused to here me as I said that we weren't ready (we were working through a lot at the time, including starting our careers and starting to come to terms with his family).  She stated that BIL and SIL weren't ready for kids when I suggested she bug them, as they'd been married just as long as we had.  I was irritated she believed she knew who was ready and who wasn't.   She evesdropped and butted into conversations I had with friends at the tailgate parties before hand.  She pushed me to "snuggle" under her blanket with her.  She pushed and pushed.  She expected to get my extra tickets if I didn't go to the game to give to her family or friends, but she never offered to pay me back for it.  I was  feeling more and more smothered and overwhelmed.  She pushed for this relationship with me.  Wanted us to be friends.  But she never wanted to do the work, never wanted to get to know me.  Always wanted to rush to the end where we were this super close daughter and mother-in-law.  Just get it done. 

Her grip of control started to tighten.  As DH and I grew up and away from her into independence, she seemed to ramp up.  She continued to plan big family vacations and functions and expected us to act as one unit, with her at the helm.  I attributed it at the time to the other brothers still being young.  She was still in that "mother of kids" mode.  I figured she'd grow and adapt to the way things were.  But she didn't.  She continued to cling to the idea of how things used to be.  And I believe she began to see me as a threat.  She began to see me as a threat to her idea.  She began relegating me to a "secondary" position in the family.  She determined a hierarchy.  It had always been there, but she began to make it much more clear.  Showing clear favoritism towards her kids when giving gifts.  Treating me as just another thing to get done when Christmas rolled around.  She made ornaments with all of our names on them.  "First Tier" family got big ornaments towards the top of the tree.  SIL, me, the dog, and the bird got small ornaments at the bottom of the tree.  And it could be argued that she ran out of big ornaments when she got to us.  But even then, you can see how her thinking went.  She seemed to treat me well, but it was clear to me that there was no thought, no desire to actually make me feel included or thought of.  Just to give the image of the doting MIL. But behind the scenes, she started to amp things up.  Snarky comments here and there.  Little criticisms.  Always taking someone else's side in a story.  Telling cautionary tales about her SIL who disowned the family and what a horrible, wretch of a woman she was.  I heard that story a lot.  But I got the custom pleasantries, but no depth.  No true intimacy.  No real work.  And it was my fault, cold, frigid, stuck-up person that I was, that the relationship didn't work.

When this didn't get her the results she wanted, she changed tactics.  Instead of treating me "just like everyone else", she started treating me better (or so she thought).  It was a full on assault to win my trust.  She started stalking me whenever we were together.  I couldn't take a step or change seats in a room without her following me.  She told SIL to quit spending time as a group, as I acted differently when SIL was around (which to me, was much more comfortable because I had a buffer).  She began staring at me like I was up on stage for viewing taking everything in.  Nothing missed her eye.  And she "complimented" me on everything.  Everything was just wonderful.  Everything I did was the best.  She took my side against DH if I expressed an disagreement.  She always took my side.  Always told me how smart I was.  It was all so phony.  I didn't believe any of it.  She changed her hair.  Started changing her home.  Dressing in a more..."youthful" way.

It was around this time she started her "coveting phase".  I've always noticed that she had no real identity of her own.  She always seemed to be a preschooler playing dress up.  Taking out an identity, trying it on, growing bored and trying on something else.  Her home and clothes and activities expressed nothing of who she was.  Even the church activities were passed down to her.  All relics of her parents that she just took on like a turtle's shell.  Then, for whatever reason, she began to adopt the identity of DH and me.  We went to Europe, she went to Europe.  We got into wine, she got into wine (although we were "alcoholics" and "wine snobs" at first.)  Anything we did, she did too.  We got a new house, she remodeled her kitchen.  It all felt very icky.  I had nothing, owned nothing that she didn't covet.  And the jealousy came out too.  If I cooked something well, she cooked something better.  When I got compliments for nicely wrapped gifts, she started wrapping gifts better (or at least my gifts, which bothers me even more.  Like I would be impressed by that.  I don't wrap gifts nicely to impress people, I do it because I want to show them I think they are important, worthy of something beautiful and my time.  So much of what she does seems to be to try to impress me.)   She has always been into what was "the best".  She'd believe anyone if they told her it was the best, a good deal, or worthy.  She must be a salesperson's dream.  She doesn't ever discern anything for herself, but takes everyone's word about things.  And so to compete, she started telling us about this "best wine" that she "knew you would like!!!" or some fabulous winery or movie or restaurant that she knew we would like, even if she couldn't actually take credit for the recommendation.  It was all about appearing that she was in the know.  Always laughing the loudest at the jokes.  Always being in the middle of every activity.  She couldn't be left out of anything.  She was getting on my last nerve.  I no longer trusted her or her intentions in the least bit.  I didn't believe anything she said was authentic.  Everything seemed to be for effect.  Not only with me, but everyone.  She offered to do everything, for everyone, all the time.  Even if she didn't want to.  Even if she was going to complain about that person to anyone who would listen.  She didn't want to look like the bad person.  But there was always the sideways comment.  The little underbelly, passive-aggressive dig.  They snarky looks.  The temper if you called her on anything.  When overt control had no longer work, she went underground.  She started suggesting things, expressing the utmost concern to one brother about another.  Planting seeds.  The phoniness, the disingenuous nature of it all, it all being so much more work than it should've been, always feeling on guard.

And so it pretty much stands today.  Me, walls up, on guard, distanced.  Her always looking for a way to plow through my walls.  Always feeling stalked, and cornered, and bullied.  Lots of false talk and phoniness and shallow relationships.  Lots of attempts at manipulation, offering "trips", "gifts", talking about how they are setting us up financially.

DH and I have come a long way since the beginning.  He hardly ever took my side in the beginning.  If I couldn't get along with his family, then I shouldn't let the door hit me on the way out.  I wondered, briefly, why I put up with it then.  But I know that it's because that's how life had always been.  Get alone, sacrifice, sit down and shut up, or get the hell out.  But he slowly started to listen.  He started to actually believe me.  He put down a lot of his excuses.  He still uses "that's just the way she is.  She won't change.  She doesn't think of it that way.  I'm sure she didn't mean it.  We always tease in our family.  She doesn't think before she acts.  You read too much into her.  You are too sensitive.  You always look for things that aren't there.  She doesn't do that on purpose.  She's just excited/hyper/unorganized."  but I get these excuses far less.  He still jumps to defensiveness, but I can at least rationalize with him once the initial moment has passed.  He is willing to listen to me.   When I presented him with the 25 characteristics of narcissists with detailed notes about how NMIL fit them, he spent over an hour reading them all.  And he believed me.  And said I had some valid points.  It's a long way from the beginning.  But  a long way from where I want to be.  But I'm determined.  I want him to see so he can lay down some of the legacy she's given him.  So he will let go of some of the toxic ways she taught him to be a parent (and for the record, he is an amazing father, but struggles with some of the narcissistic traits and toxic parenting models we all do).  To put down some of his defensiveness.

Narcs playing Nice

I think one of the hardest things to wrap my head around was the fact that the narc is not a horrible person ALL of the time.  When I tried to play out if my Mom and MIL were narcs, it was so hard because I could recall so many of the nice things they'd done for me.  Not every interaction with them was horrible.  Not every experience was bad, and in fact, I can recall a lot of good memories.  It was just that I couldn't shake the stressful feeling, the anxiety, I had before and after every interaction with them.  I couldn't pin point the source of that feeling, because nothing that horrible had happened.

I think it's easy to say that Narcs can be generous, sweet, thoughtful people with people outside their own family.  I think it goes without saying that the golden child will be treated well.  My mom and MIL both are viewed by a lot of people as great mothers and grandmothers, sisters, wives, and daughters.   My MIL actually has a lot of friends and has been defended to me by several.  They all see the generous, fun loving, person.  Of course they do.  If she was such a horrible person, it would be quite difficult to maintain her narc supply.  Being adored and thought highly of is important in maintaining their position.  If they were mean to everyone, verbally abused everyone all the time, showed their true selves to everyone, they'd be lonely old women.  Maintaining this image to the "public" also helps them justify to themselves that it is us not them.  If everyone else thinks they are wonderful, it is easy for them to rationalize that there is no need to change or alter their behavior.  The problems lay squarely on the backs of everyone else.

But if I thought they were these malignant people I thought they were, how could I explain their nice behavior towards me.  I think first and foremost, no one is all bad.  Few people are truly  completely horrible monsters.  And of course, if they were, people would avoid them like the plague.  I think a lot of their good deeds are manipulations to  maintain that contact with both their narc supply and their outlet for their anger.  They provide just enough love, warmth, family that it keeps me bound to them.  If they lost me (or in MIL's case, my husband and kids), they would loose that narc supply. A lot of it is just a survival mechanism for them.  However,  I think sometimes my mom really does want to do nice things for me.  I think she thinks of me.  I think she cares for me.  The problem is that she cares for me because it is important to HER.  Not because she just cares for me.  She will do really nice things for me but there will be always be a catch.  She does nice things and then expects a payback.  And if there is no payback, then she can play the victim or the martyr.  She does nice things in order to hold it over my head.  I don't think she sets out thinking "If I buy Jessie this scarf, she'll have to do something nice for me."  But I do think she does things in an effort to "bank" points in her column.  It gives her a way to rationalize what a great mom she is.  It gives her a way to rationalize what a horrible person I (or whomever else) am because we never do for her what she does for us.  She does nice things for my kids and husband to score points too.  She thinks that if she does things for us/gives us stuff we will want to be around her more.  She also uses nice behavior to counter act her bad behavior.  If she's given us stuff or done stuff, she feels entitled to excuse some of her abusive behavior.

My MIL also does nice stuff for us.  She has flat out admitted (while laughing) that she gives things to my kids to bribe them into liking her and wanting to be around her.  She holds out promises of presents to maintain a closeness with her grandkids.  She uses promises of trips and money and gifts to secure her place of importance in the family.  She gifts things that will make her look good (although a lot of the time the gifts are someone else's idea, but she takes the credit for being "thoughtful" and finding the perfect gift).  She offers up family vacations in order to strong arm us into spending time with her.  She used to buy my husband season tickets to a sporting event, all in order to guarantee we would spend all games with her (I might add that she never offered to gift me the second ticked.  I always had to pay for it).  She offers up favors as a way of wiggling her way into her kids lives.  She offers to babysit every chance she gets.  She offers to show up for things even when it inconveniences her or her husband, all in an attempt to stay "connected" with her kids.  She has a horrible fear that her sons will cut her out of her life (she has told this directly too me, on several occasions) and so she does anything she can to cement her relationships, even if it means one son has to sacrifice for the other.  She will never say no in an attempt to maintain her image of perfect, sacrificing mother.  There is very little real sincerity in it, however, and it's always done for image.  And while I don't think this is a personal attack on me (or whomever), you can't help feeling less than important when people do things for you because it benefits THEM.  It just all feels so manipulative and shady.  There is always a price for what she does too, commitment to her of your time, energy, love and devotion.  Again, I believe it's about racking up points.  As if the points will even out all the lack of real thought, effort, or real connection.   She also uses these opportunities of helping to gather information, which she then spews to whomever will listen in her "I worry so much about them" tone.  I can't count how many times she has offered to help my SIL and then told me how sad SIL is that she can't do whatever it is she did for her.  Or she takes their trust in her and their confiding in her and shares it in a way with me that suggests she sees them as not measuring up.

There were many things that made me see things differently.  It was such a process.  But the best indicator was that I never felt better or happier or connected or any other emotion associated with family that you are supposed to have after having interactions with these women.  I always felt drained and suspicious and on edge; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I could never relax and be myself.  I always felt on guard.  I never felt noticed or seen.  I was always just a blank canvas they projected on or mirror they used to see the image of what they wanted themselves to be.