My NSIS, NM, and I have always been very enmeshed. The relationships have always been very codependent.
As I described before, I was often the care taker or protector of my sister. We were always together. We went to childcare together and I protected and took care of her there. In social situations, we were always together. Even now, when my father's family had a family reunion, she wanted to go with me (even though we hadn't spoken in over a year) because she needs me to buffer for her. In some situations, she can be very friendly and out going. Not so much in others. We took the same dance classes and lessons (NM always put me into the age level of NSIS, so I was often with kids two years younger.) My friends where NSIS's friends (but generally not the other way around).
My NM and NSis have a very love/hate relationship. NSis and my father did not get along at all when she was a kid and NSis was very attached to NM. NM always babied her and coddled her. NSis always got to sit by NM on the couch when we watched TV (I was with my father). Nsis always sat by my mother in restaurants. NSis even had to sit behind my mother in the car (not my father because she didn't like him.) NM helped with my sister's homework (as did I. NM did not, generally help me) when she slacked off. NM enabled my sister when consequences were in order.
NM always expected me to give to my sister (as the "luckier") one and enable her too. When my sister would beat the hell out of me, biting, gouging chunks of my skin out with her nails, punching me, my NM blamed us "both" for fighting (even though NSis never had a scratch and I never hit her back.) I was blamed if my sister didn't do her chores. I was blamed if my sister did something she wasn't supposed to (the final straw of me moving out of NM's house was when she held me accountable for my sister taking off and me not being able to find her. NM, of course, was spending the weekend at her boyfriend's house and put me "in charge". If I'd come home without her, I'd also have been grounded. My sister was rarely held accountable, by NM, of attacking me (other relatives and my father tried to help me, but NM undermined that often.)
NM has am million excuses for NSis's bad behavior: she's having a hard time, she is unlucky, she just can't catch a break, bad things just "accidentally" happen to her. She just has a horrible boyfriend, no self esteem (something NM asked my to have my DH help my sister get by "supporting" her more.) She gives her tons of money (which she justifies as fair because she buys my kids tons of -unwanted- toys and gifts. Or because she has to spend four times as much on me for "gifts" -my kids and husband count in "my" total- and so it's fair to give my sister more. I could care less about the money, but it speaks volumes to me.) She makes excuses when my sister ignores me or forgets me or acts up (she's just jealous of you Jessie, you have so much and it makes her feel bad about herself, she has a lot going on right now, she has a hard time remembering things like birthdays.)
Every once and awhile NM would agree that my sister was treating me badly, but aside from a pitying look, she would then change the subject to how much my sister treats HER badly and how horrible it makes her feel. How it's not fair that she has to "deal with NSIS" all on her own. No one struggles as much to help NSis, no one does for NSis, no one knows how painful this all is for her. I have counseled, consoled, and listened to NM's complaints. For many years, I hated my sister for what she was "doing to my mother" (shortly after this, NSis and I compared notes - in the one period I thought we were on the same side -and found out NM blamed ME for all of her stress in life.) Despite all I did for my sister, it never counted.
My sister is very dependent on my mother. When my parents divorced, she got most of the attention for acting out. She got ALL of the therapy. She relies on my mother to give her money (when she went to visit my dying grandmother, my mother paid for it all). She relies on my mother to help her out. But she also gets very annoyed with her. NM would visit her once a year (which NSis would complain about. NM visited me four to five times a year at the time AND stayed in my home. She would get a hotel - or end up in a hotel after they fought- at NSis's house) and NSis would complain it was too much to have her come more. NSis would call complaining about my mother holding her back, not getting her, not being supportive, not being empathetic (when NSis's beloved dog died, NM couldn't talk to her on the phone about it because it upset NM so much. :P) My sister rarely visited NM in her home.
Since my estrangement with my sister, NM and NSis have both claimed their relationship has gotten so much better. They don't necessarily imply it's because I'm out of the picture, I think they think they have "worked on their issues" and that NSis is "getting better" (something I've seen no evidence of). I think my putting up boundaries has just driven them closer together (and more codependent). They act very lovey dovey on FB. They are very defensive about each other. While they can complain about each other, if I EVER said anything, I got criticized and put down for it.
My NM has had little concern over my feelings towards my sister. She portrays me as holding a grudge, being resentful, and "giving up" on my sister. She has never tried to understand my point of view, but rather pushed reconciliation. Last year, she wrote me an email saying that everything was her fault and that I shouldn't hold NSis responsible for the mistakes NM made as a mother (what those mistakes where she didn't say). When I explained that I had issues with the ADULT my sister was, NM dismissed me. She has guilted, shamed, and pushed me to reconcile. She even pulls out "you don't know how hard this is on me". I have never felt understood or listened to about the situation. In fact, she doesn't even ask about me.
I know that my father told my sister to back off last month and that I had some things I was working through (I wish my father hadn't said this, as NSIS took this as I had "problems" and then launched into trying to be the sympathetic caregiver to me, which came off as patronizing and condescending instead of really caring.) I know NSIS told this to my mother (they have no confidentiality when it comes to me and tell each other everything. NSis betrayed my confidence when I would complain about my mother (I thought we were sharing a common feeling, as NSis would also say the same things about my mother during the conversation.) But NM has made no attempts to reach out and see if I am OK (just vague condolences about my grandmother -and then gossip about my father's family that she managed to obtain through manipulation). I'm sure she'd justify that as "respecting my privacy". But she doesn't respect my privacy at any other time, why now?
NM has twice in the past month -as tension with my sister has reached a new height- changed her profile photo on FB to one of her and NSIS. Close together with their heads, laughing, prompting lots of "awes" and "you two are so sweet" and "so much love". BARF.
I do not want to be on NM's profile. I refuse to take the ridiculous selfies she forces on everyone else. She used to use my children, but I put a stop to that too (I don't like their photos public). I'm not jealous of the relationship they have together. In fact, seeing photos of them like that reminds me of what it is like to be around them. Lots of bitter tongues and gossip and complaining and drama mongering. Few real conversations. Lots of me trying my best to be supportive and never feeling like I could be myself. The negativity that is the two of them "behind the scenes" is horrible.
But it strikes me as VERY insensitive of NM to keep changing the photo to one of her and my sister. It almost implies to me that I am on the outside and they are on the inside. That she has taken sides (which I've always felt). When my sister was in town, fine. But just randomly? And it's not like NM posts tons of pictures of her with other people as her profile photo. It's either NM or it's NM and NSIS. And maybe she's just trying to force me to look at my sister and hoping it'll make me feel guilt/nostalgia/sadness or something. I really could be reading too much into it but I've seen NM do things like this before to elicit reactions out of people. She loves to bait.
Meanwhile, she's texting me, baiting me to support her in her latest endeavor (sort of "hey, look at me, this is what I'm doing. You should be acknowledging it!!!") I've always been the caretaker while NSis is the star and the pet. And photos like that one just plain piss me off. I go from rage, to anger, to very annoyed, and then finally hurt.
Maybe it's a good thing, as it reminds me of why I don't want to participate in any of this anymore. (and BTW, I don't look at NM's FB page unless I have to anymore, but her profile photo is hard to ignore.) But it is so painful to be aware of how little NM cares about my feelings in all of this. How my well being is of little concern to her. Now of this shocks me or surprises me. And if I called NM on it, she'd twist it to say she's just "not picking favorites" and "loving both of my daughters". Blech.
Showing posts with label annoying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoying. Show all posts
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Checking In
A couple of months ago, my youngest son decided he wasn't going to nap. At all. No quiet time, nothing. So, there went my blogging time. That and summer's gotten busy, and I've just had not time to check in.
But, I've been overwhelmed, depressed and thought it a good time to process a few things. I had been feeling a lot better. I had been gaining big strides, making lots of progress. I was experiencing much less anxiety. I felt stronger and happier than I had in a long time (still not strong, or really all that happy, but I felt better. I was working hard to remember that I wouldn't be "there" immediately in this process. )
And then I got tired of dealing with it all. Some inkling of realization that "this is reality. They really are these difficult people and I'm really going to have to deal with them, like this, every day forever. There will be no change, no progress, no "relationship" with them. Because they are incapable of it. So, I will now only be "managing" them." That was a hard thing to come to terms with. Since the "record plea for peace" NM has been keeping her distance. Mostly. That means weekly, sometimes daily, emails or texts. Often several texts in one day (think like 10). But mostly she's been quiet. She did "perk up" when we went on vacation. I avoided telling her before we left that we were going. She found out when we were in the middle of it. Then I got "text me when you get home" and emails about her latest argument with her husband and bugging me to let her know "how things went" and "how is the driving going". Leave me alone.
She's been bringing up my sister when she gets a chance. Just throwing her in. "Oh, you saw that. NSIS said this about it." Or "Oh, you're on vacation? I just booked tickets to visit (the city Nsis lives in)." (It was a tad more subtle than this, because she linked something we were doing on vacation, to something she will also do in NSIS's town. None the less, it was pretty obvious her point.)
My step sister (I have two SS and two SB's -plus spouses- on my mother's side. We have never had a relationship. They never really cared to include us - we were on their "turf" as NM tried to "assimilate" us into their life, not vice versa. They weren't mean, just completely ignored me and NSIS. This got worse when NSis started acting out in high school and all family members were greatly impacted, including them.) had decided she wanted to do a "family photo shoot" HAHAHAH. I haven't seen some of these people in YEARS and only communicate through the family Christmas card exchange, despite all living relatively close and having opportunities to see each other. Once, this particular step sister drove across the state to attend a business conference at the resort I worked at. It's not a big place and I was easy to find, but she never made it down the staircase to the restaurant to find me. Anyway, she wanted a family photo shoot to "celebrate" our "parent's marriage". Again, HAHAHA. Not only would I have had to take vacation time to accommodate their Sunday afternoon time slot (they all live close and can travel home and back in one day), we would've had to drive 6 hours, each way, and.....BE IN A PICTURE WITH NSIS AND HER SCUZZY BOYFRIEND. Um, no.
Why in the world Nm even fantasized this would happen, I don't know. I haven't spoken to NSIS in two years. What, would we just show up and throw our arm's around each other? The ultimate "pretend" game? I'm sure NM thought....hoped... that we would be the reason to "finally come together" and she could take credit for the reconciliation. But, at the same time, NM kept saying how ridiculous she thought the photo was (she dislikes SS and was angry that SS didn't think about "her children" when planning the photo. That it's "all about SS".)
Anyway, I refused to go. I was very proud of myself, as I didn't JADE (much). In any course, I stayed emotionally neutral. Even when NM pointed out that "NSIS's boyfriend is insisting they come. He thinks it's important to support me." HAHAHAHAH! Oh yeah, the physically abusive, freaky boyfriend, wants to support you? Good for you. (And for the record, NM booked her vacation to see NSIS the weekend before the shoot was supposed to happen. So, I know they are not going. I'm not surprised. NSIS hasn't been back to my mother's home in 6- SIX- years.)
So, that was that. All this came up at my youngest son's birthday. On that note, the party went well. I invited people OUTSIDE of the family, and what do you know, it was mostly pleasant ;).
NM did try some of her bullshit. We had an incident in February, in which she watched my sons for a half hour while I went out for a walk. Later that night, NM laughingly told me, "Don't tell OS, but he knocked over a lamp today. I accidently showed him some of your gifts for him when getting a new light bulb for the lamp. I told him, if he didn't tell on me to you, I wouldn't tell on him." She told me this laughingly and thought it was hysterical. I was sickened. That she would BLACK MAIL my son, and then make him think he was doing a favor was disgusting. That she would convince him that lying to me - and lying in general - was OK, as long as you don't get caught, is so messed up. I told her in no uncertain terms that she couldn't pull that bullshit with my kid. There was of course, retaliation for that for me, but that's another story.
Anyway, she told me "I'll babysit, and I promise, we won't have a lamp incident." I didn't think it was funny.
She took my MIL's side several times when I was discussing some of the things that MIL had been doing to me. She even made sure to spend extra time "bonding" (her word) with MIL and discussing getting together to "hang out" for the weekend. Clearly, she's trying to hurt my feelings. Completely dismissing what I've said about MIL and believing MIL is a "good person". (also despite what she's said and seen of MIL in the past. She's only a fan of MIL when she's angry with me.)
She was OK with the kids. She wasn't too obnoxious, except for a DAYS long pat on the back for putting my son to bed. Making sure to retell all of the wonderful things she did to get him to sleep. (The implication is that she was a hero for doing something I couldn't or wouldn't do. Or that she was "saving me" from doing.) I ignored this.
She did pick a huge political argument, although she let step father do most of the actually arguing. She just sat, kicking my stepfather under the table and rolling her eyes whenever I was speaking (I was turned away from her, DH told me about this later.) She's just brimming under her cool, controlled, icy exterior to get at me, it seems. Wanting so badly to put me in my place, but being unable to and not wanting to blow her cover.
So, aside from that, it's been quiet around her when it comes to her. Aside from that. It's kind of crazy to write all of that down and then think about how this is her, on "mellow". That she's often been a lot worse (or maybe I've handled it a lot more poorly?)
SIL and BIL haven't been around much. They're busy crafting a new personality (new looks, new attitudes, new friends. Aside from narcissism, they seem to be having a mid-life crisis). Even friends of their's have been complaining about them to DH about how they've just "dumped" everyone and moved on. BUT, at least they are out of my hair for awhile.
No news on the NSIS front. She occasional leaves a comment on my FB photos. Or likes random comments I put up. I'm guessing that's more to keep me on my toes. There is no rhyme or reason. Or maybe that's how I "appear" in her mind; random notes that float in and out of her consciousness. I doubt she thinks about me and our situation nearly as much as I think about her.
The in-laws. Well, I haven't seen them a lot. That helps. I did have an incident that triggered a bunch of feelings that I will write about in my next post. I've really been able to clarify my understanding of the dynamics in DH's family. Not that the understanding helps much. Sometimes I feel still stuck in the same trap of dysfunction with them. No matter how much progress I make. DH can SEE everything, but hasn't bothered to fully un-enmesh with them. He keeps saying "yes, I see how they are, but they are family and we have to be around the." I'm trying to get him to see that being around them doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit. Peace at all cost. I feel like, if I say I don't like something and they can't handle it and blow up at me, that's on THEM. He seems to feel the opposite.
In addition, here are a few highlights:
MIL planned a birthday party for FIL. She is notoriously horrible at this stuff (she CAN NOT communicate with vendors and always has issues. ) She is scattered and disorganized (at a party, serving alcohol, she had NO water for people. And nothing other than soda for the kids - she knows my kids don't drink soda, it's actually DH's rule). She attempted several times to get DH to take over. Thankfully, he wiggled out. The party was OK (she avoided me) but the next day we got a lot of pressure to stop by. When we did (I knew we were going, but DH kept telling me we weren't....and then that morning breakfast plans got cancelled and we had to go over there), I refused to go in the house because of the dog. It was a chilly day, but not horrible, but FIL kept complaining he had to come outside (the kids were playing outside too, but he didn't care).
At the party, my MIL got all three kids cake, except my youngest (he wasn't right by them, but close. And she's always pushing food on the other kids. And there was only four kids, her grandkids, so it was odd she left him out.) She also gave the three other kids the sportsball magnets off the cake and left out my son (he's the littlest, but only by six months than his cousin.) Again, he wasn't right there, but I think it's unfair to give all the kids one, and not him just because he wasn't standing there. (I'd say it was coincidence too, but last summer, she gave a NEW toy to my OS - her golden boy- and nothing to my younger son - who was 2, small, but not small enough to be excluded.)
The day after the party, MIL shoved a bag of clothes she had bought for my sons (and not at HER son, who was beside her. I'm guessing I was supposed to be thankful and give her a "point.") True to form, most of it was unattractive. But the kicker was that the stuff for my son was for an infant. He was a month from THREE at the time. But she'd bought him 12-18 months cloths. As she shoved them at me, she told me how "cute they were" and "such a good deal". Way to toot your own horn MIL.
As I've written before, BIL and SIL planned a "family vacation" with MIL and FIL over the weekend of my younger son's birthday. Nobody bothered to tell us (we all know when the parties will be each year and MIL and FIL make a big deal about being invited). DH found out by accident. MIL called weeks before the party, in a panic (we had purposely not told her when we scheduled it, by misfortunate, it had to be the day after they got back and they would be able to attend.) saying they would "change their flights". Yeah, right. Such a martyr move (I'll change my flight to come!!!! How about just offering up a fucking apology, lady?) She then asks DH for ideas for gifts, and is taken a back when we say we've given out all of our ideas already.
The day of the party, MIL and FIL are FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE. I can't help but notice there absence. And I must say I was a bit gleeful. Finally, the f-ers were getting CAUGHT. MIL spoke little to me but, hoofed off (she waddles like one of those "Weeble-Waddle" people when she walksand bustles past people a lot. Huge boobs out, charging forward.) Later, as I drove home with NM, she commented on MIL being late and explained that MIL had been lost. LIE! MIL had just been to the party place a few months before. It's not hard to find and it's a small area between three major roads. So, she had to call BIL to "give her directions" (she is such a child, that she often expects her son's to help her figure out how to get places.) And besides, 45 minutes for lost? I live in a fairly small town, which MIL comes to about 20 weekends a year. Anyway, MIL does not speak to me the entire time. She continues to waddle-bustle past me, always in a "hurry". The gift she brings for my SON, is wrapped in girly-pink wrapping paper (not that I'm all about gender appropriate, but it just so clearly showed how little she gives a shit about my son.) DH later told me that she had explained to him that, not only were they lost, but that FIL had so busy setting up the camp trailer (they had decided to camp outside my town.) that they lost track of time. I'm not sure wtf she was doing that impaired her from telling time, but it was all FIL's fault. So, she LIED to my mother, covered her ass and blamed FIL (with a shifty explanation in my book) , and actually admitted, that yes, they were late due to their own poor planning. And I didn't get an apology or an explanation at all.
She also gave both my kids money for their piggy bank. The older son, whose not even the birthday boy, got MORE.
The next day, she and FIL come to my kids game (which the "luckily" could come to when we told them about it last minute. They'd had the schedule of all the other games, but couldn't make those. Not coincidentally, it was also DH's birthday. I'm sure I was expected to invite them over afterwards, but I'd had my fill. This is when NM decide to swoop in and "bond" with MIL, ignoring my kids' pleas to come home and play, and instead hanging out with MIL in the parking lot for half an hour.) FIL, who is a mostly nice guy, guffawed and made jokes about the kids (5 year olds.). It wasn't wholly in appropriate (not man jokes) but I still thought not OK. MIL didn't talk to me the whole game, not say hi. (I'm guessing she felt shame for not showing up at the party on time. So, instead of apologizing and move on, she decides to be nervous and tense and act weird.) She did manage to yell "TAG YOUR BASE" at my son (none of yell at the kids. They are little, very little.) I was glad they were away from me.
So, that was months ago, and I've had some peace and quiet. After next weekend, I'll have a few more weeks of peace. However, some issues have really clarified in my mind about my in-laws and I'll explore them in my next post.
But, I've been overwhelmed, depressed and thought it a good time to process a few things. I had been feeling a lot better. I had been gaining big strides, making lots of progress. I was experiencing much less anxiety. I felt stronger and happier than I had in a long time (still not strong, or really all that happy, but I felt better. I was working hard to remember that I wouldn't be "there" immediately in this process. )
And then I got tired of dealing with it all. Some inkling of realization that "this is reality. They really are these difficult people and I'm really going to have to deal with them, like this, every day forever. There will be no change, no progress, no "relationship" with them. Because they are incapable of it. So, I will now only be "managing" them." That was a hard thing to come to terms with. Since the "record plea for peace" NM has been keeping her distance. Mostly. That means weekly, sometimes daily, emails or texts. Often several texts in one day (think like 10). But mostly she's been quiet. She did "perk up" when we went on vacation. I avoided telling her before we left that we were going. She found out when we were in the middle of it. Then I got "text me when you get home" and emails about her latest argument with her husband and bugging me to let her know "how things went" and "how is the driving going". Leave me alone.
She's been bringing up my sister when she gets a chance. Just throwing her in. "Oh, you saw that. NSIS said this about it." Or "Oh, you're on vacation? I just booked tickets to visit (the city Nsis lives in)." (It was a tad more subtle than this, because she linked something we were doing on vacation, to something she will also do in NSIS's town. None the less, it was pretty obvious her point.)
My step sister (I have two SS and two SB's -plus spouses- on my mother's side. We have never had a relationship. They never really cared to include us - we were on their "turf" as NM tried to "assimilate" us into their life, not vice versa. They weren't mean, just completely ignored me and NSIS. This got worse when NSis started acting out in high school and all family members were greatly impacted, including them.) had decided she wanted to do a "family photo shoot" HAHAHAH. I haven't seen some of these people in YEARS and only communicate through the family Christmas card exchange, despite all living relatively close and having opportunities to see each other. Once, this particular step sister drove across the state to attend a business conference at the resort I worked at. It's not a big place and I was easy to find, but she never made it down the staircase to the restaurant to find me. Anyway, she wanted a family photo shoot to "celebrate" our "parent's marriage". Again, HAHAHA. Not only would I have had to take vacation time to accommodate their Sunday afternoon time slot (they all live close and can travel home and back in one day), we would've had to drive 6 hours, each way, and.....BE IN A PICTURE WITH NSIS AND HER SCUZZY BOYFRIEND. Um, no.
Why in the world Nm even fantasized this would happen, I don't know. I haven't spoken to NSIS in two years. What, would we just show up and throw our arm's around each other? The ultimate "pretend" game? I'm sure NM thought....hoped... that we would be the reason to "finally come together" and she could take credit for the reconciliation. But, at the same time, NM kept saying how ridiculous she thought the photo was (she dislikes SS and was angry that SS didn't think about "her children" when planning the photo. That it's "all about SS".)
Anyway, I refused to go. I was very proud of myself, as I didn't JADE (much). In any course, I stayed emotionally neutral. Even when NM pointed out that "NSIS's boyfriend is insisting they come. He thinks it's important to support me." HAHAHAHAH! Oh yeah, the physically abusive, freaky boyfriend, wants to support you? Good for you. (And for the record, NM booked her vacation to see NSIS the weekend before the shoot was supposed to happen. So, I know they are not going. I'm not surprised. NSIS hasn't been back to my mother's home in 6- SIX- years.)
So, that was that. All this came up at my youngest son's birthday. On that note, the party went well. I invited people OUTSIDE of the family, and what do you know, it was mostly pleasant ;).
NM did try some of her bullshit. We had an incident in February, in which she watched my sons for a half hour while I went out for a walk. Later that night, NM laughingly told me, "Don't tell OS, but he knocked over a lamp today. I accidently showed him some of your gifts for him when getting a new light bulb for the lamp. I told him, if he didn't tell on me to you, I wouldn't tell on him." She told me this laughingly and thought it was hysterical. I was sickened. That she would BLACK MAIL my son, and then make him think he was doing a favor was disgusting. That she would convince him that lying to me - and lying in general - was OK, as long as you don't get caught, is so messed up. I told her in no uncertain terms that she couldn't pull that bullshit with my kid. There was of course, retaliation for that for me, but that's another story.
Anyway, she told me "I'll babysit, and I promise, we won't have a lamp incident." I didn't think it was funny.
She took my MIL's side several times when I was discussing some of the things that MIL had been doing to me. She even made sure to spend extra time "bonding" (her word) with MIL and discussing getting together to "hang out" for the weekend. Clearly, she's trying to hurt my feelings. Completely dismissing what I've said about MIL and believing MIL is a "good person". (also despite what she's said and seen of MIL in the past. She's only a fan of MIL when she's angry with me.)
She was OK with the kids. She wasn't too obnoxious, except for a DAYS long pat on the back for putting my son to bed. Making sure to retell all of the wonderful things she did to get him to sleep. (The implication is that she was a hero for doing something I couldn't or wouldn't do. Or that she was "saving me" from doing.) I ignored this.
She did pick a huge political argument, although she let step father do most of the actually arguing. She just sat, kicking my stepfather under the table and rolling her eyes whenever I was speaking (I was turned away from her, DH told me about this later.) She's just brimming under her cool, controlled, icy exterior to get at me, it seems. Wanting so badly to put me in my place, but being unable to and not wanting to blow her cover.
So, aside from that, it's been quiet around her when it comes to her. Aside from that. It's kind of crazy to write all of that down and then think about how this is her, on "mellow". That she's often been a lot worse (or maybe I've handled it a lot more poorly?)
SIL and BIL haven't been around much. They're busy crafting a new personality (new looks, new attitudes, new friends. Aside from narcissism, they seem to be having a mid-life crisis). Even friends of their's have been complaining about them to DH about how they've just "dumped" everyone and moved on. BUT, at least they are out of my hair for awhile.
No news on the NSIS front. She occasional leaves a comment on my FB photos. Or likes random comments I put up. I'm guessing that's more to keep me on my toes. There is no rhyme or reason. Or maybe that's how I "appear" in her mind; random notes that float in and out of her consciousness. I doubt she thinks about me and our situation nearly as much as I think about her.
The in-laws. Well, I haven't seen them a lot. That helps. I did have an incident that triggered a bunch of feelings that I will write about in my next post. I've really been able to clarify my understanding of the dynamics in DH's family. Not that the understanding helps much. Sometimes I feel still stuck in the same trap of dysfunction with them. No matter how much progress I make. DH can SEE everything, but hasn't bothered to fully un-enmesh with them. He keeps saying "yes, I see how they are, but they are family and we have to be around the." I'm trying to get him to see that being around them doesn't mean putting up with their bullshit. Peace at all cost. I feel like, if I say I don't like something and they can't handle it and blow up at me, that's on THEM. He seems to feel the opposite.
In addition, here are a few highlights:
MIL planned a birthday party for FIL. She is notoriously horrible at this stuff (she CAN NOT communicate with vendors and always has issues. ) She is scattered and disorganized (at a party, serving alcohol, she had NO water for people. And nothing other than soda for the kids - she knows my kids don't drink soda, it's actually DH's rule). She attempted several times to get DH to take over. Thankfully, he wiggled out. The party was OK (she avoided me) but the next day we got a lot of pressure to stop by. When we did (I knew we were going, but DH kept telling me we weren't....and then that morning breakfast plans got cancelled and we had to go over there), I refused to go in the house because of the dog. It was a chilly day, but not horrible, but FIL kept complaining he had to come outside (the kids were playing outside too, but he didn't care).
At the party, my MIL got all three kids cake, except my youngest (he wasn't right by them, but close. And she's always pushing food on the other kids. And there was only four kids, her grandkids, so it was odd she left him out.) She also gave the three other kids the sportsball magnets off the cake and left out my son (he's the littlest, but only by six months than his cousin.) Again, he wasn't right there, but I think it's unfair to give all the kids one, and not him just because he wasn't standing there. (I'd say it was coincidence too, but last summer, she gave a NEW toy to my OS - her golden boy- and nothing to my younger son - who was 2, small, but not small enough to be excluded.)
The day after the party, MIL shoved a bag of clothes she had bought for my sons (and not at HER son, who was beside her. I'm guessing I was supposed to be thankful and give her a "point.") True to form, most of it was unattractive. But the kicker was that the stuff for my son was for an infant. He was a month from THREE at the time. But she'd bought him 12-18 months cloths. As she shoved them at me, she told me how "cute they were" and "such a good deal". Way to toot your own horn MIL.
As I've written before, BIL and SIL planned a "family vacation" with MIL and FIL over the weekend of my younger son's birthday. Nobody bothered to tell us (we all know when the parties will be each year and MIL and FIL make a big deal about being invited). DH found out by accident. MIL called weeks before the party, in a panic (we had purposely not told her when we scheduled it, by misfortunate, it had to be the day after they got back and they would be able to attend.) saying they would "change their flights". Yeah, right. Such a martyr move (I'll change my flight to come!!!! How about just offering up a fucking apology, lady?) She then asks DH for ideas for gifts, and is taken a back when we say we've given out all of our ideas already.
The day of the party, MIL and FIL are FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE. I can't help but notice there absence. And I must say I was a bit gleeful. Finally, the f-ers were getting CAUGHT. MIL spoke little to me but, hoofed off (she waddles like one of those "Weeble-Waddle" people when she walksand bustles past people a lot. Huge boobs out, charging forward.) Later, as I drove home with NM, she commented on MIL being late and explained that MIL had been lost. LIE! MIL had just been to the party place a few months before. It's not hard to find and it's a small area between three major roads. So, she had to call BIL to "give her directions" (she is such a child, that she often expects her son's to help her figure out how to get places.) And besides, 45 minutes for lost? I live in a fairly small town, which MIL comes to about 20 weekends a year. Anyway, MIL does not speak to me the entire time. She continues to waddle-bustle past me, always in a "hurry". The gift she brings for my SON, is wrapped in girly-pink wrapping paper (not that I'm all about gender appropriate, but it just so clearly showed how little she gives a shit about my son.) DH later told me that she had explained to him that, not only were they lost, but that FIL had so busy setting up the camp trailer (they had decided to camp outside my town.) that they lost track of time. I'm not sure wtf she was doing that impaired her from telling time, but it was all FIL's fault. So, she LIED to my mother, covered her ass and blamed FIL (with a shifty explanation in my book) , and actually admitted, that yes, they were late due to their own poor planning. And I didn't get an apology or an explanation at all.
She also gave both my kids money for their piggy bank. The older son, whose not even the birthday boy, got MORE.
The next day, she and FIL come to my kids game (which the "luckily" could come to when we told them about it last minute. They'd had the schedule of all the other games, but couldn't make those. Not coincidentally, it was also DH's birthday. I'm sure I was expected to invite them over afterwards, but I'd had my fill. This is when NM decide to swoop in and "bond" with MIL, ignoring my kids' pleas to come home and play, and instead hanging out with MIL in the parking lot for half an hour.) FIL, who is a mostly nice guy, guffawed and made jokes about the kids (5 year olds.). It wasn't wholly in appropriate (not man jokes) but I still thought not OK. MIL didn't talk to me the whole game, not say hi. (I'm guessing she felt shame for not showing up at the party on time. So, instead of apologizing and move on, she decides to be nervous and tense and act weird.) She did manage to yell "TAG YOUR BASE" at my son (none of yell at the kids. They are little, very little.) I was glad they were away from me.
So, that was months ago, and I've had some peace and quiet. After next weekend, I'll have a few more weeks of peace. However, some issues have really clarified in my mind about my in-laws and I'll explore them in my next post.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Elephant in the Room
Easter provided me with lots of opportunities to practice my new narc management skills. I hope to write some posts on how I've been able to manage my NSis and NM better. But for now, NMIL is stuck in my craw. So, again this post will be about her.
I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon. I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them. I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids. As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all). But it was manageable I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.
Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend. I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me. When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed. But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger. As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced how I could approach him in a less aggressive way. When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home. I had expected you home at 4." He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off. OK. I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door. I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.) I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help. He agreed.
It was wonderful. I felt accomplished. I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening. So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back. He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday. They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner." So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it. MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them. No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL. Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs. There is an agenda to it: she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL. It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line. She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky. Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say. But it just seems like this happens all the time. MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans. No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us. Sure, we can refuse to go. We can say we have other plans. But we know there is an implied demand that we comply. It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact. We are never consulted. And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.
But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it. But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too. They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour. I told (MIL) that we couldn't." So, here we were. Another surprise visit. A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour. BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time. But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated. My stomach started hurting. I tensed up. I started shaking and getting antsy. What in the hell was going on? My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go. This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.
A little background to the farm tours. The farm is down the street from my house. I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend). SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise). I believe they went with us once. But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends. Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to. But this isn't the first time this has happened. It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else. It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together. In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids (cousins of close age) can play. DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us. Ever. After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together. So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people. And that's what happened here. BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL. We are not family apparently And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us. MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all. They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us. Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother. She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch. Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)
I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table. But hearing about the farm just shut me down. I had to tell him. I had to tell him my feelings. I needed to get it out and I needed his support. But I knew better. I knew he wouldn't understand. I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me. But it sounded stupid. Why couldn't they go to the tour? They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically. Another habit she has. She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.) DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic. And that's what I'm sure I sounded like. This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place. She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.
I thought and thought about it. I consumed a glass of wine. And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:
MIL is like an elephant. A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force. You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons. The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face. And she's running at me with a flag in her hand. Constantly. This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine. She just barrels right over the top of me. It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle. She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself. So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine. She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way. She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created. For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others. AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me. (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share. That family does share. There are no boundaries). She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too. She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there. She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself. She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything. It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself. How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created). She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm. It'll be an annual "family thing". And she does this to me over and over and over and over.
But here is the hard part. Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant. They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!" "She's just excited" they'll exclaim. They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour. Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own". They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go. They'll say, why do you need credit? But the thing is, I don't need the credit. But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT. She has to be in charge and directing it all. No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her. Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants. No one sees that she has buried me in the ground. They just see a loving, excited grandma. I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.
A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant. That is what she is to me. Recognizing this has helped. I actually was able to communicate this to DH. He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.
But what do I do now? How do I stop a charging elephant? How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?
I've known for awhile that she will be coming around soon. I've actually had a nice, long break from all of them. I ran into BIL and SIL at an event for the kids. As usually, they were distant and spoke little (if at all...now that I think of it, they really didn't speak to me at all). But it was manageable I had been quite nervous, but I made it through.
Before dinner, my husband took my son to visit a friend. I had asked him to be home by 4 p.m to help me. When he wasn't home at that time, I was annoyed. But I used it at as a moment to practice some restraint and approach things from a place of expressing my feelings rather than unleashing my anger. As I waited the half hour for him to come home, I practiced and practiced how I could approach him in a less aggressive way. When he came in, I simple said "Hi, glad you are home. I had expected you home at 4." He then explained that he had run into the wife of the friend, just as he was leaving and had felt it rude to just take off. OK. I was glad I didn't jump on him the minute he walked in the door. I told him that I had been disappointed he hadn't been home on time (and even if he hadn't run into this woman, he still would've been late.) I told him that I had found it frustrating and that I expected he would come home when we had agreed upon, especially when he knew I really needed his help. He agreed.
It was wonderful. I felt accomplished. I felt like we had communicated and I had been able to get my point across and that it hadn't destroyed the whole tempo of the evening. So, we continued to talk and he remembered that he hadn't called his parents back. He said "Oh, MIL is coming down in a few weeks for FIL's birthday. They will be staying the weekend and want to take us all (meaning us and BIL and SIL and their family) out to dinner." So, this sent little twinges of annoyance through me, but I had expected it. MIL uses FIL's birthday every year, either to invite herself down her or to push us to invite them. No one else in the family has a "big family celebration" but she knows that we will all do it for FIL. Sounds nice, but in the end I know that MIL does this only because it meets her needs. There is an agenda to it: she gets to get the family together, but she can do it under the guise of FIL. It also annoys me that she just makes plans and then expects us to fall in line. She doesn't stay with us, but rather with BIL, so itt's actually a bit sticky. Because really, they have every right to make plans together and it's not at my house so I don't really have a say. But it just seems like this happens all the time. MIL and BIL arrange something and THEN call us to inform us of the plans. No one checks with me and DH to see what is going on with us. Sure, we can refuse to go. We can say we have other plans. But we know there is an implied demand that we comply. It annoys me that, over and over, we are informed of plans after the fact. We are never consulted. And if it didn't work out for us, they wouldn't adjust the plans to include us in the "family" get together.
But, I had expected this birthday bullshit from MIL, so I was better able to handle it. But then DH, more talking out loud than to me said "They are actually coming Tuesday too. They wanted us to meet up at the farm tour. I told (MIL) that we couldn't." So, here we were. Another surprise visit. A visit that it appeared BIL had been made privy too before us, as they had already made plans to go to the farm tour. BIL does talk to MIL almost every day, so it didn't surprise me -and as described above - they make plans and then tack us on all the time. But this time I was pissed and angry and frustrated. My stomach started hurting. I tensed up. I started shaking and getting antsy. What in the hell was going on? My physical reaction seemed so much more extreme than the situation called for, especially since we hadn't been expected to go. This is why MIL is tricky for me, she triggers this feeling all the time and I can't pin point where it comes from.
A little background to the farm tours. The farm is down the street from my house. I discovered this farm tour several years back and began inviting BIL/SIL and their kids to it (along with a mutual family friend). SIl had overheard me talking to another friend on Saturday about the farm tours (they wouldn't have known otherwise). I believe they went with us once. But as is typical with BIL and SIL, they soon quite going with us and started going, either by themselves or with other family members/friends. Of course, they have the right to go whenever they want to. But this isn't the first time this has happened. It isn't the first time they've taken ideas from me and then went with someone else. It isn't the first time they have not invited us to do things with the kids together. In fact, a latest bone of contention is that they NEVER invite us to get together so our kids (cousins of close age) can play. DH has let go of making plans to try and get the kids together and has been surprised to see that they never call us. Ever. After years of making a big deal about "family" and "close cousins" (by BIL and MIL, both), DH can see that, if we don't do the planning, the kids don't get together. So, it sticks in my craw a little that they then choose to do the things, things we've invited them to, with other people. And that's what happened here. BIL decided to have a "family activity" and didn't include us again. It's BIL and SIL and MIL and FIL. We are not family apparently And this has happened over and over and over (in fact, several times the whole family has gotten together- three of the brothers, their wives, and my parents-in-law - without us. MIL even went on and on one night about how my chef BIL was cooking a big meal for them all. They've somehow decided it's OK to exclude us. Whether it's because they believe I wouldn't go because of all the dogs...a legitimate concern for me, but still my decision to make...or because SIL refuses to invite me to her home unless it's perfect and she can maintain her image of perfect wife and mother. She likes to blame me for being "judgmental" about her home but it's really her insecurities, not me being a bitch. Consequently, I haven't been to her home, five minutes away, in three years.)
I was stressed when DH told me this, trying to get a big Easter feast on the table. But hearing about the farm just shut me down. I had to tell him. I had to tell him my feelings. I needed to get it out and I needed his support. But I knew better. I knew he wouldn't understand. I tried to explain how I felt they were somehow taking something over, how it felt wrong somehow, how something was just nagging me. But it sounded stupid. Why couldn't they go to the tour? They HAD invited us after all (well, MIL had invited us technically. Another habit she has. She invites us to do things that I have a feeling BIL or SIL didn't want us invited to, or they would have invited us themselves.) DH looked at me, kind of rolled his eyes, and said "OK" like I was a crazy lunatic. And that's what I'm sure I sounded like. This was EXACTLY why she gets to me in the first place. She creates these weird, naggy, anxiety-ridden feelings in me and I look like a lunatic when I try to explain why.
I thought and thought about it. I consumed a glass of wine. And then it occurred to me what was going on and I tried to explain it again to DH:
MIL is like an elephant. A huge, cartoonish elephant that is running at me full force. You know the kind, like from old Disney cartoons or Looney Tune cartoons. The round elephant with the wild eyes running on two legs with a HUGE grin on her face. And she's running at me with a flag in her hand. Constantly. This woman, sees something that I am doing or have or have created and she is so damned excited about it that she is rushing at me to plant her flag right on top of mine. She just barrels right over the top of me. It's like I'm this little mouse, who has created this beautiful sand castle. She sees it from far off and LOVES it so much that she has to claim it for herself. So, she rushes in, sand flying everywhere, pushing me aside to plant her flag right over the top of mine. She cares not that she is pushing me out of the way. She cares not that she has destroyed what I have created. For her, what belongs to one family member belongs to the others. AND WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH FAMILY!! the elephant shouts at me. (MIL has actually made a point of claiming, by passive-aggressively "correcting" my son, that family should share. That family does share. There are no boundaries). She doesn't approach me and speak to me about my sand castle and ask if she can play too. She doesn't even fucking acknowledge I'm there. She is a huge, elephant, a wildly excited elephant or just demolishes anything I try to create and takes it for herself. She horns in and pushes and plops down right in the middle of everything. It's clear to me that she hasn't thought about any body else except herself. How she can look like a good grandmother, how she can "create" a family memory (or stamp her name over a family memory that I've created). She'll take credit, she'll brag to her friends about doing it with the kids, she'll speak about this event in the future as when SHE took all of the kids to the farm. It'll be an annual "family thing". And she does this to me over and over and over and over.
But here is the hard part. Others only see a very, happy (if not somewhat comical) elephant. They say "but she can't help she is an elephant!" "She's just excited" they'll exclaim. They won't understand why I'm being so "stingy" with this tour. Why I am being selfish and claiming it as "my own". They won't see how MIL has taken something that I used to invite everyone to, and they declined and now made it something that SHE invites everyone too and we are expected to go. They'll say, why do you need credit? But the thing is, I don't need the credit. But, it's clear to me, that SHE NEEDS THE CREDIT. She has to be in charge and directing it all. No one else sees a brute that is so concerned about her own excitement that she tramples on everyone around her. Or that, even is she notices that she has trampled on my sand castle, it's a small sacrifice so that she can have what she wants. No one sees that she has buried me in the ground. They just see a loving, excited grandma. I see an elephant who is going to beat me down again.
A big, giant, wild-eyed, pay to attention elephant with a flag to plant. That is what she is to me. Recognizing this has helped. I actually was able to communicate this to DH. He actually understood what I was saying and agreed that she is like that.
But what do I do now? How do I stop a charging elephant? How do I deal with these feelings that are pretty legit actually when you look at the "threat" baring down on me?
Friday, December 21, 2012
Christmas Card
I got a Christmas card from my MIL last night. And I was annoyed. Big time. It seems so stupid. So insignificant. I'll bet I'm reading into the thing too much. But something about it just pissed me off.
It was a gold card. Very "old ladyish". Very religious. The kind with some artistic rendition of The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. I think it was one of those cards, that when purchased, some money goes to some charity.
Inside, she included two pictures. One of the family, posed for a "family reunion picture" at a family funeral. Taking the picture was a minefield of chaos. Lots of chickens with their heads cut off. MIL shouting "just take the picture! Keep snapping." No one was arranged. The lighting was horrible. Plus, it was a really difficult day. As they organized the photo, I was pounding a Chardonnay at the bar. MIL's sister, the photographer, says, "don't you want to be in the photo?". I knew there was tons of time to make it out, as the chickens hadn't run around enough yet to settle into picture mode. In most of the pictures, me and my family are squished in the back. You can hardly see us. But MIL is grinning wildly in the front. In a blazing white dress, surrounded by "her family." The second photo is a shot of her and FIL, cuddled up.
Not an unusual card. If it came from anyone else, I wouldn't think twice. But the thing is, I recieved this Christmas card as a follow up. As in, she received my card, complete with a bunch of pictures of the kids (I sent them to all the grandparents. Few of them take pictures of my kids.). So, she got my card, dug some card out and sent me a card with her pictures in it (she referenced my pictures in her card, so I know she got ours first). It just felt phony. And, hell, I don't know what the right word would be. I just felt wrong. She sent the card purely because I sent her a card. For no other reason. She added the photos because she has to mimic me. She's done this to me before. It feels so "tit for tat". OH, Jessie did this, maybe if I do it too, she'll look favorably on me. She'll have to like me! She'll think I'm nice/kind/thoughtful. It didn't feel genuine or authentic or something she wanted to do. Most years she states "Thanks for your card, Jessie! I didn't send out cards. I was busy. I just didn't have time." Which, as I write it doesn't sound bad, but is so classic her. She can't give me a compliment without somehow also negating it or justifying and excusing herself. Can't she just say "thanks for the Christmas card." and leave it at that? Why does she have to be in every conversation? (That's rhetorical, I know the answer).
It irritates me too that she can't just let anything be mine. It's almost like when she quit trying to "convert" me to her, she changed tactics and thought she'd pretend to be me. This mirroring and mimicking she does of me, drives me nuts. I can't just have anything be mine. If I send pictures, she sends pictures. If I say I don't like to bake, she suddenly remarks how she no longer bakes, sort of kind of. I get lots of praise for how pretty my Christmas packages look, so she somehow figures out how to wrap a gift so it doesn't look like a monkey did it (I know it's petty, it's not about the gifts, it's about her suddenly changing to be more like me. It's creepy to me.). She changes her hobbies, eating style, extracurricular activities to "fit in". And it annoys me that she thinks I'm so stupid that I'll think better of her because she wraps a few gifts (still not well, I might add, just to be bitchy because I'm feeling that way) or sends me a photo of her snuggled up to her husband in the picture perfect picture of "true love".
She wrote in the card how she "can't wait to see you!". A visit she finagled (she can't manage to get us gifts during the TWO other times-sometimes three-that she sees us during the holidays. She has to have a 'special time' to drop them off.) She shows up tomorrow. I'm trying to not be annoyed. I wish I could change my attitude. I wish I could be more gracious. I wish I wasn't already dreading her. But I am. Fuck.
It was a gold card. Very "old ladyish". Very religious. The kind with some artistic rendition of The Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. I think it was one of those cards, that when purchased, some money goes to some charity.
Inside, she included two pictures. One of the family, posed for a "family reunion picture" at a family funeral. Taking the picture was a minefield of chaos. Lots of chickens with their heads cut off. MIL shouting "just take the picture! Keep snapping." No one was arranged. The lighting was horrible. Plus, it was a really difficult day. As they organized the photo, I was pounding a Chardonnay at the bar. MIL's sister, the photographer, says, "don't you want to be in the photo?". I knew there was tons of time to make it out, as the chickens hadn't run around enough yet to settle into picture mode. In most of the pictures, me and my family are squished in the back. You can hardly see us. But MIL is grinning wildly in the front. In a blazing white dress, surrounded by "her family." The second photo is a shot of her and FIL, cuddled up.
Not an unusual card. If it came from anyone else, I wouldn't think twice. But the thing is, I recieved this Christmas card as a follow up. As in, she received my card, complete with a bunch of pictures of the kids (I sent them to all the grandparents. Few of them take pictures of my kids.). So, she got my card, dug some card out and sent me a card with her pictures in it (she referenced my pictures in her card, so I know she got ours first). It just felt phony. And, hell, I don't know what the right word would be. I just felt wrong. She sent the card purely because I sent her a card. For no other reason. She added the photos because she has to mimic me. She's done this to me before. It feels so "tit for tat". OH, Jessie did this, maybe if I do it too, she'll look favorably on me. She'll have to like me! She'll think I'm nice/kind/thoughtful. It didn't feel genuine or authentic or something she wanted to do. Most years she states "Thanks for your card, Jessie! I didn't send out cards. I was busy. I just didn't have time." Which, as I write it doesn't sound bad, but is so classic her. She can't give me a compliment without somehow also negating it or justifying and excusing herself. Can't she just say "thanks for the Christmas card." and leave it at that? Why does she have to be in every conversation? (That's rhetorical, I know the answer).
It irritates me too that she can't just let anything be mine. It's almost like when she quit trying to "convert" me to her, she changed tactics and thought she'd pretend to be me. This mirroring and mimicking she does of me, drives me nuts. I can't just have anything be mine. If I send pictures, she sends pictures. If I say I don't like to bake, she suddenly remarks how she no longer bakes, sort of kind of. I get lots of praise for how pretty my Christmas packages look, so she somehow figures out how to wrap a gift so it doesn't look like a monkey did it (I know it's petty, it's not about the gifts, it's about her suddenly changing to be more like me. It's creepy to me.). She changes her hobbies, eating style, extracurricular activities to "fit in". And it annoys me that she thinks I'm so stupid that I'll think better of her because she wraps a few gifts (still not well, I might add, just to be bitchy because I'm feeling that way) or sends me a photo of her snuggled up to her husband in the picture perfect picture of "true love".
She wrote in the card how she "can't wait to see you!". A visit she finagled (she can't manage to get us gifts during the TWO other times-sometimes three-that she sees us during the holidays. She has to have a 'special time' to drop them off.) She shows up tomorrow. I'm trying to not be annoyed. I wish I could change my attitude. I wish I could be more gracious. I wish I wasn't already dreading her. But I am. Fuck.
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