Weekend in the Narc Lair

I spent last weekend at my MIL's house (well, not in her house, but near her house.  I can't stay in her house because she was babysitting my BIL's dog, which I am allergic too).  It didn't go badly.  I didn't get angry and upset.  Anxiety, sure.  But it wasn't horrible.  But I have no doubt any longer that she is a narc.

I questioned myself for so long.  I wondered if I was seeing "narcs" around every corner.  She is not malignant.  She is not out to get anyone.  But she will throw anyone under the bus in order to get what she wants.  Anyone and everyone is dispensable, if there is something in it for her. 

She is obsessed with attention.  She has to have all of the attention on her.  She will deflect any negative attention onto the nearest person.  She has to have all of the attention on her to shore up her constructed reality of herself.  She believes she is kind, and generous and of the most importance to her family.  She is the hub around which we all orbit. 

In order to maintain this image she has created for herself she uses all sorts of tactics.  The first being to constantly draw attention to herself.  She is constantly pointing out how great she thinks she is.  How my niece said she is the BEST cook ever.  How my son couldn't WAIT to get to her house (to play with the toys, but she doesn't seem to register that).  She's like a school girl hollering out to my husband "Do you like my flag!?"  It's a fucking flag lady. Planted right in the way of entering onto the front porch.  But she is tittering and giddy and cackling like a teenager.  She tells stories in a way that make her look the hero.  (For example, when my nephew fell off of a tire swing that she put him on-he's 2, much too young to hold on himself, and she walked away-she ran to my BIL and told him how she was running to get him and just wasn't fast enough.  SHE put him in a dangerous situation and then tried to take credit for almost saving him from falling backwards and cracking his head off the ground.)  She's constantly feeding her image.  Last Christmas, she made a HUGE deal about how she "only" wanted family portraits from us for Christmas (never mind the expense of a family portrait session, or that it was three weeks before Christmas, or that I didn't want family portraits in the snow).  She made herself sound like she ONLY wanted this simply little gift.  I finally gave her one when I got our portraits done.  I went looking for these portraits she made such a big deal of when I got to her home.  Guess where I found them?  Down the dark hallway.  And BIL and SIL didn't even give her a family portrait (like she told us they did.)  It was clear to me she cared less about the damn picture than looking like she was thoughtful and simple.  She even had DH duped (she asked him-and only him- for the portrait in the first place, complete with instructions to get together with his brother and coordinate frames that went with her home) into thinking it was a simple request....until I pointed out all of the work I would have to do to give her the damn picture. 

I've mentioned before how she likes to give me tons of worthless compliments.  She compliments my toe nail polish or the scent of my home.  She compliments me, thinking I'm such a sad sap (projection?) that these worthless comments will make me like her more.  But the thing is, all of these compliments mean nothing.  Toe nail polish?  Any monkey can point to a bottle in the store and pick a nice color. 

What I've discovered is that she never compliments me on anything of substance.  On anything that could actually be attributed to me being worthy.  At least not to my face.  She tells my husband, when I'm not around, what good parents she thinks we are, how great my kids are, how well raised they are (and even then, notice that it is not a specific compliment to me, but to both of us....really, just him).  When I have "out shown" her in some area, she minimizes it ("WELL, you make a good lasagna, but I make REALLY GOOD spaghetti").  She has to be the best mom, the best cook, the best Christian, the wisest and the smartest.  And any compliments I have in this area threaten her.  This is also the reason that she never asks my opinion (and BIL actually argues against my expertise) in areas that I actually am quite knowledgeable about (like the field of study I worked in for 7 years, have a degree in, and have a minor in.   They all know better than me if I offer an opinion and they NEVER want to know what I think. This from a family that values each other's opinions over fact).  She only compliments me on things she thinks she can compete with me on.  And then she does. 

In her campaign of images, she also has decided she needs to define everyone else's "image" (or roll) in the family too.  So, she uses subtle techniques like mentioning (for the 100th time) that my SIL doesn't cook.  She has actually spent a lot of time telling my husband (privately, hello triangulation!) about what a deficient mother SIL is.  How BIL does ALL of the cooking and cleaning and child care.  She implies SIL is spoiled and lazy.  She implies SIL is a bad mother.  This has a two fold effect: it makes SIL look bad, and it makes MIL look good by comparison.  It also always MIL a way to discuss how she has to step in and help out.  MIL asks me questions about how I parent....and then points out that she feels BIL and SIL do it wrong.  I suspect she hopes that I'll bring it up to them and "teach them".  I've mentioned that she tell them herself if she feels so strongly.  She tells me that she doesn't "want to be that MIL." 

SIL is one of her favorite "bad guys".  Because in her mind, if she is the good guy, then someone has to play the bad guy.  But anyone will work really.  When I questioned my son being given choking hazards (in general, not really to her specifically; three adults were sitting there), she jumps to defend herself, "Well, I asked DH and he said it was OK!!".  Who knows if she actually did.  God forbid she get up and get a knife and cut the damn things in half.  She's blamed DH a lot when she wasn't watching my niece and nephew.  It's always someone else's fault.  It was my BIL's fault that her household and children were crazy when they grew up.  He had a mental illness and she had four boys and well, it was all due to them....not due to the fact that she couldn't get her shit together.   It was DH's fault my niece slipped under water TWICE and had to be dragged out of the pool by me, despite the fact the MIL was in charge of her and DH and I were watching our own kids.  It was MIL's sister's fault that they became estranged because her sister has mental problems and is under a lot of stress. 

She's an expert at positioning people to look inferior and to blame.  She makes lots of "concerned" comments about how other people do things.  She shares gossip.  When she mentions my youngest BIL has a new girlfriend, she and FIL started the conversation with "What have you heard about BIL's new girlfriend."  Note:  she said "WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD" not, have you heard he has a girlfriend or just simple stated it as a fact.  And for the record, the girl is a VEGAN.  I have a feeling this was meant to be a slight, but I changed the subject.

She sets me up to be the bad guy all of the time.  She offers my children things and then I have to say no.  She sneaks things to them.  She waits until I'm out of the room to make her move.  I walked into the house to find her huddled on the couch with DH, offering to take my children for the day.  She does not offer to babysit my kids to my face.  She often offers DH to take the kids.  She knows that if she talked to me directly, I'd tell her I think she's too spacy and unsafe to watch my kids.  So, she waits until I'm out of the room.  Then she whispers.  She offers up something she thinks that I'll like as bait (to convince him, not me.  I brushed her off when she tried earlier in the morning to "sell" me her idea).   She tries to get DH convinced of something before I get any say so.  And then if I say no, she knows that I'll look like the bad guy.  She makes me out to be the "rule enforcer" with my kids.  When I am trying to get my kids to go to bed or to leave, she doesn't say good bye and help me.  She continues to play with the kids and ignore me.  When I tell my kids no, she says to my son, "I would love to do that with you, but your mom said no."  She loves to point out that she would do something if I hadn't said no.  And she usually offers these things up before she talks to me.  Purposely.   She bribes my kids with toys but then won't give them to them right away.  So, I have to listen to my kids ask repeatedly why they can't have the toys right then.  I would tell them to go ask her, but she loves that attention.  So, I get to deal with the fallout. 

Basically, she is a master manipulator who has trained her flying monkeys so well, that they often don't even know they are doing her work.  She is a puppet master who whispers little suggestions in people's ears who then end up thinking that the idea was their own.  She thinks it is her job to define everyone in the family and assign our roles.  Clearly, me and SIL are at the bottom (as the biggest threats.  My other SIL is a non-entity, as she is so emotionally broken and desperate for family she'll do anything.)  I rank below the dogs.  (That was one of the things that ticked me off.  When her dog died last fall, she swore to my husband they wouldn't get another one because I am not able to be in her home with the dogs.  It has long been a point of contention because she has subtly blamed ME and implied I only use it as an excuse to avoid her home.  She has never bothered to learn about my asthma or allergies or what she can do to make me more comfortable - like by putting the dog outside, something she doesn't do unless asked.  So, when the dog died, she was supposed to put me first.  Guess what?  She keeps BIL's dog most of the time because he can't handle it.  She says it's temporary, but I know that's a lie.  And really it doesn't matter, if she allows the dogs-other BIL has three- in her home frequently, the dander will always be there.)  Anyway, she is busy ordering how and where everyone gets to fit in.  She's already decided my older son is the golden child.  Even DH can see that she "has a thing for him."  I'll be DAMNED if I allow that and I won't be allowing her blatant favoritism anymore (she found some toy to give my older son when we were there, but had nothing for my toddler.  This has happened more than once.)

I know, I know, what am I still doing hanging around her, you ask?  Well, it's complicated.  I consider it a victory that I'm not so rage filled after the visit as I used to be.  The woman just doesn't get to me any more.  Annoy me?  Yes.  Piss me off?  Yes.  But her power to manipulate me and make me feel badly is waning.  I avoided falling into her gossip traps.  I (mostly) avoided her negative talk (she really does know how to rope you into speaking negatively about people, and then she takes the "high road").  I had my wits about me a bit more and I was able to question her on things.   I took an opportunity to "teach her" about gardening (she thinks she's an expert.  She's the type of person that assumes she knows everything and can't fathom there is knowledge beyond what she possesses.  I'm no expert, either, by the way, but I know more than her...by a lot.)  I know she didn't listen to me.  I know she didn't hear me.  How?  Because I've told her this shit before.  And she's the type of person who just wants to be told some sort of "action" and wasn't interested in the explanations for things I gave her.  But it gave me an opportunity to point out she didn't know what she was doing and wasn't the phenomenal gardener she pointed out to my husband when we arrived ("Did you see my plants!  Aren't they great!!")

Really I would walk away from this woman in a heart beat.  I don't think my kids would miss out.  I feel badly saying that because I know it would hurt my husband.  But seriously, my kids can't even remember her name (they call her my step mother's name, despite seeing my MIL constantly.  How's that for ironic?).   But my husband isn't willing to let go of his family.  He's not willing to let go of his father (and neither am I really.  I do love my FIL.)  So, I'm stuck. 

She's not overt enough or mean enough to point to anything.  DH knows she's crazy and admits she can be hard and is not connected to his kids.  He has never insisted that she babysits and doesn't make me leave my kids with her.  He works really hard to help me by keeping her away from me.  He doesn't make me have her stay in my home (except once) and tries to arrange things so that I have minimal exposure to her.  He agrees she has narc tendencies and tries to protect the kids from her boundary violations.  He has begun to see the reality of what BIL is.  His feelings towards his brother and his coming out of the FOG with him is hopeful.

But he still makes excuses for his mother.  He tells me I think about these incidents too much after we leave (do other people not process visits at all?).  He has taken to blaming his brother for taking up all of his parents time and for the fact his parents spend less time with our kids.  He feels that it's because BIL pawns off parenting on the grandparents.  Which he does.  But MIL allows and enables it (in fact, I believe she encourages it).   He is struggling to see how manipulative she is.  He does not see how she sets things up.  I've actually seen him go into a sort of automatic mode where he covers for her (once, she told an obvious lie to him.  Instead of calling her on it, he says he must have lied or misheard.  My husband DOESN'T lie, so that's b.s. and he couldn't have misheard something as big as what MIL said.  It was shocking to see him throw himself on the grenade so easily, so to speak.)  He did it again this weekend.  When I confronted him about not giving the boys equal gifts, he claimed some little thing she allowed my son to have was his gift.   This is despite the fact that I heard MIL tell her that it was just some extra thing my son had found in a bag. 

The last time I was around them, things went better too.  DH seemed to think it was because they were better.  I'm not sure why.  They haven't done any work, they haven't changed.  I have done all of the changing.  I've learned to control my reactions and anxiety regarding them better.  He just can't see her for what she is.  None of them can.  She has everyone convinced she is this eccentric, sweet, kind woman who is just a bit weird.  He does not believe that she is purposely manipulating things in her favor.  He doesn't confront her (or my BIL) at all.  I know why, it's because if he does, they'll walk away.  And he's not ready for that.

Watching someone take the red pill is hard.  Enduring the bullshit while I wait is hard.  I wish so much that he could see it all, but I know that no one can FULLY see until they are ready.  I feel fortunate, in some ways, that I have my own fucked up FOO, because I can sympathize with what he is going through.  I know how the process goes.  I'm sure he will get there....I think.  He's come so far already.

He asked me how I felt about the weekend.  He thought it went well.  He told me I did well.  I know it was important to him.  I know he doesn't want to cut himself off from all of his childhood hometown, family, and friends. (Frankly, I'm not going to let MIL run us off from all of that.  They are not all flying monkeys).  But when I brought up my concerns, although he says he heard me, I don't think he really believes me.  I don't think he can see how truly manipulative she is.  I think he thinks we might be able to get along one day.  Well, fuck that, I'm not dumb.  She's out to get me.  You can't be friends with someone you don't trust and who would sell you out in a heart beat.

I've spent three days now (and lots of paper, my computer was down.  Writing my hand sucks.) trying to think of an email to send him to express my thoughts.  I've got MIL's number and I need him to hear what I have to say.  But I also want him to understand what I say about her.  To connect the dots.  But I don't know how to show him.  Even though he knows it in his head, agrees with what I've said, he doesn't really believe it in his heart. 

My Father

My father is not a narcissist, but he certainly could be an asshole. 

As a kid, I was often afraid of him.  He was depressed and angry.  He disciplined with a belt.  He didn't fly off the handle and hit us whenever he wanted to.  He was too controlled for that.  We could get punished with the belt for almost anything (often just typical childhood mistakes).  Punishments weren't always the belt, but they were frequently enough to make me stay in line.  We would have to go get the belt for him.  It was pure torture.

He and my sister fought horribly.  She was rebellious and aggressive.  He actually defended me a lot from her.  When she would attack me, he would try to punish her for it.  He seemed like such a horrible brute to me, but I've come to understand he played the foil to my mother's "soft" side.  She recently told me, with a look of pride, that my sister had said she was a "softie" and would give in a lot.  She did.  She was a push over.  But what we didn't know is that she would then complain to my father about our lack of discipline and he would become the "enforcer".  So, in comparison, she looked like the kind one, and he looked like the asshole.  And it was often worse for my sister, who was a difficult child. 

My sister was my mother's baby and were stuck together like Velcro.  NM often asked me to cater to my sister, to give into her.  And my mother allowed a lot from my sister.  She also allowed my sister to be her little side kick because she was the baby.  NSis sat next to NM all of the time, NSis was with NM all of the time.  I was left with my dad.

It wasn't all bad.  As I grew older, my father didn't find the need to discipline me as much.  He could be largely ignoring of me.  He rarely expressed any real interest in what I did.  He was cold and distant.  I remember once calling him "daddy", like my 8 year old friends at school called their fathers.  He yelled back at me that I was NEVER to refer to him in such a babyish term.  He was strict and allowed little slack because I was a child.  I was never "daddy's princess".  Ever.  He was a task master.  He always seemed so angry and depressed.

But he taught me a lot.  He refused to allow me to fall back on being a girl and taught me to change my oil and my tires.  He expected straight A's (straight A's was not being "perfect" to him, but being "normal").  He helped with homework on occasion, but mainly expected me to just get it.  He told me repeatedly that I was smart.  I sort of double edged sword, being smart, because it again allowed me no slack in life.  I was always "too smart" to be acting like this or that. 

I think any confidence that I had came from him though.  He believed in me, in his own weird way.  NM always believed she needed to step in for us.  Unless she didn't want to, then we were on our way.  My dad taught me not to be dependent on men, to take care of myself, to have a good work ethic.  I know he thought I could accomplish things. 

He was irritable, and easily provoked and I walked on eggshells with him.  But when my parents divorced, I ended up choosing him.  I chose NM first, but that quickly dissolved into shit.   Dad required a lot out of me (I did the laundry and the cleaning and the cooking) but he was more stable than my mom at the time.  It wasn't all that bad, living with him.  He cared enough to do things with me, which is more than I can say for my mom.

As I got older and older, things began to change.  I had always viewed him as my "bad" parent.  As the reason for all of our troubles in our families.  Well, not shockingly, as I learned he wasn't always horrible, I learned how much more sneaky and subversive my mother was.  My father went to therapy.  My father got on medication to control his depression (or at least ease it).  I know he was trying. 

In my teens, I learned my father had been horrible abused by an uncle.  It was an on going abuse that, obviously, fucked him up for life.  I don't know how my grandparents didn't know or stop it.  They were good people, as far as I knew.  I don't think they knew.  My grandfather was quiet and studious and kind.  My father loved him.  My grandmother was what I thought "maternal" to be growing up.  She cooked well, kept the house clean, seemed interested in her kids.  She had had a rough childhood (being pretty much on her own at age 12, and being raised by a passel of extended family before that).  But, compared to my mother's fucked up family, my father's family seemed "normal".  But there had been this secret.  Grandma says my dad was always sad, always difficult.  Maybe he was.  But I know that this didn't help. 

As I grew up, things became more and more apparent to me.  NM was not interested in how I felt about her or the divorce or really anything.  She wanted me to go along with the delusions she had created:  she was a good mom, my father was the problem, she did the best she could, she only put herself first because she'd never been first (which was probably true, but required that her children came behind her needs, I don't think you really get that luxury when you become a mom.)  My relationship with my father relationship got better.  He lives a distance away, but I always had relatively good conversations with him.  They weren't the drama filled, soul-sucking kind I had with NM.

He never became kinder or gentler.  He often is still grouchy and mean.  He can deliver a low blow like no one else.  He has a short temper and is irritable.  He has a low threshold for outside "noise" and can easily loose emotional balance.  But he doesn't lash out physically.  He doesn't intentionally try to hurt people.  He does hurt people because he can be blunt and mean.  But I do think he is trying.  I know he has tried a pharmacy of drugs to ease his depression.  I know he really needs talk therapy, but I know that for a man of his generation, that might not be something he's willing to do.

He's told me repeatedly that he was a bad dad.  Not because he wants me to feel sorry for him.  Not because he wants me to reassure HIM.  But because he is sorry.  Because he would do it differently if he could.  If he could erase things, he would.  He has been kinder and gentler, in his own way.  He tells me he is proud of me.  I think he is proud of me.  He does not compete with me.  He is genuinely happy for me.  He may not always be as invested in our relationship like I would like him to be.  In fact, he can be quite selfish in not making more attempts to get together.  He can still be a grouch and an asshole.  But he's not a narcissist. 

I recently went to visit him.  He has been remarried for about 15 years and his wife is controlling and overbearing.  She struggles with limits too.  She definitely has some narcissistic qualities and is on the spectrum.  She is bossy and pushes her opinions on people.  When I had my children, her constant opinions and criticisms pushed a huge wedge between us.  I really, really disliked her.  When I coupled that with all of the chaos of my recent problems with my sister, and my dad's difficult temperament, I didn't even know if I wanted to go. 

But I did.  I had a plan (something I plan to write about soon).  I was a grown up now, and if he pissed me off too badly, I'd just pack up my kids and leave.  I had that right.

But the trip went well.  Step mom was on better behavior.  She was softer with me and even offered support to me about my sister (she is estranged with her narcissistic sister).  My father told step mom to back off when she was trying to control me (she really can be controlling about the DUMBEST things, like that I had to give a paper napkin instead of a paper towel to my kid). 

My dad seemed to respect my feelings on things and we had good conversations.  When he was getting grouchy one night and I pissed him off, he went for a walk instead of blowing up at me.  That is progress.  He came back in a better mood.  He is trying.  I know he is.  I had some good talks with him about my childhood.  He listens.  He tells me he is sorry. 

He and my step mom were good with my kids.  It was strange to see them interact with the kids.  There was a different frequency in the air than with my NM or MIL and the kids.  The room didn't seem so charged.  There wasn't tension.  No one was competing for the kids' attention.  Dad and SM helped out when I need them too, but let me be the mom.  They didn't hoover or silently "observe" my mothering skills.  I didn't feel I was constantly being watched and ranked as a mother.   They didn't compete with me or each other for the kids attention.  In fact, when they needed a break from the kids, they took it.  That's something MIL and NM really struggle with.  There were no forced interactions, no forced hugs, no bribes of toys.  There was activities together, and a souvenir from the zoo, and SM brought out coloring books one morning so I could sleep in.  But none of it felt like it was a bribe, or an attempt to buy attention, or some sort of "investment" on the part of the grandparents that they expected the grandkid to pay back with love and attention.  The grandparents did what they wanted to do with the kids, and expected nothing in return.  It was refreshing and sweet and did my heart well.

It wasn't all perfect, but it was so much better.  I wonder if the changes in me showed.  That the changes in me made things different too and that they recognized it.  That I wasn't so "charged" with anxiety.  My father lives a distance away and so I don't get to see him as much as I like.  I do wish he lived closer.  My step mother, well, I do think seeing her less frequently makes for good visits.  She was good when we went (even finally giving into this stupid little pissing match she and I have been having, and allowing me my way....which was HUGE) but I think she'd be too much if we lived closer.  And I do wish they'd visit more.  My father is really involved when we are together, but he can be a kind of "out of sight, out of mind" person.  He struggles with developing relationships.  He struggles with moving out of his comfort zone in order to make things work.  He hates travelling and can be selfish about not being willing to compromise to make visits work.   There is still a lot to work on, but there is progress. 

Recently, he and I had a talk about NSis.  We haven't spoken about her in almost a year.  But I needed some information (NSis has been "hovering" and playing really nice trying to "win" me back.  I don't buy her bullshit-like gifts and cards and texts- but I was feeling guilty that I wasn't giving her more of a chance to "make amends") and I had intended to bring her up to my father.  Not to triangulate or gossip, but to try and sort out truth from fiction.  But I didn't have to bring her up.  Dad mentioned her and a visit she wanted to do with him.  A visit she is completely manipulating for her own interests.  I knew it.  I knew she hadn't changed.  Dad and I talked some more about my sister's "mystery illness" and how she was lying about a lot of it.  How she was manipulating people's feelings and taking money.  How she lies.  How she has a personality disorder (his words, not mine.  I try not to use any words that can be Googled and linked to narcissism with any one in my family.  It's a way for me to try and protect my anonymity).  I felt validated.  I felt understood.  I felt that I had some support.  He told me to not contact her again until she "heard" and understood the boundaries that I'd set up (all of which he found to be reasonable.)  I didn't need his validation and support, but man it felt good to hear. 

So, progress.  Not perfection, but progress (as other bloggers remind me).  I don't feel so alone, a woman without a family.  I feel good and this has renewed my strength and resolve.

My dad can still be an asshole, a giant asshole.  But he's not a narcissist.