Missing

It has gotten easier to catalogue the ways NM has hurt me.  The times that she has purposely done something to hurt me.  When she's allowed her jealousy or insecurity to validate undercutting me.  I've watched her try and steal love from me.  I've watched NM force me to make sacrifices to appease her (or NM's emotional state).  I've felt used by her constant need for attention and validation.  I've felt the sting of her criticisms and nasty manipulative abuses.

I'm getting better about feeling anger and hurt over the injustices she does to me.  But I'm only recently realizing how much I've missed out on by having a mother like mine. 

Recently,  I have been struggling with a parenting challenge.  Nothing huge, but just one of those "bumps" in the road of parenting.  This issue caused my littlest child some significant stress and it's been hard to watch and find appropriate solutions.  My heart hurts for my poor little guy.

And, at the same time, this challenge has brought up a lot of feelings in me.  Probably just typical things that any parent would go through.  It has highlighted some milestones for me, and reminded me how fast time is flying.  It's brought up some odd feelings of abandonment for me.   And, of course, the issue is not about me, it's about my son, so that is where my attention and focus is.

NM has been aware of this challenge but has offered very little actual support for it.  She made a big deal of it on FB the first day, but then ignored it (while texting me a million texts about HER).  In the last few days, she has been asking about it again, but only in reference to how SHE is going to fix the issue for me (and of course, her ideas of how to "fix it" are so. far. off.   She clearly doesn't get the issue at all.)

And for some reason, her stupid little texts, which are not really that different than the drivel she usually doles out, really upset me.

And then it occurred to me how many times my mother has simply not been there when I needed a mother.  That at times when I really, really could have used a "mom" to call, someone to lean on, she was not there.  Right now,  I could really use a chat with my mother, someone to tell me it will be OK.  Someone to give me a bit of comfort and support, so that I can continue to support my son.  Someone to have my back and be my comfort as  I work through all of this tough stuff that can come with being a parent.  I wish I had a mom to ask advice from.  I wish I had a mom to step in and give me some respite when my energy stores are depleted. 

I wish I had a mom who could've comforted me when my older son had surgery last year.  Instead I had to tell her not to come, as I didn't want her attention seeking behavior to distract from my son.

I wish I had a mom who would've comforted me after I had my children and taken care of me.  Instead, she made it all about her and expected a pat on the back for her help.

I wish I'd had a mom who'd stood beside me at my wedding, instead of constantly making demands and throwing fits.

I wish I'd had a mom to pick out a prom dress WITH me (not FOR me).  A mom who would've ran my theater script lines with me.  A mom who asked about my friends.  A mom who was interested in what I was doing.  Instead, my mom only had a basic knowledge of what I was doing in my life.  It's still that way.  And it drives me crazy when she tells me she knows me better than anyone else.  She doesn't know me at all. 

I wish I'd had a mom who would've rubbed my head and comforted me when I was sick, instead of acting like I was an inconvenience.  I wish I had a mom who hadn't thought of me as an inconvenience at all. 

I wish I'd had a mom that I was excited to call and tell I was pregnant, instead of a mom I put off calling because I didn't want to deal with her reaction (and the NS SHE would require). 


There have been so many moments that I've been appalled at the things my mother does to me.  But looking at all the moments she was a shadow figure in my life.  A cardboard cutout of a mother.  It makes me so incredibly sad.

 I don't think a lot of people understand this.  They think "make amends.  Work on the relationship."  Like if I tried hard enough, I could have the mother I needed.  Hell, I know I thought that for a long time.  But it wouldn't matter what I needed, or how I called and asked for it, or how hard I worked to make the relationship.  My mother would never be their for me like I needed her to be. 

I was discussing this all with my husband, who was just not getting why something that he felt "looked" a lot the same on the surface was making me so upset and why I still seemed to be hurting over the same injury.  I told him that a friend of ours had held a tribute dinner for her mother who died a few years back.  That, even though this friend has moved on and made peace with it, there would always be moments where she missed her mother.  Moments she wished her mother could be there with her.

And it feels a lot like that to me (not to minimize my friend's loss at all).  I feel like, sometimes, I look around and "miss" my mother.  I miss not having someone there for me.  Someone that has my back and is looking out for me.  I miss having a mother who shares in my kids with me.  I miss having a mother to call and discuss my challenges with.   NM is there, but she doesn't really exist. 

I suppose I have a lot more mourning to do for the mother who didn't show up.