Daughters

So, ironically, as I penned my post yesterday, NM crafted this (the third in an installment of "love messages she's crafted in the past two weeks)  to put on her FB page: 

"A daughter is one of the most beautiful gifts this world has to give.
-- Laurel Atherton

I have been blessed with the most talented, intelligent, warm hearted,loving and beautiful daughters possible. Love my (Jessie) and (NSIS)."

So.....a couple of things about this:

First, I'm sure those of you who are not emotionally connected to my mother see this as a huge pile of bullshit.  A PUBLIC statement of her "love" and "admiration" for her daughters meant to shine a big ole spotlight on NM.  I see it too and I'm sure you are right.  Unfortunately, it's not always that easy for me to separate her bullshit from my emotions about it. 

NM uses "blessed".  She is not religious.  At all.  Blessed is the word of choice for NM lately (and it appears a ton of others) who is imitating all the conservative, right wing people she knows. 

"Most talented, intelligent, warm hearted..." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  This same woman told me, about five years ago, that neither my sister and I lived up to our "potential" because we weren't making a ton of money.  She's told me and NSIS we are  smart (but it's a source of bitterness to her because she thinks she's "stupid".  She resents that it is "natural" for us).  She's never said out right I'm beautiful.  I know she clearly thinks NSIS is (I think NM would BE NSIS if she could).  Warm hearted?  Isn't this the same woman who says I don't love her enough and do enough for her?

The thing is that these things would be so lovely to hear from a mother.  She's already "collected" a ton of likes for it.  And I would love it so much if she actually meant any of this.  Or if she'd actually ever said it TO MY FACE.  If she really wanted to communicate these things to me, why doesn't she just tell me.  Privately?  Or personally?  Maybe she means all the shit she says, but somehow, when it's combined with schlepping for "likes" on FB, it looses any of it's meaning.

A few weeks ago,  I sent her a gift (long story).  Instead of thanking me by calling me, or sending a text, or a private message on FB, or an email, she PUBLICALLY thanked me on my FB wall.  Clearly, it was done for show. 

These kinds of things really make me crazy.  This two faced crap.  This overtly, open declarations of love for all to see.  And the private bitching, and whining, and covert manipulation.   It fooled me for years.  I would take these "tokens" of love as genuine.  Sometimes I still feel myself wanting to buy into this bullshit.  It'd be easier.  Maybe.  Just believe like all of the other sheep that she really loves and admires her "wonderful" daughters.  But then, when she purposely sets me up to hurt me, lies to me, tries to guilt and manipulate me into doing what she wants, ignores my feelings and turns attention that should be on me (or someone else) back to herself, acts out in jealousy, calls names, bitches, whines, and spews negativity, I'd be back in the same place.  Confused, stressed, sick, and hurt.  And ANGRY. 

I should add: I have not spoken with my sister (except very heated emails a few times) in over a year.  I am not interested, at the moment, in dealing with NSIS.  I've thought about it.  I've been trying to work out how to make a relationship with her work.  But I just don't see how to do it.  Any attempts I've made to communicate with her, she's turned into an abusive (very abusive) attack on me (and my family).  I wish it wasn't so, but I am really enjoying my peace away from her.

So, to be lumped into NM's big declaration of love with NSIS, really bugs the shit out of me.  As I eluded to in my last post, NM has always lumped me and NSIS together.  We are two halves of a whole to her.  Not individual people.  Not two grown, adult women.  After all, we are in our mid-30s.

The last part of the message that, I believe almost annoyed me the most, is the "my (Jessie) and (NSIS)" part.  MY?!?  We don't belong to her.  Do other mother's talk like that?  About their grown children?  Maybe I'd be over reacting if I had a normal mother, but that MY feels like a big attempt to (probably without her even thinking about it) express her "ownership" of us.  We are "HER" kids.  We belong to her.  That simple inclusion of "MY" just signifies to me how she will always think of us as something that is a part of her, something she needs to own, something she will never see as grown up, individual, adult women.